DTD 4

The sound of a sob that I couldn’t swallow filled the room. There was no one to hear me, but I vented my frustrations at the top of my lungs. The absurdity of acting like a victim in a situation I brought upon myself made me laugh until that laughter turned back into tears. What was I even crying for? My mind was so clouded with sadness that I couldn’t grasp even the simplest things.

As I clutched my aching chest, the paper in my hand crumpled naturally. The scent of the sea embedded in the paper touched the tip of my nose. Before I knew it, an endless horizon surrounded my empty room. My vision was tinted not by tears but by the blue sea, while the wind I heard outside soon became the waves that drowned out my desperate sobs with their violent roar. 

I was still by the sea, trapped in the beautiful scenery of that day when the sunset was so magnificent. But now, no one is by my side. The one who prayed to save me is gone. No, I’d driven him away.

So, I needed to pull myself together now.

‘Hajae… I’m sorry.’

Reciting the words of my mother’s last will, which I’d memorized from seeing them so many times, I tossed the note into the trash bag.

‘And if you truly love someone, …please don’t love them.’

That precious feeling was crumpled into something no bigger than a fist and thrown into the trash.

‘Give up… as soon as possible.’

The vast sea was now trapped inside a black garbage bag.

‘…That’s the last piece of advice your mom can give you.’

Finally, I reached the end.

****

It’d been two months since I fled from him; time had passed quickly, and spring finally arrived. Fresh buds sprouted on the bare branches, and the swollen flower buds finally burst open, ready to bear fruit.

Even the park behind the villa where I lived started to bloom with cherry blossoms. It must’ve become known as an excellent place for outings, as it was bustling with people day and night. Everyone came with their lovers, family, or friends. I was the only one walking alone through the crowd.

I tried to take the quieter route home, even if it meant an extra ten minutes on my commute. But after a long day at work, I was too drained to walk further. It was no wonder, considering I spent all day carrying construction materials up and down the stairs.

But there was a good side to this. Being physically exhausted left me with no energy for other thoughts. My past actions, which tangled my insides with guilt, gradually faded. Although ‘he’ still appeared in my dreams from time to time to torment me, I could escape during the busy daytime hours.

Little by little, I was regaining a peaceful daily life.

“Maybe I’ll eat kimbap here tomorrow…”

I stopped walking and looked up at the fully bloomed-cherry blossoms. They swayed in the breeze, looking like white waves. As I stood there blankly gazing at the fleeting scenery, I bumped into a child running towards me.

Thud—! 

At the loud noise, I turned to see a young boy, probably an elementary school student, who had fallen backward. Worried he might be hurt, I quickly crouched before him to check his condition.

“Are you okay?”

The boy nodded silently and got up bravely. Fortunately, he didn’t seem to be injured. I gently scolded him as I brushed the dirt off his clothes.

“You have to be careful. Running in a crowded place can be dangerous.”

“But the petals keep running away.”

“…What?”

The boy said that and then ran off again under the cherry trees. I wondered what he meant by petals running away, but then I realized he probably wanted to catch the falling petals. The boy hopped like a frog, trying to catch the petals with each gust of wind. Seeing his innocent back, a memory I had buried deep in my psyche slowly resurfaced.

The mountain behind the church was famous for its beautiful autumn leaves. One day, the priest suggested we go on an outing to see the autumn foliage, so we all climbed the mountain together in the middle of the day. We laid a mat under the shade, ate the packed kimbap, and enjoyed a peaceful time.

Then, I happened to overhear the children talking.

‘They say your wish will come true if you catch a falling cherry blossom petal.’

‘But these are just leaves.’

‘Same difference!’

Before they could even finish talking, the children ran around, trying to catch the falling leaves. As usual, I assumed Sang would be off somewhere alone, so I didn’t pay much attention. Later, when the outing was almost over, Sang returned. When I asked where he’d been, he didn’t answer, but instead, he handed me something.

‘Here.’

Something lightly touched my palm when I extended my hand. It was a maple leaf, red and vividly colored. I wondered if Sang had heard the children’s conversation earlier and had left alone to catch a leaf. It was cute that he’d secretly gone to get one, but I was curious why he was giving it to me.

‘You should make a wish. Quickly! Why are you giving it to me?’

Sang scratched his head with one hand and smiled awkwardly.

“You said you wanted to be happy.”

Whoosh—

A breeze blew, and the leaves of that day disappeared, covering the surroundings in pink. The boy still failed to catch any petals, his hands flailing in the air. So, I quietly extended my hand and waited. Soon, the wind blew, and petals rained like a shower, but none fell into my palm.

“…What was I expecting…?”

With a dry laugh, I turned my back on the cherry blossom path and started walking.

Now, I have eight months and twenty days left. This would be the last time I’d see cherry blossoms in my life.

****

At some point, I developed a habit of greeting the empty house when I opened the front door.

“I’m home.”

Even though I knew there’d be no response, the greeting made me feel like I was really home.

Dragging my tired body, I headed straight for the bathroom. The warm water from the shower washed away all the fatigue from the day. I hastily dried my hair and was about to jump into bed when I suddenly remembered the laundry I’d hung out to dry in the morning. I had to fold the laundry immediately since rain was forecasted for early tomorrow morning.

I trudged out to the veranda and brought in the dry clothes. The fresh smell of fabric made me feel a little better. Now, all I had to do was fold and put them away neatly, but there was no space in the closet. The thick winter clothes were taking up all the room in the already cramped closet.

“It’s already April…”

It was time to put the winter clothes away in storage.

I started by sorting out the outerwear, but then I felt something in the pocket of a hoodie. The texture I felt with my fingertips was paper. Could it be money? Thinking it might be some emergency cash, I quickly pulled it out, but I found a rolled-up piece of parchment instead of money.

It was the lost page from the mythical spirit item <Codex Gigas>. Although Simeon had handed me ownership of the page, I had completely forgotten it since leaving that room. He must have put it in my pocket while helping me into the car when I lost consciousness. I hadn’t noticed it for two months because I stuffed the hoodie into the closet without checking the pockets.

As I stood there staring at it blankly, words appeared in the air.

[Would you like to activate ‘Pioneer of the Unknown’ ()?]

[Would you like to see the awakening conditions for ‘The Lost Fifth Page of Codex Gigas’?]

That’s right. This happened back then, too. Just as Raphael entered, I wasn’t able to check the conditions. Looking at them now wouldn’t change anything, but I was strangely curious. I closed my eyes and opened them again, signaling agreement and a brief sentence appeared.

[Cleanse the sins of the bloodthirsty beast.]

Not exorcism, but cleansing sins…? There’s no way I had the ability to do that.

Above all, if I have to perform some kind of ritual, I’d have to summon Phenex here. Not inside a gate, not within a protective barrier, but into my house? I’d rather jump off the roof without any safety gear.

That’s enough. I don’t need anything from this spirit, so I’ll just shove it deep inside the drawer.

As I rolled up the page to store it away, I accidentally cut my finger on the unexpectedly stiff paper. The cut was deeper than I thought, and tiny beads of blood welled up on the tip of my index finger. I automatically sighed as I looked at my easily injured hand.

“Haa… You’ve got to be kidding me.”

A wound like this was too small to bother treating. It’d heal on its own, no doubt, I thought as I  continued rolling up the paper with my bloodstained hand. Just as I was about to tie the parchment with a ribbon, I noticed a red stain on the back of the paper.

…No, it wasn’t just a stain; it was inverted writing.

I couldn’t believe my eyes as I unfolded the page again.

[Phenex, who sings of eternal rest…. Seep into the moonlight and come to me.]

Written in blood-red letters, it was the spell to summon Phenex.

The first time I saw this sentence was inside the rift. The nun had said that if you dripped blood onto the page, you could see the summoning spell for Phenex, so I didn’t hesitate to cut my palm with a knife. After thoroughly soaking the page in blood, the letters finally appeared. So, I assumed that a considerable amount of blood was needed to elicit a response from the spirit.

But I never imagined that just a drop or two of blood would bring out the summoning spell.

“But… it should be fine as long as I don’t read the spell aloud…”

Just as I tried to calm my racing heart, it happened.

The fluorescent light flickered on and off by itself. Then, suddenly, a cold gust of wind blew from somewhere. My hair was tousled, yet the curtains didn’t move an inch. Before long, a chill ran down my spine, and I instinctively dropped the spirit and backed away.

One by one, the same things that happened then were happening now. There was only one reason this strange phenomenon could be repeating itself.

He was coming.

“W-Wait a minute.”

I hadn’t even recited the spell, so why was the summoning ritual happening? Was he like a dog that came sniffing around even when its owner hadn’t called? A deep sense of unease and fear surged within me.

At that moment, the fluorescent light overhead suddenly went out. Only the moonlight streaming in from outside the window filled the dark room. The moonlight soon seeped into the spirit object that’d fallen to the floor. The white image that absorbed the luminous light began to distort.

I had to stop it before it was too late. Just as I hurriedly reached out for the spirit object, the page suddenly split in half, and a massive wing abruptly burst out from the gap.

“Whoa!” 

I was so startled that I collapsed on the spot. Meanwhile, the wing wriggled as if trying to widen the gap further. The gap was a crack, and the wing belonged to Phenex. The demon sealed within the spirit object was tearing through space and time, trying to cross over to this side.

“What… is this…?”

I was in a state of panic, my mind going blank. Even in that state, Phenex continued to widen the crack bit by bit. When I came to my senses, three of his wings were already thrashing through the air. It was like watching a massive monstrous bird struggle in a trap.

Phenex has six wings in total. If the head comes out on top of all this, there will be no way to escape. Just as I was tearing at my hair in despair, the conditions for his awakening flashed through my mind like a bolt of lightning.

‘Cleanse the sins of the bloodthirsty beast.’

To cleanse the sins… yes. It signifies baptism. A believer cleanses their past sins and is reborn through baptism. When someone is baptized, they receive and get called by a baptismal name. So, following that same logic, if ‘that thing’ were to be baptized, couldn’t it be reborn as a spirit creature instead of a demon?

This is a gamble. I couldn’t perform an exorcism or any similar ritual, so I had to bet on awakening it. Although I was just a mere believer who shouldn’t be baptizing others, this wasn’t the time to worry about that. If I idly stood by, Phenex would soon start rampaging. I had to complete the baptismal ritual before the summoning was finished.

First, I need water. I rushed to the kitchen and grabbed a clear glass from the cupboard, filling it with cold tap water. While the water rose, my hands shook wildly due to the threatening movement of the wing’s shadow against the wall, as if it could devour me at any moment.

Will I really succeed? Can I face this monster all alone without any help?

It already felt like Phenex had bewitched me, as I felt a dull sensation creeping up from my toes. I could hear the distant murmur of people, and the threatening shadow made it hard to breathe. Soon, memories of what I’d experienced inside the gate began to flash before me.

The thick smell of blood, the voices calling me, the distorted faces of my parents. A resurgence of the thick stench of blood, the voices calling me again.

And then…

“Gasp…!”

Suddenly, I felt a cold liquid in my hand. Snapping back to reality, I realized the tap water had filled the glass to the brim and was overflowing. I quickly turned off the faucet and took a deep breath to steady myself. There was no time to hesitate anymore.

According to the rules, a priest should recite a long blessing prayer over clean water. But all I can recall is watching the baptism ceremony performed by the priest from over his shoulder when I was a child.

Kneeling back in place with the glass full of water, I recited a prayer.

“Lord, through the grace of Your Son, I beseech You…”

Fumbling through vague memories, I cautiously dipped my fingertips into the glass.

“Let Your power come upon this water.”

Drawing a cross with my moistened hand, I murmured under my breath.

“Wash away all old sins… and let it be born anew through this water.”

As soon as the prayer ended, I opened my eyes and looked into the glass. Unsurprisingly, it was still ordinary, colorless, and odorless water. The naked eye can’t distinguish holy water from regular water. So, the only way to tell was to perform the ritual and see.

Steeling myself, I stood up and turned around. By now, the fifth wing had already emerged. It’s not too late yet. Taking a deep breath to stay calm, I recalled the moment I was baptized in the church.

First, pour the holy water over its head…

“…No.”

It’s too dangerous to wait until the head emerges. I have to make the holy water touch any part of the body, even if it’s just the wings. Clutching the glass tightly with both hands, I muttered the sacrament for baptism.

“In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit…”

Next, I had to call out the baptismal name. But at that moment, no suitable saint’s name came to mind.

“In the name of…”

Mumbling the same words, I suddenly remembered something I had heard somewhere.

They say there’s power in a name. If I bestow the name of a powerful being, it might suppress Phenex’s strength. And when it comes to powerful beings, only one comes to mind without hesitation.

Softly, I called out a name toward the five wings that filled the room.

“Michael.”

For a moment, the wings that’d been moving threateningly came to a sudden halt. Not missing the opportunity, I immediately sprinkled the holy water on the wings and shouted.

“I baptize you.”

At that moment, a painful scream was heard from somewhere, and soon, a radiant light burst forth from the spirit object. The light was so bright it felt like my retinal cells had all burned away, leaving me blind. It took quite a while before my vision began to return.

The first thing that came into view was the spirit item. But it was different from what I knew.

“What is this…?”

On the page, there should’ve been an image of Phenex’s grotesque form – with his six wings, his lips parched as they silently moved, and his eyes shut tight. And below it, a warning should’ve been written along with Phenex’s abilities, urging people not to summon him.

‘Those captivated by Phenex’s voice will throw themselves into his mouth. If you encounter Phenex, do not be swayed by any sound you hear. Those with weak minds will ultimately lose their sanity.’

For this reason, Phenex’s other name was the Eternal Repose, ‘the one who sings of death.’

But it was as if someone had erased it. The image was completely gone, and even the text below had entirely changed.

[Those who seek eternal rest, offer him the starlight of the sea and receive a song. Then, you shall dream the dream you desire. All others who hear his song will escape reality and fall into a peaceful rest momentarily.]

Was I successful? If the text written on the spirit object is true, then Phenex has been baptized and reborn. Now awakened, he was no longer the bird that sings of death.

He was the one who soothed lonely souls and granted them fleeting peace. His name,

“Michael.”

At that moment, I heard the sound of wings flapping from the window. Startled, I looked up and saw a mysterious creature sitting on the windowsill.

It was like a bird born of moonlight. Tiny specks of light scattered like a moonlight shower as it flapped its wings. It was about the size of a parrot, with six wings and a peacock-like tail that trailed along the floor. Its eyes were tightly shut, as if they had regressed, with red markings that ran down like tear stains.

It looked as eerie as a weeping angel statue, but its elegant figure grooming its feathers under the moonlight was mesmerizing. It was entirely different from that grotesque demon that’d lurked in the shadows and beckoned to me. But I knew exactly who it was.

“M…Michael? Is that you?”

When I called out the name, he stopped grooming his feathers and looked at me. As I cautiously extended my hand, Michael spread his pure white wings. The sound of his chirping as he took flight was so beautiful. Listening to the bird’s song, I soon closed my eyes.

“Ah…”

The feeling of my body floating was as if I was walking on clouds. Ultimately, I collapsed onto the bed before Michael could perch on my hand. As my consciousness faded, the bird’s song became a woman’s voice humming.

A wordless lullaby. It was the lullaby my mother used to sing to me when I was a child.

How long had it been? I slept for a full ten hours without having a nightmare. I even woke up naturally, without an alarm at the time I needed to. My body had become much lighter, and even my foggy mind became clearer.

Perhaps it was thanks to the sound sleep I’d had after so long.

“Michael?”

I wanted to thank him. But Michael was nowhere to be seen. Does he still have the trait of only appearing at night? Somehow, I felt like he was hiding somewhere. Smiling, I looked at the windowsill where he had perched last night.

“Thank you. I slept well, thanks to you.”

As I muttered softly, a gentle breeze blew in from the window as if in reply.

Although it was a rare good morning, one thing bothered me.

‘Those who seek rest, offer him the starlight of the sea and receive a song.’

Now that I’ve heard the song, I must give him something in return. But I have yet to give him anything.

On top of that, I have no idea what “the starry light of the sea” is. Maybe if it’s a nickname for some object, I could look it up.

Just as I was feeling uneasy, I noticed fragments scattered on the floor. They sparkled finely, like a white sandy beach. Kneeling to pick them up, I realized they were pieces of broken seashell.

“No way…”

I looked up at the dresser right in front of me. It held several items that represented significant memories with my dad: a leaf-shaped magnet from the nursery, a postcard from a museum, and a pinecone we picked up on a camping trip.

Among them, the most cherished were the seashells we collected together at the West Sea. I’d gathered them all in a dish to keep them safe, but now, one of the large seashells was missing. Or, more accurately, it’d been shattered, only its fragments strewn across the floor.

Didn’t I scatter them on the ground to deceive the eye when I first summoned Phenex?

Given all the circumstances, there’s only one answer.

“…The starry light of the sea.”

It was the seashells. While I slept, Phenex—or rather, Michael—ate the seashells from the dresser and disappeared, leaving only fragments behind. Though one of my memories with my dad had been erased, I could still feel the happiness of that day in my dreams. It was an equivalent exchange, after all.

From that day on, I placed a seashell by my bedside every night. Thanks to that, I wake up smiling every day. No more nightmares tormented me. The lonely nights when I stayed awake were gone.

If it continues like this, I couldn’t ask for more.

…Or so I thought until an incident occurred less than a week later.

“You are…”

A man was standing at my door when I got home from work, carrying some beer. The man who greeted me politely was none other than Simeon’s bodyguard. Wasn’t everything settled when he brought me home?

“What brings you here?”

When I openly showed my wariness, the bodyguard stepped back and spoke.

“I have something important to tell you.”

“I’m not interested in hearing it.”

It was probably something related to Simeon anyway.

I firmly rejected him and reached out for the door lock. But the bodyguard suddenly blocked my path. When I glared up at him sharply, he frowned, seemingly troubled. His unusual demeanor only heightened my suspicion.

“Did Simeon send you?”

“No. I came on my own.”

“…Did he tell you to say that?”

“I’m here purely of my own will. In fact, Guild Master Simeon ordered me not to come near you under any circumstances.”

His steady gaze didn’t seem to be lying. From the beginning, he’d always carried out Simeon’s orders quietly. And yet, now he’s acting on his own? Even if it wasn’t a lie, he’s still someone who’d still do anything for his boss, Simeon. But whatever the reason or whoever sent him, it didn’t matter. I’d already cut ties with him.

“Please move aside.”

When I coldly averted my gaze, the bodyguard called my name for the first time. 

“Mr. Hajae Shin.” 

His voice, calling out to stop me, even sounded somewhat desperate. He, too, was not involved in this matter, just like Raphael, but since he worked for Simeon, I had no choice but to cut him off firmly.

“You were there with him, so you know. If you come looking for me even once…”

I pulled out my phone quietly and spoke.

“…You know what I said I’d do.”

“This is my final warning. Leave before I call the police.”

A heavy tension hung in the air. No one moved for a while, and even the sensor light turned off. Only the dim glow of my phone lit the darkness. It wasn’t until much later that the bodyguard finally turned and walked away.

Once I confirmed that the black sedan had disappeared outside, I immediately started looking for a new place to live. Though my whereabouts would be known because of the spirit items, I needed to move somewhere they couldn’t easily find. If possible, I wanted to move down to the southern coast, close to the sea, so that I could escape again anytime.

****

For a few days, I became sensitive to even the slightest noise. I was always on edge, thinking it might be him, only to fall into self-loathing at the absurdity of my actions. It didn’t take long for the normalcy I had barely regained to shatter.

Then, one day, the doorbell suddenly rang.

“Who is it?”

I raised my voice and asked from the entrance, but there was no answer. Could it be him again?

“I told you I have nothing to say. You’re making things difficult by doing this.”

Even after waiting for a while, there was only silence outside. There wasn’t even a hint of movement. Feeling uneasy, I peered through the small peephole in the door. No one was there. The hallway sensor light hadn’t even turned on, so it was dark outside.

“What…?”

Was I just hearing things? Just as I stepped away from the entrance in confusion, I heard a voice behind me.

“It’s been a while.”

Soft and languid, the voice was unmistakably his—the one I couldn’t erase from my mind no matter how hard I tried.

“How have you been?”

It felt as if ice water had been poured over me, freezing me in place. I didn’t even dare to turn around. But I didn’t need to; I knew who it was without looking. His long shadow was already creeping toward me. As soon as I heard his quiet footsteps right behind me, I clenched my eyes shut and screamed with all my might, as if my whole body would shatter.

“Get out of my house right now!”

“Mr. Hajae.”

“You promised! You said you wouldn’t come back!”

Yet he didn’t stop approaching. Knowing that if he caught me, I couldn’t escape, I made a desperate threat.

“Did you forget what I said I’d do if you came looking for me again?”

“Just listen to me.”

“Do you not hear what I’m saying?”

The long shadow slowly swallowed me up, like a tide rising unexpectedly. I thought of escaping only then, and I reached for the front door.

“If you won’t leave then I will.”

At that moment, a hand shot out from behind and grabbed my wrist. The force of the rough pull turned me around like a rag doll. And then, there was the scent of the cool night breeze. It was because my face had fallen against his chest as I stumbled.

“…What are you doing?”

As I struggled to break free, he hurriedly pulled me into a tight embrace. His strong arms trembled with anxiety as if afraid of losing me. While I hesitated momentarily, he buried his face in my hair and whispered softly.

“Hyung, are you going to leave me again?”

…What?

My heart sank in an instant. I was perfectly sane, with my eyes wide open, yet I couldn’t process the reality that had suddenly confronted me.

Hyung? Leaving him “again”? Does that mean Simeon is…

“…I missed you.”

His low voice trembled with emotion. Shocked, I tried to squirm away, but he held me tighter as if I might disappear. When I stopped breathing, I could feel his heartbeat clearly in the quiet of my ears.

Thump, thump—.

His heartbeat was faster and heavier than mine, which was racing with anxiety.

“I’ve never forgotten you, not even for a moment.”

He nuzzled his cheek against my hair like a child. Meanwhile, I stood there blankly, unable to either push him away or hug him back. By the time my overworked brain finally started functioning again, I managed to utter a single question.

“How…?”

“I’ve known since the first time we met.”

“…You’re lying.”

If he’s talking about the first time we met, it would be the moment we crossed paths in the back alley by chance. Was it because the condition for entering the barrier was knowing what Simeon looked like that he discovered I was Johan? Then why didn’t he tell me earlier? Did he expect me to reveal my identity first?

Unable to continue speaking out of confusion, Simeon confessed his true feelings.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you… Were you in a lot of pain?”

His cold hand cautiously touched my neck. Since it was a scar that had been pierced by thorns dozens of times, it shouldn’t have hurt anymore, but strangely, every time his gentle hand brushed against it, the wound throbbed. When I flinched, Simeon sighed softly and hugged me even tighter.

“I was just… so angry that you left me behind. I was so broken, but you seemed fine… like you’d forgotten all about me, so, I lost my temper a little.”

I’m not fine at all. I haven’t forgotten a thing. You can see that just by looking at me now. You can see that my face was the face of someone who was trying not to cry as if my heart had been torn to shreds, and I was just pretending not to notice, covering it up.

And yet he asked me,

“Were you happy without me?”

Such a cruel question.

I immediately raised my hand and pushed his shoulder. Even though I applied only a little force, Simeon easily fell back. When I bit my lip and looked up, I saw his eyes, bloodshot and red. With his mask gone, he became the Sang I once knew. He looked exactly as he did when he was younger, unable to hide his feelings. And just like that, the resolve I had carefully built up crumbled instantly.

“No, Sang-ah. The reason I left you… it was all because…”

Clang, bang—!

I jolted awake at the sound of a door slamming shut.

“….…”

The refrigerator’s hum and the sound of footsteps outside the door were all I could hear. Blinking blankly, tears that’d gathered on my lashes rolled down my cheeks. The hand reaching out to touch Sang’s face was now reaching toward the ceiling. All it met was the empty air, swirling with dust instead of warmth.

Of course. It was all just a dream.

“…..Ha.”

I parted my tightly closed lips and let out a small breath. Was it a sigh of relief or a lament of regret? As I clenched my fist tightly, the sharp pain from my nails digging into my palm was vivid. This was reality. Filled with resentment, I turned my gaze to the side and saw a white bird sitting on the windowsill.

“Michael. Why would you show me such a cruel dream?”

No answer came. Michael quietly disappeared into the moonlight. Despite my threats to Michael that I’d throw him away and that I no longer wanted him, Sang appeared in my dreams every night from that day on. Every night, I saw visions of him coming to my house.

“Johan-hyung. I missed you.”

Now, he even called me by name. He smiled brightly and embraced me so tenderly that it was almost embarrassing. With each recurring dream, the sensation becomes more vivid. When I placed my hand on Sang’s back, I could feel his body’s solid shoulder blades and muscles. As I inhaled, the scent of a cold winter night filled my lungs. So, how can I believe it’s just a dream?

“Sang-ah.”

But the moment I call his name, I wake up. And when I do, all that remains is an indescribable emptiness and self-loathing.

As I roughly kicked off the blankets and sat up, the crushed remnants of seashells scattered into the air. They decorated the space like falling snow in winter. Michael was staring down at me silently. Just looking at his indifferent eyes made a surge of anger rise within me.

“Michael!”

“……….”

“Why are you doing this to me? When did I ever ask you to show me these dreams?”

I knew, too. The mirror wasn’t to blame for the reflection.

If there’s any fault, it lies with the reflection in the mirror.

“Show me nightmares instead. Just do that…”

Dreams are a reflection of the subconscious. So, what is it that I truly desire? Is it for Sang to realize I’m Johan first? Or for me to confess all my secrets to him first? And then, to spend the little time I have left with him happily?

Or is it to ultimately curse Sang with a cruel fate? For Sang to live as lonely a life as mine after I’m gone? To live ten agonizing years without being able to love or be loved, only to disappear in the end?

“No… I’m not… that irresponsible.”

I ran a hand over my face, stained with despair, and it felt as stiff as if I were caressing a corpse.

I thought I could forget somehow. That if the body distanced itself, the heart would naturally follow. But the longing only deepens. The more I struggle to live, the more I seem to sink.

It was a hellish week. The time passing was so painful that I began to miss the days when I had nightmares. Sang appeared every time I closed my eyes, day or night. But now, I know how to wake up from the dream.

“Sang-ah.”

When I call his name, I return to reality. Sometimes, the dream is so vivid that I can’t distinguish it from reality. It feels like I’m walking a tightrope on a blurred line between the two. Staring blankly at the empty ceiling, I realized that I was gradually losing my mind.

Ding dong—.

Then, the doorbell rang. The idle thoughts vanished in an instant. As if possessed, I got up and walked to the front door. My staggering steps were like those of a drunken person. I braced one hand against the wall and slowly took a breath. I was too afraid to even look through the peephole, so I cautiously asked.

“…Who is it?”

It’s impossible for a dream to become reality, so what was I hoping for? Why is my heart pounding so anxiously at the thought of someone being on the other side of the door? I exhaled deeply to calm my nerves and heard a youthful voice.

“Hajae-hyung… It’s me.”

I was startled by the unexpected voice. The hope vanished like a bubble, leaving only reality. After all, I’d severed my connection to Sang, so there was only one person left who’d call me ‘Hajae-hyung’.

“…Raphael?”

When I carefully opened the door, Raphael was standing there. His bright blonde hair and flashy piercings were just as I remembered. But something seemed off. His shoulders were slumped, and his fidgeting hands looked uncharacteristically subdued.

Raphael, who’d been glancing around nervously, finally let out an awkward laugh and spoke.

“It’s been a while, hyung… I’m sorry for showing up out of the blue.”

“What brings you all the way here?”

When I asked him directly, Raphael seemed momentarily flustered but quickly tried to act nonchalant.

“I was just curious to see how you were doing.”

This is why I like good kids. You can always tell when they’re lying.

But since it was Raphael and not anyone else, I decided to let it slide.

“Come in. I don’t have much, but I can offer you a cup of tea.”

“Thanks, hyung.”

Raphael promptly followed me inside and sat at the table as if it were natural. Even though he claimed to be worried about how I was doing, he still seemed anxious, lost in deep thought. I put some water to boil in the kettle and placed a green tea bag inside.

A fifty-won tea bag floated aimlessly in a five-thousand-won mug bought from the local supermarket. I would’ve liked to offer something better to someone who’d helped me, but I’ve never had guests in this house, so there was no chance of finding fancy cups or tea here.

“Living alone, I’ve gotten used to simple things like this.”

Raphael quickly waved his hands as I awkwardly placed the cup before him.

“Oh, no, it’s fine. I actually really like green tea.”

…..He’s so kind. Facing such a gentle person, I remember that I once used his knife to slit my throat. Even if I apologized a hundred times, it wouldn’t be enough. As I sat across from him, silently watching, Raphael hesitated with his tea before finally speaking.

“How’s your body?”

“Thanks to you, I’m fine.”

“I’m glad. Honestly, I was worried that you might suffer from some aftereffects.”

“You don’t have to worry about that.”

With a body as unnecessarily sturdy as mine, I would’ve survived somehow, even without treatment. Still, I should express my gratitude for his help. Or perhaps, an apology should come first.

I let out a small sigh and slowly lowered my head.

“I sincerely apologize for what happened that day.”

“…What?”

“I showed you an ugly side of myself.”

When I didn’t hear a response, I cautiously glanced up to see Raphael’s bewildered expression. He probably hadn’t expected me to apologize out of the blue. After a moment, Raphael, realizing I was watching, awkwardly stammered,

“Oh…! Well, it did surprise me, but I’m sure you had your reasons. It’s okay.”

“Thank you for understanding. Still, I really wanted to apologize to you, Raphael.”

“No, really, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”

Raphael nodded vigorously and suddenly grabbed my hand on the table. But his hand was strangely cold. I’d given him warm tea… But now that I looked closely, his face was pale, too. His forced smile couldn’t hide the anxiety in his eyes. He looked like someone being chased by something.

“So, what brings you here? It’s not just to check on me, is it?”

“Well…”

Whatever it was, he seemed reluctant to say it. Raphael’s large eyes darted nervously, and seeing this made me suspect something. I cautiously tested my theory.

“Is it the same reason as the bodyguard who came last time?”

At the mention of the word ‘bodyguard,’ Raphael’s eyes widened.

“Did he come here?”

“If you mean the one who’s always by Simeon’s side, then yes. He came last week.”

“Did you… talk to him?”

“No. I said I wasn’t interested.”

I’d sent him away immediately, not wanting to hear a word and risk wavering in my decision. And no matter what, I had no intention of listening to anything related to Simeon, even if it came from Raphael.

Gently pulling my hand away from his grasp, I shook my head.

“I’m sorry, Raphael, but if you’re here to talk about Simeon, you should go.”

“Hyung, p-please wait a moment.”

“No matter the circumstances, my decision won’t change. I have no intention of seeing him.”

When I firmly refused, Raphael’s complexion turned ashen. The smile he’d forced to hide his anxiety vanished, leaving him on the verge of tears. Then suddenly, Raphael stood up and dropped to his knees.

“Please. Hyung.”

Startled, I tried to pull him up, but he wouldn’t budge.

“What are you doing?”

“Hajae-hyung… There’s no one else but you now.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You’re the only one who can save the Guild Leader.”

……What? Save who? Simeon? Why? Was he hurt?

“If things continue the way they are, the Guild Leader… might die.”

Raphael, barely holding back tears, gripped my arm tightly with trembling hands. The anxiety and desperation were palpable. But I didn’t have the mental capacity to comfort him. My mind was already overwhelmed with countless questions.

Die? Simeon? The person who seems like he would survive anything? Why?

……Wait. Could this be a trap? Are they trying to lure me back and finally lock me in a cage? To clip my wings, steal my voice, and turn me into a canary that quietly stays by his side?

Even with someone crying in front of me, suspicion flared up. My broken mind couldn’t think straight. I was about to push Raphael away when I met his desperate, pleading eyes.

His tearful face reminded me of Sang, who’d once prayed for someone to save me.

“Hyung. Please help.”

Help? With what? What can I do?

If I return to him, all my efforts to distance myself will be for nothing. This time, there’s no turning back. If I go back voluntarily, I know I’ll never be able to leave him again. I’ve worked so hard for this freedom, for the phantom’s future, only to ruin it with my own hands?

But if, by chance… he dies?

What would all my actions have been for up to now?

Leaving behind a letter and secretly fleeing at dawn, surviving the flames to change my face, throwing away all memories of the past to live quietly. And after reuniting, I even went so far as to harm myself to sever our ties.

Yes, everything I’d done was solely for Simeon. I wanted him to live just one day longer than I would. I wanted him to love someone without guilt. I wanted him to live a life where he was loved. I tried to escape, even if it meant hurting myself, wounding him, and involving innocent people.

But if Simeon… if Sang, were to die?

I was scared. Even when I faced a demon, even when I stood at the brink of death, I found a way to survive. But now, all I could see was darkness. There was no escape. I was terrified that Simeon might actually die. And I was scared I might miss the only chance to save him as he was dying.

“…….Ha.”

Isn’t it ironic? I was so sure of victory, knowing I was his only weakness, a man who feared nothing. But that was a mistake. I was no different from him.

What I fear most is his death. More than my own death, I fear his absence. If it’s related to his well-being, all the years of effort I’ve put in could crumble instantly. Even with the easy and ideal path before me, I choose the difficult and foolish one.

Some might call it love, but I can never acknowledge it. That feeling, that emotion, will remain a mystery to me until I die.

“Where is he?… That person.”

Even if it’s just cowardly self-justification.

“The Guild Leader is at our base right now.”

As soon as Raphael finished speaking, I went into my room and changed clothes. My hands trembled the entire time, even just buttoning a few buttons. After all, he said Sang might die. I didn’t have the luxury of reasoning whether I was making the right choice or committing an irreversible mistake.

My mind was consumed by one thought. What could have driven him to the brink of death? It probably wasn’t an injury from the dungeon. No matter how serious the injury, with Raphael’s healing abilities, it would be hard for him to die. So, it must be something else. And to think I’m the only one who can save Simeon… What exactly is Raphael expecting from me?

‘I thought that if it were you, the Guild Leader might somehow finally open his heart.’

Why am I only now recalling those words? Just in case, I grabbed the seashell that could summon Michael. When I stepped out of the room, Raphael jumped up as if he had been waiting and spoke.

“Are you really going to help?”

“I don’t know what I can do, but…”

Raphael finally seemed to relax, sighing in relief. The unusually gloomy sky caught my eye as I began locking the door to prepare to leave the house. The dark clouds looked like they might pour down with rain at any moment.

“Will a boat be able to sail in this weather?”

“A boat?”

“Yes. The Apostles’ base is in the middle of the ocean, so we’ll need a boat, right? Or maybe a helicopter?”

I asked worriedly, and Raphael exclaimed, “Ah,” as if he just realized something.

“If it’s that, we’re fine. Does your house have a door with a keyhole?”

“A keyhole…?”

The front door had an automatic lock, so that wouldn’t work, but fortunately, the bathroom door had a keyhole. I pointed towards the bathroom, and Raphael walked over and stood before the door. Then he started rummaging through his coat pocket, and I couldn’t help but ask out of curiosity.

“What are you trying to do?”

“I’m going to open up a passage to The Ark.”

“…The Ark?”

“Those who’ve received Noah’s key can enter and leave The Ark from anywhere at any time.”

Noah? The Ark? Is he talking about the abilities of the awakened individuals who live in The Apostles’ base?

While I was pondering, Raphael pulled out a thin, long stick from his pocket. It was unmistakably an olive branch, complete with smooth leaves and green berries. When he inserted the olive branch into the small keyhole, a faint light streamed out from the crack in the door with a click.

When Raphael finally opened the door, a humid breeze rushed in. There was a distinct scent of the sea, and the vast blue ocean stretched out beyond the door.

“What the…?”

My jaw dropped open. In an instant, the ordinary bathroom door had become a passage leading to the ocean. The stark contrast between the house and the ocean divided by just a threshold was surreal, no matter how many times I saw it. Even the wildflowers swaying between the cliffs and rocks sculpted by the rough waves seemed strangely familiar.

As if reading my mind, Raphael stepped over the threshold and spoke first,

“Looks familiar, doesn’t it?”

“…It’s The Apostles’ base.”

“Yes. We call it The Ark.”

The base, floating alone on the sea, did resemble a ship, but calling it an Ark… When you insert the olive branch, known as ‘Noah’s key’, into a keyhole, it creates a passageway to The Ark. This must be how The Apostles always appear so suddenly at the scene of incidents.

I carefully stepped over the threshold with wary eyes, feeling the grass and soil beneath my feet. The vivid sensation reminded me it wasn’t a dream, making the situation feel even stranger. Meanwhile, Raphael quietly closed what was once the bathroom door and made a request.

“Can you please keep this a secret? It’s forbidden to open The Ark’s door in front of anyone who isn’t an apostle.”

“Uh…sure.”

I nodded reluctantly. It’s not like anyone would believe me if I told them.

Out of curiosity, I looked back, but instead of the old bathroom door, there was only the entrance to the modern, museum-like base. The sight, though familiar, was uncomfortable. I’d done such reckless things to escape from this prison surrounded by the vast ocean. The memories of those days made me clench my fists without realizing it.

“So, what’s Simeon’s condition now?”

I asked, bracing myself, but Raphael’s answer was disheartening.

“…I don’t know.”

“What?”

“No one has seen him.”

Didn’t he say Simeon might die? How can he know that if no one has seen him? My suspicion must’ve shown on my face because Raphael calmly explained as he led the way inside the base.

“Only a few people in The Apostles know this, but the guild leader has a Sabbath.”

“Sabbath…? You mean like a day off?”

“No. It’s just a name we gave it for convenience, but it means something entirely different. Anyway, when that day comes, he doesn’t leave his room. He even asked us never to enter the room, saying he would come out when the time was right. It felt like he was locking himself in.”

This is the first I’ve heard of this. What happens when he doesn’t even allow fellow apostles to enter? According to Raphael, Simeon doesn’t trust even the guild members he works with…. Is it some secret that can’t be revealed to anyone?

“What does he do in there?”

“…I don’t know.”

“What?”

“Apostles can’t enter because of the barrier the Guild Leader set up…. But normally, he would come out in a day or two, so we thought it would be the same this time. But now, it’s already been two weeks. Even when we leave food at the door, it remains untouched. And sometimes, we hear things breaking or shattering inside. Last night was particularly bad.”

Raphael suddenly stopped in the middle of the maze-like hallway. He looked around as if to make sure no one was there, then whispered softly.

“I think… he might be seeing things.”

“Like hallucinating?”

“I overheard him once while leaving food at his door. He was talking to himself, but it sounded like he was conversing with someone.”

Hallucinations? And he’s even talking to them… I have a bad feeling about this. Simeon’s condition might be worse than I thought. A sudden wave of anxiety made my mouth go dry.

After a while, Raphael stopped in front of a familiar door. The black wooden door, with its curved engravings, was the one leading to the room with <Portrait of Saint-Germain>, where I’d come to meet Simeon before.

“Is he in there?”

Raphael quietly nodded and reached for the doorknob. At that moment, there was a crackling sound, and sparks flew. Unlike me, who jumped in surprise, Raphael calmly looked at his hand as if he expected this. His fingertips were swollen and red as if they had touched something hot.

Before I could ask if he was okay, Raphael grabbed my shoulder and said,

“It’s a barrier meant to keep us apostles out, so you should be able to enter. And… the Guild Leader might listen to you, Hyung. I’m sorry to involve you in something like this, but…….”

“You don’t need to apologize. I chose to come.”

I gently removed his trembling hand from my shoulder. I could feel Raphael’s tension through his shaking hand, but I spoke as calmly as I could, knowing that he was as desperate to save Simeon as I was.

“Raphael. Wait here until I come out.”

“Are you sure you’ll be okay alone?”

“I’ll be fine. If it gets dangerous, I’ll call for you right away.”

Raphael finally let go of my hand and took a step back. Then, standing in front of the door, I knocked.

“Simeon?”

I even called his name, but there was only silence beyond the door. I have no choice but to go in. I carefully turned the doorknob, and unlike before, when it sparked, the door opened quietly. I gave Raphael a reassuring look before stepping into the room alone.

Click—.

As the door closed, the room was plunged into deep darkness. The first thing I saw was <Portrait of Saint-Germain>. The only light in the room came from the small lamp hanging above the painting. After a while, my eyes adjusted, and I could finally make out my surroundings.

The area looked like someone had ransacked it; the scene was utterly devastating. Lights, flowerpots, and cups—anything that could shatter lay scattered in fragments across the floor, and there were marks on the walls where something had struck them. No furniture stood upright. Even the carpet was stained with old blood, hardened into a crust.

Amongst the chaotic mess, only <Portrait of Saint-Germain> remained untouched. The ‘Johan’ trapped in the painting smiled brightly as if observing the tragic scene. The bizarre contrast made the room, already reminiscent of a battlefield, seem even more dreadful.

Then, suddenly, I noticed it.

“………!”

Someone was standing in the shadows.

Simeon’s attire was too neat for someone who hadn’t left his room in days. But the moment he turned his head toward me, I flinched.

He was a living corpse. His pupils were lifeless, and his skin was deathly pale. There was a cut on his cheek from something sharp, and his hands looked horrible. The bloodstains on the floor seemed to be his, judging by the red marks on the white cuffs of his shirt. The chill that wrapped around my body left me unable to speak.

His lifeless eyes scanned the room before finally settling on me. Simeon’s gaze met mine. But strangely, he didn’t react at all. I thought he might at least get angry for barging in uninvited, but he just stared blankly at me before letting out a faint laugh and murmuring quietly.

“You’re here?”

I was so startled that I just stood there, stunned. Simeon spoke again.

“You’re early today, Johan-hyung.”

The weak smile on his lips was tinged with resignation.

Hearing the name ‘Johan-hyung’ in real life when I’d only heard it in dreams made my head throb. Had he discovered my secret? But the way he spoke was strange. If he said, ‘you’re early today,’ then it means I was here yesterday, too…

Suddenly, Raphael’s voice echoed in my mind.

‘I think he’s seeing things…’

Right. Simeon was currently hallucinating. And in his hallucination, he was seeing Johan in me, Johan, who no longer exists. Does this mean the hallucinations he’s been having, the person constantly talking to him, the one who isolated him in this dark room, was actually me…?

I was too shocked to do anything but stand there, frozen. Even though my reaction was unnatural, Simeon didn’t question it. His empty eyes seemed unable to distinguish between reality and illusion.

“Please just go back today… I don’t want to see you.”

Simeon staggered over to the table, picked up a cup with trembling hands, and took a drink. A drop of water slipped from his parched lips and clung to his chin. But Simeon didn’t bother to wipe it away, staring blankly into space.

“Simeon.”

When I cautiously called his name, the hand holding the cup trembled. It seemed he could hear my voice. So, at the very least, I could try talking to him. I approached him carefully, trying not to provoke him.

“Are you okay?”

The sound of him setting down the cup broke the silence. The unspoken warning not to come any closer made me stop in my tracks. His piercing eyes glared at me from the darkness.

“Are you worried about me?”

“Of course…..”

Before I could finish, a cynical smile curled his lips.

“Hah, do you think you have the right to worry about me?”

“I…”

“You left me behind so easily, and now you feel sorry for me?”

His words struck me to the core, leaving me speechless.

Yeah. This is reality. The reunion I experienced in my dreams was just a fantasy I created for myself. There’s no such thing as a ‘heartfelt’ reunion where we honestly share our feelings and understand each other. What Simeon is doing now is the right response. It’s natural for him to resent me, to scorn me. But why does his sharp hostility feel like a knife twisting in my heart?

As I lowered my head and averted my gaze, Simeon let out a derisive snort.

“Why are you the one who looks hurt? I’m the one who was left behind.”

He gave me a look full of contempt in his sorrowful, twisted eyes. I should have told him he was hallucinating, but my tongue felt like someone had cut it out, rendering me speechless. The longer I stayed silent, the more agitated Simeon became.

“Try to make an excuse. Go on… Did you come here to stop me again?”

I didn’t need to ask what he meant. Simeon reached out his hand, revealing his wrist beneath his sleeve. Underneath his watch strap, countless scars told the story of how many times he had tried.

Even though I saw it with my own eyes, I couldn’t believe it. Simeon frowned at my disbelief.

“Why are you pretending you don’t know? Every time I tried to kill myself, you’ve been there to stop me.”

“………”

“When I tried to cut my wrist, you already had the knife. When I was about to jump, you were already standing at the cliff’s edge…. You knew, didn’t you? That even if you were just a hallucination, I couldn’t hurt you. That’s why I couldn’t even attempt suicide!”

His face twisted in a strange blend of contempt and amusement as he laughed.

“Because of you, everything in my life is ruined. Because of someone who I’m not even sure is dead or alive, I’ve ended up not knowing whether I’m dead or alive.”

Finally, in a voice trembling with barely suppressed anger, Simeon pleaded with me.

“What will it take for you to let me go?”

I had been holding on so far, but that one sentence made everything collapse. I never expected to hear the words I’d repeated so many times before come out of his mouth.

‘So just say it. Tell me you’ll let me go.’

I’d been too focused on running away. My hands were already empty, and I thought it would be over once Simeon let go. But the tangled threads between us weren’t that easy to unravel.

Who is holding onto whom? Where is the first knot in this relationship that I can’t even begin to untangle? Where did it all go wrong? And what’s the point of figuring that out now? We’re both already so broken.

“I thought I’d finally forgotten, but why did you return and make things so hard for me? Why?”

As Simeon ran a hand roughly through his hair, the blood from his hand stained his forehead. It wasn’t until I saw that blood that my senses returned. If I drag this out any longer, it’ll only worsen Simeon’s condition. I took another step toward him and reached out my hand.

“Simeon. Please calm down….”

“Stop it!”

His desperate shout echoed in my ears. He then wiped his pale face and muttered in a strained voice.

“Please… let me go.”

“Simeon.”

“Just go away!”

Simeon grabbed the glass on the table and threw it at me. I didn’t have time to dodge and raised my arm to block it. The glass, already cracked, shattered against my wrist. The shards flew up and struck my forehead, leaving a sharp pain and a trickle of something warm. Blood.

“Ugh….”

As I wiped the blood away with my fingertips, I heard the sound of the table being overturned. When I looked up, I saw Simeon’s shocked eyes staring back at me.

“……Hyung?”

His face, already pale, lost what little color it had left, turning ashen.

“Why…… are you bleeding…?”

He must not have expected the glass to hit me, thinking I was just a hallucination. Simeon pushed the overturned table aside and hurriedly approached me. He pulled a crumpled handkerchief from inside his jacket and frantically tried to wipe the blood from my forehead. His hands shook so badly that it looked like he was under the influence of drugs.

“I-I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Are you hurt?”

“I’m sorry, hyung. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

We weren’t getting anywhere. Simeon fidgeted nervously, like a child who’d accidentally broken a glass. Even though the bleeding had stopped, he couldn’t calm down, his hands uncontrollably trembling as he kept wiping at my wound. No matter how many times I told him it was okay, it didn’t help. The eyes that had been filled with contempt just moments ago were now clouded with deep anxiety.

In the end, I forcibly took hold of his hands and spoke firmly.

“It’s not that bad. So don’t worry.”

Fortunately, Simeon didn’t pull his hands away. Taking advantage of the brief calm, I carefully examined the wounds on his hands. Up close, they were in much worse condition than I’d thought. The cuts and slashes hadn’t been treated properly, and they were now festering, oozing pus. I couldn’t just leave him like this.

Gently patting his arm as if soothing a child, I spoke in the calmest tone I could manage.

“I’m going to get Raphael. Wait here.”

As I started to turn away, he grabbed my arm.

“Don’t go.”

The strength of his grip made me gasp. The harder I tried to pull away, the tighter he held on. His grip was so tight that his bones stood out against his skin. Just as I was about to push him away because my arm was going numb, our eyes met. Looking at his miserably distorted face, I couldn’t bring myself to tell him to stop.

“I’m sorry. E-Everything I said earlier was a lie.”

His usually sharp eyes were now clouded as if they no longer knew where to look. The man who always presented a perfect image was now as anxious as a child afraid of being abandoned. Before long, like a dam breaking, tears began to flow down his cheeks.

“I won’t tell you to disappear anymore. I must’ve been crazy for a moment. So, please stay with me, okay?”

All I could do was stare at him dumbly, afraid that I might disappear again.

“Don’t hate me. Hyung… don’t abandon me.”

I had always wondered why Simeon was so desperate to find Johan, why he locked Johan inside <Portrait of Saint-Germain> and stared at it for days. And yet, when I called Johan a ‘precious person,’ why did he react so coldly? Why did he trap himself in the past while simultaneously try to escape it?

Now, looking at him, I understood.

This was a mixture of love and hate. A twisted affection and hatred that was constantly eating away at him. The remnants of the past lingered as a hallucination, preventing him from moving forward. Even though he knew he was making himself sick, Simeon couldn’t ignore the hallucinations. What kind of resolve does it take to drink poison knowingly?

“Please, don’t disappear from my sight.”

What kind of determination is required for that?

Suddenly, I remembered something Simeon said when he told me the condition for removing the collar.

‘People you love or hate never disappear from your mind, no matter what you do, wherever you are…. When love and hate combine, it becomes an even stronger emotion.’

How could I have forgotten?

At the orphanage, he never opened his heart to anyone, not because he hated people, but because he feared separation. I wasn’t the only one suffering in this contradictory relationship. It’s harder for the one left behind than the one who leaves.

I gently held his scarred hand and whispered softly.

“…I’m sorry.”

It took a long time to force out those few words as if something was stuck in my throat. I know I don’t deserve to shed tears. But how can I remain calm when the person I want to be the happiest is miserable because of me?

As I silently wept, Simeon wiped my tears away with tender care, as if his own festering wounds didn’t hurt.

“Hyung. Don’t cry. It’s my fault. It’s all my fault.”

Every time he repeated those words, it felt like my heart was being torn apart. I’m the one who should be sorry, the one who should be asking for forgiveness…. But no words can free him from this pain right now. Still, I could give him a brief reprieve.

“Michael.”

Holding the hand that cradled my cheek, I quietly murmured the angel’s name. A single ray of light bloomed in the darkness. That pale light soon took the form of a bird, softly gliding through the air. As the light from its fluttering wings sprinkled over his black hair, his eyelids, which seemed like they would never close, slowly drooped.

As I embraced the staggering Simeon, I whispered softly in his ear.

“I firmly resolve to sin no more and to avoid the near occasion of sin.”

This is a prayer of repentance, a plea for salvation.

Not for me, who committed an unforgivable sin….

“Have mercy on him.”

I have committed too many sins to ask for forgiveness.

“I don’t mind being abandoned….”

But this man, who was broken because of me, this child, who had nowhere else to turn.

“Please… take care of the most forsaken soul.”

As soon as I finished the prayer, Simeon lost consciousness and collapsed. If I didn’t catch him, he would’ve fallen and hurt himself badly. But I hadn’t anticipated just how heavy an unconscious person could be.

“Ugh…!”

Unable to withstand the weight of his falling body, I was pushed back and slammed into the wall. Luckily, the wall was there, or Simeon would’ve crushed me under his weight. Holding up a man who was at least a head taller than me and unconscious was no easy feat.

Struggling to lift him, I eventually called for help from outside.

“Raphael!”

The moment I called his name, Raphael burst into the room. It seemed the barrier placed on the door had disappeared when Simeon collapsed. Raphael’s face turned pale when he saw me barely holding up Simeon against the wall.

“The Guild Leader… Is he okay?”

“He’s just asleep. We should move him to the bed.”

“Oh…! Wait a moment!”

Raphael quickly ran outside and returned with a security guard. The guard seemed to have been briefed on the situation, as he approached calmly and helped support Simeon. Together, we managed to get Simeon onto the bed.

The guard quietly covered Simeon with a blanket and spoke to Raphael.

 “Is there anything else you need?”

“Not for now. If anyone asks for me or the Guild Leader, please tell them we’re busy.”

“Understood. I’ll leave you to it.”

After the guard left, Raphael and I examined Simeon’s condition more closely. Under the bright light, he looked utterly exhausted. His face was gaunt, with sunken eyes showing signs of having gone without sleep for days. The most urgent thing to treat was his hands. They were in terrible shape from throwing and breaking things, as if he’d rolled on broken glass.

As I stood there, unsure where to start, Raphael sat on the bed and spoke.

“I’ll take care of it from here.”

Raphael carefully selected a black gemstone from his collection and placed it on Simeon’s hand. Soon, he struck the stone with a chisel, and a burst of black light shot out. The light slowly spread like smoke, and the torn wounds on Simeon’s hands healed rapidly. Finally, as color returned to his pale face, I felt a wave of relief.

“Ah….”

Raphael’s body slumped as he let out a deep sigh, his tension finally releasing. I gently patted his shoulder, trying to comfort him.

“You did well.”

“You were the one who did well, Hyung…. Thank you so much.”

Raphael, usually full of playful mischief, bowed his head in sincere gratitude. An oppressive silence settled over the room. I couldn’t think of what to say, so I just watched Raphael, who eventually broke the silence with a cautious voice.

“What did the Guild Leader say to you?”

“Well…”

He seemed genuinely unaware, not trying to pry. Simeon had spoken loudly enough that Raphael could’ve overheard if he had wanted to, but it seemed he’d intentionally given us privacy. Since Raphael was such an honest person, I wanted to be truthful with him, but I was hesitant to reveal anything related to ‘Johan,’ considering Simeon’s secret.

“It seems personal, so I don’t think I should say.”

“Ah… I understand.”

Raphael sighed deeply, and his face grew even more shadowed. I wondered if he was worried about me, so I quickly reassured him.

“Don’t worry. I may not look it, but I’m good at keeping secrets. I won’t tell anyone about what happened today. Besides, thanks to this collar, I can’t even if I wanted to.”

“I wasn’t worried about that. You’re not the type to talk behind someone’s back.”

“Uh, yeah…”

I awkwardly laughed, avoiding his sincere gaze.

I wondered how I appeared in those pure eyes. I wasn’t as good a person as he thought, nor was I someone who positively influenced Simeon. A pang of guilt weighed on me.

While lost in thought, I suddenly heard Raphael speak determinedly.

“Hyung, I’ll repay this debt someday.”

“Huh? You don’t have to. I wanted to help, after all.”

“Even so.”

The atmosphere around Raphael remained heavy. I couldn’t help but feel concerned that Raphael, who was naturally gentle, was constantly exposed to bad situations because of me. Trying to lighten the mood, I forced a teasing smile.

“Then let’s say you repaid the debt when you treated me before. How about that?”

I spoke half-jokingly, but Raphael shook his head solemnly.

“That’s not enough.”

“Hey, it’s really okay.”

“Please, let me know if you ever need my abilities. I will always help you, Hyung.”

Seeing his serious expression as he looked at Simeon, I couldn’t continue joking around. Feeling embarrassed for laughing earlier, I awkwardly ran a hand through my hair. That’s when Raphael suddenly noticed something on my forehead.

“That wound….”

His face turned pale with alarm, so I touched my forehead, realizing it stung slightly. The cut was from when Simeon had thrown a glass earlier. It didn’t hurt much, so I’d forgotten about it, but Raphael seemed to think I’d been hiding it on purpose. He looked at me with concern.

“Did the Guild Leader do that?”

Feeling the air grow heavier, I quickly adjusted my bangs.

“Oh, it’s nothing.”

“It’s not nothing. You seem to treat your body carelessly.”

“Isn’t it ridiculous to fuss over a small scratch?”

Even as I waved my hands to reassure him, Raphael didn’t relent. He started digging through his pouch of gemstones, likely intending to use his powers to heal the minor cut, so I quickly grabbed his wrist and jokingly stopped him.

“Ah, Doc, this kind of thing quickly heals if left alone.”

“Hajae-hyung, you shouldn’t take even small wounds lightly.”

“It’s a waste of medicine. But if it really bothers you, I’ll apply it later. I promise.”

When I extended my pinky finger to make a promise, Raphael narrowed his eyes as if he were still skeptical. At that moment, the default ringtone of a phone rang. Out of habit, I reached for my pocket, only to realize belatedly that my phone was on vibrate. I smiled at Raphael.

“Well, what can we do, Doc? You got a call. As much as I’d love you to keep treating me, it looks like it’ll have to wait.”

I winked playfully, and Raphael sighed as if admitting defeat. Seeing the faint smile spread across his lips, I finally felt relieved. But as soon as Raphael took out his phone and checked the caller ID, his expression stiffened slightly. It didn’t seem like a call he was happy to receive.

“Is it urgent?”

“…Somewhat.”

“Then why don’t you go and take it? I’ll stay here and keep an eye on him.”

Raphael glanced between his phone and Simeon before finally standing up and saying, “I’ll be back in just a moment.”

“Sure, take your time.”

I waved my hand gently like a teacher sending off a student, but as soon as the door closed, I quietly erased my smile. After making sure the sound of footsteps had disappeared, I took the seashell out of my pocket and let it fall to the floor.

“Michael…thank you.”

The shell that’d been glimmering under the bright light was instantly sucked into the shadows. The price had been paid. I didn’t know what kind of dream Simeon was having right now, but I hoped I wouldn’t appear in it.

I watched Simeon sleep soundly without a single movement, and suddenly, the sight of his wrist from earlier came to mind. I gently turned over his hand sticking out from under the blanket and lowered the watch strap slightly with my index finger. The mark of a sharp blade running over his blue veins was still there. It seemed even Raphael couldn’t erase old scars.

‘Only a few Apostles know it, but the guild leader has a Sabbath.’

He endures the most painful moments in what should be the most peaceful of times. When did this “Sabbath” begin? Why does he see hallucinations? And how many times has he locked himself in a dark room? As many as the number of scars? Or perhaps as many nights as have passed since we parted?

I felt a vague sense of guilt and unease. We were only together for a year. Of course, during that one year, I experienced more emotions than I care to admit. But after we parted ways, I tried hard to forget, and my life didn’t fall apart completely.

But Simeon…no, Sang…

‘Because of you, everything in my life is ruined. Because of someone who I’m not even sure is dead or alive, I don’t even know whether I’m dead or alive.’

To him, was I more than just a fleeting fever? Was the one year we spent together heavier than the seven years apart? Had he not forgotten me for even a single moment during all that time? The thought twisted my already chaotic mind into an even more complicated knot.

I make him suffer long and hard, feeling guilty all the while, yet I find solace in the fact that he still hasn’t forgotten me. I despair because his feelings are the same as mine, but I’m glad that he still wants me. I cherish him more than I do myself, yet I still feel sickened by my decision to keep hiding my identity.

“…I’m the crazy one.”

The real lunatic wasn’t him but me. I let out a hollow laugh and gently traced the scars on his wrist with my fingertips.

Suddenly, Simeon grabbed my hand. Startled, I tried to pull away, but he held on so tightly that I couldn’t move an inch. I thought it might be sleep-talking, but when I looked at his face, Simeon was staring at me with half-open eyes.

“Who…?”

His voice was rough, laced with a sharp edge of suspicion. He didn’t seem fully awake yet, so I deliberately answered in a higher tone.

“You’re awake already? You should sleep a little longer.”

“…Hyung?”

Just hearing that title made my heart drop. Was he still seeing hallucinations? I leaned closer to him, lying in bed so he could see my face clearly, and asked,

“Don’t you know who I am?”

With every blink, the focus slowly returned to his blurry eyes. Soon, his consciousness seemed to return fully, and Simeon shot up from the bed. His wide eyes trembled, reflecting his confusion.

“Why is Mr. Hajae here…?”

“Raphael is pretty good, isn’t he? Considering how you looked like you were on the verge of death, you’re doing quite well now.”

“I asked why you’re here.”

Unable to withstand his piercing gaze, I confessed the truth.

“Raphael asked me to come. For two whole weeks, you were locked in this room that even apostles aren’t allowed in, so he asked me to help.”

“Two weeks…?”

Simeon seemed particularly startled by the duration of his confinement. It seemed he had lost all sense of time in that dark room in his dazed state. Meanwhile, the wrist he was holding started to ache, so I gently moved my arm and said,

“Now that you know, could you let go?”

“…Ah.”

Simeon let out a small sigh and finally released my wrist. I thought he might have grasped the situation, but Simeon remained deep in thought for quite some time. He seemed to be contemplating something, his eyes darting around before suddenly locking onto me with a cold stare.

“Did I…say anything strange to you?”

“Something strange?”

“Something I wouldn’t say to you.”

For some reason, Simeon was now trying to gauge my reaction. As soon as I saw the anxiety in his expression, I realized something important: he didn’t just lose his memory of the past two weeks; he also forgot what he said to me.

I felt a wave of relief as I calmly lied.

“You didn’t say anything.”

“Liar.”

“…Why ask if you won’t believe me anyway?”

Simeon pursed his lips, losing his words.

In truth, there was nothing good about recalling those memories. But if I kept them buried, Simeon’s condition would only worsen. Since I felt responsible, I knew I had to bring them to light, even if he pushed me away. But how could I break down his defenses? When he’s mentally unstable, I might stand a chance, but not with the current Simeon.

To ease the heavy atmosphere, I decided to start with something light-hearted.

“How’s your body? Are you hungry?”

“This has nothing to do with you, Mr. Hajae.”

His firm rejection reminded me of when he first brought me here. I didn’t know how we ended up on opposite sides, but relationships always leave the more curious party lingering.

“Do you really think I’m unrelated?”

I swept my hair back, revealing my injury from the glass. Simeon frowned.

“Did you get hurt because of me?”

“Yes. I approached you to calm you down, but you threw a glass at me.”

“…I’ll ask Raphael to take care of it later.”

Simeon seemed to soften a bit, perhaps feeling guilty. It was good that his impenetrable walls had lowered slightly, but I had deliberately left the wound untreated for a reason.

“There’s no need. Raphael offered to treat it, but I refused.”

“…Why?”

“I thought I could use your guilt to get you to talk.”

I said it with a straight face, showing no shame, and Simeon laughed incredulously.

“Mr. Hajae, why are you doing this all of a sudden? Weren’t you the one who didn’t want to be involved with me anymore?”

“I was. But now I want to hear your story.”

“Why?”

His gentle smile and soft voice were kind, but the dark eyes beneath his smoothly curved lashes weren’t laughing at all. His gaze bore into me, and I hesitated momentarily, feeling overwhelmed.

Would it really be worth it to make him talk? Even if it backfired, I had to take the gamble to get him to open his mouth. After taking a deep breath, I uttered a name I never thought I’d say again.

“Johan.”

Simeon’s expression noticeably hardened. I didn’t miss the chance to continue.

“You mistook me for ‘Johan,’ and you told me quite a bit.”

“What…?”

“That he abandoned you. That you want to die but can’t because of him… And that despite everything, you begged him not to leave.”

Simeon, who was usually so skilled at hiding his emotions, couldn’t conceal his shock when I mentioned Johan’s name. His deep pupils drifted aimlessly under his long lashes. I was confident I was close to breaking through when Simeon suddenly let out a light chuckle and looked at me as if nothing had happened.

“It must be disappointing, Mr. Hajae.”

“…What?”

“You’ve found a nice, juicy weakness, but you can’t tell anyone thanks to that collar around your neck.”

There was no doubt the smirk on his lips was a sneer. His unexpected response left me at a loss for words. Simeon took it further, stroking his chin like he’d realized something.

“Oh… is that why you’re telling me, perhaps? Are you seeking compensation for what the media would’ve given you?”

Things have taken a completely different turn from what I intended. Considering everything I’d done up until now, it was only natural that he would be suspicious of me, but this wasn’t the time to try and slowly clear up misunderstandings. I swallowed my frustration and spoke with a sigh in my voice.

“Simeon, do I seem like I’m holding your weakness against you and blackmailing you?”

“If that’s not it, then what is it?”

“I care about you…”

Seeing only mistrust in his eyes, I was about to blurt out more but stopped myself.

I shouldn’t overthink this. Trying to dig out secrets by throwing out bait will only lead me to get caught instead. Maybe I’ve been going about this the wrong way from the start. I needed to be honest first if I wanted to hear his true feelings.

“I’ve always wanted to apologize for what I did that day at the cliff. I’m sorry for showing you something that could’ve left a lasting trauma. It may sound like an excuse, but at the time, I thought it was the only option left. So, I know I have no right to say this, but…”

I let out a trembling breath and spoke heavily.

“Simeon, I’m worried about you.”

His already furrowed brows twitched. It seemed Simeon still believed I was hiding my true intentions. Perhaps we’ve come too far ever to trust each other again. Feeling oddly lonely, I let out a dry laugh.

“I know it’s suspicious, but I’m serious. When I heard you might die, my first reaction was concern. So, I want to know exactly how you’re doing right now.”

As I calmly tried to persuade him, the sharp atmosphere seemed to ease a little. But it was nowhere near enough to break down that impenetrable mask of his. Simeon shook his head with a look of pity in his eyes.

“Mr. Hajae, your problem is that you’re too soft-hearted.”

“What…?”

“That’s why someone like me can use you as they please.”

“Use me…?”

“Why are you acting surprised? You know it. You hated it so much that you slit your throat and jumped off a cliff. You risked your life to gain your freedom, so isn’t it too valuable to give up over some silly sympathy?”

His voice, laced with a hint of laughter, shot through me like an arrow, piercing deep into my heart. It wasn’t the bluntness of his words that hurt but the fact that he was right, leaving me with no room to argue. Clenching my fists tightly, I forced myself to speak calmly.

“Maybe I hated it then, but not anymore.”

“Because you pity me?”

“No, because… I understand you now.”

The corner of his mouth, which had been twisted upward, twitched.

Seven years after I ran away from Jeongdong Cathedral, Sang had become a completely different person named Simeon. When we first met again, his personality and way of speaking had changed so much that he felt like a stranger. And the plan to keep me close by any means necessary was infuriating.

“I kept asking you why you were doing this to me. But you ignored everything I said and did as you pleased. Who would like someone who tries to lock them up without even giving a reason?”

Yet, I didn’t hate it. That was the problem.

Whenever pure curiosity would flash in his dark eyes, which were as deep as the bottom of a lake, even memories I thought I’d forgotten would come flooding back. So, without thinking things through, I ran away. I thought Simeon, who now had companions unlike the lonely Sang from our childhood, would do just fine without me.

“But now, I think I understand your obsessive behavior towards me, and it’s changed my mind. The person who seemed so strong doesn’t have anyone to lean on when things get tough, which worries me. So, I want to help you as much as I can.”

My mind was in turmoil. In a world where I had solutions to most of my problems, only Sang remained an enigma. When I thought of him, countless emotions rose to the surface, making it impossible to define in a single word. How much did I struggle with my thoughts before coming back here? I couldn’t reduce it to mere sympathy; that would be too unfair to myself.

“If you still doubt my sincerity… Fine. In that case, as you said, I’ve forgotten everything I did that day at the cliff and came back because of that silly sympathy. Does that make sense to you now?”

As I wore a self-deprecating smile, a flicker of regret passed through his dark eyes.

“Mr. Hajae, what I said earlier…”

“It doesn’t matter how you see me or what meaning you assign to my actions. But now that I’m back, you have to talk to me. I won’t back down on that.”

When I firmly cut him off, Simeon slightly parted his lips as if he had something to say but clamped them shut. The smile that’d been so prominent on his face had vanished, leaving only a troubled look. Now that his guard had eased the most, there was one final thing I needed to say.

“Simeon, please think about the people who worry about you.”

The Sang of the past was very similar to me. We both had no parents and no home to return to. But things are different now. Unlike me, who has no relatives, friends, or acquaintances, Simeon has comrades. People who genuinely care about him.

“Even Raphael and your bodyguard disregarded orders and came to my house. They begged me to save you. As a guild leader, I’m sure you don’t want to worry them unnecessarily… So please, talk to me.”

I carefully placed my hand over his.

“Are you experiencing hallucinations that make you see ‘that person’?”

Simeon remained still for a long time. He didn’t push my hand away, nor did he hold it. He simply stared at it. As his long black eyelashes fluttered a few times, Simeon finally responded.

“…….”

He closed his eyes as if enduring pain, then opened them again. It was a clear affirmation. The wall surrounding him had finally crumbled. Overcome with emotion, I immediately asked about his condition, worried he might change his mind.

“Have you been to a hospital for counseling?”

“A long time ago. But they said that once the treatment is complete, the hallucinations will disappear.”

“Of course. That’s why you get treated.”

“I stopped it.”

“Why?”

I thought that if we kept talking, I might be able to persuade him to start treatment again. But that was a huge mistake.

“……Because I lose my resolve when I see that person’s face.”

As he mumbled with his head down, I caught a glimpse of the young Sang. For someone who had suffered for so long, the hallucination wasn’t just an illusion. To him, it was Johan, alive.

“It’s just a hallucination, but I can’t get rid of it. Isn’t that ridiculous?”

“That…”

“You can laugh at me if you want.”

The look in his eyes seemed to be hoping I would laugh. But unfortunately, I couldn’t even force a smile. As I stared at him with a stern expression, Simeon lost interest and turned his gaze away indifferently.

After a while, he began to speak quietly while gazing at the night sea outside the window.

“A year after that person went missing… I had an accident.”

“What kind of accident?”

“I was hit by a car in the city. Even though it threw my body quite far, I didn’t have any significant injuries, and I regained consciousness after a week.”

I had no idea. At that time, I’d cut off all contact with the outside world and was too busy trying to survive on my own. It wasn’t until I had settled into my life alone that I started searching to see if Sang may have become a hunter.

“When I opened my eyes, ‘that person’ was sitting by my bedside. At first, I thought he’d returned because he was worried after hearing about my accident. I was grateful that he came back, but I was also upset that he hadn’t contacted me at all, so I ignored him for a while.”

Simeon smiled bitterly and continued.

“Well, I was young and immature.” 

“So I didn’t realize until they discharged me that the person… was a hallucination only I could see.”

His profile, as he stared at some undefined point between the dark night sky and the pitch-black sea, was both sorrowful and beautiful.

“If I was going to get treatment, I should’ve done it then. But the thought of that person disappearing again made it impossible for me to get rid of the hallucination. So, my condition gradually worsened. I started talking to the air, laughing, and crying like a madman… No, not like—I really was mad.”

His detached tone, as if he were talking about someone else, was heartbreaking, and without realizing it, I gripped his hand tighter. Surprised by the sudden pressure, Simeon turned to look at me with wide eyes. Realizing what I’d done, I quickly let go of his hand as if I’d been burned.

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

But Simeon immediately reached out and grabbed my retreating hand, easily enclosing it within his palm. Then, he placed it on the blanket and continuously caressed the back of my hand and fingers with his fingertips. The touch tickled, making me want to pull away, but it felt like he was trying to distinguish between reality and hallucination, so I couldn’t bring myself to move. By the time his cold hand had warmed to a temperature similar to mine, Simeon spoke again.

“One day, I came to my senses and found myself standing on the edge of a cliff.”

“A cliff…?”

“Yes. The place where he always stood.”

Was he talking about the seaside cliff in front of the cathedral? I used to go there alone whenever I felt conflicted, not wanting to cause worry, but it seemed Sang always followed me secretly, watching over me. Gazing at the cliff closely resembling that place, Simeon began to speak.

“It was a sharp drop in front of me, but I wasn’t particularly scared. Like I was under a spell, all I could think about was jumping down there. But then… that person suddenly appeared and blocked my way.”

As he recalled that time, Simeon’s expression gradually darkened.

“When I tried to ignore him and jump, he stepped out into the air. It looked like he would jump first if I took even one more step. After that, no matter what dangerous act I attempted, he would always mimic me… with a bright smile, as if to show me.”

Shaking his head weakly, he smiled as if resigned to everything.

“It was as if he were saying, ‘If you want to die, kill me first.'”

To Simeon, the hallucination of Johan was both the reason he decided to die and the only reason he couldn’t. I was relieved that his attempts were repeatedly thwarted, but at the same time, I was anxious. Sang was someone who, since childhood, never knew how to give up and always achieved what he set out to do.

“So I thought… I need to erase him from my memory, even if it means I have to die to do it.”

His black eyes, which I thought had lost their vitality, shone with a strong determination. He still wanted to die, even if it meant erasing all the memories, even the brightest ones that had now turned into poison.

“Now, I’m looking for a way. Fortunately, awakening has brought me closer.”

As I quietly listened, a thought suddenly crossed my mind. Simeon wants to erase his memories of Johan, and he’s looking for a way to do it. And thanks to awakening, he’s close. There’s only one meaning behind these words.

“Could it be… you’re searching for a spirit item that can erase memories?”

Erase memories. Is there such an unrealistic ability in a spirit object? No, if it’s a spirit object, it’s possible. After all, spirit items have repeatedly performed miracles that defy scientific explanations. So, on that erases memories might just exist somewhere, even if the world hasn’t yet discovered it.

If so, the real reason Simeon became a hunter was…

‘The Guild Leader originally established The Apostles to collect spirit items efficiently.’

Suddenly, Raphael’s words came to mind, followed by the lingering doubts I had previously overlooked.

Why did Simeon, who liked to be alone, go to the trouble of establishing a guild? Why does he never stop collecting spirit items? And what was the meaning behind his words when he handed over the A-grade spirit creature, <Codex Gigas>, to me?

‘But why are you giving this to me? …Isn’t it something you need more than I do?’

‘I thought so, too… but it turned out not to be what I was looking for.’

Simeon had been searching ever since he became a hunter. Searching for a spirit object that could erase memories. As I was about to ask if my assumption was correct, Simeon gently released my hand and spoke.

“I’m sorry, but the rest is confidential information I can only share amongst The Apostles.”

His meaningful smile drew a clear line between us. I’m here, and you’re there. His calm eyes seemed to warn me not to cross the line. If I forced myself over that line, I felt like he wouldn’t open up again.

I closed my mouth, and Simeon smiled contentedly.

“I apologize for hurting you. And for mistaking you for him.”

“No, it’s fine…”

“I don’t know why, but when I see you, I think of him. It’s strange, you don’t even resemble him… yet the more you’re around, the less I see him.”

Is it because I share a similar personality or mannerisms to Johan? Or did he subconsciously recognize me as the same person? His straightforward gaze felt like it was piercing through me, so I subtly averted my eyes and mumbled.

“Maybe it’s just your imagination.”

“Imagination or not, it doesn’t matter to me.”

Simeon, who’d replied indifferently, suddenly reached out toward me. He approached so slowly that I could’ve easily avoided him, but for some reason, I couldn’t. No, I didn’t want to avoid him, so I remained still. Then, as if giving me one last chance, he paused his hand before my eyes and spoke.

“Wouldn’t you be greedy too if you were like me? Discovering that being driven mad by that person isn’t my only option?”

The black pupils visible between his long fingers were filled with a gloomy light. Unable to find the right words, I slowly closed my eyes, and finally, his hand touched the wound on my forehead. His touch was so cold it made me shiver involuntarily. But as I didn’t push him away, his touch grew bolder.

His fingers, rubbing my forehead, slid past my trembling eyelids and over my stiff cheeks, finally stopping at my chin. It felt like an icy raindrop had slid down my skin and settled at the edge of my jaw. I could feel his cold body heat in the utterly silent room.

I thought his hand would fall away, but instead, something cold soon touched my lips. When I opened my eyes, I saw Simeon’s face right in front of me. His lips were curled in a mischievous smile, though his eyes were not smiling at all.

“But it’s over now.”

“…Simeon.”

“I’m sorry for involving you when you had nothing to do with this.”

Although he’d approached cautiously, he now seemed ready to leave without any hesitation. Only I was left stunned. I couldn’t even tell if it had been his lips or his fingers that’d touched my lips, and I was as stiff as a tree frozen by the winter frost.

Meanwhile, Simeon spoke leisurely, seemingly relieved after sharing everything with me.

“Have all your questions been answered now? I think it’s enough to atone for having hurt you.”

Answered? If anything, I had even more questions now. What exactly are his intentions? What is his plan to achieve his goal? And finally, what will become of him once he successfully erases all memories of ‘Johan’? Everything was shrouded in mystery.

He certainly wouldn’t tell me easily, but I couldn’t back down now. If there really was a spirit item that could erase memories, then it’s something I need more than anyone else. Before death comes to claim me, I must get rid of the illusion in my mind.

“Wait a minute. I still have something to say…”

Just as I hastily began to speak, the door suddenly burst open. Raphael, who’d been putting his phone away as he walked in, nearly jumped with joy when he saw Simeon sitting on the bed.

“Oh, Guild Leader!”

Raphael quickly approached, immediately asking about Simeon’s condition.

“Are you alright? You’re not hurt anywhere?”

“I’m feeling ok. Thanks to you.”

“Ha, thank goodness. You have no idea how worried I was. As you asked, I kept this incident a secret from the other apostles, but I could only stall for so long. You didn’t come out for two weeks, and there were no signs of you eating. If it weren’t for Hajae-hyung’s help, I don’t know what would’ve happened… I don’t even want to imagine.”

As Raphael spoke without taking a breath, Simeon just sat there, quietly listening, lost in his thoughts. Finally, as Raphael finished with a deep sigh, Simeon smiled as if he had been waiting for the right moment and spoke.

“I appreciate your concern, but from now on, don’t involve people who have nothing to do with this.”

His soft tone somehow felt cold. It didn’t seem right to say that to someone who’d genuinely cared for him, but those who were ‘unrelated’ had no right to intervene.

Raphael glanced at me nervously, swallowing dryly.

“I’m sorry about that. But I was really worried about you, Guild Leader…”

“What was the cost of treating me?”

“Huh?”

“I’m curious what kind of gemstone you used.”

Startled by the abrupt question, Raphael answered hesitantly.

“…A black diamond gemstone.”

“Hmm. Good. It’s not too rare, so that’s a relief. I’ll ensure it’s recorded with the accounting team later.”

He probably didn’t mean to hurt Raphael with his words. His expression was earnest as he nodded. But because of that, it stung even more. It was as if he didn’t even give Raphael the chance to be concerned.

After a moment, Raphael spoke in an unusually subdued tone.

“I wasn’t doing it for compensation.”

“You haven’t forgotten the contract you made with The Apostles, have you?”

“No… but…”

I had no idea what the terms of The Apostles’ contract were, but Raphael didn’t argue further. The bobbing of his throat suggested he was swallowing down what he really wanted to say. Yet Simeon continued to simply watch as if he didn’t feel a single emotion. His expression was so still; it was as if he didn’t understand his feelings.

“So, was there any trouble with the spirit items while I was gone?”

Going straight to business… He really was harsh, both to himself and to his comrades. Before long, Raphael’s face showed signs of resignation. It seemed that he’d experienced such situations with Simeon before, and the disappointment didn’t last long.

“If you’re talking about <Blue Hope>, there are only premonitory symptoms.”

“Thank god.”

“However… perhaps because it was about to explode, three of the bodyguards protecting the spirit object fainted.”

“Are they hurt?”

“There were no external injuries. But they suddenly started vomiting blood.”

<Blue Hope>. I searched my memory for the name I’d heard many times before as Simeon wrapped up his conversation with Raphael as if he’d already finished his business.

“Good job. I’ll go check on it myself soon.”

“You just woke up, so there’s no need to overexert yourself…”

“Raphael. Go and rest now.”

Raphael couldn’t say another word at Simeon’s gentle yet firm tone. He bowed his head to us and then walked out weakly. As I watched his pitiful retreating figure, a cold voice was directed at me this time.

“You should go back now, too. I’ll repay you for your help another day.”

I wanted to ask why he was so harsh to his own colleague, but I knew he wouldn’t answer anyway. More importantly, there was something I needed to focus on now.

“If you want money, just say so. I’ll give you any amount you ask for.”

Simeon was after the next spirit item following <Codex Gigas>. It must be related to finding a way to erase memories. But why did the name of that item sound so familiar to me, someone who barely knew anything about mystical items?

“<Blue Hope>…”

Simeon frowned when he heard my muttering. At that moment, I remembered where I’d heard of <Blue Hope>. It was on a TV program I’d seen by chance, a fake documentary reenacting urban legends.

“One of the four cursed diamonds, right?”

A cursed diamond, a jewel that devours its owner, a hope that calls for blood. All these names belonged to the brilliant blue <Blue Hope>. As its vicious nickname suggests, anyone who owned this gem suffered unexpected calamities.

The farmer who first found the gem was mugged and murdered, the king who received it as a gift suddenly died from illness, and a merchant, driven mad by its beauty, committed suicide. Many people had their souls taken by the blue jewel. Because of its cruel and illustrious history, I vaguely recalled <Blue Hope>’s existence.

“Yes. I need to go before <Blue Hope> goes berserk, so would you leave now?”

Ignoring Simeon’s repeated insistence for me to leave, I voiced my questions one by one.

“This is strange. <Firebird’s Breath>, <Codex Gigas>… why are you only collecting cursed spirit items? Does it have something to do with finding a way to erase memories?”

“Why should I tell you that, Mr. Hajae?”

His response made me want to say, “You’re right.” Of course, he had no reason to tell me who wasn’t an apostle. But having found a reliable possibility to prevent the curse from transferring to an illusion, I couldn’t back down now.

“What if I uncover your objective first? Will you then tell me everything honestly?”

As I confidently met his gaze, Simeon stared at me in silence. His black eyes, as deep as an endless sea, revealed nothing of his thoughts. Then, with a faint smile, he posed a cryptic question.

“Have you ever revisited a puzzle you’ve solved perfectly?”

“What are you…?”

“I haven’t.”

Simeon whispered as he murmured, then quietly pulled off the blanket and got out of bed. As he suddenly loomed taller, I instinctively took a step back. Whether I appeared frightened or not, Simeon chuckled and continued.

“Human relationships are the same. All relationships start with curiosity, and connections continue because you’re intrigued by the unknown in others. But the moment that unknown is revealed, the relationship ends. You no longer need to think about that person, so they quickly fade from your mind.”

“…What are you trying to say?”

Even as I frowned and glared at him, Simeon didn’t answer. He stood tall, fixing his clothes, and looked impeccable. Once he had regained his usual flawless appearance, Simeon glanced down at me and spoke.

“If I no longer have any secrets, you’ll leave my side, Mr. Hajae.”

“That’s…”

“Am I wrong?”

I couldn’t even pretend to disagree. If I figured out how to erase these memories, there would be no reason for me to stay by Simeon’s side any longer. As he said, I’d leave again. I didn’t know his true motives and plans, but he’d already read me like an open book.

As I bit my lip in silence, Simeon smiled knowingly.

“If you’re curious about my goal, find out. Just like when you investigated me.”

I stepped back as he approached, but Simeon reached out his hand toward me. This time, I tried to avoid him, but he was faster. He roughly grabbed my collar and pulled me forward without giving me a chance to resist.

“And keep thinking about me constantly.”

“Wait…”

I felt a sharp pain at the back of my neck as if pricked by a thorn. But the force pulling on my collar only grew stronger. I could feel the multiple thorns piercing my tender skin. Unable to bear it any longer, I let out a faint groan through clenched teeth, and a fierce glint appeared in his eyes.

“…Just as I have, you.”

After those words, a strangely gentle smile appeared on his lips.

That was the last thing I remembered before I inexplicably fell asleep. When I regained consciousness, I’d already been thrown out of the Ark. Still in a daze, I returned home and sat in front of my computer. Even though I knew he’d been joking when he told me to find out if I was curious, I began searching anyway, just in case.

‘Memories’, ‘spirit items’, ‘memory loss’.

I typed in every word that came to mind. I even went to several libraries and scoured through documents. But there was no information anywhere on how to erase memories. I couldn’t tell if my assumption was wrong or if it was information that only hunters had access to.

A few days later, I heard the news that <Blue Hope> had gone berserk.

<Gate Opens in Gimpo Underground Bunker. 5 Seriously Injured in Mysterious Accident>

<Are the Recent Accidents Due to ‘Curse of Blue Hope’?>

It seems fitting for the ‘cursed diamond’ to cause injuries just by opening its gate. Realizing the gravity of the situation, the current <Blue Hope> owner had personally requested The Apostles to subdue the spirit item.

Curious, I searched more about <Blue Hope> and discovered something peculiar.

“…What?”

A long time ago, <Blue Hope> had gone berserk and caused a gate to open.

Usually, when a spirit item’s rampage is subdued for the first time, its abilities are awakened. The gate might reopen if the spirit item’s power is strong enough, but its abilities stay in their already awakened state. However, even though <Blue Hope>’s gate previously opened and hunters sealed it, the item still didn’t possess any abilities. That’s strange. Given its illustrious legend and the number of lives it claimed, that should never have been the case. Experts unanimously evaluated <Blue Hope> as a spirit object that should possess at least A-grade abilities. Even the D-grade <Firebird’s Breath> could resist fire. But in reality, instead of being A-grade, it became a useless spirit item with nothing but a name.

Where did it all go wrong? As I pondered, my conversation with Simeon suddenly came to mind.

‘To end a spirit item’s rampage, you must enter the gate and complete a specific mission.’

‘What kind of mission?’

‘It varies depending on the spirit object. Usually, it’s related to its origin.’

To subdue one, you had to perform a mission related to its origin. The Hunters back then probably entered <Blue Hope>’s rift and reenacted some historical event. The gate was closed thanks to that, but the item didn’t awaken.

“Did they perhaps fail…?”

No, if they had, the mystical spirit’s rampage wouldn’t have ended in the first place. Then there’s only one possibility left. The mission succeeded, but the process didn’t align with the spirit item’s will. Therefore, its abilities weren’t awakened, and now, decades later, the gate reopened. If we assume that, it makes sense. In other words, reenacting the historical event in the same way as before would be futile.

Simeon must’ve come to a similar conclusion. Then how would he subdue the spirit object? And why is he so deeply interested in <Blue Hope>, whose abilities are still unknown? Could it be related to finding a way to erase memories?

“Somehow…”

Somehow, I felt that delving into <Blue Hope> might lead me to Simeon’s ultimate goal. Perhaps, just like with <Codex Gigas>, I might discover the hidden abilities of <Blue Hope> by touching it.

How could I find out more about the secrets of this blue jewel? There were limits to the information I could find online. Simeon wouldn’t answer any of my questions anyway. I also didn’t want to put Raphael in a difficult position by using him as a go-between.

“…Wait.”

Do I really need to go through The Apostles? What I needed right now was information about <Blue Hope>. There’s no need to take the difficult path; I should just contact the current owner. It would be much easier to extract information from them than from the elusive apostles.

Fortunately, it didn’t take a lot of searching to find the owner’s contact information. <Blue Hope>’s current owner was a retired, world-famous violinist maestro, Shinhwan Joo. I immediately composed a few words to the email address listed beneath his kindly smiling photo.

[Hello, Sir.]

The email began very ordinarily,

[I’m the one who helped Simeon seal the <Codex Gigas> before.]

I wrote it to attract as much interest as possible, with sentences resembling voice phishing. It’s unclear whether a reply will come or not, but isn’t it worth it? I thought it would be beneficial just to read and pay attention.

However, the reply arrived within a day. His email was very dry, unlike mine, which had rambled on for over ten lines.

[I read the email you sent carefully. If you have time, I would like to discuss this in person.]

At the end of the email, he’d written his address.