UPLB Ch 32

It has been a week since I broke up with Yang Juwon. I should have been getting better, and I definitely knew that time would numb the pain, but it was not easy.

When I think about it, the period when I met Yang Juwon was the most unusual time of my life. The original me was always lethargic and only wanted irresponsible pleasure. Insomnia was also an old friend. I would sleep for two or three hours a day at most, and even then, there were frequent days when I could not sleep at all.

Even while I could not sleep, I hated being at home, so I always tried to wander outside. This was especially true at night. Whether it was to meet people or to travel far away alone.

Was I afraid of the night? What was the difference between me and the stray cats that dug into the alleys every night?

I can’t sleep.

The cursor in the input window blinked repeatedly. I wanted to send this to Yang Juwon just as it was. It was past three in the morning, and Choi Sungbin was continuing his difficult battle.

The daytime seemed somewhat bearable, but the night was an ordeal. The curtains were, of course, all drawn, and only the minimum amount of lighting was kept on.

I was not hungry, so I did not eat properly either. The side dishes that Yang Juwon had brought from his parents’ house were still in the refrigerator. He did not ask for them back, and I did not offer to return them first.

I was living exactly as Yang Juwon had told me not to. But this was my original self.

Is this what it’s like to break up?

Choi Sungbin slowly swiped his finger across the screen. The messages exchanged with the man were still there, intact.

It had been quite a while since we had exchanged messages. After Yang Juwon finished his work-study, we were always together, so there was no need to contact each other separately. I slowly scrolled up.

I read each and every message I had shared with him. ……It was a sight to behold.

Sunbae, why are you so selfish?

Is it so wrong of me to ask you to stay in touch?

Shouldn’t you have texted me when you got to the library? Hehe.

Aren’t you curious if I got home safely?

‘Sunbae, sunbae, sunbae…….’ 

I was looking for Yang Juwon all day long. Then, if my mood soured, I would immediately snap, ‘Hey, Yang Juwon.’ I was itching to nag him.

After pecking at him to my heart’s content, I would also say, I miss you. Can I come see you? On good days, I would say, Sunbae, let’s hang out after you’re done today. Don’t you miss me? I was even putting on some pathetic displays of affection.

“Isn’t this guy a total psycho.”

Looking at the accumulated messages, I was at a loss for words. My emotions were so wild that they turned off and on like a light that turns on with the flip of a switch. In contrast, Yang Juwon’s replies were always concise.

I was just about to contact you.

Fuck, as if…….

If not that, then Okay. Sometimes, I’m sorry. I’ll be there soon. What do you want to eat? Let’s eat something delicious.

Choi Sungbin read the messages nonstop as he scrolled up. The content was voluminous, as it contained several months’ worth of time.

As I went further into the past, the content of the messages changed. The messages were unimaginably short compared to now, and it was rare for me to even reply in the first place. There was one thing I realized as I read.

‘How on earth, and why, did Yang Juwon put up with this?’

March, when I first met him, was even more of a spectacle. I ignored all the messages he sent and only contacted him for a single purpose. Where are you. Or, Come to the hotel, just skip class. Come to where I am.

“……”

Choi Sungbin stared blankly at the messages with a hardened face. Even back then, the man’s answer was predictable. Yeah, okay. Sometimes there were messages mixed in saying he could not right now, but my reaction was different.

If it were now, I would have gotten annoyed, asking why not, but back then it was different. I told Yang Juwon, who was trying to make plans for later, to forget it.

I knew what that meant. I had a replacement.

Yang Juwon must have known, too. The thought of it made my breath heavy. After reading the messages from beginning to end, I put my phone away with a stiff expression.

I have to ask Yang Juwon for the reason. Why he had endured everything all this time, and of course, I thought it was something I needed to apologize for.

Perhaps I was being more mindful of this because of guilt. Because of guilt. When I think about it, weren’t there too many things I had done to him?

Maybe I was struggling more because of the guilt that lay within. Maybe if I apologized, everything would be okay.

Thinking about Yang Juwon all day, lying in bed and looking at Yang Juwon’s empty space. Remembering him at every moment. It will all end.

Wasn’t I someone who lived without much lingering attachment to human relationships in the first place? This is guilt.

In order to apologize, I needed an excuse to start a conversation. When he said let’s break up, I left his studio apartment cleanly, and since he had not contacted me for several days, I needed an excuse.

“Ah.”

One idea came to mind. Choi Sungbin hurriedly got up from his seat and found his wallet. He took out the ID photo that was tucked inside his wallet.

It was a photo I had brought from his parents’ house. Should I offer to return it? Now that we’ve broken up, what’s the point of keeping a childhood photo? It makes me look creepy. If I use this as an excuse, I might be able to see him, even for a moment.

……But I don’t want to give it to him.

Stroking my chin, I gazed at the photo. Is it okay for someone to look this fierce since childhood? The neat white shirt, which his mother must have dressed him in, was buttoned up to the neck. His styled hair was stiffly set.

Even though it was just for an ID photo, I could picture, without seeing it, how she would have tidied up every little detail for him.

“……”

Let’s just decide to return the photo later. I decided to keep it as a trophy.

We would run into each other in the lecture hall when the semester started anyway, so there was no need to use a photo to break the ice. It was a relief for me, but I had arranged most of my class schedule to match Yang Juwon’s. Honestly, this time too, it was my insistence.

Except for a few major classes, I had him match everything to my schedule. Did Yang Juwon say he did not want to? Of course, he did not.

Although I had pushed for it, the schedule was perfect. It was an efficient schedule that anyone would envy. So, unless Yang Juwon is an idiot, he will follow the schedule.

I don’t know. For now. I should try to talk to him if I see him tomorrow. I probably will not be able to sleep properly tonight either. I needed to organize what I had to say to him.

📝

Sunbae, I want to apologize for being mean to you all this time. For all the ways I ignored your feelings. But it’s not like that now.

I’m not asking you to get back together, but to get back together……, what do I do with this part?

My mind was a mess. My heart felt unsettled. Was it because I could not sleep, or because the new semester was starting, or was it because there was someone I was waiting for? If I had to pick a reason, it would probably be the third one.

Choi Sungbin glanced at the lecture hall door. Although I sat in a corner, it was a conspicuous spot. Whenever I felt a presence at the door, I quickly turned my head to check. It was a false alarm every time.

When Yang Juwon came in, I had to somehow make him sit next to me. Who’s asking you to date me? We don’t have to date. It’s okay if we don’t date, I just need to apologize, and we can be friends.

Friends…….

It means I can’t leave you, so please let me stay as a friend. Please let me at least stay by your side.

Just mulling it over made my mood sink. Friends between ex-lovers, it was the behavior of someone with lingering feelings, no matter who looked at it.

Forget everything else, all I needed to do was apologize first. Think about it later. Fuck, friends or lovers. All that mattered was that Yang Juwon was by my side.

I will be less obsessive. I just had to not do the nasty things I had done before, such as being clingy, being annoying, getting irritated, getting angry when he did not take my side, being selfish, getting angry when things did not go my way, preventing him from meeting friends or family, and so on…….

I knew how to make a good impression on someone.

Speak with a soft tone, smile affectionately, spend some money, and create a subtle atmosphere. Then would Yang Juwon like me again? Could we be together again?

If I treat him with ease and not be bothersome, a suitable distance will form between us, and then it will be a good time to redefine our relationship.

‘Will Yang Juwon stay by my side?’

Choi Sungbin steeled his heart. Treat the other person with ease and composure. Do not be hasty, please.

Please.

I glanced at the door one more time and checked the time. He should be here by now. The first class is replaced by an orientation, but given Yang Juwon’s personality, he was not the type to skip.

If he was going to skip, he should have skipped his part-time job and work-study with all sorts of excuses when he was dating me. How could a man who always ignored me when I asked him to skip be the type to skip an orientation? Yang Juwon is not that kind of person.

“……”

I was being clingy again without realizing it. What was the point of recalling the past now that we had broken up? I had no intention of arguing about whether you were wrong or I was wrong. It was just a matter of me apologizing to Yang Juwon.

Trying hard to compose myself, I checked the door one more time. Even though it was time for the lecture to start, Yang Juwon did not show up.

Why isn’t he coming?

Tilting my head, I took out my phone.

Where are you?

In the end, I sent the text. I wanted to meet him casually in the lecture hall, but fuck…….

Yang Juwon never came to the lecture. Nor did he reply to the message.

To stick to his plan of waiting for him calmly and composedly, Choi Sungbin did not add anything more after sending ‘Where are you?’ Normally, he would have sent countless messages like, Why are you not replying? Are you not planning to come to the lecture? Why aren’t you coming? Why on earth do you make a person wait like this? and so on, but this was just about right.

It did not seem obsessive, nor did it seem clingy. Probably.

“Hello.”

For some reason, my department classmates were gathered, so I went over to them. There was one woman and four men. Normally, it was not a group I would mix with, except for the female student.

Sure enough, they all showed their bewilderment at me suddenly speaking to them.

It’s none of your business. Choi Sungbin curved his eyes and smiled.

“Did you have a good break?”

“Yeah. ……What is it?”

“I came to say hello.”

“Aren’t we not on speaking terms?”

Choi Sungbin gave a short laugh.

“You guys are the ones who pathetically disliked me. I have no feelings towards you. You know. I get along fine with Seokjun.”

Only then did they remember the university classmate he was somewhat close to. After getting entangled with Yang Juwon, he had not contacted him once, so he had forgotten for a moment.

He was not even curious about what he was doing with his life.

Anyway, what was he? Nothing more or less than a classmate he was slightly friendly with. It was none of his business whether he had taken a leave of absence or was still attending school. There was a different reason why he had bothered to strike up a conversation.

“Do you happen to know Yang Juwon sunbae? He’s kind of tall.”

“Ah.”

“You know who he is?”

“Of course. He’s a sunbae. He came to department events occasionally.”

“……”

Choi Sungbin scanned the classmate who said he knew Yang Juwon. He had cut his hair short and seemed to have styled it himself. So what if he did, when he looked so dopey. Yang Juwon did not look that foolish even when he had his bangs grown out long.

Anyway, he does not have a striking appearance, so how does he know him? Although he came here to track his whereabouts, he felt bad now that he actually said he knew him.

“You don’t seem like you were close.”

“I just know him, that’s all. Didn’t that sunbae usually go around alone?”

“Who are you talking about?”

Another classmate who was next to him asked.

“That, Yang Juwon sunbae. Ah, you don’t know him? You’d know if you saw his face. The guys said he looked pretty good after he cut his hair…….”

“Hmm.”

Choi Sungbin showed a hint of discomfort. He did not have a memorable appearance, so he was wondering how this bastard knew him, and the first thing that came up was his looks.

No matter how much he thought about it, he should have just let him go around with his gloomy bangs down. Why did he have to tell him to cut his hair?

In the end, he snapped in a sharp tone.

“Do you know where he is or not?”

“I haven’t seen him.”

“Then just say that. Why are you dragging it out?”

“Did you come looking for a fight?”

“No, I came to ask where he is.”

“You really haven’t changed. Only wagging your tail in front of the girls.”

“They don’t act like you guys. If you don’t know, then fine.”

Bye. Choi Sungbin only said goodbye to the female classmate in the group and walked away. As soon as he turned his back, he frowned.

If he was hearing things like that even in the previous semester, how much worse would it be this semester?

He really was trying to apologize. He really was. But it felt like he had only made Yang Juwon look good, and he was starting to get pissed off.

Surely he’s not meeting someone else as soon as we broke up. We didn’t break up because you disliked me. You said it was because of me. You used me as an excuse, and I’m standing here with my eyes wide open, so would you meet another bastard……?

I really do not want to act obsessively. I’m just going to apologize neatly and leave. What more could be said now that we’ve broken up?

He just had to apologize and they could go their separate ways. Now he would be free from stress, and without Yang Juwon who was always by his side, he could live a new life. He could just enjoy a light and fun life like before.

Getting annoyed about contact issues, getting stressed, crying and clinging to his pants. Honestly, it was behavior that did not suit his usual self.

So. Really. I’m just going to apologize.

Don’t I have to apologize for acting like a crazy bastard?

Choi Sungbin scoured the entire department building. It was solely for the purpose of apologizing.

He did not want to go all the way to his house. Why should I? Now that we’ve broken up, do I have to knock on his door and beg him to open it?

Sitting on a bench, he just stared at the door Yang Juwon usually used. He took out his phone. He had definitely sent a message several hours ago, but there was no reply.

Should I try calling just once? If I find out where he is and go there, I won’t have to waste any more time.

Choi Sungbin glared at his phone. I told you I hate it when you’re out of reach. Why on earth is he still doing this?

He knew he was in no position to say anything since they had broken up, but it was also true that he did not feel good. They did not even break up on bad terms, so he did not understand why he was trying to avoid contact.

You said we were breaking up because of me. You said it wasn’t because you grew to dislike me. But why…….

We’re going to see each other in the department, so are we not going to see each other at all in the future? Is that what Yang Juwon wants? Then should I just get lost on my own?

……Is that it?

He finally made the call. But, as expected, he did not answer.

“Ha.”

Choi Sungbin let out a hollow laugh. He knew he would not answer. But since he really did not answer, he felt a bit.

Fine, whatever. Let’s just quit. This is so fucking annoying. Thinking about it, it was strange in itself to be searching for a man all day who was nowhere to be found and unreachable.

The new semester had just started today, so there was still plenty of time. He wanted to relieve his frustration, but what could he do if he could not see him? The goal was to apologize anyway.

His physical condition was also very good right now. He had not slept, skipped meals, and went through messages and albums all night, but right now, he was fine.

“……”

It was definitely like that. So why was he still unable to get up from his seat?

Choi Sungbin quietly watched the door that Yang Juwon frequently used. Why on earth was the person who was usually so visible everywhere not here today of all days?

He dropped his head low, then lifted it up.

Since it was just before class time, there were many students coming and going from the department building. Hair color, clothes, height, body type, race…… among the people who stood out in various ways, a head that suddenly popped out caught his eye.

Found him.

Choi Sungbin got up from his seat. Then, without a moment’s hesitation, he walked towards him. He had no thoughts.

Upon finding the man he had been persistently searching for for several hours, he was filled with the single-minded thought that he just had to catch him.

He pushed through the students who were blocking his way like obstacles and approached the man. The shabby short-sleeved shirt was a familiar sight after a long time.

He had returned to how he used to be, as if this was his true self. If only his hair was long, his attire would be exactly the same as in the first semester.

What’s the point of dressing him up so nicely? He’s back to his old self.

Choi Sungbin grabbed the man’s wrist tightly and spun him around. The startled man could not even react and just stared with wide eyes.

“Why didn’t you come to class?”

“No……, my wrist.”

Flustered, Yang Juwon hesitated. He glanced at the students passing by. Why are you checking what other bastards think? Choi Sungbin followed his gaze persistently. The man kept trying to twist his arm, as if the grabbed wrist was bothering him. But that was none of his business.

How hard was it to find him? He had no intention of letting him go easily. He had been tearing through the school for hours.

Calm, composed, and relaxed my ass. Choi Sungbin bombarded the man with questions.

“It’s orientation today. Why didn’t you come? You’re someone who’s usually so punctual?”

“No, wait a minute.”

“I sent you a text, why didn’t you reply?”

“……”

“Why didn’t you answer my call?”

“No, ah, wait a minute, really.”

Yang Juwon fumbled and patted his pockets. He also checked the file case he was holding in his arms. Choi Sungbin endured his annoyance, his lips twitching.

After rummaging through his pockets for a while, Yang Juwon let out a sigh with an, Ah.

“I think it’s at home. I put it on to charge in the morning and came out in a hurry, so I couldn’t bring it.”

Even if his house was close to school, still. How could he go out without his phone?

“Then how do you find your classrooms?”

“I print out my schedule and use that. I just came today to attend my major classes.”

Fuck, I forgot. Yang Juwon usually prints out his class schedule himself. So inefficiently.

“Okay. I understand. Then why didn’t you come to class?”

“I’m going to change my schedule. I’ll keep the major classes as they are.”

“Why are you changing your schedule? Isn’t the current one the best?”

He could not understand. Whether in terms of time or the quality of the classes, the schedule he had made was the best. It had a Friday morning class and a Monday off, and looking at the syllabus, there were no group projects, at least in the liberal arts courses. The workload was a bit heavy, but when had he or Yang Juwon ever been stressed about studying?

The reason he had been looking for Yang Juwon was definitely to apologize to him. But overcome by a wave of frustration, he ended up questioning him point by point.

Still, I don’t understand. Why on earth would you change your schedule?

Could it be.

“……Are you changing it because of me?”

“……”

“Because you don’t want to take classes with me?”

I should not have asked. Even before a reply came, it was hurtful. Seeing his expression made it even more so.

Yang Juwon looked at me with a troubled face for a moment, then his lips parted. After choosing his words several times, he gave an ambiguous answer.

“I don’t have to explain to you why I have to change my schedule. I don’t know why you’re prying like this.”

I did not want to pry. I really just intended to apologize. I thought it would make me feel much lighter.

But it was strange. From the moment I spotted the back of Yang Juwon’s head, I was just acting like my old self again. I did not want to get annoyed, but I pushed him, saying I did not understand, and I pressed him even though he did not want to answer.

Choi Sungbin let out a sigh.

“I didn’t come here to fight with you, sunbae.”

“I have no intention of fighting with you either.”

Choi Sungbin took a deep breath. Let’s not get worked up, please. Please. Please. He tried hard to calm his heart.

“Let’s talk, right now.”

Yang Juwon looked back at the street, which was now empty of students.

“I have to go to class.”

It was a blatant excuse. He had clearly skipped the first liberal arts class.

“It’s orientation. No one cares if you skip. Let’s talk. Just give me a moment. It won’t take long.”

I did not want to be like this either. I did not want to be clingy, but seeing the man who seemed to have no intention of giving me any time, I was treating him in a similar way again.

With a short sigh, Yang Juwon made an uncomfortable face.

“What else is there to talk about? We talked about everything last time.”

“We haven’t finished yet. I have something to say.”

“Then just here……”

“Juwon-ah.”

Suddenly, a woman’s voice came from over his shoulder. Choi Sungbin fleetingly looked at Yang Juwon’s face.

“……”

Had Yang Juwon ever shown such an expression? Tinged with bewilderment, he stood there with a face as if he had seen a ghost.

Fuck, who is it…….

I was about to turn my head to see the person for myself. At the same time, Yang Juwon grabbed my cheeks.

As I looked at the man with surprised eyes, he snatched my arm. When he forcibly pushed my body, I stumbled with a misstep.

“Later, let’s talk later. For now, just go inside.”

“What?”

“Just go into the building. Let’s talk later, no, I’ll contact you right away.”

Is he crazy?

It was the first time I had seen Yang Juwon this flustered. His urgency to get rid of me somehow made Choi Sungbin even more suspicious.

First, that it was a woman’s voice, not a man’s, and second, that as soon as he saw the person, Yang Juwon tried to push me inside one way or another.

It must mean that he does not want me to meet that person.

Choi Sungbin shook off Yang Juwon’s hand and turned around. A woman with a petite frame had come close.

“……”

I do not know who she is even looking at her like this, so why is Yang Juwon so flustered? Choi Sungbin stared blankly at the woman, making eye contact. Should I smile or something?

Normally, I would have, but honestly, I could not bring myself to smile right now. It was probably because of the woman’s expression. Yang Juwon was not the only one showing bewilderment.

I read the woman’s trembling eyes. What on earth is this situation?

“……”

Choi Sungbin remained silent to gauge the atmosphere. Yang Juwon hid his flustered look and asked the nameless woman.

“What are you doing here? I heard you changed your major.”

He walked closer to the woman, leaving me behind. Suddenly forced to take a step back, Choi Sungbin was faced with a feeling of isolation. I told you I don’t know who she is. Even though she was clearly someone around Yang Juwon, I did not know this person.

“The professor told me to come see him since I’m back in school. But…… isn’t that Sungbin?”

The woman asked cautiously, glancing around. Choi Sungbin clenched his jaw. Even though he was quick to pick up on the flow of the air, he could not read the current situation at all.

The woman knew me.

Choi Sungbin, who had stepped back from the two of them, looked at them alternately. I did not know why she knew me, and I did not know why Yang Juwon was so restless.

Standing a little away from them, Choi Sungbin rolled his eyes. Once at Yang Juwon, once at the woman, and then at Yang Juwon again. Only then did the woman tilt her head.

“You don’t remember me?”

The woman acted friendly and familiar. Is she someone I’m supposed to know? Choi Sungbin could not answer.

He could have pretended to know her out of politeness, but for some reason, he did not want to.

“Ah. You don’t remember……”

In front of the woman who was smiling awkwardly, Yang Juwon lowered his head.

“Just go. I’ll explain everything later.”

“Why. It’s been a while. I’m Yeongnan. We were close when you were a freshman. Don’t you remember?”

Choi Sungbin let out a short gasp.

“Ah……”

Hearing the name, he thought he knew who she was. It was a familiar name, but not a very common one these days. Also, her appearance had changed so much that he had not recognized her.

Honestly, it was not a good memory. He had just wanted to enjoy some light dating, but the other person’s feelings had suddenly become too deep. He thought he had tried to end it by making up an excuse about having a boyfriend, but he could not remember how it had ended. Anyway, how did Yang Juwon and Yeongnan know each other?

Yeongnan tucked her fallen hair behind her shoulder. She started talking to Yang Juwon, with me still present.

“Do you two know each other? You seemed like you didn’t know each other last time.”

“No, just. Just. We know each other.”

Yang Juwon mumbled his answer. He looked troubled. Choi Sungbin silently observed the situation. Normally, he would have helped him escape the situation, as he looked uncomfortable, but now his feet would not move. He could not even open his mouth.

Just as Yeongnan was curious about my relationship with Yang Juwon, so was I. Choi Sungbin picked up a puzzle piece. Should I fit it in or not? He was lost in thought for a moment.

“I didn’t know you two were close.”

“……”

“How do you know each other?”

The point of the question was directed at me.

“Sungbin, are you close with him even though you know everything?”

“……What are you talking about?”

“You might not remember, but me.”

“I remember you, sunbae. But what are you talking about right now?”

The question was directed at Yeongnan, but his gaze was on Yang Juwon. He wanted to hear it from Yang Juwon, not Yeongnan. But he just stood there silently.

He must have felt my gaze, but he did not even look at me. What on earth is this?

He was thrown into an incomprehensible situation. He just wanted to apologize to Yang Juwon. That was why he had been searching for him all day.

Among the people I was looking for, Yeongnan was not one of them.

Yeongnan carefully raised the corners of her mouth and smiled.

“Do you remember I had a boyfriend?”

“……Yes. I remember.”

“The boyfriend I was dating back then was Juwon. Didn’t you know?”

Choi Sungbin’s eyes widened for a moment. The puzzle he had been contemplating whether to piece together found its place on its own. His body stiffened and he flinched. He looked at Yang Juwon, but he was looking elsewhere.

“……I didn’t know.”

The voice that answered was devoid of strength. He could not even recognize her face, so would he be interested in her boyfriend? Even when they were dating, he had not cared whether she had a boyfriend or not.

He had at least told Yeongnan, who was crying and saying she was sorry to her boyfriend, not to suffer unnecessarily and to go back. He did not care about her staging a monodrama, but he did not want to be the main character.

So what happened? It was a memory that had been not just put away but thrown away, so it was hard to piece it together. He tried hard to recall.

His brow furrowed. Nothing came to mind. But the memory of her having a boyfriend was clear.

That boyfriend was Yang Juwon?

Why? It did not make sense.

Yang Juwon is my boyfriend. Why? Why did he date Yeongnan? Why?

“But I also think of it as something in the past. And I got along well with Juwon as friends. Ah, but Juwon-ah, I couldn’t reach you after we met last time?”

Yeongnan touched Yang Juwon’s arm and spoke. The man, who had shown discomfort when I held him back, now stood his ground without a word. Choi Sungbin glared fiercely at that hand.

Doesn’t it bother you that she’s touching you? Why don’t you talk excitedly like before? Why are you standing there with your mouth shut?

He tried hard to control the trembling that he felt from deep within. Choi Sungbin swallowed a bitter breath, his Adam’s apple bobbing大きく.

“Have you two met recently?”

He asked, trying his best not to show it. He glanced sideways at the man who flinched next to him. Yang Juwon’s reaction was strange. It was as if he was affirming it. It seemed it was not a coincidence. Something must have happened.

Because Yang Juwon could not say a word, Yeongnan also watched their expressions. Choi Sungbin smiled at her. Go on, tell me everything.

“Was it early August, or late July? Anyway, we had a meal once not long after I came up to Seoul.”

“This year?”

“Yes.”

“This break?”

“That’s right……”

“What did you do when you met?”

“I said we had a meal. Why do you keep asking? It’s scary.”

Yeongnan scolded him with a laugh.

Yeongnan was the only one laughing. Choi Sungbin let out a long breath and turned his head towards Yang Juwon, who was standing there like a sinner. Yang Juwon could not laugh either.

He tried to sort out the situation.

When I was twenty, I briefly hung out with Yeongnan, who was a department sunbae, and Yeongnan had a boyfriend at the time. But ‘coincidentally’, that boyfriend was Yang Juwon. And a few years after that, Yang Juwon and I started dating.

But then, ‘as it happened’, Yang Juwon and I broke up right before the start of the semester, and Yeongnan appeared. Could this be wrapped up as a coincidence and a matter of timing?

Yeongnan read the frosty atmosphere.

“You didn’t know…… I guess. But well, it’s all in the past. I don’t care either. Um. It’s just. I just said it because it was strange that you two were together.”

Naturally, no one answered.

Yeongnan stood there with a perplexed expression, then checked the time. Then she changed the subject.

“I should get going now. The professor is waiting.”

“……”

“……”

“Let’s have a meal later. I’m leaving.”

After Yeongnan left, only the two of them remained. The campus, which had been bustling with students, became quiet as class time began. Yang Juwon, who had briefly lowered his gaze, finally looked up. As the man parted his lips to say something, Choi Sungbin beat him to it.

“Did you know?”

“……”

“Did you know? That I… was with that sunbae?”

Why were you talking so well earlier, but now you’re silent?

“I’m asking if you knew.”

“Yeah.”

“Since when?”

I know he clams up when he is at a disadvantage. But not now.

“Since when did you know, fuck, why aren’t you saying anything? You were talking just fine a moment ago.”

Yang Juwon let out a low breath. He nodded his head as if he had made up his mind.

“I got to know you because of Yeongnan.”

The confirmation came back. Choi Sungbin stood there blankly. He felt like an idiot.

It was true that he had done wrong in the past. He had played around with a girl who had a boyfriend, and he had swung her around even though he had no intention of dating her. He had done many terrible things to Yang Juwon, too. He treated him like an easy toy to play with. Pretending to accept his feelings, he acted selfishly this way and that. Even after they started dating, he was obsessive and nagging. He admits that it must have been hard for Yang Juwon.

But this is too much.

What on earth does it mean that he knew from the beginning? Did he want to get revenge for me playing around with his girlfriend? So he gave me his body, his heart……, no, fuck, unless it was some kind of great love, does this even make sense?

Did he love her? Yang Juwon? Someone else?

“But Sungbin-ah……”

“I don’t understand right now. My head isn’t working.”

“Let’s not talk here, let’s go somewhere else. I’ll tell you everything.”

The man reached out his hand. Choi Sungbin took a step back. What was he going to say?

“Don’t touch me. I said I don’t understand.”

“I won’t touch you. Let’s go talk. You said you had something to say. I’ll listen to everything.”

“……Now?”

He really just intended to apologize to Yang Juwon. He had no intention of being forgiven, but he wanted to at least apologize. He had never imagined something like this would happen.

Did he laugh at me inwardly? What did he think when he saw me chasing after him, crying and clinging to him?

“You said you had nothing to say. But what are you suddenly talking about? I don’t have anything to say to you anymore, sunbae. That’s enough. Let’s go our separate ways.”

Choi Sungbin turned his steps without hesitation. He walked aimlessly, without a destination. At the very least, he wanted to leave this spot.

He bit his lip hard. Tears welled up again. I want to stop crying. Fearing that it would be hard to handle if they fell, he quickly wiped them away with the back of his hand.

Tap, tap, tap, tap—. The sound of footsteps grew closer. Sungbin-ah, Yang Juwon called out to him and grabbed his arm. Choi Sungbin shook him off with all his might.

“Ah……!”

A cry filled with pain poured out from behind him. When he turned around with a surprised face, Yang Juwon was sitting on the ground, holding his ankle.

“Are you okay?”

He bent his knees and sat in front of him. A broken stone was rolling on the ground. It seemed he had rolled his ankle on it under the sole of his shoe.

What the hell is this? It’s so annoying.

Yang Juwon was groaning and only holding his ankle. Another layer of guilt was added. It did not even give him a chance to be hurt.

Are there people who are born to hurt others?

“Get up.”

Choi Sungbin tried to erase the thought and grabbed his arm to help him up.

It hurts……. Yang Juwon said with difficulty and leaned on him. He knew how much of an overreaction it was to go to the hospital for just a sprained ankle.

But that was when it was his own business. Annoying. Choi Sungbin showed his back to him.

“Get on my back. Let’s go to the hospital.”

“You don’t have to go to the hospital for something like this. And getting a piggyback ride is a bit much.”

“……”

Choi Sungbin bit his lip hard. Yang Juwon, who read his expression, finally leaned on him and got on his back. Choi Sungbin supported his thighs. He pouted his lips on the way to the car.

The weather was already fucking hot, and carrying Yang Juwon on his back was not an easy task. That man was also a full-grown adult with a large frame. Even if he was thin, he was heavy.

Choi Sungbin walked silently, looking only ahead.

“Stop crying, please.”

“……What about it?”

“I said stop crying.”

“……I’m not crying.”

Choi Sungbin shook his head. Tears were streaming down his face. He did not even have time to hate Yang Juwon. He was sorry for knocking him over, and it felt like it was his fault again. He did not want to be caught crying when he did not even have free hands.

Yang Juwon leaned his forehead against his back.

“I’m sorry.”

Even receiving an apology was annoying.

📝

The ligament was slightly sprained, they said. Yang Juwon spent less than an hour at the hospital, receiving physical therapy before coming out. Choi Sungbin fumbled and held out the ankle brace he was holding in his hand.

Yang Juwon, who was sitting in the waiting area, put on the ankle brace. As he tried to get up, Choi Sungbin reached out to support him, but Yang Juwon shook his head.

“I can walk this much on my own.”

After finishing up, they got into the car. Choi Sungbin only relaxed after getting into the driver’s seat. He took a deep breath. He did not say a word while pulling out of the parking lot.

Naturally, he headed to his studio apartment. He had not been there for the past few days, but it was still frighteningly familiar.

After a long silence, Yang Juwon spoke first.

“Are you getting some sleep?”

“Are you even curious?”

“……You seem to have lost some weight.”

He must have lost weight. He had not weighed himself so he did not know, but it was natural for him to be losing weight when he was having trouble sleeping and skipping meals.

Choi Sungbin did not want to explain in detail, so he did not answer. Instead, he wanted to ask something else. There was a story that was not yet concluded. What on earth had happened with Yeongnan? But he was afraid of the words that would come out of his mouth.