DAH Ch 4

“…Just…”

 Jungjoon hesitated, then offered a vague smile and a brief explanation. 

“My wife owned a cafe, and I used to go there as a customer…”

“Wow, so you were a customer and she was the owner?” Yoonhae raised his eyebrows in surprise. 

“Interesting…” he murmured, then added, “That’s kind of romantic.”

“…Is it…?” Jungjoon didn’t want to elaborate. 

“What about you? I’m sure you’re seeing someone…” 

He deflected the question, taking a sip of water. He’d just remembered that Yoonhae’s ring finger had been bare while driving, and a flicker of anxiety crossed his mind, quickly fading with Yoonhae’s ready answer.

“Yes.”

His tense facial muscles relaxed.

“Oh, right. Of course. I knew you would be. You’re so tall and handsome… I figured you’d have women lining up for you.”

Yoonhae let out a dry chuckle at the compliment.

“You sound like an old man.”

“Oh… haha, really? Was that a bit old-fashioned?”

Condensation from the glass collected on his palm.

“So, what about your girlfriend? Are you thinking of getting married soon?”

He asked reflexively, realizing even as he spoke that it was a nosy and presumptuous question. But Yoonhae’s response wasn’t what he’d expected.

“I never said it was a woman.”

Jungjoon froze, staring at Yoonhae. A few seconds passed, feeling like minutes, before he looked away, trying to compose his expression.

“I don’t have any… prejudices, at all. Whoever you’re with, as long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters. It’s not a big deal these days, times have changed…”

He babbled, avoiding eye contact. Yoonhae, who had been smiling dryly, burst out laughing.

“I’m sorry.”

He apologized, then confessed, “It was a joke. I didn’t expect you to react so seriously.”

Which part was the joke? Jungjoon, unsure what to make of the situation, tried to force a smile, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes.

Perhaps sensing his awkwardness, Yoonhae pulled out his phone. The screen showed a picture of him and a woman, posing together.

“This is her.”

The tall woman standing next to Yoonhae exuded a confident charm. Judging by the background, it looked like a photo taken on a cruise.

“…You look great together. A handsome couple.”

“Really?”

Yoonhae put his phone away, one corner of his mouth lifting in a smile. It seemed less like a pleased smile and more like a smirk, which Jungjoon found odd.

“…….”

He didn’t like these little jabs and ambiguous responses. It felt like Yoonhae was mocking him.

The rest of the meal was tasteless. He’d lost his appetite, whether because the food had grown cold or because he was no longer hungry. He put down his chopsticks. The server arrived with the next course, perfectly timed.

Jungjoon stared blankly at the dishes being set before him. He felt a little dazed, having been jerked back and forth between tension and relief. It felt as though he was being shaken around inside a container, a plaything at Yoonhae’s mercy.

He remained distracted throughout the rest of the meal, offering perfunctory replies to Yoonhae’s occasional comments and forcing himself to eat. His eyes were unfocused, dark and distant. By the end of the meal, he couldn’t remember what they had talked about.

“You don’t seem to have enjoyed your meal.”

Jungjoon looked up at Yoonhae’s voice.

“…What? No, it was delicious. This is good too.”

Dessert was sujeonggwa, a cinnamon punch, and sliced apples. He wasn’t really hungry, but he picked up his fork and took a few bites.

“I’m glad to hear that.”

“…….”

A sudden wave of bitterness washed over him as he sipped the sujeonggwa, triggered by an unwelcome memory. He remembered having this same drink at another upscale Korean restaurant, the day he’d formally met his wife’s parents.

It should have been a meeting between both sets of parents, but due to circumstances, only his wife’s parents were present. Jungjoon had no parents, nor any relatives to stand in for them.

That meal had been awkward and strained. The bitterness of the sujeonggwa and the uncomfortable silence were still vivid in his memory. He remembered his wife’s lavender dress and the small, strained smiles she’d given him throughout the meal.

“Shall we go?”

Jungjoon abruptly looked up.

“What?”

“If you’re full, we can leave. You don’t have to force yourself to eat.”

Jungjoon realized he’d been picking at his dessert without really eating it. He put down his fork, embarrassed.

“Oh. Right. I am quite full.”

He stood up, still feeling somewhat detached, and followed Yoonhae out of the private room. He only came back to his senses when he saw Yoonhae taking out his wallet at the counter. He fumbled for his own wallet.

“Here, let me pay with this…”

But Yoonhae had already paid.

“Hey, what are you doing? It’s my treat, of course. Excuse me, could you cancel that transaction and use this card instead?”

“It’s fine.”

Yoonhae cut him off, looking down at him.

“Don’t be so serious. You can pay next time.”

“…….”

Jungjoon closed his mouth, stunned. Next time. The casual words felt heavy, as uncomfortable as the food he’d forced himself to eat.

His expression remained stiff as they walked down the hallway. Finally, as they reached Yoonhae’s car, he spoke again.

“Okay, then, give me your account number. I’ll send you the money for dinner.”

Yoonhae stopped abruptly.

“Why? Don’t you want to see me again?”

The question, delivered without a hint of humor, caught Jungjoon off guard.

“No, it’s not that…”

“Trying to pay me off?”

“…….”

His lips twitched, the words he’d been about to say disappearing. He tried to gauge Yoonhae’s expression and intentions, his mind momentarily paralyzed. What should I say…? His eyes darted around nervously. Yoonhae, who had been staring at him intently, suddenly changed his expression.

“I’m joking.”

“Let’s go,” he said, lightly touching Jungjoon’s shoulder and turning away.

“…….”

Jungjoon, who had been frozen in place, rubbed his lips and followed.

“Wait…!”

He called out as they reached Yoonhae’s car.

“I need to stop by somewhere… I think I’ll just take a taxi from here…”

The sight of the enclosed vehicle made him feel nauseous. He instinctively wanted to avoid getting back in and found himself making excuses.

“Get in. Unless you’re deliberately trying to avoid me.”

“…….”

Yoonhae glanced at him, then got into the car. He started the engine immediately, the roar of the powerful SUV feeling like a silent pressure tactic. Jungjoon, mesmerized, reluctantly got in.

Yoonhae didn’t say anything as Jungjoon fastened his seatbelt, then drove off. Jungjoon barely breathed during the ride back, trying to make himself as small as possible. He stared out the window at the passing city lights, his face impassive, a whirlwind of emotions he couldn’t articulate churning inside him.

…Is this really it?

Their first meal in 17 years had been surprisingly anticlimactic. He’d expected it to be uncomfortable, but not like this.

Yoonhae hadn’t brought up the past at all. It was as if he had excised those years from his memory. While Jungjoon was relieved, he also found this deliberate avoidance strangely unsettling.

“Ha…”

He sighed involuntarily, the sound louder than he’d intended. He quickly covered his mouth with his hand, which had been resting on the window. The subtle fragrance from the air freshener was making him feel carsick.

“I’m sorry.”

“…What?”

Jungjoon turned sharply and asked, thinking he’d misheard.

“It’s been a long time since we last saw each other, and I think I… made you uncomfortable.”

Yoonhae continued, his eyes still fixed on the road ahead.

“It’s been so long. I don’t know. I guess I was nervous.”

“…….”

“Anyway, I’m sorry.”

His subdued expression seemed genuinely apologetic. Jungjoon felt a strange pang, as if he’d caught a glimpse of vulnerability behind a carefully constructed facade.

“…It feels strange to just go home. Want to take a walk to digest our food?”

Yoonhae turned and looked at Jungjoon. His face, illuminated by the car’s interior lights, was close to Jungjoon’s.

His strong, masculine features were striking. Deep-set eyes, a high nose bridge, well-defined lips. A face that could make any woman swoon. But to Jungjoon, it was an unfamiliar face, one that made him want to ask, who are you?

“…Sure. Let’s do that.”

He couldn’t refuse, not after their first meal in 17 years, and not with the cautious, almost pleading look in Yoonhae’s eyes.

Besides, judging by Yoonhae’s previous reactions, he doubted a refusal would be accepted. He had a feeling that the cautious, almost solicitous expression would turn cold and hard if he said no.

…This wasn’t going to be easy, was it?

It wouldn’t be so bad, he thought, if he could just get it over with. He stared out the window, suppressing a sigh.

Yoonhae parked near a riverside park in the city center. “Shall we get out?” he asked softly, and then got out of the car. Jungjoon quickly unbuckled his seatbelt and followed.

“I should’ve gotten us some coffee.”

“No, it’s okay. It’s late. And we had dessert.”

Lights illuminated the path along the river. Lush greenery and tall trees added to the charm of the nightscape.

“The air is definitely cleaner here in the park.”

“It is.”

As they started walking, Jungjoon looked around, taking in the scenery. He needed the distraction to avoid the awkwardness that threatened to engulf him.

“It’s nice, walking at night like this.”

“…Yeah.”

He’d never found the simple act of taking a walk so difficult. The path was clearly designed for couples, and indeed, most of the people strolling along the river were couples.

Self-conscious, Jungjoon adjusted his pace, sometimes slowing down, sometimes speeding up, to avoid walking side by side with Yoonhae. He’d never walked like this with another man, alone. It felt strange and awkward, but it was better than sitting across from him in that stuffy private room.

“Let’s sit down for a bit.”

After walking for about ten minutes, Yoonhae stopped at a bench.

“…Okay.”

Jungjoon agreed, trying to hide his reluctance.

“…It’s humid.”

The humid air, typical of the rainy season, clung to his skin. He flapped his shirt lightly and chuckled wryly.

“It is.”

Yoonhae, however, didn’t seem bothered by the humidity at all. He sat down on the bench, his face cool and composed, not a trace of sweat.

“…….”

Yoonhae’s large frame took up a significant portion of the bench. Sitting next to him would look even stranger than walking side by side. But sitting at the very edge of the bench seemed rude and awkward as well.

He hovered indecisively, when his phone buzzed in his pocket. He quickly took it out and answered.

“Hi, Mom.”

It was probably Ian, or something about Ian. As expected, he heard Ian’s voice on the other end.

―Dad!

“Hey, Ian. Are you having fun? Are you being a good boy for Grandma and Grandpa?”

―Yes!

“Did you have a good dinner?”

Just hearing his son’s voice brought a smile to his face. The anxieties that had been weighing him down dissipated, and he focused completely on Ian, his emotions thawing.

He wanted to keep talking to Ian, to go to him right away. But as he listened to Ian chatter, he noticed Yoonhae watching him and started to wrap up the call.

“Okay, then, play a little longer, and then it’s time to get ready for bed.”

―Okay…

“Dad will pick you up from daycare tomorrow. Call me if anything happens. Okay?”

“Okay…” Ian’s voice trailed off.

“Okay… listen to Grandma and Grandpa… Okay, good night, Ian. Sweet dreams. See you tomorrow.”

He hung up, feeling a pang of longing, and saw Yoonhae still watching him. Uncomfortable under his gaze, Jungjoon erased the smile that had unconsciously spread across his face.

“He sounds like a bright child.”

“…He is. But he’s a little shy around other kids.”

“He’s cute and well-behaved. Last time I bought him ice cream, he even thanked me while he was crying.”

“Oh, really…?”

He always told Ian to be polite, but he didn’t know he actually practiced it.

“Thanks for saying that.”

Jungjoon smiled faintly, and Yoonhae looked at him with an unreadable expression.

“Ian is lucky.”

“…….”

“To have such a good father.”

Jungjoon looked away from Yoonhae’s dark eyes and said defensively, “I’m not that great of a father… I’m lacking in many ways…”

He mumbled, then sat down next to Yoonhae on the bench. It seemed better to sit side by side than to continue facing each other.

The river, reflecting the night sky, stretched out before them. The dark water seemed to swallow everything it touched, unseen.

“I always knew you’d be a good father.”

“…Really?”

“You were so kind to me, even though we weren’t related by blood.”

“…….”

The dark, flowing water held Jungjoon’s gaze. He held his breath in the suffocating silence.

“I think… I floundered a lot after you left.”

Yoonhae’s voice was distant, as if recalling a dream.

“It felt like I’d lost my only family.”

The words, spoken so calmly, hit Jungjoon like stones, weighing down his chest.

“…….”

Is this it? Is this where it begins?

Tension coiled tight within him. He braced himself for the accusations he was sure would come, his body starting to sweat.

“I’m sorry, for back then.”

The unexpected apology caught him off guard.

“When I think about it, you were just a kid yourself. And yet you were so kind to me. You should have been cared for and protected, but I was just a burden… It’s always bothered me.”

Jungjoon was speechless as Yoonhae continued, his words a confession. Stunned, he looked up at Yoonhae’s profile.

“You were the only one who cared for me in that horrible place.”

“…….”

“And I treated you like that.”

Yoonhae turned, and their eyes met. They were so close their shoulders almost touched. Yoonhae’s dark eyes, shining in the lamplight, held Jungjoon captive.

“…No… it’s…”

Jungjoon couldn’t find the words to respond. The apologies, the defenses, the evasions he’d prepared were suddenly useless.

“I don’t know why I acted like that back then.”

I was a psycho, that’s all, Yoonhae added, and Jungjoon quickly denied it.

“It wasn’t… it wasn’t that bad.”

“No, don’t make excuses for me. Even I find it creepy looking back.”

Jungjoon was constantly surprised by Yoonhae’s sensible words and behavior. It was a shock to realize that Yoonhae had grown enough to recognize his own past behavior as abnormal. It finally sunk in that the small, vulnerable child had become a well-adjusted adult.

“…You were very young back then, too…”

“No. Abnormal is abnormal, regardless of age. I have to acknowledge that to reflect on my actions.”

Jungjoon hesitated, then said, looking down, “…But, I also, in the end…”

He tried to express his guilt, but Yoonhae cut him off with his own confession.

“It was probably because of a lack of affection. It was a difficult time, and…”

And I was very lonely.

“…….”

Their eyes met again. Jungjoon looked away first, unable to hold Yoonhae’s gaze, which seemed as deep and fathomless as the ocean.

“Don’t make that face.”

“…….”

Jungjoon felt uncomfortable, overwhelmed by guilt. The memories of that day pierced him like shards of glass, and he felt a lump forming in his throat. As if sensing his distress, Yoonhae said, “Can’t you see this? It’s my trophy, of sorts.”

He held out his wrist, showing off his designer watch.

“Look at me. Don’t I look like I’ve made it?”

He said with a playful smile on his handsome face.

“…You do. You look very… successful.”

It was true. Unlike Jungjoon, Yoonhae was undeniably successful. He must have faced countless hardships and obstacles to achieve this level of success, far more than most people. Jungjoon understood that better than anyone. Their similar backgrounds and upbringings gave them a fundamental shared understanding.

“I’m not your parent, but… I’m really proud of you.”

And…

“It must have been hard for you. To get where you are today.”

“…….”

The smile vanished from Yoonhae’s face for a moment.

“It would be a lie to say it wasn’t hard, but it was worth it.”

“…….”

“To see you again like this, and to hear your praise.”

He turned towards the river and stretched his long arms.

“I can die happy now.”

Jungjoon chuckled at the flippant remark.

“You’re exaggerating…”

“You’re smiling like that again.”

“…What?”

Did I make a strange face? Jungjoon touched his lips, checking his expression.

“Don’t feel guilty towards me.”

“…….”

“There’s no need.”

His voice was low and steady, the voice of a confident adult.

“You did nothing wrong… It’s all in the past. We were both just kids.”

“…….”

Jungjoon looked down, moved by Yoonhae’s words of forgiveness. He swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded after a long moment.

“This won’t do.”

Yoonhae chuckled.

“Let me tell you how well I’m doing.”

“…Okay. Tell me.”

And what followed was a detailed account of Yoonhae’s luxurious life. He described the things he enjoyed, the success of his business, and his fulfilling relationship with his girlfriend.

With every detail of Yoonhae’s happy and prosperous life, Jungjoon felt the weight he’d been carrying for so long lift a little. Yoonhae’s boasting, as if designed to alleviate Jungjoon’s guilt, was working.

Jungjoon finally felt free from the guilt that had plagued him for so long. He could see, and finally believe, that Yoonhae held no resentment towards him.

The awkwardness and discomfort he’d felt during dinner now made sense. It was just the tension and unease that came with reuniting after so many years, a misunderstanding born of nervousness. Now that he understood, he felt even more at ease.

On their way back, Jungjoon no longer felt self-conscious around Yoonhae. While he had been uncomfortable even walking in front of him earlier, now he walked beside him, matching his pace. They talked and laughed, their shoulders brushing, their hands occasionally touching, and it felt natural.

Yoonhae drove Jungjoon back to his apartment complex. He could have just dropped him off and said goodbye, but he got out of the car and walked Jungjoon to the entrance.

“Thanks for the meal, and for the good time.”

Jungjoon thanked him again, even though he’d already said goodbye in the car.

“So you’re sleeping alone tonight?”

Yoonhae asked, leaning against his car, as if seeing Jungjoon off.

“Ah… yeah. I’ll be alone tonight. It’s nice and peaceful.”

“…Want to go up and have a drink?”

“Ah…”

He hesitated for a moment at the unexpected invitation, then declined.

“Sorry, I can’t. I have to work early tomorrow.”

“Ah, right.”

“It’s not like I’m the boss like you, just a regular employee.”

Yoonhae smiled silently at the teasing remark.

“Next time, let’s take a trip somewhere nearby. Somewhere Ian would enjoy.”

It was an invitation to go on an outing together, the three of them. After a moment of hesitation, Jungjoon smiled at Yoonhae’s thoughtful suggestion.

“Yeah, let’s do that.”

Yoonhae’s smile at his acceptance was the brightest Jungjoon had seen all evening. He was glad he’d said yes.

Back in his apartment, Jungjoon went to take a shower. The stickiness was gone, but the air inside was still hot and humid. He turned on the air conditioner for a bit, then went to the kitchen for a glass of cold water. He stood there, glass in hand, looking around the empty living room, and Yoonhae’s words from earlier echoed in his mind.

Are you sleeping alone tonight? Want to go up for a drink? Let’s take a trip somewhere with Ian.

All those questions had one thing in common. The absence of his wife. They all assumed, quite naturally, that Jungjoon was alone. The realization filled him with a strange feeling.

“…….”

Yoonhae must have known all along. His instincts had been right; it wasn’t just his oversensitivity. Yoonhae had been deliberately avoiding the topic, being considerate, trying to spare his feelings. Jungjoon clung to that positive interpretation, pushing away the other, more unsettling possibilities.

Regardless, it had been a significant day. He had finally released the long-held emotions, the heavy burden he’d been carrying since he’d left the orphanage.

It hadn’t quite sunk in yet, but he knew things would be different from now on. He hadn’t avoided the encounter, and as a result, a knot he’d thought he’d never untangle had been loosened. Life was truly unpredictable. It all worked out for the best, he told himself, burying the remaining traces of unease beneath a blanket of reassurance.