YHP 62

He was so tired. He didn’t want to think about anything. It wasn’t like he was particularly sick, but he just wanted to lie down at home and rest, no counseling or anything.

“…It was the haunted house at Queen’s Island.”

Actually, it had been like that ever since he was discharged from the hospital. The exam period was coming up soon, but he couldn’t even look at a book, and it wasn’t like he particularly wanted to do anything else.

He just wasn’t interested in anything. While going back and forth between school and his apartment, he would occasionally get a text from Ho-jin, and he would start a brief, trivial conversation, and the rest of the time he would just lie there blankly. Just like he had in Australia.

“There were several rooms. It was the third or fourth one, I think… Anyway, I went into a room that looked like a basement, and I smelled something nasty. And the part-time worker grabbed my arm… That’s when I suddenly had a flashback.”

“How did you deal with it?”

The counselor asked. Jeong-in refocused and concentrated on what he was saying.

“I didn’t really do anything special. The person I was with took me out of there, and then… I don’t remember very well.”

Even though it hadn’t been long, the memory of that moment was faint, as if it had been covered with dirty glass. Reality and delusion were mixed together, and the scenes were fragmented, so it was unclear where the real parts began and ended.

“Who was the person you were with?”

“Someone I met at school.”

The counselor quickly wrote down what Jeong-in was saying and then put a period at the end.

“How did you feel?”

Well. Was he a little surprised, or scared? Anyway, that wasn’t important. After he got out of that situation, he gave Ho-jin a dolphin doll, they ate a delicious meal together, and they watched pretty fireworks at night. Overall, it was a good day.

“I was just okay. But I had a strange thought.”

“What thought?”

After hesitating for a moment, Jeong-in recalled that day’s memory again.

“I thought I was getting a little… No, a lot closer to the person I was with that day. It’s a really ridiculous thought, though.”

The counselor’s question followed after a self-deprecating laugh.

“Why did you feel it was a ridiculous thought?”

“Huh?”

“It’s natural for relationships between people to change little by little, for better or for worse. But why are you so sure that you can’t get any closer to that person?”

Faced with the neat question, his thoughts suddenly stopped as if they were blocked. Jeong-in’s head was filled with only the groundless thought that ‘it’s weird to be in that kind of relationship with Yoo Ho-jin.’

“I don’t want to get closer.”

“Why?”

“…Because.”

Once again, he was at a loss for words. Jeong-in turned his head as if looking for salvation and looked at the syngonium at the end of the table.

For some reason, after he was discharged from the hospital and returned home, Gae-ttong was alive and well again. Playing with the leaves, feeling amazed, was the most enjoyable thing he had done recently. And when he thought of Gae-ttong, Ho-jin’s face came to mind again. Jeong-in slowly opened his mouth.

“That kid is also…”

It was the moment he uttered the first word with difficulty.

Suddenly, his heart sank.

“……”

Dangerous. Someone shouted in his head.

“…I’m sorry, I want to stop.”

Anxiety began to rise. He didn’t know the exact reason, but he felt like he shouldn’t take another step here. And when Jeong-in closed his mouth, the counselor, who had been watching him all along, calmly called Jeong-in’s name again.

“Jeong-in.”

He didn’t want to hear anything. If she touched him even a little more, it felt like the wall he had worked so hard to build along the edge of his heart would collapse. Jeong-in clenched his hands tightly on his lap.

“How are you feeling right now?”

“……”

“What are you so anxious about?”

What other reason could there be? It was all because of the counseling. If he hadn’t come for counseling, he would have been lying down and taking a nap without any problems.

When Jeong-in didn’t answer, the counselor closed the file. Only then did he let out a sigh. It seemed that today’s session was finally coming to an end. But contrary to Jeong-in’s wishes, she spoke again.

“Jeong-in. We started face-to-face counseling for the first time six years ago. It was right after you were badly hurt.”

“…Yes.”

“Do you remember that you suddenly left on a trip back then, so you had to stop counseling for a long time?”

Jeong-in quietly nodded.

“As time passes, most people forget a lot of painful memories. But sometimes, even after a long time, traces of memories remain. Like when you were in pain at Queen’s Island.”

“Yes, I know.”

“But there’s something more important. The teacher doesn’t think that what’s really bothering you right now is those traces.”

Then she tapped the table lightly as if to tell him to concentrate.

“When you hurt your body, you put on a bandage or wrap it in a bandage, right?”

“…Yes.”

“The same goes for the mind. When people hurt their minds, they often build armor to protect themselves. That’s called a defense mechanism.”

It seemed like another lecture was about to begin.

“Based on what we’ve been talking about so far, I guess that when Jeong-in is in a stressful situation, he first separates himself from the situation. Then, he seems to find and understand the reasons why he has to be okay, and then tries to get out of the situation as quickly as possible. What do you think? Do you think this is right?”

“……”

“There’s a type of defense mechanism called ‘intellectualization.’ It refers to the case where intellectual abilities are used diligently to control emotional stress.”

Jeong-in barely suppressed a sigh. He just wanted the counseling to end quickly, so he pretended to listen and looked into her eyes.

“Of course, this method can be really helpful sometimes. You’re a child with prominent cognitive characteristics, and people make choices that are closest to their natural temperament. But understanding the situation and feeling and acknowledging your emotions are different stories. If you just understand and get rid of it, you’ll have fewer opportunities to feel your emotions.”

“……”

“Maybe what’s really bothering you is coming from something else we can’t even imagine. And in order to find that out, you have to feel and look back on those emotions with your own strength, but can you do that?”

It was too cruel.

He said he was okay, so what more did she want him to do here? Was he supposed to create sadness out of nothing and squeeze it out?

He was already sick of being holed up in his blanket all day, not even being able to come to his senses, and just looking at negative emotions. What good would it do to torment the people around him, cry over the past, and eat away at himself?

And why should he have to go through that again now?

“Well… yes.”

Actually, he was full of resentment, but he just nodded sullenly because he thought the counseling would be longer if he said anything.

“You’re the type of person who locks the latch even more tightly when you try to force your heart open from the outside. That’s why I’ve been asking you to look back on yourself. Because you’re the only one who can open that door without breaking it. But you still don’t want to open that door.”

“……”

“But Jeong-in, I think it’s really time to be brave now.”

A soothing, gentle voice followed.

“Even though so much time has passed, the young Jeong-in is still crying in pain beyond the door you’ve locked.”

When he heard those words, he suddenly felt like he was about to burst into tears, so it seemed like she was trying to make him cry on purpose.

He thought as much, he should have just kept his mouth shut whether a flashback came or not. Choi Jeong-in chewed over the unpleasantness that was beginning to creep up and looked at his watch. It seemed the counselor intended to fill the entire time, and there were still more than ten minutes left until the session ended. Noticing that Jeong-in’s gaze was directed at the watch, the counselor turned it over and placed it on the desk.

“Six years isn’t a short time. A lot must have been forgotten during that time, and it also shows that there has been real improvement.”

“…….”

“But the story we shared together is still stuck in the time before you left for abroad.”

I don’t want to hear it.

I don’t care either way.

“The wounded sixteen-year-old Choi Jeong-in still lives inside you, and the more you ignore him, the more desperately he will try to burst out. Then, at some point, he might suddenly burst out when you don’t want him to.”

Even a roadside shaman wouldn’t say such a thing. A wounded sixteen-year-old Choi Jeong-in, if such an intangible being is really still gnawing at me, this isn’t something that can be solved with counseling, but something that requires calling an exorcist right away.

“I sincerely ask you. No matter how hard and difficult it is, Jeong-in needs to look after that kid now.”

“Yes, I will.”

His legs were already itching to get up and leave.

“Then I’ll be waiting. I’ll always be waiting here, so whenever you see that kid, come to me.”

The counselor finally closed the file. Jeong-in jumped up from his chair as if he had been sprung.

“Goodbye.”

He glanced once at the poor plant that had been stuck in water for years and immediately left the counseling room. As he opened the door, a sigh he had been holding back burst out at once.

“Fucking hell, how long do I have to do this for….”

He had subtly brought it up to Hyun-wook, but it was in vain. Recalling how he had always firmly cut him off, saying that he should never quit no matter what until the counselor said it was over, he felt utterly hopeless.

“Should I just cause a scene?”

Scream like a madman, smash all the objects in the counseling room, deliberately say bad things. If he did all the bad things he could do, wouldn’t the counselor get tired and give up on his own?

He vaguely imagined it. But he couldn’t bring himself to do such a thing to someone who was always so softly spoken and kind. In the end, he was back to square one.

Anyway, it’s so tiresome and disgusting. Holding his suddenly uncomfortable heart, he shuddered and walked down the stairs. At that moment, his phone suddenly vibrated in his pocket. Wondering what it was, he took out his phone and saw a text message from Ho-jin flashing on the screen.

「Hyung, what are you doing? Haha」

It was really useless content. Requiring no thought at all.

「I came out because I have some business to do. What are you doing?」

The thoughts that had been busily going back and forth stopped. Jeong-in typed the words in with a much lighter heart.

「Afternoon training is starting now.」

「Hyung, when would be a good time for us to meet tomorrow?Hehe

Jeong-in was surprised to realize it was already Sunday. The time he had spent lying blankly had passed longer than he thought.

「What time will you come?」

「Is seven o’clock too early? ㅠㅠ I want to go quickly.」

As long as he wasn’t too tired, it wouldn’t be impossible. Jeong-in chuckled and sent a reply.

「See you then. Haha, lots of flowers have bloomed along the stream」

Which stream?

Come to think of it, he had never heard where they were going. He was just about to ask. Messages came in from Ho-jin in a row.

「And the weather is really nice today lol.」

「Have a good day lol.」

More talk about the weather.

He never gets tired of saying the weather is nice several times a day. And at the end of that trivial word, there were always a lot of “hieut”s attached, just like always. Following the letters that were stuck, Jeong-in imagined Ho-jin’s face. It was a little funny to think of fourteen Yoo Ho-jins standing side by side, making “heu heu” sounds.

「Yeah, you too.」

Jeong-in suddenly raised his head. He saw a hazy, cloudy sky.

It was definitely supposed to be cloudy all over the country today, but it seemed that if your heart was upright, you wouldn’t hate a cloudy sky.

Then, maybe if you don’t hate a cloudy sky, your heart might become upright.

“The weather is nice.”

He said it a little awkwardly.

“…….”

It didn’t seem to change anything in particular. The sky was still dark.

-INTELLECTUALIZATION: A psychological mechanism that binds instinctual impulses to intellectual activity in order to control anxiety and reduce tension. This mechanism is mainly used in adolescence. Pathologically distorted intellectual activity can cause obsessive or paranoid symptoms. In psychoanalytic treatment, patients often use intellectualization, separating thoughts and feelings, as a defense against emotional insight. – Psychoanalytic Dictionary, American Psychoanalytic Association, Lee Jae-hoon, 2002. 8. 10., Seoul Object Relations Psychoanalysis Institute [Korea Psychotherapy Research Institute]