TGMND 107

In his 23 years of life, there had never been such a Christmas Eve as disastrous as this!

Yoon Ji-gu, who had returned after messing up everything at work, lay on the living room sofa touching his lips until past midnight. His face grew hot as he imagined the soft sensation that had suddenly invaded his mouth. He wanted to stop thinking about Lee Yeo-woon. His mind was completely tattered, and yet Yeo-woon’s words kept echoing in his head. By the time he was about to memorize everything Yeo-woon had said, he fell asleep.

Yeo-woon appeared in his dream that night. It was something that happened often, but today was different. Yeo-woon hugged his neck tightly and stood on his tiptoes to kiss him. The dream ended there. The moment Yeo-woon was about to suck on his lips, Yoon Ji-gu snapped awake, feeling something distinctly different from his usual mornings. With a sinking feeling, he checked inside his pants.

“…”

Shit…

On the morning of the first White Christmas in ten years, Yoon Ji-gu had to deal with an unplanned morning wood. As he struggled to suppress the wretched feeling of it all, he realized he was upset about the dream ending there. It made him feel like he wanted to die.

Today felt like it was going to be the worst day ever. He must be the only idiot who has a wet dream from just kissing in a dream. His heart was still racing.

“If it had been a more intense dream, at least I wouldn’t feel so frustrated.”

He muttered, pressing his chest. Since it had come to this, he wished Yeo-woon had dreamed about him too.

When will that ‘thinking’ end? Yeo-woon thought too much.

Was it really true that he had no one else? Did he message other people behind his back?

Well, since he blurted out that he’d match his preferences…

Should he look something up for a bit? Yoon Ji-gu, who had been forced to wake up early, impulsively entered the room with his computer. And in less than an hour, he came out of the room, staggering from dizziness.

“…”

The scenes he had just seen kept flashing in his mind. Maybe because it was Christmas, but the men in the video were wearing red Santa hats while doing… those things.

“What should I do!”

I’ve never even been hit by my mom!

Meow. Meow.

Feed me. At the feet of the man leaning against the wall with a pale face, trying to catch his breath, a black cat looked up at him, tilting its head.

He had been somewhat prepared, but actually seeing the act was a different story. So if he ended up in that kind of relationship with Yeo-woon, did that mean he’d have to do those kinds of things too? While he was still in a state of shock, the doorbell rang out of the blue. Only after it rang a second time did Ji-gu move toward the door.

“Who is it…?”

“…”

It was Yeo-woon. He greeted Ji-gu with an awkward smile and said, “Hi.” Immediately, Ji-gu’s face flushed. Yoon Ji-gu was reminded of the saying that even a tiger comes when you call its name.

“…?”

Wait, was that right? Tigers aren’t puppies, though…

Anyway. As soon as he saw Yeo-woon, it felt like time had stopped again. He was glad that Yeo-woon was the first person he saw today. Yoon Ji-gu felt for the first time what it’s like to encounter something you like when you least expect it. It felt like the moment when, after pressing a button without any expectations, a 0.1% chance pet appears in a game.

“Merry Christmas.”

“…You too.”

The idea that Santa doesn’t give presents to people who don’t believe in him is a lie. Ji-gu had known Santa was just his dad since he was very young, but look at this—here was his Christmas present, delivered right to him.

“Can I have your number?”

The house password? Bank account password? Wh-what number?

For a moment, his mind went blank and he couldn’t think straight. Seeing him stupidly frozen, Yeo-woon tilted his head slightly as if urging for an answer.

“Type in your number.”

What Yeo-woon held out was a mobile phone.

“Now that I think about it, I don’t really have a way to contact you.”

“…”

He wanted to contact him? Today, of all days?

“We’ve spent all this time not knowing each other’s numbers. I just got back from the café, and you weren’t there.”

“The cafe?”

Yoon Ji-gu asked with wide eyes for a moment. The thought that Yeo-woon had gone to the cafe looking for him made his heart… his heart flutter unbearably.

“You went to the cafe?”

“Yes.”

“Because of me?”

“You’re usually either at home or at the cafe. So I thought you’d be at one of those two places.”

“T-That’s true, but…”

“When I couldn’t find you, I left right after going in. I should’ve just rang the doorbell from the start, right?”

Yoon Ji-gu blankly stared at Yeo-woon’s phone in his hand. The keypad with ten numbers and two special characters filled the screen. He wanted him to enter his number? Dazedly, Yoon Ji-gu pressed eleven numbers and handed it back to Yeo-woon. Yeo-woon saved his number right in front of him. The name ‘Yoon Ji-gu’ was now stored in his phone.

“Thanks.”

“…”

“…Your eyes are very swollen.”

Yeo-woon mumbled awkwardly, looking somewhat apologetic. The moment Ji-gu heard those words, he realized he must look like a mess. All he had done was wash his face while dealing with last night’s dream this morning.

I need to look in a mirror right now! Just how bad do I look for even this oblivious Yeo-woon to point it out? Actually, now that he thought about it, he’d already shown Yeo-woon worse. Ji-gu squeezed his eyes shut as he recalled how pathetically he’d cried in front of Yeo-woon yesterday.

Yesterday’s events became the most embarrassing moment of his life. He should have at least had some drinks while waiting. Then he would have had an excuse. He couldn’t bear the fact that he had done such things while completely sober. Even he couldn’t understand his impulsive self from yesterday.

“My eyes… they’re swollen from sleeping. I slept a lot, really. You know how your eyes swell when you sleep, right? …I was just taking a nap.”

“Did I wake you? I’m sorry.”

“No, that’s not it…”

“You can sleep more if you want.”

“…”

The conversation can’t end like this. But he didn’t know what to say to keep it flowing naturally. Yeo-woon looked at Yoon Ji-gu, who was just moving his lips, and carefully asked.

“Do you have plans this evening?”

“No!”

“…You startled me.”

Yeo-woon’s shoulders jumped slightly. …Did he speak too eagerly? Yoon Ji-gu was afraid it might have looked like he had been waiting for Yeo-woon to say that. He hated how words came out directly without passing through his brain. Ji-gu wanted to appear mature to him, but things never went as he planned.

“N-no. No plans.”

“Then would you like to have dinner with me later?”

“Dinner?”

“There’ll be a lot of people out, so going somewhere might be a hassle. How about we just take care of it together, just the two of us?”

“…Just the two of us?”

On any other day, he would have readily agreed, but today was Christmas. A special day that comes only once a year. Even knowing it might sound desperate, he felt he would regret it if he didn’t ask.

“Is it… because you feel sorry for me?”

“No.”

Yeo-woon denied his words without a moment’s hesitation.

“Really, it’s not. …Actually, I hadn’t planned to ask you to dinner. I just thought of it now and asked.”

Hearing that, the gloom in Ji-gu’s heart lifted in an instant.

“Have you thought about it?”

“About what?”

“…”

“Ah, that… You can’t expect me to make a decision in just one day.”

Why not?

“Ji-gu, I’m confused too. If it was just a short fling, maybe… but isn’t it a bit much to answer something like this in just a day?”

A short fling and then breaking up. How can he even think of such a thing…

“It’s strange.”

“What is?”

“You kissed me yesterday.”

“…I did.”

“But now you’re acting like everything’s normal. It’s unfair. It feels like…”

“…”

“I’m the only one who care…”

Standing in front of Yeo-woon sometimes made Ji-gu feel exposed. Like all his emotions were laid bare. Yeo-woon was always so calm and composed, while he was left flustered and anxious. The whole thing was infuriating. Yet, despite all of that, he still liked Yeo-woon. The more time passed, the more he found himself liking him, and it was getting harder to deal with.

Yeo-woon’s chest rose and fell softly, almost imperceptibly. It seemed like he was carefully choosing his next words. To Ji-gu, those few seconds felt like an eternity.

“It’s not like that.”

“Normally, after something like what happened yesterday… avoiding me would be the natural reaction, right?”

“I didn’t want to avoid you.”

“…See, it’s only me again.”

“…Do I really seem that calm right now?”

“Very much so.”

Yeo-woon blinked a few times with his usual clear expression, then averted his eyes with a sheepish look on his face.

“That’s a relief. I’m just pretending to be.”

“Don’t lie.”

“I hesitated about five times in front of your door before ringing the doorbell.”

“…”

“And I kept rehearsing what to say in my head after seeing your face.”

“You… rehearsed?”

“…I don’t know how I come across to you, but I’m nervous too. Of course, I am.”

Did that mean Yeo-woon’s heart was racing just like his right now? Whatever the case, it was certainly different from usual.

“You’re confusing me when you act like this…”

No matter how he looked at it, Yeo-woon liked him. Even though Ji-gu knew he didn’t, Yeo-woon kept giving him hope.

“J-Ji-gu? Don’t cry.”

“I’m not crying!”

“I was afraid you might cry again…”

Yeo-woon says with his own mouth that he didn’t like him, but from Ji-gu’s perspective, that wasn’t the case. Or was even this just his own misunderstanding?

Yeo-woon kept messing with his emotions, making him go up and down multiple times a day.

“Alright, so think hard about me from now on.”

“Huh? Suddenly?”

“You said you’d think about it.”

“That’s true… But isn’t the wording a bit different?”

“These days, I think about you all day long. Even earlier…”

“Earlier?”

“…”

As soon as he recalled the morning’s events, Yoon Ji-gu’s expression hardened. He did like Yeo-woon, but…

“What is it? Why did you stop talking?”

The bizarre video he had seen earlier kept overlapping with Yeo-woon’s face, which looked far from lewd. It was even more frightening because the image of the hairy foreign man wearing a Santa hat and holding a whip didn’t match Yeo-woon at all.

“Anyway, you’re free for dinner, right?”

“…Today!”

Ji-gu suddenly felt a pang of worry.

“Today, we just eat dinner and you have to go!”

“That was the plan?”

“I’m not… mentally prepared yet…”

Yeo-woon looked at Ji-gu, whose face had gone pale, and tilted his head in confusion. Then, he let out an awkward smile.

“Sorry, I guess I was too hasty. I know you’re uncomfortable with this kind of talk…”

“…Yes.”

“Today, we’ll just have dinner and I’ll go.”

“…”

“I won’t talk about anything else.”

“Okay.”

That was a relief. Yoon Ji-gu nodded as if granting a favor.

After making dinner plans with Yeo-woon, Ji-gu started mentally organizing what he had to do once Yeo-woon left. First, he had to wash up. He couldn’t keep showing himself like this. He needed to shower, reduce the swelling in his eyes, and change into some decent clothes. There was so much to prepare before Yeo-woon arrived.

“See you later, then…”

Before Yeo-woon could finish speaking, Ji-gu glanced at the clock and cut him off. The hour hand was inching toward 1.

“Come at eight.”

“Are you planning to sleep that long?”

No, eight was too late. Wasting the day like this would be a shame!

“No, come at seven.”

“Alright, seven it is.”

“No, actually, six-thirty…”

“Six thirty?”

“…Just come whenever it’s convenient for you. Anytime after five is fine.”

“So, five o’clock?”

“Anytime after that… I’ll be waiting from then on.”

“Alright, sleep well.”

“I’m not going to sleep.”

“Okay, sleep well!”

“…”

Yeo-woon joked that he should finish his nap and left. As soon as the door closed, Yoon Ji-gu started moving quickly. Far from taking a nap, he spent over an hour just showering. After scrubbing meticulously, he spent another hour picking out clothes. By the time he was done, it had started snowing outside.

Today felt like it would be the best Christmas ever!

Yeo-woon visited his house as soon as it turned five o’clock. The feeling of letting in the man who had rejected him just a day ago was strangely exhilarating. Yeo-woon saw the flowers on the table and complimented his sense, saying, “I saw these at the cafe, you have them at home too?” And then…

“…”

Honestly, Ji-gu couldn’t really remember what they had talked about all day. His mind had been in a whirlwind. But one thing stood out: Yeo-woon had kept Ji-gu’s cat, Yoon Pposong, in his arms the entire time. The cat, who normally avoided everyone except Ji-gu, had for the first time approached Yeo-woon, settling down in his lap. Yeo-woon seemed more moved than ever and couldn’t speak for a while. At that moment, Yoon Ji-gu felt a little envious of his cat. And at the same time, he berated himself for having such thoughts.

Shit, I don’t want to be petted by Yeo-woon’s hand! Besides, considering Yeo-woon’s preferences, he would probably prefer hitting to petting. It was hopeless. As soon as the most chaotic dinner of his life ended, Yeo-woon left promptly for home. While this was what he had wanted, part of him didn’t want to let him go.

“I mean, don’t most people avoid each other after something like that?”

But Yeo-woon said he didn’t want to avoid him… What nonsense was that? If there was a machine that could look into Yeo-woon’s mind, Ji-gu would buy it no matter the cost and peer into his thoughts right away. He was dying to know what he was thinking and why he was acting this way towards him.

Just then, Yoon Ji-gu’s phone on the table vibrated and a message preview popped up.

010-XXXX-XXXX: Oh right. I forgot earlier… Save my number!

It was a text from an unknown number. Yoon Ji-gu frowned at the interruption and quickly replied.

Yoon Ji-gu: Who are you?

010-XXXX-XXXX: Guess who? lol lol

Really? Joking around? Do this person think they’re friends?

Yoon Ji-gu: You sent the message to the wrong person

010-XXXX-XXXX: lololololololol

Yoon Ji-gu: Blocked. Bye

010-XXXX-XXXX: Oh I’m sorry

010-XXXX-XXXX: Is this not Yoon Ji-gu’s number?

“…?”

010-XXXX-XXXX: It’s me, Lee Yeo-woon…

“…Gasp!”

At that moment, the thought that he had messed up filled Ji-gu’s mind. He had completely forgotten that Yeo-woon had asked his number earlier in the day. How could he have forgotten?! He had been so distracted, that he hadn’t even asked for Yeo-woon’s number in return!

Yoon Ji-gu quickly scanned the messages he had sent again, and only after confirming that he hadn’t used any severe swear words or been excessively rude did he breathe a sigh of relief.

Yoon Ji-gu: Oh, it’s you!

Yoon Ji-gu: Yes, this is Yoon Ji-gu…

010-XXXX-XXXX: I thought you gave me a fake number lol

010-XXXX-XXXX: Did you save my number?

He should save it, right? With shaky hands, Ji-gu pressed Yeo-woon’s number and added it to his contacts. He stared at the name input field for a while before typing “Lee Yeo-woon” and, after a moment’s hesitation, added a red heart next to the name.

“…!”

Too obvious. Fearing someone might see, he quickly erased the heart and just added “hyung” after the name before saving.

Yoon Ji-gu: Saved it.

Lee Yeo-woon hyung: Ah, glad I said something before you blocked me, lol

Yoon Ji-gu: I don’t block people that easily, okay? I usually just ignore texts. My blocklist is totally clean!

Lee Yeo-woon hyung: Okay lol Then see you at the pool

“…Swimming pool.”

Could he even go? Just last night, after dreaming about Yeo-woon holding his hand and kissing him, he had been a mess. Now, thinking about the pool and the nature of the place made his head throb. Imagining Yeo-woon in a swimsuit felt strange.

A swimsuit that barely covers part of the lower body… his wet body on full display… It’s too lewd. In a space where everyone else can see… How could he act normal around him after that? He was worried about staying composed. Yoon Ji-gu shook his head vigorously as if to shake off the parade of flesh-colored images filling his mind. After a while of strange thoughts, he belatedly noticed Yeo-woon’s message had arrived.

Lee Yeo-woon hyung: Sleep well.

Was “sleep well” always this magical? Staring at those two simple words, Ji-gu felt his heart swell with an unexplainable emotion. Last night, he had spent hours regretting everything, feeling miserable, and wishing he could undo the day. But now, in hindsight, he was glad he had said what he did.

“…”

Although no one was looking at him, Yoon Ji-gu glanced around needlessly. Then he gently pressed his lips to Yeo-woon’s message. The cold, hard feel of the screen made him unnecessarily embarrassed.

Yoon Ji-gu: You too, hyung.

Yoon Ji-gu: Goodnight.

December 25th, 11:50 PM. With only 10 minutes left of the day, he sent his goodnight message. In his mind, “Goodnight” was written, but what he really meant was “I like you.”

He had poured all of his emotions into the casual words. It felt good to end the long day exchanging words with Yeo-woon. If only all these feelings could reach him….

On the surface, nothing seemed to have changed, but the dice had already been cast. Their relationship was quietly but inevitably shifting.