HMLU Ch 9

“Why?”

“Because people are naturally drawn to someone who seems more relaxed than them. It’s instinct.”

I hadn’t really encountered anyone desperate to get close to me, so this didn’t fully resonate either. But since it was advice meant for me, I decided to listen carefully.

“Why don’t you meet and talk openly? Just bring it up lightly, naturally. That’s probably the best way.”

Well, really? I couldn’t quite picture a positive outcome. It was uncertain whether Shim Haemin would even remember me, and I was at a loss for how to tell someone hiding behind another identity that I knew he was Nickmer.

After hearing warnings about stalking, I felt even more hesitant. The mere thought of Shim Haemin fearing or being uncomfortable with me made my heart sink. It was better not to meet at all. Rather than leaving a bad impression, I wanted to vanish as if I’d never existed.

“…”

That’s when I realized. Following my father’s advice was impossible from the start. I’d been desperate for Shim Haemin for a long time.

🕹️

The answer is simple. If I’d thought rationally and judged logically, I wouldn’t have considered meeting Shim Haemin. But I lacked everything. Even knowing it was better not to get closer, I was tormented by the lingering hope that maybe we could talk once. After days of this, the conclusion I reached was absurdly straightforward.

—Just ask him.

There was a good chance he wouldn’t remember me at all. Shim Haemin was an intense experience in my life, but for someone like him, living a busy, exemplary life, our memories might not have been that memorable.

Then there’s nothing complicated about it, is there? If he remembers, we can naturally talk about back then. If he doesn’t, I can maintain our game friendship for now. Until I gain more experience and can naturally gauge my distance with Shim Haemin.

“Hyung, so…”

That’s the excuse for using the most pathetic method.

“Do you know a user called ‘NicknameMuhum’?”

I won’t deny it was cowardly, but regrettably, it was my best option.

🕹️

The restaurant was chosen from the moment we first planned to meet. I’d only been there once since returning to Korea, but one spot stood out. It was a table by a large window with a view of a well-kept garden.

On a nice day, during the afternoon, you could see grass shimmering as if trembling under the sunlight. I thought Shim Haemin would surely like it too.

Despite countless hesitations and worries, I wasn’t nervous at all on the day of the meeting. It felt similar to heading to the hospital for my final checkup. Arriving first and sitting down, I stared blankly out the window. The grass radiated an unadulterated green, like freshly squeezed paint.

Soon, two sets of footsteps approached. The sharp clack of hard shoe heels was followed by a soft, light tread getting closer.

“…”

I swear on my friendship with Liam, who’s gone far away, that I didn’t care what Shim Haemin looked like. I’d even guessed he might not meet society’s typical aesthetic standards. Isn’t that obvious? It’d be stranger if someone with all the essential human qualities was also stunningly attractive.

Considering the emails we exchanged as kids and his consistent academic excellence, I imagined a warm, studious type. But recalling his sharp, husky voice and firm tone, I pictured someone with a furrowed brow and thick glasses. Either was fine. I was confident I wouldn’t be surprised by any appearance.

“We’ll prepare your seat.”

But when I tore my gaze from the dazzling garden.

“Yes? Here?”

The moment I turned to the familiar voice and met light brown eyes—I couldn’t help but be stunned.

“…”

The afterimage of sunlight lingered, flowing down the outline of soft brown hair. His curly locks, catching the light, resembled gold-rimmed fallen leaves. His downturned eyes, full lips, and slender jaw gave him the innocent, docile look of a half-grown puppy.

“…You’re here?”

I somehow managed to speak casually. He nodded, and his hair shimmered like silk. It felt unreal, like watching a painting or video. Unable to look away, I spoke in a strangely calm voice, as if it belonged to someone else.

“You’re early.”

How can I describe that moment?

“Sit down.”

…They usually call it love at first sight, don’t they?

🕹️

When my treatment in Boston ended, I was only 170 centimeters tall. Both my paternal and maternal families were tall, but the consensus was that chemotherapy during puberty made it hard to grow to genetic potential, so my family didn’t expect much.

A small, skinny man, no matter his face, struggles to win favor with looks. Especially if he’s pale and reeks of illness. So, I’d rarely heard comments about my appearance. As treatment ended, I grew taller and started building my body, noticing changes in how people reacted, but staying mostly at home, I didn’t fully register it.

“I was surprised because I’d never seen someone as handsome as you.”

It was the same when Shim Haemin said that. I couldn’t help but laugh. I was too amused to feel flattered, as he seemed utterly unbothered by his own words.

“You’re much handsomer, hyung.”

I meant it. I still sometimes saw the dark, dull face of my past in the mirror. Naturally, Shim Haemin’s flawless, softly drawn features felt incomparably beautiful.

Handing him the menu, he leaned closer, almost resting on the table. He stared intently at the photo-less, foreign-language-only menu, then let out a short sigh. His lips curved up, and a faint coral flush bloomed on his round cheeks.

“Can you order for me? I can’t make sense of this.”

If you painted a person only in warm, water-soaked colors, they’d look like Shim Haemin. I politely said yes and ordered the pre-reserved course. During the pause in conversation, he sipped his water, casting a disinterested gaze. Though he was sitting here, his attitude suggested he had no interest in me.

Anxiety burned the tip of my tongue. Before I knew it, I was spilling words I hadn’t meant to.

“I was overseas for treatment. I only returned to Korea three months ago.”

Only then did he widen his eyes and cautiously ask.

“Were you sick?”

I’d told myself it was fine if Shim Haemin didn’t remember, that it was possible—yet part of me had hoped for a dramatic, novel-like reunion. Seeing his utterly clueless expression, I began to feel uneasy.

It was the same as I recounted our past from 15 years ago. Shim Haemin just blinked with a puzzled look, as if asking, “Who is this about?”

That’s when I understood. My mother once said life always tries to balance the luck you’re about to receive, neither too much nor too little. That’s why good and bad things alternate.

“You’re totally barking up the wrong tree…”

In other words, meeting Shim Haemin so easily was to prepare me to accept that he’d completely forgotten me…

“You’re probably not the person you’re looking for. It’s just a coincidence that our IDs are similar.”

…a preemptive stroke of luck, perhaps.

“…Is that so?”

The moments so precious they’d defined half my life—were they just trivial experiences for Shim Haemin, forgotten like they never happened? All the kind words and comfort he sent me—were they just thoughtlessly, naturally spoken, like breathing?

“…”

If that’s the case, that’s even more impressive. I felt enchanted by the brown eyes staring at me.

“People are drawn to someone who seems more relaxed than them.”

Indeed. It was maddeningly tantalizing.

I couldn’t sleep late that night. Feeling off, I checked my temperature, but I had no fever.

It was like lying on a flimsy plank, floating on shallow waves. Before I knew it, an unnamed thirst filled my ears. Complex emotions I’d never experienced flooded me, causing nausea.

I’d imagined it hundreds of times. The day I’d meet Shim Haemin. But in my mind, meeting him was always the end of the story, not the beginning. After all pain passed, everyone found peace, and only then could I meet my tender first love from memories, a happy ending… Sadly, reality doesn’t end at such convenient points. Time keeps flowing even after reuniting.

How could I blend into the life of someone who’s lived so differently from me? I probably wanted to use our past as a means to do so. So, when I learned Shim Haemin remembered nothing, I was struck with fear and despair. I want to intertwine our lives, to be part of yours in any way, but now that I’m nothing to you—what can I do?

“Should I give him a gift?”

My father looked deeply troubled by my serious pondering.

“What kind of gift?”

“I don’t know. What should I give?”

“For a friendly gift… something he likes but not too burdensome is perfect.”

Things Shim Haemin likes… Thankfully, a few came to mind. Game items, The Saga of Isea… As I listed them, my father patted my shoulder, relieved.

“Good. I was worried you’d say you were buying something like luxury goods.”

“Luxury goods?”

“…Don’t put it on the list. Got it?”

Shim Haemin was still busy. Especially on weekends, he seemed to be called to a lab. When I asked what he did there, he gave a wry laugh. —Honestly, I don’t even know what I’m doing there.

Sometimes, he’d click his tongue during voice chats. It seemed he kept getting calls from family or friends. Many people sought or needed him. Like me.

—Sorry, they keep asking me to come to a cohort meetup.

I couldn’t resist my curiosity and asked.

“What do you usually do at cohort meetups?”

—Just, like, catch up on how everyone’s doing… Drink and stuff.

“Drink?”

—You’d be shocked. It’s not like the elegant meal with a glass of wine we had. They pour until a few people drop.

“Why?”

—…Good question. Why do they do that…?

Though he said that, his voice was excited, like a child planning something fun. He must like those cohort people, I thought. Even in brief conversations, it’s unmistakable. Shim Haemin genuinely loves everyone around him.

—Oh, next week I need to visit my hometown. My father’s not feeling well.

So, even with a ‘father’ like that, he can still say this.

“Is he very sick?”

—He’s usually healthy, but last week he went hiking with church folks and fell down a slope. Hurt his back, called 119 for a helicopter, total chaos.

“Oh…”

—He suddenly called saying he wanted to see me, and I was shocked. He’s never said that in his life, but I guess age softens you.

His chuckling voice somehow made my heart flutter.

—But lately… Sorry, hold on.

Family or school friend stories were better. But when only keyboard clacks followed during a call, I grew more anxious. At least he only played this game with me. Listening to my childish insecurity, I’d occasionally hear him chuckle.

“Who’s that?”

I worried asking too much would annoy him, but I couldn’t stop the words from spilling.

—Oh, just someone I know… Asking about a game.

“This game?”

—Yeah… No, wait. No, a different game.

His frantic denial suggested it was someone from his ‘Nickmer’ days. I could hear him sighing heavily, as if tired of their persistent contact.

Whenever Shim Haemin was called away, all I could do was stand there dumbly waiting. I didn’t have what he called ‘real life.’ I didn’t go to school, work, or have friends.

‘I wouldn’t want to hang out with someone like me either.’

The more I thought sensibly, the more daunting Shim Haemin became. I wanted to meet him again. To sit close, hear his voice, see his leaf-colored eyes and pale fingertips. But I couldn’t think of an excuse or a natural invitation. All I could do was try my best to entertain in the virtual space where we could be together.

Meritocracy: Bear, hold on

Meritocracy: Someone called me.. I’ll be back soon

Even that was easily disrupted when someone sought Shim Haemin.

When a user is away too long, three dots appear in a speech bubble above their character. Staring at the monitor with my chin propped, I shut off the desktop. He didn’t seem likely to return soon, so I figured I’d get some air.

Since I started driving, I’d habitually take the car out when feeling stifled. Driving slowly under dim lights, the clinging thoughts softened a bit, like oil stains dissolving. It was my way of calming myself when emotions surged, threatening to cross a line.

Naturally, there weren’t many places to go. I parked on the shoulder of a deserted alley and lowered the window. It was the season turning to fall with each morning. A chilly breeze tickled my ears.

Leaning back in the seat, I rubbed my face dryly. I hadn’t entirely dismissed the idea of being upfront. Didn’t you leave comments on a favorite author’s blog? Didn’t you run to the library to wish a kid you met there a happy birthday…?

It was clear why I couldn’t do that simple thing. I was afraid he wouldn’t remember even after all that. Then I’d truly have no cards left. I’d have to abandon even the faint hope that he might recognize me and figure out how to blend into Shim Haemin’s life as just myself.

I didn’t think I was capable of that.

Leaning back, one feeling flowed like breath. It hurts. I was dizzy from emotions surging to my head and crashing to my feet a dozen times a day. It felt like crawling up a dune fixated on a single puddle. The more I endured, the more my core withered.

That’s why I couldn’t easily answer the phone.

“…”

I stared at the vibrating phone screen displaying ‘Shim Haemin’ for a long time. Part of me wished he’d hang up quickly, part wished he’d never hang up. Naturally, I couldn’t hold out until the end.

“Yes, hyung. Are you done with your errand?”

I tried for a normal voice, but it didn’t quite work. Shim Haemin sounded slightly surprised.

—Uh… Where are you?

Making up an excuse wasn’t hard at all.

“I stepped out to buy some medicine. My stomach’s been off since dinner.”

—Are pharmacies open this late?

His unexpected point startled me. Checking the clock, it was indeed too late for that.

“…Right. I came out and they’re all closed.”

—…

“It’s fine. I can manage. I’m heading back now.”

Unnamed emotions planted all sorts of strange impulses in me. I wanted to seem like a carefree game friend, but I also hoped Shim Haemin would notice something off and ask about it.

—Sounds like you’re really nauseous?

“No, I’m fine.”

The reply slipped out unconsciously. I’d long had a habit of saying I’m fine even when in pain. Though this time, I really was fine.

—Hmm…

I thought he was about to hang up, but Shim Haemin dragged out his words, as if pondering. Anxious, I was about to insist I was fine when—

—Hey… Should I bring you some plum ade?

“…”

—If it’s not a bother…

A soft breeze slipped through the narrow window, brushing my temples.

“…You’re coming now?”

The thoughts clouding my mind, the tangled emotions clogging my chest, all washed away cleanly by that breeze…

“It’s exciting.”

Warm air swelled to the tip of my tongue, like falling in love for the first time.

“Where should I wait?”

I felt like I could fly anywhere.

🕹️

As soon as I hung up, I searched for the nearest café. Luckily, there was one open late. I rushed in, grabbed drinks and desserts, and anxiously checked my phone. A message said he’d just boarded a bus and would take about ten minutes.

“Sir, we’re actually in an event period, so a complimentary drink comes with your order…”

As I hurriedly grabbed the shopping bag, the staff offered an extra coffee. About to take it, I noticed a small post-it on the paper holder. It reminded me of going to a PC bang with Shim Haemin.

“No, I’m good. Thanks.”

Declining simply and turning, I heard a disappointed sigh behind me. I felt a bit bad but had no time to dwell.

Carefully securing the bag, I drove again. Arriving at the bus stop, a village bus soon rumbled up the opposite road. The back door opened, and Shim Haemin, in a hoodie, stepped off. His brown curls swayed softly under the faint streetlight.

Before I could measure my steps, I got out of the car and our eyes met. He gave a faint smile and crossed the street toward me without hesitation. The soft patter of his footsteps colored the quiet night street like a fragrance.

“Here.”

Seeing the tumbler he held out, I realized—oh, he came to give me this. The tumbler’s cold surface gave me slight goosebumps.

“I forgot to mention… Convenience stores sell antacids too. Just in case, grab some on your way back.”

I didn’t know and didn’t care. I was just moved that Shim Haemin came all this way despite knowing. Unsure what to say, he spoke awkwardly.

“Anyway, rest early. I’m heading out.”

“What?”

A dumb question slipped out before I could stop it.

“You’re leaving?”

He came all this way just to give me this and go? It felt like all the futures I’d hoped for evaporated. Shim Haemin blinked rapidly, looking more surprised than me.

“I gotta go… It’s this late…”

It’s this late, so obviously you’d stay, right? I swear it wasn’t entirely selfish. When someone comes this late at night out of concern, sending them back after taking the item feels wrong. As I babbled excuses, Shim Haemin looked thoroughly perplexed. Even as he nodded and got into the car.

🕹️

Coincidentally, it was a day when both my parents were out of the house. I was especially relieved that my father was absent. If he knew I’d brought Shim Haemin over, he would undoubtedly come rushing up to meddle in every possible way.

Trying to calm my nervous heart with a sneaky deep breath, I noticed Shim Haemin take a long inhale as soon as he stepped out of the elevator. His slim shoulders rose sharply and then slowly fell, catching my eye unmistakably. When I unwittingly cast a puzzled glance, he quickly gave an embarrassed smile.

“It’s just weird that your house smells like you.”

Smell? Startled, my expression stiffened immediately. He hurriedly waved his hand and added a follow-up.

“I mean it smells good. Like soap.”

“From me?”

“Yeah. Didn’t you know?”

His casual demeanor as he tossed out such a bombshell and started walking was utterly nonchalant. It seems I’m the only one constantly shaken up. Calming my agitation, I headed to the kitchen, and Shim Haemin naturally sat on a stool. It was a spot with a clear view of the kitchen’s interior.

“…”

I felt his steady gaze the entire time I was getting drinks and transferring the cake. His light-colored eyes calmly followed my fingertips. I was so tense I thought I might drop and shatter all the dishes. Thankfully, due to my heightened nerves, no such mishap occurred.

The kitchen and living room were aligned in a straight line, so from my position, I could see the full-length window facing the garden behind Shim Haemin. Observing him sitting with his chin propped, silhouetted against the darkened scenery, it suddenly hit me that he was truly in my space.

“Here…”

I wish you could stay forever. I barely managed to stop the words that surged up before they could fully form. Shim Haemin seemed to perk up his ears for a moment but didn’t ask what I meant.

He didn’t seem entirely comfortable with the sudden visit to my house. He was smiling, but his eyes looked tense. I knew this but pretended not to notice… because I was happy. The mere fact that Shim Haemin was here.

It felt mysterious to me. Just seeing his face and talking to him filled my heart so completely… How could that be?

“By the way, I had something to talk about.”

Of course, feeling lonely can happen in an instant too.

“Should we start a guild soon?”

Luckily, I’m good at hiding my feelings.

“A guild?”

Especially masking disappointment—that’s a long-honed skill.

“Yeah, the more guild members we recruit, the more advantages we get…”

There had been several close calls in front of Shim Haemin before. I thought this time, too, I could maintain a smooth, unaffected expression.

“I know this one really skilled guy. If we bring him in, a lot of people will follow.”

“…”

I recalled the times he’d disappear mid-game, saying someone was calling him. So, all those persistent summons were about planning to form a guild or something. I couldn’t help feeling uneasy. I’m more than content with just Shim Haemin, but he needs more.

“…Now that I think about it, hyung, you like Im Jungah’s work, right?”

Knowing this made me act even more petty.

“I have Olga’s Secret Recipe in my room.”

Hoping, against all odds, that he might remember me now.

The waves carrying my heart kept me awake. Lying flat, surrendering to the now-familiar voyage, I realized it was past midnight when I came to. The house was silent, and the closed bedroom door showed no sign of opening.

No matter how I thought about it, it shouldn’t take over two hours to read that short book. After hesitating, I got up and opened the door.

Shim Haemin was curled up asleep at the edge of the sofa. The worn booklet was carefully placed by his head. I muffled my footsteps, approached, and crouched down. He wasn’t particularly short, but curled up on his side, his frame looked unusually small.

Wondering what to do, I glanced down and caught sight of his pale, slender feet. They seemed small for his height. Unthinkingly, I held my hand near them and saw that his foot was about the length of my hand from thumb to pinky, fully spread.

“…”

Staring blankly, I was startled when my palm touched him. His pale instep was chillingly cold. …This won’t do. I braced my arm on the sofa and gently shook his shoulder.

“Hyung.”

His neat eyelashes fluttered, but that was all. He was so deeply asleep there was no sign of waking. So this is what they mean by sleeping through being carried. I called again, a bit louder.

“Hyung, go sleep inside.”

I pushed his shoulder with a little more force. This time, he let out a soft groan, but still showed no sign of opening his eyes. I couldn’t just leave him like this. Unconsciously, my eyes scanned his curled-up form. …I think I could carry him.

Carefully, I wrapped one arm around his shoulders. His cheek, brushing against my inner arm, was soft. I slipped my other hand under his knees to position myself, and Shim Haemin merely breathed evenly. Holding him tightly to avoid dropping him, I slowly stood. He was even lighter than I’d expected.

“Mmm…”

The problem came next. As soon as I stood fully, a warm breath grazed my chin. Shifting slightly in my arms, he buried his forehead between my neck and shoulder.

“…”

From where his breath touched, goosebumps spread across my cheeks, behind my ears, and down my nape. Careful not to grip too tightly, I took a silent deep breath.

Crossing the living room to the bedroom felt unusually long. Yet, when it came time to lay him on the bed, I felt reluctant. Gently placing him down and pulling the blanket over him, a soft sigh slipped from his full lips.

I knelt on the floor and stared for a while. With his eyes closed, every feature—drawn as if with a brush—stood out even more vividly. I forcefully pulled back the hand that was unconsciously reaching for his round cheek. If I let my guard down, I’d end up touching him again.

I backed away the distance of a breath and stood. The bed was big enough for two, but I doubted I’d sleep comfortably. Leaning against the carefully closed bedroom door, I let out a long sigh into the air.

“Ah…”

If I met Shim Haemin, I naturally wanted to stay by his side. I wanted to be closer than anyone.

“This is trouble…”

I hadn’t expected my heart to be shaken this much.

Sliding down against the door, I rubbed my forehead with both hands. Faint goosebumps lingered on my nape. The warmth of his breath on my skin wouldn’t fade. Waves crashed to my scalp, dizzying me. At some point, I’d become a raft adrift, having lost the way back to shore.

🕹️

I wasn’t entirely free of resentment when Shim Haemin bolted out like the house was on fire as soon as dawn broke, but that’s not why he went silent for a whole day. Nor was it because of the woman I saw in the alley by his house, who looked picture-perfect with him after I drove him back. It wasn’t even hurt from seeing Shim Haemin smile comfortably, eyes crinkling, the moment I was out of sight.

It was because the sudden surges of resentment in me at every moment felt unfamiliar and frightening.

And so, I think I understood what my father was truly worried about. He feared that I, lacking the average experience in handling emotions, might easily spiral and overwhelm Shim Haemin. He must have worried what would happen if I lost the only connection in my short life this way, left heartbroken and despairing.

Realizing this, I had to reconsider. Was I too hasty? Should I have practiced before seeking Shim Haemin?

But where could I possibly practice these emotions…

I sat by the window until the sun, risen after the night, began to set again. Over the familiar scenery, Isaac, Liam, and Shim Haemin overlapped. As the outside darkened and the light above me turned on, only the image of myself, floundering with the suddenly arrived tomorrow, remained.

I picked up my phone and opened the messages. The last was about returning the book. How unfair. He rushed over at the mere mention of an upset stomach, giving freely as his heart moved—yet he wouldn’t even accept that worn book from me.

“…”

I vaguely guessed the reason. When I mustered the courage to call, Shim Haemin was, unsurprisingly, angry.

—What are you trying to do with me?

In my short life…

I mostly learned to hide disappointment. There were too many days when I had to accept results different from my expectations, pretending it was fine, as if I’d foreseen it. So, even if Shim Haemin unintentionally hurt me or drew a line without hesitation, I was confident I could hide it.

—I gotta go. Hanging up.

But I never learned to hide affection. I never had to practice it. That’s why it was so easily exposed…

“Hyung, I…”

I’ll hide it well. So please don’t run away. All my pathetic pleas fizzled into the air, unable to reach the coldly disconnected call. Without further thought, I grabbed a jacket and left the house.

“You left a note saying you wanted to meet.”

I recalled his mischievous grin, pointing at the memo on the cup holder. Someone so keenly attuned to others’ kindness couldn’t possibly miss the feelings directed at him. It seems I was sending endless signals during the short time we met. Like unfiltered rainwater pooling on the ground, I laid bare my raw affection.

What happens now? Will we never meet again? Did his outright anger mean it’s over? Thorny anxiety spread to my fingertips as I wandered the night streets. If that’s the case, I want just one chance to explain. That I didn’t mean to burden you. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. It’s just… this overwhelming, breathtaking feeling was so new, I didn’t know how to share or express it.

Can I do it well? My feet felt like they were burning as I pushed through the cold air. Running down the narrow alley, the wind carried the scent of the deep sea that once visited my room. Though breathless, I didn’t want to surface. Even if it meant drowning, I wanted to keep running as far as I could. My insides, crushed by the pressure, churned.