UPLB Ch 34

I know this is for a limited time. If this is a dream, I will someday wake up, and even if it is reality, Yang Juwon will leave.

I just wanted to spend this time. Even if it was just for a moment, it was okay.

Why did I not know? Did I believe that Yang Juwon would love me forever? Even though I knew that was not the case. In the first place, was not the act of testing him a result of my anxiety? And yet, I do not think I truly felt the preciousness of the time I spent with him.

I was just impatient, anxious, and only wanted to receive even a little more validation.

The tightly shut eyes slowly opened. Choi Sungbin flinched. It felt like he was returning to reality. His hazy thoughts slowly came into focus.

“Are you awake?”

Yang Juwon asked, then closed his eyes once more. He buried his cheek into the pillow, stretched lightly, and sat up.

Choi Sungbin just watched him silently. It was now time to distinguish between dream and reality. Was it all a dream that I fought with Yang Juwon and broke up with him?

Even encountering Youngnan, and hearing from Youngnan about Yang Juwon?

Seeing him acting as he usually did made me feel strange.

Is it a dream? If so, that would be a relief. It would be a true relief.

“I dozed off too.”

Yang Juwon rubbed the inner corners of his eyes and looked for his phone. After checking the time, he said in a low voice, “Ah, I did not sleep for long.”

“Go wash up. Let’s eat. I bought some porridge earlier, but I think it’s probably cold by now.”

Saying so, he turned on the room’s light. Choi Sungbin frowned. The light felt strange because he had been in darkness all day.

The man left the bedroom, and Choi Sungbin, unable to even properly sit up, followed the man’s back with his eyes. I have seen this scene many times. It is the day we broke up.

After washing up, we would fight at the dining table, cry, and collapse from the exhaustion of crying…, I just had to realize what kind of person I am.

How pathetic and shabby of a human I am. How pitiful it is to struggle just to receive a little bit of love.

That even if I cling to a cliff and reach out my hand, there is nothing to grab. That my struggling is just laughable.

Hmph, he let out a short, dry laugh. I have dreamt it so much in my dreams that I have grown a little tired of it.

He obediently nodded his head. Right, let’s go. Whether it is a dream or reality.

He barely managed to wash up and come out. It was still difficult to get a clear grasp on reality. It was the effect of the medicine. He sat down dazedly in a dining chair.

Yang Juwon brought the porridge he had heated up. He placed the entire pot on the table, and while normally Choi Sungbin would have said something about him lacking the sense to serve it in a bowl, he picked up his spoon without a word of complaint.

“What is this medicine?”

Yang Juwon held up the sleep aid that was on the table. Choi Sungbin glanced at the box and then ate a spoonful of porridge. It was ordinary beef and vegetable porridge.

“It’s something I take when I can’t sleep.”

“Is it like a sleeping pill?”

“Well. It’s similar.”

“You did not eat all of this, did you? Surely.”

Choi Sungbin’s brow furrowed slightly.

“Of course not. I took it because there was some I used to take before.”

“If you take one, do you just fall asleep right away?”

“I took two. Just because.”

When I used to take a lot, I had to take three to fall asleep, but since it had been a while, the medicine was quite effective. He had woken up in the middle and taken one more, but Choi Sungbin decided to hide it.

Yang Juwon stared intently at the box and then spoke.

“What happens if you take this? Do you just sleep?”

“But sunbae, why did you come here?”

Was not that more of a priority than asking this and that about the medicine? Choi Sungbin was genuinely puzzled. This was not a situation where the two of them should be talking so casually.

Ah—, the man, after a brief pause, said.

“Because you did not come to class. Were you sleeping so you could not make it?”

“Yes.”

“You usually come to class. But you did not, so I wondered if something happened.”

“Did not you say you were going to change your schedule?”

“Yeah. I did not change it.”

“Why?”

“Is there really a need to change it?”

Yang Juwon smiled slightly. In this incomprehensible situation, Choi Sungbin’s eyes darted around. Well, to be honest, the schedule was so perfect there was no need to change it.

It was all set to match Yang Juwon’s, so why would I be stupid enough to change it? Realizing that Yang Juwon seemed to know that, Choi Sungbin nodded.

“It’s hard to drive after taking medicine, right?”

“Yes. It is for me.”

“Hmm, then I’ll borrow the car.”

“…Yes?”

“Let’s go to the place we went to on our birthday. The place we went to see the stars.”

Choi Sungbin stopped eating and looked up. Even if he wanted to hide it, a dumbfounded expression appeared on his face. Could he be serious?

It was past twelve o’clock at night. And Yang Juwon, who had driven there and back, would know best how far away that place was.

“I really can’t drive right now.”

“I’ll do it. You rode with me last time.”

“……”

“I actually think night driving is more comfortable.”

Choi Sungbin suddenly looked at the bracelet wrapped around Yang Juwon’s wrist.

Why is he wearing that?

It was a bracelet he could not possibly fail to recognize. How could he not know, when it had been on his own arm the whole time? It was something he never took off, not even when he showered or slept.

Choi Sungbin let out a bitter sigh and rotated his wrist. It felt empty without the star-shaped charm that had always been a slight nuisance. He wrapped his other hand around his wrist as if fastening the bracelet. Yang Juwon was looking at a map app, memorizing the route.

Is he serious about going to see stars at this hour?

“I want to see the stars.”

Yang Juwon mumbled to himself.

When I stared at him with a reluctant face, the man gave an awkward smile. Everything is incomprehensible. Am I still not awake from the dream?

Choi Sungbin watched him for a moment, then buried his face in the bowl and shoveled in the porridge. It seemed his appetite was returning a little.

📝

The car pierces through the darkness. The silence and stillness, too…, it cuts across the dawn.

Choi Sungbin watched the passing scenery from the passenger seat. At first, Yang Juwon had waved his hands, saying he could not possibly drive my car, but once he got used to it, he continued to drive quite capably.

Choi Sungbin leaned back comfortably. His body did not feel heavy, but he was just as dazed. Wondering if some cold air would make him feel better, he lowered the window.

Once they entered the mountains, the air was certainly different from the city. The rather cool night breeze seemed to clear his head a little.

Despite being in the car for nearly two hours, the two did not have any particular conversation. Still, he was less nervous than when they first got in.

It seemed to be because he had ridden in it once before.

Back then, too, they had come in Yang Juwon’s car late at night like this. It was the first time he had ridden in a car driven by him, so he had been overly sensitive. He remembered not being able to say anything, worried that if he nagged, Yang Juwon might get into an accident.

Honestly, it was not much different from back then. It was just pitch black because it was night. The scenery was not particularly beautiful. It was just desolate.

The smell of the forest and the night seeped through the window. The damp earthy scent was a little fishy. Yang Juwon focused on driving. Although it was a paved road, he drove on a path that, with its many curves, was not entirely smooth.

After driving for a good while, he stopped the car in the parking lot. As expected, the place was deserted, and there were no lights whatsoever.

A large bridge was the first thing that caught his eye. Even the lights that were supposed to be on at night were turned off because it was so late.

In truth, there was no reason for anyone to come at this late hour. If a couple wanted to see the stars, there would be plenty of places near Seoul, no, even within the city. There was no need to drive for several hours to come up north.

“Let’s get out.”

Yang Juwon got out of the car first, and Choi Sungbin was left alone in the passenger seat. He watched the man who was walking forward nonchalantly, and in the end, he followed him out. It was definitely a bit chilly, likely because they had come into the mountains.

He rubbed his arms and stood a little distance away from him. It lacked a sense of reality. Like the stars spread across the sky, this whole situation was bewildering.

Yang Juwon leaned against the deck railing and looked back at my side. Over his shoulder, the low mountains and the bluish night sky unfolded like a painting.

There was a smell of damp moisture, and the sound of a calm but powerful stream of water reached me. When the wind blew, the leaves rustled with a shiver.

Choi Sungbin wanted to approach him, but his feet would not move. In the past, if he wanted to be next to him, he would just go without thinking, but it was not easy now.

It will be like this in the future, too. In the future, I will have to stand far away and watch Yang Juwon. That fact was sad.

Choi Sungbin lowered his head. Just how many times would he have to sort things out? He must have come here today to sort things out as well. Is this what breaking up is normally like? He could have just done it at home, so why bother bringing me all the way here…

I will never be able to come to this place again. I will not be able to come even if I miss it. What he had to say was obvious. He would just go on and on with nagging, telling me to get my act together and live properly.

There is no need for him to care. I will live like this for my whole life, my whole life. Walking the exact same path my father lived.

When my father was my age, I was already struggling to not just walk but run. At least it was a relief that I did not have a child. Even if I did, what would I know?

“Sungbin-ah.”

Choi Sungbin, who had been kicking at the ground, raised his head. It was not completely dark, as countless stars were spread out. Yang Juwon stood beneath them.

Choi Sungbin stared blankly at the sight. It was a scene he would never see again, so he captured it in his eyes for a long time.

Never again, never again…, I will never be able to see it again.

“Come over here. What are you doing standing there?”

Yang Juwon gestured with his hand. Choi Sungbin pretended to look around. Is it okay to go? He slowly took a step.

He approached the man’s side. The closer he got, the heavier his footsteps became. He stood a couple of steps away. Yang Juwon, who had been leaning against the railing, turned to face my side.

“What time did you take the medicine?”

“I don’t know. I don’t remember well.”

He was not the type to keep track of the time while taking it. He took it and fell asleep, then woke up in the middle and took it again. Since he had drawn all the curtains, it was difficult to tell if it was day or night.

“You couldn’t sleep, could you?”

Yang Juwon reached out and touched his cheek. Choi Sungbin furrowed his brow slightly. It was the man’s touch he had wanted so much, but it just felt depressing.

He had been able to sleep because of Yang Juwon, and yet he suffered from insomnia because of him again. It felt like he could sleep if he whispered ‘sleep well’ like any other day, but he could not say it because of his pride.

He was afraid he would leave, and scared he would no longer like me. When he looked at me with cold eyes, the path in my heart narrowed. I became more irritable and sharp than usual.

Impatience gave rise to anger. Then Yang Juwon’s expression would harden even more. He no longer smiled and would nod his head reluctantly at the irritation I showed. Annoyed with fighting and emotional drain, he agreed to everything.

Choi Sungbin had no choice but to take it all in. He knew it was all his fault, but his anxiety made him keep pushing.

This time, too, he held his words back. Because of whom could I not sleep? If he said that, the grumbling he had bottled up inside would come out, and then they would just end up fighting again.

If he likes him, he should just say he likes him, but what on earth is he doing?

“I met Youngnan today on my way here.”

Choi Sungbin’s expression hardened.

“Youngnan changed her major. To Business Administration. But I was taking a liberal arts class there, so I ran into her on my way out after it ended.”

“So?”

Even though I was the one who had messed up the relationship between the two of them, it felt uncomfortable to hear the name ‘Youngnan’ come from Yang Juwon’s lips.

I know I am a crazy bastard, but is not Yang Juwon being too much? What, what does he want me to do? Is he speaking so openly now because he found out anyway?

It seems I made a reluctant face without realizing it. Yang Juwon shrugged his shoulders and smiled.

“She asked to eat, but I refused. I told her I have something more urgent right now, so let’s meet later.”

“What’s the urgent thing?”

“I came looking for you. Because you did not come to class.”

“I could just not come to class, you know.”

“Because I know you are not someone who usually does that.”

Yang Juwon spoke as if he knew me well. It was not wrong. Why would I skip class? It would all become my responsibility later on.

Choi Sungbin dropped his gaze to the ground.

“Why didn’t you change your schedule? You acted like you were going to.”

He kicked at the ground even though there was nothing to catch the tip of his shoe on. He had been holding onto a strange expectation without realizing it. Even though he knew it was better not to expect anything.

How stupid. He had no one to blame but himself.

“Why would I change it when it’s the best schedule? You set it all up for me.”

Choi Sungbin could not say anything. He glanced at Yang Juwon, who was leaning on the railing and facing my direction, and then fixed his gaze.

He stared at the man. He could no longer see his surroundings.

“Sungbin-ah.”

Yang Juwon started to speak again. Choi Sungbin tried his best to ignore the anticipation that touched his skin. The answer came next.

“Yes.”

“You’ve done a lot of bad things to me, to be honest.”

He pressed his lips together firmly. There was no way he did not know how mean and cruel he had been to this man. He was not even in a position to properly exchange emotions, and yet he only tried to use him.

He was ready to accept any amount of reproach and criticism. He had decided to live like this for the rest of his life, after all. Although it would be a bit scary if Yang Juwon did it. That, too, was something he had to endure.

“I remember everything.”

He clenched his fist slightly. He knew it was his burden to bear, but he needed to prepare himself mentally. In the end, he bows his head once more. There were many things to be ashamed of.

“I won’t pretend not to know, and I won’t just bury it.”

“……”

“That was your time, too. Let’s accept it and live. What can we do?”

Choi Sungbin, who had his hands behind his back and was looking down at the ground, flinched. He opened his eyes wide. It was overwhelming to handle the feelings that kept surging up.

He could not even make an excuse, as the stars did not even enter his sight.

I had never tried to acknowledge myself. Even though understanding follows acknowledgment, I did not want to do it.

I had lived my whole life avoiding everything. I wanted to live with other people, but I disliked deep relationships. I would act like I was getting close but then put up a wall, and let them be by my side only within that wall. Under the excuse that I liked casual encounters, I hurt many people.

The truth is, I was hurt when I was young. I could put aside the mother whose face I did not know, but my only father would drink with some women day and night and roll around in every corner of the house. Honestly, he might have done drugs too. He just never got caught.

My grandmother was my guardian, but she could not always be with me. She, too, was a person who could not be a guardian. She considered her own life more important.

To her, I was like a doll she looked in on from time to time. Still, I lived always feeling grateful to my grandmother. If things had gone wrong, I might have lived without even receiving a formal education, let alone kindergarten.

Being with people who were not in their right minds with just a door between us was hard to endure. It was a relief if they did not open the door.

Even if I locked the door, the doorknob would sometimes jiggle. This is Sungbin’s room, oh, I thought it was the bathroom, let’s go to the bedroom, can’t we just play with Sungbin for a bit and then go? Sungbin-ah, let’s play with noona, or let’s play with dad, let’s play with us.

It had been like that since I was young. The nights were overwhelming. They were never peaceful. How could I sleep when they would jiggle the doorknob and wake me up even after I had fallen asleep? Every night, I curled my body in anxiety.

What if those people come into my room? What if my out-of-his-mind father rolls around with a woman in my room?

Was it because of that? I could not sleep at night. I was anxious. I avoided things that could give me stability. Rather than going to a hospital to get a prescription, I would stop by a pharmacy and collect sleep aids. I hated being at home, so I always wandered around. Things like untimely night drives, or the embrace of the opposite sex.

Choi Sungbin needed stability.

Someone who, even if he was blunt, even if he was indifferent, would talk with me all night when I could not sleep, touch my cheek, and whisper ‘sleep well’ all night long.

Someone who sometimes lets me see my own pathetic side. Someone who would at least point a finger at the naked emperor. Choi Sungbin closed his eyes. A teardrop that had formed fell to the ground.

Yang Juwon was the only person who acknowledged even my pathetic and pitiful sides.

“So.”

Yang Juwon smiled awkwardly.

“Look at my time too. It’s true I dated Youngnan. And it’s also true that I got to know you then.”

“……”

“Youngnan had a really hard time. But I was a bit mean, too? I think because I was sorry for liking you, I intentionally let Youngnan have her way with me. To be honest, I could have cut it off if I wanted to, but I made this and that excuse. It wasn’t that Youngnan had her way with me, but that I let myself be swayed.”

Choi Sungbin did not answer. He bit his lip and cried his eyes out. Why do I keep crying? I hate crying.

Even in the midst of this, I think that I am a crazy bastard. Thinking about the two of them being together during the time I was not there made my stomach churn.

Choi Sungbin wiped his tears with the back of his hand. He looked at him with wet eyes. Yang Juwon smiled with a carefree face. He actually looked much better than before.

“I have no more lies to you now. I’ll admit everything. It’s true I dated Youngnan, and it’s true I knew you then, and I met Youngnan while dating you. We just had a meal and parted, but I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you. That’s true too. I’ll admit it.”

“……”

“Let’s accept it and live, each other. How can we get everything to match? We have to acknowledge things too. I’ll acknowledge you too. Your personality isn’t great.”

Wasn’t this supposed to be a touching moment? He tilted his head slightly. Choi Sungbin finally let out a wet voice.

“…Your personality isn’t great either, sunbae. You stalked me.”

“Ah, right. I’ll admit that too. I’m sorry for stalking you. But isn’t it wrong to act like you’re going to sleep with different girls at every department event? They have their department lives too. And really, your reputation among the guys is terrible, I’m telling you.”

“I don’t give a damn what those bastards say. You’ve had two campus relationships within the department. Shouldn’t you be the one to behave yourself?”

Choi Sungbin ended up grumbling. Yang Juwon laughed out loud, hahaha. It was not meant to be funny. Then he retorted.

“Right. I’m suddenly in two campus relationships within the department.”

Choi Sungbin was slowly starting to feel bad. His attacks did not seem to be very effective.

“And it’s also annoying that you suddenly acted like you were tired of me. Is it because my personality is bad? But why now…”

“Ah, right. Let’s talk about that too.”

It seemed Yang Juwon had a lot more bottled up inside than he thought. I have a long-lasting grudge even though I speak up whenever I feel bad, so how much worse must it have been for this person who cannot even say anything?

“When you didn’t let me go to my parents’ house, I was re—ally annoyed. I guess that had been building up.”

“Then you should have said you were going then. Why did you have to make me anxious for no reason?”

“You told me to choose. If I had chosen my parents’ house, you would have thrown a fit, wouldn’t you? Again?”

“…What do you mean, a fit?”

Choi Sungbin mumbled his words, his speech trailing off. He had nothing to say. If Yang Juwon had chosen to go to his parents’ house back then, he would have fought tooth and nail to stop him.

…It was understandable that he would be tired of it.

Feeling awkward, he scratched the back of his neck and feigned indifference.

It would probably be the same in the future. Honestly, he was resolving now that he would not do it again, that it would never happen again, but you never know what will happen with people.

He hated this side of himself too. He crawls on the floor yet lives looking only at the sky. Without even thinking of getting up from where he is.

“Sungbin-ah.”

“Yes.”

“Let’s just live like this. It might not be to your satisfaction, but this is just my personality. I can’t be affectionate, I’m blunt, and I can be indifferent… Even if I say I’ll fix it, it’ll be the same. But I’ll at least try.”

“What’s gotten into you all of a sudden? After acting like you’d never see me again.”

He ended up asking. From the very beginning, he could not understand why Yang Juwon had come to his house. Had they not really ended things?

Yang Juwon let out a drawn-out “Ah,” as if releasing a breath of exclamation towards the river.

“I’m being whimsical too. You’re very whimsical.”

Why all of a sudden me…

Is that how Yang Juwon saw my personality? As soon as he got the chance, he was only talking about personality issues.

“I’m a person too, so I have emotional ups and downs. There are times when I’m angry because of you, times when I’m upset, and times when I’m worried, and then I feel good about you again. What you said was right too. There were times I put up with it because I felt sorry for you. I’d think, ‘he must be so stressed to be getting angry like that.’ When I think like that, I just end up letting it go.”

Choi Sungbin nodded his head. Yang Juwon wiped the smile that had been lingering on his lips.

“I’m being whimsical too, so just hold onto me one more time. I held onto you too every time you said let’s break up.”

“……”

“I want to be with you. Even if it’s hard, even if it’s hard, I want to be with you right now.”

Yang Juwon held out his arm. Choi Sungbin looked down at the bracelet on his wrist. The star-shaped charm sparkled.

It’s mine.

His mind was no longer hazy. Even though the medicine was strong, he was frighteningly clear-headed.

Choi Sungbin raised his trembling hand. This is the worst. His hand was shaking so much it was noticeable even in the dark. It was a laughable gesture, but Yang Juwon did not laugh.

It was embarrassing, but he endured it. He barely managed to unfasten the clasp. Yang Juwon took his hand. With the man’s rough gesture, the bracelet that was on my finger slipped off. Soon, he wrapped the bracelet around my wrist.

A hand with thick knuckles and a bit rough. Jagged fingernails trimmed only with nail clippers, without any professional care.

A gesture that, no matter how you look at it, could not be called gentle.

“……”

“……”

Their eyes met. Had his eyes, which I had always thought were vacant, ever sparkled like this?

Yang Juwon said.

“Hold onto me.”

Choi Sungbin’s lips quivered. Unlike the calm man, his voice was so very pathetic.

“I don’t want to break up. Let’s be together.”

Yang Juwon smiled brightly. Choi Sungbin suddenly raised his head. The countless stars that filled the night sky finally came into view.

Now I can see the stars.