CHDY 2

The man was turning his head as if observing the outside. While the man was looking elsewhere, Jaeon peered at the tattoo on his neck. Before he knew it, the man’s gaze returned to Jaeon. He was smiling, raising his eyebrows slightly. As if to ask, what is it?

Only then did Jaeon realize he had been staring like a person in a daze. The moment he averted his gaze, his hands became urgent. Jaeon hurriedly put the items in a bag and held it out to him.

“……Thank you.”

He muttered gruffly. It was a tone of voice that would not have been strange if it had sounded like he was telling him to take this and get lost. The man’s hand overlapped with Jaeon’s. Feeling the body heat, Jaeon was startled and pulled his hand away. The mistake was not just his rude tone. He should have held the sides of the bag when handing it over, but instead, he had been holding the handle part that the customer was supposed to grab.

“Have a good one.”

It was a simple farewell. Seemingly tinged with a hint of a smile.

“…….”

After the man left, Jaeon could not get a grip on himself. He moved back and forth around the narrow checkout counter, acting restless. He rubbed his face, sitting down and getting up repeatedly. Later, he just stared at the door as if possessed by a ghost.

He finally tore his eyes away from the glass window and sighed. Jaeon’s hands were still not at rest, moving between his forearm and thigh. His anxious palms needed something to constantly touch.

A sigh, for the umpteenth time, burst out. Strangely, even though it had just happened, it did not feel real. What was that? It felt like a very sudden and unrealistic experience. Even after it was over, it was difficult to readily take the next action. It was as if the operating program in his head had been forcibly deleted. He was just at a loss as to what to do and how to do it.

His dazed state did not improve easily. A call came from the manager, telling him not to stand around idly and waste time. After hanging up the phone, Jaeon was finally able to come to his senses.

His convenience store shift was from morning until afternoon. After it ended, he headed to his next workplace. Without even a short break, he worked at a PC bang from the afternoon until midnight.

Jaeon finally finished his entire schedule, from the convenience store to the PC bang. By the time he returned home, it was dawn. He washed his exhausted body clean and made a meal of rice and seaweed. As always, he went to bed without any energy left to do anything other than bathe and eat.

Usually, when he laid his tired body down, he would fall asleep within 30 minutes. But today, for some reason, despite his extreme fatigue, he could not fall asleep. It was the same no matter how many times he tossed and turned from side to side, changing his position. Jaeon pulled the covers over his head and let out an unconscious sigh.

“Hah…….”

A being he had only pictured in his mind had suddenly appeared in reality. He had met an unexpected being at an unexpected moment. And in an unexpected way at that.

Perhaps because of that, Jaeon could not shake the thoughts about the man. He could not stop replaying the past moment over and over in his mind. Maybe it was simply because he was surprised. It had been so long since he had received help from another person in that way. It also felt like the first time he had experienced such warm kindness.

……Why didn’t I realize it right away?

Jaeon recalled the man’s tattoo. He had heard about his features until his ears wore out, so he knew them. However, connecting what he heard with his ears to what he saw with his eyes was another matter. In any case, it was a fact that he had not immediately recognized such a conspicuous tattoo. Jaeon, thinking he had just been too out of it, suddenly remembered. The man’s tattoo was on the back of his right hand.

His right hand had been supporting Jaeon’s abdomen. So Jaeon, who had not looked down, could not have seen the tattoo etched there.

“…….”

The hand that had been gripping the edge of the blanket twitched. The hand that had released its grip burrowed inside. Slowly moving downward, it traced his flat abdomen.

The hand, moving as if fumbling for something, wrapped around his abdomen. A short breath escaped Jaeon’s lips. Whump, clutching the blanket, Jaeon curled his body into a ball. He remained crouched like a shrimp for a long while. Then, realizing one fact, he banged his head.

He had not said thank you. He had not even said thank you to the man who helped him. He had done nothing for the person who had prevented an accident that could have been serious. All he had done was keep reacting strangely and then mumble “thank you” after the transaction was over.

“……Pathetic bastard…….”

The feeling of self-loathing was as deep as his fatigue. In the middle of the night when nothing could be done, only unresolvable anguish welled up. Repeating endless regrets, Jaeon tossed and turned. He sighed dozens of times amidst the self-criticism and a new kind of anxiety he had never experienced before.

When he grew tired of that, he replayed it again. The man’s face when their eyes met, the way he lifted the box, the feeling of the moment he was caught. He savored the strength of the other person who had held him twice, the vivid sensation it left on his skin. Sometime in between, he fell asleep.

Thank you for that time.

I was really grateful last time.

Last time, you saved me by helping.

He repeated the greetings he had created in his head over and over. He even practiced them out loud to see which one would be best.

“Hah…….”

A sigh finally burst from the lips that had been muttering as if memorizing. His mouth went dry as he waited for someone who might or might not come. Every time the convenience store door opened, it felt like his blood was surging and then receding.

Tinkle, his head turned reflexively at the sound of the bell. Jaeon, who had stiffly straightened his body, offered a greeting, “Welcome.” This time, too, the customer who entered was not the one he was waiting for. Jaeon, who had been staring blankly at the customer, dropped his gaze to the floor.

The cycle of getting his hopes up and being disappointed repeated all day long. His limbs would stiffen and then relax, stand straight and then immediately go limp. By the end of his shift, despite the same amount of work as usual, he felt several times more exhausted.

Jaeon continued to wait for the man’s visit in the following days. The state of waiting with all his strength tensed up continued for several days and nights. However, as it passed a week, he gradually lost his strength. The vague anticipation that had swelled up deflated like a balloon losing air. The time spent going home disappointed every day accumulated, and eventually, no expectation or energy remained. He could not help but have a premonition, much as he disliked it, that the man would not come no matter how hard he waited.

Everything returned to its place. Jaeon no longer reacted to small sounds by craning his neck like a herbivore. His stomach no longer lurched every time he saw a tall customer. Having regained his composure, he silently did his given work in his given place.

“Hey.”

His head lifted at the shouting voice. The person who had burst into the convenience store was the manager. His face was red, and his expression was not good.

Since it was a time he normally would not visit, Jaeon tensed up, wondering what was going on. His agitated appearance made him somewhat predict what was to come. He looked ready to find fault in something and unleash a torrent of nagging, cornering him.

“Are you not going to restock properly? I came right after you left yesterday, and two coffees were missing. Are you kidding me?”

A voice full of anger poured out. Jaeon moved his stiff lips and apologized.

“I’m sorry.”

“I told you to organize the storage room the way I taught you, when did I ever tell you to put things here and there as you please, huh? Are you a blockhead? Do you need to be told ten, twenty times to get it? Is this for decoration?”

A rough hand grabbed Jaeon’s hair and shook it. Jaeon squeezed his eyes shut and turned his head, enduring the sudden violence. When the hand that had briefly gripped and shaken him let go, his scalp tingled.

“……I’m sorry.”

“Ugh…….”

I’m the sinner for hiring a half-cripple.

The manager clicked his tongue and straightened his clothes. After seeing Jaeon limping when his physical condition was particularly bad, the manager often belittled him by calling him a ‘half-cripple’.

“Hey, I’m leaving, so make sure you do a thorough inventory check on the cigarettes.”

“……Yes.”

Having finished his venting, the manager left the convenience store just like that. It seemed that scolding Jaeon was the sole purpose of his visit. The inside of the convenience store became quiet, as if a typhoon had swept through. A soft, recent pop song echoed through the store from the speakers. Letting out a small breath, Jaeon rubbed his dry nape.

The manager was particularly prone to verbal and physical abuse only towards Jaeon. Jaeon knew that among the part-time workers, he was the only one who received such treatment. And he was also well aware that he was a person who was easily looked down upon by others.

It was always Jaeon who was in a position of need and desperation. The world always worked in a way that the needy and desperate had to endure. He now just accepted the things he could not deny or change. It was not as if he could do anything even if he did not accept them……. Perhaps he was simply cloaking his cowardly nature with a composed attitude.

Huu, after letting out a breath, he printed out the cigarette inventory receipt. He grabbed a pen and turned towards the cigarette display. He composed himself by rubbing his face once. He began to calmly count the inventory one by one.

Checking the cigarette inventory was one of the tasks the manager was sensitive about. If something went wrong, a barrage of nagging would follow, so he would get more nervous than necessary. Since he had an experience of being unfairly misunderstood because the person on the previous shift had made a mistake in their check, he had to concentrate to prevent even minor mistakes.

“Hello.”

A particularly clear voice pierced his ears. Jaeon, who had been counting, froze. He turned around quickly as if pulled by an invisible force.

“We meet again.”

He saw a man with skin so fair it seemed to glow.

“…….”

When did he come in? He had been so focused on counting that he did not even know someone had entered. Feeling a slight dizziness, he lowered his eyes. Suddenly, the world seemed to be spinning.

“Uh……, yes, hello.”

The voice that came out was several times lower than usual. Flustered, his gaze wandered here and there. As if to avoid him, Jaeon picked up the items on the counter. While scanning their barcodes, he internally showered himself with criticism. You crazy bastard, who greets someone like that?

Beep, his hand froze in the middle of scanning a barcode. He was startled when he realized his brows were deeply furrowed. Jaeon lifted his head that had been bowed. His eyebrows, which had been in an angry shape, immediately drooped to both sides.

“Ah, excuse me!”

“Yes?”

The man turned his head. He was not even looking at Jaeon’s face.

“…….”

A feeling, he did not know whether it was relief or emptiness, brushed past the back of his neck. Jaeon blinked his heavy eyelids. In any case, he had caught the man’s attention, so he had to say something. The lines he had mulled over all week long came to mind one by one in his overloaded head.

“That…….”

“…….”

“Last time, th-for helping me.”