TIN 152

I don’t know what state of mind I was in when I returned to the room. If I had been walking on my own feet, I might have lost my mind and fallen somewhere. The moment I saw the wall that was empty unlike before, my mind also became empty.

It wasn’t that I was confused about the location. It had been a long time since I had come to the main house, but I vividly remembered the place where the painting was. I even remember the location of the window in the villa that I went to after more than ten years, so there’s no way I could be confused about this.

“I’ll have the meal brought to the room.”

Joo Do-hwa, who had put me down on the bed in the room, was about to leave the room, leaving only those words behind. I, who was still unable to escape from the shock of the painting, reached out my hand reflexively as soon as I saw his back.

“…….”

As soon as I grabbed his sleeve, Joo Do-hwa stopped and turned around. I immediately moved my lips, but my voice didn’t come out well because I hadn’t spoken properly for several days. After clearing my throat a couple of times, I barely managed to spit out one word.

“…Painting.”

He tilted his head. As if telling me to continue. I put strength in my throat and asked him.

“Where did the painting go?”

“Ah, that…”

It was a question that made me so nervous that my fingertips trembled, but Joo Do-hwa’s expression was no different than usual. He dragged out the end of his words as if it were nothing, and answered in a nonchalant tone.

“I got rid of it. Somewhere you can’t see it.”

“Why?”

Why that. What reason could there be to remove the painting that was hanging well?

“I don’t want to give it to you anymore.”

The answer was simple and even seemed firm at first glance. I wanted to ask why again this time, but I grabbed his sleeve even harder and asked.

“…Can’t you hang it up again?”

There was no need to hide my longing for the sea anymore. I was caught from the sea, so it would be ridiculous to pretend otherwise now.

“I don’t want to have it. I’ll just look at it.”

“…….”

“You said you weren’t interested in that kind of thing. Then rather…”

I was going to ask him to throw it away to me, and I was thinking of begging him. I wasn’t even going to leave this house, so there was hope that he might grant that much.

However, Joo Do-hwa laughed at me as if it were impossible.

“Why.”

“…….”

“Are you just going to look at that and think about drowning yourself?”

I frowned, wincing. It was because I couldn’t refute the sharp words. It wasn’t that I was looking for the painting with that intention, but if I were to put it in front of me, it would be natural to draw the goal that I couldn’t achieve right in front of my eyes.

“That’s not how I intended for the painting to be used.”

Joo Do-hwa, adding calmly, enveloped my hand. I had removed the bandages, but his right hand was still wrapped.

He took the sleeve out of my hand and gazed intently into my eyes.

“I told you. It can’t happen twice.”

“……”

It was almost like brainwashing. That one sentence probably didn’t just mean dying in Bada’s arms. It probably included leaving this house, leaving him.

“Ah…”

The moment I realized it, I felt like I was suffocating. My whole body felt heavy, as if shackles were being placed on me. Even though the room was so bright, my vision gradually darkened.

I can’t do anything. Not look at paintings, not dream of the sea, not even walk, and not even die by my own hand. Not even decide what to do with the child.

“Ugh…”

A throbbing pain gripped my lower abdomen. An unfamiliar pain, like muscles cramping, struck my stomach. I curled up and covered my stomach, but my upper body had already collapsed onto the bed.

＊ ＊ ＊

I’m not usually weak, but lately I keep losing consciousness. As if blood was rushing downwards, my energy would drain away, my vision would spin, and my consciousness would fade. After my mind went blank like that, only vague memories remained, as if from a dream.

For example, things like this: the sound of voices near my head; someone soothing me as I groaned in pain; the warmth that touched my cold forehead; and a sweet fragrance wafting from somewhere.

“……”

When I opened my eyes again, I was alone in the room. There was a bandage on my arm, and when I removed it, I saw a clear mark from a needle. It was a sign that I had either received an IV, had blood drawn, or both.

I blinked blankly, then sat up against the headboard. I crumpled the removed bandage and tossed it aside carelessly, and then I groped and rubbed my stomach with one hand. As if my stomach had never hurt, I no longer felt any pain.

“Ha…”

I felt a sense of relief, but I couldn’t help but sigh at the overwhelming feeling. What was I relieved about? Just that my stomach didn’t hurt? Or that nothing had gone wrong with what was inside my stomach?

“……”

I squeezed my aching eyes shut and then opened them. And I slowly looked around. This place I had returned to was exactly the same as when I had left the house. The few differences were the crutches neatly placed next to the bed and the space under the mattress, now empty without the money envelope.

I wonder if that window has been soldered shut too. I don’t know for sure, but I probably won’t be able to open it normally like before. Unless I break it, it will be impossible to jump out of there.

I slid down and lay on the bed. Even though I had just opened my eyes, I already didn’t have the strength to move a finger.

And so, I fell asleep again as if I had fainted.

＊ ＊ ＊

I slept for days on end. I spent most of the day with my eyes closed, and when I occasionally opened them, I just stared blankly without doing anything. When Joo Do-hwa came to see me, I would vaguely realize that another day had passed.

Meanwhile, Joo Do-hwa’s hand, which had been a mess, now only had faint teeth marks left. On the other hand, my broken ankle hadn’t healed, but since I wasn’t walking properly, I couldn’t really tell how much it hurt. Since returning to this house, I hadn’t left the bed unless absolutely necessary.

Even though I knew it would be better to die, I didn’t even feel like thinking about dying anymore. I realized that it takes will to end one’s life, and that you can’t do it if you don’t have the energy.

Would it have been better if my arms and legs had been cut off? If that were the case, I would have been able to resign myself to the powerlessness I feel now. I wouldn’t have stared longingly at those damn crutches, only to give up again when I saw the firmly closed door.

I couldn’t eat. Whether it was morning sickness or something else, my stomach would churn violently if food entered my mouth. Normally, I would have eaten a few spoonfuls while smelling Joo Do-hwa’s pheromones, but even that didn’t work anymore.

‘Your nutritional status is very poor.’

Sometime ago, the doctor Joo Do-hwa had called in rattled on with a troubled look. He gave me medicine to alleviate the morning sickness, but it didn’t work, saying that my body was probably too weak to digest the medicine now. After even looking at the ultrasound that had been put off for so long, he trailed off awkwardly.

‘In this condition…’

If left alone, it would be a miscarriage. I could almost hear the doctor’s unspoken words. I didn’t see what kind of expression Joo Do-hwa made in response.

That’s how it started. The needle in my wrist.

Originally, there would be a bandage on my arm every time I woke up, but now they didn’t even take the needle out when I opened my eyes. A stand was set up next to the bed, and there were more than three types of IV drips hanging from it. At first, I thought about pulling out the needle, but later I couldn’t even be bothered to think about it.

‘I wouldn’t let you die… so you’re thinking of starving yourself to death, huh?’

Joo Do-hwa said that, but I knew it was impossible. He had the wealth and ability to keep me alive no matter what, even if I became a vegetable. At least in this house, I wouldn’t starve to death just because I couldn’t eat a single meal.

The time when sunlight streamed in through the window. Joo Do-hwa came to my room today as always and sat on the bed. I winced at the presence I felt nearby, and then I slightly lifted my eyelids at the overflowing pheromones.

“……”

I couldn’t open my eyes all the way. It was too dazzling, and I didn’t even have the strength to look at anything properly. Hearing me moving slightly, Joo Do-hwa sighed softly.

He didn’t talk to me. At first, Joo Do-hwa would say silly things like, “Are you sleeping again today?” but at some point, he stopped opening his mouth so easily. He would just stare at me silently, then touch my hair once before leaving.

“…Hyung.”

But today, it seemed like he was going to talk to me, which was rare. Joo Do-hwa, who had opened his mouth cautiously, began to speak in a low voice. He placed one hand on the bed and continued calmly.

“In the early stages of pregnancy… the baby’s brain and heart are formed within about 12 weeks.”

It was an unexpected topic. It was also a topic that he had never brought up since discussing the miscarriage with the doctor. I could only blink, wondering what he was talking about, when he placed something next to my ear.

“So folic acid intake is important, but it’s going to be difficult for Hyung.”

A crackling noise was heard in my ear. Then, a regular sound similar to a drumbeat was mixed in with the rustling noise. Thump, thump, thump, Joo Do-hwa explained the rapidly repeating beat like this,

“It’s Hyung’s baby. The sound of its heart.”