FRWD Ch 9

‘It’s a size that would be strange if it didn’t hurt.’

Having lived for twenty two years, Haseong had never realized so keenly as he did these days that there were truly many mysterious things in the world. It was a mystery that it somehow all fit inside him, and it was also a mystery that while it hurt at first, he had now grown so accustomed to it that he would even sob because it felt good…. Even though it was all happening inside his own body, it was full of mysteries.

“If it hurts like you have indigestion, then isn’t it not my fault?”

Unlike the hand that was gently patting his waist and side, a mischievous voice chuckled beside him. Haseong muttered with a sullen expression.

“…For some reason, it hurts more after I do it with you, hyung.”

“It’s because your body is weak. So wouldn’t it be better to work harder and build up your stamina?”

Yehan, who had delivered the diagnosis like a doctor, rolled Haseong’s body to the side with a gentle push. In an instant, Haseong was flipped over, and Yehan swiftly climbed on top of him.

On weekdays, Yehan would at least be considerate of his situation, but Haseong knew very well that on Sundays, his only day off, Yehan would push him until he himself was satisfied. Terrified, Haseong began to struggle.

“Ugh, hyung! The script! You said you were going to look at the script…!”

As if sending out a distress signal, he picked up the script that had been pitifully dropped by his head and waved it back and forth. It was a desperate cry to call it a day and for them to get to their own work. Fortunately, it seemed to have worked, as Yehan accepted the script with a sad expression and began to whine.

“That’s right, I forgot. How annoying. What should I do? I don’t want to go to the script reading.”

“Isn’t it something you have to go to?”

“That’s right. But I don’t want to go…. Hmm, I wish I could just stay cooped up at home and roll around with Mr. Haseong every day like this.”

“……”

Haseong squeezed his eyes shut and ignored him, pretending he had not heard anything. Seeing this, Yehan seemed to pinch Haseong’s ear, then whispered softly.

“If you’re having a really hard time, shall we take a break next week?”

“That, is….”

It was an offer he should have been delighted about, yet he hesitated to readily accept.

Taking a break, did that mean… they should not see each other for a week? That must be it. To be honest, it was not like they did anything other than have sex when they met.

Well, it was not like they had to do something grand just because they were meeting outside of the live club. It was not as if they were in some kind of great relationship…. It was something they had both agreed to from the start, so there was no reason to be disappointed.

But why was he feeling this way?

Haseong knew that after meeting Yehan, his life had changed for the better in many ways, thanks to the opportunities Yehan had created for him out of simple goodwill. The feeling of helplessness, like standing alone in the middle of a vast ocean, and the agonizing sensation of his windpipe slowly closing in, now rarely came to him. In fact, these days, the sleepless nights spent worrying about the future had all but disappeared.

Thanks to Yehan, dreamlike days, where it was not enough to just be buoyed by hope and joy, were continuing. So why. The emotion that occasionally visited and acted out of place tormented Haseong. Whenever that happened, Haseong tried hard to shake off that feeling, which felt like it should not even be given a name.

Yehan was his benefactor, and he was, to the very end, repaying that grace. Sex was just one of the means to that end, and the tenderness Yehan showed him also had no special meaning. It was a relationship where there was no room for any emotion other than the release of sexual desire to intervene.

It was a bit bitter, but that was the reality. Just as Haseong was diligently reminding himself of this.

“Instead, let’s go see the night view on Wednesday.”

A gentle voice shook Haseong once again.

“The Chuseok holiday is from Wednesday to Sunday, so you’re off, right? We can go for a drive too.”

As if to prove that he had not misheard, Yehan’s voice continued. He had not expected Yehan to suggest meeting on the Chuseok holiday of all times, not on any other day. He had the image of someone who would spend the holidays with his family.

From the things he said from time to time, it seemed his parents had a good marital relationship, to the point of frequently exchanging gifts, and he seemed to keep in regular contact with his mother, Yoo Seojin, even after moving out, so perhaps that image had been unconsciously ingrained in his mind.

He had already completely forgotten that he had been unnecessarily gloomy and digging himself into a hole just a moment ago. He knew it was not normal for his mood to swing so wildly at the simple suggestion of going to see a night view, but his excited heart took precedence. The throbbing pain in his body was no longer felt. Haseong’s lips parted, his face slightly flushed.

“I’d love to, but are you free on Chuseok, hyung? Aren’t you going to see your mother?”

“We just have a meal on the day itself. And even that tends to be flexible depending on my mother’s schedule. What about you, Mr. Haseong?”

“I don’t really have anything either….”

His mother’s new husband did not particularly welcome contact from his stepson, with whom he shared no blood. Whenever he happened to call to ask how she was, the man would find fault for no reason and try to cut the conversation short, which Haseong had grown weary of. His mother, for her part, avoided contact because she felt conscious of her husband’s feelings.

To set foot in the house with such a stepfather, using the holiday as an excuse, was something he could not even dream of. In the first place, if the man had been that generous, he would not have ordered her to drop off her son—who was just about to turn twenty—in Seoul and leave him there when he remarried his mother, declaring he would never live with the other man’s son.

‘Though Mom is also a problem for following that order to the letter….’

Haseong had long since given up on his mother’s character, who was easily swayed by her lovers’ words, and could only let out a deep sigh. He just hoped she would live with this new husband for a while longer. It was vividly clear that if she got divorced again, she would spend every day in a flood of tears and drive him mad.

Anyway, for those reasons, nothing particularly changed for Haseong just because it was a holiday. It was not as if he could create non-existent friends to meet, nor could he spend it with family. The only difference from his usual routine was that he had no reason to leave the house since he was off from work during the holiday.

So, as the holiday approached, he was always worried about how to spend his time. Strangely enough, even though it was a similar daily routine, when he was alone at home during the holidays, time seemed to pass more slowly. Watching the news about the holiday homecoming rush or holiday prices, and the specially programmed family entertainment shows, made him feel disconnected from the world and even more dazed.

But this time, it seemed like it would be different. Judging by how he was already subtly looking forward to the upcoming holiday just from the simple words about going to see the night view. To avoid showing how excited he was, Haseong pulled the blanket up to hide his face and asked in a small voice.

“But why the night view all of a sudden….”

“Because it seemed like you like looking at the sky, Mr. Haseong.”

“How did you know?”

“Every time I come to this house, you’re in the living room, staring blankly out the window.”

When on earth had he seen that? He did keep looking at the floor-to-ceiling window as if observing it because he found it fascinating. Still, he had tried to sneak glances when Yehan was busy with other things, but it seemed that no matter how he tried to hide it, everything was discovered by him.

“I wanted to give you a reward for something before you get busy. There are more than just one or two things I’m grateful to you for these days, Mr. Haseong.”

“A reward….”

At the words that followed, his pounding heart quickly calmed down. His head, which had turned cold as if by magic, immediately produced rational thoughts.

Just showing me something I like as a reward, that’s something. I even get to hear that he’s grateful when I’ve done nothing for him but have sex. Well, I suppose that’s what Yehan wants and needs the most right now. So, from now on, I should just… like this.

Haseong threw off the blanket along with his stray thoughts. There was no longer a need to hide his face.

“Then I’ll come pick you up on Wednesday.”

Peck. A gentle kiss landed on his forehead. Haseong forced a smile and nodded.

Even as he turned off the alarm he had set and got up to choose his clothes, he was not entirely thrilled. Haseong’s hands rummaged through the clothes Yehan had bought him with a sluggishness. In the midst of it all, he still wanted to wear something that looked cool, so his fingertips hovered for a long time between a trench coat and a blazer.

He wanted to go, but he did not want to go. If his heart leaned to one side, he could at least prepare happily or cancel the appointment for sure, but it was really exactly fifty-fifty.

‘Still, he called it a reward.’

He himself did not know what more he was hoping for, to be sulking like this on his own. It was a repetition of pacing around the small room and sighing once, trying on this and that outfit only to be dissatisfied and tossing it aside, and then again, staring at the clock for a long time, and frowning at the cracked phone screen.

In the middle of all that, the screen suddenly lit up with a notification that a call was coming in, startling him. Haseong, who had been scrambling thinking it was Yehan, froze at the caller’s name.

[Mom]

It was a call after a very long time. Although it was the holiday, he had not expected a call, so what was this about? With a somehow bad feeling, Haseong slowly answered the phone and forced out a bright voice.

“Oh, Mom. What’s up?”

—My son! What are you doing for Chuseok?

His mother’s voice, which he had not heard in a while, was affectionate. Relieved that it seemed to be nothing serious, contrary to his worries, Haseong also relaxed his shoulders.

“Getting ready to go out for an appointment. What about you, Mom? Are you doing well?”

—I’m preparing food. Of course, I’m doing well. What about you, son?

“I’m the same as always. More importantly, is it okay for you to be calling?”

That man won’t like it. He shrewdly swallowed the latter part of the sentence. Last time, she had sent a text saying she was sick and having a hard time, so he had called out of worry, only to get an earful from the man who answered the phone instead. He was worried that if he got caught talking on the phone this time, the sparks might fly.

—Oh, it’s fine, it’s fine. Is he going to stop me from making one phone call to my son on a holiday? You, really…. How is it, are you eating well?

Weren’t you out of contact during the Lunar New Year…. Haseong was bewildered, but for now, he engaged in the conversation warmly.

“Yeah. What about you, Mom? Is that man treating you well?”

—Of course. He treats me so well. Hyeonu and Hyeonsu also treat me like a mother. They’re coming for Chuseok this time, I don’t know what I should feed them.

Hyeonu and Hyeonsu were the man’s sons, whom he had only heard of by name. He only knew that they were around his age or a little older, but the news that they even visited the house made him feel subtly hurt. Of course, since his mother was practically living off the man in his house, their situations were different from his own…. But still, he could not help but compare.

While she had contacted her own son after several months, her attitude of worrying about what to cook for boys who did not share a drop of her blood was, in fact, the most disappointing and upsetting thing. Isn’t it the job of their own father to take care of his own children?

But he could not reveal such inner thoughts as they were. The reaction he would get for whining was obvious. Haseong replied as calmly as possible.

“…Holiday food is all more or less the same, isn’t it.”

—They take after him, so their tastes are a bit picky. Last time, I made kimchi and sent it over, but it seems like they didn’t eat it at all.

“That’s strange. Your kimchi is delicious, Mom.”

—Really? See, my son is the only one. …So, son.

His mother suddenly lowered her voice and paused. Haseong bit his nails as a wave of anxiety washed over him again. It was because good news had never come out of times like these.

—Do you happen to have any spare money? Hyeonu is apparently opening a convenience store this time, but he’s a little short on the security deposit. But neither I nor he can afford to cover it….

“……”

As expected. It was bad news, just as he had anticipated. Although he had not expected her to ask to borrow money.

…Does she not know how much I’m struggling to get by on my own? Well, I’ve never told her I’m having a hard time, so maybe she doesn’t know…. No, but common sense would tell her that a guy in his early twenties who couldn’t even go to college and doesn’t have a proper job would not have any spare money….

He did not want to be disappointed in his only family member anymore, but she kept showing him rock bottom. Completely drained, Haseong could not even react and remained silent. As if that made her more anxious, his mother rambled on.

—He subtly asked if there was anywhere I could get some money, and who else would I think of but you, Haseong. My son is all I have… Haseong, huh?

“…Where would I get money.”

—I know. I’m sorry, Mom is really sorry. But still… could you maybe ask Woochan’s family for me?

“You’re telling me now to borrow money from those hyungs, to lend it to that man’s son whom I’ve never even seen? Mom, really….”

—It would be good to get to know each other through this opportunity. Ah! If you help out this time, he will be grateful too, and then I can take care of my son without having to worry about what he thinks….

Is this some kind of game quest? If I lend the money, as a reward, mother and son will be able to see each other freely, is that it? It was so absurd that a hollow laugh escaped him. Haseong found a cigarette, put it in his mouth, and went out to the rooftop. He lit it, irritably ruffling the hair he had so carefully styled, and said.

“…I can’t lend you money. I cut ties with those hyungs and deleted all their contact information.”

—What? How did that happen?

“Woochan hyung hit me. He hit me so hard my ear was torn and I had to get it stitched up. And even then, I had to borrow money for the hospital bill to get it treated.”

—…Who did you borrow the hospital fees from?

“What on earth…! Is that what’s important to you, Mom?”

Finally getting emotional, Haseong shouted as if to question her, and his mother’s voice became even more earnest.

—No, that’s not it. That Woochan kid is a bad person. I didn’t see him that way…. But, Haseong. Can’t you please, please help your mom? I’m desperate too.

“Did that man order you to get money no matter what? If that’s not it, then why….”

—…….

At her speechlessness, as if he had hit a nerve, a red light also flashed in Haseong’s mind.

“…Did he order you? That man? Is that why you’re calling me now?”

—Hyeonu’s financial situation is really bad these days. So he has also become sensitive….

“…I have an appointment, so I have to go. I’m hanging up.”

Seeing her implicitly admit it, he had nothing more to say. He did not want to hear it either. Haseong ignored his mother’s rambling, as she tried to defend her husband in any way she could, and hung up the phone. After doing so, another part of him regretted it, wondering if he should have listened a little longer.

It had only been two years since she had remarried, leaving him behind as if abandoning him, while saying her new husband would treat her better than anyone, that this time was really different, and that they would live happily ever after.

He had endured it, thinking this was the last time, because she had said that even if the man was stingy with him, he was different with her, that his family was well off, and that his sons were all independent and would not bother her.

But this was, no matter how he looked at it… so different from what she had said, wasn’t it?

“Haa….”

Sitting slumped on the rooftop bench and smoking a cigarette while watching the sun slowly set was the only way to soothe his insides. Of course, he was worried that his mother might be harmed in some way, but he had no money to lend, nor did he want to lend any.

His already complicated mind was becoming more and more of a tangled mess. He was going crazy with frustration, but there was nothing he could do, so tears started to fall foolishly. Before he knew it, the appointment time was just around the corner, and no matter how much he chain-smoked and pressed on the corners of his eyes, the tears would not stop, and staring at his phone would not make his bank balance increase.

Figuring that if he went out in this state, he would just show his hideously swollen face, Haseong wiped his blurry vision and quickly sent a message.

[I’m sorry, I think I have a cold so I don’t think I can go out today]

[I’m really sorry]

Yehan must have checked it right away because a call came from him immediately. Not having the heart to reject it, Haseong waited until the call ended, and then a series of messages arrived.

[Yehan hyung: Why aren’t you answering the phone?]

[Yehan hyung: Are you too sick to even answer the phone?]

[Yes… My throat is all hoarse so I can’t speak]

Since he was such a sharp person, he would know just from hearing a sniffle that it was not because he was sick. Afraid of that, he lied, and a surprisingly cheerful reply came back.

[Yehan hyung: Okay, I get it for now^^]

It was a relief that he did not press the matter further. Haseong added another apology and even sent his best wishes for a good Chuseok. Since he had bailed on the appointment like this, they would not be able to meet during the holiday. He waited for a long time, but no reply came from Yehan.

‘Is he angry?’

He had cancelled unilaterally right before the time they were supposed to meet, so it was understandable… but he had not meant for it to be like this. Even this made him feel 괜히 sorrowful, and he buried his face in his knees and sniffled. After some time had passed, the sun had completely set, and the rather chilly wind scratched at his arms.

Haseong checked the time and looked at his reflection in the cracked screen. His meticulously styled hair was a tangled mess, belying the effort of dressing up in what anyone could tell were expensive clothes, and his eyes were raw while the tip of his nose was red.

‘What kind of pathetic sight is this….’

Feeling ashamed, Haseong was about to go back inside. As he came through the entrance and was about to close the metal door, something got caught in the door gap. Startled, he looked down at his feet and saw that a neat dress shoe had wedged its way in. A blurry figure was with it.

“Who is it?”

There was no one who would be visiting. Puzzled, he carefully opened the door, mindful not to hit the person on the other side. And upon facing the man standing there holding a shopping bag from a familiar porridge franchise and a bag with a pharmacy’s name on it, he froze on the spot.

“You said you were sick, but you were lying, weren’t you?”

Yehan, twisting the corner of his mouth as if in disbelief, pinched the red tip of Haseong’s nose hard.

“How… How did you know this place, hyung….”

He was so surprised that the tears that had been trickling out stopped completely. Instead, his heart was pounding so hard it felt like it would leap out of his mouth. The person he had expected not to see for the entire holiday had suddenly appeared and was blocking his doorway; it would be stranger not to be surprised in this situation.

And how did he know his address and find his way here? Yehan had dropped him off a few times, but he had always gotten out at the bottom of the alley, so there was no way Yehan could know the exact address.

Toward Haseong, who stammered out the question, Yehan shrugged as if to ask why he was asking such an obvious thing.

“There’s only one house with a rooftop room in this alley, you know?”

“Ah.”

Come to think of it, that was true. This area was mostly lined with old, low-rise, old-style houses. So he had failed to consider that one could easily find a house with a rooftop room just by looking up. As Haseong let out a dumb sound of realization, Yehan chuckled and continued his explanation.

“Just in case, I was standing on the rooftop stairs about to call you, Mr. Haseong, when I saw some guy crouched on the bench, sniffling. He looked exactly the same as the day we first met.”

Another dark part of his history he had forgotten popped up. Of all things, to have been seen crying by the same person three times, no, including the times he cried during sex, it was many times…. Anyway, just counting the times he had been seen crying in a normal situation, it was already the third time.

It was a high number for a grown man to be seen in tears in front of another man, even if you did not count the one time he had burst into tears right after sex because of all the shameful things Yehan had teased him with.

He knew it was useless now that he had been caught, but he did not want to openly show a face that screamed ‘I was just crying,’ so his head naturally drooped. But as soon as Haseong’s gaze fell to the floor, Yehan grabbed his chin with his fingers and lifted it up.

“It doesn’t seem like… you’re crying because you’re sick.”

His fingers, which had been lightly tickling his chin, soon moved up to his forehead. The large hand, which covered almost half of his face, lingered on his forehead for a while before pulling away. With the corners of his mouth still smiling, Yehan said in a gentle voice.

“You don’t have a fever either, do you?”

“Um, hyung, about that….”

Haseong glanced down at Yehan’s left hand, which was full of bags. The porridge and the medicine bag peeking out from above it. Even the most clueless person would know that these were things bought for someone who was sick. That was why, out of conscience, he could not ask why he had come.

At his excuse of being sick, Yehan must have had to search for a while during this Chuseok holiday when there were few open stores. And he must have come to find him as soon as he had bought the necessary things. A wave of guilt washed over Haseong, and his eyes shook uncontrollably.

“You have a brazen side to you sometimes. Is that why you said you couldn’t meet, because you were crying? You didn’t even answer your phone?”

“…My face was swollen… and I thought if I went out in this state, I would just ruin your mood too, hyung….”

A chilly wind enveloped his skin. The thought that Yehan might be displeased for daring to deceive him made an even more desperate excuse flow out. Just as he was momentarily relieved by Yehan’s gesture of nodding as if he understood everything while quietly listening to his stammering excuse, Yehan looked him straight in the eye and asked.

“How would you know whether my mood would be ruined or not, Mr. Haseong, that you would break a prior engagement on your own accord?”

“…I’m sorry.”

“I wasn’t trying to get an apology… well, whatever. So why were you crying? I only have one guess.”

Yehan leaned against the doorframe, crossed his arms, and continued.

“Did you try contacting your ex-girlfriend again or something?”

“Pardon?”

“You were crying last time too after she dumped you. When you fought with Mr. Woochan, you were just fuming a bit, you didn’t cry.”

“With Woochan hyung, we had already fought a lot before that, and my girlfriend dumped me suddenly, so,”

“Ex.”

He did not know what fighting with Woochan had to do with being dumped by a lover, but he was in the middle of continuing his explanation, which was closer to an excuse. Yehan cut him off and suddenly spat out a single, incomprehensible word.

“Ex-girlfriend. If you don’t add that, it sounds like you’re still dating.”

“Ah, yes…. My ex-girlfriend suddenly broke up with me via text without any warning, so I was in shock and cried….”

What’s the point, everyone around me knows I was unilaterally dumped by my girlfriend even if I don’t correct him…. Haseong pouted his lips but, as Yehan requested, he painstakingly added the prefix ‘ex’ before ‘girlfriend’ and explained again.

“I haven’t contacted her since then. And… I wasn’t crying because of my ex-girlfriend just now either….”

“……”

“Um, I’m really sorry for canceling our plans. I lied about being sick and made you come all this way, I’m such a nuisance….”

“…Ha.”

Letting out a long breath, Yehan wiped his face, hiding his expression. The shape of his mouth, glimpsed between his fingers, was set in a cold line, unlike moments before when it had been constantly smiling like a mask.

As if he had overlooked something, he paced around the cramped entrance with a troubled expression before finally revealing his face.

“I was just thinking, knowing Mr. Haseong’s personality, it didn’t seem like he’d cancel plans unless he was really sick, but just sending a text and not answering the phone was suspicious, so.”

The expression on his face as he said that had returned to its usual gentle smile.

“I’m glad you’re not sick. Ah, do I have to keep standing here?”

His voice finally returning to its usual tone, he glanced inside the entrance and tried to take off his shoes. In that instant, Haseong recalled the state of his room and quickly blocked the entrance with his body.

In the name of choosing clothes, he had pulled out every single outfit and tossed it on the floor. Plus, thinking he would be resting at home for a few days, he had lazed around and not cleaned the floor, and the dishes from lunch were still piled up.

He could not show this pigsty to anyone. At least, not to hyung…. Haseong stood blocking the shoe rack, even spreading his arms wide to prevent Yehan from looking inside.

“Uh, that is, it’s very small and messy inside. It’s a bit much to have a guest.”

“Then the weather is cool, so let’s just sit on the bench, I guess.”

Fortunately, Yehan readily turned back and headed for the bench in the rooftop yard. On the green waterproof painted floor, surrounded by the landlady’s soy sauce jars and pots of ripening green peppers, with a worn-out laundry rack where a blanket fluttered, Yehan mixed in like oil floating on water.

‘It really doesn’t suit him….’

The silver mat right next to the bench where he sat and the peppers that filled it densely made the scene even more disharmonious. It was to the point where he felt sorry for the luxury watch shining on the wrist that was casually poking at the peppers, which were split open, revealing their seeds.

I should have cleaned the house in advance. While Haseong was secretly regretting it, Yehan looked around with interest.

“The rooftop, the bench, it looks like a drama set.”

“…Is that a compliment?”

“Yes. It’s quaint and cute.”

Quaint? Where on earth is it quaint….

The incomprehensible compliment only made him feel more embarrassed. Even the landlady who had decorated this place would be ashamed to hear such a compliment. With nothing suitable to say back, Haseong just fiddled with his politely clasped hands. Yehan continued to ask him various questions.

“Is the potted plant at the entrance the perilla leaves you mentioned then? For something you’re growing to eat, it has too many leaves.”

“It grew so much while I was away from home that I didn’t have a chance to eat it. And it’s a bit much to grill meat by myself.”

“Then we can eat it together now.”

Since you’re not sick anyway, you can eat meat, right? He asked in a probing way, and there was no way to refuse. By the time they had prepared dinner with the strange combination of the porridge Yehan had brought and the pork that had been sitting in the freezer, and were sitting on the bench again, the surroundings had become completely dark.

The wind was cooler than in the early evening, but there was the heat rising from the grill, and with the jacket he had brought from the house, it was just the right coolness to sit outside.

Because the house itself was located on high ground, the orange streetlights turning on one by one down the alley, and the car lights on the distant bridge floating in a line, all came into view.

Looking up at the navy blue sky, a moon, just before becoming full, was shining brightly. It was all a familiar scene, and a scene Haseong liked. Of course, it was not as good as the view from Yehan’s house, where the urban forest and river, which felt disconnected from the secular world, could be seen at a glance.

Still, it was pretty. Pretty enough to make him forget for a moment the existence of all the junk scattered around, and even the matter of his mother that had been cluttering his mind. Besides, although there had been ups and downs, they had ended up doing everything they had planned to do together today. As if Yehan was thinking the same thing, he opened his mouth.

“Somehow, we did everything we planned. We ate dinner together, and we saw the night view together.”

“We did.”

“I know why you like looking at the sky, Mr. Haseong. If you live seeing this kind of scenery every day, you can’t help but like it.”

“The view from here is pretty. Though not as much as the view from your house, hyung.”

“Is that so? I like it here better than my house because it feels more intimate. I guess it’s a matter of taste.”

He, who had been gazing beyond the railing with his eyes languidly lowered, suddenly turned his gaze to Haseong. At the same time, his cold fingers, chilled by the wind, touched the corner of Haseong’s eye.

“Your swollen eyes have gone down quickly. For someone who was crying so sorrowfully.”

“Just when did you get to the stairs that you heard everything….”

“About thirty seconds right before you got up, Mr. Haseong? But you can tell just by the sound.”

He did not think he had cried that loudly, but if the person who heard it felt that way, there was nothing he could do. Feeling embarrassed, he sat still, and Yehan gently tickled the tips of his eyelashes and asked.

“So is what happened going to be a secret until the end?”

With hyung… it should be okay. The trust built up over time made Haseong’s lips move on their own. Still, it was a bit much to bluntly say from the beginning that there had been this and that issue with his mother’s new husband and money, so Haseong carefully started by asking a question.

“…You have a good relationship with your mother, don’t you, hyung.”

“Me? So-so… I think it’s average, hmm. We keep in touch periodically.”

That was a fact the whole nation knew. Thinking their relationship must be fine enough not to need any particular explanation, he was about to add a suitable interjection when Yehan continued to mutter.

“But I feel like that average might be a little different from the socially accepted average…. To be honest, I’ve never thought about it deeply, so I don’t really know.”

“I’m not sure what you mean….”

What is the socially accepted average. Haseong, who could not even grasp the context, trailed off. Then, very rarely, Yehan fixed his gaze on an object other than the listener and tilted his head to the side.

“When you think of a warm family, you think of a relationship where sincere emotional exchange happens, or one that serves as a firm support, right? My mother and I are far from that kind of mother-son relationship, so I think it’s a bit different from what’s commonly called average.”

So… they communicate regularly, but it’s not a relationship where they necessarily share or send support just because something happy or sad happens? Isn’t that not a good relationship?

Haseong, who had barely understood the meaning of the words, could not hide his confusion. In the midst of it, the low, pleasant voice, like ASMR, continued to flow.

“That’s not to say that we have frequent clashes of opinion or that it’s awkward when we’re together. In the first place, since we’re not interested in each other, there’s no reason to get our feelings hurt. Still, we are each other’s only family, and we have the awareness of being a mother and son, so we ask about each other’s well-being periodically.”

“Uh, it seems very unique, and also cool….”

“I’m only telling you this, Mr. Haseong, but my mother is quite extraordinary up here.”

Yehan pointed to the area around his temple. He was smiling as he precisely pointed to the spot one would circle their finger at when saying ‘that person is crazy,’ and Haseong realized that it was not simply an intention to praise his mother as a genius.

“Her way of thinking is different from ordinary people. Even I, who get told everywhere I go that I take after my mom’s personality, sometimes don’t understand her.”

“……”

“My father, who was extremely ordinary, found it even harder to understand her. Well, he fell for a person like that and even imprinted on her one-sidedly, so I guess it was a predestined catastrophe from the start.”

Imprinting was a staple in dramas and movies, portrayed as the most perfect form of love. An exclusive, romantic, and eternal relationship possible only between an Alpha and an Omega, where they become each other’s one and only existence.

Haseong, who only knew about it to the extent that it was dealt with in the mass media, did not know well what one-sided imprinting meant. But he was not so clueless as to ask what the problem was in this atmosphere.

He just listened with a serious expression, thinking that what Yehan was saying now was not a light topic to be heard casually. Seeing Haseong like that, Yehan let out a chuckle and ruffled his hair.

“Now, I’ve shared this much, so it should be a little easier for you to talk, Mr. Haseong, right?”

At his much softer tone, the serious atmosphere was instantly relieved. Haseong quietly accepted the hand that was messing up his hair and nodded. It was true that it had become much easier for him to open up, thanks to Yehan first sharing his own family matters, which were clearly heavy even if not specific.

Where should I start and end the story? To explain my relationship with my mother, I had no choice but to start from when I was young, but then the story would become too long. I wanted to speak as concisely and coherently as possible. It was embarrassing to ramble on about a family history that was not something to be proud of or harmonious.

But belying his worries, what came out of Haseong’s mouth was a rambling stream of consciousness like, “After my mom divorced my biological father over alcohol and gambling problems, she remarried several times, maybe three or four times….” The moment he uttered the first syllable, he instinctively knew he had messed up, but he could not stop.

While telling this story, he felt an explanation was needed and jumped to that story, and as he added more to it, the story became more and more sordid. Yehan listened to the rambling story patiently until the end.

“What do you want to do, Mr. Haseong?”

When the long story ended, Yehan simply asked this. Without any common consolations like ‘you must have had a hard time,’ or curses like ‘so-and-so is bad,’ he calmly asked only for my opinion. Was that why? The tension in Haseong’s shoulders, which had been as hard as a rock because he was conscious of Yehan’s reaction, drained away.

“Put aside your worries about your mother, and the sense of debt for raising you until you became an adult, and be honest.”

He added, patting the back that had shrunk from the chilly wind. Everything… put everything aside, and be honest. Haseong’s lips parted. Honestly, in truth, since a long time ago….

“…I’m sick and tired of it. I don’t want to lend her the money either.”

“Then you should do that.”

At the clean assertion, Haseong let out a long breath that was like a hollow laugh, without even realizing it.

He was right. It was not a problem to be thought of as difficult. Whether to lend money or not was entirely up to his own decision, and the moment his heart had turned cold from the tips of his toes as soon as he received his mother’s request, his mind was as good as made up.

It was a clear problem, except for the part where he was worried about what might happen to his mother if he did not lend her the money. That worry was the biggest obstacle in making a decision. To be more precise, he did not want to provide any grounds to blame himself, even a little, for the misfortune that might befall his mother.

Like, ‘my relationship with my new husband fell apart again because you didn’t lend me the money.’ She was not the type to say it so bluntly, but he and his mother were a mother-son pair who were very similar in their clumsiness at hiding their true feelings. On top of that, they were even similar in quickly noticing when someone was displeased with them.

In the end, it came full circle to self-loathing. He hated himself for harboring such selfish inner thoughts towards his only family. He hated that, so he pretended to be genuinely worried about his mother, agonizing over whether he should lend her the money even if it meant cutting ties, which he himself thought was hypocritical. In reality, far from wanting to help, he did not even want to get involved.

It was a wicked thought he could not bring himself to confess even in front of Yehan. He was sure he would be disappointed in him if he heard it. Because he always said he was a good person. As Haseong remained silent, the conversation broke off for a while. As they sat side by side, each staring off into the distance, Yehan spoke again.

“No one will say anything to you for doing that, Mr. Haseong.”

“……”

“Whatever happens to your mother, it’s not your fault, nor is it your responsibility, Mr. Haseong.”

He seemed to be continuing his previous statement of ‘Then you should do that.’ That it was okay to do as he pleased. However, the content and timing were so exquisite, as if he had read my inner thoughts and was giving advice. There was no way he was a psychic, but strangely, my chest fluttered.

“If you act decisively, Mr. Haseong, your relationship with your mother might become a bit strained, but if you were feeling sick and tired of it deep down, it might actually be a good thing.”

“I guess so….”

True, if he refused properly this time and ignored whatever happened, she would never make the same request again. Far from a request, even the contact that was already sparse would probably be cut off completely. At Haseong’s listless response, Yehan winked playfully.

“If you need someone to lean on, you have me.”

And with that one sentence, his chest went beyond fluttering and overturned like a ship caught in a typhoon. The heat from the grill had faded, and the night wind, which had grown colder as the hour grew later, suddenly felt hot. Haseong unzipped the jacket he was wearing, flapped the collar, and slowly turned to the side.

“It was the same with Mr. Woochan, but what’s the point of clinging to someone who makes you miserable. When you have me right next to you, who likes you so much, Mr. Haseong.”

“…Aren’t you saying you like me too casually?”

Even though he was sitting right next to him, for some reason Yehan’s face looked distant, so he blinked slowly. He felt like he was underwater. He often felt this sensation when he was on stage during his band days, but this time was somehow different. Instead of just sinking endlessly into a helpless abyss where he could not see an inch ahead, his heart pounded like he was playing to a very fast drum beat.

His breath catching, feeling the pressure to follow precisely and not make a mistake, becoming anxious, and his eye sockets throbbing with the heavy resonance that penetrated to the inside of his skull. Because his breath was caught in his throat as if he were drowning, the question he managed to utter was pathetic. He just hoped that this question, just like the things he always said to him, sounded like a joke.

Fortunately, Yehan did not seem to feel anything strange, and instead of looking at Haseong oddly, he smiled, his eyes crinkling prettily.

“Do you want me to play a little more hard to get?”

“No, that’s not it…. You’re so kind, hyung, that if anyone hears you say that, they’ll misunderstand like I did.”

“There’s a misunderstanding. The only person I’m not stingy with the word ‘like’ in front of is you, Mr. Haseong. Because I’m your fan, Mr. Haseong.”

In that moment, a realization that struck his mind like a revelation, Haseong could no longer afford to ignore it.

Let’s admit it. It’s past the stage where avoidance will solve anything. It’s not that I don’t know the name of this emotion, and it has long since surpassed a size that can be ignored by pretending not to know.

From the moment I started a relationship with him, attaching all sorts of nonsensical excuses, it was bound to be like this. If I had wanted to remain ignorant until the end, I should have refused back then, for whatever reason. Instead of just cutting off my own thoughts because I was scared to admit it, it would have been right to cut off the meeting with Yehan itself.

But I did not do that, and Yehan, from our first meeting when he said he had become my fan and cheered me on, until now, has been consistently kind, albeit sometimes mischievous…. Because there has never been anyone like Yehan in my life, and perhaps there never will be.

So, regardless of him being the same sex, and a famous and successful person who does not suit me at all, I had no choice but to fall for him. I know that the ‘like’ he talks about and this emotion I have now decided to admit are very different in nature, but that does not matter anymore either.

Finally admitting the emotion I had been forcefully ignoring felt liberating. It’s not like I’m the only one in the world suffering from a hopeless one-sided love, and as for my values, which had made me believe without a doubt that I was heterosexual, being denied, well, it’s not like I had liked many people of the opposite sex anyway, so what’s the big deal, I even thought.

Contrary to my expectation that the sky and the earth would be overturned the moment I admitted and accepted this emotion, the surroundings were peaceful. Yehan’s face, which until a moment ago had been a blurry shape as if he were standing in the alley below, was now clearly focused on my retina. He was leaning forward with his chin in his hands, as if admiring the scenery at his feet.

Haseong admired his side profile for a long time. Every other part of him was perfect too, but I liked those eyes the best. The way his eyes curve prettily when he smiles, and the slightly light-colored pupils within them, sparkle and catch one’s eye at a glance. I once fleetingly thought they were just like stars, and seeing them under the wide-open sky, they really were.

“…The stars today.”

“Hm?”

Yehan turned his head at the unconscious mumble. Even after admitting that I liked him, it was still awkward when our eyes met. No, maybe it was even more so because it was right after admitting it. Haseong awkwardly averted his gaze and cleared his throat.

“I think there are a lot of stars. The sky seems prettier than usual too.”

“It’s strange, there shouldn’t be many stars since it’s right before the full moon.”

“Wow, you really have a knack for ruining the mood.”

“You seem to have cheered up a lot, huh? Seeing as you’re teasing me.”

Just a moment ago, he had not been in the mood to laugh at all, but at his simple words, a giggling laugh escaped. Seeing the guy who had been wearing a long face all this time suddenly relax and smile, even making an uncharacteristic joke, seemed to amuse Yehan as well.

Yehan, who had lightly pinched and released his ear, corrected his posture, wrapping an arm around Haseong’s waist. He straightened his neck, which had been bent from looking down all this time, and pulling Haseong into an embrace, he rested his chin on Haseong’s shoulder and said.

“Let’s see. Now that you say so, Mr. Haseong, it does seem like there are a lot…. Maybe because there are no clouds, it’s definitely pretty.”

“Yes, really. Really….”

His voice, right by my ear, was so ticklish I could not bear it. Being held like this, it was hotter than during a midsummer tropical night. But Yehan’s arm wrapped around his waist was holding his jacket tightly, so he could not take it off. Instead, Haseong zipped up the zipper he had pulled down all the way to his neck, buried his lips in the fabric, and mumbled.

“It’s really pretty….”