NFS 3.23

Though Joo Seung-ha finally raised his voice, his body took another step back. Anger was rising to the surface, but so was fear. Unlike the agitated Joo Seung-ha, Seo Ahn-jae maintained his usual calm face and composed voice. Yet Joo Seung-ha felt suffocated by the emotions radiating from him.

“After hearing you brag multiple times about how many people have made you cry, I can’t help but be suspicious.”

“Damn it, I still keep my promises.”

“Even in the future?”

Suddenly talking about the future now? Joo Seung-ha’s eyes narrowed.

“Of course, I will in the future too…”

“You shouldn’t make such naive statements when he might force himself on you and you’d end up crying from pleasure.”

Seo Ahn-jae’s mockery came with a slow, chilling voice. That coldness froze Joo Seung-ha’s agitation. Joo Seung-ha spoke through clenched teeth.

“If such an unavoidable situation comes, I’ll either lash out in rage or stab them to death, so stop worrying about my future, damn it.”

Seo Ahn-jae’s lips curved into a silent smile. At that moment, Joo Seung-ha clearly saw the cruelty spreading in his eyes.

“Why dirty your hands? When I’m here.”

Seo Ahn-jae said this and walked past Joo Seung-ha. His destination was unmistakably the front door. Only then did Joo Seung-ha notice he had changed back into his outdoor clothes. Before his mind could process the situation, his body moved first. When Joo Seung-ha urgently grabbed his arm, Seo Ahn-jae glanced down at Joo Seung-ha’s hand.

“Let go.”

His voice was ice-cold, as if addressing a stranger. Joo Seung-ha almost unconsciously released his grip but then tightened it instead.

“Where are you going? And give me back my phone.”

“Can’t you hear me saying let go?”

Joo Seung-ha’s hand trembled at the expressionless warning. But he still didn’t let go and repeated his question.

“I’m asking where you’re going.”

Seo Ahn-jae’s eyes darkened at the stubborn line of questioning.

“You heard me. I’m going to dirty my hands.”

“What, what does that mean? Surely you’re not saying you’re going to Team Leader Hong? Now? That’s absurd, why would…”

“Why is it absurd? He was quite willing to meet.”

Joo Seung-ha’s surprised eyes slowly widened.

“Meet…Did you call him?”

“Yes.”

“Ha, damn it. He’s from an important client company. What did you even talk about with him?”

“If he’s so important, ask that bastard yourself.”

“I’m asking you right now!”

Joo Seung-ha raised his voice again, unable to contain his frustration. His confused mind couldn’t understand Seo Ahn-jae’s reaction. Why was he acting like Joo Seung-ha had committed some grave wrong? What was so terrible about receiving a confession? Joo Seung-ha took a breath and lowered his voice.

“I’m not foolish enough to get personally involved with someone from a client company. Obviously, nothing happened, and nothing will happen.”

Joo Seung-ha tried to stay calm, but he felt uneasy as his words sounded like excuses. 

Nevertheless, all he could do was repeat the truth.

“Nothing happened. The message came suddenly today…Until then, I didn’t even know he had such thoughts.”

“Sunbae,” Joo Seung-ha called softly and looked up. Instead of answering, Seo Ahn-jae looked down at Joo Seung-ha’s hand again. His emotionless gaze, like looking at an object, was focused pointedly at his hand and he commanded, “How many times do I have to tell you to let go?”

Joo Seung-ha couldn’t hold onto him any longer. The chilling smile had disappeared from his eyes at some point. He wasn’t showing great anger, nor was he displaying jealousy. Unlike the emotional Joo Seung-ha, his voice remained consistently calm. But Joo Seung-ha instinctively knew that he was more furious and irrational than ever before.

The same question kept repeating in his mind. Why? Why over just a confession message? Seo Ahn-jae slowly raised his hand and forcefully removed Joo Seung-ha’s grip. Joo Seung-ha looked down at his own hand falling away from Seo Ahn-jae as if it belonged to someone else.

“…What are you planning to do when you meet him?”

He couldn’t look up at Seo Ahn-jae while asking. The continued silence, the suffocating quiet between them that he could only break by speaking, felt like a premonition of some sort. More precisely, he was scared that Seo Ahn-jae would do something terrible. He couldn’t shake the worry that he would crush the other person like an insect, without raising his voice once, just as he was now. Only when he heard Seo Ahn-jae moving toward the entrance did Joo Seung-ha raise his head as if coming to his senses.

“Don’t. Sunbae.”

Seo Ahn-jae ignored Joo Seung-ha’s words and put on his shoes. Joo Seung-ha felt as if his words were bouncing off Seo Ahn-jae’s broad back. His large frame seemed like an insurmountable wall, filling Joo Seung-ha with absolute dread.

“Don’t go, sunbae.”

This time the words came out barely above a whisper. They were so faint they seemed likely to fade in the air before even reaching the wall. But Joo Seung-ha saw Seo Ahn-jae turn around. With the entrance sensor light off, Seo Ahn-jae’s expression was hard to make out in the darkness.

“Why should I?”

The low, slow voice asked. Joo Seung-ha opened his mouth while resisting the urge to take a deep breath. His voice still came out as quiet as a breath.

“Because it’s nothing.”

There was no response. It seemed like he would turn back around again. More than the urgency to stop him before he did something rash, the hurt of not being trusted rose up more strongly. Joo Seung-ha squeezed his eyes shut and repeated.

“It’s nothing. Damn it, if I had felt even a flutter at that message, I wouldn’t feel this wronged. If I had felt even slightly happy or excited about that confession, this situation wouldn’t be so frustrating. But damn it, why am I holding onto a crazy sunbae…why am I…”

As he spoke, the sadness welled up. Though his voice trembled, there was no room for embarrassment. He really felt wronged and frustrated. Just as he was about to turn away in resignation, a hand grabbed his shoulder and long arms embraced him tightly. Joo Seung-ha shouted while thrashing as if he were having a fit, “Damn it, let go!”

But hot lips covered Joo Seung-ha’s cursing mouth. The shout of “Let go!” couldn’t escape past the insistent tongue and pressing lips. Joo Seung-ha pushed back with all his strength to break free, but this only made Seo Ahn-jae’s kiss even more persistent.

He grabbed Joo Seung-ha’s hair and followed wherever his head moved, crashing their lips together and sucking. Only when Joo Seung-ha, who had been fighting like a cornered animal, stopped resisting with heavy breaths did the forceful kiss change. As if saying he wouldn’t hurt Joo Seung-ha if only he would stop trying to escape, he gently rubbed his lips against Joo Seung-ha’s now still ones.

During the slow, gentle kisses, the heat of excitement began to cool down. Joo Seung-ha’s chest rose and fell deeply repeatedly. The soft sounds of kissing felt more like soothing touches than caresses. Slowly sucking on the plump lower lip, Seo Ahn-jae whispered his question, “Is it nothing?”

“…Yes.”

Joo Seung-ha murmured, turning his head away. His voice was small and tired from being out of breath trying to push him away. Seo Ahn-jae followed Joo Seung-ha’s turned face, gently overlapping their lips again.

“Then what about me?”

“…”

“Am I nothing too?”

When Joo Seung-ha couldn’t answer, Seo Ahn-jae’s lips left Joo Seung-ha’s and began showering gentle kisses all over his face.

“Joo Seung-ha, what about me? Hm?”

“…I don’t know.”

Joo Seung-ha repeated it once more internally. I really don’t know. Whether it was from exhaustion with the situation or because he truly couldn’t understand him anymore, he really didn’t know. He was just confused. Though Joo Seung-ha’s answer was ambiguous, Seo Ahn-jae’s hands stroked his back and waist strongly, pulling him close as if pleased.

“That’s okay. You don’t have to know.”

Seo Ahn-jae whispered while kissing him again.

“Just don’t say it’s nothing.”

His voice was soft but desperate and plaintive. Joo Seung-ha’s throat tightened at Seo Ahn-jae’s clearly exposed emotions. Ridiculously, now he felt tears coming from sheer relief.

***

There was never a peaceful day at the shelter with so many dogs. Everyone was especially careful about this since fights would often break out among the dogs, who followed their instincts. On Wednesday, Joo Seung-ha had planned to quickly visit clients and then go to the office to review his team members’ performance records that he’d been putting off. But he had to urgently redirect his car to the shelter after receiving an emergency call. A fight had broken out among dogs during yard exercise, and one was seriously injured.

When Joo Seung-ha arrived at the shelter, fortunately, they had found a volunteer driver and the injured dog had already been taken to the hospital. Though he’d received a message en route saying he didn’t need to come, Joo Seung-ha hadn’t changed his destination. And as soon as he arrived, he knew he’d made the right choice.

“How many times did I tell you! Bingsu has high aggression and needs to be sent to training! Why didn’t you take preventive measures?! This accident could have been completely prevented! What is this all about? My God, what about Jjajang, huh?!”

The one venting was Bong’s Mom, a shelter member who often raised complaints. She had apparently dropped by to deliver supplies and witnessed the situation. She was jumping up and down while crying, holding a towel stained red from stopping Jjajang’s bleeding.

“Jjajang’s neck was bitten. I don’t know how much blood he lost from the flesh being torn off! The poor thing was barking and growling with a voice that barely came out, trying to tell others not to touch him. Oh god, what do we do? I told you ages ago we needed to correct Bingsu’s behavior!”

Bong’s Mom was directing her anger at Jjang Nuna, who had rushed over in panic. She was hanging her head like a criminal, and Joo Seung-ha, who had just arrived, immediately stepped in front of her in the type of atmosphere where no one else dared to intervene.

“Don’t be unreasonable.”

At Joo Seung-ha’s low, firm voice, Bong’s Mom’s eyes widened.

“What part of what I’m saying is unreasonable?”

“No matter how careful we are in taking care of them, we can’t prevent every accident. How many dogs are we caring for right now? We have at most five volunteers on weekdays. It’s impossible to prevent all accidents with these numbers.”

“That’s why Bingsu should have been sent to training…”

“Training isn’t something that ends just because you take it. Even house dogs need their owners to be there every day, focusing only on them and constantly repeating the training for it to be effective. But here, we have no permanent staff, and volunteers change daily—who’s going to do the training? Even if someone could, during the short volunteer hours when we barely have time to clean and feed the dogs, who should have been exclusively assigned to take care of Bingsu? You know this. The shelter is overflowing with dogs that need training. Not just Bingsu.”

“Still, if we had sent him to training, he might have been somewhat corrected. At least Jjajang wouldn’t have been bitten.”

“That’s pure speculation. Don’t criticize based on what-ifs. No one here did anything wrong in this.”

When Joo Seung-ha warned firmly, Bong’s Mom pressed her lips together with a reddened face, then threw an aggrieved look at Jjang Nuna.

“Wasn’t this supposed to be a shelter run by its members? How am I supposed to volunteer at a place where no opinions are ever listened to? Is it just ‘shut up and come clean up dog poop,’ is that it?”

“Bong’s Mom…”

Jjang Nuna stepped forward in confusion, but Bong’s Mom turned and left while wiping her tears. Though one member quickly followed after her, concerned about her crying, Joo Seung-ha ignored it and instead looked worriedly at Jjang Nuna.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“How can I not worry? Bong’s Mom said that because she was upset too, why did you have to be so cold? She’s someone who always rushes over whenever we’re short on volunteers.”

Jjang Nuna spoke as if lamenting over this. Though it sounded like she was scolding Joo Seung-ha, he didn’t mind. He knew it was her way of venting to him, someone she was relatively close to. Sensing the fatigue in her voice, Joo Seung-ha apologized first.

“I’m sorry. I was wrong.”

“No. It’s my fault.”

She muttered and ran her hand over her face. Then she lifted her head as if coming to her senses.

“I’ll go to the hospital to check on Jjajang.”

“I’ll go with you. I’ll drive.”

Joo Seung-ha took her tired arm and glanced down at her as they headed to the car. Darae’s words from before came back to him again.

Jjang Nuna took this position sacrificing herself, but I’m scared she’ll quit if she keeps getting tired and facing difficult situations like this.

But seeing her exhausted and darkened face, Joo Seung-ha wanted to tell her. That it was okay to quit.

“Noona, here.”

Joo Seung-ha sat down next to Jjang Nuna on the bench, handing her the drink he bought. The small park near the animal hospital where they sat had a walking path along the stream, and despite the summer night’s heat, it was bustling with diligent Koreans out exercising.

“What’s this fancy drink?”

Jjang Nunas tired eyes widened in shock as she took the drink from Joo Seung-ha. But even when asked, Joo Seung-ha didn’t really know the drink’s name either. He had just asked for the most expensive one, and they gave him this colorful drink mixed with slush-like ice. The whipped cream and pretty decorations were an added bonus.

“It’s sweet and tasty. Drink it, it’s refreshing.”

Joo Seung-ha took a sip of his own drink through the straw. The moment he held the cold drink in his mouth, he froze. Isn’t this too sweet? As he grimaced involuntarily, he heard continuous slurping sounds beside him. One-third of Jjang Nuna’s drink disappeared in an instant. Then she muttered, “This is pretty good.”

Joo Seung-ha briefly stared at Jjang Nuna’s suddenly emptied cup.

“That’s good. At least your appetite is still alive.”

Jjang Nuna calmly replied while gazing into the distance, holding her cup.

“My appetite rarely dies.”

When Joo Seung-ha couldn’t help but smile, Jjang Nuna looked at him and smiled back.

“It’s fortunate that Jjajang wasn’t seriously injured. We can even smile like this.”

Joo Seung-ha glanced toward the animal hospital as he spoke. Contrary to what Bong’s mom had said, Jjajang’s neck injury wasn’t severe. Just slight bite marks. Rather, its ear had been bitten and bled a lot, requiring a few stitches, but everything else was fine.

“Yeah, it’s fortunate. When I heard flesh had been torn off, my hands were shaking.”

Joo Seung-ha let out an incredulous laugh at those words.

“The vet said just some fur was pulled out.”

“Bong’s mom must have been confused because blood was flowing down the neck.”

When Jjang Nuna defended Bong’s mom, Joo Seung-ha barely held back what else he wanted to say. After a moment of just drinking sounds, Jjang Nuna asked in a more relaxed tone of voice, “Life is full of unexpected things, isn’t it?”

Joo Seung-ha nodded his head. Yeah, all sorts of things happen. And whenever these incidents occur, you deeply realize how precious an uneventful daily life is. Jjang Nuna voiced exactly what Joo Seung-ha was thinking.