TTRIA 48

Their lips met. The sensation of them gently pressing together calmed all of Jeff’s nerves. Without even a moment to blink blankly, their lips slowly parted. Cecil’s blue, wavering eyes stared at Jeff. Facing the tremor contained within them, a surge of emotion welled up in his chest.

“Jeff, to say this is a feeling you hold alone…”

Maybe. Maybe really, you too…

Jeff closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around Cecil’s neck. He savored the lips that settled deeply, slowly inhaling each other’s breath.

It was a clumsy kiss.

Taking the first step is always difficult. But once you cross the boundary, you realize that the line that seemed so distant and far away was surprisingly close. The kiss that started at the jazz club continued naturally and smoothly, as if it had always been that way from the beginning.

The last light went out, and the backstage area fell silent. In the stillness where the daytime bustle had subsided, Cecil walked slowly, following Jeff. Jeff placed the prop box in its exact position and turned around. His gaze met Cecil’s, who was standing still, waiting for him. Jeff chuckled and playfully ruffled his hair.

“You know what? Sometimes you…”

“Sometimes?”

“You’re like a cat.”

“A cat?”

“Yeah. And sometimes you’re like a dog.”

Cecil, who had been obediently letting him touch his hair, rolled his eyes. He seemed to be trying to gauge whether it was an insult or a compliment. Then, realizing that Jeff’s expression was gentle, he gave a soft eye-smile.

“Why are you smiling.”

“Because it seems like you meant it in a good way.”

Jeff, letting out a hollow laugh, narrowed his eyes and asked.

“Why do you think that?”

“I can tell by your expression, Jeff.”

Your emotions are all written on your face, Cecil whispered and gave a shy smile. Jeff, who had prided himself on being good at controlling his expression, was at a loss for words for a moment. At that moment, Cecil, who had been staring at him blankly, pulled Jeff’s hand down and covered his own cheek with it. Jeff, who was suddenly cupping Cecil’s clear cheek, widened his eyes, and Cecil rubbed his cheek against his hand and made eye contact.

His long, gently blinking eyelashes were as languid as the swaying tail of a cat. Jeff, reading the demand in his blue eyes, let out a laugh that was like a sigh.

“Again?”

“Can’t I?”

His slightly tilted head held a touch of disappointment. At the touch that scratched at his fingertips as if pleading, Jeff’s resolve crumbled in an instant.

“You really…”

Jeff, who had laughed helplessly, pulled Cecil’s cheek.

“…How can I ever win against you.”

Jeff welcomed the lips on the head that approached obediently. Their breaths touched and scattered like a thin membrane. When he opened his reflexively closed eyes and pulled his lips away, he met Cecil’s blue gaze. It was an urging look. Jeff moved the hand that had been cupping his cheek. As he gently stroked the clear eyelid, free of any impurities, with his thumb, Cecil obediently closed his eyes. That face was so beautiful that Jeff kissed him once again.

Their lips, which had been gently pressing and lingering, met deeply. The tips of their noses brushed, and their breaths tangled. Cecil lowered the hand that had been holding his shoulder and wrapped it tightly around Jeff’s waist. Their heartbeats were transmitted from their pressed chests.

The sound of their moist breaths and heartbeats echoed in his ears. The goosebumps that ran up his spine made all his senses keen, and the texture of their lips became increasingly vivid. When the tips of their tongues brushed, it felt as if the sensation that had enveloped his entire body would explode.

“Stop. In here…”

Jeff hurriedly pulled his head away. Cecil, who had quietly caught his breath, looked at Jeff. His blue eyes were full of an unresolved lingering feeling. As if asking why he had stopped, they were directed at Jeff with a strange plea.

“Just a little more…”

“You really…”

Jeff, swallowing a groan, cupped Cecil’s cheek once again.

“…Briefly. Just once.”

Thump, he whispered softly, their foreheads touching. At that, Cecil smiled gently.

That smile was so beautiful. Jeff liked this side of Cecil that he had been seeing much more often lately. The clear and gentle, yet strangely pleading gaze. Every time that look touched him, Jeff’s chest would ripple gently. It would pass by like a short wave, but in the end, it would remain as a deep and wide echo, shaking his heart.

When did this feeling begin?

It had probably been slowly, steadily accumulating like water pooling. At first, it was with questions and doubts towards the ‘head of the family’. Later, it was with pity and curiosity towards ‘Cecil’. The changes that continued in this way gradually earned the name of affection, and soon grew into various forms of emotion.

Then, at some point, he couldn’t pretend not to know anymore. That it had become not just a simple liking, but love. However, he hadn’t been able to gauge the size of that emotion, so it was only when Cecil initiated the kiss first that Jeff realized. Just how immense the feelings he harbored were.

The realization completely changed the world. Cecil’s smile, voice, and every breath came to him more clearly and distinctly. His existence felt closer than before.

But that awareness was accompanied by as much fear as it was joy. He was not doubting Cecil’s feelings. It was clear that he, too, held the same feelings. However, he could not be certain that the size and depth of those feelings would be the same as his own. That subtle difference left a stinging anxiety in his chest.

Nevertheless, in the end, joy triumphs over fear. He feels hope every time he faces Cecil pleading for a kiss. What does it matter if they are not the same right now? In any case, it is the sincerity that Cecil has offered. He did not want to ruin the joy of this moment with petty anxiety. Because the most important thing to Jeff right now was the fact that he was by his side.

“I said briefly, just once.”

At the kiss that deepened once again, Jeff lightly bumped Cecil’s forehead. The blue eyes, which had been hazily unfocused, blinked clearly. His expression was full of obvious disappointment. Jeff felt like he wanted to take out his constantly tickling heart and scratch it raw.

“If you keep doing this… it’s hard for me to hold back too.”

At the sigh-laden whisper, Cecil asked innocently.

“The kissing?”

“…That too, but.”

Jeff, squinting his eyes, pinched his flushed cheeks. Even though he didn’t have much flesh on his face, perhaps because his skin was soft, the skin caught between his fingertips was soft and pliable. He seemed to have pinched him quite hard, but Cecil just smiled with a silly grin.

“…Don’t smile like an idiot.”

No matter what he did, he just looked beautiful, so his attitude became childishly prickly for no reason. A blunt remark burst out like a misplaced complaint. And yet, Cecil, without any sign of being offended, smiled and hugged Jeff.

“Why are you hugging me.”

“You meant it in a good way.”

“…The part about not smiling like an idiot?”

Jeff’s expression twisted strangely. Of course, he didn’t really mean he looked like an idiot, but he flinched for no reason at the action that seemed to see right through his inner thoughts. Should he say it felt like embarrassment was seeping in? As he was trying to control the corners of his mouth that were twitching despite his frown, Cecil whispered.

“I told you before, Jeff. I, too, am starting to understand you a little now.”

“……”

“That every word you say is based on affection.”

So, no matter what you say, it doesn’t feel bad, he added. Jeff slowly rested his chin on Cecil’s shoulder and said.

“You’re so easygoing.”

“Am I?”

“Yeah. But I don’t mean that in a sarcastic way. It’s just… I like that side of you too.”

“I know, Jeff.”

I know now.

That although Jeff always looks at him with affectionate eyes, he sometimes treats him like a very clumsy boy. And that it is a side he only shows to him. Jeff would not know how much that makes his heart swell.

“I want to kiss you, Jeff.”

Cecil said, hugging Jeff tightly. Jeff silently pulled away from his embrace and took his hand. Cecil, who was swallowing his disappointment, thinking that he was not giving permission, soon noticed that Jeff’s steps were hurried. And realizing where he was rushing to, he ended up laughing without a sound.

They reached the lodging in no time. As soon as he confirmed that Ego was not in the room, he discovered a memo on the table.

「I’m taking Ego for a walk. We’re going to eat dinner out, so we’ll be a little late. Rest comfortably.」

Checking the time, there was plenty of leeway. His mouth instantly went dry.

Whoosh, Jeff, who had thrown off his wig, hurriedly locked the door and pulled Cecil’s cheek to press their lips together. Cecil, who was led obediently, let out a breathy laugh. Jeff did not want to miss even that small breath.

He covered Cecil’s mouth as if cornering him and savored his tongue. Cecil’s breath sank low at the hasty kiss. The sound of their saliva-moistened skin brushing against each other echoed in his ears. It was a ticklish sensation that gave him goosebumps.

Jeff, who had been hazily looking at his trembling eyelashes, bit Cecil’s lower lip.

“Ooh…”

With a shallow gasp, the blue light that had been hidden under his eyelids was revealed. A reddish tinge seeped into Cecil’s blue eyes. He thought it was due to the heat from his ragged breathing, but soon realizing that it was his own hair color, Jeff was captivated by a strange sense of euphoria. He wanted to shower his eyes with kisses.

“Jeff, ooh…!”

Thought led to action. Jeff, who had moved up from the corners of his mouth and his cheek, pressed his lips to the clear corner of his eye. He felt the long eyelashes with the tip of his tongue and held the delicate skin between his lips. At that, a tear formed at the corner of his eye. Jeff stole the moisture scattered around his eye with the tip of his tongue as if quenching a thirst and slowly pulled his head away. Cecil, who was letting out shallow breaths, looked at him with his finely trembling eyes. Jeff slowly opened his mouth.

“Can I do more?”

Cecil was not unaware of the meaning contained in that question. Because he, too, was not satisfied with just a kiss. But even with longing in his eyes, Cecil hesitated. The way he lowered his gaze, bit his lip, and swallowed his breath showed his hesitation. Jeff looked at him silently and then carefully cupped his cheek and said.

“It’s okay, Cecil. If you don’t want to, I won’t do anything.”

At that, Cecil shook his head.

“No, Jeff. It’s not that…”

He held the hand that was cupping his cheek and moved his lips.

“I’m, …I’m too…”

“……”

“…dirty.”

Jeff, who had held his breath for a moment, hardened his expression. The aftershock of the words that had sharply pierced his ears pressed down on his heart to the very bottom. Staring intently into Cecil’s hopelessly wavering gaze, Jeff asked.

“Why are you suddenly saying that?”

“Jeff, I…”

“Is it the mansion?”

Jeff’s voice cracked low with unrestrained anger.

“Did that place make you say that?”

Cecil gave no answer. He just avoided his gaze and clenched his trembling fingertips. He probably wasn’t unaware that this was as good as an answer to Jeff. But even so, it must have been difficult to answer directly with his own mouth. Jeff swallowed his breath, feeling as if his internal organs were burning up.

In fact, it was something he had expected. That what had happened on the underground stage of the mansion had gone beyond the scene Jeff had witnessed. That could be inferred from the sight he had witnessed, hiding in the closet, on a full moon day sometime ago.

His appearance as he panted in painful breaths and scratched at his wound-stained skin. And his erect penis revealed under the white sheet. He had pretended not to know, but those memories he could not forget came back to life like daggers at this very moment.

He had hoped it wasn’t true. He had hoped he hadn’t suffered that much. Realizing that his earnest wish was futile, his vision was shrouded in black. As if overwhelmed by the anger welling up in his heart, his breathing became ragged with rage. Cecil, thinking that such an appearance was directed at him, opened his mouth haltingly with a pale face.

“Jeff, I’m sorry, I…”

The words he managed to squeeze out were as unstable as shattered glass.

“Because I, because I’m dirty…”

“You’re not dirty.”

A solid echo filled the room.

“You’re not dirty.”

Jeff, biting his lip tightly and swallowing the blaze of anger rising in his chest, said. The anger in his eyes flickered like a flame, but there was no disgust or resentment towards Cecil in it. Unaware that this had rendered Cecil speechless, Jeff gripped Cecil’s shoulders firmly and pressed out each and every word.

“I said you’re not dirty. The dirty one is not you, it’s Wayne, that goddamn son of a bitch! A piece of rotten meat would be better than that bastard. Do you understand?”

Cecil couldn’t say anything. He just faced Jeff with wavering eyes. Jeff, without even trying to calm his angry breaths, kissed Cecil. A flinching Cecil held his breath in a daze, and Jeff bit his lower lip as if chewing on it before pulling his lips away.

“I don’t kiss dirty things.”

With a gaze that tolerated not an iota of wavering, Jeff said, as if chewing his words.

“What can be dirtied is not the body, but the heart.”

“……”

“Do you think your heart has been dirtied? Even if you say so, I don’t.”

Jeff’s hand cupped Cecil’s cheek and caressed it.

“Don’t say the person I love is dirty.”

His voice trembled low. It sounded affectionate at a glance, but a firmness was imbued within it.

“Because when I hear those words, it feels like I’m being dirtied.”

“…You know, Jeff.”

Cecil moved his lips.

“Do you… love me?”

Moisture seeped between his fingers. Jeff, with a bitter smile, pulled Cecil’s cheeks even closer. When he kissed the corner of his eye, which was lowered, the taste of tears that felt only sweet seeped onto the tip of his tongue.

“It’s not ‘do you.’ You already know.”

Jeff whispered, their foreheads touching. It was a soft but firm echo. Cecil slowly closed his eyes, caressed Jeff’s hand, and opened his mouth.

“I don’t know. So tell me.”

“I love you.”

Jeff said, kissing his trembling lips. Cecil rubbed their touching noses together and whispered again.

“One more time.”

“I love you, Cecil.”

“Keep… Keep telling me.”

“I love you. To the point where I’m tormented by how you keep welling up inside me. And yet, to the point where I wish that pain would last forever, I love you.”

Jeff, wiping away a tear with the tip of his thumb, met Cecil’s eyes and added.

“So if you feel the same way, answer me. That you love me. That you believe me.”

“I believe you. I believe everything you say. And, I, too…”

Cecil, who had paused for a moment, closed his eyes. Tears fell, pattering down onto their two overlapped hands. As if afraid of something, Cecil whispered without opening his closed eyes.

“I love you.”

That low voice was engraved on his heart. It was like an arrow piercing his heart, causing a stinging pain and at the same time, sweet enough to make him feel overwhelmed. That sharp spark spread throughout his body, making his eyes hot.

“You have to say it while looking at me.”

He doesn’t know any way to suppress the welling moisture. He just closed his eyes because the blurring face of the other person was so heartbreaking. Then, for a moment, Cecil’s face became clear, and then moisture welled up again, blurring his face, but it didn’t matter.

“I love you, Jeff.”

Because Cecil, too, looked the same as him. Because he was looking at him with eyes that were moist and red. Jeff found that sight so endearing that he quietly kissed him. The lips that had lightly touched and parted were accompanied by a sense of longing. Jeff took Cecil’s hand and slowly walked to the bed. A fine tremor was felt at their clasped fingertips. As if telling him that Cecil had not yet completely shaken off his fear.

Jeff deliberately lay down on the bed with Cecil while still holding his hand. Lying face to face, he carefully examined his clear face. The tears had stopped, but he looked at his still moist eyes and said.

“This isn’t the mansion. Right?”

Cecil gave a small nod. Jeff reached out his hand towards his face and swept back his disheveled hair.

“The one in front of you is me.”

Cecil quietly exhaled and listened to Jeff’s voice. Jeff, who had swept back his hair and caressed his cheek with one hand, smiled.

“We kiss because we love each other.”

“…Love.”

Cecil repeated the word love with a trembling voice. Jeff slowly nodded.

“Yes, love. We are making love.”

“That’s right. We are making love.”

This time, Cecil initiated the kiss first. It was a light kiss that touched softly and then parted, but the remnants of their heartbreaking breaths seeped into each other’s chests. Jeff pulled Cecil’s hand and kissed each and every one of his calloused fingertips. He could feel Cecil’s breath, which had been flinching every time his lips touched, gradually becoming faster. His blue gaze lingered on Jeff. Jeff held his hand still and kissed his palm.

“It’s okay.”

His voice, without breaking the silence of the room, gently seeped into Cecil’s ear.

“It’s not something to be afraid of, or to suffer over. We are just making love. Just as I reach for you, you can reach for me too. As much as you want, without hesitation.”

“…As much as I want, without hesitation”

Cecil whispered, following his words like a parrot. Jeff, who met his hazily unfocused eyes, repeatedly kissed his hand and whispered.

“I like your playing. To the point where I keep wanting to kiss this hand that creates melodies. How about you?”

“I…”

Cecil, who had carefully reached out his hand, caressed the corner of Jeff’s eye and said.

“I like your eyes. When you look at me with those eyes, I couldn’t think of anything.”

Then he slowly approached and kissed the corner of his eye.

“I like your red hair too. I thought it was like the color of the earth where the sun has settled.”

He then twirled his hair between his fingers and pressed his lips to it. Jeff surrendered his body to the kisses that came to him and caressed Cecil’s cheek. Cecil closed his eyes and muttered, letting out a low breath.

“I like your voice. Your low, resonant voice is like an instrument. Every time you called me with that sound, I couldn’t think of any other music. I only wanted to hear your voice.”

I like you, Jeff. I like you so much. Cecil whispered endlessly and caressed Jeff’s form. Jeff quietly exhaled and felt his touch, his gaze, and his sound. All of it was unmistakable love, and a confession that tightened his heart. His chest ached indescribably, and he hugged Cecil tightly. He was happy with the heartbeat that was pounding without any sense of stability.

“Yes. You are in love with me.”

Jeff kissed Cecil’s lips again. This time, it was a little deeper and slower. The sound of their two breaths mixed thickly and filled the room. Saliva, whose it was impossible to tell, mixed and moistened their lips. As their wet tongues slowly tangled and rubbed against each other as if exploring, a sharp thrill ran up their spines. Their heaving chests were pressed tightly against each other, sharing the movement.

While hugging his waist and caressing his back, he would push his fingers between his hair and caress his flushed cheeks. While fiddling with his hot ears, they would, without distinction, pull the back of each other’s necks and press their lips deeply together. At some point, their two legs were intertwined. Their hardened erections brushed against their entangled legs, leading to a subtle movement. The tension that had covered their entire bodies was on edge, and at the same time, their breathing became rough.