BIA Ch. 104

“Isaiah.”

Was this also a hallucination? Isaiah couldn’t tell anymore. It seemed like a hallucination, it had to be, but to simply call it a hallucination, the strength of the arms holding him, the firm yet warm embrace, the faint scent of shower cologne, all felt too real.

But now it didn’t matter which it was. Or rather, it would be more accurate to say that he couldn’t stop regardless of which it was.

“…I did.”

Isaiah repeated the words he had just been muttering into his smartphone.

“I prayed, but why didn’t you answer….”

“Guess you weren’t desperate enough.”

Bran said with a smile in his voice. It was that annoying tone that finally made Isaiah certain. This wasn’t a hallucination. A hallucination wouldn’t be able to say such irritating things. If it was a hallucination he had created, it should at least say what he wanted to hear.

“Ugh…!”

Isaiah pushed against Bran’s chest, angry. Bran hugged Isaiah, who was struggling to get out of his arms, even tighter and belatedly apologized.

“Sorry, I was joking.”

His heart melted at the gentle tone, like he was soothing a child, more than the words of apology he was hearing for the first time.

“Sorry, Isaiah.”

His chest felt like it was burning. Tears burst out like a dam had broken. All he needed was one word of it’s okay, but he couldn’t possibly say it. Unlike his heart, useless words kept pouring out of his mouth.

“I, I’ve never been this desperate before. Because before, I never waited at all. I, I alone, it always ended with just my own thoughts. I never wished for a response, and of course, salvation, ha, once was enough, for me, that salvation had already been achieved long ago, I was already saved back then, I didn’t need more, I could have lived my whole life on the memory of that time……”

“Yeah, yeah.”

A large hand gently stroked the back of his head. He didn’t know why the gentle touch only made his chest feel tighter and his tears pour out even more. Was this because of the drugs? Yeah, maybe that’s it. A long time ago, the rehabilitation doctor at the center had said so. The reason you can’t control your emotions is because your limbic system is damaged. The reason you often feel dazed, and then occasionally get caught up in uncontrollable impulses, is because of damage to your frontal lobe. So it’s not your fault, it’s something you can’t help. That’s right, this wasn’t his fault.

Rather, it was Bran’s fault. Yes, this was all Bran’s fault. If he had answered the call, he would have known that something was wrong. What was he hoping for by coming all the way here? If he was going to do that, he shouldn’t have just left him alone. No, in the first place, he shouldn’t have given him that smartphone. No, no, even before that. He shouldn’t have paid any attention to him in the first place. He shouldn’t have talked to him, shouldn’t have looked at him. It would have been better to pretend he didn’t know him. That would have been enough. That time was actually happier.

“To me, God, Yahweh, that’s what it is.”

Even while in Bran’s arms, Isaiah desperately clutched at his shirt. He sobbed, panting heavily, clinging to his chest over and over.

“I just had to believe in myself, I just had to rely on you by myself. Then I wouldn’t have been afraid of anything, I could have been saved by myself countless times… you, you ruined it all.”

“Saving yourself alone isn’t salvation.”

The hand stroking the back of his head became even gentler.

“That’s just masturbation.”

With a voice as kind as could be, the man completely denied his twenty-odd years of faith. But now it didn’t matter. He was going to quit anyway, so what did it matter what anyone said. Isaiah didn’t want to have his faith acknowledged anymore. And actually, Bran wasn’t wrong. He was the only one who was happy, he was the only one who knew, he was the only one who was consumed, and in the end, he was the only one who felt empty, if this wasn’t masturbation then what was it?

“That’s right, so I’m going to quit.”

Isaiah pushed Bran away with all his might.

“Quit what?”

“Me busting my balls masturbating alone!”

Barely escaping Bran’s arms, Isaiah staggered towards the window. Wiping away tears with one hand, he unleashed a torrent of resentful words.

“It was better when I didn’t know I was alone. It was better when I didn’t know I was lonely! But, but now it’s ruined. You ruined it all.”

He knew it wasn’t Bran’s fault, but he couldn’t stop. It was like right after a mission was over. Like all the emotions he had suppressed while working were exploding, all the feelings he had been ignoring were rushing in at once. And that was twenty years’ worth. It was no wonder he couldn’t handle it himself.

To calm himself down somehow, Isaiah opened the window wider. He sat on the windowsill, avoiding the bench rest, and the cool air touched his back. The November night wind was so cold it chilled him to the bone. Maybe it felt that way because he had been in Bran’s arms until just now. Bran’s embrace had been warm.

Maybe every time the cold air touched his skin during the coming winter, he would have the same thought.

Isaiah had already lost himself. He could only feel admiration for the lighthouse keeper who had endured this terrible pain for a month.

“I can’t endure it.”

Isaiah hung his head low. Tears fell onto his thighs without a chance to stop them.

“I’ll probably die much sooner, I will.”

“What are you talking about again?”

Bran clicked his tongue quietly.

“You don’t need to know.”

“I get it, so get down from there first.”

Bran said softly. Isaiah didn’t answer. Bran stared at Isaiah quietly, then sighed and approached. Isaiah roughly shook off Bran’s hand that was grabbing him.

“Let go.”

“Get down and we’ll talk. It’s dangerous.”

As soon as he shook him off, his arm was grabbed again. The grip was stronger than before. Isaiah frowned, repeating only to let go.

“Let go, you fucker. You make it more dangerous.”

“I get it, so get down.”

“Let go first…”

“I get it, so get down!”

Bran raised his voice, which was rare. When Isaiah, surprised, stared at him with wide eyes, Bran took the opportunity to yank Isaiah’s arm and forcibly pull him down from the windowsill.

“Bran!”

Isaiah, who had been hugged by Bran again, was about to shout in confusion asking why he was doing this when it happened. Without warning, their lips met. His tongue didn’t enter. He just roughly bit down on his lower lip and bit hard on his upper lip. It was a savage kiss, like he was going to tear him apart.

“Hah…, ungh….”

He couldn’t even say it hurt at that violent force, and he swallowed all the groans that naturally leaked out, only repeating shallow breaths in and out through his nose. Even that was too much, and just as his mind was turning white from oxygen deprivation, Bran released his lips. He looked at Isaiah’s lips, which were a mess and swollen, but instead of apologizing, he roughly rubbed the broken spot with his thumb and said.

“If you want to kiss me, then act up again.”

“……”

“Try climbing on the window again.”

Unlike his voice, which had sunk to the depths, his eyes were shining redder than ever before. It was because the conjunctiva, which was always pure white and clean, was completely bloodshot. Isaiah was too surprised to say anything. It was the first time he had seen Bran this angry. He had felt a hint of anger in Grace’s greenhouse a few days ago, but at that time… at that time, he hadn’t been this pale.

“I don’t care if you’re angry at me. You can curse at me, you can hit me. But don’t do anything that’s dangerous for you.”

Got it? Bran pressed his thumb firmly on Isaiah’s lips.

“I’m saying don’t threaten me with your safety.”

Only then did Isaiah realize that Bran had completely misunderstood. Well, he had been sitting on the windowsill while saying he was going to quit everything. The timing was too coincidental.

“Answer me.”

He wanted to tell him that it wasn’t like that, but he couldn’t open his mouth at all. He felt like he was suffocating from the unfamiliar pressure. His whole body was stiff and he couldn’t even move his head. All he could do was swallow dryly. His Adam’s apple moved up and down greatly, and whether he took that as an answer or not, Bran removed his hand that had been pressing on Isaiah’s lips.

Bran grabbed Isaiah’s wrist and left the office, heading straight for the elevator. He didn’t say a word while going down to the underground parking lot. And as soon as he got into the car, he said to Isaiah in the passenger seat.

“Fasten your seatbelt.”

Isaiah was about to say something about why he was suddenly treating him like a child, but he closed his mouth. It was a delusion or something, but it seemed like Bran’s hand on the steering wheel was trembling slightly.

No, he must have seen it wrong. Isaiah quickly turned his head. Or maybe it was a matter of timing. It was right after he started the engine. Maybe the vibration of the engine made it look like his hand on the steering wheel was trembling.

Yeah, maybe that’s it. He said to himself as he fastened his seatbelt, but this time his own hand was trembling. His heart, which had finally started to calm down, began to pound again.