CCS Ch 19

The rest of the trip passed peacefully, but Semin would occasionally freeze, his expression hardening as he dwelled on insignificant words, or flinch, startled by casual touches. Each time, Yooho smoothly changed the subject without comment, easing the tension. However, these small regrets accumulated, and the resulting stress and fatigue finally overwhelmed Semin when he returned home.

Seeing Semin buried in his bed, unable to move a finger, Sungmin clicked his tongue. “I told you not to overdo it.” His reprimand was light because Semin didn’t have a fever.

“You spent two nights and three days with that energetic guy, so it’s understandable. Get some rest today.”

Semin nodded and, after Sungmin left, secretly picked up his phone. There was a message from Yooho saying he had arrived home safely. After a moment of thought, Semin added a waving puppy emoticon and typed a reply.

[7:30 PM I’m going to shower and rest too! Are you all set for moving into the village?]

Even at the very end of their trip, Yooho had remained calm and collected, as if nothing had happened. Semin was relieved by his mature response, but a lingering unease remained.

[Nothing much to prepare. Just packing a few clothes. 7:32 PM]

[You looked tired. Are you feeling okay? 7:33 PM]

[7:33 PM Of course! I feel perfectly fine!]

As soon as he sent the confident reply, he coughed. Semin paused, covering his throat with one hand. It felt slightly sore.

“…….”

He remembered sitting in the cold bathroom in his robe, but he quickly shook off the thought. It was probably just a slight cold. Even if he did get sick, it didn’t matter right now. Yooho was moving into the athletes’ village tomorrow anyway.

He exchanged a few more meaningless messages with Yooho before drowsiness overtook him. He sent a hasty goodnight and closed his eyes, drifting off to sleep. His tense muscles finally relaxed. He was grateful for the long, dreamless sleep he hadn’t had in a while.

* * *

When he woke up, the sun was high in the sky. He reached for his phone. As expected, the first thing he saw was a message from Yooho.

[10:15 AM Someone’s throwing a fit because I left my uniform behind, so I’m just now leaving.]

[I told you not to come see me off because I thought I’d be leaving early… I should have seen your face one more time. 10:16 AM]

[How can someone pack for the village and forget their uniform? 10:17 AM]

Semin chuckled at the messages, which were laced with mild annoyance. He typed a reply, still lying in bed.

[11:20 AM It’s the first time I’ve seen you send a message this late, Sir.]

[11:20 AM It’s amazing >:D]

He figured it would take a while to get a reply. He was about to get up and wash his face when his phone vibrated.

[>:D What is this? 11:21 AM]

The fact that they could exchange messages in real-time at this hour was not only amazing but also touching. Semin grinned and quickly replied.

[11:22 AM It’s a smiley face.]

[11:22 AM Rotate it 90 degrees clockwise.]

His phone rang again. It was a video call from Yooho. Startled, Semin jumped out of bed and ran to the dressing room. His reflection in the mirror was, as expected, a mess. His hair was sticking up in every direction, and his face was puffy from sleep. He frantically tried to smooth down his hair when the call ended and a message popped up.

[Answer quickly. 11:24 AM]

There was no avoiding it now. Semin reluctantly answered the incoming call.

“Hello…”

―Why didn’t you answer? Were you with another guy?

Yooho grinned and waved from the screen. He was sitting down, presumably on a bus. Semin grimaced, rubbing his face.

“No, it’s just that I look like this…”

―Look like what? You look handsome.

“Let me at least wash my face…”

―I don’t have time right now. Everyone’s at the rest stop, and I’m the only one on the bus.

Ah, the rest stop. Semin sat down on the bed, understanding. The screen brightened as he moved closer to the window, and Yooho smiled.

―It doesn’t look the same.

“Sir?”

―The emoticon you sent was smiling brightly. Did you send it with that grumpy face?

“My face is swollen…”

Yooho chuckled, saying, “Is that so?” Come to think of it, this was their first video call. Seeing each other through the small screen made the intimacy they had shared just yesterday feel like a distant dream. The mistake he had made, the misery he had felt, faded away, replaced by a deep, aching longing.

“Sir… I…”

―Yes?

“I miss you already…”

He murmured softly, and Yooho chuckled.

―Me too.

“……”

―I’ll call you whenever I can.

“…Okay, Sir.”

“Bye,” Yooho whispered affectionately, waving again. Semin waved back. He was glad he could at least see Yooho’s face. It wasn’t as good as seeing him in person, but it was much better than just talking on the phone.

Yooho really did call him whenever he could. His schedule seemed even less hectic than before he moved into the village. He said it would get busier again once the adjustment period was over, but since they were video calling three or four times a day, Semin wasn’t as stressed as he had expected.

Nevertheless, the days without Hyun Yooho felt incredibly long. Aside from his language tutoring and light workouts, he had nothing resembling a schedule.

‘What do other people do…?’

Since dropping out of middle school, he hadn’t had any contact with his peers, so he had no idea. He picked up his phone, thinking. He suddenly remembered his niece, who was about to become a college entrance exam student.

His eldest brother had two children, and the older one was two years younger than Semin. They had played together often when they were young, but after his niece went abroad to study and Semin became a recluse, they only saw each other during holidays. He wasn’t sure if her number was still the same, but he called it, and a cheerful voice answered after a few rings.

―Uncle! What’s up?

It was a welcoming greeting, just like the last time they met. Relieved, Semin cleared his throat.

“Oh, hi, Sumin… How are you?”

―I’m doing great. Perfect timing, Uncle. Listen, can you give me some allowance?

“Allowance?”

―Well, Dad cut off my card because I spent too much. But it’s not really my fault, you know? Mom forgot to send the living expenses, so I used my allowance card in a pinch.

“Uh-huh.”

―Dad freaked out when he saw the amount and yelled at me for spending recklessly, then cut off my card. Mom told him it was for living expenses, but he’s too embarrassed to admit he was wrong, so he’s ignoring her. I’ve been starving since last night!

“Oh no, you have to eat…”

―Right? You think I’m pitiful, don’t you, Uncle?

“Yes, I’ll send you some money right away. Go eat something delicious.”

―Yay!

But how much allowance should a high school student get? It was a difficult question for Semin, who had always lived at home. As he pondered, his niece asked cheerfully,

―But Uncle, why did you call all of a sudden? Did something happen?

“No, nothing happened… I was just wondering how you were doing.”

―Me? I’m busy volunteering for my essay. My teacher recommended it because I messed up my ninth-grade grades and need to make up for it. I’m making audiobooks for the visually impaired. But seriously, it’s so hot I’m dying. Is it hot in Korea too?

He didn’t understand what she meant by the essay, but she seemed busy anyway. Semin nodded, saying, “I see. It is hot in Korea too.”

―What about you, Uncle? What have you been up to?

His niece’s question hit a nerve. Semin hesitated, then mumbled,

“I’m… trying to figure out what to do…”

―Ahahaha, really?

“…Yes.”

―Aren’t you going to college? Usually, when people are trying to figure out what to do, they go to college.

“…….”

College. Semin blinked slowly at his young niece’s unexpected suggestion. Come to think of it, both Joseph and Sanggu had mentioned college.

“Where… are you planning to go to college?”

―I’m aiming high, but my grades aren’t great, so I’m not sure. Hey, why don’t you come to the US, Uncle? We can study together and figure things out.

“…….”

―If you tell Grandma you want to study abroad with me, I bet she’ll let you. I’ll help you a lot.

He felt a surge of excitement listening to her confident voice, but Semin quickly came to his senses. Studying abroad was out of the question.

“No, studying abroad is… I’ll stay in Korea.”

―Why? It’ll be fun to study with me. I have a lot of friends here.

“Anyway, studying abroad is not an option right now. I’ll send you the allowance. Contact me again if you need anything.”

―Really? Love you, Uncle!

They chatted for a while longer before hanging up. It was already dark outside. Semin sighed, sinking into his chair. He thought it was probably the first time he had ever called his niece first.

“College…”

Even if he did go, what would he study? Photography was the first thing that came to mind, but he felt ambivalent. For Semin, photography was inextricably linked to Yooho.

‘How about becoming an art director?’

Sanggu’s words suddenly came to mind.

“…….”

Semin picked up his phone again. There was something he needed to check first. What exactly was an art director anyway?

* * *

“Yooho, let’s stop here for today.”

Myunghoon, shaking his water bottle, slowed down the treadmill. Yooho nodded, catching his breath. As he stepped off, sweat dripped from his body.

“How many tickets do you need for the competition? I heard they can’t give out that many family seats this time because the spectator area is small.”

“One.”

“One? Why? Can’t your mom or dad come?”

“My parents aren’t coming. They both have to work that day.”

Myunghoon’s jaw dropped at Yooho’s nonchalant explanation.

“Wow, your parents are really consistent… Is your grandmother coming then?”

“My grandmother can’t come. She’s having trouble walking these days, so it’s hard for her to travel to the mainland.”

“Then who did you invite?”

Yooho started stretching without answering. Myunghoon clasped his hands together, his eyes full of anticipation.

“Is it Doa Noona?”

“In your dreams.”

“Then who is it?”

“Just get me a good seat.”

As if I’m the one assigning seats… Myunghoon grumbled, then hurriedly followed Yooho as he headed out of the weight room.

“Hey, Hyun.”

“What now?”

“I saw Taejin Lee earlier while I was eating.”

Taejin Lee who? Yooho asked absently, wrapping a towel around his neck. His body was already cooling down from the dripping sweat.

“Taejin Lee, you know, your coach from two years ago…”

“…Ah, that Taejin Lee.”

He had always called him “Coach,” so he had long forgotten his name. Yooho stopped walking and tilted his head.

“So?”

“He seems to be here as staff for another athlete. I just wanted to give you a heads-up, in case you run into him. So you don’t get surprised.”

“Why would I be surprised? We’re all in the same business. We’re bound to run into each other somewhere.”

Yooho chuckled, and Myunghoon trailed off, saying, “Still…”

“What if he tries to mess with you? The athlete he’s coaching is also a 1500m swimmer. Knowing his personality, he might try to pull something to give his athlete an advantage.”

“He’s not that stupid.”

Myunghoon sighed heavily.

“I know you still have some lingering feelings for Taejin Lee, but…”

“What are you talking about? I don’t.”

“Then what do you mean?”

“I mean he’s not stupid enough to think that messing with my mental state will somehow make his athlete win.”

I have that much faith in him. We worked together for years, after all. Yooho shrugged, and Myunghoon scratched his head, speechless. Yooho tossed his towel into the laundry bin and waved his hand dismissively.

“Anyway, go ahead. I’m going to make a call.”

“Again? Who are you always calling these days?”

As always, Yooho didn’t answer. He entered the lounge, ignoring the curious glances, and called Semin. Semin answered cheerfully.

―Sir! Why aren’t you video calling?

Yooho chuckled at Semin’s affectionate tone.

“Sorry, I’m still outside.”

―Oh, I see. It is that time.

“What were you doing? Did you have dinner?”

―Of course. I was… researching something.

“Researching what?”

Yooho paused mid-smile. He felt a slight sense of unease.

―Hmm… it’s a secret. I’ll tell you later. I’m not sure how it’ll turn out yet, because…

“Semin, hold on.”

The cheerful chatter continued, and the unease grew stronger. Yooho paused, then asked cautiously,

“Are you catching a cold?”

―No? I’m fine.

“Your voice sounds a little strange…”

It wasn’t drastically different, but there was definitely a difference from the voice he had become accustomed to through their frequent calls. He tilted his head, and Semin asked in confusion,

―My voice? I think it sounds the same as usual…?

“Really?”

―Maybe it’s because it’s been a while since we’ve just talked on the phone, instead of video calling?

“Hmm… maybe.”

It still sounded strangely hoarse. He was worried, but if Semin said he was fine, he had no choice but to believe him. Yooho sat down on the windowsill, changing the subject.

“Are you coming to all my races?”

―Of course! I’m looking forward to it. I even bought the lens that Sanggu recommended…

Semin’s excited chatter was interrupted by a cough. Yooho narrowed his eyes and asked,

“What’s wrong?”

―N-nothing, Sir. I choked…

This time, a series of harsh coughs followed. The sound was distant, as if he had moved the phone away from his mouth.

“Semin…”

―S-sorry, Sir. I was talking too fast and choked.

“…….”

―Anyway, I’ll definitely be there. How’s your training going, Sir? Is everything okay? Is anyone giving you a hard time out of jealousy?

Semin’s voice was now completely hoarse, but his tone remained strangely high and cheerful. Yooho sighed and said gently,

“I think you might be catching a cold. You should hang up and rest.”

―No, I’m not…

“Or maybe not, but get some rest today. I’ll text you after I finish cooling down.”

Semin sounded disappointed, but he agreed. Yooho said a quick goodbye and put his phone in his pocket. He sighed, turning his head, and his muscles ached.

It had been almost a month since he moved into the athletes’ village. The competition was a month away. It had been a while since his last international competition due to his shoulder injury.

Despite that, he wasn’t nervous or worried. Looking at the entry list, his victory in the 1500m was almost certain, and there was a good chance he could win two gold medals if he also won the 400m. Swimming, being an individual sport, was relatively predictable. Even without prior data, the preliminary results in the morning usually gave a clear indication of the final rankings in the afternoon.

“…….”

Is that why it’s not popular? Yooho pondered, narrowing his eyes. Time trials were inherently less exciting to watch than head-to-head races. Thrilling comebacks and unexpected miracles were more likely to happen in team sports like soccer or baseball, or in combat sports.

‘There are only three types of people who watch swimming. One, the athletes’ families. Two, members of swimming clubs. Three, when there’s a Korean athlete who might win an Olympic medal.’

Those were the words of his former coach, Taejin Lee, before the last Olympics. He had convinced Yooho, who had expressed concerns about a severe shoulder injury, that he could endure until the competition as long as his pain was managed.

‘Yooho, the Olympics are only every four years. You’ll be twenty-six by the next Olympics, and you’ll never be in better shape than you are now. This year is when your physical and technical skills are at their peak. You can’t miss this opportunity.’

At the time, it had seemed like the right thing to do. An Olympic medal was every athlete’s dream, twenty-two was the prime age for a swimmer, and as his coach had said, every athlete had injuries. Giving up on the Olympics because of an injury might have been foolish.

‘I’m not forcing you. It’s your choice. What are you going to do?’

Now, Yooho wondered, was it really a choice?

“…….”

He had simply gone along with what he wanted most.

These distracting thoughts meant his focus was slipping. He ran a hand through his hair and stood up. He didn’t have time to dwell on the past. The competition was just around the corner, and he was also worried about Semin, who had been acting strange.

‘He was acting strange even before the trip.’

What was he so anxious about? Yooho thought back to the beginning of their trip. The failed sex wasn’t the issue. He remembered Semin biting his tongue and avoiding his gaze several times. He seemed to have something to say, so Yooho waited patiently, but Semin never spoke.

‘He was so down during the entire trip, and then he suddenly cheered up as soon as I moved into the village.’

Even though Semin was acting as if nothing was wrong, everything felt off. Yooho, who had been standing with his arms crossed, shook his head and started walking.

It was better to push aside worries that he couldn’t immediately resolve. They could talk things out after the competition. As he left the small lounge, he cleared his mind of the lingering thoughts.

* * *

[By the way, what were you researching? 7:33 AM]

Semin hummed as he read the message that had arrived as soon as he woke up. He was eager to tell Yooho, but he was also worried about getting his hopes up if it didn’t work out.

[10:50 AM I’ll tell you after your competition, Sir!]

He deflected the question and got out of bed. The daytime temperatures were hitting record highs. He put on a short-sleeved t-shirt and thin cotton pants, then coughed. The nagging cough was getting more frequent.

‘Is it because of the air conditioner…?’

He coughed again and hurried out of the house. He had to leave early because of traffic.

“If your ultimate goal is to become an art director, majoring in design is advantageous. If you’re thinking about applying this year, it’ll be difficult to get into a program with a practical skills exam at this point. If you’re open to two-year programs, there are some schools that accept applications without a practical skills portfolio.”

The consultant’s clear explanations were punctuated by the rhythmic clicking of her mouse. Semin nodded absently, looking down at the piles of university admission information on the desk. He had come here thinking it would be best to get information from an expert, but now he was overwhelmed by the flood of information.

“If your financial situation allows, it might be better to go to a fashion design school abroad.”

“I’m sorry? No, I’m not considering going abroad at all.”

“Why not? Are you worried about your English? It’s okay. Once you’re there, you’ll find communities of people who aren’t fluent.”

“Well…”

“You can still study even if you’re not fluent. Don’t be too scared.”

He couldn’t get a word in edgewise. Semin had to endure a lengthy lecture on the advantages of going to a foreign university for art before he could finally escape. The consultant stood up as soon as their session ended, dismissing him with a brief goodbye.

“This is no joke…”

Semin stepped out of the building, shaking his head. It was scorching outside, but his body was chilled from sitting in the strong air conditioning for an hour. He coughed, covering his mouth with his hand, and walked slowly.

Should I just give up? He started to think that he had been overly ambitious. At least he realized it now and could save his time and money, even if it meant today’s consultation fee had been a waste.

“I thought I could do it because everyone else was doing it…”

He muttered dejectedly, sighing deeply. The Gangnam academy district was crowded with people hurrying along with large bags. The sight made his chest ache for some reason.

“…….”

Let’s go home. I’ll think about it more there. He gave up and looked up to find a taxi stand.

“…Huh?”

One of his feet sank as if he had stepped into quicksand. His vision spun, and a sharp pain shot through his head. He realized he was falling and managed to catch himself with his hands on the scorching pavement. He tried to stand up, but his legs were wobbly.

“Excuse me, are you alright?”

A passerby approached him, their voice full of concern, and a wave of heat and sweat washed over Semin. He grabbed the outstretched hand and managed to stand up. He thanked the stranger weakly and fumbled for his phone. What was this? Before he could dwell on the ominous question, another wave of dizziness hit him. He used the last of his strength to call home, then collapsed again, feeling like he was melting into the burning pavement.

“It’s alright. You just got a bit overheated.”

The housekeeper, Mr. Kim, placed a cool, wet towel on his forehead, his voice calm and reassuring. Semin lay in bed, his eyes moving weakly, a questioning look in them. The old man seemed to understand, speaking softly,

“The AC is strong inside, and it’s hot outside, so your body temperature is fluctuating, which is making you dizzy. You’ll be fine after some rest.”

Is that so? Is this something trivial and normal? Semin parted his dry lips and asked in a raspy voice,

“Does this happen to everyone?”

“…It happens to a lot of people.”

The hesitant reply wasn’t very comforting. Semin closed his eyes, trying to quell the lingering dizziness.

How long was he outside? It couldn’t have been more than ten minutes, and he couldn’t even handle that.

‘College, my foot…’

He couldn’t even handle a single consultation session, and he was already in this state. Semin closed his eyes weakly. He felt like he had been thrown into a deep swamp. He was disappointed in himself, but at the same time, he was surprised and weary that there was still room for further disappointment.

He spent the next few days mostly in bed. He felt vaguely unwell and couldn’t bring himself to get up. Thankfully, Yooho’s training schedule had intensified, so their contact had become less frequent.

“You sent Sumin some allowance, right?”

Sungmin asked abruptly as he came home Friday night. Semin, half-asleep, only registered his words a moment later, then sat up groggily.

“Uh, yeah… She said her brother didn’t give her any allowance, and she hadn’t eaten dinner…”

“Unbelievable. She pulled the same trick on four people.”

“……?”

“Your older brother, your sister, me, and you. She got two hundred dollars from each of us. She’s a clever one.”

Semin gasped, then chuckled. “She is clever and sweet.”

“Your eldest brother is the only one who’s been played. He still doesn’t know.”

“She has to eat…”

“Right, growing teenagers need to eat well. Just like our Semin.”

“…….”

“The housekeeper said you haven’t eaten anything today. He’s worried sick about you.”

Sungmin sat down next to him and placed a hand on Semin’s forehead. He checked his temperature, then tilted his head.

“You don’t have a fever.”

“I just don’t feel well.”

“Your cough hasn’t gone away either? If you’re still like this tomorrow, let’s go to the hospital.”

Semin nodded reluctantly. Yooho’s competition was just two weeks away. The thought of having to manage his condition beforehand gave him the strength to move.

* * *

“Your lungs don’t sound good. You should get them checked at your regular hospital.”

Semin’s eyes widened. He had come to a nearby clinic, expecting to be told he had a mild cold. He hadn’t felt well, but he hadn’t noticed anything seriously wrong, so this was unexpected.

“It’s rare, but you can have pneumonia even without a fever. You’ll be fine if you get tested and treated early.”

“Pneumonia? That’s not…”

He started to deny it, but a cough interrupted him. His voice was also hoarser. The doctor sighed, as if to say, “See?”

“I’ll prescribe some cough medicine for now, but please get a proper checkup. Your lungs aren’t usually in good condition, are they?”

“…Yes.”

“You have to be more careful and manage your health. If you want to live like other people.”

Be more careful and manage your health…

“…….”

If you want to live like other people.

“…Yes, thank you, doctor.”

Regret washed over him with every step he took away from the hospital. The thoughtless gift he had given Yooho, his foolish attempt at sex, going to a consultation alone on such a hot day – it all came crashing down on him, and his mood plummeted.

Seeking shelter from the scorching sun under the awning of a building, Semin stared at the gleaming white pavement and wondered, what did it mean to live like other people?

Was it even possible for him?

A pang of sadness hit him, his nose stinging. He looked up and took a deep breath.

‘It’ll all be better when I’m an adult.’

Semin’s first memory was of a hospital bed. Whenever he was exhausted from the pain of treatment and drifted off to sleep, Mr. Kim would stroke his hair and say those same words. That was what kept him going. He believed those words. He believed that when he became an adult, he would be healthy like everyone else, for no reason at all.

But becoming an adult was simply the process of realizing that nothing changed just because you got older. Maybe I’ll live like this until the day I die. Never getting healthy, never getting strong enough to overcome this despair on my own…

‘The you that I experienced…’

He closed his eyes, hiding his dry, aching eyes beneath his eyelids, and a familiar voice echoed in his mind.

‘…is an unusually resilient person.’

Were those words truly sincere?

As if sensing his pessimistic thoughts, his phone rang. He glanced at the screen and his eyes widened. It was a call from Yooho. He reached to answer, then froze. He opened his mouth, and his voice cracked. He cleared his throat repeatedly, but it only got worse. As he stood there, fidgeting, the call ended, and a message popped up.

[Can’t you answer the phone right now? 12:10 PM]

He wanted to call back immediately. He suppressed the urge and quickly typed a reply.

[12:10 PM Sorry, I’m having lunch with my family.]

The lie came easily, perhaps because he was typing it instead of saying it aloud. Fortunately, Yooho didn’t seem suspicious.

[I see. 12:11 PM]

[I’ll call you later. 12:11 PM]

Okay! His reply seemed too short, so he added a bunch of emoticons, but Yooho didn’t respond. Semin clutched his phone and walked towards a waiting taxi.

* * *

“…Is today a weekday?”

Yooho muttered to himself, and Myunghoon, who had been shoveling food into his mouth, looked up, confused.

“It is… It’s Wednesday.”

“…….”

“Why?”

Having lunch with his whole family on a Wednesday.

“Why would he tell such an obvious lie…?”

Of course, there was a slight possibility that Semin had gone to Yooho’s workplace for lunch. As Yooho pondered, Myunghoon asked again,

“Why? Did someone say it’s the weekend?”

“…It’s nothing.”

“Oh, speaking of lies… that athlete Taejin Lee is coaching, he got kicked out of the village for bringing in banned substances.”

Yooho sighed. It was a story he heard often during major competitions. He shook his head and asked,

“He got kicked out just for possessing them, not even for using them?”

“Rumor has it he got caught trying to put them in someone else’s water bottle. Trying to sabotage someone.”

“…….”

“What do you think? Do you think the athlete acted alone?”

Myunghoon asked, his eyes narrowed with suspicion. Yooho looked down, saying, “I don’t know.”

“Hyun, I’m telling you again, don’t ever eat or drink anything anyone gives you. Got it?”

“…….”

“Why aren’t you answering? You’re making me nervous.”

“No, I won’t, but…”

He was just puzzled. Was a medal something worth obtaining by any means necessary?

He no longer cared about meaningless provocations and insults disguised as psychological warfare. But he was disgusted by the mindset that any means were justified to achieve a goal.

When he felt overwhelmed, he wanted to hear Semin’s voice. He sighed wistfully.

‘Mental care is ultimately up to the individual…’

But he couldn’t help wanting to rely on the safe haven he had found. He pulled himself together and stood up. He could try calling Semin again after his afternoon training session.