DAH Ch 9
by soapa[Alpha Heat]
[Rut Cycle]
[Rut Cycle Duration]
[Rut Scent]
[Rut Precautions]
“Haah….”
Jungjoon, who had been typing search terms into the computer one after another, let out a sigh. Even while working, he would catch himself searching for these pointless things whenever he came to his senses.
Alphas, Omegas—these were concepts that had been completely excluded from Jungjoon’s life for the past 17 years. Perhaps that’s why just reading explanations about them made him feel an overwhelming pressure, as if he were stepping into a dangerous world. Words like “heat” and “pheromones,” so unfamiliar, brought on an extreme sense of fatigue just by looking at them.
Jungjoon pressed his fingers hard against the space between his brows for a few seconds before straightening his posture. Tap, tap, tap…. His fingertips, which had been striking the keyboard like the ticking of a clock’s second hand, soon began forming new words.
[Alpha Pheromones]
[Alpha Pheromones Beta Effects]
“…….”
After pressing Enter, he stared at the monitor with a serious expression. His gaze, which seemed to be searching intently for something, eventually settled on a question tucked away in the corner of the screen.
‘If a Beta is exposed to Alpha pheromones for a long period, is there a possibility they could manifest as an Omega?’
Drawn in as if compelled, his cursor moved to click the question. The page changed, and Jungjoon’s hand quickly scrolled the mouse wheel. His eyes darted back and forth as he read the responses.
No matter how many times he reread it, the conclusion was the same: ‘Unless it’s an extremely unusual situation, it’s impossible.’ Other similar questions had answers that weren’t much different.
It seemed he had momentarily been caught up in an unrealistic fantasy. Realizing he had scared himself too much out of anxiety, Jungjoon hurriedly closed the screen.
“…….”
Work wasn’t getting done at all, and he rubbed his face with a sigh. The search had dispelled his unease, but it left a bitter aftertaste. Separate from the resolved doubts, a lingering sense of shameful discomfort remained. It was, quite literally, an unsettling and embarrassing feeling—one he didn’t want anyone to catch wind of.
“Hoo….”
He couldn’t deny that he’d become more sensitive since learning Yoonhae was an Alpha. Yoonhae felt different now, and Jungjoon couldn’t shake the thought that he wouldn’t be able to treat him the same as before. Objectively speaking, Yoonhae hadn’t changed from the beginning to now—it was Jungjoon himself who had. Overreacting to the late discovery of Yoonhae’s traits felt, in a way, ridiculous.
What was he so afraid of, anyway? Yoonhae was no longer the little brother from the orphanage days, the one he’d lived with back then. He wasn’t the stubborn, ignorant boy who only had eyes for Jungjoon.
Yoonhae was now a fully capable adult, a successful businessman. With a masculine physique and appearance, a loving partner, and a happy, enviable life, he was an Alpha who lacked nothing.
The idea that such a perfect man might still want “those things” from him and the wariness it sparked suddenly struck Jungjoon as absurd, and he let out a hollow laugh.
“Ha….”
Had he really, truly thought that?
His gaze drifted to the mirror placed on one corner of his office desk. Reflected there was a man unmistakably in his thirties, an utterly unremarkable guy. A tired office worker you could find anywhere, the kind who looked like he might have a wife and kids—a perfectly ordinary Beta male.
“I must be losing it….”
Muttering to himself, he rubbed the corners of his eyes. In his mind, he recalled Yoonhae, who genuinely cherished his partner. Thinking back on what a well-matched couple they were, Jungjoon finally considered that Sungha must be an Omega.
‘Generally speaking, for an awakened Alpha, a Beta is extremely unlikely to become an object of romantic or sexual attraction. To use an analogy, the sensation an Alpha feels when looking at a Beta is similar to what a human feels when looking at a monkey. They might resemble each other outwardly, but they’re entirely different species, accompanied by a complete lack of romantic or sexual pull.’
Recalling the relationship between Alphas and Betas he’d read about in his search, Jungjoon felt even the faint lingering doubts transform entirely into absurd shame.
The more he thought about it, the less he could laugh at the ridiculous misunderstanding and wariness. Rubbing his face quietly a few times, he soon gathered his things to step out for some fieldwork.
After finishing two meetings and while heading to the next, his phone vibrated to signal a call. Thinking it might be a client, Jungjoon glanced at it while holding the steering wheel, only to freeze in an instant.
‘Lee Yoonhae’
The caller’s name lingered in his vision, pressing down on him for quite a while. Even after the vibration stopped, he remained hyper-aware of the phone, as if an uncomfortable presence were right in front of him. It wasn’t until he arrived at the next appointment location, a 15-minute drive away, that the now-silent phone buzzed briefly again.
Busy?
Call me when you have time.
Jungjoon stared at the messages with the rigid expression of someone who’d received grave news.
A minute passed in that state… then another two minutes. After a total of five minutes, his hand hesitated as it moved to type a reply, only to end up dismissing the phone notification entirely.
‘…If only contact could just end like this.’
He knew it was impossible, yet all he could think about was avoidance. Even though Yoonhae being an Alpha was no longer the issue, the scene he’d witnessed that weekend refused to leave his mind.
Whenever that scene came to mind, his chest grew cold. Old, buried memories resurfaced like a flashback, making him feel sick. There must have been something I didn’t know about. There had to have been circumstances I couldn’t understand. Even as he tried to rationalize it, recalling how accustomed Yoonhae seemed to violence made it hard to breathe. Yoonhae’s very existence became unbearably uncomfortable, and all Jungjoon could think about was keeping his distance, just like before.
“…….”
Jungjoon opened the photo gallery on his phone and flipped through the pictures he’d taken last weekend. In most of them, Yoonhae was holding Ian, smiling gently.
But was it because he knew what Yoonhae was like as a child? Or was it because the final scene he’d witnessed that day was etched into his mind? That face, which anyone would find likable, seemed to hide a dark and dangerous shadow.
Ian, nestled in Yoonhae’s arms, looked utterly happy. Even after returning from the trip, he kept calling him “Uncle” and seemed eager to go play with him again. But from Jungjoon’s perspective, he wasn’t sure if that would happen again. Having witnessed such an incident, as a parent, he didn’t think he could let Yoonhae stay close to his child anymore.
After looking through all the photos, Jungjoon opened the chat window with a determined look and typed a reply.
Sorry. I’m working, so I’ll call you later.
He sent the short, perhaps curt-sounding message and exited the chat. To avoid seeing Yoonhae’s messages in real-time, he turned off notifications entirely before stepping out of the car.
For the next two weeks, he avoided Yoonhae’s attempts to reach out, using the excuse of being busy.
The excuse of being busy was, at first, a complete lie, but it soon became the truth. It wasn’t just work piling up—various unavoidable circumstances overlapped, throwing his daily life into chaos. Beyond being merely hectic, the relentless string of misfortunes pushed his physical and mental stamina to their limits, leaving Jungjoon feeling like even breathing was a struggle.
The worst of it was the absurd situation of having to move out by next month.
‘I’m really sorry. My second daughter’s family is suddenly moving back from the States…. You know her husband—originally, this was their house. Anyway, it looks like we’ll need it vacated by next month. Of course, we’ll cover all the moving costs, okay? Please understand.’
Despite having a year left on the lease, he was being forced out at the landlord’s request.
That alone was headache enough, but the misfortunes kept coming. There was an issue with the daycare Ian attended. Ian, who had been doing fine there, suddenly started struggling with daycare life. It turned out that a change in teachers had created some overwhelming situations for the shy child.
‘Ian hasn’t been eating lately, and he stays awake alone during nap time…. He’s been crying a lot too. We’re doing our best to care for him, but I thought you should know, sir.’
Hearing about Ian’s condition over the phone, it seemed more serious than he’d expected. Sure enough, when he got home, the child seemed listless and even depressed, unlike before. The biggest problem was that he wasn’t sleeping or eating properly.
“Ian-ah. Is it tough because the daycare teacher changed?”
“…….”
“I see…. Our Ian must be upset because the teacher he liked isn’t there anymore. But the new teacher is nice too. If you give it a little time, I bet you’ll like her soon, right?”
The child shook his head. It seemed something had happened—nothing major, but enough to hurt his feelings. He didn’t explain it clearly, but he showed signs of finding the teacher difficult and even wanting to avoid her.
Jungjoon thought it would get better with time, but the very next day, after trying to persuade him, Ian outright refused to go to daycare.
“I’m not going…!”
Seeing his child throw a tantrum and cry, Jungjoon felt like crying too. He had to go to work, but he couldn’t force a distressed child to daycare either.
After much deliberation, he had no choice but to call Ian’s grandparents that day, entrust the child to them, and head to work.
‘…Maybe this is for the best.’
At first, it felt bleak, but the more he thought about it, there were positives too. He wouldn’t have to limit the new neighborhood to areas near the daycare. Moving and switching daycares at the same time might work out, and it could be a chance to find a place closer to his workplace.
Of course, even with that decision, things didn’t go smoothly. As expected, finding a place was tough—squeezing time out of his schedule to house-hunt was exhausting. If one condition fit, another didn’t; if one issue was resolved, another cropped up.
Time passed like a war amid extreme stress. With big and small problems refusing to resolve, he was on the verge of losing it. Making calls and inquiries everywhere, 24 hours a day didn’t feel like enough. Ian stayed with his grandparents the whole time, and they still hadn’t settled on a new place to live.
The tight moving deadline meant there were countless little details to handle. Moving was the kind of thing where neglecting the small stuff would lead to pain later, so nothing could be overlooked. Everything required time and effort, and while frantically dealing with it all, there were moments he wanted to scream and give up.
‘…I might die like this.’
His heavy, sagging body felt like its cells were half-dead. He thought he could sleep soundly for a month if someone told him to just rest.
Sighing, Jungjoon turned the steering wheel into the parking lot of a large supermarket. Before picking up Ian, he planned to do some shopping and make a nice dinner.
Entering the grocery section, he fought off intense fatigue to carefully pick out items. Ingredients for egg soup, hamburgers, and a salad, plus seasonal fruits and snacks Ian liked. Imagining Ian’s happy face as he put them in the cart, a faint smile crept onto his lips.
“Daddyyy—!”
The moment he opened his in-laws’ door, Ian came running out. Holding the child in one arm, Jungjoon gave a brief greeting to his in-laws before turning to leave.
“Ian hasn’t had dinner with Daddy lately, huh? Tonight, Daddy’s going to make something really yummy.”
Perhaps excited by the rare home-cooked meal, Ian ate without fussing. He scraped every bit clean and showed the exact reaction Jungjoon had hoped for with the snacks. Shouting “Daddy’s the best!” while eating, the sight melted away all the fatigue Jungjoon had accumulated.
“Are you excited about moving, Ian? Not upset about switching daycares either?”
“Yeah, not upset, I like it!”
Cream smeared around his mouth, Ian waved his hands excitedly. Jungjoon smiled faintly and wiped the child’s face with his hand.
He played with Ian for a while and read a bedtime story. After confirming the child was fast asleep, Jungjoon stepped into the living room and cracked open a can of beer. He wasn’t usually one to drink alone, but today, with the piled-up exhaustion and the heat from running around, his thirst was unbearable.
After finishing the can, he went to the bathroom to wash up properly. Standing under the pouring water with half-closed eyes, he scrubbed every corner of his body. As he stepped out and habitually checked himself in the mirror, he noticed a mark he hadn’t seen before.
“…Huh?”
Slightly off-center on his back, there was something like a rash. Examining it, he suddenly recalled sitting under a tree in the park earlier that day while on a call with a client. It must have been a bug bite from then.
“Ha….”
Rubbing his face with both hands, he faced the mirror again. His already pale skin, now paired with bluish dark circles, made him look haggard. His stamina was clearly shot, and his body in the mirror seemed smaller than before.
I can’t afford to lose more muscle here…. Lost in a daze, Jungjoon draped a towel around his neck and lay face-down on the living room mat. Hoo, hoo, breathing steadily, he began doing push-ups at a slow pace.
Out of sheer stubbornness, he pushed through to 100 before collapsing with a groan. Having satisfied his midnight burst of energy for the sake of fitness, he washed his sweaty body once more before returning to sleep beside Ian.
The weekend was packed with important tasks. After breakfast, taking Ian to look at houses was the top priority. His only hope was that a good place with similar conditions and price would finally show up.
‘Please let this go smoothly too….’
Closing his eyes, he desperately wished to get through this hurdle.
⟡˖ ࣪
The next morning, Jungjoon—who should have been the busiest starting his day—couldn’t get out of bed.
Was it because he overdid it last night? His whole body ached with muscle pain, and he had a significant headache and fever. His condition had been poor lately, and it seemed he’d finally caught a cold.
‘Of all times….’
Last night’s overexertion with exercise felt like a self-inflicted wound. Regretting why he’d done something so out of character, he tried to drag himself up, but even his eyelids felt impossibly heavy.
“Daddy, I’m hungry….”
Ian snuggled into his arms, whining. With effort, Jungjoon grabbed his phone and saw it was already past 10 a.m. He was shocked he hadn’t heard the alarm set for 8.
“Ugh, I’ll make you food, just wait….”
His throat was so hoarse it produced a strange sound. Groaning, Jungjoon forced himself up. Staggering, he made his way to the kitchen.
Using leftovers from yesterday, he barely managed to prepare food for Ian, then rummaged through the medicine cabinet behind him. Finding cold medicine and swallowing it, he couldn’t stand any longer and collapsed onto the sofa.
“Daddy, are you okay…?”
Ian asked worriedly while eating.
“…Yeah, Daddy’s fine. Eat your food well, Ian. Daddy’s just going to lie down for a bit.”
Having taken medicine, he thought about sleeping for 30 minutes and getting up. Curling up, he hoped the fever would subside when he opened his eyes again.
“Daddy….”
“…….”
“Daddy…!”
At the sound of Ian calling, Jungjoon reflexively mumbled, “Ugh….” Shivering from chills, he clutched his trembling body. He felt the child’s small hands clinging to him. “Daddy’s okay…,” he muttered through a cracked voice, until consciousness slipped away unnoticed.
He didn’t know how long he slept. When he came to slightly, it felt like a lot of time had passed. His eyes wouldn’t open, and his body wouldn’t move. His throat stung, and his head throbbed even more.
“Daddy, are you okay…? Does it hurt a lot…?”
Forcing his eyes open, he saw Ian crying through blurry vision. A thin blanket covered him, and a crooked children’s cooling patch was stuck to his forehead.
Jungjoon let out a hot, “Haah.” The sound of Ian bursting into tears followed.
“Don’t cry, Ian-ah…. Daddy’s okay.”
With a raspy voice, Jungjoon tried to soothe the child. Should he call his mother-in-law to take Ian? He thought about it but couldn’t even move a finger. Plus, having relied on them so much already, he felt too ashamed to ask again.
“Daddy’s okay….”
He murmured to the anxious child like a mantra. Trying to stay conscious, he instead blacked out again.
What followed was a series of memories he couldn’t tell were dreams or reality. Occasionally, a gentle hand shook him, and a voice called out. The doorbell rang through the house, followed by the patter of Ian’s running feet piercing his eardrums.
The sound of the front door opening came next, then the presence of someone entering. Hearing Ian’s excited tone, Jungjoon grew puzzled. Did my mother-in-law come without me calling? When did I contact her? In his confusion, the line between dream and reality blurred. Like a patient with only his consciousness barely alive, his ears were open, but his body wouldn’t budge.
‘Daddy…!’
Ian’s voice calling him felt dreamlike and hazy. His awareness and the sounds cut in and out.
At some point, a cool, dry touch brushed against him like a dream. That touch grazed over Jungjoon’s feverish body. Soon, his sweat-soaked bedding lifted from his back and lower body. With a floating sensation, Jungjoon was moved somewhere.
Every strand of hair, every inch of his body ached, and he burned from head to toe.
Am I dying?
He thought as his shaking body trembled.
Is this how I die?
Even as he thought he couldn’t die like this, his strength faded. Pain and helplessness mixed, robbing him of rational thought.
He didn’t cling to life out of attachment. But thinking of Ian left alone in this harsh world brought tears to his eyes.
Jina-yah, help us….
Calling out to his wife, who’d gone to the heavens first, he lost consciousness at the edge of awareness.
⟡˖ ࣪
He dreamed of the first time he met his wife. Her smiling face across the counter, the sunlight streaming through the glass, the moment she asked, “Is this your first time here?” and his insides seemed to sink. That day’s memories blended with new illusions, creating a happy moment.
At some point, his wife’s soft hand stroked Jungjoon’s cheek. Reaching out to grab it, he found nothing to hold. It felt so tangible yet wasn’t, a repeated futile grasp. Struggling to catch it, Jungjoon opened his eyes, his body stiff.
“…….”
What came into view was a familiar space. Jungjoon realized he was lying in the master bedroom. How and when he got here, his memory was spotty, as if parts had been erased. He remembered making food for Ian, but everything after was hazy.
He was sure he’d taken medicine and fallen asleep on the sofa….
Jerking upright, he froze in confusion. A needle was stuck in the back of his hand. Looking closer, he noticed his clothes were different from when he fell asleep. With no memory of changing, a chill ran through him.
“Are you feeling a bit better?”
Seeing the face of the person entering the room, Jungjoon reacted as if he’d seen a ghost.
“…How are you….”
Muttering, it suddenly hit him. While he was suffering, someone had rung the bell, and Ian had opened the door. He’d assumed it was Ian’s grandparents because of the child’s excited voice, but now he realized it wasn’t.
“I tried contacting you because Ian forgot a toy we bought on the trip, and I wanted to drop it off. But when I didn’t get a reply even after a day, I got worried and stopped by….”
“…Ah….”
Hearing the explanation, Jungjoon still didn’t know what to say. Who could have anticipated this? The unexpected situation, combined with his vulnerable state, left his mind stumbling.
“The needle is an IV. It’s vitamins and a fever reducer… You looked so bad I had it set up. A professional handled it, so there’s no issue.”
“…….”
His gaze followed the needle in his hand upward. Two nearly empty IV bags hung there. As he moved to pull the needle out, Yoonhae stepped in to do it for him. Rubbing the spot with cotton, Jungjoon hesitated before offering a faint, “Thanks….”
His condition was noticeably better than before he slept. It wasn’t the outcome he’d wanted, but regardless, he’d received significant help in a situation where he’d collapsed, leaving Ian alone.
“Where’s Ian…?”
“He fell asleep on the sofa while playing. Should I bring him?”
Jungjoon shook his head to say no.
“I bought some porridge and left it in the living room. Can you eat?”
“Ah….”
“Even if you force it, eat. You need the energy.”
Honestly, he had no appetite. But knowing he needed to recover quickly, he nodded.
Too weak to stand, Yoonhae supported him. With an arm around his neck and a hand on his waist, Yoonhae slowly helped him up. Jungjoon, hanging onto Yoonhae like a patient unable to walk, made his way to the living room.
Ian was fast asleep on the sofa, clutching a doll. Relieved, Jungjoon brushed the child’s hair before turning to see Yoonhae setting the table with practiced ease, as if it were his own home.
“I’ll do it.”
Steam rose from the porridge just taken out of the microwave. Pulling out a chair at the table, Yoonhae said,
“It’s done. Sit.”
Feeling oddly like a guest in his own home, Jungjoon awkwardly sat at his living room table.
“Why don’t you eat too? There’s too much.”
Eating alone across from him felt uncomfortable. At Jungjoon’s subtle suggestion, Yoonhae replied, “Sure, why not,” and casually grabbed an extra bowl and spoon.
“…There’s a lot.”
Two types of porridge were on the table—beef and abalone, both giving off a savory aroma. Smelling it, his nonexistent appetite seemed to stir slightly.
Scooping a bit from the top, it slid down his throat smoothly.
“Is it okay?”
“…It’s good. Thanks.”
“Let’s go to the hospital after you eat.”
“…No, it’s fine. I need to head out right after this. Today’s schedule is too tight….”
This level of kindness was already burdensome enough. He didn’t want to owe more or share anything more personal.
“Because of the move?”
Jungjoon looked up abruptly from his porridge.
“How….”
“Ian mentioned it. That you’re moving.”
“Ah….”
“Aren’t you overdoing it trying to find a place?”
His spoon tepidly grazed the surface of the porridge.
“…Moving’s always like that. You have to push to get things done.”
“You look awful. I almost called an ambulance.”
Yoonhae gestured with his eyes, taking a bite of porridge.
“…I’ve been pretty tired lately, and then this cold hit….”
“Let’s go to the hospital now. Did you know you’ve got a mark on your back?”
“…Yeah.”
Jungjoon frowned slightly.
“It looks like shingles. The location and shape suggest it.”
“…….”
“The longer you ignore it, the worse it’ll get, so don’t be stubborn—go to the hospital.”
He felt what little appetite he’d mustered drop away. Setting down the spoon he’d been stirring the porridge with, Jungjoon poked at the side dishes aimlessly. A “Haah” slipped out unconsciously.
“What’s wrong?”
“…Nothing.”
He tried to relax his facial muscles. Even putting on a minimally sociable expression turned out to require energy he didn’t have.
“My head hurts.”
Indeed, a sharp, stabbing neuralgia was setting in. Dropping the chopsticks too, he clutched his head with one hand.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah. I’m fine.”
He wished Yoonhae would just focus on eating and stop paying attention to him. But contrary to that hope, Yoonhae’s unnecessary concern didn’t let up. With a creak, he heard the chair pull back and footsteps approaching.
“…Are you feeling really bad?”
The cautious question came closer, followed by a hand resting on his shoulder.
Jungjoon shook it off sharply and stood up. It was an instinctive reaction. The blurred memories—whether dream or reality—resurfaced, contributing to it.
The hands handling his limp body suddenly became vivid. The motions of undressing him, wiping sweat from every corner, and the final gaze looking down at him as if appraising him—all of it came back, stirring an unbearable feeling.
“…….”
Please let it not be real. Let it be a trick of his over-sensitive nerves. Clutching his forehead anxiously, Jungjoon suppressed nausea.
“…Sorry. It’s the headache.”
Yoonhae silently watched him as he made the excuse.
“Are you done eating?”
“My stomach’s upset…. Thanks for the meal.”
Turning away as he spoke, Yoonhae approached him.
“Did I do something wrong?”
“…No. What….”
Forcing a smile and trying to sidestep, his arm was grabbed. Goosebumps rose from the point of contact. Twisting his arm free, Jungjoon averted his gaze, but his brow furrowed involuntarily.
“What upset you?”
Tell me so I can understand. The tone was careful and kind, but the words were blunt. The straightforward attitude felt like it was cutting off any escape route.
Why did you undress me?
Why my clothes,
Why did you,
Why did you touch my body as you pleased?
The same words spun in his head like a madman’s rant. The things he couldn’t bring himself to say piled up in his throat.
“Did I say something wrong?”
“…No.”
“There must be something I did to make you uncomfortable. Tell me, it’s okay.”
Every time Jungjoon tried to move past, Yoonhae blocked him with his chest. It wasn’t threatening, but it carried a subtle pressure. Despite Jungjoon’s clear signals of discomfort, the persistent touch made his stomach churn. Dizziness and neuralgia piled on, and his rationality lost control.
“Why did you take my clothes off?”
The moment he spat out the accusatory words, regret crashed over him.
“…The sweat… you didn’t need to wipe it or anything, so why….”
He mumbled hazily. The suppressed feelings spilled out like residue.
Silence fell immediately, and the atmosphere grew strange. He could feel Yoonhae staring at him.
“You were so soaked I thought you’d catch a cold if I left you like that, so I changed you. If that made you uncomfortable, I’m sorry. I figured since we’re both guys, it wouldn’t be a big deal… I didn’t think it through.”
“…….”
“The sweat—I just roughly wiped the surface with a towel. Changing you was quick, and it wasn’t like there was anything to see. Obviously, I didn’t have any intentions like that.”
“…….”
“The shingles area was pretty noticeable. I’ve seen someone else suffer from it before, so I mentioned it, but I guess I made you uncomfortable for no reason. Sorry.”
As Yoonhae explained, Jungjoon found it harder and harder to lift his head.
“…No, that’s not what I meant… It’s not that I was offended, just….”
He was flustered. This wasn’t the kind of response he’d intended to elicit with his words.
With one wrong slip of the tongue, Jungjoon had turned himself into an overly self-conscious, irrational person. Seeing Jungjoon stammer with a flushed face, Yoonhae let out a small chuckle.
“Maybe it’s because it’s been so long that a wall’s come up between us. I’m a little hurt, honestly. We used to bathe together naked, after all.”
“……. …Sorry.”
It was a mistake he’d never have made normally. It seemed his mind was as fragile as his ailing body. A wave of shame washed over him, as if he were standing there stripped bare.
“If you’re sorry, how about we go to a bathhouse together next time? Catch up and all.”
“Uh, sure… A bathhouse sounds good….”
Jungjoon forced himself to try and smile. His nape burned hot.
“But really, it’s not that I was offended, I just said it because it came to mind….”
“I know.”
As the awkward conversation ended, exhaustion swept over him. He wanted to go back to his room and sleep right then and there.
“Is there anything else you want to say to me? Something bothering you…?”
“…….”
Jungjoon lifted his head to look at him.
“I feel like there’s still something you haven’t said.”
Just as confusion began to set in, Yoonhae elaborated.
“Ever since that last day of the trip, it’s felt like the way you’ve been treating me has changed, hyung.”
His gaze slanted downward as he muttered, wondering if it was just his imagination.
“…….”
“You… saw it, didn’t you?”
“…….”
Perhaps it showed on his face, because Yoonhae sighed as if he’d figured it out.
“Good thing I asked. I almost had to keep living under a misunderstanding.”
His lips twisted into a bitter smile as he spoke.
“Did you think I was some psycho who enjoys beating people up?”
“No, it’s not like that….”
“I ran into those guys again at the convenience store when I went to buy cigarettes.”
“…….”
“They followed me out after I left and started picking a fight. Saying stuff like how a guy who sucks dick has the nerve to walk around so confidently, or that homos have a distinct smell. They even cursed in front of Ian, and I just lost it for a second.”
“…….”
“They attacked first, so it was self-defense. And since I was alone, I figured if I didn’t go overboard, they’d think I was an easy target and it’d get messy later. So I snatched their cigarette and smoked it, put on a tough guy act I’d never done before, threw in some bravado to scare them…. Maybe it’s thanks to my orphanage street cred, but it worked pretty well.”
Yoonhae let out a fragmented laugh, as if he found it absurd.
“If I’d known you were watching, I wouldn’t have been able to go that far—I’d have been too nervous to let loose.”
I was trembling inside, he added in a low voice, rubbing his face. Watching him, Jungjoon finally understood the full context.
And he felt an indescribable emotion.
“…You should’ve said something earlier.”
“Why would I need to explain something like that? I just wanted to handle it on my own.”
The extreme assumptions he’d been spiraling toward were rendered null. He realized he’d unfairly dragged Yoonhae back into the shadows of their childhood. He’d cast him as a violent, terrifying figure, a strange and sinister being, and now Jungjoon felt ashamed of himself for it.
But more than embarrassment, the relief he felt was incomparably greater. He was grateful he no longer had to avoid or suspect Yoonhae. Just confirming that he wasn’t the dangerous person Jungjoon had imagined lifted his spirits.
Looking back, even as a kid, Yoonhae’s actions had been to protect him—never because of an inherently malicious nature. He was so young back then, he probably didn’t grasp the severity of violence, and his calm reaction afterward could be chalked up to a child’s typical ignorance, which made it entirely understandable.
“…So, does that mean we’ve cleared up our second misunderstanding now?”
Jungjoon nodded with an embarrassed expression.
“To begin with, there wasn’t even anything to misunderstand. I figured there had to be some reason….”
Seeing Jungjoon make excuses, Yoonhae just gave a small smile and left it at that.
With the misunderstanding resolved, the tension eased too, and perhaps because of that, he started to feel a bit hungry. They returned to their seats together, ate the porridge again, and after finishing the meal in a now-natural atmosphere, they sipped coffee while chatting.
Feeling apologetic, Jungjoon opened up about circumstances he hadn’t shared until then. He explained why his situation had ended up like this, the background behind his sudden need to move. Hearing it all, Yoonhae expressed anger at the selfish landlord’s behavior while also showing concern.
“If you move in such a rush and there’s a problem with the new place, that’d be a real headache later.”
“Exactly. That’s why I need to put in as much legwork as possible, but here I am like this….”
Even as he spoke, the sharp headache stabbed at him. Rubbing near his temples with a grimace, Jungjoon was quietly observed by Yoonhae, who then spoke up.
“So….”
Rubbing his jawline, he dropped his hand and continued.
“If you’re okay with it, hyung, I think I could help out a bit.”
Jungjoon looked at him with eyes questioning what he meant.
“I’ve got an officetel I used as an office for a while before.”
“…….”
“It’s empty right now, so you could move in anytime. It’s not far from here either.”
He said it as casually as if he were lending a piece of clothing rather than a home.
Did I hear that right? Jungjoon’s mind grew cluttered. Even if Yoonhae had plenty to spare, could he really offer something like this? To Jungjoon, with his ordinary sense of common decency, it was an incomprehensible proposal—something that didn’t seem like a big deal to wealthy people, perhaps. So, rather than gratitude, he felt burdened first.
“No, it’s fine, you don’t have to go that far….”
“Why not? Is there something bothering you about it?”
“It’s not that….”
“Are you worried I’ll kick you out soon? Stay as long as you want—years, decades, whatever. It’s my place, and I’m giving it to you to use, so no one’s going to say anything.”
He even added an incomprehensible condition.
“…Wouldn’t it be better to rent it out to someone for monthly income? An officetel could bring in a decent amount.”
“What’s the point of handing it over to a stranger for pocket change? It feels way better to let you use it, hyung.”
Pocket change, huh—an expression that drove home their economic gap.
“…Well, even so….”
“It’s just sitting empty, so I’m lending it out. Whether you live there or not, it doesn’t change anything for me.”
Despite his persuasive words, Jungjoon’s discomfort lingered. If he were in Yoonhae’s shoes, he’d never offer such kindness without expecting something in return. Maybe it was a difference in generosity, or perhaps just the divide between the haves and have-nots. It could even be the difference between someone tied to the past and someone who wasn’t.
Regardless, Jungjoon wasn’t shameless or shortsighted enough to accept such an offer outright.
“…Sorry. I really appreciate you thinking of me, but no matter how I look at it, that’d make me uncomfortable….”
At the continued refusal, Yoonhae let out a low, “Hmm….”
“If it’s like that, I don’t mind if you pay rent. Whatever terms make you comfortable.”
The truth was, the terms didn’t matter—it wouldn’t change the issue. Getting financially entangled with Yoonhae wasn’t something he welcomed.
The misunderstanding from the trip had been cleared, and he genuinely felt sorry, but that didn’t mean all the lingering resentment had dissolved. Some relationships could never fully reach that state.
It might not even be about Yoonhae specifically—it could be the same with anyone. In the face of kindness of this type and magnitude, it was natural to feel suspicion and hesitation, no matter who it came from.
“For starters, it’d definitely be way more convenient for you and Ian to live there. There’s a daycare right downstairs. It’d save you time commuting, and it’d be more reassuring in a lot of ways. Oh, and last time I checked, they even had weekend and night classes.”
“…Really?”
“There’s a pediatrician nearby too, plus a convenience store and a supermarket. A big mart’s just a five-minute drive away.”
The apartment he currently lived in was old, and the commercial area wasn’t great. The daycare Ian attended was quite a distance away too.
As Yoonhae explained the infrastructure, Jungjoon’s mind painted a picture of a far more comfortable life than now. But those benefits weren’t enough to outweigh the reluctance and burden weighing on one corner of his heart.
“Hmm… I’ll think about it first, okay?”
Jungjoon replied as if he’d consider it after some time. Continuing to refuse outright would only drag the conversation out.
“Alright then.”
Take your time thinking it over, Yoonhae said as he backed off. His demeanor was like that of a seasoned salesperson.
“…….”
Maybe it was because the conversation had drained what little energy he had left, but after sipping his cooled coffee, Jungjoon fell into a dazed, vacant state. An ambiguous feeling he couldn’t quite describe filled his head with disjointed thoughts.
“I’ll head out now.”
Hearing the voice, Jungjoon, who’d been holding his cup, jerked his head up. “Uh, uh…” he stammered, standing up after Yoonhae, who was already on his feet.
He was surprised Yoonhae was leaving so soon, but he didn’t show it. Given his physical condition and schedule, it was a relief he was leaving now.
“Take care of yourself. Make sure to go to the hospital.”
“Uh… yeah. I will. Thanks.”
Yoonhae seemed about to leave but stepped over to the sofa where Ian was. Bending down, he gently brushed the sleeping child’s hair.
“Don’t come out.”
Straightening up and turning around, he said it. Jungjoon replied with an “Okay,” dragging his tired body along to the entryway with him. As Yoonhae put on his shoes at the door, he glanced back one more time.
“The officetel offer’s open anytime, so feel free to call me whenever.”
Jungjoon looked up at him and nodded. His expression was hard to read—somewhere between a smile and a grimace. After that, the door opened and closed, followed by the sound of footsteps echoing down the hallway.
“…….”
Finally alone, Jungjoon slumped against the wall with a thud. Feeling a sharp neuralgia, he clutched his forehead with one hand.
“Haah….”
It felt like fatigue was plastered all over his body in patches. Just standing there was taxing, and thinking about the mountain of tasks ahead made his stomach churn.
It’ll all work out.
Like always, he told himself he’d get through this too. He chewed over that vague belief—or perhaps habitual self-assurance—repeating the resolve to himself.
There’s no way I’ll accept someone else’s help. I’ll get through it on my own, just like I always have. Even in the exhaustion that threatened to topple him any moment, he stubbornly clung to that mantra over and over.
⟡˖ ࣪
“Wow, it’s huge—!”
Ian shouted, dashing energetically down the hallway leading to the living room.
“Daddy, is this our house now—?!”
Jungjoon couldn’t easily answer the excited, bouncing child and only managed an awkward smile.
“Of course it is. It’s Ian’s house.”
Instead, it was Yoonhae beside him who readily replied. With a gentle smile, he scooped Ian up into his arms, and the child giggled, wrapping his arms around Yoonhae’s neck.
Holding Ian with a practiced ease, Yoonhae began walking around the house. The two of them explored every corner, touring all the rooms before stepping out onto the balcony off the living room. Seeing the expansive view, Ian let out exclamations and pointed eagerly.
“What’s that? A house? Uh, uh, that round thing over there—is it water? The sea?”
Each time Ian asked, Yoonhae looked in the same direction and answered. He responded patiently to the child’s repetitive chatter, appearing far more affectionate than Jungjoon, the actual father. Jungjoon watched the two of them from behind, looking like a close father-son pair.
“Come over here and look with us.”
Noticing Jungjoon hanging back, Yoonhae beckoned him with a glance.
“…Oh, yeah.”
Jungjoon, who’d been standing aside like a guest, finally stepped forward.
“Daddy, can the people over there see us?”
Ian asked, pointing at the distant apartments.
“Why? Does Ian want to see the people living there?”
When Jungjoon asked just in case, Ian nodded. It was a whimsical idea an adult couldn’t quite grasp.
“They’re too far away for us to see each other, Ian-ah.”
“Uh, uh, then… if Ian calls out, can they hear me?”
“Hmm… I don’t know.”
It was too far for sound to carry, but he gave a vague reply.
“Want to try calling out and see if they hear?”
It was Yoonhae, holding Ian, who made the absurd suggestion, and Ian nodded excitedly. After that, Yoonhae shouted first, and Ian followed with a loud greeting.
“Hello—!”
“Hello—!”
If it were Jungjoon, he’d have hurriedly stopped Ian even if the child wanted to do it.
“Should we try louder? Hello—!!”
It seemed loud enough to reach nearby units out on their balconies. But Jungjoon was the only one anxious—Yoonhae and Ian were having fun raising their voices.
The moment Jungjoon thought it was strange to see Ian shouting like that, a sudden wave of melancholy hit him. He remembered how sensitive he’d been to even slight noises while moving between apartments, and how Ian would shrink back each time.
“Should Ian eat now? Want Uncle to order jajangmyeon?”
“Yes—!”
Afterward, they all ate dinner together with the delivered food. Though the unpacking wasn’t fully done, thanks to the moving service, it wasn’t messy or chaotic.
Seeing Ian laugh more than usual and eat heartily, Jungjoon felt relieved. Ian’s sensitive nature often caused minor health issues with each move, but this time, he looked healthier than ever. Was it because he was happy to switch from the daycare he disliked? Or because he liked living in a spacious house? It was their first place with a terrace, so that made sense too.
For Jungjoon, this was also the easiest and most comfortable move he’d ever had. From start to finish, Yoonhae’s involvement ensured everything was handled smoothly. Even today, Yoonhae had been on-site directing things, allowing Jungjoon to care for Ian and complete the move with more ease than ever before. He hadn’t intended to rely on him for the small details too, but it all happened in the blink of an eye.
Would the Jungjoon from just two weeks ago have imagined things turning out like this?
Back then, he hadn’t the slightest intention of accepting help from anyone—especially not Yoonhae, whose help he’d wanted to avoid most of all.
But even as good fortune came, misfortune piled up in his already tough situation. As his body, afflicted with shingles, deteriorated daily, his mental strength crumbled endlessly.
In the end, he got into a minor fender bender while driving in his broken-down state. Then, two days in a row, he found his tires punctured in the parking lot, truly feeling his limits. On top of that, Ian fell and got hurt while staying with his in-laws, and issues with the aging house—leaks and a broken air conditioner—pushed him to a breaking point where his mind went blank, and he had no choice but to surrender.
Even after admitting he couldn’t handle it alone, he hesitated and hesitated before finally making the call.
‘I was waiting for you to say that, hyung.’
Yoonhae’s warm, welcoming voice eased Jungjoon’s rigid nerves. For the first time in his life, it felt like he had someone to lean on, and the sensation was strange. The relief that everything was resolved, the reassurance that he no longer had to struggle—it took a long time to fall asleep, still in disbelief even after those unfamiliar emotions passed.
“…Hey, thanks.”
After the meal, Jungjoon quietly thanked Yoonhae. Honestly, all the help felt so excessive that even a simple thank-you seemed shameless.
“I’ve only been receiving help, and now you’ve even brought a gift….”
Jungjoon glanced sideways at the gift Yoonhae had given him today under the pretext of a housewarming.
“Oh, speaking of which, we haven’t looked at it yet. Let’s check it out. See if you like it.”
“…Uh, sure, why not.”
Peeling off the fancy shopping bag and gift wrapping revealed the contents.
“Wow, this is cool…?”
It was an unexpected wall clock. Its sleek design starkly contrasted with the old one he’d been using, featuring a black cat silhouette in the center.
“I was actually thinking of replacing my old clock—it’s been over ten years. Thanks. Now I can hang a cool clock in this cool house.”
“Glad you like it.”
As Jungjoon looked around the living room to hang it right away, Yoonhae pointed to a spot on the accent wall. A nail was already there, suggesting a clock had hung there before.
“Is this about right?”
The clock was significantly larger than the previous one—maybe three or four times bigger. After positioning it on the wall and turning around, Yoonhae tilted his head.
“Hmm….”
Seeming unsatisfied, he stepped closer. As Jungjoon held the clock to adjust its alignment, Yoonhae reached out from behind, overlapping Jungjoon’s hands to tweak it slightly.
“Looks good now.”
A scent wafted from their touching bodies. The same cologne he’d smelled before. Even with the air conditioning on, the closeness felt warm. Jungjoon gently pushed him away without making it awkward.
“How’s Sungha doing? Come over with him next time. We’ll do a housewarming.”
“Oh, yeah, that’s a good idea. We could invite Sungha and make it a housewarming.”
“Sure. I’ll prepare some proper food that day. Something tasty and hearty.”
“No need to overdo it. We can just order something casual, so don’t stress about it.”
“…Okay.”
Jungjoon let out an awkward laugh. A memory had unexpectedly surfaced. He’d said something similar to his wife when she worried about their newlywed housewarming.
“I’ll come early that day to help out too.”
“Uh… really? You’re busy, so you don’t have to….”
“I want to do it, so what’s the problem?”
As the conversation went on, Jungjoon’s expression darkened. It reminded him of his newlywed days, when he was immersed in sweet dreams and thought only of caring for his wife.
Was it because moving to a nice house made him miss the simpler times? Maybe that’s why even small talk brought back those days, projecting his past self onto the present.
After cleaning up some leftover moving boxes post-dinner, night fell quickly. Exhausted from the lingering effects of shingles, Jungjoon sprawled on the sofa, drained.
“You look really tired?”
Yoonhae approached from behind and placed a hand on Jungjoon’s shoulder. As he quietly closed his eyes, letting Yoonhae knead his neck and shoulders, Jungjoon soon sat up.
“I’m fine. I should wash up now.”
“Want to hit the sauna together? Bring Ian too?”
“Uh… that’d be nice, but today’s too hectic….”
“Alright then. We’ll go another time.”
“So… what about you? If you’re tired, want to stay over?”
“Is that okay?”
It was a polite offer, so Jungjoon felt a flicker of unease. He rummaged through a drawer, keeping his expression neutral.
“Of course. Do whatever’s comfortable for you. I don’t mind.”
“Hmm, then… I’ll take you up on it for a night. Now that I think about driving, I’m kinda beat.”
“…Sure. Sleep well and head out in the morning.”
Was this Yoonhae’s house? Or his own? Chewing over that newfound question, Jungjoon grabbed some clothes and headed to the bathroom.
After washing up, he went to the master bedroom to find ointment. Standing in front of the full-length mirror, he lifted the hem of his shirt. He intended to apply it to the shingles on the center of his back. But as the door burst open, he yanked his shirt down in surprise.
“Oh. Sorry.”
It’s just a habit to open it like that…. Muttering an excuse, Yoonhae stepped inside.
“Were you putting on the ointment?”
“…Yeah.”
“Give it to me, I’ll apply it for you.”
“No, it’s fine. I’m used to doing it myself.”
When Jungjoon declined, Yoonhae handed the ointment back. Instead, he offered to hold the shirt, lifting Jungjoon’s tee.
“…….”
The odd scene of Jungjoon applying ointment while Yoonhae held his shirt reflected in the mirror.
“That must’ve hurt.”
Yoonhae remarked, looking at the affected area in the mirror.
“…It’s almost healed now, so….”
Finishing up, Jungjoon trailed off and quickly lowered his shirt.
“What’d you come in for?”
“Oh. Could I maybe borrow a charger?”
“Ah, hold on….”
Jungjoon dug through his bag, found a spare charger, and handed it over. After a “Thanks,” Yoonhae went to Ian before leaving. Bending down, he gazed at the sleeping child’s face for a few seconds, lightly touched his cheek, and left.
“Hoo….”
Once Yoonhae was gone, fatigue crashed over him. He wanted to sleep right then, but since his hair was still wet, he checked on Ian before grabbing the hairdryer and stepping out.
In the living room, Jungjoon dried his damp hair, then unplugged the dryer and set it aside. He packed travel-sized skincare, fresh underwear, a toothbrush set—essentials for an overnight stay.
The small room where Yoonhae was staying had its door closed. Jungjoon considered leaving the items by the door but changed his mind. Even as a tenant, he was technically the host now, and since he’d offered the stay, he felt obliged to check on the sleeping arrangements.
Knock, knock. After a few seconds, he opened the door.
“…….”
Holding the doorknob, Jungjoon froze on the spot. Yoonhae, sitting across the room, was completely naked.
Not even wearing underwear, he sat on a chair by the bed, looking at his phone. With one leg crossed over the other knee, his private area was fully exposed.
“Come in.”
There wasn’t a trace of embarrassment on his calm face. If anything, it was Jungjoon who was flustered, unable to find a safe place to look.
“…….”
The dark patch of pubic hair and what hung between it lingered in his vision even after he looked away. Its shape, size, and color imprinted vividly in his mind. Unable to hide his shock and discomfort, Jungjoon turned his head and spoke.
“Here, I brought some underwear and a toothbrush. I’ll leave them here, so use them as you like. Good night….”
He rushed his words and left the room. He heard Yoonhae call something after him, but he shut the door, pretending not to hear.
Fleeing to the room where Ian slept, he clicked the door shut, turned off the lights, and climbed into bed. Burrowing into the sleeping child and holding him tight, Ian whined as if annoyed.
Jungjoon pressed into Ian’s nape to calm his racing heart. Breathing in the soft scent, he tried to shake off the scene he’d just witnessed.
His jumbled thoughts kept stirring confusion. Why did it bother him so much? Was it even something worth being this shocked over?
In life, he’d occasionally seen others’ private parts. But it had never felt like this. Glimpses in bathhouses or restrooms—everyday accidents like that—never left him this shaken or repulsed.
Was it because he knew him? Maybe the bond from childhood made the “difference” feel more stark. The dissonance of seeing a fully grown man’s body, combined with a physiological aversion to another man’s form, could be part of it.
“Haah….”
It took longer than expected to settle his rattled nerves. Yoonhae’s presence in the next room disrupted his sleep for a while.
Maybe it was because they’d just moved in, but everything felt unfamiliar. It didn’t feel like Yoonhae was staying in their space—rather, it felt like they were the ones crashing at Yoonhae’s place. Though they were paying some amount to live here, the sense of imposition wouldn’t fade.
Was this really the right choice? Wasn’t there a better option?
He pushed away the nagging thoughts and hugged Ian tightly.
⟡˖ ࣪
Perhaps a person’s environment is everything.
That thought came to him just three weeks after moving in.
“Your face looks brighter lately. Doing something special?”
Riding the elevator with his boss, Jungjoon awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck at the comment.
“…Does it?”
“Yeah. You’ve always been known as a handsome guy, but you’re looking especially sharp these days.”
It was true that the chronic fatigue he’d carried was gone. Dropping Ian off at daycare took less time, giving him more morning sleep. Plus, he’d recently started going to the gym again.
“…Maybe it’s because I’ve picked up exercising again.”
“Oh, that explains it. Your complexion’s got some color. What kind?”
His boss’s curious gaze pinned him, asking for the secret. When Jungjoon said he’d been doing gym workouts, the boss’s eyes lit up before he recoiled. Grumbling that he couldn’t stand running indoors staring at walls, he insisted hiking was better.
The elevator soon reached the first floor. Before stepping out, his boss patted Jungjoon’s shoulder twice.
“You’ve really turned back the clock. You could remarry at this rate.”
Jungjoon stiffened, staring blankly at his boss’s retreating figure. The elevator doors closed, and a sinking sensation followed as it descended. Arriving at the underground parking lot, Jungjoon sighed, shaking his head to brush off the conversation.
After getting in the car, he paused before starting the engine. His face in the rearview mirror suddenly felt unfamiliar.
“…….”
The shadows under his eyes were gone, and his skin had a clearer glow. He undeniably looked healthier.
It made sense—his entire lifestyle had changed. Above all, the time saved from Ian’s daycare switch had reduced his mental strain and stress the most.
Ian had changed positively too. He’d quickly adapted to the new neighborhood and daycare, seeming happy every day. He loved strolling through nearby parks and reading picture books at the library.
Most of all, he enjoyed the cultural center’s activities and exhibits, something they hadn’t had before. He’d started joining a weekend separation class there, which gave Jungjoon a bit of free time to himself.
These days, he couldn’t help but think, So this kind of life exists too. He’d thought his old neighborhood was decent enough, but moving here highlighted the difference. With many young couples and families raising kids, the benefits and conveniences he and Ian could enjoy were leagues beyond what they’d had before. Having tasted it, going back felt unthinkable.
‘For starters, it’d definitely be way more convenient for you and Ian to live there.’
Yoonhae’s words when suggesting the move had been true.
At first, he’d doubted if moving was the right call, but as his and Ian’s lives stabilized, every daily action brought satisfaction and joy.
A person’s environment really is everything.