UPLB Ch 19
by soapaThe cramped bathroom, barely large enough to stand in with just one foot, always had patches of mold no matter how much attention was given to ventilation and cleaning. Lately, even that effort had been neglected, making it an even worse mess.
There was a man in the mirror. His hair was grown out shaggily, his body emaciated from skipping meals. At a glance, he looked gloomy and pathetic, standing there with a dark expression in the mirror.
A man. Undeniably a man. Had he ever hated his gender, his very existence, this much before? A few weeks ago, the words Choi Sungbin had said kept echoing in his head like a hallucination.
“Don’t mess around. I hate that kind of thing.”
“It’s disgusting and gross.”
If only he hadn’t been a man, he wouldn’t have turned away so helplessly in that moment. He wouldn’t have had to face those cold eyes or endure that contemptuous voice from behind.
He knew him. At least, he wasn’t someone who treated women that way. Even when Youngnan acted strangely, didn’t he at least pretend to be kind in her presence, act like he was there for her?
If only he hadn’t been a man, if he hadn’t been so tall, if he had looked just a bit prettier, would it have been okay?
As time passed, his memories began to distort strangely. Far from being idealized, they only worsened.
He knew he needed to regain his senses, but it wasn’t easy. He sat quietly in the dark house, ruminating over his thoughts. He became more isolated.
Why did he listen to Youngnan talk about Choi Sungbin? Why did he happen to see him by chance? Why did he check his SNS? Why did he go for a walk that day? He should have just ignored Choi Sungbin and reported him to the police.
Why had he acted that way? In the end, it was all his own stupidity. The arrow always pointed back at him. It was because he was foolish and pathetic.
There was no need to look at Youngnan strangely. Her anxiety and depression had transferred to him.
She might have seen even the tiniest possibility, but he didn’t even have that. Chasing after Choi Sungbin despite having no hope at all.
Were human emotions always this inefficient? Wasn’t it enough to just live calmly?
He knew it wasn’t Choi Sungbin’s fault. But he hated him. It was he who had supported a drunken Choi Sungbin, and it was he who had spoken sincerely to someone he met by chance.
Choi Sungbin simply didn’t remember.
But what if he was pretending not to remember? What if it was because he found it bothersome, or because it might become bothersome?
“…….”
He tried not to think strange thoughts. He covered his face with both hands, washed his face, and stepped outside. He knew he needed to pull himself together, but he didn’t know what he was doing.
He had only watched him from behind for a few months at most. It wasn’t some deep, unrequited love. There wasn’t any personal connection with him either. He had just been chasing after his traces alone.
The house was a mess with delivery trash and empty liquor bottles scattered around. He didn’t usually order delivery, but lately, even cooking felt like a hassle. When his stomach felt like it was sticking to his spine from hunger, he’d reluctantly poke around a delivery app.
The side dishes his mother had prepared were already moldy, shoved into the fridge, useless. A studio apartment’s fridge wasn’t exactly high-performance.
He stared quietly at the trash-strewn room. Starting tomorrow, he really needed to pull himself together. This couldn’t go on.
His mind understood, but putting it into action was hard. Tomorrow, tomorrow. He’d been resolving to start tomorrow for nearly two weeks now.
Choi Sungbin was already at training camp, probably not giving him a second thought, while he was here alone, wallowing.
Then, his phone notification lit up. Yang Juwon pushed aside the trash with his foot and sat on his bedding. At least he hadn’t left trash on the blankets, thankfully.
Groping through the darkness, he picked up his phone.
Juwon-ah, is it okay to call right now? My mom came by and got my phone. I’m free to talk until 4, so if it’s not too much trouble, give me a call.
It was a message from Youngnan, sent just five minutes ago. Her mother must have gone to visit her at the hospital. He hadn’t heard from her in a while, so he didn’t know how she was doing or what was going on. His own mental state wasn’t exactly strong enough to worry about her either.
He knew that calling her meant he’d have to visit her. He couldn’t contact her without that level of commitment.
Even so, Yang Juwon pressed the call button. His selfish desire outweighed his concern for her.
He wanted confirmation that he’d be okay.
📝
When people think of a locked ward, they usually imagine a dark, scary place like a prison, but this place wasn’t like that. It was just an ordinary hospital. There weren’t iron bars on every window as he’d expected—at least, not on the ones visible from the front—and the patients walking in the garden or meeting with visitors seemed surprisingly calm.
Youngnan was the same. She looked more or less like her old self. When he asked what she wanted, she asked for tteokbokki.
Knowing her favorite brand, he brought some, and as soon as they sat down, she focused on eating. She said hospital food was all the same and that she’d missed spicy flavors, devouring the food eagerly. Seeing her like this, she seemed better off now. She looked healthier than when she was eating tofu instead of rice or starving herself for a diet.
“If you want to eat something else, just tell me.”
“There’s nothing else I want besides tteokbokki. When you’re here, you really crave spicy food…”
“Eat slowly.”
Yang Juwon opened the lid of the drink they’d bought together. Youngnan ate a rice ball with sauce on her lips. Yang Juwon smiled faintly. At least she was eating well, which was a relief.
She had struggled so much for so long. He knew Youngnan was sensitive and prone to anxiety, but it hadn’t been debilitating. She’d been fine meeting with him without any major issues.
To begin with, he wasn’t the type to make others’ lives difficult. If anything, he was too calm, too ordinary—boring, if anything. That’s why Youngnan had been drawn to someone far more exciting than he could ever be. Her already sensitive temperament had been crushed under it.
It must have been her first time facing such turmoil. Still, seeing her doing well brought him some relief. It was a great comfort to him too.
“Juwon-ah.”
“Yeah.”
“What’ve you been up to lately?”
Youngnan, who had been sharing stories about the people she’d met at the hospital, tilted her head and asked. Yang Juwon met her gaze quietly, trying to discern the intent behind her question.
“It’s the break, so I’m just chilling. Why?”
“You look like you’ve lost weight.”
He had no words and brushed his hair back. He pressed his lips shut. He’d been skipping meals. When he did eat, it was just delivery food and alcohol.
Come to think of it, Youngnan had been like this too. She’d barely eaten, mostly drinking. What was it about Choi Sungbin?
At least Youngnan was doing better. He couldn’t even talk about Choi Sungbin to anyone. It was a secret he’d have to carry for life.
“Is something going on?”
“No, nothing. Probably just the summer.”
“No way you’re dieting. Is something really up?”
“There’s nothing. Don’t worry.”
Yang Juwon gave a light smile and shook his head. He didn’t want to show it. It wasn’t something he could talk about anyway.
How could he say he’d fallen for the guy who seduced Youngnan while watching him? It was something he’d kept silent about for months. He couldn’t ruin it just because he was struggling now.
Youngnan casually picked up a piece of tteok with her chopsticks and put it in her mouth, saying, “I’ve got something crazy to tell you. Last time my mom checked my phone, there was a message from Sungbin.”
He froze. Juwon flinched noticeably, his eyes trembling awkwardly before he shut them tightly and opened them again.
“…What did it say?”
“He said he just checked the messages now. That I seemed to be having a hard time and he hopes I’m doing well.”
“Oh…”
Choi Sungbin was lying. It was a lie. He’d seen all the messages Youngnan sent while drunk.
Juwon had seen with his own eyes the “1” read receipt disappear from the chat as the messages lingered, yet now Choi Sungbin was claiming he’d only just seen them. Did Youngnan really forget? No way she could have.
“I know it’s a lie. He probably wanted to clear things up before going to the military so he wouldn’t seem like a bad guy. I remember he saw everything. So don’t make that face. I’m not that naive anymore.”
Youngnan laughed openly. On the other hand, Juwon felt uneasy. Did she say anything else?
Was she testing him? Did Choi Sungbin remember him, know about him, and mention him to Youngnan?
Yang Juwon chewed his nails. He stared at her quietly, trying to gauge her intentions, and cautiously asked, “Did you… ever mention me to Choi Sungbin?”
“No, why would I? Why?”
“Nothing. Never mind.”
He tried his best to act nonchalant. Thankfully, she seemed to know nothing.
He was deeply caught up in it, but he didn’t want Youngnan to notice his feelings. It was embarrassing and felt improper. Besides, even if Choi Sungbin didn’t remember, hadn’t Juwon confessed to him while sober?
Youngnan, who had been watching him, finally put down her chopsticks.
“Can I talk a bit more about Sungbin?”
Yang Juwon avoided her gaze instead of answering. She was moving on, but he was still stuck. How did it come to this?
“When I think about it now, I wonder if I was crazy.”
“…”
“I know he’s seeing other people. But there was something about it. He’s the kind of guy who gets more charming when he’s with someone else. He made me feel like I could be the one to settle him down.
He’s a lonely guy. If he wasn’t, he’d be fine on his own. He wouldn’t go around looking for someone new every day. But he can’t be alone. And there are plenty of crazy women who want to fill that void.
Of course, I was one of them. The problem always starts with thinking you’re special. That you’re different. That you’re the one.”
Yang Juwon recalled the night he met Choi Sungbin. He hadn’t thought he was special.
Had he really not?
That late night, taking him to a motel. It would have been cleaner to just call the police. Did he have something to say to him? Did he want to feel relieved, or was he secretly hoping for something? So…
His thoughts wouldn’t stop. They kept gnawing at him, tormenting him. He’d never felt this much self-blame and regret in his life.
“Sungbin, you know, sometimes he pretended not to know me?”
His tangled thoughts snapped like a thread. Nothing was left.
He fixed his gaze on her words and asked back, “Pretended not to know?”
“When I was being clingy or when he could tell I wanted something, he’d ignore me and act like he didn’t know….”
“…”
“And when some time passed, he’d come back and be nice again. He kept repeating that. Thinking about it now, isn’t that infuriating?”
Yang Juwon kept ruminating. He’d vaguely thought it might be an act. At the time, he brushed it off because of the alcohol, but the next day, thinking back, it felt so disgusting… or maybe because it might become bothersome. So he might have pretended.
To avoid creating trouble in the first place.
He didn’t even seem that drunk to begin with. He was lying on the grass, but afterward, he drank water and conversed well. There was no slurring or rambling.
Could it have been a lie? Or was Juwon rationalizing again? Yang Juwon gave a small laugh.
Why would Choi Sungbin lie to him? To him, Juwon was practically nonexistent. Less than a passerby.
“I should’ve met someone similar, but I expected too much from him. If you don’t expect anything, there’s no problem. I liked him because he seemed free. But that, thinking he was a good guy…”
“Do you think he’s a good guy?”
Without realizing, he cut off Youngnan’s words.
Yang Juwon rubbed the wooden table with his finger, then clenched his fist. Maybe she got so tired of his behavior that she cut off contact. But why did he read every message, give them meaning, and leave a final message wishing her well?
If he was going to cut it off, why not do it cleanly? Why toy with someone’s hopes?
Choi Sungbin isn’t a good person. Not even a decent one. Didn’t Juwon know that from the start?
From the moment Youngnan broke up with him, he knew Choi Sungbin was a bad guy who stole other people’s partners.
But like a siren luring sailors with a beautiful voice, once Juwon had fallen, he couldn’t see anything else.
Youngnan, wide-eyed, bit her lip and let it go.
“Juwon-ah, I’m okay. Why are you making that face?”
Yang Juwon, startled, grabbed his jaw. He didn’t know what expression he was making, but he knew it wasn’t just because of Youngnan.
The moment you think you’re special, all the problems begin.
He thought he understood what she meant.
If he’d fallen for someone else, it wouldn’t have been this hard. Choi Sungbin was so special that it made even Juwon feel special. That’s how all the tragedy began.
He shouldn’t have met Choi Sungbin. His mind understood clearly. He didn’t need to skip meals, live on alcohol, waste away to skin and bones, or hide in a corner obsessing over every word he’d said.
He could have lived well. He could have…
His stomach churned, and he stood up. He took a deep breath. Feeling like hyperventilation was coming, he frantically covered his mouth.
He wanted to forget Choi Sungbin. Could he move on? He didn’t know.
“…Juwon-ah!”
Startled, Youngnan raised her voice. Coming to his senses, Yang Juwon looked down at her with hollow eyes.
Why did you make me look at Choi Sungbin? If you were going to suffer, why suffer alone? Why did you drag me into explaining what kind of guy he is?
…I need to go home. If this kept up, he might say something unkind to Youngnan.
He slumped back into his seat.
“What’s wrong with you?”
“I’m just mad about how much you suffered because of Choi Sungbin.”
It was a lie to deflect the situation.
His chest felt tight. He wanted to cry. There was no reason to suffer this much over one guy.
It was an excuse he could brush off since they’d been together. He placed his hand over Youngnan’s, which rested on the table. Her small hand overlapped his. He curled his fingers to hold hers.
“I don’t think Choi Sungbin is a good person. Not kind either.”
“What do you mean?”
“Just what I said. It’s not about thinking you’re special—he makes you feel that way. He probably sweet-talked you. That night, he acted like you were the only one. Saying he’s lonely, asking to be comforted. How could anyone not fall for that? But why pretend not to know, call it disgusting…”
He felt pathetic for confessing his true feelings to him.
But that night, anyone would have said the same. Even without feelings, they could act like they were in love.
Yang Juwon’s expression twisted as he continued. Why did these feelings only bring him pain? Choi Sungbin would live well his whole life.
He knew it wasn’t his fault, but he couldn’t bear it without making excuses. He wanted to see him in love.
Yang Juwon closed his eyes tightly. He hated a man who didn’t even know he existed. Hated him… and loved him.
Why was he so foolish? He didn’t want much. Just once, he wanted Choi Sungbin to acknowledge his existence.
He’d probably never forget Choi Sungbin. The man who shook up his calm life, a man who didn’t even know him, he’d foolishly keep loving.
Was he his first love or something?
Oh. Yang Juwon, who had been rambling, belatedly looked up. His body felt heavy, like he was drunk. A flustered Youngnan moved her lips.
“Sungbin never said anything was disgusting to me. What are you talking about?”
“…”
“You’re acting weird, Juwon-ah.”
Yang Juwon blinked blankly. If only Choi Sungbin would look at him just once. Then everything would be okay. The foolish obsession would fade away.
Youngnan seemed to be getting better, so why was he like this? Was it because he was foolish too?
His strength drained from his body.
📝
Yang Juwon looked down at a soundly sleeping Choi Sungbin. In the darkness, with only shallow breaths, he seemed unusually docile compared to his usual self.
Looking back now, it was all crazy thoughts. Taking a leave of absence without knowing when Choi Sungbin, who was in the military, would return to school. Things were actually okay while working at the factory.
Living a repetitive daily routine felt oddly comforting. At least while working, he didn’t think about Choi Sungbin. But when the weekend came, it started again.
Back then, he shouldn’t have been alone. Being alone made him isolated, trapped in strange delusions.
Choi Sungbin was the same even in the military. His SNS was steadily filled with posts tagged by women. Even with his hair cut short or a cap pulled low, in photos and short videos of people he met on leave, he still shone. Juwon couldn’t stop stalking his SNS.
Choi Sungbin no longer let him sleep on a separate blanket. He insisted on sleeping side by side. Living at his place, waiting up until Juwon finished his weekend part-time job to sleep together.
At least that meant he was getting comfortable, right? Familiar.
Yang Juwon pressed his finger against his cheek. The desire to be someone precious to him was still alive. But something had changed. The flame was still there. It wasn’t raging, but it was still burning.
He liked that Choi Sungbin showed a different side only to him. His honesty, shown only to Juwon, fueled the fire.
“…”
Pressing his cheek, Choi Sungbin’s closed eyes slowly opened. Long eyelashes fluttered as they settled. His sparkling eyes lit up the darkness.
Yet he still looked lonely.
That unique air of loneliness drew people to him. Anyone who saw the void wanted to fill it.
Swallowing dryly from tension, Juwon was about to pull his hand away, expecting a scolding for touching him while he slept. But the man grabbed his hand and placed it back on his cheek.
“Touch me more.”
His voice cracked, heavy with sleep.
Yang Juwon, as usual, placed his hand on his cheek and gently rubbed it with his thumb. He hated and resented Choi Sungbin. He wished he’d fall apart, like Youngnan did, like he did, like the countless others who crossed his path.
Choi Sungbin already knew he existed. Just once, he wanted him to look at him. Then he could leave without regrets. But now, he wasn’t sure. …He just wanted to stay by his side.
Maybe it was all rationalization, an excuse. Even when he took a leave of absence, returned to school, and faced him again, or visited a bar he rarely went to and met Choi Sungbin, or poured out his feelings and got close to him.
It might have been compensation for the past. Using revenge as an excuse to burn to ashes. Two years ago, he couldn’t do anything, but now he was enduring it all for that past self.
“Choi Sungbin.”
He was on the verge of falling back asleep, but he let out a long breath and opened his eyes.
“Yes.”
A low, subdued voice came from close by. His lips lightly pressed together. His full lips softly touched and then pulled away.
Even without being drunk, they kissed. In fact, he was the one who approached first. They exchanged breaths and touched each other’s bodies. It was different from before, when it felt disgusting, contemptuous, and he wouldn’t even look at him, merely satisfying a need for release.
He didn’t know what kind of change this was, but today, he especially wanted to ask.
What do you think of me?
But in the end, he couldn’t ask. Whatever answer came, it would be frightening. Yang Juwon swallowed the question lingering in his mouth. Instead, he just carefully caressed his cheek.
“Good night.”
“…….”
“…….”
“…Good night, sunbae.”
📝
The job assigned for on-campus work was at the library’s reference desk. During the break, the number of students visiting the library plummeted, so aside from organizing books and running minor errands, there wasn’t much to do.
It might have been better to be busy. Time dragged on, and it was boring. Yang Juwon twisted his body lightly, stretching.
The clothes weren’t his usual ones, so they felt awkward. They say clothes make the man, but some wings only fit certain people.
This kind of thing suited sophisticated people like Choi Sungbin, not him. If Choi Sungbin hadn’t forced him to change that morning, he would’ve come in his usual attire. In his words, shabby and beggar-like clothes.
“Mr. Juwon, do you live near campus?”
“Yes. Near the College of Social Sciences.”
“Oh. A lot of my friends live there too.”
“Ah, yes.”
“Do your friends come over often?”
“No. I don’t have friends, so they don’t come.”
He had started to get a bit more comfortable talking with the student sharing the reference desk. Her name was Hayoung, a freshman who had retaken the entrance exam, and she was 21 years old.
Seeing each other at the same time every day, they exchanged awkward greetings at first, but after about a week, they naturally started having conversations. She had a bright and lively personality. She spoke to him without making it awkward, even though he was openly shy.
Hayoung must have thought his words were a joke, as she covered her mouth and laughed softly. The steady sound of her laughter made Yang Juwon lower the corners of his mouth. It wasn’t a joke.
“I want to live near campus too. Where I live now, I have to take the subway for a bit. It’s nice that I don’t have to transfer, but still, living with my younger sibling means we fight every time we move. We’re both trying to get a bit closer.”
“Oh.”
“Living with my sibling is such a hassle. We fight every day.”
At her grumbling tone, Yang Juwon gave a faint smile. Hayoung always complained, but she seemed pretty close with her sibling. She mentioned her sibling at least once or twice a day.
Yang Juwon briefly considered contacting his younger sister but decided to hold off since their father’s birthday was coming up. His sister, still in high school, wasn’t particularly affectionate with him, but they never fought either. Their age gap meant their lives didn’t overlap much. They still kept in touch occasionally, but it was true that he’d been neglecting his family while involved with Choi Sungbin.
On-campus work was definitely easier than any other part-time job. Aside from the boredom, he could spend time under cool air conditioning. Even chatting with Hayoung didn’t make the time pass. If he had been at the checkout counter, he might have at least interacted with people, but not here.
Tucked away in a corner of the reference room, they studied, chatted quietly, or organized books to pass the dull time.
‘Did he eat lunch?’
In the end, his thoughts circled back to Choi Sungbin. Lunchtime had long passed, but he might not have eaten. He hated eating alone, so he often skipped meals. He’d rather eat out than in that dark room, he said.
If he were at home, they’d eat together somehow, but during the break, with Juwon working even on weekdays, it got tricky.
Yang Juwon finally pulled out his phone.
Their conversations were displayed in the messenger window. They were more frequent than before, but still not very substantial. The messages Choi Sungbin sent were simple.
I’m hungry.
I’m sleepy.
I’m bored.
When are you coming?
Come quickly.
Looking at it, it was nothing but childish whining. Scrolling through the chat, he let out a small laugh. Whining, huh? It didn’t seem to suit him, yet it did.
Did you eat… He was about to type when Hayoung spoke up.
“Mr. Juwon.”
“Yes.”
“It looks like there’s something in your hair. Can I take it off?”
Yang Juwon touched his head first. Flustered, he rummaged through his hair, feeling around. There was nothing but his hair that felt out of place.
“No, not there.”
Hayoung raised her hand in the air, looking sympathetic. He had no choice but to lower his head.
Hayoung was petite, even for a woman. The fingers carefully touching his head were at least two knuckles smaller than his. As he stayed still with his head bowed, their eyes met.
She wasn’t actually removing anything, just staring at him. Yang Juwon slightly turned his head. Only then did her hand carefully touch him.
She picked off a piece of paper the size of her pinky nail.
“…This was stuck there.”
“Paper?”
“Yes.”
“How did that get there?”
“Well, yeah?”
Her tone was awkward. Yang Juwon, feeling unnecessarily embarrassed, touched his head again. Maybe it happened while running errands. He’d been emptying the paper shredder today, so it might have stuck then.
“I’ll throw it away. Give it to me.”
It felt weird asking her to throw away something from his head, so he held out his hand. Hayoung placed the piece of paper in his palm. Her round fingertip brushed against him.
With her hand so close, it looked even smaller. He understood why Choi Sungbin teased him. He must have always faced such small, delicate hands.
“Your hand is really small.”
“Oh. I hear that a lot.”
Hayoung clasped her hands together. Yang Juwon rubbed the spot where her fingertip had touched. He crumpled the paper and tossed it into the trash bin at his desk.
Hayoung busily organized something at her spot. Then she suddenly looked up.
“Do you need anything?”
At the woman’s question, he shifted his gaze. As soon as he saw who it was, he caught his voice.
“Uh…”
It was Choi Sungbin. Seeing him standing there with a sullen face, Juwon’s first feeling was relief rather than wondering why he looked like that. Did he come on purpose? There were still two hours left until he was done.
As they locked eyes, Juwon read his expression a beat late. His gaze was sharp. He was glaring fiercely.
Yang Juwon’s eyes darted, meeting Hayoung’s, who was also gauging the situation. Her eyes seemed to ask what was going on.
He tried to smile awkwardly.
“…”
Choi Sungbin shoved the book he was holding toward the counter. The corner of the book hit Juwon’s chest. It wasn’t hard, but the impact made him gasp.
“Oh.”
Yang Juwon let out a short groan. Choi Sungbin’s eyes widened briefly in surprise but quickly returned to his usual expression. No, it got even fiercer.
What was he doing? Unable to process the situation, Juwon placed a hand on his chest. The sound came, but there was no lingering pain.
Even as Juwon grimaced, Choi Sungbin glared harder before turning and walking away. There was no reason for him to act like this toward him. But Juwon couldn’t figure out why he was upset either.
“Is he your friend?”
“Oh, yes. Hold on a sec.”
Caught off guard by the sudden situation, Yang Juwon stood up and chased after him. Choi Sungbin had already gone down the stairs and was leaving the building.
Yang Juwon quickly walked over and grabbed his arm.
“Choi Sungbin.”
“…”
Seeing his openly irritated expression, Juwon realized something was wrong. He didn’t know why, but something was definitely off. Yang Juwon held his ground. Choi Sungbin deliberately narrowed his eyes.
“Are we talking here?”
He shifted his cold gaze toward the library entrance. Juwon didn’t mind talking there, but as he stood frozen, Choi Sungbin shook off his arm in annoyance and moved to the space beside the library.
So he wasn’t asking to talk there but to move somewhere else. Realizing this, Yang Juwon hurriedly followed.
“…”
“…”
Silence was all there was. The cicadas chirped loudly. The high humidity and heat hit him all at once. Sweat beaded on his back. It wasn’t just because of the heat.
Cautiously, he asked, “When did you get here? You could’ve told me you were coming.”
“Why? Did I come somewhere I shouldn’t have?”
The confrontational tone came right back. Oh no. This was bad. Juwon didn’t know what to do in moments like this. At a loss for words, Yang Juwon picked at his nails.
Standing with his legs crossed, Choi Sungbin asked in a cold voice, “Doesn’t seem like you’re happy to see me, sunbae.”
“No, I came out because I was happy to see you. I was just about to text you to ask if you ate.”
“Anyone can say that. You’ve been at work for hours, and you were just now going to text? It’s almost four, and it just happens to be when I showed up?”
“…”
“And did I come somewhere I shouldn’t have? I pay tuition. You don’t, sunbae.”
“…Is something upsetting you?”
He finally asked. Maybe he was just venting. That might be better.
If Juwon was the reason for his irritation, there was no cause. They were fine that morning. Choi Sungbin had told him to change clothes, and though he teased him a bit, it wasn’t enough to get this upset.
Before leaving, he’d held Juwon at the door, kissing him. Juwon couldn’t fully reciprocate, just clenching and unclenching his fist, but later he eagerly moved his lips too. He even sucked on the tongue that pushed in.
So, he really didn’t get it. Why was he suddenly picking a fight? And whether intentional or not, Juwon was the one who got hit in the chest.
“Look. You’re doing it again. It’s no big deal to you, right, sunbae?”
“Are you upset with me about something?”
Choi Sungbin bit his lip hard. Looking at his face, Juwon felt his strength drain. Why did he look more hurt?
Choi Sungbin was the one getting angry. Juwon didn’t even know why.
Or was he picking a fight to break up? They’d been getting along. He was fickle, sure, but still.
Yang Juwon dropped his head and lifted it again. It was hot. It was stifling. He didn’t want to fight with Choi Sungbin.
“I’m sorry.”
“What are you sorry for?”
“Huh?”
“What are you sorry for that you’re apologizing? You’re not just trying to brush this off, are you?”
“…”
“Or is this some role-play? I get a bit annoyed, and you apologize to play the fool?”
Yang Juwon couldn’t close his mouth. Choi Sungbin was strangling him with his words. Even apologizing got him attacked. He’d sometimes wished he’d just get angry, but now that it was happening, it wasn’t what he wanted.
He stared at him quietly. He understood what it meant to be grilled. The chest hit felt better in comparison.
“…Can’t you tell me why you’re angry?”
“You don’t know, huh? And you just apologized anyway?”
Back to square one.
Yang Juwon closed his eyes tightly and opened them. A sigh slipped out involuntarily.
He’d been happy to see him at first.
“Ha…”
“Did you just sigh?”
“…”
“That’s all it means to you, huh, sunbae. Go do your thing. Don’t mind me.”
“Why are you acting like this, really…”
He reached out but froze in midair.
“I shouldn’t have come to see you, sunbae. Just ruined my mood. I’m going home.”
“You’re going home?”
“No. My home.”
Startled, Juwon grabbed his arm. For a moment, it looked like sparks flew from his eyes. The man, about to snap, pursed his lips and swallowed his anger.
It was a confusing situation, but Juwon knew he couldn’t let him leave like this.
“Choi Sungbin.”
“What.”
“Just stay here.”
“Huh?”
“I’m done in two hours, so wait a bit. Let’s eat dinner together and talk then. I’m working right now.”
Choi Sungbin pushed his cheek with his tongue. He let out a hollow laugh, looking incredulous. Juwon thought he’d been pretty serious in holding him back, but as expected, it didn’t work.
“Why should I wait for someone like you, sunbae?”
Shaking off his arm, he turned back the way he came. Left alone, Yang Juwon let out a sigh and covered his face with both hands.
He’d been acting strange lately, but they’d been getting along, hadn’t they? Really… why was this so hard?
📝
After finishing work, Yang Juwon paused while coming down the stairs. He thought he’d seen wrong.
Choi Sungbin was sitting on a sofa in the library lobby, where the stairs were in full view. His arms were tightly crossed, legs crossed too, with the same expression from two hours ago.
‘What’s this?’
Didn’t he say he was going home? Was he waiting for someone else? That didn’t seem likely.
Regardless of his expression, it was a relief. If Choi Sungbin had really gone home, Juwon would’ve had no options. He didn’t know his exact address, so he’d have to wait for contact.
Yang Juwon said goodbye to Hayoung, who was coming down with him.
“I’ll head out first.”
“Okay. See you tomorrow.”
He hurriedly descended the stairs. Choi Sungbin stood up only after seeing him approach. He must have been waiting.
If it was the usual Choi Sungbin, he would’ve left. He wouldn’t have come to the library in the first place. Yet he came for Juwon and even waited, using up his time.
It felt strange. When he was angry, it felt suffocating, but seeing him waiting at the entrance stirred indescribable emotions.
Choi Sungbin waited for him. Even though he was angry. He was waiting.
Why? Yang Juwon tried to figure out the reason, but it wasn’t easy.
Choi Sungbin was just so hard to read. His thoughts were nearly impossible to discern.
“Have you been waiting long?”
As he approached and asked, Choi Sungbin stiffened awkwardly. He took a slight step back. Oh, was that too friendly?
“You came down together?”
Choi Sungbin glanced at Hayoung, who was walking away after a nod, and asked. It was weird to leave alone when they finished together.
“Yeah. We finished at the same time.”
“She’s a girl, huh.”
With no response to give, Juwon stayed silent. Choi Sungbin pointlessly tapped his foot. Juwon’s gaze naturally dropped.
Come to think of it, even his shoes were the ones they’d bought together. Juwon had offered to pay, but Choi Sungbin added more money. He’d never seen him wear them, but he was wearing them today.
Uh… Letting out a short exclamation while looking at the shoes, Choi Sungbin lifted the sole slightly.
“You bought these for me.”
Can I say I bought them? He ended up paying more.
“You like it when I wear the shoes you got me, sunbae?”
“You paid for them.”
“…I asked if you like it.”
“Yeah.”
He nodded in response. Looking up, Choi Sungbin stood there with a somewhat grumpy expression. Was he still that angry? He waited and was talking decently, so Juwon thought he’d calmed down a bit.
“Then treat me well.”
Choi Sungbin shot back in a sulky tone.
How much better could he treat him? He knew better than to say that. Instead, he naturally led him along.
“I’ll buy you something tasty. Let’s go.”
📝
Ugh, I want to break up.
Choi Sungbin, with his arms crossed, looked down at the table. He said he’d buy something tasty, but they ended up at a kimchi stew place.