FRWD Ch 18

I was born naturally healthy and lived a life far removed from hospitals, but nowadays, the stinging smell of disinfectant and the distinctively stark white design have become quite familiar to my eyes. This is because I have become a body that needs to visit the hospital once or twice a week to receive an IV drip in order to properly handle my schedule.

If I did not do that, my hands would start to tremble. It was impossible to play the male lead in a romance drama with hands that shook like a person with essential tremors.

And then, dialogue that I had clearly memorized perfectly would just hover at my lips if I relaxed my concentration for even a moment. I could remember each and every word that made up the lines, but I could not recall the small details, like how to pronounce the ending of the sentence, whether it was a question or a statement, or whether the subject was ‘I’ or ‘you.’

This unstable health condition was the combined result of the headaches and insomnia that had beset me due to the stress after Haseong disappeared. With a pain that felt like every single wrinkle of my brain was being filleted, I could not even lead a normal daily life, let alone act. I wanted to at least sleep to forget the pain, but the days continued where I could not even fall asleep without taking fairly strong sleeping pills.

I would get sleeping pills prescribed and take them until I developed a tolerance, and when they stopped being effective, I would get stronger sleeping pills prescribed, and then develop a tolerance to those and switch again, and then take those new medications until I developed a tolerance again. It was only natural that my brain, steeped in drugs like this, would become a complete wreck.

Even while relying so heavily on medication, I could never achieve a deep sleep. Since I was sleeping in the study where Haseong used to live, under the blanket Haseong used to cover himself with, with my head buried in the pillow Haseong used to use, and with my nose buried in the coat Haseong had covered me with before he left, Haseong appeared even in my dreams.

The reason I went through these insane antics to try and sleep was simple. It was because only by doing such ridiculous things could I manage to fall into even a shallow sleep.

Annoyingly, even in my dreams, Haseong would always have his eyes cast down as if he were embarrassed, just glancing at the floor with an expressionless face. Even in my dreams, he never made eye contact with me or smiled brightly. So, when I reached out my hand to try and see his face more clearly, even by force, it would immediately lead to the end of the dream.

Waking up from such a shallow dream meant it was time for the headaches to return. As my brain became screwed up, my appetite disappeared, and my personality began to sharpen. Because I did not eat anything due to my lost appetite, my stomach was ruined as well. Naturally, I lost weight and my stamina dropped.

Exactly one and a half months into living like that, Yehan reached a point where he absolutely had to get an IV drip just to be able to go about his daily life.

‘I came to the hospital before a shoot… did I pass out.’

Perhaps because he had not slept at all, there were often times when his body would shut down on its own, as if flipping a switch to cut the power. Was it the same this time, Yehan’s eyes, which had been retracing his memory, suddenly flew wide open. All sorts of information swirled chaotically inside his newly conscious mind.

…He had left the filming location upon hearing the news that they had finally found Haseong. What he discovered at the hospital he had recklessly rushed to was a man whose silhouette greatly resembled Haseong.

The man, who wore a padded jacket with the hood pulled up to cover his eyes, and the woman, who was unreserved in her affectionate expressions and physical contact with him, looked and sounded like an ordinary newlywed couple. If it had not been for the slightly clumsy-sounding speech, which seemed to draw out the ends of his words and did not match his characteristically calm tone of voice, he would have dismissed it as such and left to continue searching for Haseong.

The man, who used a similar way of speaking on top of having Haseong’s voice, murmured that he hoped their unborn child would not resemble him. It must have meant he hoped the child would resemble the other person. As soon as I heard that remark, so damn devoted yet at the same time as if his self-esteem had been slammed onto the ground, I was certain. I had hoped it was not Haseong, but it was.

Three months pregnant, since when exactly? Was she someone he had been seeing since long before that time he had spouted nonsense about having found someone he liked and that they should stop this kind of relationship? Ah, so was the reason he suddenly spouted that crap because he found out about the pregnancy? It seemed like they ran away together too… fuck.

Suppressing the filthy urges that flooded in, he composed his expression. If they reunited with a face like this, he would get scared and avoid him again, and that would be a problem. Getting stabbed in the back once or twice, what was the difference. The important thing right now was not my own trampled feelings, but making it so that he could not even think of running away again.

Whatever the case, this time I would coax him properly, make him sort out that useless relationship, and drag him to Seoul, I will do it no matter what—after making that vow, I was tailing him when—.

At that point in his recollection, Yehan shot up. This was no time to be lying down; he had to find Haseong again right away. But as soon as he sat up, a severe wave of dizziness washed over him, and he clutched his head and sat back down. Seeing this, someone who was beside him let out a small sigh.

“…I’m tired of nagging you now. Should I say it’s a relief you collapsed before you could cause any more trouble.”

It was Sehyung. Yehan raised an arm to cover his dizzy eyes and barely managed to force his voice out.

“Haseong.”

Time, time again. That damn time had passed while he was unconscious… and Haseong had disappeared. Just like last time. As he realized that fact, his fingertips, which had started to tremble again without him even intending it, tapped against the corner of his eye. Pat, pat, pat.

“Is that the first thing you say as soon as you wake up…. He went home.”

“Why did you just let him go!”

Yehan was not even aware that he had raised his voice. He just spat out whatever came out, and since the first thing his hand could grab was a pillow, he threw it. Sehyung, as if used to it, dodged the pillow, adjusted his glasses once, and massaged the space between his eyebrows.

“Then what do you want me to do. Should I have tied him up and laid him down next to you?”

“You should have at least—! Ugh….”

As he shouted, his already parched throat felt like it was being torn to shreds again. Sehyung held out a bottle of water in front of Yehan, who was clutching his Adam’s apple and choking. Gag, gag.

“You collapsed yesterday. Don’t you remember? He helped move you from the van to the hospital room.”

What help could a guy who isn’t even a single body provide? No matter how much weight I had lost, I was still heavier than Haseong. Since I collapsed in the hospital parking lot, he could have just gotten a stretcher or called people, but Haseong himself helped. Hearing those words, Yehan felt an uncontrollable surge of anger and pushed Sehyung’s wrist away.

“Why would you make a pregnant person do something like that.”

“…Wh-wh-wh-what…?”

Towards Sehyung, who was repeating the same word like a broken voice-recording doll, Yehan shot a glare of annoyance.

“Did Haseong leave you his contact information?”

“…No, hey, wait a minute, preg…nant…?”

“Move.”

Useless bastard, anyway. Yehan ignored him and tried to get up, but he flinched for a moment at the feeling of the IV needle stuck in his arm and the long tube connected below it being pulled taut. And then he ripped them right out. The backflow of blood began to slowly pool inside the transparent tube, but it did not hurt at all.

Judging by the circumstances, it seemed Haseong frequented this hospital for check-ups, so he planned to go to the administration office first and ask. If they refused to tell him, citing patient privacy, he would have to find out even if it meant bribing a hospital employee. If that did not work, he would contact the private investigation agency staff who had found Haseong again.

When he tore off the tape stuck all over his forearm and pulled out the IV needle, blood flowed out. Yehan let his arm, with red drops of blood not just forming but dripping down, hang limply as he got out of the bed.

“No! Where are you going, you crazy bastard! Explain properly before you go!”

Having lost his senses at the incredibly shocking statement he had just heard, a fearless Sehyung desperately clung to Yehan’s arm.

“He’s a Beta! What kind of crazy talk is this about him being pregnant? It makes no sense! You’ve finally completely lost it, haven’t you, huh? That’s it, right? To the point where you’re fantasizing that Yoon Haseong is pregnant….”

“He said he presented. Let go.”

“…Wow, he presented! …Ha, I’m going crazy. What, the fuck! Does that make any sense? What kind of bullshit is this?”

Sehyung snickered as if he had heard the world’s funniest joke, then suddenly burst into anger, spewing curses like a madman.

It did not take long for his expression, which had collapsed in bewilderment and despair, to change into a servile one that desperately pulled up the corners of his mouth as a faint hope emerged. Even while rapidly going through all these changes, he held tightly onto Yehan’s bleeding arm to prevent him from leaving.

“Yehan, please, hey, fine, let’s say he’s pregnant. It’s not your kid, right? Please, just say that one thing, huh? Please!”

“What if it’s not my kid?”

Yehan, who had only been pushing away the leech-like Sehyung, grabbed him by the collar and pulled him close. It was because his words had gotten on his nerves to a degree that was simply impossible to ignore.

“Sehyung, what if it’s not my kid? Are you thinking that Haseong could be carrying some other bastard’s child? You should know what to say and what not to say, no matter how open your mouth is. You’ve been living off me all this time with that one talent of yours.”

“……”

At the softly intimidating words, Sehyung’s face turned whiter than that of the patient, Yehan. He just shook his head from side to side, facing Yehan’s gleaming eyes. Thanks to the fear that had briefly left him returning right away, he was able to avoid the worst-case scenario.

Yehan let go of Sehyung’s collar as if tossing him aside and clicked his tongue.

“Why are you ruining my mood by treating the kid like a slut.”

“It’s not like that, it’s because you’re an actor and I’m your manager…. I have to think about the aftermath…. Right now, because you skipped out and left the film set without permission….”

“It’s definitely my kid, so just keep thinking about how to handle that precious aftermath of yours.”

As he stood barefoot on the floor, the temperature of the cold tiles was transmitted directly to him. But he was in such a hurry that the thought of even finding and putting on slippers did not cross his mind.

The situation was already further delayed because of Sehyung’s thoughtless remark. He had to find Haseong as soon as possible. He had finally found him after so much trouble; he could not lose him again so futilely.

“Where are you going!”

“To find Yoon Haseong.”

“Ah, he must live around here! I may not know his number, but I got his noona’s contact information, so just get some rest.”

Only then did Yehan’s gaze turn to Sehyung.

“Noona?”

He had never heard that Haseong had a noona. But certainly, Haseong had also mentioned a noona yesterday while saying something to him. At that time, his entire attention was focused on the fact of Haseong’s pregnancy, so he had not heard properly….

Yesterday, as soon as I found out that Haseong was pregnant with my child, what was the first thing that I thought?

As Yehan stood there blankly at the sudden question that arose, Sehyung’s rapid-fire words poured out at him like a machine gun.

“After we got you admitted, Yoon Haseong stayed in the hospital room for a while too. Then around evening, a woman who said she was his noona came to pick up her younger brother and asked for my number first.”

“Haseong was here? Next to… me?”

“Well, yeah, you collapsed right in front of him, so of course he would have been worried. …The kid is nice, too.”

“He didn’t leave… he was worried….”

He remembered Haseong saying to rest assured about the pregnancy since they were no longer in any kind of relationship. And also how he had asked with a distorted face, just what was he doing to him.

…Right. Why am I being like this? I really do not know. As Haseong said, there is no need to be this stressed simply because he left, no need to search for him like a madman while gnawing away at my own body, and no need for my mood to swing up and down with every single word Haseong says.

Among all those utterly unnecessary actions, the one that was the most incomprehensible was the ecstasy that spread thrillingly throughout my entire body the moment I became certain that Haseong was pregnant with my child. A thought? No such thing even occurred to me. What I felt in that moment was a pleasure, or joy, that spread to every last root of my peripheral nerves. It was just that.

It was not an emotion originating from a reproductive instinct. I had never once inserted things like romance, marriage, or plans for children into my life plans. I was not fond of kids, and it was obvious that all three of those things would be a hassle.

But as soon as I realized that my blood-mixed child was inside Haseong’s body…. I was so overwhelmed with an ecstasy that could not even be compared to the pleasure felt through a satisfying sexual act that the ends of my words trembled.

It was thanks to Haseong’s next words that I realized this was a very strange symptom. That damn devoted remark, that he would not tell anyone he was carrying my child, so I could rest assured. Only after hearing that did Yehan realize that, given his profession and position, he should have been worried about something like that. But even after realizing it, that trashy worry did not arise in the slightest.

‘Why.’

I quite liked his face, and he happened to look pitiful enough that he seemed easy to approach, and unlike his appearance, his personality was gentle and pliable, so he was fun to play with.

After sleeping with him, I liked him even more, so I wanted to have a regular relationship, and that is why I made him a sex partner using the lame excuse of pheromone management. That was as far as Yehan could understand within the bounds of his own common sense. It should have been just that kind of relationship.

That young sex partner suddenly presented, and on top of that, he was carrying my child, so why did I feel only a tender sentiment instead of bewilderment or a creepy suspicion….

Yehan, who had been pondering this himself, suddenly let out a hollow laugh. He had been grinding his teeth, vowing to make Haseong into a fool who would listen only to his words no matter what it took, once he found him, but by all accounts, the one who had become a fool was himself. Both his body and his mind, everything.

He had been committing acts that were inexplicable unless he was crazy, yet until he reunited with Haseong, he had not even been aware that he himself was crazy. No matter how you looked at it, this was a disease. Probably the same mental illness that his father had suffered from. Such an ominous premonition suddenly struck him.

Yehan unknowingly bit his nail with a crunch. Seeing him, Sehyung put a hand to his forehead.

“I’ll try contacting that noona person, so you just stay still until the results come out.”

“What results.”

“A detailed pheromone test. The CEO ordered it. Your rut cycle is completely messed up, so it’s difficult to adjust the filming schedule, and there are too many complaints from actress Oh Haerin and the staff…. When you wake up, you also have to go to the psychiatric….”

“……”

“Please, just listen to me for once. The problem isn’t other people, if you keep going like this, you’re really going to die, you’ll die, Yehan. Huh?”

The reason his body was wrecked was simple stress. His mind was perfectly normal. He had endured without being hospitalized, comforting himself with those thoughts. But.

“…When do the test results come out.”

It seemed the time had come to confirm it.

“To give you the conclusion, your pheromone system is completely broken.”

It was the result he had expected. With an image of undulating waves, like an electroencephalogram chart, displayed on the examination room monitor, the doctor continued speaking.

“There’s no reaction at all to Omega pheromones, and even in situations without any particular factors or external stimuli, your pheromone levels are abnormally soaring and then dropping. This is why, naturally, you can’t control your pheromones, your ruts come irregularly, and your condition is….”

As the doctor’s words trailed off, Sehyung tapped the desk impatiently, as if urging him on. His complexion was even more urgent than the patient’s.

“Is there no way to treat it? Or can he just get a lot of rest, similar to when one’s immunity is low?”

“There’s not really a way to treat it… per se. You can only hope that the other Omega imprints back. Or, even if it’s not a mutual imprinting, you could live together for life. Though this is not a fundamental solution.”

“……”

Ah, as expected. That was the only thought that came to mind in front of the diagnosis that was exactly as he had anticipated. It was not surprising. He did not feel annoyed or angry.

Unlike Yehan, who immediately understood from the doctor’s words that it was a one-sided imprinting, the Beta Sehyung was bewildered, not understanding what was going on. So, the doctor added a soft explanation.

“It’s because these are the side effects of a one-sided imprinting.”

“…Excuse me? No, what do you mean, imprinting…. More importantly, who did he im, print… on.”

The corners of Sehyung’s lips twitched. And then, with a creaking sound from his neck joint, he turned his head with difficulty.

“Yehan, don’t tell me.”

He was asking even though he himself must have been sure that his ‘don’t tell me’ was correct. Yehan ignored the useless question and stared at the doctor.

“…Is it possible for imprinting to occur solely through the pleasure of sex?”

“It is not such a simple mechanism. Imprinting only occurs when a specific emotion is consistently and intensely involved.”

“A specific emotion.”

He knew he was asking even though he knew everything, and he knew that this act of his was no different from the things he usually dismissed as useless. But, nevertheless, he had to ask. It felt as if he could only admit to his own mental illness once the sentence was finally handed down by someone else’s mouth.

The doctor rolled his eyes as if troubled, then laid out an explanation in a somewhat faster tone.

“It is a very ambiguous definition, but the main emotion would be what is commonly referred to as love. Besides that, possessiveness, a desire for monopoly, tenderness…. All of these things ultimately stem from the emotion of love.”

He felt possessiveness and a desire for monopoly towards Haseong in overflowing amounts, so he could understand that immediately. The same went for tenderness. It was an unfamiliar emotion he had rarely felt for others, but with Haseong, all of it came easily.

From the very beginning, seeing him crying alone in an alleyway, feeling sorry and pathetic for him, and approaching him right away was like that. Of course, it was accompanied by sexual curiosity, but still, the reason he added the useless word of encouragement that he was a fan must have been for that reason.

When he talked about music, the characteristically cool corners of his eyes would soften and his eyes would sparkle brightly, which was cute, so he deliberately pestered him to play the bass and introduced him to Kim Jinho. If he had been trying to win his favor simply to sleep with him once, he could have achieved his goal through a much less troublesome method.

As Yehan listened to the doctor’s words, he pieced together the puzzle one by one. The doctor, perhaps finding the patient’s lack of response strange, asked tentatively.

“You know who you’ve imprinted on, of course, right? It can’t be that common to have a partner for whom you feel such intense emotions as to lead to imprinting.”

It was not just ‘not that common’; in his entire life, Haseong was the only one. It was the first time that simple curiosity had lasted this long, and the first time he had found someone’s absence so unbearable. People flocked to him even when he just stood still, so since he was young, he had never felt any regret no matter who left his side.

The only times a farewell had felt empty were with Haseong and… at most, his father who had committed suicide.

A few days before he killed himself, his father had forcibly taken him, who did not want to go, fishing. The act of having to stare blankly at the water until a bite came was unbearably boring for the young Yehan.

But his father was a person who enjoyed such static hobbies, and for someone with the profession of a famous actor, he wanted to enjoy a simple and humble life.

Yehan still could not understand why such a person had fallen for someone like his mother, who was his complete opposite in every way. As if that was not enough, he foolishly imprinted on her all by himself.

He would cling to a person who treated him worse than trash on the street as if he had no pride, and then sometimes, he would feel disgusted by his mother’s actions, which were completely contrary to his own values, and suffer.

He acted pathetically like that until the very end, and eventually, he withered and died.

The cause of death was drowning, but it was no different from him already being dead before he threw himself into the river. He became unable to do the acting he loved so much, and the man who loved to go around doing volunteer work began to shut himself away.

On the day he had forcibly taken me to the fishing spot, Yehan had already vaguely smelled the scent of death on his father. That was what annoyed him… so he thinks he asked, half out of defiance.

‘Why do you live so pathetically?’

‘…….’

‘Father, you should just meet another Omega. Stop dragging me around instead of Mother for your own satisfaction.’

‘Instead of Seojin….’

He chewed over the word ‘instead’ several times. The eyes that had been praised for their soft and deep gaze when Yehan was young had long since lost their sharpness, as they had become half-closed as if their strength had been drained, and his gaze had become hazy due to the various psychotropic drugs he was taking.

His father, staring at the bottom of the black river with empty eyes, muttered after a long while.

‘You certainly resemble your mother a lot, but you also resemble me. Because you are my son.’

He had ignored it, thinking it was some other out-of-the-blue remark. It was also the timing when a fish bit on the fishing line, and he had to quickly use his strength. As he stood up and held onto the fishing rod, his father, who had brought him to fish but had only sat there staring at the river the whole time, whispered like a sigh from behind him.

‘That’s why I’m worried.’

‘…That, well, is a useless worry.’

Anyone could see that Yehan was the spitting image of his mother. His face, his personality, his way of thinking. Of course, compared to his mother, who had been diagnosed with a personality disorder, his character was closer to having some degree of humanity, and he prided himself on being incomparably more normal than his father, who had been suffering from a mental illness for a long time.

He was just like his mother in her chillingly indifferent nature towards things she was not interested in, so the amplitude of the emotions he felt was smaller than others, and he was not sensitive to negative emotions, but he was perfectly normal.

In those days, Yehan had only considered his father to be suffering from a mental illness disguised under the name of love. And it was true; what else could it be if not a mental illness? A person who lacked nothing was throwing everything away and gradually breaking down like that.

It seemed that he was going crazier as the years went by due to the side effects of the one-sided imprinting, but the reason he had imprinted alone in the first place was also because of that mental illness.

Because he had thought that way, his father was nothing more than a pathetic person in Yehan’s eyes, and as if to prove that his eyes were not wrong, he actually did commit suicide in a truly pathetic way. It was a fact that could be known just by looking at his mother, who showed her face at the funeral once and immediately returned to her daily life.

But Yehan, while thinking he was pathetic, stayed at the funeral home until the day of the burial, and for some time after the funeral was over, he was dazed, and he lost interest in everything. That was why he also got rid of the bass guitar he had learned from his father. His memory of that time is quite spotty so he does not remember well, but it seems he found even the process of figuring out how to dispose of it troublesome and just handed it off to anyone.

Looking back, those words that he was worried because I resembled him were as good as a last will. After they went to the fishing spot, they did not run into each other for days even while living in the same house, and a short while later, he was found as a cold corpse in the same river they had gone to. He did not know it at the time, but the day he turned his back on the world was the day after his mother formally requested a divorce.

Utterly. Utterly incomprehensible, so Yehan gave up trying to understand. No matter how you looked at it, it was a mental illness. Dying just because of a request to break up? Unless he was crazy…. Where in the world was there something more precious than one’s own body, well-being, and future, to ruin oneself?

And only now, Yehan realized. The fact that he was repeating that crazy act himself.

“Recently, I’ve had a lot of mental… problems, is this also a side effect of the one-sided imprinting?”

Was that statement, that he was worried because I resembled him, actually a curse? He had lived his whole life dismissing it as nonsense, but he could never have imagined that that last will would come true so perfectly, in this kind of way, now. Was he going to go crazy like his father?

No, he had already been crazy for a long time. Even while being afraid of ending up like his father, when he thought of Haseong, the thought that this might have been a predetermined providence occurred to him. At this point, it was certain he was crazy.

Haseong was lovable. The very gentleness of him, who, despite having run away because he disliked me, and who must have been more surprised than anyone at having become pregnant so soon after presenting as an Omega, was still contemplating whether or not to abort the child. The very kindness of him, who, even after we had argued like that in the van, had taken me, who had fainted, to the hospital, and had stayed by my side, worrying about me.

And his unsuspecting nature, unaware of the dirty tricks I was pulling behind his back under the desire to control him completely, instead apologizing to me even for trivial mistakes and only ever saying thank you. And that gentle, docile side of him, who confessed that I was the only one, even at the moment he was running away.

‘I really liked you…. Both you, hyung, and the time I spent with you.’

Though the ‘liking’ Haseong spoke of back then was probably of a different nature than this agony I was currently experiencing.

…Is this kind of thing really what people commonly call love? Yehan suddenly became puzzled. He had acted out love countless times. Because his profession was an actor. But no matter how he looked at it, there was a considerable gap between the ‘love’ that the many fictional characters he had played had, and this desire he was currently feeling.

The fresh, youthful expression of ‘liking’ could not even be compared. He wanted to completely possess him, to tame him to be entirely his own, and to make him listen only to his words from one to ten. He wanted there to be no corner of him, from head to toe, that his hands had not touched, and for him to interact only with the people I allowed, in the world I created, right in front of my eyes.

But it would be a problem if he got tired of it and ran away like this time. He wanted him to smile by his side, not cry. He wanted him to say that he was happy. …He wished that Haseong would harbor this same desire for him.

Yehan could not readily define this selfish heart that was full of contradictions. When it came to matters related to Haseong, he could never find the right answer. As he was blankly chasing some point in the empty air, feeling like the world’s biggest fool, the doctor’s low voice flowed in.

“To some extent, yes. When one’s physical condition worsens, it naturally affects them mentally. And imprinting itself is something that occurs due to an attachment to a partner, after all.”

Yehan slowly focused his gaze. It was to hear the diagnosis.

“To have imprinted one-sidedly is, in the end, no different from being in a state of agonizing, unrequited love.”

Finally, a clear diagnosis was delivered from the doctor’s mouth. Agonizing, unrequited love. It was no different from being sentenced that this ugly and selfish desire of his was a form of love.

Back in the hospital room, a silence heavier than before flowed. Sehyung looked as distraught as if he himself had received a diagnosis for an incurable disease.

He seemed completely disheartened by the words that there was no way to break the imprinting, and that while pheromones could originally be controlled with suppressants, it could not be helped if one had an allergy. Next to such a Sehyung, Yehan just slowly savored the fact that he had imprinted on Haseong.

He had already been crazy for a long time, and he had only just now realized it. The imprinting probably happened when he held onto Haseong, who wanted to end things, and forcibly knotted with him, but he had a hunch that even if it had not been then, it was something that would have happened sooner or later.

From the first moment he met Haseung, who was sniffling in a back alley, and offered the preposterous encouragement that he was a fan, it was destined to turn out this way in the end.

If there had not been an incident like his father’s suicide, he might have realized it sooner than this, and if Haseong had not run away and had stayed by his side, he might have realized it later than this. But regardless of when he realized it, in the end.

In the end, he would have come to love Haseong, and there was no change in the fact that he would have imprinted on Haseong. Thinking so, a refreshing sense of emptiness washed over him.

It was Sehyung who, after groaning and fidgeting, spoke first.

“What are you going to do.”

“…I wonder.”

Yehan gave the answer exactly as he felt it, without a shred of falsehood.

Originally, he had intended to take Haseong with him as soon as he found him. Whether by coaxing him gently like before, or by drugging him to make him pass out, he had planned to tie him to his side first, by any means necessary.

If he used coercive methods, Haseong would get scared or angry again, but he did not care. Since he was kind and gentle anyway, he thought he could win him back just by treating him a little tenderly.

Thinking about it now, it was the height of arrogance. Haseong had not contacted him again even after getting pregnant, and when they met, he had coldly drawn a line.

To have had such thoughts even after seeing with his own two eyes how little lingering affection he had for someone he had once decided to leave, could only be described as arrogant and foolish.

“You’re smart. You’re always good at finding those damn good-for-nothing methods.”

“……”

“Just be honest. If he finds out you’re in this state because of the one-sided imprinting, with his personality….”

It was a method he often used. To subtly dig into and cling to the space between Haseong’s compassion and guilt.

Because you did not tell me you presented as an Omega, I ended up imprinting on you one-sidedly, and now I can’t even lead a normal daily life. I haven’t been able to sleep or eat since you left, so I want you to take responsibility. There would be that way of persuading him.

Honestly, it was the first method that came to Yehan’s mind, and at the same time, it was also the easiest method to use right now. But he could not bring himself to choose it. Yehan calmly spat out one of the many reasons for his hesitation.

“What’s the use of all that? It’s not like Haseong will imprint on me because of it.”

“You ended up in this state after he ran away. So, just like you always did, keep him in your arms, even by force…!”

“Even if you don’t say it, that’s obviously what I plan to do.”

Now that he had even realized he harbored for Haseong the feelings he had been denying all along, dismissing them as a mental illness, the option of letting him go like this did not exist. He would bring him back, no matter what.

But… could he really return to the same relationship as before with the Haseong he brought back like that? Would Haseong even try to listen to what he had to say? That was a constant worry.

Sehyung’s lips twitched as if he had more to say. But as soon as he opened his mouth, a short notification sound rang. Sehyung, for whom checking his messages on time had become a habit due to his job as a manager, quickly took out his phone. The news that came was unexpected.

“I got a reply from his noona. …She says she wants to talk to you?”

💜

It was obvious that taking the van would attract too much attention, so he rented a car and went to the meeting place. When he conveyed that he would prefer a quiet place with few people, the person who was Haseong’s noona gave him the address of a small temple on the neighborhood’s back mountain.

Yehan parked the car on the dirt road and immediately entered the shabby building. It seemed to be a small tea house run by the temple. The only employee was a Buddhist nun in robes, and his appointment was already sitting there, having ordered a cup of tea. She shot up from her seat as soon as the wind chime on the door rattled.

“Actor Go Yehan….”

“Please feel free to call me by my name. I will also address you as Ms. Seorae.”

As he sat down, saying the name he had heard from Sehyung, Choi Seorae also sat down again. She fiddled with her teacup and, after a long while, spoke with difficulty.

“…It seems you and my younger brother don’t have an ordinary relationship.”

The image of him trying not to leave until the very end, even when Haseong was forcibly pushing his back, remained quite vividly in her memory. Yehan answered, his gaze fixed on the scrap of paper that could hardly be called a menu.

“It seems Mr. Haseong hasn’t said a single word about me.”

“That kid is so hopelessly foolish, he won’t even tell me who he made the baby with.”

“……”

“And somehow, my gut tells me that, perhaps Mr. Go Yehan is….”

Choi Seorae’s voice trailed off towards the end. Her eyes wavered chaotically as if she was deliberating even as she spoke the words. Yehan promptly affirmed the words that even the person asking had hesitated to bring up.

“That is correct.”

It was a question that one could not help but be cautious about, but Yehan felt no need to deny it. Rather, he thought it was a good thing that he could clearly impress upon the person who was Haseong’s noona that the child in his womb was his.

Crazy bastard. Yehan chewed on the curse directed at himself, yet smiled softly. It was Choi Seorae whose posture crumbled.

“This is driving me crazy…. Of all the people he could have met….”

She put a hand to her forehead and let out deep sighs openly. Then, suddenly, as if she had made some kind of decision, she began to speak with a determined air.

“The reason I asked to meet you separately is none other than.”

Her tone was that of someone who was about to settle a matter that she was reluctant to do but had to. Choi Seorae, who had been dragging her feet just fiddling with the teacup, finally continued, clutching the hot teacup tightly.

“…Please help me.”

As she had instructed, Yehan parked the car a short distance from the old house. Choi Seorae, sitting in the passenger seat, gathered her bag and unbuckled her seatbelt.

“I won’t thank you. It’s something you should obviously be doing.”

Her request was very simple. It was to help, at least for the duration while Haseong decided whether or not to have the baby, since he was suffering from not being able to receive the Alpha partner’s pheromones. Following her, who said she had come out secretly because she thought her younger brother would be reluctant if he knew, Yehan stepped in to persuade her.

Of course I will help, but before that, please create an opportunity for me to meet Haseong. I also just found out about the pregnancy yesterday, so I have a lot to talk about. When he said that, Choi Seorae only said she would ask Haseong. After concluding their meeting like that, he put her in the car to give her a ride home.

Yehan, who was holding the steering wheel, memorized the address in his head all the way there, taking in the houses outside the window. So that he could find his way back again in the future.

Just as the silence in the car with the engine off was stretching on, the front door of the house suddenly burst open, and some man carrying an instrument case and a child appeared side by side with Haseong. The man, estimated to be in his late 30s to early 40s, was holding the hand of a child who looked to be about elementary school age. They seemed to be father and son.

The child, not wanting to go back, kept pestering Haseong and pulling on his clothes. Haseong stroked the child’s head and bowed his head to the man, and the man patted Haseong’s back familiarly and said something to him.

Seeing him make a gesture of bringing his right hand to his mouth and tilting it, it seemed he was suggesting they have a drink. At that, Haseong seemed to hesitate for a moment, then nodded his head vigorously.

“……”

Yehan watched Haseong’s relaxed face for a while without a word. Until the father and son left, and Haseong stood leaning against the doorframe, rubbing his hands, which were frozen from the cold, and took out his phone. His hands, tapping the screen as if sending a text message, looked busy. Soon, a phone notification rang from inside Choi Seorae’s bag.

She checked the message and muttered to herself, “I told him he didn’t have to come pick me up….” As she was about to hurry out, seeing that her brother was waiting, Yehan asked her without thinking.

“…Those people from before?”

“The child who learns bass from Haseong and his father.”

“Does Mr. Haseong give lessons here?”

“Yes. He’s doing quite well for himself.”

He had thought that due to his shy nature, he would not be able to do something like teaching someone. Well, this too was a misjudgment. Haseong was working hard, even finding a way to make a living for himself. And with a face that looked very happy and comfortable at that.

Choi Seorae looked at Yehan, who was staring out the window as if possessed without answering, with a puzzled expression.

“…Mr. Go Yehan?”

“Ah, excuse me. Then, please speak well to Mr. Haseong for me.”

“Yes, I will contact you again next time.”

The car door closed, and Choi Seorae ran to the front door with short, quick steps. Yehan kept watching Haseong with the window rolled down.

As Haseong, who had been waiting without going into the house, greeted her with a bright face, Choi Seorae smacked her brother’s back and nagged him about why he was out in the cold. Perhaps because he was wearing a padded jacket, the thwack, thwack sound of being hit was loud, but it seemed he did not feel the impact at all. Haseong dodged awkwardly, yet smiled sheepishly.

“It’s really not that cold here compared to Seoul.”

“Take care of yourself.”

“That’s why I came out wearing a padded jacket. Ah, the winter wind is making me crave a cigarette….”

“You just dare to smoke one. I’ll just kill you.”

A gaze that directly faced the person he was talking to, not one directed at the ground. A natural way of speaking, not overly polite. A smile that seemed to come from comfort, with the corners of his mouth naturally relaxing, not a smile he made occasionally. All of these were unfamiliar sights that were rarely seen when he was with me.

I did not notice yesterday, but looking now, the worried lines on his face had also disappeared. His body, which had lost so much weight that it had bothered me during our relations, seemed to have gained some weight back, returning to the sturdy physique he had when we first met.

Why? During the two-odd weeks I had forcibly brought him back home, despite taking such good care of him, he had only grown more gaunt by the day instead of gaining weight. It did not seem like he was swollen because he was pregnant. It was just that the weight he had lost had come back in a good way.

His expression was the same. The guy who would just stiffly say thank you with a flustered expression as if he were overwhelmed with gratitude every time I did something for him….

Even after we became close, the times Haseong initiated a joke or playfully laughed were truly few and far between. Even when we were together, he was always busy being fidgety with a somehow awkward air about him. I had just thought it was because he was a shy person.

‘What’s the difference.’

Frankly speaking, whether it was his stepsister whom he had reconnected with after 5 years and shared not a drop of blood with, or me, weren’t we similar in terms of intimacy? If anything, it would be plausible for me, with whom he had met face-to-face and mixed bodies with almost every week for several months, to feel more familiar.

Yehan pondered. The difference between himself and them. Where did the difference in Haseong’s attitude stem from? And soon, he realized. They did not have the desire to isolate Haseong and possess him completely.

He had wanted Haseong to remain lonely. So that there would be more room to dig into the deficiency he had. Because unforeseen variables like Haseong’s personal relationships that he did not know about would only be a hindrance. This time too, hadn’t he had trouble finding him and misunderstood him because he did not know he had a sister?

He had used all sorts of methods to more perfectly entrap Haseong and make him dependent on him. Those methods were mostly effective, and Haseong had reached the point of even telling him that he was the only one.

And as soon as he realized everything, he ran away.

Had he used the wrong method? No. This much he could assert. To control Haseong according to his desires, there were no other methods. But he had realized too late that behind that ugly desire, a desperate wish, unlike him, had been hidden. Perhaps that was the cause of the tragedy that had made everything become so twisted.

He wanted Haseong to be happy by his side. He wanted him to smile comfortably like he did back then when they were looking at the stars together. If he were to simplify the essence of his wish, in the end.

…Just like him, for Haseong to love him back.

Yehan belatedly admitted that it had been the wrong method to achieve that wish as well.

‘Let’s have a drink sometime.’

Recalling the conversation with the cheerful parent he had met earlier, he felt strangely elated. The man, who was the father of the elementary school student who was particularly fond of him, had greeted him warmly, saying he had not known there was another male Omega in this town.

‘Come over anytime. As it is, Yoonho is eagerly waiting for the day of his bass lesson. He says his teacher is so cool, ouch!’

The child who was hitting his father’s leg, thwack thwack, as if embarrassed, and the man who, while pretending to be in exaggerated pain, accepted the whining with a smiling face. For some reason, the sight of that harmonious father and son kept lingering in his mind. Haseong unconsciously stroked his stomach, then tilted his head at the sound of a car’s exhaust coming from outside the front door.

His noona seemed to be arriving in a car, so had the person who dropped her off not left yet? What were they doing outside? But that trivial question evaporated while he waited for his noona, who had gone in to wash up, and heated up the soup.

By the time he started taking out side dishes from the refrigerator and setting out the spoons and chopsticks, his noona came out of the bathroom. Haseong, who was squeezing the water from his hair as he came to the kitchen, asked his noona casually.

“Where have you been?”

“To meet someone.”

That was what he was asking, who that someone was. Did she get a boyfriend? Haseong, who dismissed it as nothing serious, sat down at the table where a modest dinner was set. His noona piled rice high in two bowls and placed them at their respective spots. Then, she turned on the TV to a news channel, and the meal began.

Usually, when they ate, they would watch the grim news and click their tongues at how the world was coming to an end, curse when criminals or politicians appeared, and have trivial conversations about whether tomorrow’s weather would be cold or not, but today was unusually quiet. Both siblings were lost in their own thoughts, mechanically moving their chopsticks.

If it were a normal day, Haseong would have been the first to ask his noona if something was wrong, but today, his attention was constantly drawn elsewhere. The reason, of course, was because he had seen Yehan collapse right in front of him yesterday.

‘Is he really that sick….’

The image of his body collapsing forward like a puppet whose controlling strings had been cut was still vivid. Yesterday had been a series of bewildering events. Yehan suddenly collapsing was one thing, and the manager’s attitude, who had stepped in to handle the situation as if it were familiar, was another.

Everything was so sudden that Haseong, after helping to move the collapsed Yehan to the hospital room, had not even thought about going back and had just blankly stood by the bedside for a while. How should he react when Yehan woke up, what if a similar fight repeated itself…. None of that was on his mind. At least, not in that moment.

It was just that his heart was pounding so loudly that his thoughts were paralyzed. Yehan’s appeal, asking if he was not going to ask why he was at the hospital, kept echoing in his ears.

Was Yehan’s condition, which looked anything but normal to anyone, really because he was sick? If the manager had become so used to him collapsing, then where, how, and how sick was he….

“Haseong.”

“Huh?”

Haseong, who was floundering in thoughts that were an extension of yesterday’s, came to his senses at his noona’s low call. His noona, who had already finished her bowl of rice while he was zoned out, had a serious expression on her face as if she was about to say something.

“You… do you have any thoughts of contacting the baby’s father, even now?”

“…No.”

Haseong mumbled, putting down his chopsticks. Although she had often pried about who he had made the baby with, this was the first time she had suggested he contact that person. Caught up in that unfamiliar question, Haseong failed to notice that his noona had specifically referred to the other person’s gender as ‘father.’

“Why? You’re worried too. If you contact him and ask him to at least provide pheromones regularly….”

“I don’t want to. We’ve already cut ties, so what’s the point.”

“…You’ve reconnected.”

Startled by his noona’s softly added voice, he shot up from the table without realizing it. His noona looked up at such a Haseong and continued to speak calmly.

“I went to meet Go Yehan. He cleanly admitted that it’s his kid.”

“Noona!”

How on earth, no, when. Haseong’s face was colored with shock. A calm voice flowed from the opposite side, as if to soothe the agitated Haseong whose voice had risen.

“He said he’ll help with everything that’s needed. And, he said it seems there’s a misunderstanding with you and that he really wants to meet and resolve it. If you’re okay with it.”

“Misunderstanding…! There’s no such thing. It’s just….”

Yehan himself had said with his own mouth that he would lock him up because it would put his mind at ease to have him where he could see him, and had admitted that it was true he had approached him out of a dirty curiosity. Although he had ultimately been evasive in his expression, judging from the conversation between Hyeongseok and Sehyung, it was clear that he was the one who had made it seem like someone had broken into his house and framed Woochan for it.

With all the circumstances so clear, what was there to misunderstand? He had left simply because he no longer wanted to be played on top of Yehan’s palm. He had told him all the reasons why he was leaving, so he should know everything, so why was he being like this?

Haseong was once again dazed by Yehan’s incomprehensible behavior. His noona, who had been observing the suddenly quiet Haseong after he had been panting with agitation, gave him a sharp look.

“Didn’t you have lingering feelings for him? You looked like death warmed over just hearing news about Go Yehan.”

“……”

Haseong did not answer. His noona, as if frustrated, beat her chest and then took Haseong’s hand and began to persuade him.

“At least get help with the pheromones. You have to. You should obviously receive it.”

He knew that artificial pheromones were only a temporary measure and thus had their limits, and that this was help he had a right to receive without feeling any sense of debt or gratitude. Because he knew, his heart wavered even more.

“Honestly, you’re just saying you’re thinking about it, but you’ve already made up your mind to some extent, haven’t you.”

His noona relentlessly picked at Haseong’s inner thoughts by hitting the nail right on the head.

“You said you felt sorry for the baby. Now that you have an environment where you can provide what’s needed, what are you worried about? Don’t be foolish and think about the future. Just you, Haseong, and the baby to be born.”

He wanted to talk back to his noona, who was driving him into a corner with only sound arguments, but he could not. Because even he thought that everything his noona was saying was right.

After a long conversation with his noona, it took some time for him to make up his mind to meet Yehan again. But since he had decided to receive help regarding the pheromones, he could not put it off indefinitely. There was no telling how long Yehan would be staying in this small rural town for filming.

Pushed by his noona, who said there was a proverb about striking while the iron is hot, Haseong first made contact through Sehyung.

On the day he was supposed to meet Yehan, his noona, with an unasked-for consideration to let them talk comfortably, had briskly gone out.

Haseong sat at the kitchen table and stared at the front door with an anxious face. His lips were so dry that he kept sipping warm water. After waiting like that for about 10 minutes, the doorbell rang. Haseong took a deep breath and walked to the front door.

Just get the help, like noona said. Because it’s help I should be getting. Just have a business-like conversation about that and send him away. There’s no need to exchange any more words or fight. This time, Yehan won’t act like a crazy bastard either, I got a guarantee in advance through Sehyung….

Haseong, who was soothing his nervous heart by himself, was immediately surprised when he opened the front door. It was because of the huge cake box in Yehan’s hands.

It was not a day to eat cake, and for someone who had come because it felt awkward to come empty-handed, the box was far too big. Incredibly so. At the height of the box, which looked to be at least two-tiered, Haseong forgot to even look Yehan in the face and stammered.