SSL 12

“I’m just going to the bathroom.”

After spitting out the words like a machine, Doyoon left the room.

Left alone, Jaehyun silently combed through his mind. Kang Doyoon’s midterm score. 37 in math.

Wasn’t it the same back then?

Is he the type whose mind goes blank when he gets stressed? To the point where he can’t even touch the problems at all. I really must have made a mistake asking him to be friends. Feeling a pang of guilt, Jaehyun sat on the floor cushion and waited. But Doyoon did not return quickly.

The room was quiet. Belatedly, Jaehyun let his eyes wander, looking around the place. Despite being small, the room looked empty because there was so little furniture. A small wardrobe whose side panel was beginning to warp, and a small, high window that opened into the apartment hallway. A school uniform jacket and pants were hanging on a rack behind the door.

There was no bed. It seemed he slept on a sleeping pad that was folded up next to the wardrobe. There was one bookshelf. On the top shelf of the small, three-tiered bookshelf sat a single keyboard, which, judging by its length, seemed to be a basic 61-key keyboard. The kind of thing children or beginners use.

The shelf below it was filled with textbooks and workbooks, and the bottom shelf held various miscellaneous items. Old tennis balls, middle school workbooks, notebooks, sheet music, well-worn field guides of plants and animals.

“…?”

What’s this? Jaehyun knelt down and peered into the space between the workbooks and the back panel of the bookshelf. A notebook was hidden there. It had been placed horizontally behind the books that were standing vertically.

It’s hidden so obviously. A smile crept onto Jaehyun’s lips.

It was a method no different from putting up a sign that says, ‘this is a secret, do not look’. Jaehyun placed his hands on the books. The workbooks were packed in tightly, but as he pulled them forward one by one, they soon loosened up to reveal the space behind. It was only after he pulled out the notebook and held it in both hands that he realized it. This was not like him.

It is not polite to secretly look at something someone else has hidden. When he had gone to other friends’ houses and discovered something suspiciously crumpled and stuffed under a bed or between books, Jaehyun, far from touching it without permission, had never even once asked what it was.

But today, as soon as Jaehyun saw the notebook, he pulled it out. Without even feeling any sense of wrongness in his own actions. It was natural. Because it was something he had to do. He could not just not touch something like that when it was right in front of him. A notebook with a black cover, the same color as pitch-black eyes.

The kind that you feel you can only see inside once you force it open. Jaehyun turned the page. So captivated by the thrilling sensation at his fingertips, the content of the drawing registered a little late. An exclamation of awe escaped through his teeth without him realizing. Wow.

He’s good at drawing, too.

Even though he was so bad at drawing that simple map. Maybe he’s not good at abbreviating and abstracting things, or at grasping the structure from a big-picture perspective. Instead, he pays attention to every detail without discrimination… This is similar to Korean language, too. Jaehyun looked at the lines. Incredibly detailed lines that seemed to be drawn only with a pencil or a mechanical pencil.

It wasn’t a trained skill. The way he drew lines was completely different from someone who had learned how to sketch. He did not follow any of the rules for depicting light and shadow, such as reflected light. But that made it all the more amazing. To be able to draw things like a photograph purely with talent.

Even though it was a plain practice notebook made of cheap, newsprint-like paper, not a single detail was smudged and everything was vivid. Even for subjects he could not possibly have drawn while looking at them directly. For example, the drawing of a cat on the third page.

A drawing of a dead cat.

Could this be the stray cat that Park Kanghyuk talked about? The damaged eye, the open mouth, the intestines spilling out from its ruptured belly. Jaehyun stared blankly for a moment before turning the page. A drawing of a withered, fallen flower appeared. A collapsed flower stalk, dry leaves, and petals scattered on the ground. Next page, a dead insect.

It was an insect, dead on its back with its legs curled up. He thought it might be a cricket. Next page, a pigeon.

The pigeon that had died between the air conditioner’s outdoor unit and the wall. It looked exactly the same as when Jaehyun had picked it up with tongs and put it in a pay-as-you-throw garbage bag. From the empty eye sockets to the form of its brittle, decayed feathers standing on end, it was dazzlingly vivid. That’s right, Jaehyun suddenly recalled.

About two weeks ago during lunch, Doyoon had suddenly gotten up to look outside. Leaning halfway out the window, he had craned his neck to look down at the side where the outdoor unit was attached. Then, when his eyes met Jaehyun’s, he had quickly sat back down in his seat as if he felt guilty. Had he already discovered the corpse back then?

He probably hadn’t drawn it on the spot. Since he was so afraid of others’ eyes, he wouldn’t have been able to open his notebook and concentrate at school. He must have captured it with his eyes and drawn it from memory. And yet it was this detailed. Jaehyun turned the page. Another dead mouse, slightly smaller than the one on the previous page.

Next page, some kind of fragment. Judging by how it was scattered around tire tracks, it seemed to be the flesh of a small animal. Next, a human skeleton… The sound of the door opening was heard.

Jaehyun looked up. Doyoon saw the notebook in Jaehyun’s hands.

Silence. A silence that felt crushed from top to bottom and side to side. The fleeting moment between them narrowed dizzily. A razor-sharp shard of time, with no telling where it would be shot off to in the very next instant. In the time it took to draw a single breath, the direction was decided, and Doyoon lunged at Jaehyun. He clung to Jaehyun’s wrist, struggling to snatch the notebook away.

Because Doyoon was acting so violently, Jaehyun was flustered and ended up gripping the notebook even tighter, but realizing there was no reason not to give it back, he slowly loosened his hand. So that the other boy would not fall over from the reaction. Doyoon, with the notebook in his hand, staggered backward until his back hit the opposite wall with a thump.

Even in that chaos, Doyoon kept his finger inserted at the page Jaehyun had been looking at. And as soon as he snatched it away, he quickly opened it to check. As if he wanted to know how far Jaehyun had seen, and what he had seen. When he saw that it happened to be the part where the human skeleton was drawn, the color drained from his face in an instant.

So this is it. Jaehyun thought.

This is it. The most ‘strange’ part of himself that Doyoon wanted to hide more than anything, that he felt must never be touched by others. This is real. He is genuinely interested in animal corpses. No, not just animals, but simply all dead things, including humans. But… Jaehyun thought of the bookshelf in his own living room. It wasn’t the first time he had seen something like this.

It was not the first time Jaehyun had seen drawings like these. It was not even something he had seen rarely. Just a few months ago, he had been flipping through the pages of an art book and had even given his noona advice on her new work. So he felt like he understood.

It might be too much of a leap, no, it almost certainly was, but he felt like he could at least find a clue. He would be able to start a conversation. About why Doyoon drew these pictures. Just then, Doyoon suddenly dropped to his knees and prostrated himself.

It was an extremely natural movement. As if it had been learned through repeated compulsion by someone. In that position, Doyoon spat out a sentence.

“Don’t tell.”

A cracked, dry voice.

“Don’t tell the other kids. I have to have a proper school life in high school. I want to study properly and get good grades. It can’t be like middle school again. Don’t spread rumors. I’m begging you.”

“No, Kang Doyoon-“

“I’ll do anything.”

Doyoon raised his head. His eyes met Jaehyun’s.

“Don’t tell. Keep my secret. Then I’ll do anything you want.”

“…Hey.”

As he spoke, Jaehyun plopped down in front of Doyoon. It felt bad to be facing someone who was prostrated and looking up at him. It is always better to have a conversation on equal footing, starting with posture.

“Are you confident you can keep that promise? That you’ll do anything?”

“Yes.”

“What are you going to do if I make you do things that take up your time so you can’t study at all? Or what if I just say it outright, then get a 0 on the final exams this time? Then? The purpose of your request becomes meaningless, doesn’t it?”

“…”

Silence.

For a long while, Doyoon just sat there in that half-prostrated position. Jaehyun tapped him on the shoulder. Thinking it was a little funny, how he was like a machine that had stopped working.

“Get up. Let’s go out.”

“…?”

“You said you’d do anything. Get up, get dressed, and let’s go. Let’s go to my house. It would be good if you bring the notebook, too. Do you want to grab it?”

“…Okay.”

Doyoon answered in a small voice. As he got up first, Jaehyun thought. I’ll be able to prove it.

<Let’s say people disliked you because you’re strange. I’m a little, different. I won’t be like that.>

I’m different.

It seemed he could prove it without much difficulty. Jaehyun turned his back to Doyoon and smiled to himself. A smile that made his face feel strangely taut. Like a form of arrogance he had lived with and possessed without ever realizing it himself.

Jaehyun put on the jacket he had left beside the table and slung his crossbody bag over his shoulder. Then he waited for Doyoon to get up and pack his bag as well, before leaving the room.