CNC Ch 1

Looking at the earth from space.

A huge celestial body that looked like a blue sun. It took time to recognize that it was Earth.

It was not a peaceful blue star like a small marble. The overwhelming size and speed were frightening. It looked like it would deviate from its orbit and attack him at a speed of 110,000 km/h.

There was no wind, and there was no sound vibration. There was only a scene to see, much like a muted TV screen.

Was this a dream?

No, if it was a dream, he would have been able to see himself, like watching a movie.

“I” raised my hand to confirm. But there was no hand to lift. I tried to lower my head to see my body, but it was as if there was no head to lower. Yet, I am clearly perceiving the scene before me. What am I?

Suddenly, a different place unfolds.

The view was filled with people this time. Men and women dressed extravagantly, raising their glasses while laughing and talking under the open night sky. They all appear to be content and carefree. They were perfectly happy right now, just like people in a music video or an advertisement.

He knew that there was no such thing as a person who lived without any worries. Still, he always envied other people and their lives. Even before he realized he had ruined his own life.

The happiest version of myself has always been the one on TV.

Pretending not to be tired, pretending to be innocent, pretending that the love of fans is all that matters, living diligently in a bright and healthy world where common sense prevails…

Sometimes, he even deluded himself into thinking that the “him” smiling in front of the camera was genuinely and completely happy. He wished he could keep filming something 24/7. He didn’t want to return to the life behind the camera; the life on the screen in front of it was better.

The people he saw here now also seem artificially happy, like characters staged in a scene.

There were densely lit high-rise buildings all around. This place was undoubtedly a big city. However, just like in space, he still couldn’t hear any sounds.

No one recognized him. It was no wonder; he still had no physical form or voice.

【Hey, over there! The place with barricades in front!】

Suddenly, the clear voice of a single person reached me. It was a young student dressed like a traveler, wearing shorts and a crossbody bag. The student turns to the group behind and points somewhere excitedly. However, the ballcap-wearing member of the group seemed uninterested.

【Isn’t that where the K-pop star jump?】

【Looks like there’s a line of people waiting to take pictures in front! Let’s go and take one too!】

【Why would anyone want to take a picture there, where someone jumped and died? And the line is too long.】

Despite the grumpy expression on their faces, the group still followed the one leading with the crossbody bag. He could still only hear their conversation.

He looked around once again.

Luxurious decorations and lights on the rooftop of a high-rise building, skyscrapers shining brightly from all directions.

Being formless, he finally realized where this place was.

At some point, the two people standing at the end of the line were looking down at the city through the barricade. The person with the baseball cap frowns deeply.

【How desperate must someone be to jump from here? Ugh, it’s terrible!】

That’s right. This is Bangkok, Thailand.

It was the rooftop bar on the 32nd floor where he jumped.

As soon as he clearly recognized it, his non-existent limbs trembled.

At the same time, all the noise starts rushing in. The friction of cars on the road, honking, the music from a loud DJ, people laughing and talking.

These were not just the noises of the city. There were screams of agony, pleas for forgiveness, curses of jealousy and envy, expressions of joy and excitement, sweet whispers of love in ecstasy… This was the sound of the entire world.

He was in complete silence when I was thrown into the sudden noise. I covered my non-existent ears and scream silently in a voice that no one will ever hear.

Soon all sounds fade away.

Everything visible this time appears to undulate in wavy motions as if submerged in water. Even the sounds that reached me were refracted as if I were hearing them from underwater

Where is this place?

A human figure flickers in the walled room. The more I concentrated on my consciousness, the calmer the flow of the waves became, and my vision became clearer.

It was an unfamiliar room with four people sitting facing each other across a sofa table.

Murmurs, whispers, murmurs.

The voices of the people start to be faintly heard, breaking through the waves.

【Do you think he ever has thoughts or desires of self-harm? He had no choice but to jump… The thought of being pushed away over and over again… Don’t you think?】

The words from the man sitting facing this way passed through the waves and were partially transmitted. He leaned forward toward someone sitting across from him and continued speaking.

【If that happened to someone I love, I would… to the extent that one can afford… Legal punishment alone… wouldn’t be enough… Unforgivable】I slowly moved forward as if I were swimming in the water. It was not easy. It feels like being submerged in a deep sea with strong pressure. The man’s words also seem to be interrupted like a radio with poor reception, repeating after each pause.

Finally, I approached the sofa where four people were sitting around.

The first thing I recognized was the man’s face. It was a face that anyone with even the slightest interest in the Korean economy or upper-class society would recognize. The second son of the late Chairman Lee Woo-yeol of Hanseo Group.

And an unexpected person was sitting in the seat next to the man. One of the few people in my life I could open up to and trust. Actor Jung Ji-in. Ji-in hyung…

I don’t know why Ji-in hyung is here with that man, but my soul throbbed when I saw his longing face in front of me.

‘I’ll go see you. Even if I can’t stay long, I can take a day or two off.’

Ji-in hyung had promised to come to see me in Bangkok. However, I didn’t wait for him to keep that promise.

‘Hong-seo, let’s endure it. As time goes by, the situation may change, and eventually, there might be opportunities even in situations that seem hopeless now… We need to endure it to seize the chance, right? Let’s endure it, okay?’

Those kind words that Ji-in hyung had told me couldn’t hold me back as I jumped into the air.

I wanted to see Ji-in hyung’s face, which seemed to be noticeably paler.

At that moment, a new voice sounded and stopped me.

【I can’t say it’s not a tempting suggestion.】

I know whose voice it is.

If I had eyes at this moment, they would probably widen in shock, or perhaps, they might have been tightly closed shut.

【However, I am not the victim.】

A calm and firm tone wrapped in a soft, husky, and slightly tired sound continued.

This time, it’s not just my soul trembling. I feel pain that seems like it could shred and tear apart even my soul, just like my physical body has disappeared.

Pain? Do I even have the right to feel pain? I didn’t even have the right to look at his face.

【That kid’s social reputation has already been tarnished. Mr. X… Yeah, even if it was true that he really did such a thing, it wouldn’t have escalated to this point if it hadn’t been exposed in that way. Then the best thing I can do now is… At least, reveal what Lee Seo-kyung did to the world as well. I heard that he engaged in prostitution and received money… It doesn’t make sense that there are only suppliers but no buyers, does it?】

Yet, my greedy self dared to look at him. His face wavers through the waves between us.

The contours of his features were solid, but the expression surrounding them has always been gentle– no, it was a face that only softened when he looked at me?

He takes a drag from the cigarette filter he holds in his hand. Smoking… he’s smoking again. He said he had quit. Was it because of me? Because of the way I… left?

【Personal revenge is not for that kid, nor is it for anything else. It’s just my way of venting.】

I understand what he’s saying.

While listening to their conversation, I once again recalled the reason why I “desperately” jumped from the rooftop bar on the 32nd floor.

Mr. X scandal.

He says. For my sake, he will expose the sins of the “high-ranking individual” involved in that scandal.

How could he say such things? I was the one who made that selfish choice. I thought he would hate me, disdain me, and want to “drastically” erase all memories associated with me.

I want to approach him. I want to see his face more clearly. I want to ask for forgiveness and experience that special feeling of him looking at me once more.

Why didn’t I just disappear?

If this place were the afterlife or somewhere between the living and the afterlife, even here, “existing” was painful. Even here, I had to bear the responsibility for my choices and the consequences that followed.

I was carrying the burden of responsibility for the choice I tried to escape by disappearing. Bearing all memories, unable to forget anything, and witnessing the pain of the people I cared about.

As I tried to approach him by pushing through the waves, everything disappeared from my sight once again. His face becomes blurry and dissipates.

This time, I was in darkness.

I can’t hear anything, and I can’t see anything. I could only feel the sensation of the flowing waves surrounding me. I was in a deep and heavy underwater realm where light does not reach.

Then, am I a deity?

A spiritual being, looking down on Earth from space without a physical form, transcending time and space. Have I become a deity after dying?

As I slowly surveyed the same darkness everywhere, I suddenly became aware that I was not breathing. As soon as I realized this, a suffocating pain overwhelmed me. I have no physical body, so I can’t breathe, and I don’t need to breathe. Yet, I feel the suffocation and struggle without a body.

No matter how much I struggled, the darkness remained pitch black.

Even when I shouted again and again, my voice did not reach anyone.

I couldn’t have been a deity. A soul who abandoned the person who said he loved him and took his own life as a cowardly means of escape wouldn’t be reborn as a deity.

【News about former idol group ‘Titan’ member and actor Yoon Hye-an】

Like a hint given little by little, I heard a voice again from somewhere. Desperately trying to find the direction from which the sound was coming, I wriggled what felt like arms and legs. Amidst the confusion and noise, I listened carefully to the unstable voice.

【Yoon Hye-an committed suicide from Dongho Bridge last April and was found on Bamseom. He had been in a coma for several months, causing much sympathy from many people. Today, in the afternoon, Yoon Hye-an miraculously regained consciousness.】

Above my head, in the distant place, I begin to see a light swaying on the surface of the water… If only I could reach there, I might be able to breathe… I didn’t know that even a non-existent physical body could get tired. I slowly start sinking.

I didn’t expect to feel again the distance of the receding light, hope, and the helplessness of just having to watch. It was more dreadful than suffocating.

【We’re back to this case once again.】

The sound from which I don’t know where it came from continues to speak irrespective of my excruciating pain.

When I stopped struggling, I sank even deeper into the darkness. The light was getting further away.

【Yes, it’s shocking. At 2:44 pm local time in Bangkok, Lee Seo-kyung, former executive director of Nox Hotels & Resorts, was assassinated.】

As soon as my sight blurred, a certain force seized me. A taut pull, as if being swiftly reeled in by a ruthless fishing hook.

Like a fish being dragged up helplessly by a merciless hook, I ascend towards the light.

As I shoot up above the surface…

I was finally breathing.