CHDY 7

What he thought of while frantically rubbing his lower body was the man. He thought of his large hands. Hands that were delicate like an artist’s, and at the same time seemed like they would generously embrace everything. He imagined those hands touching him. Shamelessly, he substituted himself for the man’s partner he had seen today. He imagined what it would have been like if he were the one being pulled by the man’s hand. If he were the one kissing the man, and the man accepting it…

Just imagining such things made his body grow hot. He couldn’t stop. When he came to his senses, everything was dirty. The filth that had been hidden deep inside his body had been spewed out.

Even if he wanted to turn away, he could no longer turn away. This pathetic and dirty feeling was not friendship or admiration. He didn’t know, but it seemed it was probably close to love. If it was love, then for Jaeon, it was his first love.

From the moment he woke up to the moment he fell asleep, Jaeon thought of the man. On some days, he even saw him in his dreams. His day revolved around him, and he waited all day for him as if he were living to see him. And yet, he hadn’t thought that it was a feeling of liking him. He didn’t know because he had never experienced it before. Or perhaps he didn’t want to know.

A lukewarm breath flowed from his lips. In the room, the bitter aftertaste and guilt of confronting his damp desires lingered. It was a dawn where a salty sense of liberation seeped into his skin like sweat.

The next day, there was no one beside the man who entered the convenience store. Jaeon anxiously watched him, who had come alone for the first time in a long while. He prepared himself and ran simulations in his head until the man came to the counter. Finally, when he had finished paying, he courageously offered what he had prepared.

“If you don’t mind, please have this.”

What he subtly held out was Jaeon’s favorite drink. He was finally offering the small service he had wanted to give since the first time he received help. Starting with this, he wanted to give the man little things from now on.

“Are you giving this to me?”

“Yes. It’s just something I like, so I thought you should try it……”

At his mumbled addition, the man laughed. He showed a wonderful smile as he looked down at the drink. Jaeon’s mind went blank. He felt like he had never seen such a face before.

“Ah, you’re trying to make a sale. Wow, I’ll have to buy this every time I come here.”

The man said, shaking the drink he had received.

“Ah, no, that’s not it, I was just giving it to you,”

Jaeon tried to explain desperately. Finding it amusing, the man burst into a hearty laugh. It’s a joke, joy was evident on his face as he added the words.

“……Yes.”

Jaeon also smiled faintly and lowered his head. The first attempt was a great success, so to speak. At the better-than-expected reaction, he felt a regret that was not quite regret, thinking he should have done this sooner.

Afterward, he started to talk to the man more actively. With the ‘realization’ as a turning point, everything had become organized and clear. Jaeon became honest with his feelings and desires, and he took a much more proactive attitude to get what he wanted.

The man’s attitude, which had seemed to be keeping a strange distance, also changed. Due to Jaeon’s change, they rapidly recovered their closeness. Beyond recovery, they had become closer than before. The expressions he showed were also several times more abundant than before. Jaeon, at some point, felt that getting to know his various faces was more meaningful than anything else.

The two developed something like a close friendship. In the meantime, Jaeon did not get impatient and kept his distance. It was thanks to knowing his own place. Even if he dreamt of extravagant things in his imagination, in reality, he maintained a proper line and was content with a small friendship.

The occasion for a special event was surprisingly trivial. The news of a re-release of a movie that the man had posted on his social media was the starting point. The man had posted, expressing delight at the news of a movie’s re-release. Jaeon stared at that post for a long time that night, and that was the beginning.

“……I was planning to go see a movie this weekend, but I’m debating whether to cancel or not.”

Before he knew it, Jaeon was lying in front of the man.

“Why?”

“The friend I was supposed to go with suddenly said he can’t make it. I was looking forward to it since it’s a re-release of a movie I like, but it feels a bit much to go to the theater alone…….”

Was the thought of not being greedy self-deception? It was true that he was satisfied with this level of friendship, but he thought he could have a good opportunity just once.

“Oh, if it’s being re-released this weekend, could it be <Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door>?”

“Ah, yes, that’s the one.”

His own shamelessness was detestable and absurd. Since falling for the man, Jaeon had discovered sides of himself he never knew he had.

“Wow, you like that movie. I like it too, so I was planning to go see it.”

“Ah, really?”

Just a little more.

Jaeon’s eyelids, feigning naturalness, trembled slightly.

“Then do you want to go with me?”

It was such a perfectly ideal line that he wondered if he was hearing things. Jaeon put all the strength he had into his throat. He felt like he was about to burst out with a cheer without realizing it.

“……Ah, really? Should we, then?”

Responding with a normal face, he felt his back grow hot. His soles tingled as if an electric current had passed through them. Jaeon calmly led the conversation. It naturally led to a promise to meet up on the weekend.

Only then did the two of them exchange names and numbers for the first time. Jaeon’s heart leaped at the man’s small mumble, So your name was Seo Jaeon.

Jaeon, who had known the man’s name and age for a long time, finally felt a sense of legitimacy. In addition, the fact that he now had his number made him incredibly happy. Is this how a fan feels when they get their favorite celebrity’s contact information? Is it this ecstatic? he thought seriously.

Since they had exchanged numbers, he thought the topic of age would come up. But the man did not ask Jaeon’s age. He just smiled and said he was looking forward to the movie. Just before leaving, he left a greeting as if in passing.

“Talk to you later, Mr. Jaeon.”

Left alone, Jaeon felt a chaotic heartbeat. He had imagined the man calling him hyung. But he had never once imagined him calling him ‘Mr. Jaeon.’ No matter how many times he blinked and rubbed his face, the feeling of being about to collapse did not subside.

How can this be?

Everything felt like it was happening in a dream. It was unbelievably smooth.

“Haah…….”

In this moment, he was the happiest person in the world. He could declare it and shout it.

After that, he couldn’t help but smile no matter what he did. It was almost to the point where his brain had malfunctioned. Even in a situation where a drunk and unreasonable customer came in and made a fuss, Jaeon responded with a smile.

It was the same at the internet cafe. Laughter didn’t leave him even as he cleaned up the messy floor because a customer had spilled food. In a normal situation, he would never have laughed. He felt genuinely happy even while cleaning the bathroom. Even when dealing with a clogged toilet, even when wiping the sticky floor covered in spit, he couldn’t stop giggling and grinning.

He learned for the first time that you could get a sore jaw and cheekbones from laughing too much. In the blanket he had gotten into to sleep, Jaeon pressed and rubbed his tingling face with his fists. Even while doing so, the laughter continued. He exhaled through his nose and laughed. He let out a sigh and laughed again. After recalling the man’s voice, he became momentarily dazed.

Talk to you later, Mr. Jaeon.

As if holding onto that voice, Jaeon clutched the blanket.

Even in the final moment before falling asleep, the smile did not leave his lips.

The two days left until the weekend felt too far away. With a feeling of his blood running dry, he counted down the days to the promised date. It had become a habit to look at the calendar.

If he had his way, he would have bought new clothes and gotten a haircut. Since it was impossible due to his circumstances, he prepared as neatly as he could within his means. He cut his own hair as he always did, and he chose the best clothes he had and washed them.

By Friday, even breathing felt overwhelming. He let out a deep sigh several times. Even so, he couldn’t help the corners of his mouth from turning up.

His chest felt like it would burst with happiness. It was not at a level that could be hidden by trying to control it. As his unusual state continued, a comment finally came from a customer.

“Why are you smiling so much?”

“……Yes?”

It’s making me feel weird.

The man who added this was a customer who had just bought cigarettes. Behind him, who looked to be in his mid-twenties, stood two other men who had come with him. Their hairstyles and clothes gave off an untidy impression.

“Ah……. I’m sorry.”

Jaeon’s face, which had been relaxed all this time, finally hardened. You idiot. He had been overly excited with the appointment just a day away.

“No, who said anything? It’s good.”

Saying this, the customer gave an unreadable smile. His companions also let out laughs that seemed to be forcefully suppressed.

After they left, Jaeon rubbed his face frantically. He even lightly slapped his cheeks to get a grip. It seemed to have an effect, as he was able to control himself and finish his work normally after that.

As he was leaving after his shift change, Jaeon remembered that the man hadn’t come today. Even though it was a day of the week he would normally have stopped by, for some reason he hadn’t shown his face even for a moment. It seemed he had some reason.

He wasn’t disappointed or discouraged. At any other time, he probably would have been, but not today. Tomorrow, he would not only be able to see his face but also watch a movie with him. Perhaps they might even have a meal together.

At the thought, the corners of his mouth relaxed again.

“Excuse me.”

At the call, Jaeon’s head snapped up.

“Can you help me for a second?”

Jaeon took his hand away from his mouth and looked up.

“What is it……?”

“My friend is drunk and passed out right now, but he’s such a heavy bastard that even two guys can’t lift him. Could you help us carry him to the car?”

He had thought he looked familiar, and it turned out they had met before. It was the customer from the convenience store today who had asked Jaeon why he was smiling so much.

“Ah…….”

A brief hesitation flashed through him. He couldn’t find a particular reason to refuse. Jaeon nodded his head toward the person making the request.

“Oh, you’re a lifesaver. Thanks. You can just come this way with me. He’s passed out and sleeping like a log right now, in the alley. That bastard got dumped by his partner, so…….”

Jaeon followed behind the man who was rambling on and on. Sure enough, the person who was said to be passed out was near the convenience store. Sprawled in a corner of a narrow alley, he looked to be dead drunk. Next to that person, another person was standing as if waiting.

“There, lift his shoulder.”