SSL 13

“I’ll do anything.”

Doyoon said with sincerity, lying face down. He could not live like he did in middle school.

For almost all of middle school, he had not been able to study properly. Even if he took notes, his notebook was snatched away. His textbooks would disappear, and when he bought new ones, those would disappear too. Later, his writing utensils, gym clothes, and workbooks also started disappearing. Even if he put them in his locker and locked it, they would take his key, and if he tried not to give it to them, they would hit him in the stomach multiple times, making it impossible for him to even stand up.

It had been fine until the first semester of his first year. It became like that starting from the second semester, after a classmate started a rumor. He said he saw Doyoon kissing the carcass of a stray cat whose belly had burst open in the middle of the night. The rumor even added that Doyoon himself had probably killed it and was doing it out of pleasure. After that, Doyoon was treated as someone who could be bullied and trampled on as much as anyone pleased.

Doyoon had no intention of protesting that such treatment itself was ‘not right’. Truly, not even one bit. However, he had to study well no matter what. He wanted to do well. Because he had things he wanted to do and a future he wanted to reach. That was an area of personal need and desire, unrelated to legitimacy.

It could not be helped that his grades were bad in middle school. It did not matter anyway, since it had no effect on his college entrance. But high school was different. He had to do well on both the CSAT and his school grades.

Doyoon had been studying hard. In reality, his average score had risen quite a bit compared to middle school. He felt he could raise his scores even more for the finals.

But then, an unexpected variable named Cha Jaehyun had interfered.

On the surface, it seemed like a good variable. Cha Jaehyun was good at teaching, and Doyoon could understand the problems much better than before. But he was anxious. He had been continuously anxious, and sure enough, it had blown up like this. He should not interact with others.

A human who is only shaped like a person, like a leather balloon, but whose insides are abnormal should not exchange words with others. Keeping his mouth shut was the only way to make the smell less noticeable. It was also forbidden to engage in common activities with others. Because the fact that he alone was different would be glaringly obvious, like a wrong move in a group dance.

Bringing someone into his home was unimaginable. Absolutely not. Because it was the best place to get his hidden secret discovered.

But how did it come to this?

“Don’t tell anyone. Keep it a secret. Then I’ll do anything you want.”

Lying face down, Doyoon lifted only his head, looked up into Jaehyun’s eyes, and forced out each syllable with emphasis. As he did, he tried to trace back. How did he end up inviting Cha Jaehyun to his house?

Originally, they were supposed to study at Jaehyun’s house. But he had said his noona would be home today, Saturday. In that case, he could not insist on continuing at Jaehyun’s place. It was also difficult to suggest an external place like a cafe or a hamburger joint. Other kids might see them, and then they would be found out.

They would find out that a normal kid like Jaehyun was hanging out with Doyoon. Although the homeroom teacher had ordered it, it would be a hassle for Jaehyun to have to explain. He did not want to cause him harm. So he told him to come to his house. But in the end, he did cause him harm.

He caused him severe harm. He made him see something like this. Doyoon felt the weight of the notebook placed next to his hand. It seemed Jaehyun had seen almost all of it. Not just the animals, but even the drawings of human corpses. He must have felt disgusted. Incredibly, hugely, extremely disgusted. Ah, right. Doyoon thought belatedly.

I should have apologized first. But before Doyoon could speak again, the other person spoke first.

“Hey.”

Jaehyun said as he plopped down in front of Doyoon for some reason. He even bent his body forward, slouching to match their eye level.

“Are you confident you can keep that promise? That you’ll do anything?”

“Yeah.”

“What will you do if I make you do things that waste your time so you can’t study at all? Or what if I just say it outright, ‘Then get a zero on this final exam’? Then the purpose of your request becomes meaningless, doesn’t it?”

“……”

Now that he mentioned it, that was true.

Korean is difficult. When you let a word that has meaning in your own head out of your mouth, it can become something with a completely different meaning in the other person’s head. Seeing Doyoon’s blank expression, Jaehyun raised the corners of his mouth.

That’s ‘smiling’. Doyoon repeated to himself. A smile, which means feeling good.

That was all he could know. If he tried to guess something beyond that line, his breath would catch and his chest would feel tight. It was like looking at a word whose meaning he could not guess, or like looking at a Korean passage where he knew the meaning of each individual word but had no idea where to even underline to solve the problem. Just then, Jaehyun stood up and spoke.

“Get up. Let’s go out.”

“……?”

“You said you’d do anything. Get up, get dressed, let’s go out. We’re going to my house.”

He could not understand the reason, but what Jaehyun said was right anyway. He decided to do as he was told.

Doyoon obediently got up and packed his things. As commanded, he packed the notebook into his bag and looked at Jaehyun, who, as if waiting, went out of the room and bowed to Doyoon’s father, who was still sitting in the living room.

“We’ll be heading out, father-in-law.”

“Huh? Oh. You’re leaving already?”

“A friend contacted me, said they’re in the middle of a finals study session right now. He said they’re printing out and solving past exam questions from the academy he attends, so I thought it would be good for Doyoon and me to go there together.”

“An academy? Right, I guess going to an academy gets you something good. I told Doyoon to go to an academy too, but he insists on doing it all by himself….”

As if ignoring the chiding voice, Doyoon just stared at a stain on the wallpaper in the kitchen area. I can’t.

Hyung did not get a scholarship this semester. My younger sibling started attending a comprehensive academy for the weekend session. In this household, I cannot be the one to spend money. His father waved his hand while pouring soju, and Jaehyun and Doyoon said, “We will be back,” bowed, and left the room.

It was a corridor-style apartment, so a draft hit them as soon as they stepped out of the front door. It swept through the entire corridor, carrying a sour smell. The smell of urine, the smell of rotting garbage. However, it gradually faded as they walked toward the building entrance.

They say that most olfactory stimuli, if they are of the same intensity and composition, can no longer elicit a response from the brain after just a few dozen seconds. Therefore, when there is a smell, it is better to actively breathe hard rather than holding your nose. To become desensitized quickly.

Jaehyun walked ahead, crossing the courtyard in front of the complex. As he quickened his steps to follow, Doyoon suddenly frowned. It was because his heart was beating too fast. Why is this happening? After pondering for a long while, Doyoon realized. It seemed he felt like asking something. Is it okay to go to your house?

Your noona is at your house today. Didn’t you say her friends are there too? If we show up unexpectedly, won’t we be a bother? But Doyoon did not let the question out of his mouth. Korean is difficult. There is an invisible line between words. If you step inside a certain line, you become overly friendly. Asking about family or home seemed to be generally dangerous.

So he does not ask. He keeps his mouth shut. He just listened for a voice. Just then, Jaehyun took out his phone and started a call.

“Yeah, yeah. Noona. Sorry for the short notice. I’m with Doyoon right now, and we’re going to stop by the house for a bit. We’ll just stay cooped up in my room and then leave. Can you ask your friends too? Yeah. It’s for something important. ……They said it’s okay? ……Thanks.”

So it’s okay to go. As Doyoon was guessing while overhearing the conversation, Jaehyun put his phone back in the front pocket of his bag and looked back at Doyoyon. With both corners of his mouth turned up and his eyes narrowed.

“We’re not going to study right now. You can’t concentrate right now anyway. We’re going to hang out. Let’s go to my place and just……. hang out for about an hour. I’ll give you the past exam questions, so you can solve them on your own later.”

“Okay.”

Nodding, Doyoon realized something new. That he had not been particularly curious about what they would do when they got there.

He was only curious about whether they would be a bother to Jaehyun’s noona. He did not care what they would do at Jaehyun’s house. Because it was not a matter that depended on his own will anyway. Since he said he would do anything, if Jaehyun said to go somewhere, he had to go. Whatever he was told to do there, he had to do it all.

He had nodded after hearing the words ‘going to hang out’, but he had not understood their meaning. In middle school, Park Kanghyuk and the other kids would also say ‘let’s go hang out’ and drag Doyoon somewhere. They would put him in a locker in the changing room and lock the door, or beat him until he nearly passed out and take his money. From their perspective, that was ‘hanging out’.

So even if he heard it, he did not know what it meant. He could not know what Jaehyun wanted to do that made him say ‘let’s hang out’. Following Jaehyun’s back, Doyoon walked quietly and stood in front of the bus stop sign. Across the street, he could see a new apartment complex surrounded by a clean cement wall and a decorative fence, and a banner hanging on the wall.

[Residents of XX Apartments Oppose the Construction of OO-dong Crematorium!]

His vision swam.

Doyoon felt a falling sensation and narrowed his brow intensely. As if tightening his expression would also tighten the ground beneath his feet. But it did not.

The floor and the air around his body disappeared. In the absence of any gravity, Doyoon simply fell. Into the darkness. A few days ago, his father had clicked his tongue while looking at a petition against the crematorium construction. A piece of paper on which the words ‘abhorrent facility’ were printed in bold. Who would like it if they said they would build something like this where they live.

<Of course, the housing prices will drop too. There’s that, but fundamentally, you just don’t like it, you know. It feels unpleasant.>

<Why the hell would a crazy little bird die in a place like this. ……It’s dirty. Ah fuck, it’s so disgusting!>

<Dad, I don’t want to hang out with oppa anymore. All the kids at my school know. They all know oppa is weird. ……Every time that happens, I really, I feel sick inside. I feel like I’m going to throw up.>

<It gave me the creeps. I almost hit him because he was so disgusting. A crazy psychopath bastard……. How can something like that be my little brother.>

<Eunseo, Eunwoo. Don’t be like that.>

His father’s voice.

<Be good to him until the end. You shouldn’t become bad people. Anyway, Doyoon is…….>

“……Doyoon. Kang Doyoon.”

Someone tapped his arm.

Doyoon took a breath. The smell of exhaust fumes. A blue bus was stopped in front of the line. Jaehyun pointed to the door and said.

“Let’s get on.”

“Okay.”

Getting on, Doyoon tagged his card on the reader. Beep, the payment sound went off and numbers appeared on the display, and like background music that automatically turns on in response to a stimulus, a thought crept up in the back of his mind. I thought I wouldn’t have to take the bus today.

I thought I wouldn’t have to spend 800 won, but it turned out like this again. Doyoon put his transportation card back in his bag. The card his father refilled every month. Jaehyun looked back again and gestured, leading Doyoon toward the back, then pointed to one of two empty seats and said.

“You take this seat. Sit.”

The two of them sat side by side in a two-person seat. Doyoon by the window, Jaehyun on the aisle side, with his legs stretched out firmly, his feet tucked under the seat in front. It seemed to have the intention of preventing Doyoon from getting out and running away.

Doyoon unconsciously scanned Jaehyun’s legs. Long legs, thick thighs, large feet, a school uniform that looked two sizes bigger than his own.

Cha Jaehyun is the tallest in the class. He is also strong. He is also very good at sports. He stood out so much during physical education class that even Doyoon, who had no interest in his surroundings, could not help but know. A while ago, he had also effortlessly lifted Doyoon’s body and set him down from the windowsill.

The bus started moving. Doyoon felt his heartbeat rise up to his ears. His hands started to tremble too. He thought that maybe half of it had been a lie. The part about not being curious what would happen at Jaehyun’s house.

He knew it in his head. That if he had to do whatever the other person told him to anyway, there was no point in being curious beforehand. But the physical reaction was unavoidable. His body was already afraid. It trembled anxiously, wanting to at least guess what was to come. Even though there was no way he could prepare for it.

The body hates pain. When placed in a situation where one will be beaten one-sidedly, it automatically flinches, and that was a part Doyoon could not control. In middle school too……. No, even in elementary school, it was like that. Back then, he did not just take the beating; he resisted like hell.

Doyoon took a breath in and then exhaled deeply again, looking out the window. His memory arbitrarily went back to his childhood. To a time when he had not yet drawn pictures in his notebook.

The breeze is nice. Doyoon thought, standing in front of the metal lockers at the back of the 4th grade, 3rd class classroom.

The curtains fluttered. All four windows on the side of the playground were wide open. Thanks to that, the September morning weather flowed inside. The smell of soft sand, the blue of the sky fragmented by the window frames, and the white of the feather-like clouds. But soon, a tall boy stepped forward and blocked his view.

“Kang Doyoon, what are you looking at. Aren’t you going to apologize?”

“……”

What was it?

Surrounded by seven kids, Doyoon blinked his eyes. The weather was so nice he had forgotten everything. What was I doing just now. One of the seven surrounding Doyoon shook his head and spat out. There he goes again.

“Isn’t he a real moron……?”

“I said, aren’t you going to apologize?”

The boy who had spoken before yelled again.

“A girl hurt her arm because of you, and you’re not going to apologize? You just keep looking somewhere else.”