LCL 14

I interlocked my fingers with his firmly, gripping tightly enough to make it hard for him to pull away.

“You know I was closer to you than anyone else in high school. Closer than Ji-pil even. You know that.”

It sounded more like pleading than a statement, but I didn’t backtrack. I couldn’t bear the thought of him being hurt.

“I even remember your grades. Not all of them, but most. I didn’t want to seem too familiar with you in front of the others… I was just acting, okay?”

“…”

“So don’t be angry. I rarely see you angry… I don’t know how to handle it.”

My voice trailed off. Dae-han, who had been staring at me silently, twisted his lips.  Then, out of nowhere, he chuckled softly. His large frame leaned forward as he lowered his head.

He rested his forehead on my thigh. There must be food smell and unpleasant odors from outside, but he maintained his position. His grip on my hand felt burning hot.

I felt his breath. I slowly pulled my hand out and wrapped my arms around his broad, hunched back. His body is hot.

“Are you angry?”

“No. I know everything. It was just something you said, right?”

“…Yeah.”

Every time Dae-han spoke, small vibrations resonated through his back. I liked those vibrations for no reason, so I pressed my ear against his back. The living room visible in front of me was always tidy.

For two guys living together, this is extremely neat. There’s no clutter, but because the house is spacious, it seems even more so.

“Still, if we hadn’t known each other, I might’ve really said something like that.”

I raised my body first. I was curious about what expression Dae-han was making. I cupped his cheeks and lifted his face. I saw a somewhat bitter expression.

I now think that my emotions and Dae-han’s emotions are somewhat in sync. When we first met, Dae-han might have liked me a bit more, but now I like and love Dae-han a lot too.

I deliberately acted playful. I didn’t want him to feel down.

“If we were strangers, I wouldn’t say it like that. Lim Dae-han…? Oh, wouldn’t he have done well? Um, I’m not sure…. That’s how I would have done it, right?”

Dae-han burst out laughing. That deep laugh sounded so good. But why?

“Ki Young-hyun, you shouldn’t act. You’re too bad at it.”

…So that was the reason. I knew it. I can’t act. Yeah, I’ve known all along. That’s why I said I didn’t understand why Dae-han made that expression earlier.

I thought I was being quite serious, but Dae-han’s teasing annoyed me, and I got up from my seat, huffing. Dae-han looked up at me with relaxed eyes.

As I was about to leave, he grabbed my wrist and asked with a mischievous smile,

“Ki Young-hyun, want to shower together?”

He must be crazy…. I wrinkled my nose at Dae-han. When I pushed his sturdy back firmly, telling him to go shower quickly, he retreated obediently.

I should shower in the other bathroom too. I yawned and brushed my hair back. I want to change clothes quickly. I wanted to change into comfortable clothes, not outdoor wear.

I raised my hand and scratched my neck. My eyelids felt heavy. My breath was mixed with the smell of alcohol. What if Dae-han wants to do this and that? I’m sleepy but I want to do it.

I picked up the coat and jumper we had taken off. Just then, in the quiet space, a vibration and ringtone sounded. It was even more stark because it had been so silent until now. I rummaged through Dae-han’s jumper pocket and pulled out his phone.

<Senior Oh Hyuna>

I don’t want to care. But, I do care.

“…”

I wish the lingering unpleasantness was just my imagination.

I couldn’t answer the phone. No one knows that Dae-han and I are close, and there was no need to show that we’re living together.

I just held onto the buzzing phone. A short time felt extremely slow. The phone that had been ringing for about a minute stopped. The aftereffects still remained in my palm.

A message popped up.

Senior Oh Hyuna: [Are you near school?]

Senior Oh Hyuna: [Senior Seong-hong wants to meet, where are you? We’re done and want to drink more]

Senior Oh Hyuna: [He said he saw that you were with freshmen earlier lol!!]

Ah, so she called at Senior Seong-hong’s request. It was nothing. I can tell him later.

I put the phone back on the table and picked up the jumper and coat again. I should hang up the clothes and shower too. I want to shower quickly and cleanly. I wanted to wash away the lingering unpleasant feelings in my chest as well.

* * *

Senior Oh Hyuna is basically an eye-catching person in our department. Even though there are plenty of pretty and handsome people, she stands out distinctly.

When we first entered university, more than half of the male classmates wanted to get close to Senior Hyuna, getting her number, greeting her religiously, and eating meals together. But in the end, she became close with Lim Dae-han.

Whenever I ran into them at school, the two were always together. I don’t think they would have become this close just because they took general education classes together.

There was a separate reason. Dae-han isn’t burdensome enough to be concerned about tension between genders. Nor is he so blunt that it’s uncomfortable to talk to him.

Anyone can see he likes soccer, looks like he would hang out with groups of guys, but he’s been friends with both boys and girls since high school.

Of course, they had in common that they had loud voices at school and intimidated children. Also, because Dae-han has older brothers and sisters and a much younger brother, he didn’t particularly discriminate based on gender or age group.

The school seniors liked Dae-han for these reasons.

“…”

That’s right, but….

“Dae-han, how are you going to do the assignment?”

“Well, I don’t have any thoughts on how to do it yet. I’m just planning to do it slowly.”

“Then shall we gather a few people and book a study room in the library?”

“I don’t like doing it in the afternoon. You’ll just want to drink, won’t you?”

Lim Dae-han and Senior Hyuna entered the classroom. Their casual conversation looked friendly. Among the classmates gathered, those who had become closer thanks to the drinking party a few days ago greeted Dae-han.

Dae-han slightly raised his hand in response and found a suitable seat. Next to him was Senior Hyuna. I was sitting far away. Anyone watching would think Senior Hyuna was his girlfriend.

“Are those two dating?”

As expected, Park In-gong, who’s always interested in others’ business, immediately started speculating about the two. I pretended not to hear and acted like I didn’t hear anything. Without answering, I quickly flipped through my textbook.

Where did we say we’d start today? Unlike high school, the professor taught erratically, so I couldn’t tell exactly which part we were covering. A classmate who had been turned around glanced at the two and spoke up.

“I asked the senior, and she said they’re not dating.”

“And?”

“That’s it. Well, it’s a bit awkward to ask if they like each other or anything like that.”

Dae-han and Senior Hyuna were often the subject of gossip. Not just classmates, but seniors too tried to probe into their relationship whenever they had the chance. Always mentioning that there can’t be just friendship between men and women.

Of course, I’m concerned too. But I couldn’t tell him to distance himself from Senior Hyuna, with whom he often shared both general and major classes. Wasn’t I the one who first said that dating and university life should be separate?

I didn’t want to appear petty. Even though I was thinking all sorts of things inside.

“Hey, Younghyun, you said you went to the same high school as Dae-han, right?”

Just as I was pretending not to be interested in the two, a classmate called my name. I, who had been resting my chin on my hand and idly flipping through the textbook, looked up.

“Yeah, why?”

I’m curious why they keep asking about us going to the same school as if it’s such a big deal. I wonder if they ask Dae-han, “You went to the same school as Younghyun, right?”

What’s certain is that I was out of the scope of interest. The guy who had been glancing at Dae-han lowered his voice.

“Have you ever seen Dae-han’s girlfriend?”

Not a girlfriend, but I’ve seen his lover. I see that lover every day since I look in the mirror daily. As soon as the question came, I firmly closed my lips.

This was the first time I received such a question, so I was a bit flustered. Usually, they only asked if we were close or what it was like when we were in school. I moved my lips slightly. What should I say… Without realizing it, my voice got louder.

“I’ve seen Lim Dae-han’s girlfriend.”

The classroom, which had been filled with casual chatter, suddenly went quiet. Oh no, I made a mistake. Even Dae-han and Senior Hyuna, sitting far away, turned their eyes towards me.

I swallowed hard. Let’s talk… as Dae-han and I had agreed a few days ago.

“His girlfriend is really scary. Really… she has a terrible personality.”

I even blinked my eyes for emphasis. After speaking, I glanced at Dae-han. Not just me, but all the other guys too. Soon after, eyes full of shock turned towards me.

Now I’ve become someone who talks behind people’s backs, right? And in front of the person, no less.

I had never seen such front-talking before. Even when Jung Ji-pil badmouthed Dae-han, he only did it so I could hear. Dae-han pushed his tongue into his cheek. His cheek bulged out as if he had a candy in his mouth.

To others, he must look upset. But I could read Dae-han’s expression.

He was trying not to laugh. If we were alone, he would have either lowered his head saying it was funny, laughed out loud, or rubbed his forehead on my shoulder while laughing.

But since we’re not supposed to be that close in others’ eyes… Dae-han licked his lips and then bit them. After barely swallowing his laughter, he confronted me.

“Ki Young-hyun, why are you talking behind my back right in front of me?”

I know he’s joking, but somehow it felt threatening.

“Are we close?”

“Hey, Dae-han, why are you acting like this?”

Senior Hyuna, who was next to him, tried to stop Dae-han. And for good reason, as Dae-han was different from usual.

To the classmates who were with us at the drinking party a few days ago, we must look really strange. Usually, we have no connection, but suddenly we’re exchanging words at odd points, so they must be wondering why we’re acting like this. Honestly, it looked strange even to me.

“Even if we were close, it’s upsetting. Why are you badmouthing my girlfriend? Don’t badmouth her. Okay?”

I think something like this happened once last year too.

I know he’s saying it jokingly, but still…

Remembering how Dae-han was in high school made me feel bad. Thinking of how he used to forcefully push people around and drag them by force.

And I, who used to be dragged along by him, was… not much different then and now. I just rolled my eyes around, watching others’ reactions, and acted passively. Even now, I didn’t want to act like this, but like a coward and a scaredy-cat, I just watched others’ reactions and then lowered my gaze.

“…Yeah, sorry.”

My steps towards the parking lot feel unnatural. Although I knew where the car was, so there was no hesitation in the direction I was heading, my feet felt heavy. It felt like I was being dragged along with shackles on my feet.

The reason was obvious. It was because of how Dae-han had acted before the lecture. In the almost two years since we met, it’s not like I haven’t seen Dae-han being rowdy.

Apart from being embarrassed about hanging out with friends and creating a hostile atmosphere, when we went out to busy areas together, people very different from me would approach and act friendly with him.

Dae-han sometimes ignored them, saying it was embarrassing, and sometimes talked to them without much thought. Also, at school, apart from studying hard, he had guys he was close with. Although they had grown apart, they liked Dae-han excessively.

Even if Dae-han treats me well, that’s only towards me. When he’s with friends, or when dealing with friends, there were moments when he reverted to his original domineering self. It startled me every time, but I guess today I’m feeling more gloomy because I became the target.

Dae-han was waiting for me in the student parking lot. His parents said they would buy him a car for getting into a good university, but he declined, using the excuse that he wasn’t good at driving. Instead, he drove a spare car from home.

The car he drove was very expensive for a spare. It’s rare for a family to have a foreign car that had been left unused in the parking lot for months because no one drove it. Moreover, there were five adults who could drive, including Dae-han.

The car was from a famous company that even I, who doesn’t know much about cars, recognized. The so-called B company. A glossy black, well-shaped car was waiting for me.

As I approached across the parking lot, Lim Dae-han, who was fiddling with his phone in the driver’s seat, turned his head. I got into the passenger seat and moved my bag to hug it in front of me.

He carelessly put his phone in the console tray and turned to look at me without starting the car. He leaned his head back and stretched his arm out long. He raised his hand and caressed my cheek.

He gently stroked with his thumb, then carefully lifted my chin with his thick-jointed finger.

“Why do you look so down?”

Even though I hadn’t shown it, he could tell, which means my mood must be really bad. I shook my head at his voice asking without any inflection.

I tried to force a smile, but I didn’t laugh. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t say that I was jealous of Senior Hyuna, who was rumored to be dating Dae-han, and that Dae-han’s strangely rowdy behavior today hit me as a bigger shock than usual.

How could I say such things? Dae-han, despite being the same age as me, felt more adult-like. I didn’t want to appear childish. It seems silly to care about such things between peers, but still…

“…”

Lim Dae-han silently gazed at me. I briefly met his gaze before looking straight ahead. He touched my cheek once with the back of his hand, then again with his fingers. Then he spoke in a calm voice.

“Tell me when you want to talk. It’s okay.”

For some reason, his voice made my jaw tense. Perhaps, perhaps it would be difficult to speak for a while.