CHDY 5

“…Are there any?”

The edge of the voice pierced his ear. Jaeon, who had been spacing out, opened his eyes wide.

“Yes?”

“I’m asking if you have any towels here.”

The hardened face of the customer belatedly came into view.

“Ah, ah, no. We don’t have any towels right now.”

As soon as he answered in a shrunken voice, the customer frowned. Why can’t he get his act together, the muttered words dug into Jaeon’s ear. Even after the customer left, Jaeon remained dazed for a while. He stared at the closed door like a person who was at a loss for what to do.

“……”

After letting out a dry breath, he felt a slight dizziness. He touched his forehead just in case, and it was hotter than usual. His body also felt a bit heavy. Did I catch a cold? Jaeon regretted not turning on the electric blanket when he went to sleep yesterday and stepped out from behind the counter.

After he finished cleaning, he felt hungry. He had skipped breakfast that day because he had overslept. He had eaten a cup ramen and a triangle kimbap a few hours ago, but it seemed it wasn’t enough.

Even if he could endure the hunger, the cold symptoms were a problem. If the symptoms were to worsen and interfere with his work, that would be a really big problem.

“You don’t look well.”

The man came at his usual visiting time. After a light greeting and payment, he spoke to Jaeon. He was wearing a worried expression.

“I have a bit of a fever.”

Jaeon replied, avoiding the man’s eyes. The situation of someone else observing and commenting on his complexion was quite awkward. The man’s act of staring at him intently made him feel somehow unbearable.

“You shouldn’t be sick.”

And words like this, too.

“Rest well when you get home.”

It was all unfamiliar to Jaeon.

“……Yes.”

Should I say thank you? After hesitating, he said goodbye as usual.

“Get home safely.”

“Yes. Take good care of yourself.”

As expected, the man left a kind word until the very end. Left alone, Jaeon awkwardly swept a hand through his hair. He looked at his face in the mirror. Do I look that sick? he thought, checking both sides of his face. His cheeks were gaunt and his complexion was pale. All he could think was that it was the same dull and lifeless face as always.

Customers continuously flocked in, so there was no time to rest. During a brief lull, Jaeon checked his phone, and his expression darkened. He had texted his mom in the morning, but a reply still hadn’t arrived. Unable to focus on work, he briefly stepped outside to try calling. The call connected only after a long series of rings.

“Mom, are you okay? Why didn’t you reply to my text?”

—Sorry, I meant to reply but I forgot and fell asleep.

“……. Are you tired? Are you feeling okay?”

—I’m just feeling a bit drowsy.

His mom would often get sleepy when her immune system was low. Knowing this, Jaeon’s face hardened seriously.

“You shouldn’t be sick……”

Even though he wanted to talk more, he couldn’t be away from his post for long. He ended the call after telling her to eat well and to contact him immediately if she felt sick. He hurried back to the counter.

“Haah……”

Even standing at the counter, his chest felt tight. It felt like there was a lump, so he rubbed the center of it. ……You shouldn’t be sick. As he repeatedly muttered this, Jaeon suddenly blinked.

He had thought it sounded familiar, and it turned out to be the very words he had heard just a moment ago. He realized he had said the exact same thing the man had said to him, to his mom. A faint smile escaped from his lips that had turned stiff.

“……”

Instead of the worry that had been darkening like storm clouds, the man’s face came to mind. It wasn’t to the same degree, but it felt like proof that his words contained a certain amount of ‘sincerity,’ and Jaeon felt a strange sensation.

Something warm stayed in his stomach for a short while and then disappeared. He felt a small, trivial joy. It felt as if everything was pressing down on him, but still to a manageable extent.

However, after he finished cleaning, another problem arose. The hunger that had started in the afternoon had become so strong that it was hard to bear. Chewing gum and drinking water didn’t help; in fact, it only got worse.

He felt dizzy every time he moved, and his limbs felt weak. The pace of his work also slowed down noticeably. He knew that eating something would make it better, but since it was the end of the month, he couldn’t spend even a small amount of money carelessly.

After scanning the expired bread and lunch boxes for disposal, a strong temptation came over him for the first time. He couldn’t take his eyes off the discarded lunch box. Even when he went to put it in the storage room, Jaeon repeatedly reached for it and pulled his hand back.

At the convenience store where he used to work, they let him eat the expired food, which saved him a lot on food expenses. The owner here didn’t allow it, so he couldn’t eat them, but it seemed there were occasional cases where they were allowed. It was something he had learned from another part-timer during a shift change.

Maybe he’ll let me if I ask. Hesitating on one hand, Jaeon mustered up the courage and tried to call. But the call didn’t connect, and it was the same when he tried again a little later. He thought about sending a text but soon gave up. The manager usually wouldn’t read texts for over a day.

He held on and waited for a while longer. Because of the dizziness, his body would slump over whenever a customer left. Deciding he couldn’t go on like this, he paid for a chocolate bar. He squatted down under the counter and hurriedly shoved it into his mouth. He thought it was finally subsiding, but his stomach, having received food, cried out for more. Unable to bear the intensified hunger, he eventually opened the lunch box.

It was in the far corner of the counter, a spot the CCTV couldn’t see. With his back to the shelves, Jaeon began to eat the lunch box hastily. Wondering when a customer might come in, he kept glancing at the door while diligently pushing rice into his mouth.

He had devoured more than half of it, as if inhaling it. The glass door opened and the manager walked in. Jaeon shot up from his spot as if jolted. The food stuck in his throat caused him to burst into a series of coughs.

“……What are you eating.”

Seeing the manager’s scowling face, the area around his solar plexus turned ice-cold. Jaeon couldn’t answer and fidgeted. The manager came over the counter and realized that what Jaeon had been eating was a discarded lunch box.

The manager, whose face and neck turned red, flew into a rage. Unable to control his anger, he forcefully slapped the back of Jaeon’s head. It was right after Jaeon had painstakingly swallowed the food remaining in his mouth. Staggering from the strong blow, Jaeon soon let out a series of dry coughs, cough, cough.

“Are you a thief, you bastard? If I tell you not to eat it, then you shouldn’t eat it. Where do you get off sneaking around and touching things like a little rat, huh? Huh?!”

Always with that beggar mentality. The venomous words pierced Jaeon’s ears as he hung his head.

“Hey. This isn’t your first time, is it?”

Just as the interrogation was about to begin, the convenience store door opened. Because a customer came in, the manager cleared his throat at nothing in particular. Next to him, Jaeon stood with his head bowed like a sinner.

He thought it would stop, at least while the customer was there. However, the tirade resumed in a matter of seconds. The manager only lowered his voice a little from before, but he continued to berate Jaeon with sharp words.

“You ate it so filthily. Must have been tough for you, scanning the expired food and then secretly hiding to eat it, huh?”

The manager’s finger poked at the half-eaten lunch box. Jaeon felt his ears grow hot. He could feel the voices and presence of the customers who had approached the counter. It felt as if their gazes were focused in this direction.

The manager cleared his throat, ahem, and moved away. Jaeon turned his body toward the counter as if nothing had happened. He calmly scanned the barcodes of the items that were placed there, one by one. Lastly, he uttered the standard phrases as per the manual, such as stating the price and asking about loyalty points.

His eyes met the customer’s. To be precise, his eyes met with the man who was looking at him with worried eyes.

At first, he thought he was seeing things. As soon as he was sure it was him, Jaeon instinctively tilted his head down.

“……”

Heat rose to Jaeon’s face and ears as he looked down at the floor. It was so hot that it stung, causing pain. Sweat instantly beaded on his scalp and back. He had never dreamed that the man would visit. He had never once come more than once a day before.

“Hey. If you’re going to steal and eat expired food, you should have just had a piece of bread or something. What kind of thief are you, picking the most expensive lunch box to eat?”

Behind them, as they finished paying and were leaving, the manager raised his voice again.

*Please……. *

Jaeon clenched his hands so tightly that his nails dug in and drew blood. He just wished for them to leave quickly. But the sound of the door did not come. Instead, the presence of someone standing by the door felt all the more distinct. He heard the voice of his friend asking, ‘What’s wrong?’ Jaeon reflexively squeezed his eyes shut.

“You do this one more time. I really won’t let it slide so nicely then, got it?”

This beggar-like punk only does beggar-like things, driving me crazy…….

The manager’s voice, muttered loudly enough to be heard, echoed in the space. The sound of the door he had been waiting for finally pierced Jaeon’s ears after that. It was a cheerful chime, ding-a-ling.

The presence that had been so clearly felt was gone. Jaeon finally knew that the man and his friend had left the place. Then, leaving an order to clean up thoroughly, the manager left.

Jaeon was left alone at the counter. He, and the lunch box he had left half-eaten, were the only things left.

“……”

Jaeon looked down at the messy state of the lunch box. He stared at it blankly, then slowly reached out his hand. With trembling chopsticks, he gathered the remaining food together.

Come to think of it, they were all side dishes that he liked. He had been in such a hurry to shove them down his throat that he didn’t even know what they tasted like.

His body, which had to consume food several times a day, felt newly pathetic. Why was the human body so annoyingly designed? As he questioned this, he felt a sense of disgust. The idiomatic expression, it’s all for the sake of survival, felt particularly loathsome today. He felt like he would no longer be able to use the phrase he had heard and used without thinking from this day forward.

He couldn’t resist a moment of temptation and made that choice. He was ashamed of himself. His insides burned with regret. It didn’t matter that he was treated that way by the manager. What was painful for Jaeon was that the man had seen him in such a state.

That was what tormented him, and that was what made him want to die.

As his shift-end drew closer, his physical condition worsened. By the time he had finished all the tasks he needed to do before the next person took over, not just his forehead but his entire body was hot. Amidst everything being the worst it could be, there was one fortunate thing, which was that he had nothing scheduled afterward. Once his work at the convenience store was over, Jaeon could go straight home. The thought of wanting to sleep a deep, death-like sleep was the only thing circling in his mind.

“Oppa, are you sick?”

The younger girl he had gotten close to during shift changes made a serious face. Wondering if it was that obvious, Jaeon touched his cheek.