FRWD Ch 15
by soapaHaseong stayed awake all night with his eyes open. His mental fortitude was not as tough as a cow’s sinew to be able to sleep peacefully after experiencing such things in a single day.
Around dawn, he heard the sound of the door opening and closing with an electronic beep, indicating that Yehan had returned home. But Haseong did not even pretend to notice, and Yehan, likewise, did not try to open the study door.
It was not until the sun was high in the sky the next day that the study door, which had remained firmly shut, slowly creaked open.
“Are you awake?”
Haseong looked up at Yehan with drowsy eyes. He had been leaning against the door the whole time, listening only to the sounds outside, and in just one night, his appearance had become no different from that of a wreck. In contrast to him, Yehan looked the same as usual, except for a slight darkness under his eyes.
Yehan looked surprised as he helped Haseong, who was slumped on the floor, to his feet.
“You didn’t sleep?”
Just like before, concern dripped from his voice as he spoke to Haseong. As if nothing had happened. Haseong wondered how he could act like that unless he had somehow completely erased last night’s events from his memory.
But since it was impossible to voluntarily erase memories unless one was a psychic, Haseong became keenly aware of a bitter truth.
He really isn’t normal in so many ways. Logically, after a fight like that, it would be natural for even the most thick-skinned person to feel some degree of awkwardness facing the other person the next day. Not to act so nonchalant like this… Haseong muttered as he swatted Yehan’s hand away.
“You locked up a perfectly fine person, so of course, I’m not some animal….”
“It’s because you wouldn’t listen to me, Haseong-ssi…. I can only feel at ease when I have you within my reach.”
Undaunted, Yehan reached out and tidied Haseong’s hair. This time, he firmly bound both of Haseong’s wrists with his other hand to prevent him from swatting his hand away again. Having lost even the will to resist, Haseong just bit his lip.
“So if I listen to you well like I used to, will you let me go?”
“Well, I’m of the opinion that once a person starts to go astray, they continue to go astray.”
“Are you describing me not acting according to your will, hyung, as ‘going astray’?”
“I’m also flustered because someone who used to be so good and listened well is suddenly acting like this.”
“……”
There was no getting through to him. It felt like he was talking to a giant wall all by himself. Before, he had been obedient because he did not know what kind of person Yehan was, and there was also a considerable age gap. But now that he knew Yehan’s true nature, there was absolutely no reason to act “good,” as he put it.
Yehan surely knew full well why he was acting rebelliously. He just had no intention of hearing the reason, nor any intention of trying to understand it. He was just annoyed to death that Haseong was not acting good like before. In the end, it was an attitude that could only come from a terribly selfish nature that had thrown all respect for the other person to the dogs.
“Can’t we just go back to our old relationship? We were a pretty good pair of partners, weren’t we?”
Just how lightly did he see him to even suggest going back to their old relationship? He had said it was difficult. Now, every word that came out of his mouth felt like a lie.
“Ah, I happen to have something to give you, Haseong-ssi. Just a moment.”
After forcing Haseong to sit on the sofa, he turned his back. Haseong took that opportunity to quickly pull out a memo, folded into a triangle like an envelope, from his pants pocket.
On the coffee table sat a cup of coffee that Yehan drank right after waking up. Steam was wafting from it, suggesting it had been brewed not long ago.
Haseong glanced sideways at where Yehan had gone. He was focused on getting something out of the kitchen refrigerator, his back to the living room. The chance was now or never. Haseong opened a corner of the memo and tipped several sleeping pills, which he had crushed throughout the dawn using the blunt end of a pen, into Yehan’s coffee.
Not knowing how much to give him to make him fall asleep right away, he had crushed as much as he could. Considering the possibility that Yehan might find the coffee taste strange after one sip and not touch it again, that was the best course of action. After dumping it all in, he quietly stirred it with a spoon, and the yellow powder dissolved into the black liquid without a trace.
In the meantime, Yehan walked back. Haseong put the spoon down and desperately played dumb. He clenched his fists so Yehan wouldn’t notice that his palms were soaked with sweat, and he glanced at him.
“Happy birthday. I was originally going to congratulate you as soon as it hit midnight, but, well… I’m a little late.”
In his hands was, unexpectedly, a cake. A cake with candles burning brightly. Only then did Haseong realize that today was his birthday, and at the same time, he once again felt Yehan’s abnormality. It would have been better if he had lost his temper and acted violently like last time. At least then, he could have figured out that, for some reason, this person was angry.
Until last night, it seemed he had been busy showing that he was just as upset as Haseong was. But today’s Yehan was… just bizarre.
Every word he uttered, every action he took, was subtly off. It was impossible to even guess whether he was in a good mood or a bad one, whether he was angry, or in an extremely rational state.
“What are you doing? Not blowing out the candles.”
Yehan, who gestured with his chin at the candles, urging him on, took a sip of his coffee and tilted his head slightly. Frowning faintly, he took another sip of the coffee and this time, put the cup down altogether. It worked. Haseong took a deep breath, praying that the effect of the sleeping pills would kick in immediately.
Melted wax was dripping down, ruining the white whipped cream cake. It was a perfectly fitting sight to commemorate what would be the worst birthday of his life.
Haseong stared grimly at the cake Yehan had prepared. If what happened yesterday had not happened…. He chewed on what-ifs that were now just futile to think about and met Yehan’s eyes.
“No matter how much I think about it, I don’t think I can continue living like this with you, hyung. I’m not unaware of what a stupid bastard I am. But I do know that this kind of relationship, this life, and you, hyung, are not normal.”
“…Don’t make me angry first thing in the morning and be quiet. Are you feeling frustrated? Then let’s go somewhere together right after we eat.”
A similar atmosphere to that time began to form again. The day he had said he would quit being his partner, Yehan had run wild with eyes glinting like a reptile’s; it was a déjà vu of that moment. He looked ready to get up and clamp a hand over Haseong’s mouth at any second. But Haseong continued to speak, undaunted.
“No, I don’t want to go anywhere with you anymore, hyung. We’re not in that kind of relationship, either.”
“Why aren’t we in that kind of relationship? We even have sex. Regularly, at that.”
“That… will also never happen again for the rest of my life. Find someone else to be your rut partner.”
“Haseong-ssi, I’m really about to get angry. There’s a limit to how much I can humor you just because it’s your birthday.”
Haseong had also reached his limit of endurance. He almost tore his throat out as he shouted.
“I said I want to be done with you, hyung. Being your hyung-dongsaeng, being partners, all of it!”
“How many times have I told you not to even mention the words ‘be done’—.”
Finally shooting up from his seat and striding forward with a frightening momentum, Yehan suddenly wavered, bracing himself on the coffee table.
The coffee cup, struck by the side of his hand, fell to the floor, making a loud shattering sound. Crash! The white floor was instantly dirtied with shards of the broken teacup and coffee. Yehan half-knelt on the messy floor, using the table as a support to barely maintain his balance.
“What the….”
His eyes, which always shone with affection, were now hazy as if he was drugged. His eyelids trembled as if he was forcibly trying to keep them from closing. Haseong helped Yehan to the sofa and sat him down, then muttered.
“Just as you said, hyung, when I’m pushed into an unavoidable situation… I lose all sense of shame.”
As if even leaning his body against the backrest was difficult, Yehan’s upper body slumped over limply. Haseong supported him and helped him lie down in a comfortable position. The drug should have spread throughout his entire body by now, but the way he stubbornly stayed awake with bloodshot eyes was truly tenacious.
Now that he thought this was truly the end, a contradictory desire reared its head again. Although he was in a drugged state, he wanted to burn this last image of him into his eyes for as long as possible. Because he would never meet anyone more beautiful and special than Yehan in his life. Although that specialness was a mix of positive and negative meanings.
It was a bit of a pathetic thought, but seeing Yehan in a state where he could not resist right before his eyes made his heart feel much lighter. Haseong whispered as if to himself.
“…Thinking about it now, from the moment you said you’d be my first fan, hyung, I think you were bound to be the only one for me. Whether that was sincere or a lie.”
“……”
“I really liked you…. You, hyung, and the time I spent with you. …So I’m going to stop. I don’t want to see you anymore, hyung.”
“…Haseong-ah, wait….”
Yehan arduously reached out his arm and grabbed Haseong’s hand. But there was no strength in his limp, drugged body; it was weaker than a child’s playful tug. Haseong gently pulled away the hand that was clinging to his fingers as if it were the only lifeline.
“Someone taught me this. That a farewell is when you’ll never see each other again.”
It was ironic that in a situation like this, he remembered the last words Yehan had said to him when he was a child before leaving. Just as he had said, he left only the fretless bass behind and never appeared again. …Though they did reunite like this after 12 years.
Ah, then maybe it wasn’t forever. Haseong, after a moment of uncharacteristically intellectual contemplation, shrugged his shoulders. What does it matter anyway. From now on, we really will never see each other again. The moment of true farewell was approaching.
“I hope it’s the same for you and me, hyung, from now on. …Then, goodbye.”
He placed the phone he had received from Yehan on the table and gave a final, deep bow.
He had already packed his basic belongings at dawn. He had deliberately left out the clothes he had brought with him. Because Yehan had bought all of them.
He had also scheduled an email to be sent to Jinho to coincide with his arrival time at the studio, saying, I’m truly sorry, but something has come up and I have to quit my job. I’ve uploaded the songs I’ve made so far to the cloud, so please feel free to use them as you see fit. He figured he did not need to contact Hyeongseok, so he let it be.
He was about to leave through the front door with his bag packed.
“…Where, where are you going. Where to….”
Yehan, stumbling, had crawled to the front of the door and grabbed his sleeve. His eyes, which he was stubbornly keeping open, were so bloodshot it looked as if tears of blood might flow at any moment, and his trembling fingertips suggested a state where it wouldn’t be strange if he collapsed right then and there. What’s more, his feet were covered in blood, as if he had walked right over the broken teacup.
The drugged Yehan was not in his right mind, and he, whose heart was aching painfully at this sight, was not in his right mind either. Haseong sat Yehan down on the entryway ledge, then calmly brought the first-aid kit and wrapped his feet tightly with bandages.
Even as he did so, Yehan’s body kept tilting precariously as if it would fall forward. Unable to watch any longer, Haseong pressed Yehan’s back completely against the wall to sit him up and covered him with the coat he was wearing.
“Just sleep.”
“Where to….”
He seemed to lack even the strength to lift his hand now. Leaving Yehan, who was muttering the same words like a broken doll, Haseong turned his back. Just before closing the front door for the last time, a hoarse voice screamed out Haseong’s name as if in a cry of despair.
“Yoon Haseong!”
Haseong did not look back.
Haseong, who had returned home by taxi, swept all his clothes and underwear into a large backpack. Naturally, he excluded the things Yehan had bought. Lastly, after packing the note his unnie had given him, his wallet, and his laptop, he went downstairs to meet the landlady.
After slinging the fretless bass he had left with her over his back, he told her to sell the 4-string bass he had been using and keep the money, but the old woman waved her hands in refusal, flustered.
“Where would I sell this thing? More importantly, young man, are you really moving out right now? I haven’t even found a new tenant yet….”
“If you have your grandson post a used item listing online, it’ll probably cover three or four months of my rent. Thank you for everything until now.”
“Oh, my. Wait a minute.”
The old woman, stomping her feet anxiously, brought her phone and transferred his security deposit. Since he was leaving before the end of the contract period, he had honestly half-given up on getting the full deposit back, so Haseong’s eyes widened when he checked the transferred amount.
“I feel so bad…. To think you had to live in a rooftop apartment and only go through hard times before leaving, I don’t feel right about it at all.”
“…It’s not like that. I lived here comfortably. You stay healthy too, ma’am.”
Leaving the rooftop apartment he had grown fond of, Haseong clutched the note his stepsister had given him before they parted like a talisman and headed for the terminal. The content of the note was nothing special. Just a greeting saying she had enjoyed their time together. That was all.
He had read it so many times, folding and unfolding the old scrap paper, that it was not just crumpled but also grimy with hand marks and on the verge of tearing. On top of it, round water stains began to blotch one by one, smudging the writing. He missed her. His only family. It was no longer possible to comfort himself by reading the note his unnie gave him whenever life felt overwhelming, telling himself there would be a day they would meet again.
He had impulsively packed his bags and come this far with the single-minded determination not to see Yehan again, but upon actually arriving at the terminal, a sense of helplessness washed over him, as if the ground beneath his feet had disappeared.
Where do I go? First, to a provincial area far from Seoul, anywhere…. Can I survive if I just go anywhere? Alone.
He had lost contact with his mother after he stopped sending her money, and he had no idea where his father was or what he was doing, or even if he was properly alive…. Even if he could contact him, he didn’t want to meet his father.
People passed by indifferently as Haseong sat on a chair, tears just dripping down. They all looked busy. He envied those who gathered in small groups in front of gates with destinations written on them, boarding the buses with open doors and leaving without hesitation. It was then that a public phone booth, which no one seemed to be looking for, came into his blurry vision. Haseong staggered into the booth.
She told me not to contact her…. Will I get scolded? What if she doesn’t welcome me? More importantly, it’s already been five years since she left, would she even still be using the same number she had back then? While swallowing all sorts of worries, his fingers calmly dialed the number. The long ringing tone eventually stopped.
—Hello.
It had been five years, but he knew instantly upon hearing it. It was his unnie. As no reply came from the choked-up Haseong, the nostalgic voice flowed from the receiver once more.
—Hello? Are you perhaps one of my students’ parents?
“…Unnie.”
He mumbled it softly like a whisper, but the person on the other end also seemed to know who he was from that one word and was silent for a long time. It was his unnie’s choked voice that broke the silence.
—…Haseong?
“I’m, I’m sorry for calling. But I….”
Gasping sobs finally mixed with Haseong’s voice.
“What do I do, unnie. It’s so hard…. I miss you….”
At the unmanned ticket machine, a passenger at the next machine glanced with a dumbfounded face at Haseong, who was buying a bus ticket with swollen eyes. Haseong awkwardly bowed his head and then took a cap out of his bag and put it on. There were still about 30 minutes left until the bus he had to take would arrive.
Haseong, just as his unnie had told him, headed to a pharmacy before getting on the bus. When he had very briefly explained his situation, starting from his presentation as an omega, she had told him to come to the Mokpo Express Bus Terminal and sternly ordered him to buy a pregnancy test and take it first. Only then did he remember that the hospital had also recommended he come back for a follow-up test in two or three weeks.
He had heard that the probability of getting pregnant was almost non-existent, and he had taken his medicine on time, so he had complacently thought it would be fine. The recent whirlwind of events had also contributed to Haseong’s forgetfulness. Still, in just a little while, he would meet his unnie, and he was finished with Yehan, so….
The sight of Yehan’s blood-soaked bare feet and the voice that had screamed his name kept flickering in his mind, but Haseong deliberately erased the thoughts. He was a person he would no longer see, a person who no longer mattered.
Haseong pulled his cap down low, quickly paid for only the necessary items, and went to the restroom.
He had reached a stage where he had somewhat accepted being an omega in his head, but a sense of discomfort still lingered in a corner of his heart. However, once this confirmation was over, he would be able to live a life no different from any other beta again, so he also felt relieved.
I will never have a relationship with an alpha again. After waiting, repeating this to himself over and over as if to brainwash himself, the result he received was two lines. Faint two lines.
In disbelief at the result, Haseong took off his cap and frantically ran his hands through his hair. He closed and opened his eyes, shook the test, held his breath and then inhaled again, and spun around a few times in place, but nothing changed. Haseong slammed his temples against the wall, thump, thump, and chewed on a curse.
“Fuck….”
At the end of the worst, an even greater worst was, as expected, waiting for him.
Saehyeong, who had unlocked the door and entered, was horrified to see Yehan slumped against the entryway wall as if dead, and the bloodstains that dotted the floor in the shape of footprints from the living room to the entrance.
“Hey, Yehan-ah! Go Yehan!”
His heart sank when there was no reaction even after he grabbed his shoulders and shook him. While he was at it, he even slapped his cheek, filled with his usual built-up feelings, but it was the same. His glasses fogged up instantly from his heavy, panicked breaths. Saehyeong wiped them and decided to enter the living room first.
“This is crazy. What is all this….”
The living room was an even bigger mess. Dried coffee and broken teacup shards were scattered messily on the floor, and on the table sat a lone white cake caked with dripped wax. He took out his phone and pressed the emergency call button, then hovered his finger over the call button and approached Yehan again.
“Snap out of it! Hey! You didn’t do drugs or anything, did you? I’m calling an ambulance, okay? I’m calling!”
If he had done drugs, things would get quite complicated, so it was better to wait until he came to his senses rather than taking him to the hospital right away. But he wasn’t the type to get his hands on that stuff, even if he partied a bit dirty, so Saehyeong’s confusion only deepened.
He wanted to wake him up quickly and ask, but the problem was that Yehan was in no state to give a proper answer. This is driving me crazy. Saehyeong clapped his hands repeatedly in front of Yehan’s face, making a loud noise. Just as his palms were about to catch fire, Yehan’s eyes slowly fluttered open, and he regained consciousness.
“……”
“You coming to? Open your eyes, please. I need to know what happened to figure out a plan.”
Saehyeong brought some water and held it to Yehan’s lips. If he had his way, he would have splashed the water in his face, but he held back. Yehan, sitting blankly and drinking the water as it was given, finally parted his lips.
“…Yoon Haseong.”
“What? Why is he….”
“Fuck…ing hell….”
“…Huh?”
In the more than eight years he had known him, this was the first time Saehyeong had seen Yehan use profanity in real life. The guy who always acted so damn refined and elegant by himself, who was picky about his roles, the guy who wouldn’t even look at drugs because he hated losing control, for his first word upon waking up in a situation where he was presumed to have taken drugs to be fucking hell….
In the surreal situation, Saehyeong stood frozen in place. Yehan roughly pushed him aside and got up.
“Move.”
But all his usual inhuman strength was gone; Saehyeong was not pushed back, but rather, Yehan staggered from the recoil and almost fell back down. Saehyeong quickly caught Yehan as he was about to slide to the floor.
“Whoa, be careful! Where are you trying to go in this state!”
“Let go. First, I need to search Yoon, Haseong’s house….”
“Did you really do drugs? What’s wrong with you….”
Anyone could see he was not normal, staring only at the front door with completely vacant, unfocused eyes. His voice was all hoarse, like the scraping of metal. Yehan glared at Saehyeong with bloodshot eyes and struggled.
“I said let go! Just tell me what time it is. How long has it been?”
“I-it’s past 5 PM…. Hey!”
Saehyeong, horrified to see him trying to kick open the front door barefoot, clung to Yehan’s waist. Looking closely, he saw that every time Yehan took a step with his heavily bandaged foot, a little blood would stain the floor. Saehyeong was almost in tears as he pleaded.
“No, no, no. Please, if you go out looking like that, there’ll be a huge headline about your drug scandal tomorrow. I can’t bear to see that.”
“I have to catch him. Now, within today…. I don’t know where he could have run off to, and I was just passed out asleep, fuck. Haseong-ie didn’t even tell me where he was going…. Where, where to….”
The guy who always leisurely plotted how to screw others over was now bustling about as if being chased by something. Although he could not understand what he was saying through his crazed, nonsensical rambling, he could at least tell who he had to “catch” from the name he kept crying out.
“Alright, I get it! I’ll drive, so please, let’s at least put on a cap and a mask. Huh?”
Saehyeong barely managed to put a mask and a cap on Yehan’s face. He entered the address Yehan called out into the navigation system and stepped on the accelerator. The guy, who for some reason was sitting in the passenger seat instead of the back, ordered him to speed up.
Faster, faster, faster. Don’t stop. Just ignore the signals and everything and drive! Scared of Yehan, who was shouting beside him, Saehyeong stepped on the accelerator as he was told.
As they neared the destination they had set, a narrow uphill road appeared that looked impossible for a car this big to climb. Yehan immediately opened the passenger door and jumped out, so Saehyeong had no choice but to stop the car and follow him.
Yehan, in his injured state, strode up the exterior stairs of a house at the top. Poor Saehyeong was dying, panting as he chased after him. On the rooftop they arrived at, an old woman was tending to a flowerbed, and the front door of the rooftop apartment, which clearly showed signs of having been recently replaced, was wide open.
Seeing the interior of the house, which was completely wrecked and under repair, Saehyeong felt inexplicably ashamed and looked away. In the meantime, Yehan, after rummaging through the house, began to look around the entire rooftop. Saehyeong let out a deep sigh and instead grabbed the old woman and asked.
“Have you by any chance seen Yoon Haseong-ssi today?”
“The young man who lived here? He moved out around noon….”
Oh, please. God, Buddha. The atmosphere of Yehan standing behind him was so terrifyingly chilling that he desperately craved the salvation of gods he did not even believe in.
“Did he perhaps say where he was going….”
The old woman shook her head from side to side. As an added bonus, she said that he seemed to be in a hurry for some reason and had left all his belongings behind when he moved out.
Saying that if they were his friends, they should take it and give it to him, the old woman came up carrying a huge instrument. Yehan, after receiving the instrument that wasn’t even his, stood there for a long time like a stone statue.
“…Really, forever and ever….”
His momentum was such that it would not have been strange if he were left alone to truly turn to stone and stand guard over this rooftop forever. Saehyeong cautiously patted Yehan’s back.
“…Let’s go. We can go find him.”
The man, who had been muttering fragmented words with a vacant stare, suddenly had a strange light flicker in his eyes as soon as he heard the suggestion to go find him. It seemed less like he had regained his sanity and more like even the ant-sized speck of rationality he had left had evaporated.
As if Saehyeong’s ominous premonition had hit the mark, he muttered, rolling his glistening eyeballs.
“…Right. This time, I’ll just make him a cripple for sure.”
💜
“Yoon Haseong!”
Haseong lifted his head at the voice that recognized and called his name as soon as he got off at the Mokpo Terminal. It was his noona. The owner of the eleven-digit number that had become perfectly imprinted in his memory after he had only ever debated whether to pretend he had forgotten her final request and call her, but never actually managed to make the call.
A long five years had passed without them seeing each other’s faces, but his noona, Choi Seorae, called Haseong’s name without hesitation. She had spotted Haseong immediately, even while standing at a distance where the crowd made it difficult to distinguish faces. And it was the same for Haseong.
“Noona….”
His noona, whom he was reuniting with after five years, was unchanged except for a slightly more mature appearance. But as he tried to get closer, his steps would not readily move. It was his noona who first approached her younger brother, who stood frozen in place as if his feet had grown roots. It was also she who first threw her arms around him in a tight hug.
“…Why are you so tall….”
At her voice, tinged with a faint wetness, Haseong also wrapped his limp arms around his noona’s shoulders. Like that, they just stood there hugging in the middle of the terminal for a long time.
After putting his bag in the trunk of the small compact car his noona drove, he carefully laid the fretless bass he had been carrying on his back in the backseat. Haseong let out an inaudible groan as he looked at the gig bag that filled the small car’s interior.
‘Why did I even bring this with me….’
When he left Seoul, he had been in such a state of panic that he had subconsciously packed only the things he thought he truly needed. In other words, it was proof that even in that situation, his subconscious still considered this fretless bass a truly necessary item. Haseong glanced at the bass with an uneasy look before closing the car door.
The small car driven by his noona drove for a long time even after leaving the terminal. It ran along a neatly paved asphalt road, then repeatedly turned onto bumpy, unpaved roads, until at some point, it was crossing a bridge with the sea on all sides.
During that time, Haseong finished telling the story he had not been able to fully explain over the phone. Of course, it was impossible to tell it exactly as it was, so he went through some embellishments.
Confinement, sleeping pills, false accusations, a sex partner relationship…. He omitted the fact that the person involved in all these things was none other than the actor Go Yehan, and only said that he had a severe fight and broke up with the person he was seeing. He also added that he had checked earlier and thought he was pregnant.
As soon as she heard that, his noona pulled the car over to the side of the road. Overwhelmed by the intensity of his noona, who just stared at him with a look of horror, Haseong mumbled and added.
“…I found out right before I got on the bus.”
“You, you…!”
His noona, who had just been opening and closing her mouth as if she were at a loss for words, let out a sigh as if for him to hear and rolled down both windows. Haseong just stared at the wide-open distant sea beyond the window. He himself still felt a lack of reality, so he could only imagine how his stepsister, whom he was meeting after five years and who only remembered him as a beta, must feel.
Ever since confirming the faint two lines, he had been dazed all day, as if his mind had been paralyzed. It was a relief that he had contacted his noona first and then found out about the pregnancy. If not, he would probably have been sitting in the terminal restroom until now, without even having decided on a destination. Hoping that the faint second line that had appeared in the thin stick would disappear, that he had seen it wrong.
And then…, and then would he have been caught by Yehan? Would a sobered-up Yehan have really come looking for him? Judging by how he had clung to him until the very moment he lost consciousness even after taking the sleeping pills, it seemed likely he would have found him somehow…. As his thoughts reached that point, the image of Yehan calling his name with blood-soaked feet flickered in his mind again, and the inside of his ribcage tightened.
‘Why, when he has no reason to.’
Hadn’t he more than achieved his goal of playing around with him? He had said he had no intention of dating in the first place. No, he seemed to have no interest in that kind of normal relationship to begin with. So, there was no reason for him to act so desperately even if he said he was leaving, was there? He should have had his fill of fun in a relationship that started so lightly, so he should have no regrets, so why….
‘Forget it. What’s the point of me trying to understand.’
He had already keenly realized that he could not understand Yehan with his own way of thinking. Besides, he was now a person he would never see again, a person who no longer mattered. He had deliberately left Seoul, where he was born and raised, to definitively end their relationship. …The problem was that he was now carrying the child of a man he would never see again for the rest of his life.
A hollow laugh escaped him every time he thought of the word pregnancy. Me, pregnant? A man? What is this, some kind of sci-fi movie…. As he had such thoughts, a realization came with a pain like a needle piercing his lungs.
Ah, I presented as an omega. Since I presented, it’s theoretically possible to get pregnant. I spent a dominant alpha’s rut with him and was even knotted.
But hadn’t the hospital said that it was almost impossible for a late-presenting male omega to get pregnant? Besides, he had even taken medicine with the intention of cutting off even the slightest possibility. So how could he be pregnant? He wanted to look up if there were cases like this, but he had left his phone behind, so he could not even search the internet.
Haseong looked down at his stomach with a sour expression. There’s something in here? …It really made no sense. It seemed he had a better grasp of reality when he received the results saying he had presented as an omega than he did now.
There was only one word to describe Haseong’s current feelings of absurdity, complexity, and the sense that something was going horribly wrong, making him feel like shit. Fuck. No other word could explain this feeling.
“…Hooo, let’s talk when we get home first.”
His noona, who had gotten out of the car to get some air and returned, closed the windows. After a period of silence, his noona finally opened her mouth again only after they entered a small rural town.
That building over there is the elementary school where I work. That’s the township office and the senior citizens’ center. That’s the Nonghyup bank. There’s a small temple on that mountain. If you follow this road for about 40 minutes, you’ll reach the middle school, and the area around there is the most developed, so remember that.
Overwhelmed by the flood of information, Haseong was busy flicking his gaze as his noona pointed and inputting it into his head.
Finally, the car stopped in front of an old country house with a cozy garden. Haseong unpacked his things in a small room and flopped onto his back. He had no appetite at all, but when he heard his noona clattering around outside preparing dinner, he immediately got up and headed to the kitchen. It was the first dinner they had eaten together in a very long time.
After finishing their meal in silence and clearing the table, his noona said abruptly.
“First, get your driver’s license. Driving is a must if you want to live in this town.”
“Okay.”
“And I can’t feed you forever. You know that, right?”
“I didn’t come here expecting that. I just… wanted to see you….”
In that situation, the only person he could think of was really his noona. Because things had gone so wrong with Yehan, who had told him to use him as a pillar of support. As Haseong muttered gloomily, his noona also clicked her tongue and threw herself onto the sofa with a thud.
“I know. If you were that cunning, I wouldn’t have told you to come. And I wouldn’t have worried either.”
Another long, deep sigh followed. Phew. Ever since she heard he might be pregnant, sighs had been constantly escaping his noona’s lips.
“Gosh, you dummy…. What are we going to do…. It’s a talent, a real talent, to meet after five years and drop a bomb like this.”
His noona propped one knee up, rested her chin on it, and looked at Haseong.
“So the baby’s father is… you. Haa, what should I call this. Who did you make it with…? That sounds a bit strange….”
“You wouldn’t believe me even if I told you. And I can’t tell you anyway….”
Even as he recounted all that had happened, he consciously omitted Yehan’s name. It was out of concern. Haseong himself did not know whether it was concern about whether his noona would believe it was Go Yehan’s child, or if, even in this situation, he was worried that Yehan might be harmed.
“Why can’t you tell? Whether you have the baby or not, are you going to foolishly take responsibility all by yourself?”
“…I can’t have it. How can I have a baby? Honestly, I still can’t believe I’m even pregnant.”
“…Right. I’m flabbergasted myself, so I can only imagine how you feel. Let’s go to the hospital in town tomorrow first.”
His noona, who had searched for the location of a hospital that could treat omegas, continued speaking as she tapped her phone screen.
“You need to get a basic check-up. And they say it’s better to get rid of it quickly if you’re going to.”
“……”
Haseong just nodded his head. He was momentarily unable to make a sound, as if his throat was blocked. Of course he was not going to have it; from the moment he saw the two lines on the test, he had not even considered any other option, yet when the direct word “get rid of it” came from someone else’s mouth, his heart sank.
The next day, as soon as his noona got off work, Haseong went with her in the car to the hospital in town. The doctor pushed the blood test results forward and smiled brightly, congratulating him.
“You’re pregnant. It’s not yet the week where it would be visible on an ultrasound…. But your pheromone levels are very low, you know?”
“…It hasn’t been long since I presented.”
“Oh, you’re 21 in international age, correct?”
The doctor’s smile momentarily vanished from his face as he glanced at the monitor with a flustered expression. Feeling embarrassed for no reason, even though he had not committed a crime, Haseong clasped his hands together and muttered.
“I presented late….”
When he poured out a lament-like question of how he could be pregnant when it had only been about a month since he presented and he had even taken medicine after the intercourse, the doctor’s expression also hardened as if he were in a difficult position. It seemed he had noticed that this pregnancy was not one achieved in a celebratory environment.
“The medicine is sometimes ineffective for some people, but…. Still, this is unusual. It’s nothing short of a miracle that you got pregnant.”
The hesitant doctor cautiously offered a vague suggestion, omitting the subject.
“…Would you like to make a reservation before you go? It’s still early, so it won’t be too much of a burden on your body.”
Haseong easily figured out what the omitted subject was. He nodded his head and asked back impassively.
“When would be possible.”
“The earliest date is in two days.”
“……”
Two days…. It was much sooner than he expected. He should have readily said he would make a reservation for that date, but just like yesterday, his voice would not come out.
So everything is being sorted out this quickly as soon as I left Seoul, left Yehan’s side. This quickly…. He should have been happy that he could escape the traces of him that much faster, so why did his mouth taste so bitter? Why were his lips drying and cracking from an unknown anxiety?
Instead of giving the answer he was supposed to, he just stared at the calendar with empty eyes. The doctor turned the page of the calendar for him.
“Or you can think about it a little more.”
“…Until when?”
“Male omegas have a longer gestation period, so you have a bit more time. But the sooner the better, of course.”
The doctor opened the calendar to January of next year and whispered that he should make a decision by then at the latest. At the extended grace period, Haseong unknowingly relaxed and let out a sigh of relief. Seeing him place his tightly clasped hands neatly on his thighs, the doctor brought over several brochures and other explanatory materials and laid them out in front of Haseong.
“However, you must be especially careful about your physical condition while you’re thinking it over. Normally, a pregnant omega needs to periodically receive their alpha partner’s pheromones….”
As if he had an alpha partner. Haseong’s expression crumpled again. It was a problem he would not have to worry about if he had no intention of continuing the pregnancy, but it was a bit too much for Haseong’s overloaded brain to think that far.
“In your case, patient, given your pheromone levels and your body being closer to a beta’s than a typical omega’s, I want to tell you in advance that the burden during pregnancy will be considerable.”
After being told to think it over slowly but to come in for regular check-ups until then, Haseong left the doctor’s office. His noona, who was waiting outside, quickly got up and approached Haseong.
“Did you set a date?”
“Yoon Haseong-nim.”
His noona’s question and the nurse’s call overlapped. His noona gestured with her chin as if to tell him to go first. As Haseong staggered to the desk, the nurse held out a piece of paper and a pen.
“You haven’t been registered as a secondary gender yet. You need to register to be eligible for insurance coverage. The same goes for the government subsidies.”
“Ah…. Is it okay if I don’t? Since I’m going to… anyway.”
Not have the baby. The words swirled in his mouth again. He was reluctant to register his secondary gender. The moment he reported to the country that he had become an omega, it would become an undeniable admission.
One could say what stubbornness was this from someone who had just received a pregnancy diagnosis, but registering his secondary gender was like Haseong’s last psychological line of defense.
“Then will you be paying for this as a non-reimbursable service?”
However, that non-existent line of defense quickly crumbled in the face of financial issues. Haseong, as if to mock his earlier hesitation, quickly filled out the documents the nurse handed him and shuffled out of the hospital.
“You couldn’t set a date for the surgery, could you.”
The low voice that asked was calm, as if she had known it would be so. Startled, Haseong lowered his head, his noona’s sharp gaze continuously landing on his cheek.
“How can you be so unchangingly foolish.”
“…I’m not in good condition right now, and I’m going to think about it a little more. Just two days from now, it’s too….”
“What? You acted like you had no intention of having it, so why are you hesitating?”
He himself wanted to know. If he knew the reason why he was hesitating, his heart would not feel so stuffy.
Honestly, when I confirmed the pregnancy, did I feel even a little bit happy? No.
Now that I’ve been diagnosed at the hospital and even registered my secondary gender, is it starting to feel real? No.
Can I imagine myself with a showing belly in a few months? No.
What’s more, the first word that came out when he found out he was pregnant was fuck. Even now, after being diagnosed at the hospital, he did not feel a speck of the excitement and happiness that other normal couples feel when they have a child.
His sense of reality was still wandering somewhere in the universe. The thought of his own belly swelling was horrifying just to imagine. They said a male omega’s belly does not swell much, but he hated even that.
‘To think a child would have to be born from someone who thinks like this….’
He felt sorry for the child. At the same time, he bitterly reproached himself, wondering how he had come to have such thoughts.
He had promised himself since he was young. When I get married and have a child later, I have to treat them really well. So well that they won’t even have a chance to feel lonely. An only child might be lonely at times, so let’s have two if possible. If my wife says she doesn’t want to, I can’t help it, though. I should always accommodate and be considerate of my wife so we don’t fight. Even if we do fight, let’s resolve it through conversation where the kids aren’t around. Let’s never, ever get a divorce….
Now that he actually had a child, far from achieving the ideal family he had vaguely imagined as a child, nothing was properly in place. It all ended up as a futile dream.
That being said, he had absolutely no intention of telling Yehan about the pregnancy now. He did not want to be involved with Yehan anymore. Whether he had the child or not was now a matter that had nothing to do with him.
Of course, the child carried Yehan’s blood, was a trace of Yehan, but. Even this was a problem that would be cleanly erased if he just decided not to have it, so… why. Why on earth.
When he thought that the traces of Yehan might disappear completely in just two days, a small desire slyly sprouted, as if in a psychological backlash. It was not even enough to be called a desire. It was a tiny, tiny curiosity.
“I’m a little curious about what it would look like….”
It was a natural question to have, since something new had formed inside his belly. And since he even knew whose genes it had received, was it not only natural to be curious?
Who would it resemble? It would be really pretty if it resembled Yehan. …But then it might be hard to look at the child’s face. Still, it would be better for the child to resemble the more superior one.
It was not a lingering attachment, Haseong rationalized to himself, just a thought that would naturally occur once one knew about the pregnancy. As if seeing right through Haseong’s inner thoughts, his noona, who had been glaring as if to drill a hole in his cheek, said pointedly. Her enunciation, as befitting a teacher, stuck in his ears.
“There’s only one thing I can say to you. If you can take full responsibility, have it. If not, get rid of it.”
It was an irrefutable, sound argument.
“It’s not a big problem for a child to grow up without one parent. But financial problems are different. You know that, right?”
“Yeah….”
Both the speaker and the listener of this conversation empathized with this keenly. Some parents are worse than having none, but you cannot be without money.
“If you can’t sort out your feelings, at least build a financial foundation and then think about it.”
Perhaps feeling she had been too cold to someone who was already having a hard time, his noona quickly added.
“I told you to come down so I could help you until you get on your feet. There aren’t many jobs in the countryside, though.”
“…Thank you, noona.”
It did not matter if it was the countryside. He had come here to meet his noona in the first place, and anyway, even in Seoul, there were only a handful of places where Haseong could work with proper treatment. Thanks to Yehan, he had been able to work under Hyeongseok and Kim Jinho….
‘Stop thinking about it.’
For someone who had thrown everything away and run away to cut ties, he was thinking about Yehan whenever he had a chance. What was so great about that liar and swindler? He had lost all affection for him, so why were there so many reasons to think of him? As his noona said, it was time to erase such idle thoughts and make a constructive plan.
First, let’s study for the driver’s license written exam and try putting up some flyers for bass lessons nearby. To make money with the skills he had right now, that was the only way. Once he got his license, he could drive to the more developed area where the middle school was and give lessons.
Before that, his noona said she would give him the phone she used as a second phone, so let’s get that first. Should I try to do something with the security deposit I got back?
Haseong’s mind started to spin busily again.
“Cut! Good, good. Let’s not go straight to the next scene… let’s take a little break.”
The director’s face, which had been cheerfully shouting the “okay” sign, changed. Yehan could not even manage a smile when he saw the director approaching him with a worried look to check on his condition.
He should just finish shooting and wrap up filming quickly instead of making a fuss like that. Why did I even agree to do a drama. I shouldn’t be doing this, I need to find that guy…. Thinking of Haseong twisted his insides again, and the color drained from his already expressionless face.
“Is something wrong? You don’t seem to be in good condition.”
“If you’re not satisfied, should we do that last scene again?”
The suggestion to rest was not welcome at all in this situation. He was naturally a laid-back person, but these days, time only passed when he was doing something. Sometimes, when the waiting time was long and he was stuck on set, an almost maddening anxiety would wash over him. It was one of the many abnormal symptoms that had appeared since Haseong left.
Yehan’s face was as perfect as ever, but the hollow look in his eyes from insomnia was not something that could be covered with makeup and styling. The director, who had keenly noticed this, shook his head from side to side.
“No. The acting was good, but… this won’t do. Go get some shut-eye.”
“I can’t.”
“Huh?”
If I could sleep, I would have already. He knows perfectly well that I’m not in good condition, so why does he keep bothering me with useless words. I wish he would just shut up and continue filming. It was a moment when even the director was flustered by the retort that clearly revealed his twisted state of mind.
“Oh my, thank you for your consideration!”
Saehyeong ran over and stood between the director and Yehan at just the right time. He pretended to put a coat on Yehan, covering his face, and practically dragged him to the van. Yehan sat in the back seat and massaged the bridge of his nose.
“Saehyeong-ah…, your voice is unnecessarily loud, it’s annoying.”
“…Sorry about that. I’ll give you earplugs, so at least close your eyes….”
“What did the private investigation agency say? Is there any new contact?”
Yehan cut Saehyeong off. He had entrusted communication with the agency staff to Saehyeong, so he had no choice but to ask persistently each time. The drama filming had started as soon as Haseong disappeared, making it difficult for him to check his messages in a timely manner.
“It’s only been two weeks. They’ll need time too.”
“Not ‘only,’ it’s already been.”
A throbbing pain, so intense he wanted to gouge out the corners of his eyes if he could, centered around the bridge of his nose and the surrounding area. He closed his eyes in annoyance and quietly corrected Saehyeong’s words.
“It’s already been two weeks. They spoke so easily, saying they’d find him soon, so what have they been doing all this time?”
“…Just wait for now. I’ve definitely passed on Yoon Haseong-ssi’s personal information.”
Just uselessly blabbering things I already know again. He did not think listening to others was this annoying before, but these days, he frequently reached the limit of his patience.
“They said so too. Early 180s in height, male beta, not a college student or an office worker, and even his name is common, so it’s hard to specify….”
“His face isn’t common, what bullshit are they talking about.”
Everything sounded like an excuse, and another surge of irritation welled up.
“Why do I have so little faith in them. Hah, I think it would be faster if I just looked for him myself.”