DHG Ch 44

“To be honest, I was confused until I saw you, Heewoo.”

Even on the phone, Yoon had seemed apprehensive. Well, who would readily pay off a stranger’s debt of nearly 200 million won? Heewoo, understanding his perspective, listened attentively.

“Kim Jinhwan contacted me a few times.”

But the conversation was taking an unexpected turn.

“He said some strange things. About you…”

Yoon trailed off. Heewoo was filled with anxiety. Had Kim Jinhwan reached out to Yoon first? Like he had proposed the ledger deal to Jang Seungyung?

He focused his attention and stared straight ahead, and then Yoon continued.

“He kept saying that you… don’t feel much during sex.”

Heewoo, who had been frozen stiff, slowly understood what Yoon had said.

Ah.

Heewoo blinked unnaturally for a moment, as if stuck in stop-motion. Relief, or perhaps emptiness. A small sigh escaped his lips.

‘Isn’t that practically frigidity?’

Kim Jinhwan in his memory sneered. Heewoo had often heard those words. Kim Jinhwan used to taunt him for drying up quickly, but Heewoo couldn’t understand what he could feel, besides pain, from that act, like scraping the bottom of a dry well with a dipper. Even when he saw an omega forced into arousal through pornography, he only thought, as if watching a sports game, that they were demanding an ability impossible for him.

And if there was one thing he focused on to forget the pain whenever he had sex with Kim Jinhwan… it was hiding his pheromones. Even though his status as an omega was obvious, he didn’t want to be an omega, especially in front of Kim Jinhwan.

Yoon questioned him silently. Heewoo’s lips tightened as their gazes met. Yoon had just revealed his reason for wanting to take him. How he intended to use him.

“…….”

Heewoo, though only for a fleeting moment, scoffed at his own dazed emptiness.

Was there any need to be surprised? He had known it would be like this.

It was nice to say he was looking for a way to protect himself, but he was aware that he had come to sell himself to Yoon.

Born pretty, making easy money. He suddenly recalled another of Kim Jinhwan’s common criticisms. That he lived off others, easily taking money that others painstakingly earned through hard work, simply with his attractive face.

That’s right.

I was trying to take the easy way out again.

He found himself ridiculous, feeling a sense of futility despite having come here of his own volition. It was utterly hypocritical.

“Kim Jinhwan is right.”

Heewoo replied. He had come to sell himself, and the buyer had the right to know about any defects in the product. He had to explain properly for this transaction to go through.

Even as he resolved to do so, he kept drifting into meaningless contemplation.

He had ended up selling his body like this, so should he have asked Kim Jinhwan for money too? How much would that have reduced his debt? If the amount had been even slightly smaller, wouldn’t he have been in a slightly better position now, negotiating with Yoon?

The Butterfly Dream. Heewoo recalled the Chinese idiom that frequently appeared in the classic literature multiple-choice questions on the Korean language arts test. The moment he had rejoiced that the first digit of his debt had changed from 2 to 1 felt incredibly distant, like a fleeting dream.

What was the root of the problem? His grandmother’s accident? No, that wasn’t it. The problem lay with him, for not being able to endure the moment he lost his grandmother and contacting Kim Jinhwan.

Such futile thoughts filled his mind and drifted away. From one thought to another, he eventually reached the man with dyed hair whom he had met at the motel, the one who had stalked him, the one he could barely remember.

‘Why are you so stubbornly clinging to life? Even causing trouble for others.’

‘If I were you, I’d rather just die than live so miserably.’

Suddenly, a dark figure flickered before his eyes. Heewoo imagined jumping into that shadow, which looked like a black river. Wouldn’t it be easier that way? No worries, no decisions to make.

His knees trembled briefly. Heewoo desperately grabbed his twitching knees with his palms, as if he were about to jump somewhere. As he gripped them tightly, as if to steady himself, his vision finally cleared.

Yoon, the buyer, was waiting for an answer. He barely managed to open his mouth.

“Frigidity… it’s true.”

Why am I living like this?

I might as well just…

His concentration was shattered as he tried to ignore the hallucinations he kept hearing. This wasn’t the time. He had to explain in detail. Flustered and lost, he finally realized what he had to say first.

“I’m sorry.”

Since there was a defect the buyer didn’t want, an apology came first. He wasn’t in a position to refuse.

He had just uttered the single word of apology and was sinking back into a daze when he was suddenly brought back by the feeling of someone sitting close beside him. A hand reached out, as if to embrace him, but changed course and gently stroked his hair. A voice followed.

“No… I just…”

Yoon furrowed his brow, as if in thought.

“Kim Jinhwan, that bastard, treats you so carelessly… and I know nothing about you.”

“…….”

“I know that he’s running around like a rabid dog with something stuck to its tail, but I have to just listen to his bullshit, so I’m angry… I think I was just jealous, that’s why I acted that way.”

“…….”

“I’m sorry for acting strangely.”

I’m truly sorry. Yoon apologized repeatedly. Heewoo’s gaze, which had fallen to his feet, lifted slightly. His eyes were comforted by the momentary illusion of equality he felt upon receiving an apology.

“I’m lacking, so I acted out of spite.”

The gentle, low voice continued, like the gentle stroking of his hair.

“I’ll do well. I’ll treat you well.”

“…….”

Heewoo stared blankly at Yoon, who was caressing him. The person who would pay off his debts and protect him from Kim Jinhwan, and from Jang Seungyung, who would sell him off.

He could never go back to Kim Jinhwan. He knew that he had been able to keep his grandmother alive for a few years because of him, but he felt like he would truly die if he returned.

So, actually…

‘Why are you so stubbornly clinging to life?’

…He wanted to live.

‘If I were you, I’d rather just die than live so miserably.’

He didn’t want to die.

He had never said it aloud because he was ashamed, but he didn’t want to die. He wanted to live.

…He wanted to live.

He hated the thought of death so much that his knees trembled, so he wanted to live. He wanted to live, even if it was dirty and pathetic. He was ashamed that he still wanted to live, even after resorting to selling his body. It was a disgusting survival instinct.

“You… won’t send me anywhere, right?”

Heewoo asked. If he went back to Kim Jinhwan after all this, he felt like it would be too much to bear. Worried that Yoon might feel burdened, Heewoo clenched his hand, as if to reach out pleadingly, and asked just once more.

“You won’t send me anywhere else, right? You’ll keep me by your side?”

Fortunately, Yoon didn’t seem too burdened. Rather, he responded in the brightest and gentlest voice Heewoo had ever heard from him, as if he was facing a delightful and lovable act of coquetry.

“Do you think I would send you to Kim Jinhwan?”

And the answer he had longed for came.

“I won’t send you anywhere.”

Ah. Heewoo sighed in relief.

It was alright. He had made the right choice. If he had to choose between Kim Jinhwan and Yoon, there was no doubt he would choose the latter. Now that things had come to this… he shouldn’t fall into any more futile worries. His eyes slowly came back into focus.

Yoon’s arms embraced his cold body. Heewoo, who wanted to live, went limp for a moment as if dead, then slowly raised his arms in response. The touch was awkward and light, more like placing his arms against Yoon than wrapping them around him, and Yoon let out a joyful laugh.

“How about you, Heewoo? Do you have any other wishes besides getting rid of that bastard Kim Jinhwan?”

Yoon asked. As he spoke, he suddenly embraced Heewoo so tightly that he felt breathless, and Heewoo closed his eyes tightly and answered no. He didn’t even wish for Kim Jinhwan to disappear. He just hoped they would never cross paths again, like now.

But the questioning didn’t stop. Yoon kept urging him, close enough to kiss his ear. Heewoo tried not to flinch and said whatever came to mind.

“…Then I want to take the GED.”

The hand that was stroking his waist moved up and cupped Heewoo’s cheek.

Yoon looked into Kwon Heewoo’s eyes and felt a thrill that spread through him. That youthful face, the one that had made him gasp in admiration from the first time he saw him.

He couldn’t believe he could touch him so easily. He stroked his smooth skin and continued to shower him with questions, still in a state of excitement.

“Anything else? Is there anything more?”

He was ready to bring him the stars if he wanted.

“We’ll have to negotiate the terms carefully when we write the contract. It’s a contract to ensure your safety, Heewoo, not mine.”

As he spoke, Yoon felt a pang of pity for the light weight of the body leaning listlessly against him. He must have suffered a lot at that damned establishment. And he probably hadn’t eaten properly either.

“Do you want a drink?”

He poured water into a glass and placed it in Heewoo’s hand, encouraging him to at least wet his throat.