LCL 36

I was too focused on him and acted sensitively. As a result, I also made the atmosphere awkward with an uncomfortable face. To make matters worse, the order was delayed and it would take another 20 minutes for the chicken to arrive.

Because of that, only pickled radish for the chicken was sitting lonely on the table. After some contemplation, I picked up and ate a piece of pickled radish. Sweet and sour… it was just ordinary pickled radish from a chicken place.

It wasn’t particularly tasty or bad. If only beer had come out, at least I could drink it.

“……”

Like all university area restaurants during dinner time, this place also blared loud music. Among the mechanical sounds, a short “ding” signaled an incoming delivery order.

While the surrounding tables were lively, having ordered lots of beer, our table was just quiet. I shouldn’t have come. I should have said I wouldn’t eat chicken and gone home instead.

I’m not the only one feeling this way. The other classmates also just exhaled with awkward faces. That’s because the last conversation ended like this,

‘Dae-han, aren’t you joining the student council? The seniors like you.’

Dae-han answered half-heartedly without even looking up.

‘It’s none of your business.’

It feels like seeing the high school Dae-han. Because it was a fierce response that anyone could see, there was no further conversation. I wasn’t imagining the sound of only crunching pickled radish.

Dae-han took off the cap he was wearing, ran his hand through his short hair, then put it back on, pulling it down low. I was more concerned because I couldn’t see his expression.

The classmate sitting across from me puffed out their cheeks, inflating their philtrum. The classmate looked at Dae-han cautiously, then smiled silently when our eyes met.

‘Say something.’

They pleaded with their eyes.

I know this atmosphere is because of me. I took out my anger on Dae-han, and since then, the mood has sunk. In fact, Dae-han didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t just Dae-han who was careless.

I also called out to Dae-han here and there because I wanted to see him. I kissed him first and even held his hand quietly sometimes. But I just got annoyed under the excuse of being sensitive. I probably won’t even be able to tell him about this problem.

Taking out my anger was ultimately like whining like a child, asking him to understand my feelings and situation. It was a bad habit. It wasn’t like my usual self. Usually, when there’s a problem, I want to talk to Dae-han and resolve it, but this time I was too sensitive.

I should apologize. I bit my lip and took a deep breath. Finally, I touched my phone that I had placed on the table.

Me: [Let’s talk outside]

Me: [ㅠㅠ…]

Me: [I’ll go out first, you must come]

I got up after leaving the message. Dae-han looked down to check his phone that beeped, while my classmates looked up.

Their eyes looked quite desperate, as if saying, ‘What if you run away too?’ I smiled to reassure them.

“I’ll be back after taking a call.”

Then I heard a chair being pulled back. All my nerves were on edge. Dae-han, who made an excuse about going to the bathroom, followed me. I swallowed my tension while listening to his heavy footsteps.

The smell of oil was spreading, and I already felt nauseous even though I hadn’t even touched the chicken yet.

I was in front, Lim Dae-han was behind. We walked in silence. Looking for the most secluded spot, we ended up at the external staircase. Being on top of a 5-story building with a chicken restaurant, it felt precarious even though it was solidly built.

I gripped the steel handrail. As night fell, it was incomparably cooler than during the day. The queasiness in my stomach subsided as I felt the wind.

I quietly looked around. The floor was littered with cigarette butts and spit marks. The halfheartedly attached ‘No Smoking’ sign on the stair railing seemed pointless.

“……”

“……”

After staring at the distant mountains for a while, I belatedly turned my head. Dae-han, who had been holding the railing and looking outside, also turned to look at me, sensing my gaze. I moistened my lips with my tongue. Carefully, I opened my mouth.

“Lim Dae-han.”

“……”

“Are you in a really bad mood? I’m sorry.”

I asked the obvious. Dae-han didn’t answer. Someone must have been smoking near the building, as an unpleasant smell and a rough curse followed. I should have been distracted by that, but I could only see Dae-han. I needed to make Dae-han feel better.

“Lim Dae-han-.”

My voice trailed off, but I couldn’t help it. I reached out my hand that had been hanging in the air and grabbed his wrist. I shook it gently side to side, urging for an answer.

“Is it okay to hold you here? You don’t like being touched.”

He didn’t get angry, but it sounded like a reprimand. I know I’m in the wrong. Dae-han must find it hard to keep up with my inconsistency.

I should apologize, but I couldn’t easily get the words out, fearing what he might say. Dae-han isn’t always gentle, after all.

Dae-han is just a normal 20-year-old. He doesn’t always just put up with things. When he’s upset, he shows it, and when he’s happy, he smiles… Knowing that Dae-han isn’t an adult who can tolerate everything, I’ve been acting selfishly without realizing it, as he usually accommodates me well.

“…I’m sorry.”

As I bit my lip and lowered my head, Dae-han let out a soft sigh.

“How can I be angry when you’re so submissive?”

“……”

“If it’s okay to hug you, then hug me.”

Lim Dae-han gave in first. I pursed my lips and hugged him. Dae-han smelled of oil. Even though we hadn’t eaten chicken yet.

I probably smelled the same. I tightly closed my eyes and grasped his clothes.

“I’m sorry for taking out my frustration on you.”

“You knew you were taking it out on me?”

Dae-han hit the nail on the head.

“Yes, I’m sorry.”

I nodded my head in his embrace.

“Haa-“

Dae-han, letting out a soft laugh, took a step back. The warm body heat that had enveloped me retreated. Instead, Dae-han tilted his head with a kind face and brushed my bangs once.

“You answer well.”

I couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or not, but I could tell he had softened. The thorns that had been standing up gradually laid down. Once more.

This time, I looked around. As expected, there was no one. I jumped into his arms again. Unable to resist the force, Dae-han stepped back and then hugged me tightly. As we matched our steps, he leaned against the wall.

“I’m sulking.”

Dae-han said in a voice that didn’t suit him. Not angry, but sulking, he says. Finding it both cute and funny, I laughed, and Dae-han pushed my cheek with the back of his hand. My head turned slightly, but what can I do?

“What are you laughing at?”

“It’s funny that you’re sulking.”

“I can hold grudges too.”

“Don’t lie. I’ve never seen that.”

“I’ll start from today.”

Dae-han grumbling was somewhat different from usual. I couldn’t help but burst out laughing. I like this Dae-han too. Grumbling means he’s not angry anymore.

I looked up with a smile, but Dae-han still looked at me with a sullen expression. I felt sorry for my classmates. They must be staring blankly at their beer, which was losing its foam, not knowing anything.

“Still, let’s be more careful from now on.”

“About what?”

“Just. These things.”

“……”

Dae-han didn’t answer. But I could tell. It was his way of answering. Probably affirmative. I smiled, showing my teeth while looking at him.

He frowned for a moment, then covered his face with his hand and lowered his head. I could imagine his expression. He must be unable to smile or frown. It’s so predictable.

It was good that I apologized to Lim Dae-han. Looking at it now, maybe he wasn’t in a bad mood, but felt discouraged. After returning from our not-quite-reconciliation, Dae-han treated our classmates more favorably than before.

It was natural for the others to be cautious. How could they not be, when he was spitting out words with such a bleak face?

We chatted with 500ml glasses in front of each of us. I didn’t know them well before because we weren’t close, but they turned out to be surprisingly nice and fun people.

“I want to date. Spring is already over.”

As typical of fresh twenty-year-olds, the conversation turned to dating. I made eye contact with the classmate who spoke up after taking a sip of beer. If it had been Park In-gong who said that, I would have ignored it, but this time was different.

Since I don’t know much about other people’s relationships (of course, I roughly know my brother’s dating patterns, but I pretend not to), I became curious.

“Do you like someone?”

The classmate shook their head.

“No. I’ve never liked anyone, never dated. Never even had a crush.”

“Isn’t that normal at twenty?”

“I went to an all-boys high school. So I actually can’t get close to the girls in our class. I thought I’d start dating right away in college, but that’s not happening either.”

“We haven’t even finished one semester yet, why are you rushing? Don’t show that you’re impatient.”

Lim Dae-han, who had suddenly asked me out when we’d barely spoken properly before, chided our classmate.

Not knowing about Dae-han’s own impatience, the classmate laughed awkwardly and changed the subject.

“Dae-han, you get along well with not only the girls in our class but also the seniors.”

“That’s just because I have an older sister.”

Rather than having an older sister, Dae-han originally got along well with everyone, regardless of gender.

“Actually, I’ve had this fantasy for a long time.”

The classmate squirmed. What could they be saying to be so shy? As I quietly waited for the answer, the classmate sitting next to me suddenly asked,

“Do you want to get hit while doing it?”

“Huh?”

The conversation had clearly swerved into a sexual topic. The shy classmate, me, and even Dae-han turned our gazes towards the voice. Under the flood of stares, the classmate laughed awkwardly and added,

“No, I mean while dating. I’m asking if you want to get hit while dating-.”

This was awkward. We weren’t even close yet, but we were talking about this kind of thing… Even if we were close, shouldn’t we be careful about what we say…? But. Getting hit…

“Ki-jun, do you want to get hit?”

I asked without realizing. Glancing around, I saw that the guy who was about to seriously explain his dating fantasy, and even Dae-han, were looking at me and the classmate next to me with incredulous faces.

“I think it’s a bit early for this kind of talk.”

Dae-han interjected. He was tactfully suggesting we drop the subject without embarrassing anyone. Normally, I would have done the same.

Don’t talk about such things. But this time was different. What can I do about my curiosity?

“Don’t we all have those kinds of fantasies? It’s a fantasy because it’s not realistic. For me, well, if they hit me…”

The classmate, perhaps slightly tipsy, continued talking without grasping Dae-han’s meaning. I understood, but pretended not to. Honestly, this is more interesting.

“If they hit you?”

“Well, to be honest, I think I’d prefer that. I want to get hit while doing it.”

“Wow. Are you a pervert?”

“…Could you call it a fantasy instead?”

Seeing them nod quite seriously, I became serious too. As I covered my mouth, the classmate smiled sheepishly.

“But Young-hyun, don’t you have a girlfriend?”

Now I became the target. Dae-han must know that I have a partner too, but the fact that they’re only asking me means they’re clearly fishing for some mischievous comments.

“Uh, yeah, that’s right.”

I drank my beer, pretending to be nonchalant. While other people’s stories are fun, I don’t like talking about myself. Especially about this kind of thing… And especially when my partner is right here!

“Ask your girlfriend to hit you. I heard you’ve been dating for a long time… You must have done all sorts of things…”

“Cut it out, you guys. We were talking about dating, what are you saying now?”

Finally, Dae-han scolded them. The classmate was startled and changed the subject. Without realizing, my gaze turned to his hand gripping the beer glass.

With hands twice as large as others, he was easily gripping the 500ml beer glass. If those hands… were to hit me, I mean… well, it might not be bad.

I’m crazy. What am I thinking in front of my classmates and Dae-han? Suddenly feeling hot, I quickly bit into a piece of chicken on the plate in front of me.

I caught my breath while shoving the meat into my mouth. If Dae-han were to hit me… where would he hit? The cheek would feel bad, um… then…

I squeezed my eyes shut, then shook my head to clear my mind. By now, the flow of conversation had moved from sexual topics to pure romance.

“I want to try being in a clingy relationship at least once. Isn’t that nice? Being completely submissive in the relationship.”

“You should like it to do it, how can you just do that?”

“That’s why I need to meet someone I really like.”

“Give it a try. It suits you.”

Dae-han actually seemed uninterested in the dating talk. He just looked bored with this gathering. I’m fine with it though…

My mouth felt dry from the beer. Should I order a cola? As I was reaching for the call bell, the question came back to me.

“If the person you’re dating now said they wanted to break up, would you try to keep them? You’ve been dating since you were students, right?”

Since only Dae-han and I are in relationships, and the other two aren’t, the target of the question naturally narrowed down. It was a scenario I’d never considered before.

Dae-han saying he wants to break up?