GMLS Ch 48

“Officially, it was a joint training exercise between the Geumgun and the Milyeonggun. With the Ministry of War faltering at a time when the nation’s military strength needs to be at its peak, even they reluctantly agreed. By tomorrow, the rumors will have spread, so I suppose I won’t be able to escape the piles of petitions for a while again.”

I laughed out loud at his playful lament. Muryun gazed at me intently.

“Your Majesty… the more I get to know you, the more I find you to be a truly wondrous person.”

“I feel the same.”

“Pardon?”

“Sometimes I don’t know if I’m dealing with a person or an incarnation of a magnolia blossom.”

I was flustered by the sudden praise. With reddened cheeks, I stammered and asked back.

“What an absurd thing to say.”

“Absurd? Which part?”

“How could I possibly be the incarnation of a magnolia blossom?”

Muryun’s hand touched the nape of my neck. His long, knotted fingers, which I could picture without seeing, rustled through my hair.

“Yihwa.”

He murmured my name softly. My heart plummeted like a falling star.

“Doesn’t it start with your name?”

The back of my head touched his stomach. His hand slid down and gently cupped my chin, lifting it slightly. My head tilted back just enough for his smiling face to fill my vision.

I wanted to cut out this ‘now’ and place it in a treasure box. His disheveled clothes. The curve of his eyes. I would carefully place this moment inside without spilling a single detail, and later, I would take it out and look at it time and time again.

“I am simply overwhelmed with gratitude.”

At my answer, Muryun smiled with satisfaction and pulled away. He moved to the side and sat on the windowsill next to me. The sill, which I had thought was quite wide, was now completely filled. The rustling sound of his silk martial arts uniform seemed particularly loud. The fingertips hidden inside my sleeves curled inward.

I knew he would come here. I know now. That his heart is the same as mine.

“The path here was dark, so I was going to order that a lamp be kept lit at all times, but it was a needless thought. This way, the stars are much more visible.”

Pretending not to know what I knew was more difficult and taxing than I thought.

We looked up at the sky in silence. The silence wasn’t awkward. Rather, it was very comfortable. The light from a distant, flickering lamp traced a line along the roof tiles of the white wall. Other than that, everything was shrouded in darkness. The ground, the sky, and even Muryun’s hand that stealthily came to rest on the back of mine.

His fingers intertwined with my own, which had stiffened. There was still no conversation between us. But the warmth of Muryun’s hand carried more meaning than words as it seeped into me.

I bit the inside of my cheek hard. We felt the same, but we could not be together. If our hearts had been different, it wouldn’t have hurt this much. My head, which had been looking at the sky, now faced the ground.

I pulled myself together. This is a life that will perish before even seeing all of this year’s seasons. If you don’t gain anything, there’s nothing to lose. I will not leave behind loss and scars.

“Why did you suddenly lower your head? Look. There’s a shooting star.”

As if mesmerized, I lifted my head. Just then, a couple of shooting stars drew white lines across the night sky.

“……Your Majesty, did you know?”

I’m going to die soon.

“……”

“Why the long pause before you speak? I am greatly curious.”

I bit the inside of my cheek hard again. The words that shouldn’t be said were buried in my heart.

“They say that when a great person dies, a god takes their soul and turns it into a star. On a dark night, hidden in that darkness, they are to watch over the earth to see if there are any places tainted by evil and impurity.”

“Ah, right. I think I’ve seen that somewhere. Was it an old folktale? Or maybe it was in a collection of folk stories.”

“Your Majesty will surely become the brightest star one day.”

“Haha. I am no great person. I am but a mere human who was fortunate enough to ascend the throne with the help of remarkable people. I have yet to achieve a single worthy accomplishment. Surely you’re not about to offer the flattery that I will become a wise king in the future.”

He asked playfully. I answered seriously.

“A certain martial artist was passing by and happened to discover a band of thieves about to attack a village. The martial artist, who had once lost his family to thieves, annihilated them purely out of revenge. There was no righteousness in it. But a child who was hiding in the bushes survived because of that martial artist and called him a great person. Now, is this martial artist a great person or not?”

“Like father, like son, I see. Now you’re the one starting with the Zen dialogues. Let’s see. To that child, at least, he would be a great person.”

I turned my head to look at Muryun. Starlight is still light, and the contours of his pale face were faintly visible. I smiled.

“Yes, the greatest of great persons.”

The expression vanished from Muryun’s face. He belatedly realized who the martial artist and the child were. His hand squeezed mine tightly.

In that moment, made of deep darkness and faint starlight, he kissed me.

His face, slightly tense as if the darkness had nipped at his heels, was so vivid that I closed my eyes. The awkwardness only lasted for the first moment. The tender kiss quickly turned rough. When I recoiled in surprise, his hand wrapped around the back of my head.

Thump.

The back of Muryun’s hand, which was cradling my head, hit the windowsill. It must have hurt, but he didn’t even flinch. Instead, he focused even more on the kiss.

I felt like crying, so I clenched my fists until my nails dug into my palms. I repeatedly swallowed the lump in my throat. No matter how many times I swallowed, the stinging sensation wouldn’t go away.

“Relax your hands. I’m worried you’ll hurt yourself.”

He intertwined his fingers with my awkwardly loosened hand again.

It was the first time. The sensation of his lips on mine, the heat of his tongue invading me, was unfamiliar and frightening, yet welcome. I wrapped my lost arms around his neck. The flesh that had been prodding inside me grew even rougher. Firm hands and arms tightened around the back of my head and my waist.

It was a long time before Muryun pulled away.

I opened my eyes, which had been closed the entire time. Faint starlight entered my vision, now accustomed to the dark. His pale face, bathed in that starlight, wore an expression I had never seen before.

“Yes. That martial artist is indeed a great person. But it is not because the martial artist is remarkable. He became a great person because the child called him one.”

Muryun cupped my cheek with his palm. It was a careful touch, as if handling the most precious thing in the world. He was like that when he rescued me from the mother-of-pearl box, too.

“You, you make me a great person.”

He, he had always saved me.

“How could I not love someone like you?”

“……Pardon?”

I could only blink at the sudden confession. Muryun sighed.

“I didn’t intend to say it like this. I was going to wait until your heart became the same as mine. But it seems that is not something I can control. I was foolish.”

You are not foolish. Not even Sangseon knows the path a person’s heart takes. The human heart is a thing that sways, overflows, and changes.

“Yihwa.”

“Yes, Your Majesty.”

“I love you.”

My already turbulent heart finally exploded. The calm surface of the water raged violently, and a storm broke out. The corners of my lips twisted. I felt like I was about to cry.

I love you too. I adore you so much that the word ‘love’ is not enough. In truth, it has been so for a very long time. I was slow to realize it, so I said something foolish to Yeo Yullyeong. I stood by your side, calling it loyalty, but it was never loyalty from the start.

Seeing my expression, Muryun was relieved.

Only then did I see him clearly again. His tense cheeks and hunched shoulders. His hands, curled with anxiety. The sight of him holding his breath, gauging my reaction, was endlessly endearing.

“But don’t answer me now.”

I expressed my confusion. I couldn’t understand why he would say such a thing.

“When would be good… Yes. Give me your answer on the day of the first snow this year.”

I froze on the spot. Death and fate linked hands, approached me, shoved reality in my face, and cackled.

“Don’t be swayed by my words, and turn your eyes away from my position and status. Think long and calmly about what you think of this man named ‘Muryun.’ Give me your answer after that. Whatever answer you give then, I will humbly accept it.”

I let out a laugh.

–Hoo. 

The things that had wanted to see my despair faltered. With the brightest smile I could muster, I said.

“Yes. I will do so.”

Muryun sighed as if the world were collapsing.

“I should have just said the day the first frost falls.”

With a rustling sound, a document was turned over. He worked like that for a while, then sighed again and muttered.

“Autumn leaves are better than frost.”

A moment later, he said, ‘Should I have just made it the end of this month?’, and then another moment later, ‘I should have just heard the answer right then and there. It was clearly an atmosphere where a good answer would come out!’ as he slammed his fist on the desk.

Panting, he looked at Monghyul, who was grinding ink beside him.

“What do you think?”

About what?

“Surely he won’t refuse, saying he’s never thought of me that way, or say he doesn’t like me because we’re both men, right?”

So, about what exactly?

‘A human being deserves to live only if they are useful.’

When I heard those words, I was quite numb. I didn’t pay much attention to them. However, perhaps because of the horrific experience I had right after, my father’s last words remain branded on my heart and memory to this day.

I unconsciously always thought about my own usefulness. I clearly distinguished between what I could and could not do, and if I could do something, I strived to reach a certain level or higher.

It was the same when I was being educated by Yeo Yullyeong and when I was training. I believed that usefulness was proven by ability and results.

‘What I want is something only you can give, but I cannot take it as I please, nor is it something you can give just because you want to.’

That’s why Yeo Yullyeong’s words made me anxious.

Yeo Yullyeong’s vague words made my own usefulness just as vague. Something I cannot give, and he cannot take, yet only I can give. I still have no idea what that is.

‘I love you.’

And there was someone who told me he liked me just for who I am, regardless of my usefulness. Paradoxically, I found my usefulness proven in those words. That I am a needed person, and therefore, I have the right to live. He was, and still is, my savior.