ACJY C76

The two men got back in the truck. The man, who had stopped the truck not too far from the house, used the truck’s high beams as a flashlight.

The field belonging to the old man from the persimmon tree house was certainly on lower ground compared to the other rice paddies and fields Taeheun had been to. The field was so deeply submerged in water that he wondered why anyone would even bother planting crops on such low land in Dongjam-ri, which was mostly flat terrain. And it was submerged in muddy, ocher-colored water at that. He looked to see where on earth the muddy water was flowing from and saw that it was coming down from the low mountain right in front of them.

“It’s all flooded. Where do we drain it to?”

“We can use the drainage canals of the other houses.”

As if he had done this once or twice before, the man spoke casually.

Looking around, he could see several fields that were perfectly fine. Those areas were also on low ground, but perhaps the water channels were different, as they seemed to have escaped damage, though they were slightly submerged. It didn’t seem to be just a problem with the drainage canal. How did only that old man end up using the mountain water? There must be a specific reason why the man was being so tight-lipped.

The man roughly estimated the distance and went back to the truck. Taeheun followed right behind the man like a baby bird following its mother. The man went back to the truck bed and took out the water pump and a water container that were covered with a blue tarp.

“Let’s carry it together.”

“It’s not heavy. Mr. Taeheun, could you please carry the hose?”

Under the tarp lay a long hose as thick as a forearm. One was a blue, slightly firm model, and the other seemed to be made of cloth, fluttering lightly. The blue one was quite heavy. Taeheun slung the hoses over both shoulders and followed the man. The man found a flat piece of ground to place the pump, and Taeheun arrived shortly after.

The rain grew heavier. The sound of the rain hitting their raincoats was loud. The man silently opened the water cap and poured water into it. Then, he firmly connected the blue hose to one of the pump’s openings and connected the cloth hose to the other side. Normally, he would have asked all sorts of questions, but with the rain and the apparent time crunch, he didn’t ask anything.

Finally, it seemed the preparations were complete. The man picked up the blue hose and walked toward the flooded field. Taeheun held onto the pump to keep it balanced. After placing the hose near the field, the man came back and this time, moved the other hose to an area where the water was draining smoothly.

The man fiddled with the hose a few more times to secure it firmly, then pulled the cord to start the engine. The pump, which started on the third pull, began to suck in water with a loud noise. Or should I say it began to spit it out? In any case, as the two hoses properly did their respective jobs, it wasn’t long before the crops that had been submerged in the muddy water began to slowly reveal themselves.

Taeheun looked up at the sky. The rain showed no signs of stopping. Even if they drained the water now, if the rain kept falling like this, the field would be flooded again. The man’s words about possibly having to stay up all night hadn’t been an exaggeration.

Once a decent amount of water had been drained, the man quickly packed up the hoses.

“What about the field? Just leave it like this?”

“Yes. For now.”

The man replied, looking back at the field. Even to Taeheun, who was a complete novice when it came to farming, it didn’t look like there were any crops that could be salvaged.

Letting out a faint sigh, the man picked up the pump and the water container. Taeheun grabbed the hoses like before and returned to the truck. After putting the items back in the truck bed and covering them well with the tarp, the man immediately got behind the wheel.

“We’re going to the rice paddies.”

“Alright.”

Unlike when they came here, the man’s expression looked relaxed.

“The paddies should be fine, right?”

“Yes. The chairman put a lot of care into the drainage system, so they rarely ever get flooded. It’s easy to irrigate them, too.”

“Then don’t we not need to go check?”

“Just in case.”

The countryside on a rainy dawn was quite bustling. There were several other people besides the man who had come out to check on their rice paddies. Each person threw in a comment about how there had been little rain this year, welcoming the downpour.

They generally seemed at ease. It was the impression that they didn’t really need to come out, but had, just in case, like the man. A few of them who had been short on water in their paddies opened the sluice gates they had kept closed to trap rainwater, collecting the water flowing from the drainage canals.

The man drove the truck slowly, greeting everyone he passed in a loud voice. They were all far away, and with the sound of the rain, it seemed unlikely they could hear well, but somehow they all recognized him, calling him ‘Jihye’s dad’ or ‘Gibeom-ie’ before adding a ‘Good work’ in response.

And so, they arrived at the land that would become the man’s rice paddy next year. The man parked the truck on the farm road and walked to a nearby rice levee.

Did he say eight thousand pyeong?

Taeheun stood with the man in front of the vast rice paddy. Standing alone with the man in a place where the only light came from the truck’s high beams felt strange. It felt like he and the man were the only two people left in the world.

The rain began to let up. The raindrops that had been relentlessly pelting their raincoats turned gentle. This moment alone with the man felt so good that he thought it wouldn’t matter if they stayed silent forever.

How long had they stood there like that?

“Next year, I’m going to raise ducks.”

The man said out of the blue.

The moment he heard the words ‘next year,’ Taeheun froze. It was a rude awakening.

“Next year?”

Anyone else would have likely asked, ‘Ducks?’ But Taeheun asked, ‘Next year?’ To him, next year was a future too far away, and the probability of him not being by the man’s side was high. The thought made his legs tremble. Not to mention, he felt his breath catch in his throat. It happened at the market earlier, and it was happening again.

“Yes. Next year, I’m going to raise ducks.”

The man didn’t seem to have noticed Taeheun’s change. His excited voice was proof of that.

Even though Taeheun hadn’t asked, he began to explain calmly why he had decided to raise ducks next year.

“This spring, a professor who teaches agriculture at the top university in our country came to town. The agricultural cooperative invited him, and at that time, he said that the future of agriculture lies in organic farming. He taught us about various organic farming methods, and there were so many fascinating things. Among them, the ducks were the most impressive. I haven’t heard of anyone doing it around here, but apparently, there are quite a few farms in Jeolla-do or Gyeongsang-do that have been doing it for several years now.”

The man explained, just as he had heard, the method of using ducks instead of spraying large amounts of pesticides to prevent weeds and pests. His voice was dreamlike.

“Not all of it, just going to try it out on a few hundred pyeong as a trial.”

He couldn’t see his expression, but he was surely full of anticipation.

“Why next year? You could do it this year, couldn’t you?”

Taeheun asked. His throat was so tight the words barely came out.

“It’s not my paddy this year, and I won’t have the time because I’ll be busy from now until fall. I’ll only be free after the harvest is over. Still, I plan to work on the chicken coop in my spare time. It’ll take a lot of effort and time to do it alone, so I figured I need to get it done in advance.”

“Why alone? I’m here too!”

Taeheun shouted.

The man flinched in surprise and turned around. His expression was hidden by the raincoat.

“Mr. Taeheun… you won’t be here.”

Even though he was right next to him, his words sounded strangely distant.

“Me? Why do you think that?”

He asked, as if demanding an explanation.

“Because Mr. Taeheun is someone who will be leaving soon….”

The man answered hesitantly.

For a moment, Taeheun trembled with fear. It was an emotion close to terror. The fact that he would not be by the man’s side had suddenly become a source of terror. It was true, and yet it was still terrifying. From the beginning, Taeheun was not someone who would stay for long. Nevertheless, the man’s words hurt. Would it kill him to say, even as an empty gesture, “Don’t go, I hope you stay with me for a long time”? He hated the man for being too honest.

“What if I don’t go?”

Taeheun pressed unreasonably. He barely held back his tears.

“If I don’t go, will you do it with me then?”

“……”

“Why aren’t you answering?”

“……”

“Mr. Gibeom, do you hate me?”

“…No.”

“Then? Are you still not into that kind of thing? Can you really not be with me?”

After asking, he felt he had asked something he shouldn’t have. Taeheun scratched his eyebrows relentlessly. He was so nervous that he bit at his short nails, which had nothing left to bite.

The man hesitated for a long while before opening his mouth.

“I don’t really know.”

As he said this, he cast his gaze far away, into the empty air. It was impossible to tell whether the man was looking at the rice paddy or the black sky.

“It’s not that I dislike you. To be honest, I like you, too.”

Taeheun felt a great sense of relief. At the man’s words that he liked him, his body, which had been stiff with tension, went limp.

“But I really don’t know. How to do it. I mean… being together. I’ve never done something like that, so I really don’t know.”

The man, though shy, confessed his feelings calmly.

The man likes me. He’s lived alone for so long that he didn’t know how to be with another person, especially someone he likes, which is why he’d been hesitating until now.

Taeheun, who should have been jumping for joy at the man’s words, which were as good as a confession, couldn’t do so. Even in this crucial moment, he was just scared because he couldn’t see the man’s face and expression. He was afraid that the man inside the raincoat might be an illusion, that the man might disappear, and it was driving him crazy.

Taeheun recalled the time he went to Seoul around the time of his own funeral. It was before he had realized he liked the man, but even then, he had felt a vague fear that he might disappear. Now, the fear was ten times, no, a hundred times greater, and it felt as real and vivid as reality itself.

The man is absent from the future Kim Taeheun’s side.

Kim Taeheun is not by the future man’s side.

The mere thought was so terrifying that Taeheun shuddered.

Fuck. This is scaring the shit out of me.

It was a kind of fear he had never felt before in his life. He was so scared he wanted to run away right then and there. He wanted to turn away from it. Even though the man had finally confessed that he liked him too, he was cowardly plotting his escape. At the same time, he was worried sick that the man might misunderstand his silence.

Taeheun finally mustered the courage to turn back to the man. The man was still looking straight ahead. His face was already hard to see, hidden by the raincoat, but with his back to the light, his expression was completely unreadable. He grew anxious. The thought that if he didn’t grab hold of him now, the man might disappear forever flashed through his mind.

He wanted to see. What kind of expression the man was making.

He wanted to feel. The man’s breath, the man’s skin.

Seized by a strong impulse, Taeheun walked right up to the man and stood facing him. The man, not expecting Taeheun to appear, flinched and took a step back.

He couldn’t stand the man moving away. He stretched out both arms and grabbed him. He held the mirage tightly in his hands.

“Stay close.”

Like now.

Taeheun said this as he gazed at the man.

The man’s eyes widened for a moment before he returned to his usual expression. His face was somewhat indifferent, calm.

I want to be with this man forever.

Taeheun took another step toward the man. With his arms held by Taeheun and the narrowness of the levee, the man couldn’t back away. Both the man and Taeheun were at a point where they would tumble over if they moved even half a step.

He could feel the man’s hot breath. It was dizzyingly sweet. His heart was pounding. If he just leaned in, it would be a kiss; if he just pulled him close, it would be a hug. They could possibly even do the deed right here. If he put his mind to it, anything seemed possible.

But Taeheun couldn’t do it. Before he had grabbed the man, he felt like he could do anything, but now that he was actually holding him, it felt awkward. His body tensed up instinctively, and he panicked, not knowing what to do. The thing was, he had never kissed a guy with a dick while sober, while in his right mind.

Who was it that impulsively bit the man’s lips, ear, and nape? Who was it that got hard because of the man? Who was it that hugged the man in the rain and moved his hips!

What a strange predicament.

In the end, Taeheun couldn’t bring his lips to the man’s, nor could he hug him. They just stood there facing each other in an awkward and uncomfortable position. Even the man’s breath, which had felt dizzyingly sweet, now felt uncomfortable. The more conscious he became of it, the more rigid his body grew. Even the fear he had felt just a moment ago completely vanished.

“Um….”

The man gently tried to pull his arms away, as if to say that was enough and to let go. Taeheun just twitched his lips at nothing and released his arms. He saw the man let out a sigh of relief. Or was it a sigh of disappointment?

Fuck. He couldn’t understand why he was acting so reserved all of a sudden. It wasn’t the first time he had stood face-to-face with the man. It was only two days ago that he was standing by the wall, smoking a cigarette together and trying to smoke the filter that the man’s lips and saliva had touched. He hadn’t been ignorant of the fact that the man had a dick back then.

But the moment he thought he wanted to kiss him properly, to hold him, everything went wrong. Even though it was clear that he loved the man.

“Motherfucker, you impotent bastard.”

He grabbed his head and cursed himself for letting the chance of a lifetime slip away. In the meantime, the man moved away.

The man walked along the narrow levee, checking the paddies on both sides. He occasionally stepped into a paddy to check the bowing rice stalks or pull out weeds, acting leisurely. He didn’t notice at all that he had moved away from him.

Taeheun stared blankly at the man. He looked so peaceful it was enough to make him jealous. His lust flared up again. He was like a contrary frog; he got angry at himself for acting this way every time he was away from the man.

He had thought only the man’s world was solid. He thought that if he could just shatter that, just break that calm and tranquil surface, everything would be smooth sailing. He had thought it was simple, not realizing his own world was even more solid.

As if living his whole life as a straight man was some kind of great achievement. Fuck. He spat out a curse. It was just a hug. A kiss. And yet his body had frozen up. He felt uncomfortable. If he was like this with a simple touch, could he even dare to enter the man’s world? He smiled bitterly.

Taeheun watched the man swimming leisurely through the fields and imagined himself diving in after him. But in the end, he couldn’t bring himself to approach the man and instead trudged off in the opposite direction.

His mind was a mess. Wasn’t the illusion not the man, but the fear he had felt? No. Maybe his feelings for the man and his horny body were all a mirage. Perhaps all of this was a dream, and he was still tied up in the Ilgwang Financial office. Maybe he was there, being consumed by the fishy smell, having a sweet dream.

The man moved further away.

The man would worry if he disappeared without a word, and even knowing that, he couldn’t stop. He walked aimlessly with nowhere to go. It was close to an escape, so he tried to get away as quickly as possible. The man, busy checking the rice paddies, didn’t notice Taeheun disappearing, and even if he had, he would have already been out of his sight.

How pathetic.

It was a misery of his own making.