FRWD Ch 19
by soapa“What is this…”
“It’s a birthday cake. I wasn’t able to celebrate it properly last time.”
“…….”
His birthday was at the end of October, and it was already the middle of January now. Not only had enough time passed to make it awkward to celebrate, but wasn’t the very reason his last birthday was the absolute worst because of the man standing before him?
Haseong could still vividly remember the cake, a mess covered with drips of candle wax. And everything else that happened that day.
It couldn’t have been a good memory for Yehan either. Why would he show up with a cake, as if trying to reenact a day they both would rather not recall? Haseong did not hide the wariness in his eyes. As Haseong faltered and stepped back, Yehan muttered, sounding sorrowful.
“…Even someone like me gets hurt when you look at me like that. I’m not trying to act like a madman again, it’s just that, since before…”
He stopped mid-sentence and wiped his face. Only after taking off his shoes, entering the house, and placing the cake on the dining table did Yehan speak again. His voice was a much more composed tone than before.
“I really wanted to celebrate your birthday again once I saw you, Haseong-ssi. Because I felt like your once-a-year day must have been left as the absolute worst memory because of me.”
After sticking candles into the cake, he paused as he was about to take a lighter out of his coat pocket. Instead, he struck a match that was attached to the side of the cake box and lit the candles.
“Happy birthday. …Can’t you blow out the candles this time?”
Haseong couldn’t bring himself to refuse that, so he closed his eyes tightly and blew out the candles. After pulling out all the extinguished candles and cutting a slice of cake for each of them to eat, Yehan slowly began to speak.
“The last time we met, I wasn’t in my right mind… so we couldn’t talk properly. How have you been?”
“Just fine…”
He had resolved not to discuss anything other than the issue of his pheromones, but when asked in such a gentle tone, it was hard to just ignore him. Haseong simply mumbled in response to the questions, scraping the cream off the cake with his fork.
“I heard you’re teaching bass lessons, does it suit you? Are there any students giving you a hard time?” “No, not really.”
“That’s a relief. But doesn’t carrying a bass around put a strain on your body? Is it okay?”
“I drive anyway, so…”
“A car? Haseong-ssi, you got your license?”
When he nodded, a hollow breath escaped Yehan. He smiled feebly, his face drained of energy.
“You really… you really have been doing well.”
Then he put down his fork. Bothered by the sight, Haseong hesitated before letting out a single, unfinished word.
“…Hyung.”
“Me? I’ve been getting by, one way or another.”
Yehan immediately understood the small, mumbled voice and shrugged his shoulders.
Haseong stared blankly at Yehan’s face. He had lost a lot of weight for someone who claimed to be “getting by,” and more importantly, how could he believe him when he had seen him collapse right before his eyes just a few days ago. Whether he didn’t want to cause worry or what, his overly calm demeanor made Haseong’s brow furrow on its own.
“Aren’t you in very bad shape.”
“I usually collapse once around the midpoint of filming. Dramas have an especially brutal schedule. And there’s only about a month left until it airs.”
Seyeong said he didn’t explain it properly because it couldn’t be leaked, right? So uptight, anyway. A hint of laughter laced his added words. But the rough skin under his eyes and his bony fingers were things that, unlike his voice, couldn’t be faked.
“Are you really okay?”
“Are you worried about me? I’m so happy.”
“…….”
Just looking at his brightly smiling face, he was as beautiful as he used to be. In fact, thanks to the weight loss, his unique, saintly aura seemed to have ripened even more.
Feeling pathetic for having such thoughts while looking at Yehan’s face, even after seeing him at his lowest, Haseong just bit his lip and lowered his gaze. He didn’t know how to answer the question asking if he was worried.
As Haseong evaded the answer and fell silent, the pleasant conversation came to an abrupt halt. It was Yehan who broke the long silence that followed.
“Shall we stop catching up here.”
He spoke languidly, clasping his white, bony fingers together and placing them elegantly on the table.
“…First of all, I don’t think I properly cleared up the misunderstanding last time.”
What misunderstanding could there be when there was none. The questioning look in Haseong’s eyes deepened.
Seeing the narrowing of Haseong’s eyes, Yehan let go of all the laughter he had been holding back. What on earth was he about to say. Haseong was growing tense as he saw the back of Yehan’s hands, which already had red marks from how hard he was gripping his own fingertips.
“I’m okay even if you go tell the press that you’re pregnant with my child, Haseong-ssi.”
“What?”
At the shockingly absurd statement, Haseong’s eyes went wide. Maybe this man really was very sick. If not for that, there was no way he would say something like that so calmly, as if making a suggestion.
For him to say something like that, fully aware of the nature of his profession as an actor and his own status as the number one casting choice for romance stories written by renowned writers, was the same as saying he was willing to put a stop to all his commercials and projects for the time being.
Seeing Haseong so stunned he looked about to drop his jaw, Yehan seemed to realize he had spoken too much without context and added more.
“I don’t doubt you, Haseong-ssi, nor do I think a child would be an unwelcome obstacle in my path. So I mean it’s completely fine if you reveal it anytime.”
In that perfectly serious voice, Haseong finally understood what misunderstanding Yehan wanted to correct.
‘You hate getting involved with omegas, hyung. And with your job, you’d want a child even less.’
This was both a clarification and an answer to the words he had thrown at him when they reunited. An answer from a completely unexpected direction, at that. The thought, what if this is also a lie, flickered through his mind, but there was likely no reason for him to tell such a lie in this situation.
“It’s late, but I really wanted to say this. The fact that you were thinking that… was a bit disheartening.”
Saying so, Yehan unclapsed his hands. Perhaps because he had been gripping them so tightly that his skin had turned red and blotchy, the tips of his fingers seemed to tremble slightly. His gaze naturally went to Yehan’s fingertips, but Yehan had already put on a faint smile and lowered his hands below the table.
“Of course, I know that from your perspective, Haseong-ssi, you had no choice but to think that, since I said such hateful things.”
He lowered his eyes gently as if telling a joke and gave a small nod. All the strange behavior he had shown recently was gone, and it felt as if he had returned to the time when he was treating him with affection.
What snapped Haseong’s scattered attention back was Yehan’s voice, slowly drawing out, “Then….”
“What do you want to do about your living situation while you’re receiving my pheromones? For me, living together would be more convenient.”
“Together…?”
Remembering what had happened at Yehan’s house, he couldn’t help but feel reluctant. It was no wonder that suspicions, like is he trying to use the pheromones as an excuse to control me again, immediately surged. Since learning Yehan’s true nature, Haseong had completely lost all faith in his character.
As a guarded look once again appeared on Haseong’s face, Yehan quickly added.
“If you’re not keen on it, I’ll get you a house in Seoul. A big one where you and Seorae-ssi can continue to live together.”
It was a sweet offer, but he shook his head. His noona was an elementary school teacher and couldn’t leave this area anyway, and more importantly, he didn’t want any help from Yehan other than his pheromones. Especially not something as expensive as a house.
This was also a lesson learned through experience. Whenever he needed something, Yehan would miraculously provide it, and the result of accepting everything without suspicion was…
‘How could you leave me first. You have no shame.’
Recalling the words he had once heard, a firm refusal popped out.
“No. I hate that even more. You don’t need to do that.”
“Then… I’ll come here once or twice a week. But you’ll have to adjust your schedule to my days off from filming.”
Haseong’s eyes widened at the unexpected kindness.
Did he not know how far this place was from Seoul because his manager always drove? A person who was on a murderous schedule to the point of collapsing during filming was saying he would come here every time? Once or twice a week when even once a month would be difficult?
This was no different from saying he would come to where he lived on every day off from filming, and it was tantamount to a declaration that he would soon die from overwork.
“…Do you know how long it takes to drive back and forth from here to Seoul?”
“I know. Isn’t it about 10 hours round trip if there’s no traffic.”
“And you’re saying you’ll make that trip? While filming a drama?”
“It’s not impossible.”
Mokpo or Haenam. A small, incomprehensible phrase was added. Haseong was even more flabbergasted by the nonchalant reply, as if a 10-hour round trip was his own front yard, and asked again.
“Why would you go that far, hyung? There’s no reason for you to.”
It was much better for him, of course, but it was hard to be purely happy about it. How could he not be concerned when a person who already looked unwell was volunteering to jump into a pit of fire. Moreover, since he had been questioning Yehan’s actions all along, the offer he made was all the more incomprehensible.
Frankly, the him from a few days ago would have brazenly demanded they go back to Seoul together, saying, “what choice do you have on your own.” What on earth happened to make a person change so much in a few days. Did he experience something after collapsing that made him have a major change of heart?
He hadn’t seen Yehan regain consciousness, having been led away by his noona’s hand, so he didn’t know what had happened at the hospital afterward, but among the reasons Haseong could deduce, that was the most realistic one. People say you change after being very sick, after all. But then again, that didn’t align with Yehan’s explanation that it was just simple accumulated fatigue.
“Does the reason matter?”
“Yes. I don’t understand a single thing you do, hyung.”
Haseong answered firmly. He had resolved every day not to be curious about Yehan anymore, not to care, and to let go of any lingering feelings, but he had to know why he was acting this way at least.
For the first time today, he met Yehan’s eyes directly and clenched his jaw tight. Finally, a whisper-like answer flowed from Yehan.
“…Because I’m sorry.”
The voice, half-mixed with air, scattered into the void. His face wore the gentle upward curve of his lips as always, but his eyes, staring straight at Haseong, held a somehow gloomy and mournful feeling.
“I was wrong. I was wrong about everything, from one to ten. I realized it too late… I’m sorry.”
He had been completely fooled by Yehan’s heart-weakening lies like this countless times. Honestly, even now, it was hard to tell if this was sincere or a ploy to get him to Seoul.
But… for some reason, he felt that this time, it might be sincere. It might just be that he wanted to believe so. The sudden apology left him speechless, and his chest tightened at the same time.
“I’ll respect whatever choice you make about the child. That’s entirely your right, Haseong-ssi. I know at least that much. So just…”
The end of Yehan’s sentence trembled slightly.
“Let me do at least this much.”
No matter how prettily he packaged it, he could never be called a good person; he was a liar, a shameless scoundrel who approached him out of base curiosity, had his fun, and acted brazenly even when caught, a person who didn’t have a shred of conscience even if you looked for it to use as medicine.
It had been a long time since he realized that was the true nature of the person he had liked and considered a benefactor. To hear such words from a person like that… His mournful, resounding voice made all sorts of thoughts spread like watercolor paint dissolved in water.
He didn’t want to see Yehan collapse. But he also really wanted to refuse the offer of a house he’d provide. He honestly hated the idea of staying for a while in his house where all sorts of things had happened, but among these three options…
After barely managing to sort out his muddled thoughts, Haseong laid out his conditions with a certain resolution.
“…In exchange for me staying at your house, hyung, please keep the promise you made last time.”
“You said you were reluctant to live together. I can just…”
“I’m more worried about you traveling back and forth here, hyung. My noona would be uncomfortable too.”
It was funny to bring it up now, but it was something Yehan had definitely said with his own mouth. If he pretended not to know this, Haseong resolved to live here forever, whether he died from overwork or not, and counted on his fingers.
“You won’t lay a hand on me, you won’t confine me. You remember, right?”
“Is there nothing else besides that?”
Contrary to his expectation, Yehan readily nodded. As if that wasn’t enough, he even tilted his chin as if to say, if there’s anything else you want to demand, say it all. Haseong took a deep breath and rattled off without pausing.
“Don’t lie. Don’t plot strange things behind my back. Don’t try to control me just because I don’t listen to you.”
“…I can’t lie to you anymore anyway, Haseong-ssi. The things that happened last time… I sincerely apologize once again. I did a terrible thing out of my own greed. I’m sorry.”
At his attitude of readily admitting his fault and apologizing, without glossing over it or resorting to sophistry, Haseong hesitated for a moment before opening his mouth again.
“Whether I have the child or not, once the problem is resolved, I will return to my noona’s place and I plan to live here for good… so please respect that too.”
“…….”
“Once this is over, you and I will have nothing to do with each other.”
His heart was mostly leaning towards having the child, but he didn’t bother to say that much. After having the child, he would have no reason to see Yehan’s face anymore anyway.
Although they sounded like one-sided notifications, in reality, this was no different from Haseong trying to brainwash himself. I’m going this time because it’s a truly unavoidable situation, but once this is over, this time for sure.
Haseong swallowed hard and waited for Yehan’s reaction. He had acted as if he would grant anything, but now there was no answer from him.
In the meantime, the cake left on the table had melted, its cream turning soggy. Around the time the strawberry placed as decoration could no longer hold on to the collapsed cream and fell to the floor, Yehan finally muttered softly.
“…Let’s do that. As you wish, Haseong-ssi.”
Haseong packed his things according to Yehan’s schedule. As for belongings, it was just a few sets of clothes he had managed to grab when he fled Seoul. Even then, he had thrown away everything Yehan had bought for him, so there wasn’t much.
‘I’ll be back anyway.’
He decided to leave bulky items or important but infrequently used things at his noona’s house. It seemed he wouldn’t be playing the bass for a while, so the instrument was the same.
There was also the premature worry that even if Yehan couldn’t remember, he might recall something if he saw the fretless bass that was once his.
On the day he was set to leave, his noona leaned against the doorway, arms crossed, and taunted him all morning. The corners of her eyes were also raised sharply, as if in disbelief.
“I said to just get help with the pheromones, not to move back in together.”
“It’s not like that, I’ll be back…. I’m leaving all my things here.”
“Oh, really now.”
Just a moment ago she was annoyingly picking her ear, but upon spotting the car waiting outside, his noona quickly changed her expression and urged him seriously.
“Keep in touch regularly. I’ll come up once during summer vacation too.”
“You said you’d never come to Seoul again.”
“Tell me about it. It ended up like this because of my foolish little brother.”
Haseong smiled faintly, looking at his noona who sighed as if for him to hear. His noona, who eventually smiled back, gestured towards the car with her chin, hurrying him.
“Go on. He’s waiting over there.”
“Okay. You take care and stay safe.”
Even after getting into the van, Haseong kept glancing out the heavily tinted window at the spot where his noona had been standing. Only after his noona was completely out of sight did he fasten his seatbelt with a disappointed expression. Yehan, who had been silent the whole time, finally spoke, his gaze on the bag Haseong had brought.
“Your things are simple.”
“I only packed winter clothes.”
“…….”
He had thought about packing some light outerwear for spring, but his noona had dissuaded him, asking if he really needed to pack that already when it was still January, so his already meager luggage became even lighter. When he answered nonchalantly, Yehan seemed to give up on adding any more words and turned his head toward the window.
Seyeong, who was driving in the front, was also unusually quiet today for someone who was usually so talkative. To be honest, it had become difficult to treat Seyeong or Hyeongseok with a good heart after overhearing their conversation back then, but still, at times like this, he wished one of them would at least chatter on by himself.
Only an awkward air filled the large van. But since Haseong wasn’t the type to lighten the mood or start a conversation, he just fiddled with his phone in the silence. It was the first time he’d missed home only a few minutes after leaving it. Yehan spoke again after the van entered the highway.
“When we get home, you can use the room I was using. You’ll probably be reluctant to use the study.”
It was true he didn’t even want to set foot in the study, but taking over Yehan’s room was also a bit… Haseong couldn’t hide his troubled expression.
“Then what about you, hyung?”
“Me? The study or the living room is fine. Or I can clear out another room.”
Yehan threw a joke, saying how could he not have a place to lie down in his own house. He had seemed to be in a bad mood all this time, but now he was finally back to his usual self.
“I’ll adjust my life to yours, so if you need anything, just let me know anytime.”
“…Okay.”
He answered as such, but he had no intention of receiving or demanding anything other than pheromones. He had left everything he had received from him in Seoul, except for the fretless bass. He didn’t want to pile anything more on top of what he had painstakingly let go.
Yehan smiled gently at the hesitantly replying Haseong and said.
“Then for the time being… let’s get along well.”
After everything that had happened, could they really get along well? He couldn’t even bring himself to say he understood, not even as an empty courtesy. Words like, “I look forward to it too,” or “let’s get along from now on,” were even more out of the question. After his lips twitched, trying to utter something, Haseong ended up turning his head away silently as his answer.
Haseong pretended not to notice the blatant stare directed at him and tried to focus only on the rattling scenery outside the window. The sky was as overcast as the gloomy, gray air that hung between him and Yehan.
Standing in front of the familiar entrance, Haseong hesitated, unable to press the passcode he clearly remembered.
The day he left this house, he had resolved never to return as he closed this heavy steel door. Forcibly erasing the face of the man who had collapsed and fallen asleep at the entrance, his feet a bloody mess from trying to catch him. But now that man was standing behind him with his arms crossed, and he was standing in front of the steel door again.
He’s a detestable person, but the atmosphere might have been a little better if at least Seyeong were here. Haseong briefly longed for Seyeong’s chirpy voice as he recalled Seyeong’s face, which had been even paler than his own, like a wax doll. After parking the van in the garage, Seyeong had dropped the two of them off and left in a hurry, as if his tail were on fire.
Haseong glanced behind him, checking for a reaction. He had, of course, left the key card for the entrance he had received before. Yehan was blocking the way to the elevator and the emergency exit, seeming to watch and see when he would finally open the door and go inside.
It would be natural for him to open the door first since it was his own house, but at his attitude of pretending not to know, as if it were someone else’s house, Haseong was inwardly cursing, what a strange personality.
“Don’t you remember the passcode?”
A hand extended over his shoulder and finally tapped the key card, pulling down the doorknob. Click, the lock easily released, and the view of the spacious entryway slowly came into sight. But Haseong lowered his gaze to the white floor instead of the luxurious scenery.
To the floor that remained in his last memory as a scene ruined by splatters of red blood, like stamps.
The floor that met his eyes was pristine white, as if all of that had been a lie.
His feet… have they healed? Shaking his head at the simultaneous, trivial worry, he stepped inside. Yehan, who had been standing behind him for a while even after opening the door, finally followed him in and muttered as he closed the door.
“Well, there’s no reason for you to remember it, I guess.”
“…….”
“I’ll give you back the key card you left behind. I’ll also change the passcode to your birthday, Haseong-ssi, to make it easier to remember.”
“I remembered it, so you don’t have to do that.”
He immediately rejected the excessive kindness and took off his shoes. The indoor slippers he used to wear were still neatly placed on the entryway ledge, as if he were still living in this house.
Haseong slightly ducked his head, about to turn his backward-facing slipper to the correct direction to put it on, but then he paused. It was because Yehan, who had stepped over the entryway ledge one step ahead of him, bent down, picked up the slipper, and even turned it for him to wear comfortably, holding it directly to his foot.
Surprised, Haseong froze in an awkward posture with his foot raised. His stomach wasn’t so big that it was hard for him to put on his shoes, nor was he blind, so there was no need for this.
But Yehan had already slipped the slipper onto the foot that was slightly lifted off the floor. After placing the other slipper in front of the remaining foot that was on the ground, he straightened up nonchalantly.
“Come in.”
Yehan slipped on his slippers first and went inside. Haseong unconsciously looked down at the heels of the man walking ahead of him. But since he was wearing socks, he couldn’t see if there were any scars left or not.
Should I just ask? Are your feet all healed?… But things were already awkward, and what if mentioning that day made it even more awkward…. Besides, he didn’t seem to need any worrying over, and it felt foolish for me to be the only one fretting….
In the first place, why was I even worrying? This itself was proof that I was being stupid. Haseong forced himself to look away and took a step. And his jaw dropped at the changed scenery.
To put it nicely, the already spacious house looked even more expansive. To put it as he felt it, it had become desolate. The glass display cabinets, vases, and paintings that had been in the living room were all gone. The interior, with only the necessary large furniture, made the vast indoor space look even more empty.
“The house…”
“I did some tidying up.”
Was getting rid of all the small items that had given it the atmosphere of a lived-in home considered tidying up? Haseong looked around with a sour expression.
He couldn’t check the other rooms as all the doors were closed, but just by looking at the kitchen, he could tell it was in a similar state to the living room. There wasn’t a single dish or cup out. As he glanced at the neatly emptied cupboards, his gaze unknowingly turned toward the study.
“I told you to use my room.”
Yehan stood blocking the tightly shut study door. Even though he had no intention of setting foot in the study anyway, Yehan clasped his hands behind his back, even gripping the doorknob firmly as he continued speaking.
“The study… is a bit of a mess. I haven’t been able to tidy it up. So don’t try to come in, and if you need anything, tell me.”
A momentary silence fell at Yehan’s gesture, which was so awkward as he blocked the front of the study. As they stared at each other without a word, it was Haseong who turned his back first. Perhaps because he obediently opened the door to Yehan’s room as instructed, this time there was no move to interfere.
Haseong pushed the door carefully so it wouldn’t make a closing sound. Finally, leaning against the fully closed door, he brought his clasped hands to his mouth and let out a small breath.
His head throbbed at the thought of having to live face-to-face with Yehan in this atmosphere for a few weeks at the shortest, or a few months at the longest.
‘Should I just brazenly ask him to get me a room nearby even now.’
But he quickly erased that thought too. Hadn’t he firmly decided that anything he received from Yehan had to end with the pheromones?
After sending a text to his noona saying he had arrived, he put the bag he was carrying down on the floor. Then he quietly tried to lock the door. The sound of the lock engaging rang out louder than he expected, making his shoulders flinch.
Surely he wasn’t listening from outside. Haseong’s hand, holding his breath, gripped the doorknob again. It didn’t open, just rattled, which seemed to mean that he hadn’t played any strange tricks on the door this time.
Finally relieved, Haseong went to the bathroom, washed up, and came out. After just ruffling his hair a few times to dry the remaining moisture, he went straight to Yehan’s bed and flopped down.
Unpacking was just a matter of hanging up the winter coat he brought and folding a few other clothes into the drawer. Deciding to do that later, he stretched out on the soft bed, but it wasn’t long before he threw off the blanket and pillow and shot up.
‘The scent…’
Perhaps because it had been aired out in advance, the bedroom didn’t smell as strongly of pheromones as he had thought. The fact that it only felt faint must have also been because his sense of smell was dull.
But lying directly on the bedding, the faint pheromone scent seemed to envelop his whole body, and he just couldn’t bear it. It wasn’t enough to make his body react with excitement, but it created the illusion of being held directly by Yehan.
And that illusion, though he didn’t want to admit it, brought a strange sense of stability. This comfort, like napping in a hammock in the middle of a forest with a gentle breeze, he instinctively knew was the effect of receiving the alpha pheromones of his pregnancy partner.
After contemplating whether to lie down again or not, Haseong eventually surrendered to his instinct and pulled the blanket up, burying his nose in it. He closed his drowsy eyes while smelling the scent that tickled the tip of his nose. The fatigue and tension from the long car ride melted away, and at the same time, a wave of sleepiness washed over Haseong’s body.
He thought he was about to fall asleep just like that, but just before his faint consciousness transitioned into complete unconsciousness, the sound of a knock on the door made the sleepiness vanish.
Haseong got up unsteadily, unlocked the door, and poked his face out. As brazen as he was, he still lacked the nerve to just stay holed up in his room and answer. Yehan held out his phone screen, which showed a list of various restaurants, through the open doorway and asked.
“I’m going to order dinner, is there anything you want to eat?”
“No. It’s okay, you can eat by yourself, hyung.”
“You’re the one who needs to eat a lot, Haseong-ssi.”
“I don’t really have an appetite…”
Haseong trailed off in a hoarse voice. Right now, he was just tired, not caring about food or anything else.
“Then I’ll order something for you, so let me know when you get hungry. Ah, is there anything you can’t eat? Seorae-ssi said you have a bit of morning sickness.”
He thought, my noona really says all sorts of things. Haseong let his shoulders droop and shook his head.
“I feel nauseous when I smell fishy things, but it’s not severe, so don’t worry about it.”
“I brought you here to worry about you, so if you tell me not to worry, then there’s really nothing for me to do for you.”
“There’s nothing you need to do. The pheromones… I couldn’t not receive them, so that’s the only reason I followed you, hyung. I’ll take care of everything else myself.”
The unpleasant feeling that had made his fingertips go stiff when he was forced to unbox the new phone Yehan had presented as a gift. Woochan’s voice, jeering, Is it a payment for services? Him, the fool who couldn’t refute it and could only vaguely guess at the source of that unpleasantness. Not a single one of those was something he wanted to experience a second time.
“…After ‘let’s stop,’ is the next thing, ‘don’t worry about it, I’ll do it myself’?”
At the heavily suppressed voice, Haseong, who had been unconsciously staring at Yehan’s feet again, snapped his head up. Yehan was looking down at him with eyes like low-quality pearls, covered in dirt and impurities.
In a way, his pupils, which looked not just hazy but almost like they were filled with black sediment, looked so hurt. Haseong took in every single one of his actions, as if preserving them.
“What should I do…”
He seemed to try to push the half-open door all the way, but then he quietly withdrew his hand.
“…Right, you must be tired today, so rest. Rest well, and in four days, let’s go to the hospital together.”
Just by sweeping his bangs back with his hand and taking a deep breath, Yehan returned to his usual face. As it happened, his schedule was free in four days, so he had looked up a hospital and made an appointment in advance. Haseong, slightly skeptical at the additional explanation, asked back.
“Are you going too, hyung?”
The hospital he used to go to was too far to travel back and forth, so he did need to find a new one nearby.
But whichever hospital he transferred to, he had naturally intended to go alone and had no thought of even telling Yehan. What if a sighting of them was reported. But the man himself seemed to have no such worries in his head at all.
“…You haven’t forgotten that I’m the baby’s father, have you?”
Could there be anyone else in the world to whom the title ‘baby’s father’ was so horribly ill-suited? He knew it was a disrespectful thought to both the father-to-be and the baby in his belly, but… judging by the side of him he had shown so far, he didn’t seem like he would have much affection even for his own flesh and blood.
It was fascinating to hear the word ‘father’ come so readily from such a person’s mouth. Even more so because he himself, who had known about the pregnancy for well over a couple of months, had yet to call himself a father out loud.
He felt a bit embarrassed for some reason, and although his heart had almost completely leaned toward having the baby, he hadn’t made a definite decision yet, so he was being sparing with his expressions, afraid of getting attached for no reason. Not giving the baby a prenatal nickname was for the same reason. Haseong felt sorry again and caressed his stomach.
“It’s not that, but…”
“I have to go with you and listen to the doctor’s explanation to know what’s going on. We’re definitely going to the hospital together, so for now, just rest.”
Haseong reluctantly nodded. Perhaps not wanting to bicker any longer with the half-open door between them, Yehan also took it upon himself to close the door around that point.
Around the time the sliver of light shining from the lit living room into the dark room gradually shrank until only a thin line remained, the closing door suddenly stopped.
“Can I ask just one thing?”
Yehan’s voice seeped through the crack in the door, which was open just enough that they couldn’t see each other’s expressions.
“The day you left, you told me… that you had liked me. Just what that meant.”
“…I liked you as a person. That’s what it means.”
It wasn’t a lie. He had only hidden the one line of emotion concealed behind it. No, it wasn’t even hidden. He couldn’t yet proudly say ‘I don’t like Go Yehan,’ but his feelings had grown distant enough to the point where it was hard to be certain that ‘I like Go Yehan.’
If ‘I don’t like him’ was on the left and ‘I like him’ was on the right, his feelings would be in an extremely ambiguous state, slightly tilted to the left of the middle, just like his pheromone levels.
He hoped these feelings would quickly shift completely to the left. So that he could quickly shake off this frustrating lingering attachment and worry, and leave with a light heart on the day he no longer needed Yehan’s help. That was all Haseong currently wished for.
Since he couldn’t see his face, he was able to fabricate a relatively calm answer. A voice, as if mulling over the words, abruptly flew toward the relieved Haseong.
“So even that is in the past tense.”
“…….”
“Thank you for telling me. Now, really, get some rest. …I’ve made it so the door locks properly, only from the inside, so lock it if you’re anxious.”
The moment the words ended, even the sliver of light that had managed to squeeze through disappeared. Haseong stood in front of the perfectly fine lock and lingered for a long time, before eventually locking the door again and going to sleep.
The moment his head hit the pillow, he fell asleep and woke up after sleeping soundly for 8 hours without waking up once. Outside the window, it seemed to be just before sunrise, as the navy-blue sky was mixed with shimmering scarlet clouds.
Even after opening his eyes, Haseong lingered in the blanket he was hugging for a long time. If he hadn’t felt hungry, he would have lazed around until the sun was high in the sky.
He had gotten into the habit of eating dinner regularly with his noona, and just skipping it for one day made his stomach churn. Or was it because there was another being inside him that needed nutrition? For having skipped one meal, his appetite was excessive.
‘He said he’d order something.’
Remembering what Yehan had said before he fell asleep, he carefully opened the door. The time was 6 AM. Not only was it an early hour to be eating breakfast, but it was certainly not the time for the owner of this house to be awake and active.
To go quietly to the kitchen and just bring back some food, Haseong was stealthily stepping on his heels when he peeked his head out of the open doorway and nearly fainted.
“…Where are you going?”
From the middle of the vast living room, a deeply sunken voice flowed out like a ghost’s wail. Only after seeing a pair of feet peeking out from under the sofa did Haseong realize that the owner of the voice was Yehan.
“H-Hyung, why are you up so early…”
“I just happened to wake up early. I have to leave at 8 anyway.”
Yehan sat up, ruffling his messy hair. When he turned on the living room lights with the remote control, the dark interior of the house brightened in an instant. The haggard state of Yehan, who was sitting right under the light, also came into view more clearly.
When their eyes met, he crinkled the corners of his eyes into a slight smile. But his hollow eyes and complexion were, to anyone’s eyes, not those of someone who had slept properly.
Haseong’s face contorted as he saw the liquor bottle and medicine container strewn on the coffee table, and scraps of a script that were so heavily highlighted with a fluorescent pen that the ink had seeped through the paper, tearing it in places.
“Did you sleep in the living room?”
“Ah, I was doing something on the sofa.”
The memory of him always lying on the living room sofa to get things done was clearly etched in his mind. But the alcohol, the medicine, and Yehan’s haggard state were nowhere in that memory’s scenery. Even when he was sprawled out in comfortable clothes, he had looked perfect if anything, but a sight like this…
“I should have cleaned up a bit before sleeping.”
Perhaps sensing that Haseong’s troubled gaze was scanning the various items on the table, Yehan muttered while ruffling his disheveled hair. He offered an excuse-like explanation that he had a drink to relieve stress because he couldn’t memorize the script, and then began to tidy up the mess.
He gathered the torn script pages, threw the medicine container in the trash, and finally, stood up holding the half-empty bottle of liquor and found the cap rolling on the floor to seal the bottle’s opening.
Even at a glance, it was a strong imported liquor that seemed to be at least 40 proof. It was hard to accept that he had been drinking something like that while reading a script, and since Yehan wasn’t usually one to enjoy alcohol, it was a series of even more questions.
Only after putting the liquor bottle in the refrigerator, as if to hide it, did he turn around again. Leaning against the refrigerator with his arms crossed, Yehan’s lips parted slightly as if he had something to say. The voice that flowed from between his lips, which were slightly agape as if he were contemplating whether to ask or not, was still hoarse, like scraping metal.
“…So, where are you trying to sneak off to like that. At this hour of the morning. Was the bed uncomfortable? Or were you bothered by me rustling around in the living room…”
“To the kitchen…”
Haseong cut Yehan off, carefully pointing to the front of the refrigerator where he was standing. Thanks to his pheromones clinging to the bedding, he had slept soundly. He had slept so deeply he didn’t even dream, so there was no way he could have heard the sound of Yehan sipping alcohol alone while looking at a script in this spacious living room.
When he said he woke up early because he was hungry, the tension immediately drained from Yehan’s body, who until just a moment ago had been watching him as if he had committed some crime. He pulled out a dining chair and then opened the refrigerator door again.
“Sit here. I’ll fix you something.”
“I’ll do it myse—”
“Do you know where the dishes are?”
Haseong glanced at the empty kitchen and then sat down at the table as told. As he looked around the state of the house, which had turned into a model home in just a few months, a complaint finally slipped out.
“Why have you hidden everything away so tightly?”
“Well. Seyeong and Hyeongseok tidied it up.”
Yehan gave a vague answer as if he didn’t know either, and rummaged deep inside a cupboard to take out some dishes. At the name he hadn’t heard in a while, Haseong hesitated before asking.
“…Are the CEO and the teacher doing well?”
After overhearing Hyeongseok and Seyeong’s conversation, it was true that he had felt a sense of betrayal, thinking that Hyeongseok, like Yehan, had deceived him. Still, it didn’t change the fact that he had been a good employer the entire time he worked. Naturally, Kim Jinho, who had likewise been a good employer and mentor, also came to mind.
At the time, he had been so anxious to get away from Yehan as quickly as possible that he had quit without even a proper goodbye, and thinking back now, he felt it was quite a rude action, which weighed on his heart. He felt especially sorry because Kim Jinho’s workshop was right on the verge of its busiest season around that time.
“Hyeongseok is the same as always. I haven’t been in touch with Jinho lately since we’ve both been busy.”
“I, I quit so suddenly…”
His voice naturally trailed off with guilt. A cloying question, dripping with anticipation, flew toward such a Haseong.
“Do you want to do it again?”
“No. I’m not going to continue living in Seoul anyway, I just… feel sorry for being irresponsible.”
“…….”
Haseong quickly refused. The way Yehan asked made it seem like if he showed even the slightest hint of wanting to do it, he would contact Kim Jinho right away.
If he was doing this to express his apology, he would rather he just did nothing at all. He didn’t want to receive anything more than what was truly necessary, but he felt burdened because Yehan kept trying to give him things.
Moreover, since the man who had never been like this was consistently acting with a low posture, he also started to suspect that this was a scheme to tie him down by bestowing various things on him under the pretext of being sorry.
He wanted to believe his apology was sincere, and he had followed him because he believed so, but honestly, if Yehan decided to act, he couldn’t tell the difference. If even this appearance he was showing now was all an act…
‘No. So what if it’s an act. Don’t get your hopes up.’
That man was not someone with a normal sense of ethics. It wouldn’t be strange if he deceived him in the same way again after apologizing for his wrongdoing. While he was steeling his heart, the meal was set. As Haseong picked up his chopsticks, looking at the lavish side dishes that felt a bit heavy for breakfast, he soon paused.
“Aren’t you eating, hyung?”
The person who had set the table hadn’t sat down, nor had he set out his own bowl and utensils. Was this all prepared for him to eat alone? As he looked up at Yehan with a dumbfounded expression, the man, standing a few steps away from the table, spoke playfully.
“I’m afraid you’ll get indigestion if you eat facing me, Haseong-ssi.”
“What are you…”
His tongue, about to retort “talking about,” got twisted. It was because the thought of eating with Yehan made him feel as if the food he hadn’t even put in his mouth yet was sitting heavily on his chest. It had been the same when they ate the cake he brought last time.
He had barely eaten it, just scraping off the cream, and the cake, which had revealed its flesh like a gaunt, dry branch, had been eaten a few slices by his noona after Yehan left, with the rest thrown away. Yehan just winked at Hase-ong, who had stopped unnaturally as if a word was caught in his throat.
“…Still, at least talk to me while you eat. It’s nice to be like this with you after a long time, Haseong-ssi.”
I’ll be going in to wash up soon, so at least until then. The calmly added voice sounding like a plea must have been his own wretched delusion. Haseong began to eat, deliberately ignoring the direction where Yehan was standing.
Only the clattering sound of dishes moving echoed in the empty kitchen. Yehan, who had asked him to talk, leaned against the refrigerator as if advertising that he was as tall as it, and drank bottled water.
He just silently quenched his thirst, and only after Haseong had finished about half his bowl of rice did he start to ask various everyday questions. Did you sleep well, was anything uncomfortable, did you contact your noona, does the food suit your taste, and so on. They were all questions that could be answered with a simple ‘yes.’
Perhaps tired of the constant ‘yes’es, a frown of displeasure momentarily creased Yehan’s brow. What came after the fine lines disappeared was a question that couldn’t be answered briefly.
“What should we do about the pheromones. At what interval, and how much do I need to receive?”
“When I was receiving artificial pheromones, I got them twice a week, but as for the amount, I don’t really know.”
“How did you receive the artificial pheromones? An injection? Medicine?”
“No. It was a method where I just sat still in a room with a machine that released pheromones and let them soak into my body.”
“The day you met me at the hospital, were you coming from that treatment then too?”
When he nodded lightly in affirmation, Yehan crushed the empty water bottle and trailed off.
“Then the pheromone scent on your body that day was also…”
Haseong, guessing what he was recalling, fell silent as well.
Yehan’s crazed attitude of cornering him, asking why his body smelled of alpha pheromones, as if he had been sleeping around, had settled as a scar in a corner of his memory, along with the words “you have no shame.” In terms of dates, it was something that had happened not too long ago.
“…What should I do. If I were you, Haseong-ssi, I don’t think I could trust this bastard no matter how much he said he was sorry.”
He let out a faint, hollow laugh and roughly scrubbed his dry face as if to punish himself. Unable to watch Yehan, who, as if that wasn’t enough, began to pace around anxiously, Haseong put down his utensils. He didn’t want to say it was okay. Because it wasn’t okay.
But he also didn’t want to see Yehan looking so unstable ever since he woke up this morning. Why had the man who was always so calm, sly, and relaxed become so fragile, as if he would crumble at the slightest touch of a finger. He hated himself for being such a lingering fool, unable to stand the unsettling gap.
Honestly, he wasn’t unaware that the atmosphere would turn out like this no matter what. What conversation could there be when everything was so messed up. He should have just endured his hunger and waited for Yehan to leave.
He was done eating, and it was obvious that his own heart would become uncomfortable if he sat here looking at Yehan, so he was about to get up. The moment he pushed back his chair and turned around, a weak force grabbed the hem of his clothes. Yehan, who had approached him at some point, was holding him. It wasn’t even his wrist, just the edge of his pajamas, held with only his thumb and forefinger.
“Ah…”
Even that, he hastily let go of as if it were a mistake when his gaze fell upon it. From the day they met again because of the pheromone issue, Yehan had been showing him nothing but unfamiliar sides. Was it because he was truly sorry, or did he have some other dark ulterior motive, or else…
‘No way.’
Haseong immediately discarded the ridiculous speculation that had flashed through his mind. He knew because he had liked him before. You couldn’t say such things to someone you liked, nor could you do such things.
“…Hyung, you said you have to leave by 8.”
He was about to go to his room without a word, leaving the statue-like Yehan, but thinking of Seyeong who would come to pick him up on time, he pointed it out verbally. Only then did Yehan come to his senses and took a step as if to move, before distracting Haseong with a long sigh.
“I know I’m hopeless for asking something like this even in this situation, but…”
It took quite a while for the mumbled end of his sentence to continue.
“You’ll be here, right? At home…”
“…….”
“I’m not telling you not to go out…. That’s really not what I mean. I’m just asking if you’ll be home when I get back…”
“I have nowhere to go anyway.”
Haseong muttered, feeling completely deflated. He had no family or friends living in Seoul, and it had been a long time since he had sorted out the place he used to live, so where else would he go but this house?
“You should get going.”
After uttering a half-hearted farewell without looking at his face, Haseong hurried back to his room without looking at Yehan’s expression and closed the door.