COAC 18

“It’s okay. Thanks.”

Do Hyeonjun managed a pale smile.

After what happened at the hospital, he felt a sense of crisis that he needed to distance himself from the two of them, or more accurately, from Kim Chayeon. The thought that he needed to retreat before his tumultuous heart spewed nonsense every time he saw him became firm.

“I’m going to study at home from today. I can’t seem to concentrate well at the library. I really need to get my act together and raise my grades now.”

To Kim Chayeon, who was suggesting they study at the library again today, he conveyed his refusal as calmly as possible. As if there were no personal feelings involved, only as a choice made for the sake of his grades. He could only hope that the poker face he had learned from playing baseball so tenaciously would work properly.

“My grades are still not good enough to get into a top university. When we study together, I feel like I get distracted. We end up chatting. For the time being, I think it’s better for me to organize my thoughts and study alone. You two go without me.”

He must have understood by now. I knew better than anyone that Kim Chayeon was not the type to cling on, even trying to persuade me.

As expected, there was no further persuasion. However, a few seconds of silence passed before he gave a short nod without a word. Soon, Kim Chayeon turned his body as if nothing had happened and disappeared in the direction of the library. Only after his neat back had completely disappeared from sight did I let out the breath I had been holding all at once.

Sadly, my feelings for Kim Chayeon were not a misunderstanding. When did this feeling, which started from a small curiosity, become so deep? I hated myself for not being able to let go of a hopeless heart. The fact that Kim Chayeon would never like me back was bone-achingly painful. This contradiction of wanting to be left alone, yet wanting to be with him in the closest of places, was difficult.

My feelings for Kim Chayeon were growing increasingly unbearable. Even if I could not discard them, could I not at least make them a little lighter?

When a drop of black ink falls into clear water, it instantly turns black. But if you keep pouring clear water on top of it, even if you cannot return to complete transparency, it can become a little lighter. Feelings were like that. It was deeply colored now, but if I kept my distance and continued to pour time into it, could it not become blurry someday?

Do Hyeonjun gave the same answer to Seo Jeong, who asked why he was not coming to the library. Seo Jeong took a step back with a very disappointed expression. This kind of quiet consideration was probably one of the reasons why it was impossible not to like Seo Jeong.

After school, I headed home as if running away. The opposite side of my desk was empty. Even when I looked up while solving a problem, there was no gaze to meet mine. There was no noise, no distracting presence. Yes, this was more comfortable. There was no need to deliberately ignore something, no need to rein in a heart that swayed on its own.

The final exams for the first semester of the second year approached like that. Even as the desks were slightly spaced out and I received my test paper, I was filled with a strange confidence. The delusion that I had prepared for quite a long time and quite solidly on my own disappeared the moment I saw the test paper. There were more concepts than I thought that my hands were not used to, and the sentences I had memorized were not being applied properly and were getting jumbled. By the end of the first day, I had a vague feeling. This is not going to be easy.

“Did you do well?”

To Kim Chayeon, who asked calmly on the last day of the exams, I trailed off, saying, “So-so……”

The report card came out a week later. Whereas until last year, grades could be checked through the school app, from the second year onwards, paper copies were also distributed. Even the kids who had not checked because they were lazy or not confident had no choice but to accept their grades.

I received the paper with my grades printed on it from the homeroom teacher and returned to my seat. I had done pretty well on the March mock exam, but my grades for this final exam had dropped overall. Even though I had increased my study time in an attempt to chase away distracting thoughts.

“Show me.”

“No. This is my personal privacy.”

Seeing Kim Chayeon hold out his hand as if asking for my report card, I leaned my upper body back slightly. He had never asked to see it before, so why now of all times? The memory of me blabbering on about concentration and how important this time was, was still vivid. When I refused firmly, Kim Chayeon looked at me silently for a moment and then shoved his report card in my face.

Average of 100, class rank 1, grade rank 1. It was perfect, without a single flaw.

“You saw my report card, so you show me yours too.”

“Hey. I didn’t see it, you shoved it in my face. I never agreed to this.”

Even though I cried out in protest, Kim Chayeon did not back down. In the end, I had no choice but to surrender. I could not bring myself to look at him and just rubbed my innocent desk with my finger.

“I think it’s better to do it together than alone.”

“No, then we’ll keep talking and it’ll break my flow. I wasn’t in good condition this time. Next time……”

“Let’s do it together.”

Kim Chayeon cut me off mid-sentence. His low voice, which left no room for rebuttal, stuck in my ears. Does this jerk want to do it together even though he knows how I feel? It’s unfair, but because that ‘together’ included me, I felt foolishly fluttered again. Was liking someone like this, where your heart goes up and down over such trivial things?

“Did you forget the desk pact?”

“……”

“You know it too. That it was the best when the three of us did it. I’ll tell Jeong, so come starting today.”

“It’s fine. I’ll tell him.”

Kim Chayeon just nodded with an indifferent expression.

When I showed up after school with an awkward face, Seo Jeong greeted me with a bright smile.

“Welcome. As expected, united we stand, divided we fall. We have to go all the way.”

“Aren’t I the only one who died? I heard you both got good scores.”

“That’s the price you pay for breaking the desk pact, Hyeonjun. Now that you’re back, I’m sure you’ll do well on the June mock exam.”

Thanks to Seo Jeong’s playful words, my tension eased a little.

The seating arrangement remained the same. I sat next to Seo Jeong as before, and across from Kim Chayeon. The concentration that had been wavering just yesterday became surprisingly clear, as if by a lie. I did not know when I would be shaken by this sense of distance again, but I decided to endure it.

As I was lost in thought, I heard a low voice from across from me.

“See, I told you you can’t do it alone.”

When I looked up, Kim Chayeon was looking this way with his chin in his hand. A faint smile hung on his lips.

“It’s true that someone is watching me, so I can concentrate well.”

“I’m glad you realized it now. I’ll be watching you closely so you can’t slack off.”

“Stop talking nonsense and just study.”

I snapped at him for no reason and then turned my gaze back to my workbook. But I could not help the heat rising in my ears. This is why I said I would study alone.

Why am I here right now? To study well? To raise my grades? No, in the end, it was because of that one word from him. Kim Chayeon’s casually thrown words, “Let’s do it together,” easily broke down the line I had painstakingly drawn.

The probability of Kim Chayeon liking me? Well, you never know what the future holds for people, so let’s generously say it’s about 0.001%. The probability of Kim Chayeon liking someone other than Seo Jeong more is 0%. Absolutely impossible. Now, let’s add them up. The conclusion is that there is no way Kim Chayeon would like me instead of Seo Jeong.

I knew it, but after organizing it like this, it became clear. That did not mean that the feelings I had for Kim Chayeon suddenly changed or disappeared. It would be nice if it could change to 100% friendship.

“0%? What is this number?”

My heart sank. Curious about the 0% I had scribbled in my notebook and circled several times, Kim Chayeon was tilting his head this way and that to see it.

Of course, I could not say something like, ‘the probability of my one-sided love for you coming true.’

“The number of cases that will never happen.”

That was also a correct answer.

The feelings I had tried so hard to suppress raised their heads again and began to run wild. Since we spent so much time together, my heart would leap up and then instantly plummet several times a day. A first love with not even a sliver of possibility was so cruel.

“Hoo.”

“What’s with all the sighing? Is something wrong?”

“No. I just sighed thinking about my grades. After summer vacation, the college entrance exam will be here soon, and then it’s our turn.”

When I glossed over it by talking about grades, Kim Chayeon comforted me, saying that if I worked hard for the remaining time, it would be fine. Funnily enough, the comfort made me hopeful again.

Whether it was the study room, the library, or an empty classroom, the three of us were usually together, but there were also days when we were not. There were combinations of Do Hyeonjun and Seo Jeong, Kim Chayeon and Seo Jeong, and very rarely, like today, just Kim Chayeon and me. Seo Jeong had something to do at home and went home right after school, so we stayed in the empty classroom and studied.

One problem was particularly difficult. I could not understand it even after looking at the answer sheet, so I had to solve it several times again.

“Differentiate first. Looking at the form of the function, it’s asking you to find the extreme values.”

“Hmm.”

After getting his advice, I tried solving it again from the beginning, but this time I got stuck in the middle. I’ll have to ask Seo Jeong tomorrow. The moment I checked the problem and was about to move on, a white hand stretched out and turned my workbook at an angle.

Kim Chayeon, who had been sitting upright, turned his upper body slightly to the side and began to solve the problem. His low, quiet voice, devoid of any kindness, his long fingers holding the ballpoint pen, his cool scent that matched the blue season visible beyond the window. All of it mixed together and my mind went blank.