NFS 1.20

It was past 9 o’clock, and everyone must have started working as the building’s hallway was quiet. Fortunately, the bathroom was empty too. Joo Seung-ha entered a bathroom stall and locked the door. His inability to go straight back to the office wasn’t due to embarrassment. All sorts of stories about his family situation must have spread already, but he couldn’t care less. This wasn’t the first time he’d experienced this.

So what made Joo Seung-ha crouch down on the floor in the bathroom stall didn’t have to do with other people’s gazes. What he’d heard just now was the first mention of his biological father who was absent in his life. She had always said she didn’t know who his father was. How could she know whose child it was when she slept around so much back then?

Still, it seemed his mother instinctively knew who his father was. Well, he had no intention of finding his father now, so this wasn’t too important. He just disliked himself for clinging to his mother like a parasite and being born despite the pills.

Joo Seung-ha curled up like a ball and buried his head deep between his knees. Since he wasn’t sad, no tears came out of his eyes. Still, he couldn’t lift his head. He just desperately missed a certain touch. Long ago, when he would crouch and cry like this, there was someone who would endlessly stroke his back with a gentle touch. He achingly missed Seon’s touch.

Right at 6 p.m. closing time, a message came.

―Wait.

Joo Seung-ha stared down incredulously at the single word that seemed to carry Seo Ahn-jae’s voice with it. How do you know where I am to tell me to wait? Joo Seung-ha ignored it and packed up to leave his seat. Because of his mother’s visit this morning, it felt like everyone had been walking on eggshells around him all day, so he wanted to quickly leave.

The CEO surprisingly didn’t ask anything about this incident. Perhaps because of that, other employees didn’t show any reaction to Joo Seung-ha, but some had expressions that suggested they were itching with curiosity. Whether it was consideration, curiosity, or entertainment, Joo Seung-ha tried not to care.

“I’ll be heading out first.”

When he said goodbye, some responded with unusually loud voices and smiling faces. While slowly walking to the parking lot after leaving the office, he had momentarily forgotten Seo Ahn-jae’s message. Then, just as he reached the underground parking lot, his phone rang. Seeing Seo Ahn-jae’s name come up on the screen, ah, he remembered he’d said to wait for him. But to just say wait without any context, that was what truly annoyed him.

“Yes.”

[Come out to the convenience store in front of the building on the first floor.]

“…Our company building?”

Though Joo Seung-ha asked in surprise, the other party just said “Yes” and abruptly hung up. Looking at the call that just ended, Joo Seung-ha felt like the other man had returned to being the unlikeable Seo Ahn-jae from when they first reunited. He was still unlikeable now, but back then he was more unlikeable and easier to curse at. As if to prove it, a bewildered curse automatically left Joo Seung-ha’s lips.

“Fuck, what is this?”

Joo Seung-ha looked longingly at his car in the distance that would take him to his comfortable home, then turned around reluctantly. Going to the first floor, he saw Seo Ahn-jae’s car parked in front of the convenience store. Next to the car stood Seo Ahn-jae, tall enough to be noticeable even from a distance. Joo Seung-ha’s steps briefly slowed because Seo Ahn-jae was staring at him intently as if waiting for his approach. The other man was checking his smartphone and tablet right then as if even spare moments were precious. So Joo Seung-ha asked, “Why are you here?”

“Had business nearby. You drive.”

Seo Ahn-jae said lightly and opened the passenger door to get in. As Joo Seung-ha sat in the driver’s seat after walking around the car, he found this situation to be rather amusing. Seo Ahn-jae, who was fastening his seatbelt, uncannily noticed Joo Seung-ha’s amused look.

“What?”

About to say it was nothing, Joo Seung-ha just answered honestly instead. Somehow the other man becoming brusque made him easier to deal with. Ah, this point was amusing too.

“It’s funny that you’re like a customer who has their chauffeur bring their car.”

“Must be a customer trying to look good to you.”

Joo Seung-ha erased his smile and turned to look at him. Contrary to Joo Seung-ha’s serious expression, Seo Ahn-jae’s lips curved. His charming smile always made others smile too, and Seo Ahn-jae himself knew this influence well. So even his small smile showed confidence.

“Don’t be scared.”

“I’m not scared.”

“Then ignore it. It’s not the first or second time I’ve tried to mess with you, right?”

The reply that instantly lost all trace of humor and retained only coldness was truly the abrasive person from when they first reunited. Right, it wasn’t just once or twice. Joo Seung-ha inwardly thought about this as he fastened his seatbelt.

“Where to?”

When he asked while starting the car, Seo Ahn-jae reclined his seat and answered briefly, “Home.”

As if planning to sleep right then and there, he closed his eyes. Since this was a first, Joo Seung-ha glanced at him and asked lightly, “Are you tired?”

Seo Ahn-jae opened his eyes and looked at him silently. While driving, Joo Seung-ha added, “Don’t be scared.”

Though he didn’t hear his reply, Joo Seung-ha knew that Seo Ahn-jae smiled slightly as he closed his eyes again. Though he originally thought they’d returned to the beginning, why did he smile at even small remarks? Joo Seung-ha started to feel strange.

Joo Seung-ha’s phone rang just as they were nearing Seo Ahn-jae’s house. Thinking it might be about Cookie, Joo Seung-ha hesitated, but Seo Ahn-jae, who he thought was sleeping, commanded, “Answer it. It could be about Cookie.”

Joo Seung-ha glanced at Seo Ahn-jae, who still had his eyes closed, and grabbed his smartphone from the dashboard to quickly check the caller. But it was someone completely unexpected.

‘Landlady’

Why is she calling? Puzzled, he couldn’t answer right away. The call ended and immediately rang again.

“Isn’t your landlady as important as Cookie?”

Seo Ahn-jae said, straightening his seat and cracking his neck side to side.

“It’s fine. After I drop you off…”

“I’m awake. Answer it since it’s making the car noisy.”

The landlady’s calls continued, making Joo Seung-ha wonder if there was really a problem with the house. While Joo Seung-ha hesitated, Seo Ahn-jae put Joo Seung-ha’s smartphone on the mount and pressed the call button without asking for permission. Before Joo Seung-ha could say anything, the landlady’s loud voice rang out through the speakerphone.

[Is this the young man from 103?! Oh my, please come home quickly! I’m scared to death, really. Some gangsters came and are ransacking your place. Hurry!]

He had no intention of going home in Seo Ahn-jae’s car, much less with Seo Ahn-jae himself. But the landlady’s urgent voice and Seo Ahn-jae’s disinterested tone made him turn the wheel.

‘You can drop me off and drive your car back. Nothing to be scared of, right?’

Right, there was nothing to be scared of. If he could meet Seo Ahn-jae wearing clothes that smelled from working at the shelter, showing his shameful state to Seo Ahn-jae wasn’t something to worry about. However, after arriving at his house as dusk fell, he started to feel some regret.

Two police cars were parked in front of the villa, and neighborhood residents were all out whispering and watching the returning protagonist. Even Joo Seung-ha couldn’t stay calm in this situation. As the landlady said, Joo Seung-ha’s place was a mess, as if someone had picked the lock and entered with their boots on. According to witnesses, the intruders looked unmistakably like gangsters. Which was why the villa residents were trembling in fear.

“Do you have any idea who might have done this?”

Even at the police officer’s question, Joo Seung-ha just quietly looked around at his computer with its shattered monitor from being knocked over, the TV, the closet with its door torn off, and the kitchen items all pulled out from under the sink. What made the house even dirtier was that someone had taken the trouble to take the food out of the fridge and thrown it on the walls and floor. 

“Sir,” at the officer’s call, Joo Seung-ha finally turned to him.

“Yes, I do. But I don’t know exactly.”

“How do you know them? Is it debt or gambling?”

Probably debt. Maybe gambling too. His mother used to gather women to play hwatu before.

“My mother took on debt. So I think that’s why, but I don’t really know the details right now.”

The police looked at Joo Seung-ha with pity in their eyes, told him to contact them if he learned anything, and then left. As the police car lights that had brightly lit up the alley disappeared, the onlookers quickly dispersed. Only after Joo Seung-ha repeatedly apologized to the landlady, who stayed until the end offering up huge doses of worry and nagging, did she go up to her fourth-floor apartment.

And finally, it was quiet. Though the house was still a mess with nowhere to step, Joo Seung-ha felt peace had finally arrived. But he couldn’t enjoy this peace. It was already well after dark, and he realized he couldn’t rest here. Then someone grabbed his arm. Startled by the strong grip, Joo Seung-ha turned around and realized one person still remained.

Huh? He hasn’t left yet? While Joo Seung-ha thought blankly, Seo Ahn-jae pulled him outside without asking anything. When he finally came to his senses, they were in front of Seo Ahn-jae’s car. He positioned Joo Seung-ha in front of the passenger seat and opened the door. Though he didn’t say “Get in,” there was a slight push on his back. Joo Seung-ha stepped back as if suddenly coming to his senses.

“I’m fine. Just go.”

“Get in. You probably don’t want to be alone at this time.”

Joo Seung-ha looked up at him briefly with wavering eyes. Then, he suddenly realized something. Come to think of it, I didn’t properly finish being his driver today.

“Joo Seung-ha, I said get in.”

The command came again. There was no gentleness, rather it felt a bit angry, but that somehow felt like the maximum consideration he could show.

“No. Just go.”

Seo Ahn-jae stood askew looking down at him.

“I have no intention of comforting you. Don’t misunderstand and get in.”

Joo Seung-ha met the other man’s gaze and slowly shook his head.

“I don’t want to because I might misunderstand. Whether it’s comfort, sympathy, or consideration, I won’t accept it from others anymore.”

And I definitely won’t buy them either. He had no intention of ever forgetting the lesson he’d learned harshly seven years ago. Though the word “Seven years ago” didn’t leave Joo Seung-ha’s lips, Seo Ahn-jae’s eyes flashed with a fierce and dark light. Joo Seung-ha looked at him quietly then added, “So I’m not getting in.”

Joo Seung-ha turned without waiting for an answer. There was no hand stopping him now. No voice calling out as he entered his wrecked house. But he didn’t hear the car door close or the engine start either. Though he felt that man was still watching him from that spot on the street, Joo Seung-ha tried not to care. That was like pushing away the weakness of wanting to be comforted. He turned back to his ransacked room. Joo Seung-ha bent down and started cleaning up, beginning with the broken lamp pieces closest to him.

***

Though the heat subsided as the sun set, the smell already announced summer’s arrival. The remnants of daytime heat and humidity mixed with darkness entered his nostrils in a murky color. Seo Ahn-jae stood in front of a store, taking out a cigarette and rolling it between his fingers in a wave-like motion.

He took it out wanting a smoke, but was first captured by the faint summer smell. Every summer was the same:  hot, sweaty, and filled one with longing to quickly enter the air-conditioned indoors. But there was one particular hot, irritating summer that lingered in his mind.

Development time grew longer, investment funds ran dry, and even a mere million won felt desperate. Though there were 8 million won in a corner of his room, he couldn’t touch it. He should have been running around showing his handsome face to secure money, but for the first time in a long time, Seo Ahn-jae just didn’t want to do it.

Instead, he holed up focusing only on development. As a result, for the first time, his friends who were employees on paper had delayed salaries. Though everyone stayed quiet, the next month one friend couldn’t bear it anymore, had a huge fight with Seo Ahn-jae, and quit.

Seo Ahn-jae thought he just needed to endure this summer. Once the heat passed, there would be tangible results, and he could secure investment not just with his handsome face but with the upcoming results. But he needed one or two more months. Though his friends might help for a few more months, he needed money to hire external help.

Finally, Seo Ahn-jae brought money from somewhere, and surviving that heat, Million’s first game was released. Though everyone thought that Seo Ahn-jae succeeded without major hardship, these werestill difficult times. Seo Ahn-jae simply had no desire to display those hardships like trophies.

Getting to where he was now, every year, every month, sometimes every day was a crisis. So perhaps the money he secured seven years ago might have been trivial compared to those hardships. He still thought so. Even though that final money needed to complete development was borrowed by kneeling before his parents.

Though he had reached out to his parents several times before and vowed never to ask for help from them again, having to borrow money so pathetically again was worse than death at the time. Yet he chose to beg his parents with 8 million won sitting in a corner of his room.

He didn’t want to use that money. Because it was money received without cost. That money, thrown like spare change to a beggar, trampling his pride, was unusable currency to Seo Ahn-jae. Pride, was it really because of pride? Expressing those feelings with a single word seemed insufficient.

While waiting for contact from the owner of the money who had disappeared without a word, pride was clearly the whole reason. His reaching out again was as natural to Seo Ahn-jae as the changing of seasons. But soon after, he heard rumors that he had quit school.

Only then did Seo Ahn-jae finally realize this relationship was over. And it was the end of the love that Joo Seung-ha had spoken of until he was sick of it. That love pushed forward with money, gazes, and longing. Seo Ahn-jae absolutely didn’t want to mix with that supposedly extraordinary love that seemed able to endure anything.

However, only after everything disappeared, like a drain unplugged from a bathtub, did he realize he was standing there soaked in this one-sided love affair. At the time, he just felt foolish and ashamed. Though he was clearly the perpetrator in this relationship, he who remained alone had become the loser.

That summer wasn’t particularly hot but felt exceptionally long and suffocating. And now, the summer smell entering Seo Ahn-jae’s breath was exactly like seven years ago. That unpleasant humidity when he had to suppress anger daily, mixed with all sorts of indescribable emotions. The whirlpool of inexplicable emotions that had him clinging to development to keep from going crazy buzzed inside.

Seo Ahn-jae took a deep drag from the cigarette that had somehow reached his lips. Joo Seung-ha, whose house was ransacked, appeared outwardly calmer than anyone else there. But to Seo Ahn-jae’s eyes, he looked tired, bewildered, and about to break. That was why he wanted to take him away.

‘I’m not getting in.’

Though looking ready to collapse at any given moment, his rejection of Seo Ahn-jae was cement-solid. That damn bastard.

“Huu.”

White smoke was exhaled with Seo Ahn-jae’s breath. The premonition that he might fall into the worst summer like seven years ago put Seo Ahn-jae in a bad mood. Like a sneer reminding him that the only defeat he’d tasted in life still remained. Seo Ahn-jae took another deep drag of his cigarette trying to suppress his anger mixed with anxiety. Fuck, not this time.

“Sir, your order is ready.”

The employee came out specifically to where Seo Ahn-jae was standing and handed over the order in a bag. Seo Ahn-jae got in his car with it. Even if prey caught in a trap ran away dragging the trap, it was fine as long as it was still in sight. This is different from seven years ago. Seo Ahn-jae’s jaw tightened. Slowly, hiding the noose, slowly.