CoP 35

At first, Ji Ling thought Sui Cannong was just talking nonsense in his drunken state.

After all, the things he had just said were absurd and completely illogical. Something about “I know life is hard for you” and “Why don’t you want to live anymore.” If Sui Cannong hadn’t clearly called his name, Ji Ling would have thought he was talking about someone else.

Ji Ling hadn’t expected that Sui Cannong would be the type to babble like a child when drunk, spilling out a torrent of incoherent words.

Ji Ling found it somewhat novel, but he didn’t think much of it at first. He just patiently coaxed, “Stop messing around. Lie down and get some sleep. We can talk about it when you wake up…”

But when Ji Ling lifted his eyes and saw the expression on Sui Cannong’s face, he felt something was off.

Sui Cannong’s expression wasn’t playful; there was no trace of a smile. Instead, he was staring straight at Ji Ling’s face, looking anxious and sad.

“I’m not messing around,” Sui Cannong said.

Ji Ling blinked, his smile gradually fading as he looked at Sui Cannong’s face.

Ji Ling knew exactly what Sui Cannong’s expressions meant. He knew the look on his face when he was joking and the look when he was seriously discussing something.

Drunk people usually only said two types of things: the truth or nonsense. It dawned on Ji Ling that Sui Cannong’s words might not have been a joke but his genuine thoughts.

It was as if… he had finally spoken the words he had kept hidden for so long.

Recalling Sui Cannong’s illogical and even absurd words, Ji Ling felt confused and lost.

Ji Ling’s mouth opened slightly, and he said, “I didn’t…”

Sui Cannong was silent for a moment, then he asked quickly, “You didn’t?”

Sui Cannong rarely spoke to Ji Ling with such a sharp, aggressive tone.

Ji Ling looked at him in surprise. After a while, he saw Sui Cannong look away, seemingly disheartened, his chest rising and falling slightly.

Sui Cannong avoided Ji Ling’s eyes, looking somewhat deflated.

Then Ji Ling heard Sui Cannong say, “Ji Ling, do you know… how worried I’ve been about you all this time?”

Ji Ling’s mind began to race. He couldn’t understand what Sui Cannong was saying.

Feeling absurd and helpless, Ji Ling stared at Sui Cannong’s face, his eyes wide. After a moment, he shook his head and said, somewhat hesitantly, “You might be mistaken. I haven’t—”

“Every night before I go to sleep, I replay the things you’ve said in my mind,” Sui Cannong interrupted. “Like how you said you won’t need the minerals anymore, or how you said you might not have another chance to eat hotpot…”

Ji Ling looked at Sui Cannong, bewildered.

Alcohol usually slowed down reactions, but Sui Cannong seemed to be heading in the opposite direction.

Lying in bed, Sui Cannong stared at the ceiling, memories flooding back, and his speech became faster and faster.

He seemed to have forgotten that he was talking to someone else.

Anxiety had been building up in his chest for days, and now he had found an outlet. As he spoke, his words became more like a monologue to himself.

“Do you remember the time we met at the café? After we left, I saw you standing by the bridge, leaning half your body over the edge…” Sui Cannong murmured. “And then, during the lab accident, I saw you smiling at the wound on your wrist…”

“You gave me the minerals and told me you might not need them anymore,” he continued. “Then, you suddenly entrusted me with the rose you had been taking care of for so long, saying you didn’t want to take care of it anymore and needed to find it a new home.”

Sui Cannong gave a muffled laugh. “Did you really think I would believe that?”

Sui Cannong’s emotions were running high. He closed his eyes, pausing with difficulty.

“I was just guessing before,” Sui Cannong said to himself. “But on that environmental day, when you were drunk, you told me about something you’ve always wanted to do but didn’t have the courage for, and you didn’t want to wait any longer…”

“Since that day, I haven’t had a good night’s sleep,” he said.

“A living, breathing person,” Sui Cannong’s voice was soft, his words broken. “So young, so talented, and I really don’t know… what to do.”

“I can’t think of any other reasonable explanation for your behavior,” Sui Cannong murmured. “Why would someone always say such things, make no plans for the future, and constantly try to hurt themselves? You can’t swim, yet you still tried, and even went into the deep water alone. On Halloween, you told me… that you thought being a ghost wasn’t so bad…”

Sui Cannong didn’t see Ji Ling’s expression; he just kept talking to himself.

“At first, I thought it was simple. I thought if someone could be with you, do some positive and optimistic things, you might… might get better,” Sui Cannong said, his smile more painful than a cry. “But it didn’t work… sending you those positive videos didn’t work, taking you to the movies and growing mushrooms didn’t work. Nothing seemed to help.”

He said, “But I really, really wanted to help you.”

“Later, you said you wanted to fall in love, to find someone… who could open your heart,” Sui Cannong paused, then continued slowly. “I thought this would be a good opportunity.”

While listening to Sui Cannong’s earlier words, Ji Ling’s expression had been blank and confused. But when he heard this, his body stiffened.

Ji Ling fixed his gaze on Sui Cannong’s face.

“Even though we’re together now, and we’re so close, I still feel like I can’t get into your heart,” he said sadly.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to share your feelings with me. As long as you get better, that’s enough,” Sui Cannong’s voice was almost a whisper. “But then I noticed… you started marking off your plan again.”

“You’re still planning… planning to take that step,” he said. “It seems nothing has worked.”

Sui Cannong was so tired he could barely keep his eyes open. He was silent for a long time, then mumbled, “No matter what I do, it doesn’t work…”

Time seemed to freeze. Sui Cannong fell silent, and the room became eerily quiet.

Ji Ling stared at Sui Cannong’s profile.

He felt like he hadn’t understood anything. His chest felt heavy, and he could breathe but felt suffocated.

All the small, unreasonable details that Ji Ling had overlooked came flooding back. They rearranged themselves in his mind, forming a truth he had never considered, a truth so absurd it was almost laughable.

But as he followed this truth, all the previously questionable and unreasonable points suddenly became clear.

It was a very funny, very absurd misunderstanding.

But at the moment he understood everything, Ji Ling felt as if his heart had been submerged in deep, icy water.

Ji Ling slowly sat up and softly called Sui Cannong’s name.

Sui Cannong was in a half-dream, half-awake state. He mumbled a response, but it was so faint it was almost inaudible.

After a long time, Ji Ling asked softly, “…Why did you start a relationship with me?”

Sui Cannong didn’t respond. His breathing became very quiet.

Ji Ling hugged his knees and sat on the bed for a long time.

Ji Ling got out of bed and covered Sui Cannong with a blanket.

Then he turned and slowly walked out of the room.

Sui Cannong had a terrifying dream.

A dream so real he couldn’t tell if it was a dream or reality: He dreamed that he finally mustered the courage to directly and loudly ask Ji Ling why he kept trying to end his life.

Then the vision became dark and chaotic. Faintly, Sui Cannong saw Ji Ling standing in the darkness, his back to him.

Finally, Ji Ling turned around.

He didn’t give any answer, his face was expressionless, but his eyes were cold, as if looking at a stranger.

Then Sui Cannong woke up.

The nightmare was so vivid it made his scalp tingle. The words he had asked in the dream… were too real.

Sui Cannong found it hard to describe his current feelings. If he had to, it would be like eating a basket of poisonous mushrooms.

The ceiling was distorted in his eyes, and red and green wisps floated in front of him. His head was dizzy, and Sui Cannong knew this was the feeling of waking up after a blackout.

Sui Cannong closed his eyes and rested for a while. When he opened them again, he felt a bit better and checked the time on his phone.

It was ten in the morning. Sui Cannong noticed that the other side of the bed was empty.

Sui Cannong let out a breath. He walked out of the bedroom and found Ji Ling sitting on the sofa, reading a book.

Ji Ling was wearing a thin sleepwear, his head lowered, revealing a slender neck. Hearing the noise, Ji Ling looked up.

He met Sui Cannong’s gaze and said after a moment, “You’re awake.”

Ji Ling held a book, his expression normal. Sui Cannong was taken aback and silently breathed a sigh of relief. The dream had been too real.

But as Sui Cannong got closer, he noticed that Ji Ling’s eyes and the corners of his eyes were slightly red.

Sui Cannong paused, hesitating to ask, “What’s wrong with your eyes?”

Ji Ling was taken aback and slightly averted his gaze. “We got home too late last night,” Ji Ling said. “My body is like this. Irregular sleep or staying up late causes this.”

Ji Ling answered quickly, his logic clear, and his sentences smooth, as if he had memorized the answer.

But because his answer was too perfect, Sui Cannong felt something was off.

Sui Cannong nodded hesitantly.

Sui Cannong’s stomach and head were still churning. After washing up, he still felt unwell.

The feeling of a blackout was terrible. His mind was as murky as a bowl of thick porridge, and his memory was confused. But Sui Cannong trusted his character and felt that with Ji Ling by his side, he probably hadn’t done anything too embarrassing.

“How did we get back last night?” Sui Cannong sat down next to Ji Ling, feeling a splitting headache. “I paid the bill, right? Oh, did we forget the gifts?”

Sui Cannong saw Ji Ling turn a page of his book.

Then he heard Ji Ling say calmly, “I took a taxi back with you and settled the bill.”

“The gifts are on the dining table. I rolled up the banner and put it on the small cabinet next to the bookshelf,” Ji Ling said. “You can check it out.”

Sui Cannong let out a long breath. He felt he could always trust Ji Ling because he was always so reliable.

Ji Ling was silent, but when Sui Cannong looked up, he saw that Ji Ling wasn’t reading but staring at his face.

Ji Ling silently met Sui Cannong’s gaze, then awkwardly looked away, returning his attention to the book.

Sui Cannong suddenly felt something was wrong.

He asked, “What’s wrong?”

Ji Ling’s eyelashes trembled, and he didn’t speak.

Sui Cannong was more certain of his thoughts. He stared at Ji Ling’s slightly red eyes and asked sharply, “What’s really wrong?”

Ji Ling’s body stiffened, and Sui Cannong saw him slowly close the book.

After a while, Sui Cannong heard him say, “I’m sorry.”

“I promised to give you a gift,” Ji Ling looked up, meeting Sui Cannong’s gaze. “But there’s a problem with the birthday gift I prepared for you.”

“Give me some time, and I’ll make it up to you later, okay?” he asked.

Sui Cannong was taken aback.

Although he had secretly been looking forward to Ji Ling’s gift, not receiving it was a bit disappointing. But Sui Cannong felt he could understand.

The gift might have been damaged during transportation, which was an unpredictable and uncontrollable event.

Sui Cannong cared more about Ji Ling’s feelings. Someone like Ji Ling would probably blame himself for a long time after such an incident.

“Oh, it’s fine, don’t worry about it,” Sui Cannong smiled. “I’ve said before, gifts are just a formality. They’re not that important.”

“Your company is the best birthday gift,” Sui Cannong added, fearing Ji Ling would feel burdened. “The thought counts. A simple ‘happy birthday’ is enough.”

Ji Ling looked at Sui Cannong’s face, then after a moment, he nodded and averted his gaze, returning to the cover of his book.

Sui Cannong saw Ji Ling trace the sharp edge of the book with his index finger.

Then he heard Ji Ling say softly, “…Happy birthday.”