CHDY 16

The first impression was a shadowed face. Shadowed and at the same time deprived, like a four-legged beast weary from a long life on the streets.

Inha felt a brief pang of pity looking at the man’s appearance.

“But why do you go all the way over here when there are closer places?”

He was on his way out after buying something, just like any other day. His classmate asked, looking puzzled. Inha opened the cap of the soft drink bottle with a crack and took a sip.

“Just because. The part-timer is nice?”

“What’s so nice about him? He’s just average. The part-timer at that other place, DU, didn’t he give you a bunch of things to eat? What did he give you again?”

“…I don’t remember.”

“Ah, I didn’t mean anything by it, but you’re being a jerk, aren’t you? I guess for you, that kind of thing is just a daily occurrence. No, but seriously, this place isn’t even that big and doesn’t have many products, so why do you come here?”

“Just because. I want to help him.”

Inha’s answer was sincere.

“Help him? Who? The owner here? Do you know him?”

“No. The part-timer.”

“Hah… I’m seriously at a loss for words right now. This is why they say rich bastards have their heads in the clouds.”

His classmate, looking flabbergasted, opened his mouth wide and clutched the back of his neck.

“If you want to help a part-timer, you should stop coming, you idiot. The thing part-timers hate the most is customers coming in.”

Is that so? Inha, who seemed lost in thought for a moment, said.

“He seemed to like it a lot. When I go.”

It wasn’t a sly joke. Inha was simply stating a fact. His classmate, noticing the humorless reply, scrunched up his face in a grimace. As his classmate shook his head as if he was sick of it, Inha let out a faint smile.

An image of the man flashed through his mind. The expression that would light up to a degree that could be described as joy every time he stopped by, the trembling fingertips, the affectionate gaze.

He considered it a display of affection and welcome that anyone could recognize. It could be seen as the raw emotion of being unable to contain one’s happiness, like a puppy wagging its tail at a person. It was merely concealed poorly beneath the veneer of social decorum.

Inha didn’t dislike that affection. He was quite used to the goodwill of others, but this man’s affection was particularly so. Weak and powerless things always elicited a great deal of leniency, and to Inha, that man was, in every respect, a being worthy of sympathy.

“This is delicious. Have some while you work.”

The day he whimsically handed him a snack was in that same vein. It was similar to the feeling of giving water and food to a skinny stray cat. It was a trivial act that stemmed from the desire to give him something, anything, to eat. The one who misunderstood it to have a different meaning was none other than Inha’s own boyfriend.

‘Did that suit your taste?’

‘Ah… Ah, yes, that, it was delicious.’

‘It’s strangely addictive, isn’t it.’

He had misunderstood and twisted that short conversation. His boyfriend had needled Inha after they left the convenience store. It was the same even after he was told that Inha had only given him one small snack.

“Hyung, you’ve never even bought me something like that.”

“What do you mean I haven’t? We had dinner together just yesterday.”

The two had had dinner together at the hotel’s fine dining restaurant the day before. Of course, as always, it was a dinner that Inha had paid for.

“I’m not talking about that, I’m talking about a small, thoughtful gesture, like a cute little snack. Are you really asking because you don’t know, or are you pretending not to know?”

“…”

“I’m upset because you did something for a person who has nothing to do with you, something you should be doing for your boyfriend. Hyung, you really don’t get it?”

As the conversation continued, Inha felt a sense of fatigue.

“Did you not think of me when you gave that part-timer the snack?”

Conversely, when he was having dinner at the hotel yesterday, he did think of that man. Seeing his boyfriend eating deliciously, he was suddenly reminded of the man’s gaunt appearance, as if he couldn’t even get a bowl of thin gruel to eat. For a moment, he even seemed to have the random thought of bringing him here and feeding him.

Inha kept such facts to himself and quietly placated his boyfriend. His current boyfriend was prone to not only envy and jealousy but also to assigning meaning and having grandiose delusions. If he were to find out that Inha had had such a thought, he would surely fly into a rage.

“Hyung, don’t tell me you want to sleep with him?”

“…”

Inha slowly blinked at the absurd question.

“I don’t like to talk behind people’s backs, so I wasn’t going to say this, but.”

Yoowon let out a short sigh and lowered his voice by a tone.

“He’s a kid who sells his body for money.”

Inha’s firm fingertips twitched.

“I’ve seen it a few times myself. After his shift at the convenience store, he meets customers out back and goes somewhere with them. I heard he even tells them to just fuck him without a condom. He’s a total sex-addicted slut, so sometimes he’ll even say you don’t have to pay, just fuck him. A guy I know got curious and did it with him and caught an STD, so he was going to the hospital for a while. Hyung, if you’re curious, I can bring him over and he can tell you the detailed story. Those blisters on his lips and how dirty they look, that’s also an STD like herpes.”

“…”

“It’s a classic trick to act all innocent and nice to seduce customers, and you’re falling for it? Hyung, were you always this stupid? Hah…”

Inha was dumbfounded. His boyfriend, who had concocted this story thinking he would believe it, seemed particularly young and foolish.

He knew that he had a certain tendency to make things up. But today, it felt even more tiresome. Slandering lips chapped from what was clearly malnutrition as an STD seemed especially malicious.

“It’s not like that, so please, let’s just stop.”

The tiring situation was superficially resolved. After exploding with suppressed jealousy, his boyfriend did not calm down easily. He tried to provoke Inha, expending useless energy and time.

“Why aren’t you getting angry? Does it not bother you at all?”

He said this after deliberately sleeping with another man and coming back. He had made the marks to be conspicuous, but when Inha paid no attention, he himself was the one who blushed. He kept arguing and getting angry until he finally burst into tears.

“Are you cheating already? Did you sleep with that convenience store guy? That’s why you’re being like this, huh?!”

Why do all people blinded by jealousy have the same expression? Inha couldn’t understand.

“I was with another alpha all day. That person sucked me all over my body. Can’t you see how he sucked on the places you used to kiss and suck? You see this and you’re not angry?”

There was no reason to be angry. It was a relationship that had started on the premise of not being possessive. As had been the case with all of Inha’s romantic relationships until now, he had made it clear from the beginning that sex with other people was permissible.

Even when they met with understanding and agreement, it always ended up like this. Once they were actually dating, everyone would get angry, disappointed, and hurt in their own ways. Inha found it difficult to understand.

“…Why aren’t you upset? Why aren’t you jealous? I’m doing this because I want you to be possessive of me, hyung. Why don’t you get it!”

“…”

“I’ve never seen you get angry once. Is it that you don’t get angry, or are you deliberately holding it in? Are you really not angry with me? Do you feel nothing at all?”

“…Yoowon.”

It was annoying, but it didn’t lead to anger. He didn’t get angry because he wasn’t angry, that was all. He was taken aback to be questioned about it.

He had never once gotten angry at a boyfriend before. He was the type who couldn’t quite understand the concept of something happening that would make him angry at a boyfriend. He thought it was enough for them not to be unnecessarily possessive of each other and to be a little more yielding on trivial matters.

There was also the fact that his way of thinking was different from the start. Inha did not comprehend the socially accepted standards of a romantic relationship like others did. So he acted according to his own standards and boundaries, and he only dated partners who understood those standards. It was just that the results were never good.

Looking back, he would always find himself being the only calm person in the center of chaos. He would sweep through and wreck his surroundings, yet the center itself remained quiet, like the tranquil eye of a storm. He was always buried in silence until the turmoil subsided.

This time was no different from any other. Another breakup approached in this way. For some time after, he did not meet anyone new. Most of the time, he would start dating someone new as soon as he broke up with someone, but this time was different. Perhaps because the fatigue was so deep, he didn’t feel like meeting anyone. The same went for casual sex.

He visited the convenience store where the man worked as usual. It had become a set routine, and he never missed a day. He didn’t know the circumstances, but the man seemed to be getting thinner with each passing day. One day, when Inha remarked that he looked unwell, his reply that it was because he had a fever was accompanied by a look of extreme exhaustion.

“You shouldn’t be sick.”

Inha sincerely thought so. The man looked like he would die if he got any thinner. Even after leaving the convenience store, his deathly pale complexion would sometimes come to mind.

That day, when one of his classes ended, his classmate suggested they get a meal. Coming out of the university with his classmate, Inha bought a lunch box. It was a freshly made lunch box from a specialty shop, the one with the most side dishes.

He didn’t bother to answer his classmate’s question of whether it was for his boyfriend. Lastly, he bought fever reducers and cold medicine and headed to the convenience store.

“You really ate like a pig. It must have been so tough for you, scanning the expired items and secretly hiding to eat them, huh?”

A situation was waiting for him that made him regret not coming sooner.

“Hey. If you’re going to steal and eat expired food, you should just grab a piece of bread or something. Do you really have to pick the most expensive lunch box to eat when you’re a thief?”

The man stood there, looking as if he would collapse at the slightest touch. His face, which looked particularly small because he had no flesh on his bones, was directed at the floor. His complexion was as white as a sheet of paper.

There was a person whose anger did not subside even after seeing that face. Inha could not understand the store owner at all. Unable to walk away, he watched from the doorway for a while. The store owner, sticking out his greasy belly, was chattering on endlessly. He looked like someone you’d want to shove a gag in his mouth to shut him up. Inha felt an impulse to impose a restraint more violent than just gagging him.

As soon as he left the convenience store, he tossed the lunch box to his classmate. Right after canceling their plans, he got into his car without a second thought. He stepped on the accelerator to head anywhere, without a destination. After parking the car by a deserted riverbank, he put a cigarette to his lips, a habit that had become ingrained. Exhaling the familiar smoke, he cooled the heat that had rushed to his head.

“…”

He lay sprawled in the silence for a long while. Something suddenly surfaced in the back of his closed eyes. It was the image of the man in the corner of the convenience store, stuffing his face with bread. The way he had pounded his chest as if he were choking, trying to cram it in as fast as possible. It probably looked like a hasty meal before returning to his post. It had been quite a long time ago, before they had even gotten to know each other’s faces. It was also a scene he had happened to witness one-sidedly. The unusually shabby and pathetic sight had not disappeared from his memory.