HMLU Ch 10
by soapaBlanketed and shivering, I opened my eyes, unable to withstand the cold, only to find the sun high in the sky. As soon as I came to, I fumbled on the desk, grabbing the air conditioner remote. In my cramped studio apartment, I usually set it to run for an hour or two before shutting off or keep it on low while sleeping, but for some reason, it was blasting at full power.
Holding my throbbing head, I vaguely recalled pressing the remote haphazardly and collapsing onto the bed. It wasn’t just the alcohol. The moment I got home, I doused myself in scalding hot water, as if frying my skin. The water pouring from the showerhead has a strange ability to revive all sorts of thoughts. The words exchanged and the warmth of the hand I held in the unusually chilly late summer breeze couldn’t be shaken off easily. By the time I barely finished showering and stepped out, my entire body’s skin was flushed red.
The aftermath of the rapid temperature shift over the night naturally hit my throat first. It started stinging, and a slight cough began. Since I had no fever, it seemed like it would pass, but I popped some throat medicine just in case. Living alone, if I don’t take care of my health promptly, I’m the only one who suffers.
When I was in elementary school, I had a severe feverish cold. Though it was a childhood memory, the pain that felt like my body was shattering with every cough remains vivid. I endured two days at home with medicine before being rushed to the emergency room at dawn on the third day. According to my mom, I was awake but unresponsive, and the moment she touched me, my limbs went limp, scaring her into calling 119.
My time in the hospital is blurry, but I remember my father coming to visit every day, bringing toys. It was one of the few peaceful periods in our household. My parents mostly fought over issues related to me.
“…”
That severe illness was probably around January. The hospital room’s TV constantly blared celebrities shouting New Year’s greetings, so I’m sure of it. My mom often worried that my body had grown cold from being so sick in winter. She said that’s when I started getting upset stomachs easily.
Despite that, I don’t hate winter. After all, almost all my happy memories are from that season.
Lost in old memories, my phone’s vibration snapped me back. The screen showed “Black Bear.” Should I pretend to be asleep? After hesitating, I found even that too bothersome and brought it to my ear.
“Hey.”
—Why does your voice sound like that?
His alarmed tone, reacting to a single syllable, startled me more. Sniffling my stuffy nose, I cleared my throat with effort.
“Just woke up, that’s all.”
—You didn’t catch a cold, did you?
“No way, a cold…”
—I was calling because I thought you might be sick.
Only then did I check the time: two in the afternoon. …Well, no wonder he was worried. He’d dropped me off at my door just before midnight.
Reluctantly dragged along by his stubbornness, the hand gripping my arm during our walk had slipped down to my palm. Pretending not to notice as his wrist brushed mine, he soon opened his fingers to interlace them with mine. I was conscious of being seen, yet wondered what the big deal was if someone did. Walking like that for about twenty minutes, hand in hand, everything started to feel absurd.
Man… what am I doing, dragging around a clueless kid like this?
“Wanna come in?”
It felt awkward not to offer, so I asked casually when we reached my door. I could feel his hand, still clasped in mine, stiffen. His face looked calm as he looked down, but his heartbeat seemed loud enough to hear.
“No, you should rest.”
…I really don’t get it. What’s all this about?
—You sure you don’t need to see a doctor?
“I took medicine. I’m fine.”
—Sounds like a cold to me.
“I said it’s not… I need to shower, hanging up.”
I ended the call without waiting for a reply. At this point, I had to admit it. I’m extremely uncomfortable with this whole situation.
As I set the phone down, I noticed hundreds of unread messages. Most were from the cohort group chat I’d muted. As expected, it started with complaints about me leaving early, then exploded into speculation about who the stunning guy was.
[Haemin, I’ve got some shame, so I won’t ask for an introduction.]
[Just let me see him from afar one more time.]
Playful messages were followed by a string of agreeing emojis. Geez… these guys sure know how to have fun with the tiniest bait. I was about to ignore and close the chat when I paused. A separate message from Sujung felt ominous.
Sujung: Shim Haemin, you sneaky little…
Sujung: You said he was a gaming friend.
Sujung: These days, do gaming friends get drunk, come pick you up, and run off holding hands?
Sujung: What era’s gaming friend etiquette is this? These kids have no discipline.
…She must’ve been pretty drunk last night too. Thankfully, after sleeping it off, her morning messages were back to normal.
Sujung: Haemin, did you get home okay? lol
Sujung: Your big sis has a lot of questions for our Haemin.
I ignored it and washed my face. Scrubbing with lukewarm water, I looked up to see my cheeks flushed. Do I have a fever? I pressed the back of my hand to my neck but couldn’t tell.
Roughly wiping off the water, my phone rang again. Why am I so popular today? It might be the lab, so I couldn’t ignore it. Getting closer, I saw it was from my mom.
“Hey, Mom.”
—Hey, son. Have you eaten?
It was well past the time I should’ve eaten, so I nodded first.
“Yup. You?”
—I ate too. It’s not about that—your father wants to have dinner the day after tomorrow.
“The day after?”
—Yeah. The district leader came last week to pray for your father’s recovery. So we’re hosting a dinner at home, and he wants you to come.
“Oh…”
A sigh slipped out before I could stop it. I glanced at the desk calendar, but it was a free day.
—Are you busy?
My delayed response prompted a cautious question from my mom. Maybe she secretly hopes I won’t come? Scratching my cheek, I mumbled.
“I… don’t have anything planned, but lately, my professor’s been calling me in suddenly a lot. I’m not sure how it’ll go.”
—Don’t push yourself if you’re busy. I’ll explain to your father.
“Okay. If I can’t make it, I’ll call by Tuesday morning.”
—Alright.
The conversation paused. We’d both missed the cue to end the call. As I hesitated, my mom spoke first again.
—You were upset about last time, weren’t you?
“No, what… It’s fine.”
My reflexive reply was genuine—I really was okay. I’d long grown used to my father’s unpredictable outbursts. Even on a day when I rushed over, excited by his rare request to see me.
—He was unwell then… He was just sensitive.
“I know. I get it.”
That day, he frowned at the bandage wrapped around my finger. When he asked what it was, I said I got a paper cut, and he launched into a lecture about how living carelessly leads to such injuries, digging up grievances from decades past.
“It’s all because I’m worried about you.”
That’s always his conclusion.
“I’m not upset. That’s just how he is.”
—Still…
“I’ll come the day after tomorrow. Don’t worry.”
Sujung once gave me advice.
“Dude, when you’re getting chewed out for no reason, aegyo’s the best. Whenever my dad brings up job hunting, I immediately massage his shoulders, saying if he trusts me, I’ll repay him with filial piety. Works pretty well.”
Back then, I laughed it off, saying it gave me goosebumps just thinking about it, but I hadn’t entirely dismissed the idea. Naturally, in my imagination, it always backfired. Acting cute and massaging his shoulders? I’d be lucky if he didn’t slap me for mocking him.
“Okay, bye. Hanging up.”
I’ve learned to just live with it.
—Hyungnim, when are we making the guild?
As soon as I opened Discord to log into the game, Popuri asked, as if waiting. Oh, the guild. I’d completely forgotten. Recalling the conversation at Chanhee’s house, I let out a deep sigh.
“About that… Let’s just keep playing like now. No need to make a guild.”
—Huh? Why? What about Popuri, who became a lone wanderer of the martial world, trusting only you?
“I told you I’ve got a friend I game with.”
—Yup. Does he not like me? If we meet once, his prejudices will—
“He’s a Shadow Warrior.”
—…
I’d never seen Popuri at a loss for words. After a long silence, an awkward laugh burst out.
—Haha… Now that I think about it, you did say you wanted to party with a Shadow Warrior once.
“Did I?”
—You did, you did. So you deliberately got your friend to play one?
“No, not like that… We met by chance in the beginner zone and got close.”
—What kind of dogshit luck is that…
“Anyway, I don’t think anyone would join if we made a guild. Or how about you be the guild master and let us in? That’d be better for recruiting.”
I thought it was a bold proposal, expecting Popuri to jump at it. But he only let out a thoughtful hum.
—No way. Then you and your friend absolutely have to be guild master and deputy.
“Huh? Why? You don’t want the title?”
—If I make a guild and drag a Shadow Warrior around in parties, everyone will see me as a bus driver. Guild members will totally disrespect you and your friend.
“Really? Title or not, anyone can see you’re the bus driver…”
—Still, visible hierarchy matters. It’s fine for a casual guild, but for raiding, getting looked down on by teammates isn’t great.
…True, it was like that with <legend>. Even though I handled gimmick analysis, strategy planning, and leading, I could never escape the stigma of “just a Druid.”</legend>
—I’ll treat your friend like he’s you and make sure no one messes with him.
This guy’s grown up so much while I wasn’t looking… I nearly shed tears of pride. Rubbing my tingling nose, a sudden sense of unease hit me. I lowered my voice, as if someone might overhear.
“I’m warning you now, he’s a total newbie. This is his first time gaming, and he didn’t even know what a skill window was until I taught him.”
—You still got close?
“Anyway, so… even if his gaming sucks by your standards, watch your mouth, okay? Please. I’m teaching him hard, so don’t add anything.”
—Of course, got it. No worries.
Even after repeated warnings, I wasn’t at ease. This is a guy who judges people solely by gaming skill, not looks, education, or character. Still, he confidently assured me there’d be no issues, and I had no more moves. I closed the chat with Popuri and logged into Appho.
Chanhee, already online, quietly accepted the guild invite and deputy master appointment. He’d seemed reluctant when I first brought it up, but it looked like he wasn’t going to resist to the end.
《Popuri has joined the guild. Please offer a warm welcome.》
[Guild] Kkamamgom: Hello.
He even greeted Popuri first. What a good, sweet kid… My heart swelled with pride.
[Guild] Popuri: lol hi
[Guild] Popuri: I’m Popuri, world’s #1 assassin ^^
[Guild] Popuri: Use me as your slave lolol
[Guild] Popuri: Five guild members are set to join. They said they’ll come tomorrow after sorting some stuff.
[Guild] Kkamamgom: Okay.
Meanwhile, I was distracted, clicking through the newly added guild management window. It was my first time as a guild master, so there were many new functions to learn. Of course, I didn’t forget to solve any confusion with a quick search.
[Guild] Meritocracy: Do we need to make a separate guild room?
[Guild] Popuri: Yup, that’s the one.
[Guild] Popuri: You contract it under the guild name in Tonen City and pay monthly rent.
A guild room is a small house you can warp to for free from anywhere in the game. It’s useful for guild meetings or trading items among members. You can also decorate it cutely, and JangDdo used to change the interior like a monthly event.
Come to think of it, that guy had a knack for that. Last December, he cleverly stacked red and green objects to create a huge Christmas decoration…
[Guild] Popuri: Btw, can you go to Tonen City now?
[Guild] Popuri: How far are you on the main quest?
[Guild] Meritocracy: Ah… I need to clear one more dungeon to get there.
[Guild] Meritocracy: Good timing, Bear needs to clear it too.
[Guild] Meritocracy: Start the engine, leveling shuttle.
[Guild] Popuri: Shuttle shuttle ^^)>
To reach Tonen City, the first major city, you need to ride a hot air balloon. The final hurdle is a dungeon with a storyline about repairing a broken balloon. While forming a party and moving to the dungeon entrance, Chanhee was unusually quiet.
Is he not into this? Feeling concerned, I started a voice chat, and a drowsy voice came through.
—Yes, hyung.
“Hey… Your voice sounds off too.”
—I’m getting sleepy. Didn’t sleep much last night.
“Couldn’t sleep? Why?”
—Because I was excited about holding hands with you.
“…”
Should I hang up? I decided to laugh it off. Heh heh heh. My dry laugh prompted a soft chuckle from him.
—Your hands were so cold… I was worried you’d catch a cold.
“Hm… People with warm hearts usually have cold hands.”
—Really? That sounds right.
This won’t do. Joking with someone who doesn’t get it just makes me awkward. I shut up and opened the dungeon. On the monitor, Black Bear diligently used the aggro combo I taught, pulling mobs together, while I eagerly buffed Popuri, who was gleefully tossing daggers, and followed along.
Man… What was all that fuss about finding a DoT bug? Watching mobs melt helplessly at the touch of Popuri’s dagger tip was both absurd and satisfying. Ha, games are best when they’re easy. Suddenly, I wanted to pat Popuri’s hooded head.
[Guild] Popuri: Yo, hyungnim
As if reading my mind, a chat popped up out of nowhere. It’s always a marvel. How does this guy manage to chat while pulling off that insanely busy assassin DPS?
[Guild] Popuri: Bear’s pretty good??
To think he’s tossing out such mature compliments—this is the Popuri I know? Before I could bask in the fleeting poignancy of time, the next message shot up.
[Guild] Popuri: You scared me so much I thought he’d be total trash lololol
[Guild] Popuri: For a newbie, he’s doing alright tho
…That game-obsessed jerk, of course. I couldn’t help muttering “this guy,” and a scoff came through the headset.
[Whisper] Meritocracy: Hey
[Whisper] Meritocracy: You punk
[Whisper] Meritocracy: Watch your mouth
[Whisper] Popuri: My bad ^ㅡ^;
—You told him not to be scared because I’m bad at games?
His calm question made me break into a cold sweat. One’s pressuring me through chat, the other through the headset—I was losing it. I threw a physical damage buff on Black Bear and let out a nasal laugh.
“No, that’s not what I meant. That guy’s got a bit of a… rough mouth, so I was warning him to be careful if we’re guilding together… Just a warning…”
—Hmm…
“I… I judge people by character. I’ll pick guild members based on character too. So…”
—I see.
“…Yeah.”
No matter how I tried to dodge, I couldn’t erase the impression of clumsy gossip being caught. I wanted to cry. Pressing my aching brow, a leisurely voice flowed in.
—I’m nice.
“…Huh? Oh, yeah…”
His giggle tickled as I responded awkwardly. At least he didn’t seem mad, which was a relief. Breathing a sigh of relief, I quickly typed.
[Whisper] Meritocracy: Be careful, seriously ^^
[Whisper] Popuri: ㅠ.ㅠ
Meanwhile, the trash mobs were cleared, and we were already at the boss room. The final boss is a hedgehog monster that shoots spines to pop the balloon whenever you try to launch it. Its defense is so high that killing it is impossible, so you have to distract it with mealworms dug from the ground. To buy ten seconds to launch the balloon, you need at least twenty mealworms.
[Guild] Popuri: I’ll gather the worms.
[Guild] Popuri: Bear, just hold aggro.
[Guild] Popuri: Guild master, take a break ^^)>
Popuri, declaring dutifully, threw shurikens and did a flip, entering a combat stance to boost movement speed. I cast Haste (*movement speed buff) on Popuri and a defense buff on Black Bear.
“If you miss the defense on the hedgehog’s tank buster (*strong attack aimed at the tank), half your HP’s gone. When it bristles its spines and stands on two legs, pop your survival skill.”
—Got it.
“Even if you miss, you won’t die, so don’t panic.”
—I know. You’ll save me, right?
It was just game talk, but his serious tone made it sound oddly meaningful. It’s all because of that damn captivating voice. I aimlessly scrolled the skill window. I’d raised Nature Tier to 3 and Dark Tier to 2 during overnight grinding, but there was still no sign of a side quest triggering.
Do both need to hit Tier 10? While the DPS slave diligently dug worms and the tank slave held off the hedgehog, I opened the tier window, clicking around, when a sudden “oh” came through.
Turning to the combat screen, the same sound escaped my mouth. The hedgehog, now towering to the ceiling, was puffing up its spines.
[Guild] Popuri: ???? What’s the wipe mechanic???
The trickiest part of the hedgehog fight is that you can’t think about killing it—you have to dodge and run. If you recklessly deal heavy damage and its HP drops below half, it unleashes a wipe mechanic, shooting spines that destroy the balloon and kill the entire party.
That’s why the only way to clear it is for the tank to hold it with minimal aggro combos while the other party members dig up as many mealworms as possible and scatter them across the field. Sometimes the mealworm gathering takes too long, triggering the wipe mechanic, but we had just entered. Just to be sure, I checked the screen and saw the hedgehog’s HP was down to about a quarter.
[Guild] Popuri: Hyungnim, did you deal damage?
[Guild] Meritocracy: Nope
[Guild] Meritocracy: What’s going on?
—What’s wrong?
“No, uh… Did you maybe use an attack combo?”
I tilted my head as I asked. With his level and gear, even if he tried dealing damage, there’s no way he could output this much in such a short time. Sure enough, a puzzled reply came back.
—No, I just did what you told me…
“Hmm…”
—Did I mess up?
“No, no. It’s not that you messed up…”
There wasn’t time to dwell on it. The wipe mechanic’s casting was already over halfway done. At that moment, Popuri swiftly drew his dagger and rushed at the hedgehog.
[Guild] Popuri: What the heck is this
[Guild] Popuri: A bug??
The problem was that no matter how hard he swung, the hedgehog’s remaining HP barely budged. That’s to be expected. This dungeon is designed for a five-person party, and even if five Popuris entered, they couldn’t shave off half its HP before the wipe mechanic finished. Normally, you’d give up and restart when the wipe mechanic triggers, but…
“Hit it!”
The words burst out before I could stop them. On the screen, Black Bear, bewildered, gripped his sword again.
—Hit it?
“Not aggro combo—attack combo, quick!”
At the same time, I summoned my pet. I was buffing and calculating ultimate angles for each party member when—
[Guild] Popuri: Huh?
The screen shifted, and a cutscene played of the hedgehog flopping over. A brief silence fell over the chat.
[Guild] Popuri: We killed it??
[Guild] Popuri: You can kill the hedgehog??
It was a natural reaction. It happened the moment Black Bear swung his greatsword once. As I stood there, dumbfounded, a cheerful ding sounded, and a title acquisition animation popped up.
《Title Hedgehog Slayer Acquired!》
[Guild] Popuri: What?
[Guild] Popuri: WHAAAT???
[Guild] Popuri: There was a title I hadn’t gotten?
[Guild] Popuri: Me, Appho’s top DPS and world’s #1 assassin??
[Guild] Meritocracy: Shut up
[Guild] Meritocracy: Pull the logs
[Guild] Popuri: Yessir ^^)>
Of course, Black… no, Chanhee was just as clueless about what happened. In the awkward silence, Popuri soon returned with a string of question marks.
[Guild] Popuri: Looks like a bug?
[Guild] Popuri: Bear’s damage is insane..?
A simplified log came through the messenger shortly after. It was exactly as it seemed. The hedgehog had been sent to hedgehog heaven by the raw damage of Black Bear’s basic attack. Rubbing my chin as I scrolled through the log, I couldn’t help tilting my head. Amidst consistent 10,000–20,000 damage per basic hit, there were rare dips into the hundreds.
What’s this? After some thought, I pulled Popuri’s log and lined them up. Sorting by seconds, I noticed Popuri’s damage also dipped slightly at the same moments.
“…”
I’d been applying physical damage buffs to both of them nonstop since entering the dungeon. I’d set a timer to keep the buffs continuous, but since it’s done manually, there are occasional 1–2 second gaps. In other words, those were moments when the buff briefly dropped.
So… the buff I cast on Black Bear amplified his damage by twenty times.
“Why…?”
It’s not an attribute issue like the old DoT bug. It’s just a simple physical damage buff. If this caused a damage inflation bug, why hadn’t it happened before? As I racked my brain, a worried voice came through.
—Hyung?
He still sounded anxious, wondering if he’d done something wrong. I quickly shook off my thoughts and forced a bright tone.
“It’s no big deal. We’ve had bugs like this before, right?”
—Yeah, but…
“Let’s get out. We just need to launch the balloon now.”
Brushing it off, I ran toward the balloon. But the balloon I confidently clicked on deflated pathetically. On closer inspection, a massive spine was lodged in the middle of the air sac.
[Guild] Meritocracy: Oh, come on
[Guild] Meritocracy: So you can’t ride it if you kill the hedgehog
[Guild] Popuri: Guess so
[Guild] Popuri: No one’s ever killed it, so nobody knew lol
[Guild] Popuri: But I’m satisfied with my title collection ^^
Popuri had already swapped to the Hedgehog Slayer title. He’d probably loiter in the main city after this dungeon, basking in questions about the title forever. With a bitter heart, I typed.
[Guild] Meritocracy: Fine, we need to retry
[Guild] Popuri: Got it, going
[Guild] Popuri: Btw, if Bear’s got a damage bug
[Guild] Popuri: Wouldn’t it be better if you pulled aggro?
I almost said yeah but stopped. For some reason, if my physical buff caused this damage spike…
[Guild] Meritocracy: No.. You go
[Guild] Meritocracy: We’ll run it as a duo
[Guild] Popuri: ?? Why?
[Guild] Meritocracy: Just go
[Guild] Popuri: ㅠㅠ
[Guild] Popuri: Did I do something wrong?? ㅠ
[Guild] Meritocracy: Go recruit guild members
[Guild] Meritocracy: We can handle it as two
[Guild] Popuri: ㅠHingㅠ So ostracized
Despite his words, I could see him angling to leave. He must be itching to brag about the title, so it was only natural. I forcibly kicked the whining guy out and let out a heavy sigh. Chanhee, quiet until then, spoke only after Popuri’s polygon fully vanished.
—Do we just re-enter the boss room?
“No, the clear condition itself is busted, so we have to restart from scratch. Let’s exit and come back.”
There’s probably a trigger condition for this bug. To figure it out, we’d need to run it as a duo and investigate slowly. Exiting the dungeon and reforming the party, my phone on the desk suddenly buzzed loudly. Thinking it might be the lab, I picked it up reluctantly, only to freeze. It was my father.
“Sorry, one sec.”
I disconnected Discord and brought the phone to my ear. Times like this make me leap from the desk instinctively. Pacing the small room, I forced a bright voice.
“Yes, Father.”
—Hey, Haemin. Wanna come over for dinner tonight?
“What?”
I glanced at the wall clock; it was just past three. Taking public transport to my parents’ place would take at least two hours. Meaning I’d need to leave right now.
“Tonight? Mom said to come the day after tomorrow.”
—The district leader said he’s got prayers elsewhere that day, so he suggested we eat today. He’s curious about how you’re doing.
“Oh…”
—Your mom said we could call you another time, but parents don’t feel that way. We want to feed our son living far away a warm meal.
“Yeah… Right.”
There was no time to hesitate. If I didn’t answer quickly either way, who knows what he’d nitpick.
“Okay. It’ll take about two and a half hours—will that work?”
—Take your time. Just be here by six.
“Yes, Father.”
As soon as I hung up, I let out a long sigh. Searching for the Gyeonggi bus schedule, I opened my closet but glanced back at the desk. Black Bear stood abandoned on the monitor, limbs swaying.
“…Ah.”
I quickly grabbed my phone again and called his number.
—Yes, hyung.
His calm, river-like voice somehow steadied my heart.
“Sorry, I’ve gotta go to my parents’ place.”
—Your parents’?
“I’ll be late after dinner, so we’ll have to stop for today. Sorry for the sudden notice.”
Dropping out mid-game is peak bad manners. It’s not the first time, but it always leaves me uneasy. Thankfully, he didn’t seem too bothered and asked again.
—It’s a dinner plan, and you’re leaving already?
“It takes a while to get there. The bus route’s a long detour.”
I was rushing to shut down the launcher and computer, my mind already mapping the fastest route. He said by six, but I’d probably need to arrive early to help out.
—Are you just eating dinner there?
I wished he’d hang up already, but Chanhee still had plenty of questions. Yeah, just dinner. I answered absently, heading to the mirror.
—Want me to drive you?
I swear I didn’t mean to, but my mouth opened reflexively.
“Why would you?”
A faint silence followed, and I smacked my forehead. I didn’t mean to snap like that. Clearing my throat, I tried to continue.
“I mean… My parents’ place is far. It’s in Gyeonggi, but completely the opposite direction, and it’s a trek from the station…”
—I know. You said Seongnam, right?
“…”
—Still, I’d like to drive you. Is that okay?
He could’ve been offended or hurt, but his tone remained calm. Is he just unflappable? He doesn’t seem to get emotionally rattled easily. It was cool and a bit enviable.
“…Thanks, but I’m really fine. I might even stay over.”
I didn’t mean it, but I wished I’d said this sooner. Reacting sharply to a younger guy out of nerves felt embarrassing. Chanhee finally made an acknowledging sound.
—Then should I pick you up tomorrow?
“…”
Of course, he didn’t catch my meaning. I stopped getting ready and sat on the bed. Haa… I sighed without trying to hide it, rubbing my brow.
“Chanhee.”
—Yes.
“I know this isn’t a phone conversation, but… I can’t give you whatever it is you want.”
—…
“So don’t try so hard with me.”
No reply came. Hanging up without a goodbye, my chest felt tight. It was a talk I should’ve had last night.
“Gotta find that first love of his or whatever soon.”
Hmph, I snorted and set the phone down. My stomach churned from the tangled emotions.
Taking a village bus to the station, then the subway, switching to a Gyeonggi bus, then a city bus and another village bus… Feeling overwhelmed, I decided to take a taxi for the last two buses. Even so, it was a long and grueling journey.
My parents’ place was an old apartment standing alone on high ground. I’d lived there since starting elementary school, but it never quite felt like home. Maybe because I’ve now spent more time living elsewhere, but that’s probably natural.
As if my reluctance reached the heavens, the moment I stepped onto the main road, I saw the village bus pulling away. Thinking another would come soon, I waited, but for some reason, no bus appeared even after ten minutes. Traffic would start piling up soon. Growing anxious as time slipped by, I considered running to the subway station. Just as I turned to go—
“…”
A sleek sedan glided in front of me. I felt a bit annoyed at myself for recognizing it instantly. Having rarely seen such nice cars in my life, it must’ve stuck in my brain.
Guess this works since we live close. Scratching the back of my head, I trudged toward the passenger side. Hands in both pockets, I tilted my head, and a click sounded as the lock released. Instead of grabbing the handle, I stared into the darkly tinted window until it slowly rolled down.
“Cars are coming behind.”
His beaming smile held no trace of shadow. Scratching my head and looking back, a stream of cars was indeed approaching. …Whatever. I climbed into the passenger seat and brazenly said,
“Then just drop me at the station.”
“I’ll take you to a station where you don’t need to transfer.”
“Fine, fine. Do whatever…”
I’d done my part. Leaning back defiantly, I closed my eyes, signaling I wasn’t up for friendly small talk. But such cheap tactics wouldn’t work on this guy.
“Tired?”
“…Yeah.”
“Then just give me the address and sleep.”
He made me open my eyes. Staring at him, I got a gentle smile in return. Wetting my dry lips, I cleared my throat. It seemed I needed to be clearer to get through.
“Chanhee, I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong idea, but…”
“Wrong idea?”
“I’m really… not your first love or whatever. Obviously, I’m not trying to start anything with you.”
“I was actually going to ask about that.”
The light turned red. Stopping the car, he tilted his head toward the steering wheel, eyes on me. His already handsome face formed a lovely 45-degree angle.
“Is it because I’m not your first love that you don’t want to try anything? Or is it unrelated to that?”
“…”
“If it’s the latter, I’ll stop.”
I was at a loss for words. He smiled smoothly, as if he’d expected this.
“Whether it’s the former or latter, let me go with you today. I’ve got nothing to do without you anyway.”
“What are you gonna do in Seongnam… It’s only technically Seongnam—there’s nothing around the house.”
“Perfect. There’ll be a place to park.”
“…”
“I brought a book to read while waiting.”
His large hand triumphantly tapped the center console. Sure enough, a plain book was tucked there. At this point, I lost the will to argue. Nodding vaguely, I asked,
“What book?”
“The Etiquette of Death.”
What an ominous title… Ignoring it, I reached for what I assumed was the navigation screen. He picked up his phone from the console and handed it to me.
“Use the phone. Password’s 1225.”
I entered the password as told, and the car’s system-linked app appeared. As I ran the navigation and input the address, the four digits—1225—lingered in my mind. I’d expected 0612. Guys like him usually use their childhood first love’s birthday as a password.
“…”
Now that I think about it, 1225 feels oddly familiar… After mulling it over, it hit me.
“Is your birthday Christmas?”
He froze, though the car kept moving smoothly. I could feel him stiffen.
“Yes.”
His belated reply sounded hesitant. Maybe it was my imagination, but he seemed expectant. I found myself calculating the date. Winter feels far, but it’s only a few months away.
“What are you doing for your birthday this year?”
“…What?”
“You said you don’t have any friends in Korea. Spending it with family?”
Now that I think about it, he did say something like that. —They bought a cake on Christmas. Said it’s proof I’m their first love.
“Well… I don’t know. My parents will probably both be busy.”
“On Christmas?”
“My dad’s in business, so he’s barely home at year-end. This year, since my mom’s back in Korea, she’ll probably be even busier.”
“Hmm…”
“So I’ll probably… spend it alone at home, feeling lonely.”
His sly smile as he glanced over didn’t look lonely at all. I regretted asking. Still, I had to clean up my mess.
“Just game with me then. Going out on Christmas is just crowded and tiring.”
“Just gaming? No cake for your birthday?”
“…”
“My house will be empty that day. No crowds, nice and easy—”
“Alright, alright. I’ll bring a cake, okay?”
Raising both hands in surrender, he laughed out loud. His softly narrowed eyes sparkled gently.
Part of me worried, but also, what’s the big deal? A couple of months is plenty of time for him to realize I’m not his first love or whatever. By then, he’ll probably be chasing his real first love with all his passion, as if this ever happened.
“Since when did you start buying cake every Christmas, hyung?”
His calm question made me pause, wondering when it began. I set the phone back down and carefully traced back through my memories.
“Hmm… But doesn’t everyone eat cake on Christmas?”
“Still, there must’ve been some trigger.”
“A trigger…? I don’t know… Oh, maybe when I was going to church?”
After my mother’s remarriage, both she and I had to attend church every weekend. It was because my father was a devout believer. Most of the reasons he’s been displeased with me lately also stem from church issues. He often preached that I should willingly travel four hours round-trip every Sunday to attend mass at his church.
“The church always made a big deal out of Easter, Christmas, and stuff like that…”
I don’t have bad memories of the church itself. The problem was that it was my father’s domain, and every adult there knew about our family situation.
“You should always be grateful to your father and treat him well. Men like him are rare.”
That’s what the parish council members would solemnly tell me every time they saw my face, as if it were their sacred duty. Because of that, whenever the mass bell rang, when I clasped my hands to offer a donation, or when I ate the tasteless thin wafer, I thought of my father instead of Jesus.
A father who devoted himself to the church, who couldn’t cut back on offerings even when reducing living expenses, who married a woman with a child and raised someone else’s son, an exemplary father admired by all believers…
When did all of that start to feel suffocating?
Lost in thought, I snapped back to reality belatedly. Chanhee was silently staring ahead.
“…Uh, anyway, it was probably from when I started going to church.”
I must be sleepy, given how my mind’s wandering. Rubbing my brow and trailing off, he asked matter-of-factly,
“The seat adjustment button is on the right side of the seat. Sleep on the way.”
“No, I’m fine…”
“I’ll wake you when we get there.”
Then he covered my knee with his right hand and gave it a light pat. He pulled back before I could react, but my heart had already dropped.
…He’s always subtly physical—Is this really okay? To calm my startled heart, I closed my eyes again. Sinking into the soft, cozy seat, I pushed away the dizzying thoughts. There was already plenty to think about.
It must be the cake talk. In a fleeting dream, I was a child, clutching a shabby cake box, running somewhere. No matter how much I ran, the destination didn’t appear, and my heart grew anxious. I had to deliver it before it was too late. Someone was waiting.
I promised, a promise…
…With who?
“Hyung.”
A sweet call and a warm hand touched my cheek. I flinched, my shoulders jerking, and met wide, round eyes. Blinking heavily to shake off sleep, I saw a familiar scene outside the window. It was the entrance to my parents’ apartment complex.
“Sorry. Did I startle you?”
“…No.”
“We’re here. I wanted to let you sleep more, but there didn’t seem to be much time.”
Checking my watch at his words, it was just past 5 p.m. We’d arrived much faster than expected. I rubbed my groggy face and forced the corners of my mouth up.
“Ah, thanks. I slept so well… They say sleeping in the passenger seat is bad manners.”
“I told you to sleep.”
“You said you were tired too. That you barely slept last night.”
“That was a lie. I slept fine and I’m not tired. I just didn’t feel like gaming with someone else, so my voice sounded off.”
His words came so smoothly that the absurd content only sank in later. He’s so shameless it’s almost laughable. How does he say such nonsense without being annoying? Is it his natural charm? I ended up chuckling and brushing my forehead.
“Then I guess you lying about being excited over holding hands was a lie too.”
“I was insanely excited, but I still slept well.”
“If you weren’t so good with words…”
I unbuckled my seatbelt and roughly fixed my hair. Coming here so comfortably seemed to lighten my mood too.
“I’m just eating dinner and leaving, but it’ll take at least three or four hours. It’s a drinking thing with adults.”
“Okay, have a good time.”
“Don’t wait—just head back. You’re not a chauffeur.”
“I get too lonely to go back to Seoul alone.”
His eyes, looking up quietly, were full of playful whining, as if it wasn’t a lie. This guy… I shook my head and opened the car door.
“If something comes up or you can’t wait, just go without calling. Got it?”
“Yes.”
“Good boy, alright.”
I half-coaxed him and got out. I saw him waving gently but pretended not to notice. Turning, I looked up at the old apartment, exuding a grim, almost demonic aura like a castle from a legend.
“…”
My mother’s suggestion to enter a boarding school starting middle school was ostensibly because my good grades warranted a better school. But in truth, she was probably exhausted. Whenever my father and I were in the same space, shouting was inevitable—and since we couldn’t remove him from his own house, they sent me away instead.
I never resented her. I think it was the right call. Children who don’t get along with their fathers are all too common. Not all of them get to separate as peacefully as I did, so I could consider myself lucky.
It was still a time of long daylight, and the sky above was as bright as noon. Cold sweat trickled as I trudged up. After wiping my chin several times, I reached my destination. The ground-floor automatic door, bearing at least twenty years of age, creaked ominously as it opened.
I didn’t hesitate long in front of the apartment door after riding the elevator up. Better to get it over with early. Pressing the doorbell, the door swung open soon after, revealing my mother’s surprised face.
“How’d you get here?”
“…What?”
“Did your father call you?”
I nodded instinctively, and she let out a deep sigh. …He probably called me without consulting her first.
“Your father, honestly… Calling a kid in Seoul so suddenly like this.”
“It’s fine. I was resting.”
“You must’ve had a hard time coming. Come in.”
As I stepped inside, I saw the entryway packed with shoes. The dinner was supposed to start at 6, but the guests were already here. I kicked off my sneakers and stepped in, immediately hearing a boisterous, tipsy voice.
“Well, if it isn’t Haemin! It’s Haemin!”
I bowed toward the sound and saw a man at the head of the table waving. It was the district leader, the guest of honor.
“Hello.”
“Well, I finally see Haemin’s face. Been busy with studies, huh?”
“Haemin, what’re you doing? Come pour a drink.”
At my father’s dignified command, I approached the table and crouched. As I carefully poured soju, pleased praise followed.
“He’s so handsome. Haemin gets better-looking every time I see him.”
“Really. He could be an actor.”
“He takes after Chairman Shim. Like father, like son… It’s all about the love and care parents give.”
“Haha…”
I smiled soullessly at the usual empty flattery when my father suddenly slammed his glass down.
“What’s that supposed to mean? I’ve never once thought Haemin isn’t my own son.”
His solemn declaration silenced the adults who’d been chiming in. In the suddenly somber atmosphere, I saw the district leader’s eyes quietly redden.
“You’re right, that was a slip. Apologize, quick.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, Chairman.”
“Don’t do it again. Our Haemin… has been my son from the moment we met. Right?”
He seemed a bit drunk already. I maintained a faint smile as someone patted my shoulder and asked,
“Haemin, you’re becoming a professor, right?”
“…Me?”
“Your father brags about you so much. Top of your class at that prestigious university, professors won’t let you go. He said you wanted to work early, but a professor held you back, so you had to go to grad school… And your thesis passed in record time, right?”
I missed top marks a few times, and I went to grad school because I couldn’t find a job, but no need to throw cold water here… I gave a vague smile, and encouraging gestures came back, as if they understood. After entertaining them briefly, I slipped toward the kitchen. As expected, my mother was single-handedly preparing food for this boozy gathering.
“Should I coat these in egg?”
Washing my hands at the sink, I asked, and she finally turned. Sweat beaded on her round forehead from her busy movements.
“Would you? The batter’s over there.”
“Why’d you make so much? Just use what we have.”
“Don’t say that. The parish council helped so much when your father was hospitalized.”
That’s true. Religious social groups tend to rally around every event, pitching in together. I dipped neatly cut fish pieces into egg wash when a meat pancake slid in front of me.
“Are you eating properly? You look thinner every time.”
“It’s just baby fat coming off as I age. This is tasty.”
“Oh, talking about age…”
Her scolding but upturned lips finally eased my heart. I’d been thrown off by the drinking scene, but this might be better. Munching on pancakes and snacks she handed me, I helped with food prep, planning to slip out when the mood was right.
“Haemin, come here!”
Of course, they wouldn’t let it be that easy.
At my mother’s glance, I washed my hands and headed to the living room. My father was holding a white shopping bag with a haughty expression. …This doesn’t feel good. Forcing a smile, I approached, and he stood abruptly, thrusting the bag at me.
“Open it.”
Every eye at the table was on me. With no choice, I reached in and felt a square box. I pulled it out as cautiously as if it were a grenade pin. It was a latest-model tablet PC and stylus.
“For our Haemin, congratulations on passing your thesis.”
“…Father, it wasn’t the thesis, just the proposal…”
“I haven’t been able to take care of you properly while you’re living away. You must’ve resented me a lot, huh?”
“Resent? No way.”
Caught up in some unknown emotion, he suddenly pulled me into a hug. The smell of grease and alcohol hit my nose at once. Meanwhile, those around the table each chimed in with heartfelt remarks.
“Jealous, so jealous. Wish I had a father like the Chairman.”
“Haemin’s truly blessed, isn’t he, ma’am?”
At the targeted seat stood my mother, holding a plate of freshly fried pancakes. She smiled wordlessly, setting plates down one by one.
“Haemin, say thank you. Promise to become a great professor and repay him.”
“Following Chairman Shim, we’ll have Professor Shim. Professor Shim!”
Amid the raucous laughter, only my mother and I couldn’t smile. All the while, my father held me so tightly it felt like my torso would break.
When I left the house, one hand holding the shopping bag with the tablet and the other a bag of pancakes and kimchi, it was just past 8 p.m. Lying that the bus stopped early was a good excuse. Standing under a sky beginning to darken, my hands felt unusually heavy.
Trudging to the entrance, I looked around, but Chanhee’s sedan was nowhere. He went home, huh. A corner of my heart felt ungrateful disappointment, having assumed he’d wait. I’d have to take a taxi to the station. Resolving to do so, I opened the ride app when my phone rang. It was my father.
“…”
Having seen him sober up awkwardly, I had a bad feeling. But I couldn’t not answer.
“Yes, Father.”
As soon as I spoke meekly, an angry shout came, as expected.
—You brat, leaving without even saying goodbye to your father!
“I told you I had to go because of the bus…”
—You take the gift and don’t even say thank you? Where’d you sell your manners!
…Oh, that goodbye. The white shopping bag suddenly felt twice as heavy. Tilting my head back, I closed my eyes tightly.
“I was going to call separately. I shouldn’t interrupt while the adults are talking, right?”
—What kind of manners are you using, spinning words so slickly…
“I’ll use it well, thank you, Father. It’s exactly what I needed.”
I get it now. He’s angry because I didn’t act the way he imagined. He wanted me to be so moved by his arbitrary gift that I’d shower him with flattery, but my lukewarm reaction must’ve festered the more he thought about it.
“Calm down. It’s not that I didn’t appreciate it.”
Most friends wouldn’t agree, but I believe my father genuinely sees me as his “real” son. He’d act this way with a biological son too.
Maybe he’s suffering too. Wanting to love me, to be kind to me, but every tiny crack turns it all to nothing, leaving only burning anger—who’d find that easy?
But I don’t have a solution either. So now… I just feel like my very existence is hateful to him. Enough time has passed for me to think that way.
“Yes, goodnight. I love you too.”
Hanging up, I crouched on the spot. It’s good that it’s not cold. A short rest, and I’d regain the energy to get back to my place. The journey would be tough, but that was no issue. Moving alone actually felt more comfortable.
“Hyung?”
Because if I saw that guy right now…
“What’s wrong? Are you unwell?”
I’d end up blurting out the truth behind this uneasy feeling in my heart.
“…”
Still crouched, I only lifted my head. Chanhee stood there, bewildered, holding a convenience store bag in one hand. He’d probably gone to the store down the hill.
“Your car…”
“It’s in the visitor parking. The security guard told me to park there.”
“…”
“Are you sick?”
He set the bag down and crouched in front of me. It was just like last night. I laughed and waved my hand.
“No, the bags were heavy, so I was resting.”
“They do look heavy.”
Before finishing, he grabbed the bags I’d set down. Holding the hefty bags in one hand, he extended the other to me.
“Let’s go.”
His hand, pulling me gently as I took it, was so warm it felt hot. I wondered if he had a fever. I was about to ask when his voice rose first.
“Why are your hands so cold?”
His slightly furrowed brows showed genuine surprise, making me flustered too. I shook my head, brushing it off, but the real issue came after getting in the car. As he started the engine and turned on the heater, the greasy smell from the food bag started making me nauseous.
“…I’m really sorry for complaining after hitching a ride, but can we put this in the trunk?”
“Because of the smell? The trunk’s not airtight, so it won’t block it completely… Give it to me.”
No, I’ll do it. Before I could refuse, he hopped out, took the bags from my hands, and neatly stowed them in the trunk. Returning, he rummaged through the convenience store bag and asked,
“Feeling sick? Indigestion?”
“Ate a lot of greasy stuff…”
“Take this.”
He handed me a digestive aid and a water bottle from the store. I stared, bewildered, and he shrugged slightly.
“You said they sell medicine at convenience stores, remember? I was curious since they actually had it, so I bought it.”
I couldn’t shake the suspicion that he’d known I’d come out of that house with an upset stomach. I didn’t press because I wanted to talk less. I kept feeling like I’d say something pointless. I didn’t want to mess up.
“You must’ve overdone it.”
“Yeah… It was a celebration for my father’s discharge.”
“I’ll open the windows.”
Lowering the driver’s and passenger’s windows halfway let in some air, easing my breathing. As I took silent deep breaths, he leaned toward me.
“Hyung, your face is so pale.”
His chocolate-brown eyes were full of gentle affection and sweet concern. The hand brushing my forehead felt the same. I clenched my jaw and pressed my lips tight.
“Was it that tough?”
I’d say it again—Don’t try so hard with me.
I hate watching unreciprocated feelings flow. Especially if I’m the target. You can’t earn someone’s emotions with effort. I know that better than anyone.
“No, just… I’m not that close with my father. It’s pretty common, right?”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Fathers as warm as yours are rare. Mine’s been a bit… since we first met.”
I consciously shut my mouth. I knew I’d screw up. “Since we first met” sounds weird to anyone, doesn’t it? Hoping he didn’t notice, I gauged his reaction, but he asked back so casually,
“When your mother remarried?”
I swear I heard my eyelids blink. I stared blankly, but Chanhee was already focused on his phone. The night breeze slipping through the window tickled my forehead, and I barely swallowed dryly.
“…Did I ever mention that?”
“What?”
“That my mother remarried.”
At that, his fingers, holding the phone, froze. His face, turning slowly, was as calm as ever, but my ribs ached from my racing heartbeat.
“Or can you find out even that kind of thing by digging into someone’s personal information?”
I swear, I didn’t mean to ask so sharply. I was just flustered and spilled out the thoughts that came to mind in order. Chanhee didn’t respond. All he did was let out a low, thoughtful hum, as if he was mulling something over.
“Say something…”
“Oh, sorry.”
The apology he offered after a long pause was so breezy it was almost absurd. I let out a hollow laugh, dumbfounded. What was all this about? The moment I absentmindedly grabbed the door handle, a large hand pressed down on my knee, gripping it.
“What are you doing? Let go.”
“I’m sorry. I was just thinking back on something my father said.”
“…What?”
“The things I did regarding you… They were actions that could cause this kind of misunderstanding, weren’t they? I guess that’s what my father was worried about all along. I didn’t realize my way of thinking was that far from ordinary…”
“…”
“I was slow to respond because I was caught up in those thoughts. I’ve never dug into your family matters in that way.”
It took time just to process the flood of information he poured out. I let out a deep sigh and asked again.
“Then how did you know?”
“You told me. A long time ago.”
His unhesitating answer only deepened my doubts. As I stared at him without responding, a bitter smile curved on his well-shaped lips.
“Through email.”
Email? I was utterly baffled, but he started the car. As soon as we left the apartment complex and entered the main road, he suddenly extended his right hand toward me.
“Give me your hand.”
“…Why?”
“To see if it’s still cold.”
I could’ve scoffed and ignored such a ploy, but I didn’t have the energy for it. I held out my hand, pretending not to care, and he grasped it, pressing his palm against mine. Warmth spread up to my elbow in an instant. I turned my eyes to the car window, forcing a calm tone.
“Tell me more specifically.”
“About what?”
“You… That first love or whatever.”
His fingers intertwined with mine. He lowered our tightly clasped hands and grinned at me.
“At just ten years old, he knew how to use English and even Chinese characters.”
“…Huh?”
“He knew so many difficult words. Every time he sent an email, I’d ask my parents what this or that meant.”
“What kind of nonsense is that…”
“He was kind, thoughtful, gentle, and even intellectual.”
I couldn’t help but laugh in disbelief. A kind, thoughtful, gentle, and intellectual first love…
“That’s supposed to be me?”
“Yeah, exactly.”
“This is insane, seriously.”
As I laughed out loud, the grip on my hand tightened slightly. It felt like a reprimand not to mock him, but I couldn’t stop the laughter once it started.
“Come on, you can be honest. My father goes around giving lectures and casually talks about me all the time… It wouldn’t be strange if you found out by searching online.”
“Lectures?”
“He travels to churches across the country, gathering teenagers to preach. Starting with how he thought a seven-year-old son of the woman he loved was a gift from Jesus…”
When I was younger, I went along a few times. I still remember the bewildered applause directed at my father. The kids clapped because they were told to, but their young eyes couldn’t even guess what they were supposed to be applauding.
“Did you agree to that?”
The unexpected question made me turn toward the driver’s seat. His serious, sunken gaze briefly swept over me before returning to the road.
“Agree to what?”
“Did you agree to let him talk about you in such public settings?”
Somewhere, a horn blared loudly. I wasn’t the only one feeling impatient, it seemed. It gave me a chance to dodge the question.
“Well… Even if he did, I wouldn’t remember. That was when I was in elementary school.”
“Wouldn’t you remember something like that, even from elementary school?”
“Do you? I barely remember that time. I recall bits from kindergarten or middle school, but elementary school feels like a blur, like the whole thing is fuzzy…”
“…Really?”
I could feel Chanhee’s fingertips stiffen slightly as he responded a beat late. Which meant, of course, that we were still holding hands. And now it felt too awkward to let go, with our hands so firmly clasped.
“It was to the point that… I think it was in ninth grade. A friend I was super close with in elementary school contacted me. He was curious about how I was doing. We were so close that we were practically inseparable for six years, until we went to different middle schools. But when I saw his name, I genuinely thought, ‘Who is this?’ for a moment.”
There must’ve been plenty of happy times, but when I try to recall that period, the first thing that comes up is getting scolded loudly every night. Since the six years I lived with my father were during elementary school, maybe the stress from that time was just too much… I can only guess.
“Anyway, I… I don’t really want to think too deeply about that time.”
Middle school was different—it was fun. The teachers and friends were kind, dorm life suited me, and when I occasionally went home, my father welcomed me warmly.
Some might say I’m whining about nothing. I wasn’t starving, I wasn’t hit, just scolded a bit too often, and yet I don’t even want to recall that whole period.
“So? What kind of person was your first love?”
Realizing the car had grown quiet, I asked. Only then did Chanhee let out an “Oh” and speak.
“Should we grab a coffee on the way?”
But instead of a proper answer, he threw out something completely off-topic. I had to slowly shift my focus from my question to his.
“Coffee?”
“There’s a DT.”
“What’s a DT?”
“A drive-thru.”
“…Oh, right. I’ll pay. I feel bad that it’s just coffee after making you drive this long, but…”
I hurriedly rummaged through my pockets for my wallet. Thanks to that, I could finally let go of the hand I’d been holding so tightly. Thankfully, Chanhee took the card I offered without a word and smiled.
“I’m gonna order something expensive.”
“Yeah, go for it. Get something pricey.”
“What about you?”
“I’ll have an iced Americano…”
He smoothly pulled into a nearby café and ordered two iced Americanos. Just as the employee’s voice was about to cut off, he added, as if he’d forgotten, “Oh, and one chocolate chip cookie, please.”
Seeing the total come to just over ten thousand won made me burst into an incredulous laugh. It reminded me of when I took my younger cousin to a convenience store, and he agonized for ages before picking out a single ice cream, glancing at me nervously.
“You said you’d get something expensive.”
“The chocolate chip cookie here costs two thousand won.”
A twenty-two-year-old car owner saying that… He drove to the pickup zone, grabbed the coffee and cookie, and handed me the chocolate chip cookie too.
“When I’m feeling off, eating something sweet helps a bit.”
“Really?”
I’d never tried that before, so I was curious, but I opened the bag anyway. I picked up a piece and offered it to him first, and he leaned in, taking it directly with his mouth. The action could’ve felt strange, but in reality, it was more like handling a strikingly handsome wild animal.
“Do you like sweet stuff?”
“I eat chocolate sometimes. Ever since I watched Forrest Gump as a kid, I’ve found myself craving it every now and then.”
“Wow, how old is that movie…”
“There’s that line, ‘Life is like a box of chocolates.’ I didn’t even know what it meant back then, but whenever I see chocolate, it brings back the movie’s soft, comforting vibe, and I like that.”
Oh, I remember. That was such a kind line. You don’t know what you’ll get until you open the box, but whatever you pick, it’s all sweet chocolate in the end. What a loving, blessed thought.
“You.”
I popped a piece in my mouth, letting it melt slowly. I wasn’t sure if it settled my stomach, but the sweetness felt nice.
“You can stop worrying about the first love thing.”
Thanks to that, I couldn’t keep up with yet another out-of-the-blue comment. I took a sip of my Americano and turned to him with a “What?” only to see him grinning.
“You don’t have to look for him. I want to keep things like this.”
“…Huh? What’s that supposed to mean, all of a sudden?”
“I don’t want to make things hard for you.”
“…”
“I’m happy just being like this. I won’t bring it up again, so you can forget about it too.”
Then he closed his mouth, still smiling. Not wanting to make things hard for me? I wondered if I’d been whining too much, and it made me feel a bit awkward. I sipped my now-tasteless Americano, trying to think of a way to change the subject, when a earlier conversation suddenly lingered in my mind.
—You told me. Through email.
—At ten years old, knowing English and Chinese characters…
So, according to him, I was exchanging emails with him when I was ten, and I even told him about my stepfamily…
“…”
Stepfamilies aren’t exactly rare, but what are the odds of two kids the same age, using the same ID, and having similar family situations? At this point, it felt stranger to think his so-called first love wasn’t me. The more I learned, the more I understood why Chanhee was so certain and fixated.
But now, to suddenly say it’s fine, to stop thinking about it…
“Are you saying this because I said I don’t like remembering my elementary school days?”
Chanhee only blinked slowly twice, giving no real response. It looked like he was stubbornly pretending not to know.
“That first love or whatever…”
Someone he wanted to meet for so long, someone he hoped would remember him.
“Is it really me?”
To back off so easily just because I said it’s hard to recall…
“You don’t have to worry about it anymore.”
“Chanhee.”
This puts me in a tough spot. Naturally, it makes me greedy. I start hoping, even if it’s a long shot, that there’s no other possibility. That everything is exactly as you believe, exactly as you know, that I really was that kind and clever person, and that the moment our lives crossed…
If it really happened, how wonderful would that be?
“So what do you want to do now?”
But it’s best to hide any hopeful feelings as much as possible. After a moment of thought, he stopped the car at a traffic light before speaking.
“Just… I want to be together.”
“…”
“In any way.”
The breaths flowing in the confined space of the car. The subtle currents starting from the faintest tremors in our gazes, breaths, and fingertips felt like waves just beginning in a distant sea. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I smelled chocolate.