CHDY 34

“What’s wrong?”

Jaeon’s Adam’s apple bobbed. After a moment of hesitation, Jaeon confessed the reason.

“I’m two years older than you, Mr. Inha.”

“……”

He knew Jaeon’s age for certain this time. He had no choice but to know, since he had seen his resident registration card when filling out the forms at the emergency room. He was not surprised, as he had vaguely expected the possibility that he was older.

“I know.”

“…If you know, then you shouldn’t act like this.”

Inha laughed in spite of himself. It was a small laugh, just enough to exhale through his nose, but he erased the smile only after Jaeon glared at him.

“Should I call you hyung.”

Jaeon did not reply, and he did not know what about the dry question had bothered him.

“If you like the title hyung, I’ll call you that.”

“…It’s fine.”

He wants to be treated as someone older, but he does not want to change the title. It was an attitude that made it impossible to guess what he wanted.

“Mr. Jaeon… you can speak comfortably to me. You’re older, after all.”

“…I’ll do as I please.”

Jaeon, who had set the mood with a blunt reply, continued to speak.

“The hospital room, I want to move to a shared room.”

When Inha looked at him, he added with force.

“The hospital bill, too… I’ll pay for it all, even if it’s not right away.”

That was a completely unexpected remark.

“…Why the hospital room?”

Jaeon, who had turned his head, looked Inha straight in the eye resolutely.

“A private room is burdensome. The price, and it’s uncomfortable to stay here continuously.”

“…It’s not that burdensome a price. And since you were hospitalized because of me, it’s only natural that I pay the hospital bill. You don’t have to worry about it, Mr. Jaeon.”

“No. I’ll pay it all back when I get out of here. All of it…”

As his attitude of drawing a clear line continued, Inha smiled bitterly.

He thought that if he wanted to draw a line like that, it would be better to just report him.

Strictly speaking, he was nothing short of a criminal to Jaeon. He was a stalker who had kidnapped, confined, and raped him. Above all, he was also the main cause of his unwanted omega presentation.

If Jaeon just made up his mind, he could report him at any time. The things Inha had done were more than enough to receive legal sanctions and punishment objectively. Not only that, Inha had even endangered Jaeon’s life. Of course, it was something he had done without knowing anything about Jaeon’s body, but it was a fact that he had put his life at risk.

He had controlled Jaeon using alpha pheromones and induced his heat with a pheromone shower. Jaeon, who had incompletely presented as a recessive omega, could have died.

But looking back, he might have already killed Jaeon several times. From the day Jaeon had abandoned him. He felt as if he had killed him several times while imagining him being held by another man.

How did it come to this.

Killing someone over a love affair was something he could not have imagined before. But such things no longer felt as distant as other people’s business.

He no longer felt like judging the right and wrong of others’ actions. The saying that no one knows what kind of person they are until they are faced with a situation was the correct answer.

‘…I guess I’m being punished.’

‘I guess this happened because I was greedy.’

He recalled Jaeon, who had blamed himself, saying that he was the one being punished. He felt a tightness in a corner of his chest just from trying to guess what kind of psychological mechanism it was that made him blame himself even in this situation, and the upbringing that had led to it.

Looking at this, Jaeon certainly had a side to him that was good to an excessive degree. He was naive to an excessive degree.

He felt disgusted with himself for thinking of a way to use this side of him like a conditioned reflex. But if Jaeon felt a particular sense of responsibility and burden in financial matters, it would not be a bad idea to put him in debt in that direction. He thought it might be possible to hold onto him indefinitely under the pretext of lending and having him repay. A few other methods also came to mind. As the plans and scenes unfolded realistically, a shiver that he could not tell was disgust or pleasure ran down the back of his neck.

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Actually, it was all my fault…’

Jaeon’s words, that awkward apology, came to Inha in several meanings. They were sweet words that were easy to interpret however he wanted. They were the best words to deceive himself and to deceive the other person.

He felt the urge to shift all the responsibility onto the powerless other party. If Jaeon had not run away, this situation would not have come, and if only Jaeon had not run away, they would be facing each other now without any pain.

Completely like then, in a world of just the two of them with no worries.

“……”

At the piercing gaze, Jaeon was the first to turn his head.

“I’m sorry.”

Inha uttered an apology that would feel out of context. As expected, Jaeon looked back at Inha with an expression of not understanding.

Inha, who had lowered his eyes, pulled Jaeon’s hand. Jaeon tried to pull it away, but he gently applied force. Only after the resisting force disappeared did he quietly pick up the tool. Click, click, he began to cut his nails one by one, making a sound.

He hoped that Jaeon would never know the meaning of this apology for the rest of his life.

Three days until his discharge had flown by. After recovering his appetite to some extent, Jaeon’s recovery sped up. He was able to sleep deeply at night, and his pain also improved noticeably.

He continued to use a private room. When Inha strongly expressed his intention not to change the hospital room, Jaeon surprisingly gave up quickly. And for some reason, he showed a desire to get better as soon as possible, and whatever the reason, he seemed to have renewed his will to recover, so Inha could be relieved.

He had let Jaeon shower by himself since that day. They compromised by having Inha wait next to the shower room and listen for his presence. He also allowed him to relieve himself on his own. After finding out that Jaeon was holding in his urine because he had to rely on Inha, he ended it by just taking him to the front of the door.

The hospital life that he had thought he would never get used to had become familiar. Getting used to something meant that a rhythm was formed. He was finally able to get through the day without being flustered. He even had some leeway in his caregiving work. There were even times when he felt a sense of comfort, as if he were drawing with a familiar pencil.

“I brought a few other books. Do you want to read them?”

It was the leisurely reading time they had every time after a meal. Inha showed Jaeon the books he had brought and asked. He knew he would read them unconditionally if he brought them, but he asked anyway. It was a kind of pretext for conversation, since they would not talk if he did not speak first.

“…Yes.”

Jaeon replied, his eyes blurring awkwardly. The expression of a child who was conscious of others’ reactions made him look much younger than his actual age.

Inha, who had tensed the corners of his mouth, handed the book to Jaeon. While Jaeon was reading the book, he tidied up the hospital room as usual. Only after finishing the short tidying did he go and sit next to Jaeon.

“That children’s book is good, isn’t it.”

Inha, who was drawing next to him, casually struck up a conversation. Jaeon took his eyes off the book he was looking at and answered.

“Ah… yes.”

“That author is a German author, I like him, so I bought a few of his books in the original language. I’ll bring them next time.”

“…Yes.”

Thank you, an addition of thanks in a small voice was added. After finishing the short conversation that was not much of a conversation, Jaeon quickly focused on the book again.

“You must like children’s books.”

Inha said, looking at him, starting another conversation.

“I like them.”

“……”

“Even at an age when I should have lost interest, I deliberately bought them and read them. I also read a lot when I was preparing for the art college entrance exam in high school. I still read them often, but people around me laugh at me, saying it doesn’t suit me.”

“……”

“You seem to like them too, Mr. Jaeon. Children’s books.”

“…Yes.”

Jaeon, who seemed to hesitate, elaborated a little more.

“There aren’t many words… and the pictures are cute… And they all have happy endings. And…”

The mouth that was about to say another reason closed tightly.

Inha waited for the rest of the sentence, but the lips that had closed once did not open again. Jaeon just looked down at the book with gloomy, shadowed eyes.

“……”

Turning his head bitterly, Inha drew a line like a doodle with the pencil he was holding. In his mind, the past Jaeon who had talked about himself without any hesitation appeared and disappeared.

The tip of the slanted pencil went back and forth on the paper, scratch, scratch. A man leaning against the bed and reading a book appeared. The figure drawn on the paper was Jaeon.

Even after finishing, Inha’s hand continued to move. He, who had been engrossed for a long time, stopped his depiction at some point. When he came to his senses, both sides of the notebook were filled with a familiar figure.

The drawing was so characteristic that one could recognize who it was at a glance. The lines that made up the face and body were secretive yet bold. It was also too explicit to be a simple depiction. He closed the notebook and put it in his bag. In an instant, it had become something that could not be shown to others.

“I’m going out to buy something.”

Inha said, getting up from his seat. Jaeon, who had been looking only at the book, finally lifted his eyes. “Is there anything you want to eat?” At the question, Jaeon, who was silent for a short while, opened his mouth.

“…No.”

“Tell me. I can buy you anything as long as it’s not alcohol or greasy food.”

Inha asked again, reading his hesitation, which was different from usual. Without even making proper eye contact, Jaeon just repeated that he was fine no matter what.