TTRIA 50

When was the last time I felt happiness? When was it that I could enjoy my daily life without any worries and smile at small joys? It was probably before my mother passed away. No, to be more precise, it was before Alan Walker returned.

My life after that was a constant succession of anxiety and precariousness. Furthermore, what made me realize my unhappiness so clearly was the night everything burned down and my mother’s death.

“Forget it.”

I wonder if it would have been better if I had embraced the pieces of oblivion given to me bit by bit, taking comfort in time as my mother had said.

“Forget everything. The moment you become tied down, your life will become a hell. Forget it all and live your life to the fullest.”

If I had, would I have been able to live like others, accepting a moderate amount of unhappiness and a moderate amount of happiness? If I had grown accustomed to countless small joys like that. If I really had, perhaps the happiness I feel now would not have felt so immense. And when that happiness shattered, I would not have been crushed by such overwhelming despair.

“Snap out of it, Jeff! Jeff, stop it, please just stop!”

Amy’s scream did not reach him. Jane’s urgent cry, Charlie and Harold’s desperate touch. Jeff could not feel anything.

He did not even realize that he was clutching the shards of a broken glass cup with all his might, stomping on the wreckage like a madman. Even though he was covered in blood, he felt no pain, no sound. The scent remaining in the empty space where someone had disappeared was the entirety of the sensations he could perceive.

“…abandoned me.”

Cecil was gone.

“He abandoned me.”

No, he left.

“He… abandoned me, threw me away like trash and left. Me, me…!”

Cecil had abandoned Jeff Lowell and left of his own free will.

It was a fact he would not have acknowledged until the end if he had not found the note he left behind. If only he had not found that piece of paper that had drifted under the bed….

「I’m sorry, Jeff.」

If he had not, he could have denied it until the very end.

The third city had no connection to the people in the documents. Nevertheless, because of that feeling of ‘what if,’ Jeff and Cecil wandered around the city whenever they had a spare moment. As a result, they naturally spent more time outside, and with the experience at the jazz club as a catalyst, they began to try various things. Relying on the sense of security that fake identities and disguises provided, they began to indulge in life more boldly than before.

It started with small things, like strolling in the park. When they got hungry, they would sit on a bench and satisfy their hunger with a small sandwich. Most of the time they were with Ego, but sometimes he spent time alone with Cecil. On those occasions, they would stop by a bookstore to pick out books, or watch a musician’s performance with a now quite familiar attitude.

And they watched a movie together. Cecil, who was entering a movie theater for the first time, seemed overwhelmed by the giant screen and could not take his eyes off it. The light flowing from the screen flickered across Cecil’s face. Jeff watched Cecil. Although it had been a long time since he had seen a movie as well, his eyes were drawn more to Cecil’s expression than to the screen. Watching Cecil have new experiences had, at some point, become Jeff’s greatest joy.

That was definite happiness. The image of happiness he had consistently turned away from since his mother’s death. That was why Jeff was somewhat excited. To the point where he momentarily set aside his investigation into the ‘bugs’ and Gray, and even ignored the fact that he had blood on his hands from the mansion and the reality of being a fugitive.

“Should we stop by the movie theater one more time before we leave for the next city?”

The emotion of happiness, felt for the first time in a long while, had shaken his reason.

“Tell me anything you want to do, Cecil. Let’s do it together.”

Foolishly, he had been blinded by happiness.

“Cecil?”

The sense of wrongness he did not immediately feel even when facing the empty bed.

“Where did he go?”

The complacency of thinking he had just stepped out for a moment now feels so painful. He never knew he would feel so foolish for just waiting like an idiot instead of going to look for him right away.

“…Cecil?”

By the time he realized something was wrong, it was already too late.

He searched every room of the lodging. Under the bed, inside the closet, even in the corner of the bathroom. After confirming one empty space, he would run to another room. He was out of breath, but he could not stop. Even when his absence was certain, he could not give up.

But in the end, when he could not find Cecil in any of those places. Only then did reality hit. All his senses were paralyzed. His mind spun, completely empty, and that emptiness soon turned into frantic action. Jeff immediately ran out of the lodging. He was barefoot. He did not feel the stones on the street piercing the soles of his feet, nor the wind digging through his thin clothes. Only the instinct to find Cecil moved his body.

Cecil. Cecil. Cecil.

His voice had long since gone hoarse. It felt as if the inside of his throat was burning black, but he felt no pain. He scoured every corner of the streets, searching for a response that never came. The park where they had walked together, the square where musicians gathered, the shops they frequented. He strained his ears, wondering if every footstep might be a trace of Cecil. He tried to cling to any shred of hope. But he was nowhere.

“Jeff, wait! Let’s not do this and just go back for now, you’re really going to get hurt if you keep this up!”

Amy’s frantic voice followed him. His hand grabbed Jeff’s arm. But Jeff fought back, thrashing like a beast in chains, and shook off his touch. He stared at Amy with bloodshot eyes and asked back.

“Is he back? Is he back?”

“Jeff…”

“If not, get out of my way.”

Jeff started walking again. A long trail of bloody footprints stretched out from under his torn feet. The trail spread like a scream pouring out over the entire street.

“…Cecil.”

What if he came back and was surprised that I wasn’t there? What if he went out to look for me and we missed each other? Anxious thoughts drove him mad. He tried to focus on any scent that might remain, but the chaotic smells of the city confused his sense of smell.

“Please, just snap out of it!”

A hard slap turned his cheek. Not missing the brief pause, Amy grabbed Jeff by the collar. Staggering to a halt, Jeff’s lifeless eyes turned to Amy.

“Amy, Cecil is gone.”

“Jeff. Let’s go back. Let’s go back first and talk.”

“I have to find Cecil. Those bastards must have taken him. I have to find him before they get too far… a truck, right! Lend me a truck. If I chase after them now…”

“It’s no use!”

Amy shouted.

“Cecil wasn’t kidnapped. He left on his own two feet!”

Those words slammed Jeff to the ground. Jeff, who had stopped moving, had a strange look in his eyes.

“…What does that mean.”

Then he swayed pathetically.

“Why would he leave. I’m here, so why.”

In the end, a hollow laugh escaped. It did not make sense, did it? Cecil leaving on his own. Him leaving him behind. Where in the world was there such a ridiculous thing to say? Jeff shook his head, denying it. The hollow laugh that lingered on his lips cracked bizarrely.

“If you’re going to say crap like that, then get lost.”

“Jeff.”

As Jeff tried to pass, Amy held on to him with difficulty. Despite his rough flailing, Amy resisted desperately and added firmly.

“There was a note.”

That one phrase once again stole Jeff’s movement.

“The note Cecil left… I found it.”

He did not want to believe it, but those words were true. Cecil’s scent was ingrained in the small note placed on the table. Staring down at it blankly, Jeff reached out his hand.

Rustle. The texture of the paper that touched his fingertips felt unfamiliar. The hand holding the note trembled slightly. Jeff carefully unfolded the note and stared endlessly at the sentence written inside.

「I’m sorry, Jeff.」

That was all that was written in clumsy cursive. That was it, that was all.

Thump.

The sound of his heart dropping echoed in his ears. At the same time, a sensation like something snapping in two enveloped his chest.

“……”

Jeff looked down at the note in his hand, then slowly raised his head. His blurred amber eyes scanned the room.

On the bed, the neatly arranged bedding.

On the chair, the coat draped over it with sharp angles.

And on the desk, the wig and glasses, left untouched.

Jeff lowered his head again.

「I’m sorry, Jeff.」

The sentence was still there. There were no words following it. The note in his hand slowly crumpled. The thin paper lost its form in vain, crushed within his fist.

“…abandoned me.”

The voice that flowed out into the dry air was as sharp as cracked glass.

“He abandoned me…”

Thud. Dropping the paper, Jeff reached for the desk. He grabbed the wig that carried his scent. Lowering his head deeply, Jeff stared at it, his grip tightening. Cold fibers squeezed out from between his roughly clenched fingers. Soon, it was thrown against the wall with great force. Next were the glasses. Then he swept everything off the desk with his arm.

Everything fell to the floor in a jumble. Everything his hands could grab turned the room into a chaotic mess. The shards of broken glass dug into his palm. The words that burst from between his dry lips scattered like air.

“I was abandoned. I was abandoned…!”

Those words, as if refusing to be forgotten, were repeated over and over, flowing out from between his lips.

“Jeff, stop it, please just stop!”

Amy rushed in and shouted. Jane, Charlie, and Harold also came to stop him, but it was no use. Having lost his reason, Jeff continuously shook off their hands and paced over the broken glass fragments. His bloodshot eyes pierced through the empty air. There was no hope, no expectation in those eyes. Because he had been abandoned. Because he had been thrown away like trash, no different from the things scattered on the floor.

“Jeff, please…!”

The feeling of being thrown down to the very bottom in an instant. The warmth that had remained at his fingertips had grown cold, and the warmth and hope he held in his heart had plummeted into the mud. The solid sensation of affection shattered within his chest, becoming a suffocating emptiness. In its place, a sharp sense of loss newly settled.

He could not breathe. Gasp, gasp. The sound of his panting breath echoed in his ears. His vision blurred and swayed. Then, suddenly, he felt a pull on his trouser leg. Stumbling, Jeff slowly lowered his head.

“……”

A black dog that carried the scent was biting his trouser leg. It was desperately pulling at him, as if trying to drag him off the glass shards. Having lost all his strength, Jeff slowly moved his feet as if led by Ego’s force. Squish, squish. Bloody footprints were left in a long trail on the floor.

Ego, who had led him to a corner free of fragments, released his hold. Then, a warm tongue licked the blood splattered on the top of his foot. As if trying to treat the wound. Jeff, who had been staring blankly at the sight, slowly knelt down. Looking into the huge dog’s eyes, he managed to draw out his voice.

“…Why are you here.”

A hoarse, cracked voice came out with difficulty.

“Were you… abandoned too?”

Did he abandon even you before he left? That cannot be right. He might leave me, but there is no way he would leave you. You were his only friend.

“How, why…”

Jeff collapsed as he hugged Ego. The black dog simply stayed still in Jeff’s arms, sharing its warmth. In a world consumed by emptiness, it was the only warmth that remained.

“Jeff, let’s treat your wounds first.”

Amy, who had approached cautiously, gently touched Jeff’s shoulder.

“You’re a mess right now.”

Jeff slowly raised his blurry gaze. In the midst of a spreading, hot fever, he could faintly see his surroundings. The broken, scattered, and messy room, the floor stained with bloodstains, his throbbing hands and feet, and the worried faces of the people looking at him.

Ah, yes. Amy is right. Everything is a complete mess.

A lump of emotion that surged up like reflux got caught in his throat. His breath catching, Jeff bit his lip hard and lowered his head. Amy hugged Jeff’s back, hiding the trembling of a man on whom despair had descended.

“Doesn’t it hurt?”

Amy, who was finishing tying the knot on the bandage, spoke cautiously. Jeff, who had been silently looking down with his eyes lowered and holding his silence, raised his head. His dry lips barely moved.

“I’m fine.”

“Your hands and feet are a mess. The fragments were embedded deep, so the wounds are deep and you bled a lot. You must be feeling dizzy right now.”

“I’m fine.”

“……”

Jeff, answering like that, indeed looked numb. As if he could not feel any pain at all. Amy pressed her lips together and swallowed a sigh. She carefully placed his bandaged hand down.

“There must be a reason.”

His sunken gaze turned toward Amy.

“He’s not the type of person to just leave like that. There must be some circumstances…”

“…I wonder.”

A dry laugh escaped.

“We wouldn’t know that.”

“Jeff.”

“Seeing how he left like this, he might have been planning it.”

“Don’t say things you don’t mean. You don’t actually think that, do you?”

Amy said, as if scolding him. Jeff slowly let the faint smile on his lips fade. Staring silently at his own hands, he spoke in a low voice.

“…You’re right. It probably wasn’t planned. But the fact that he left doesn’t change.”

He did not completely rule out the possibility of a kidnapping, but given the circumstances, it was highly likely that Cecil had left of his own free will. Because they had fallen asleep together in the same space. If someone had snuck into the room, there surely would have been a commotion. There was no way Jeff would not have noticed it. In the first place, he was not a deep sleeper.

However, it was also true that he had not been living with the extreme vigilance he had at the mansion. When they first started their escape, he would wake up at Cecil’s slightest movement, but not anymore. He trusted Cecil that much. He had never once thought that he would leave him.

Therefore, perhaps this situation was the result of his carelessness. Cecil left of his own accord without causing a commotion. Even if something had happened to him, it was Cecil who did not let him know. Had it happened somewhere out of sight, he might not have known, but this had happened while he was right beside him.

In conclusion, he left. Leaving him and Ego behind. Quietly and secretly.

“You know it’s not easy to leave this place alone. There must have been an accomplice.”

Amy said, observing Jeff’s somber face. Jeff also agreed with that statement. Even though he had faced the world a little during their journey, Cecil had not yet adapted enough to the world to leave on his own. The fact that he left meant that someone had incited him, and that there was someone who helped him escape.

A person who could provide a reason for Cecil to have to leave. The only being who could effectively sway Cecil would be one person.

Wayne Gray.

A being who is more skilled with scents than anyone but does not possess a scent himself. What if he, a person, not a ‘bug’ that leaves ‘scent’ as a clue, came here himself? What if he secretly approached Cecil so that he would not be noticed? Where would be a place he could naturally hide?

“…The theater.”

Jeff instinctively thought of it.

“He might have hidden as a member of the theater audience.”

That was the only situation where one could hide in a crowd and make contact secretly. Chewing on his lip, Jeff asked Amy.

“Was Cecil ever away from his post?”

“You mean while he was working?”

Amy, who was thinking deeply, suddenly nodded her head.

“Yes. It was brief, but there was one time.”

“When was that?”

“I think it was the day before yesterday.”

“The day before yesterday… Two days ago.”

Jeff recalled Cecil’s last two days. Was there anything particularly strange about him?

He had definitely finished his work at the troupe like any other day and enjoyed an evening walk. One day they listened to street musicians, and the next day they had dinner at a new restaurant. He wore a scarf because the weather had gotten quite harsh recently, and because of that, his face was half-covered. Was that why? He could not clearly recall what Cecil’s expression was like then.

Then what about the morning? Lunch? What was he like when he was helping with the troupe’s work? Looking back, it seems he might have been a bit low on energy. But there was nothing particularly noticeable, enough that he had dismissed it lightly, thinking it was due to fatigue.

Then what about last night? He thought he had shared a light kiss before falling asleep and patted his back as he burrowed into his chest.

When he opened his eyes at some point, the warmth in his arms was gone. Could it be that he was uncomfortable in bed today and went back to his own bed? Thinking so, he turned his head, but Cecil was nowhere. And that was how he was confronted with his absence.

“Come to think of it, back then. I think his expression was a little stiff.”

Amy said, furrowing her brow as she searched her memory.

“He was with us constantly after that. So it’s highly likely he ran into someone then.”

Jeff nodded his head. But a question still remained. Why did only Cecil leave? Why did he only make contact with Cecil and not show himself to me? Why is he leaving the murderer who killed the mansion’s butler alone?

It is as if he is intentionally spiriting Cecil away, watching me and waiting. Like setting a trap and waiting for it to be sprung. Yes, perhaps he is waiting. So that I, having lost my reason due to Cecil’s departure, will show up on my own. If he is waiting somewhere…

“……”

Jeff raised his head in the silence.

I have to go find him.

“Amy.”

Jeff opened his mouth in a calm voice.

“Thank you for the treatment. I’ll be sure to repay everyone for the trouble I caused today.”

“Are you… really okay?”

“I’ve at least calmed down.”

Amy, who was watching him nod with a complicated expression, got up.

“Alright, I get it. Don’t push yourself and rest until tomorrow. Everyone understands what happened today, so don’t worry unnecessarily.”

“Thank you, Amy.”

At his sincere voice, Amy gave a small laugh and left the room. Only after the door closed and the sound of footsteps had completely faded did Jeff slowly get up. He took one step and picked up Cecil’s scattered wig, and took another step to pick up the glasses that had covered his eyes. Like that, one by one, he picked up the things scattered on the floor and tidied the messy room.

In the meantime, complete darkness had descended outside. A large full moon rose between the low but dense buildings. Staring at it blankly, Jeff slowly lay down on the floor.

“Ego.”

Ego, who had been hiding under the bed, met his eyes. When he reached out his hand towards him, Ego cautiously approached and licked his fingertips. A faint smile formed on Jeff’s stiff lips. Jeff, who had been meeting Ego’s eyes in silence for a while, whispered.

“We’re leaving at midnight.”

The glass-like black eyes stared at him.