COAC 17

“From now on, we will take the exam at the same time and on the same day with the goal of getting into Hankuk University.”

Seo Jeong was the first to stretch out his arm. His tone was close to a joke, but his gaze was unwavering.

“Do Hyeonjun. Kim Chayeon. What are you doing? Not joining the desk pact?”

“……Are you really going to do this? I’m a little embarrassed.”

As I grumbled and placed my hand on top, I saw Kim Chayeon’s gaze linger for a moment on our hands. Kim Chayeon, who had approached without a word, seemed to hesitate with his hand in the air for a moment, and then it was precisely placed on top of the back of Do Hyeonjun’s hand.

An impulse to flip my hand over and hold his surged up. To be conscious of a mere touch in such a serious moment of oath. How pathetic.

After the Oath of the Peach Garden, no, the Oath of the Desk, our concentration hit rock bottom with hunger in just two hours. We decided to take a short break while eating apples as a snack. Crunch. While chewing on the fresh fruit, I looked around and spotted an album tucked away at the very bottom of the bookshelf.

“Seo Jeong. Can I look at that?”

“Huh? Yeah.”

I finished the rest of the apple and opened the album on my lap. Starting with a photo of a tiny baby Seo Jeong crying in a newborn gown, his growth process was captured in its entirety.

“Huh?”

“This is Chayeon. He’s completely different from now, right?”

The child in the photo had the same face as the present, but the atmosphere was so different that they did not seem to overlap.

The current Kim Chayeon was a head taller than his peers and had a cold aura that made him difficult to approach due to his striking features. In contrast, the young Kim Chayeon had chubby cheeks with a faint blush, and his large, round eyes sparkled. The corners of his mouth were turned up shyly, but he looked somewhat cautious. He had the impression of someone who would be startled if his name were called. Was this soft, squishy rice-cake-like kid really Kim Chayeon?

“He may be like this now, but Chayeon was a bit shy when he was young. In this photo, too, he’s not even looking at the camera properly.”

“What happened to you all this time?”

I looked back and forth between the baby in the photo, who was fidgeting with his hands, and Kim Chayeon right next to me.

“What. What do you want me to do about it.”

Kim Chayeon answered bluntly.

“Kim Chayeon is getting embarrassed.”

Whether Seo Jeong was teasing him or not, I coveted the photo of baby Kim Chayeon. Should I be crazy and ask for it? Using a lame excuse like wanting to have a photo of the top student in the school as a good luck charm. The words rose to my throat and were swallowed back down repeatedly.

“Shut up. Stop looking.”

Unbelievably, the rims of Kim Chayeon’s ears were faintly red. He answered, fiddling with another page of the album for no reason. Do Hyeonjun, while pretending to look at the album, stealthily glanced at Kim Chayeon’s ears. It was as if they were dyed with balsam flowers. In my heart too.

As I turned the faded pages, photos of the two of them together repeated as if it were a matter of course. The two of them with their arms around each other’s shoulders in a friendly manner, a scene of them riding a slide together at a playground, Seo Jeong crying after falling from the monkey bars and Kim Chayeon comforting him. Photos of them smiling at each other.

“We went to the same kindergarten and elementary school together. Chayeon’s maternal grandmother’s house was near my house, so he came over to play every day.”

Kim Chayeon’s hand, which was turning the album pages, stopped at a certain point. Where his hand stopped, a young Seo Jeong in a patient’s gown was smiling brightly and making a V sign. In front of that photo, in particular, Kim Chayeon was motionless. It was a gaze that tenaciously delved into a frozen moment of the past.

What is he thinking about right now? Why is he looking at that photo for so long? I was curious. What he was feeling and what he was looking at. I wanted to know a little more about the feelings contained in those fingertips that were silently turning the pages.

From the next photo on, instead of the soft face, there was a boy with a slightly hardened expression and clearer eyes. He was still next to Seo Jeong, but he no longer smiled, and his height had grown noticeably. It was the moment he started to overlap with the current Kim Chayeon.

“I’ve seen it all. It was interesting.”

The album closed with a thud. Thud. If only, if even one page of that album had been mine. If I had been smiling next to Kim Chayeon. How wonderful it would have been if I could have poked his soft cheeks and heard even a blunt retort. I was envious and regretful of Seo Jeong, who had spent all that time with him.

*

While studying in the library, I was turning a page when I checked my suddenly vibrating phone.

「Father」

The number on the screen felt momentarily unfamiliar. He was not someone who would call at this hour. With a mixture of curiosity and an inexplicable sense of unease, I pressed the call button. My mind went blank at the voice that came through the receiver.

The hand holding the phone trembled. I tried to force out my voice, which was barely coming out, to confirm the situation, but the other person was firm. Just telling me to come to the hospital quickly. Before Kim Chayeon, who was next to me, could even ask what was wrong, I snatched my bag and stood up from my seat.

“My dad is at the hospital. He’s… he’s in critical condition right now, I have to go. I’m going.”

I could not string my words together properly, but Kim Chayeon did not ask any more questions and left the library with me. The speed at which we descended the hallway stairs grew faster and faster. I could hear footsteps quietly following behind my almost-running steps.

I need to take a taxi. I desperately waved my hand at the road, but there were no empty cars.

“Do Hyeonjun. I just called a taxi.”

I could not think of anything while we were in the taxi Kim Chayeon had called and heading to the hospital. I rushed into the hospital, out of breath, and looked for my father.

“Father, Do Chang, I’m Do Changseon’s son. I received a call that he collapsed from abdominal pain. The call said it would be serious if he doesn’t get surgery quickly, where is my dad right now?”

Half dazed, I scribbled my signature on the surgery consent form, and the medical staff immediately began preparing for surgery. Only after confirming that the operating room light was on could I finally steady myself and slump down into a chair. It felt as if all the muscles in my body had gone limp on their own.

The hand covering my face was trembling. The cold air of the hospital corridor could not reach my lungs and just swirled around me.

“Isn’t an aortic rupture a serious illness? Why would a healthy person suddenly, an aorta……”

“Do Hyeonjun.”

A large hand did not pat my shoulder, but gripped it firmly, as if to hold it. That weight was like an anchor, holding my crumbling body to reality.

“Nothing will happen. The surgery will go well, so don’t worry.”

The surgery, which began in the late afternoon, continued for nearly five hours. While waiting for the surgery’s progress, I calmed my anxiety by repeatedly clasping and unclasping my fingers with my head down. Kim Chayeon quietly stayed by my side, occasionally handing me water, and sometimes listening to the nurse’s explanations on my behalf. The thought of being thirsty even seemed like a luxury, so I just fiddled with the cold water bottle.

“Why isn’t the surgery over? Is it a bad situation? In dramas and stuff, it takes a long time when it’s dangerous.”

“Do Hyeonjun. Get a grip.”

Kim Chayeon took the water bottle from my hand, opened the cap, and gave it back to me.

“It hasn’t been that long yet. Nothing has happened, so drink some water first and calm down.”

I bit my lower lip and then drank the water. Whether it was thanks to Kim Chayeon’s words or the cold water, I did not fall into a panic like before. Nevertheless, the time in front of the operating room passed as slowly as eternity. Finally, a doctor with a tired face appeared.

“It was on the verge of rupturing, but fortunately, the timing of the surgery was good, and the bleeding was stopped quickly, so the prognosis is good.”

The doctor disappeared with a tired expression. A jumble of relief, anxiety, and worry made me momentarily lose my balance. Kim Chayeon firmly supported my staggering back.

“I contacted a professor I know. He’s famous in this field, so you should consider moving hospitals after seeing your father’s progress.”

I looked at him with a dazed face and then with difficulty opened my mouth.

“Why are you doing all this? You could have gone home earlier, but you waited until now. ……It’s already past 10 o’clock.”

“We’re friends.”

It was an answer given without hesitation, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. My mind went blank for a moment.

“Right.”

I stared at Kim Chayeon blankly and then finally nodded. I was grateful. But my heart grew cold. ‘We’re friends.’ That one phrase built a huge wall in front of the feelings I could not even confess. The emotions I had been building up, slowly but surely, shattered to pieces in front of that wall.

He stayed with me because we are friends. He patted my back to comfort me, calmed me down, and even cared about my father’s progress. It was all for a friend. If he found out about this feeling now, Kim Chayeon would let go of my hand without hesitation. He would turn his back in an instant.

“Are you okay? Are you still having a hard time?”

I was not okay at all. Those eyes, tinged with worry, were instead like a sharp blade, stabbing my heart. I can’t let him find out. If I want to protect even this flimsy kindness, I must never let him know.