CCS Ch 9

“…….”

“I heard you wanted to meet me and that you’d be here. I wasn’t sure, but you really came.”

“Why are you doing this?”

The question flowed out like a sigh. Joseph stared at Semin and then shrugged his shoulders. He didn’t seem to be in a state for reasonable conversation. Semin looked behind him and let out a faint sigh.

“Let’s talk later. If you stay here, you’ll disturb the athletes…”

“Really? But why did you come here?”

“…….”

“Don’t you go around taking photos of swimmers? Why? Are you in the photography department?”

“Joseph.”

“Am I wrong? Then what department? Did you miss our meeting last time because you were taking photos?”

By now, Semin understood the intention behind these rapid-fire questions. There was something else Joseph really wanted to say. Semin quietly faced his old friend.

“Joseph, why are you acting like this?”

“I’m just curious. I want to know what schedule is so important that you can’t even meet me.”

“Whatever schedule it is, it’s more important than you.”

Semin, who had inadvertently snapped back, flinched at his own words. It was the first time he had spoken so coldly to someone else. Wondering if he had gone too far, he moistened his dry lips, but Joseph laughed as if nothing had happened.

“Oh, what are you saying? Usually, meeting friends is important, not going around taking pictures of people you see on TV.”

“…….”

“Your mother told me. You’re following that Hyun-something guy, right? Do I not look upset? You abandon your old friend and follow some celebrity who doesn’t even know who you are…”

“Semin.”

Above the ringing in his ears that was rising gradually, like being continuously drummed on the eardrum with a drumstick, a low and powerful voice settled heavily, like a densely woven carpet. When he forcibly turned his stiff neck, he saw a towering figure like a mountain between the doors of the gymnasium. Though darkened by shadow, his gentle yet firm gaze was clear.

“What are you doing here? Why aren’t you coming in?”

Joseph was even shorter than Semin. As a result, Yooho, who appeared between them, seemed much more massive than usual. With his tall stature that made the door look small, broad shoulders stretching straight across, and upright posture, he exuded an intimidating presence that was constricting just to look at.

“Friend?”

Looking back and forth between Joseph and Semin, who had both frozen without saying a word, he asked Joseph with a gesture of his chin. Semin, who had only been blinking, belatedly shook his head.

“No…”

“Then why are you standing like that? Come here.”

A large hand that had emerged from his jersey pocket beckoned to Semin. As Semin moved like someone in a trance, the soles of his sneakers made a squeaking sound as they scraped against the terrazzo floor. The sharp friction sound snapped Joseph back to his senses, and his lips opened wide.

“Ah, so you two are close!”

He exclaimed as he turned around abruptly and extended his right hand toward Yooho. Yooho glanced at the hand positioned lower than his waist and asked in his usual tone.

“Who are you?”

His expression seemed calm at first glance, but there was no warmth in his voice. Joseph smiled broadly, seemingly not minding at all.

“You’re Swimmer Hyun Yooho, right? I’m Semin’s childhood friend…”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t have time right now. It would be better if we greeted each other later.”

“…Pardon? Ah…”

“Goodbye.”

After politely saying farewell, word by word until the end, Yooho put his arm around Semin’s shoulders. Semin was startled by the solid arm suddenly covering the back of his neck and took a shallow breath. Even though Yooho wasn’t putting any weight on him, his arm covered in thick muscles felt heavy enough to make Semin momentarily stagger.

Yooho, with Semin tucked tightly against his side, headed deeper into the gymnasium. As Semin hurried to keep up with his quick pace, he belatedly heard Joseph’s voice.

“I’ll call you, Semin!”

He instinctively tried to look back, but Yooho’s arm prevented it. Finally, after crossing the gymnasium corridor for quite some time, he was able to release the breath that had risen up to his neck. Yooho sat Semin, who was panting, on a bench and crouched down in front of him.

“Are you okay?”

“…Yeah.”

“Who was that? I could hear his voice all the way down the corridor.”

Strong hands covered both of Semin’s knees. Semin bit his trembling lower lip slightly and then released it.

“I’m sorry for the disturbance…”

As he mumbled in a shrinking voice, Yooho exhaled through his nose with a “hmm.”

“Why are you sorry when you weren’t the one making noise?”

“…”

“Hmm? Kang Semin.”

Semin firmly bit his lower lip. Yooho tilted his face slightly to the side and smiled mischievously.

“By the way, I’ve been calling you by your name—is that okay?”

“Yes… What?”

“I’m asking if it’s okay if I call you Semin.”

“What? Oh, um…”

Only after a silence like thick mud did Semin’s face turn bright red as he processed what had been said. “Semin,” “Kang Semin.” It was embarrassing, as if his dream from last night had been discovered.

“…Ah.”

His eyes met Yooho’s, who was looking up at him while seated. Eyes with slightly drooping outer corners, clear focus with bright light suddenly leaped into his consciousness. With a start, his nape tightened and his ribcage expanded. His heart jumped with a thump, and sour saliva flowed under his tongue.

“Yes, it’s… it’s fine…”

The pulse racing below his earlobes was loud. When he pressed the back of his hand against his heated cheek, Yooho’s hand wrapped around his elbow.

“Tell me if you don’t like it. I won’t do it.”

The large, warm hand gently moved up his arm. Even through the thick cotton of his hoodie, he could clearly feel the firm palm. His thumb pressed against his shoulder, and the fingertips that broadly wrapped around his forearm burrowed all the way to his armpit.

“No, no…”

A light goosebump rose from the tender flesh of his inner arm to the nape of his neck. Shaking his head wildly, Semin made an effort to meet Yooho’s eyes.

“…You can.”

At the faint answer, Yooho grinned.

“I can?”

“Yes. As… as much as you want.”

“Should I speak informally too?”

“Yes. That too…”

Yooho’s hand came down to Semin’s knee again. Since Semin was sitting on the bench and Yooho on the floor, the distance between his heart and ears was too close. What if he could hear his heartbeat? Semin quietly took a long breath in and out, trying to calm his mind.

“So what was that about earlier?”

Unfortunately, it wasn’t much use. This was because Yooho quickly jabbed at the sore spot again.

“Who was that being clingy to you there? A stalker?”

“That… No, it’s not like that…”

“Tell me the truth. I’ll call security even now.”

“No, no. He is acquainted with me. Middle school… classmate.”

“How did a middle school classmate know to come here? Seems like a stalker after all.”

“That’s not it… Just, he’s acquainted with my family… So he said he found out that way.”

He just wanted to get past this somehow, but Yooho didn’t seem willing to back down easily. Semin looked at his wristwatch that had caught his eye and deliberately changed the subject.

“You need to have dinner…”

“Never mind that, just tell me. Do you think stalking is nothing? Tracking someone’s whereabouts without prior consent and following them—that’s stalking.”

How could he say it was tracking whereabouts when his mother had told him? Semin laughed hollowly inside. He couldn’t blame his mother. In her memory, Joseph must have been a commendable and kind friend.

‘Mom! Joseph is here—’

Whenever Joseph came to visit, he would first go to his parents’ room on the first floor and greet them affectionately. Sometimes he would even refer to himself as their youngest son and stay seated for a long time. It was natural for the elders in the family to be fond of Joseph.

“Hmm?”

Yooho slightly pressed his hand on Semin’s knee. Semin closed his eyes slightly and then opened them, shaking his head. His throat felt constricted.

“It’s not like that. He just… He recently came back from studying abroad and said he wanted to see me. So I think that’s why he came here.”

“Were you that close?”

“In middle… school, we were close.”

“And now?”

“Now, it’s been a long time since we’ve been in contact… It’s a bit much to call us friends…”

Yooho’s eyes narrowed considerably. It was an expression laden with reproach that he had detected the obvious lie but didn’t voice it. Semin quickly swallowed the tears that were about to leak out. He didn’t want to show such an unsightly appearance.

“Would you rather I didn’t ask?”

But it was a futile effort in the face of unexpected kindness. As Semin bowed his head deeply, Yooho slightly raised his upper body. Led by the hand cradling the back of his head, Semin buried his forehead in the broad shoulder and tightly grasped Yooho’s sleeve.

“…No. I want to talk about it…”

“Okay. But?”

“I’m… I’m embarrassed… I’m too embarrassed…”

Barely managing to say this, he rubbed his hot forehead against the rustling fabric.

“What are you embarrassed about?”

“…Not being able to deal with it decisively and creating this situation… Causing trouble even for you…”

“Hmm…”

After briefly contemplating, Yooho pulled away. Plop, the pooled tears fell onto his thigh. Yooho wiped Semin’s cheek with his thumb and quietly continued speaking.

“You’re embarrassed that you couldn’t deal with it decisively…”

“…”

“To whom?”

Semin stiffened in confusion. To whom was he embarrassed? He instinctively opened his mouth, but no answer came out.

“When you couldn’t deal with it decisively, who would criticize you for that?”

Yooho interlaced his fingers on top of Semin’s knees. The gaze that looked up at him straight was always, as expected, quiet and calm. Thanks to this, Semin could engrave his question in his now quiet mind. To whom are you embarrassed? Who would criticize you?

The me who didn’t notice Joseph’s deception, the me who still hasn’t escaped from his criticism even after five years have passed, the person who claims that I should be ashamed of myself for being weak and ignorant…

‘Aren’t you even sorry to your family and friends?’

Joseph’s assertions were always consistent. You are weak, you require a lot of attention, you need to be accommodated by others… So you should always feel sorry to others. You should be ashamed of every moment when you can’t accomplish as much as others.

“Semin.”

Yooho raised the corner of his mouth slightly. His warm hands cupped both of Semin’s cheeks. Semin hiccupped dryly and bit his lower lip.

“I think it’s okay for you to be a person who lives as you were born.”

The hand wiping his eyes held a solid warmth.

“Do you still have something you can’t tell me?”

What question in this world could carry such profound comfort?

“If I…”

The words he blurted out trembled violently.

“If I’m not… not an okay person, what then?”

If the me you actually face—without fixing or changing anything, without being intimidated by reading the room, allowed to dive in as my heart follows… is not a normal, sturdy, and flawless person.

“When you get to know me better… If I turn out to be not okay for you… What should I do then?”

Even as he rambled, he knew. Which way his heart was leaning. Why he wanted confirmation of this.

“Hmm…”

Yooho rested his chin on one hand. And so Semin knew that he had instantly grasped the nature of the anxiety swirling in his heart at this moment.

“Kang Semin.”

He wanted him to say what he had realized, but also wanted him to conceal it.

“You really…”

But he also knew that whichever was chosen, the conclusion was already determined…

“Like me, don’t you.”

Finishing his sentence, Yooho raised the corners of his mouth and smiled broadly. Faced with this unselfish, open smile, Semin blurted out words he didn’t mean.

“I, I didn’t say that.”

“No? You just totally said that.”

“I, I do emotionally depend on you. That’s true. I think that’s true. And I, I do have impulsive feelings… no… vulgar impulses… such, such things are definitely there.”

“Oh really?”

“But whether this is truly romantic feeling, I don’t know, and not knowing, to make any decision in this state, to be-become lovers, that would be hasty…”

“I understand, but could you first explain in detail what these vulgar impulses you feel toward me are? I’m so fixated on that right now that I can’t hear what comes after.”

“N-n-no way!”

The uncontrollable shout reverberated sharply through the dark corridor. Startled at himself, Semin covered his mouth and quickly looked around. Yooho, who was laughing with his head down, patted Semin’s knee as if to reassure him.

“There’s no one here. I was the last one out.”

“…”

“But why not? How vulgar could it be?”

Despite his uncharacteristically persistent questioning, Semin couldn’t bring himself to answer. In Semin’s eyes, Yooho was an exceedingly pure, wholesome, and earnest person. He probably thought it was nothing and that’s why he kept asking, but if he knew about that strange dream, he would be shocked and disappointed.

“…”

I don’t want to disappoint him. I want him to continue believing… that I’m a good person.

“Sir…”

Fortunately, the plea he was about to exhale like a breath was swallowed back.

“What?”

However, faced with the innocent question, Semin was once again at a loss. Where does such sticky greed grow from?

“…Nothing.”

Is it really okay to keep holding onto this?