LCL 75

The hyung who originally worked here suddenly went to the military. It seemed that part-time jobs in university areas often preferred those who had completed their military service because of situations like this.

Anyway, because of that, the remaining people were covering the shifts, but since everyone had their own lives, I, who didn’t have anything special to do on weekdays, mainly ended up taking on more shifts. Honestly, it was better to be out than to be alone at home.

It was annoying and tiring to work late into the night, but on the other hand, when I was working or when I returned home after work, my body was so tired that distracting thoughts oftentimes disappeared.

Thoughts like why Lim Dae-han was hiding news about his father from me.

When I was alone, my thoughts kept deepening and it was difficult for me to deal with. Was I not trustworthy enough? Is that why he’s not telling me? Or does he think there’s no need to tell me? Is he doing this because he’s worried I’ll be concerned?

It was okay to be concerned about these sorts of things. We were lovers after all. We even know each other’s families, so why was he hiding this…It wasn’t just anything. It was about his father being unwell. I just kept digging deeper into this mental hole.

During break time, only Moon Ji-woo and I remained in the break room. We turned off the stuffy air conditioner and opened the window. The air seeping in from the window and the breeze from the air conditioner were equally unpleasant.

Moon Ji-woo, who had been staring blankly, spoke to me as I leaned against the window frame.

“They say we’re closing early today and going for some soup. You should come too.”

“Aren’t they drinking?”

“Maybe a bottle or two of soju. I won’t drink though.”

“Why do you only drink on days when I’m working?”

“That’s your ego talking, Young-hyun. The staff drinks less these days. We used to drink more than this.”

Is that so? I clicked my tongue at his retort. I pulled out my phone from my pocket. I had a message from Lim Dae-han saying he was ready for bed. He didn’t say anything about meeting up this weekend.

It seemed Lim Dae-han was visiting his father every Saturday. He would tell me his Saturday schedule without me asking—he had to go on a business trip, he had to go to the office, something urgent came up, and so on.

Then he would come to the house we shared very late at night, spend the night there, and return to his family home early in the morning.

I stuck one hand in my apron and typed on my phone’s keypad.

Me: [I’m going home after the work dinner today.]

It took 30 minutes for Lim Dae-han to reply. I wondered why his responses were so slow when he was just at home, but it was probably unavoidable because of Dae-ryong.

He was probably reading a book or going over some workbooks with him. Maybe they were lying down watching TV together. Looking at the time, it was just past 10 p.m..

He might have dozed off next to the sleeping Dae-ryong.

Lim Dae-han: [Again?]

Lim Dae-han: [You guys are meeting quite often.]

It was a typical message from Lim Dae-han. But the reason I felt a bit disappointed was perhaps because I hadn’t seen him once during the weekdays, and compared to how long I waited for his reply, it felt a bit…insincere.

I was trying to understand him too. I accepted our changed relationship without any explanation or complaint. This time too, I had no intention of making a fuss about it. I scratched my cheek and sucked on my lower lip once.

Me: [I’m just going to eat and go home.]

This time, the reply came an hour later.

Lim Dae-han: [Come home early.]

Lim Dae-han: [Call me when you get home.]

I unconsciously clenched my jaw. What’s the point of calling when he won’t even answer? But I couldn’t express this disappointment either.

My day and night were reversed, while Lim Dae-han’s work hours were the same as regular office workers. He was always a heavy sleeper too. I gritted my teeth tightly.

Me: [Okay haha]

Me: [Go to sleep first if you’re tired.]

“…”

Honestly, I had no idea when the next reply would come.

* * *

Maybe I was being overly sensitive. Come to think of it, didn’t Lim Dae-han always maintain this sort of schedule when he went to his family home during school breaks? The only variable was the part-time job I had taken on.

Perhaps I was overreacting because I didn’t hear directly from Lim Dae-han about his father being unwell. …Maybe thinking along those lines would make me feel better.

“Young-hyun, did you guys break up?”

I had been silently sipping the broth, but at this, I finally turned my head. In the soup restaurant full of drunk people, only our table was sober.

The five people sitting around the table were all staring at me.

“Pardon?”

When I asked back, the kitchen hyung repeated.

“I asked if you broke up.”

“I said the same thing to Young-hyun today. I asked if he actually never had a girlfriend.”

“No, he keeps acting like someone who’s just broken up.”

I stuck my spoon into the earthenware bowl. I ran my tongue over my teeth.

“What do you mean, acting like someone who’s broken up?”

“You keep taking every shift they ask you to cover, even asking to be put on more shifts, and suddenly you don’t say a word about your girlfriend.”

“I wasn’t really one to talk much about our relationship in the first place.”

“You used to sometimes take calls while working and leave early saying you had to meet up with her. But you don’t do that these days.”

“Why? You’re wearing a ring. They say it’s really expensive.”

“Yeah, I know it’s expensive.”

They were discussing my love life amongst themselves even though I hadn’t said a word about it. I was too tired to speak, so I decided to focus all my attention on eating again.

If other people are noticing it, how much have I changed?

I didn’t even feel like drinking any longer. We didn’t break up. I had no intention of breaking up either. But I guessed that I must be acting a bit strange compared to normally.

Moon Ji-woo, who said he wouldn’t drink, was drinking beer. He put down his glass and said, “Or did you guys have a fight?”

“It’s not like that.”

The boss chimed in.

“How long did you say you’ve been dating?”

“It was our 2-year anniversary about a month ago, so it’s been 3 years now.”

“It’s time to break up, it’s time to break up.”

The boss clicked his tongue. It was clearly an attempt to tease me, so I just twitched my nose once.

I wiggled my toes inside my shoes. I didn’t want to share my worries. That was why I was also restraining myself from drinking.

If I drank and got drunk, I felt like I would spill every little detail.

“It’s not like that. We’re getting along well.”

I forced out a smile and turned all my attention on eating again. The hyungs and noonas, including the boss, became engrossed in their own breakup stories. They talked about how foolishly they had loved and broken up in their early 20s.

“I once got down on my knees in the street begging the other person not to break up.”

“You, hyung?”

The kitchen hyung seemed like the type to not discriminate between women coming and going, but surprisingly, it seemed he had a rather sentimental love life.

“I even pressed my head to the ground begging. Just to see her one more time. Just to date a little longer. When I raised my head after crying so much, I could clearly see that the ground was wet. She had lost all feelings for me.”

A silence fell over the table that had been laughing and chatting happily earlier. Everyone was genuinely shocked.

“The moment contact becomes less frequent, you get that feeling. That you’ll break up soon.”

“Ah, right. There’s that feeling. Whether I’m dumping or being dumped, there’s that feeling. The realization that I can live without them.”

“What drama are you filming? Of course, you can live without them.”

“Ji-woo, you’ve never even dated.”

“Why would I have never dated?”

“You said you hadn’t, man.”

I glanced over at Moon Ji-woo, who cleared his throat and deliberately avoided my gaze. Well, with that personality, dating probably didn’t come easy for him.

“I’ve dated, really.”

Moon Ji-woo suddenly grabbed me desperately, as if to emphasize. Yeah, yeah, okay…Honestly, it wasn’t a fact I was particularly curious about, so I just nodded my head.

Maybe it was because of hearing the breakup stories, I walked away, feeling uneasy. As I left the noisy downtown area, it became somewhat quieter. Even this late at night, the always-crowded university area was overwhelming.

Is breaking up an inevitable consequence of dating? I didn’t know because I had never thought about it before. We had been together naturally since we were eighteen, and now we were at this age.

Eating together, studying together, going to and from school together…We were always together after we started dating, so being apart like this felt strange.

Still. Honestly, I wish Lim Dae-han would feel sorry for me. I was being quiet because I knew his father was in the hospital, but he didn’t even explain anything to me, did he? All I could do was wait for Lim Dae-han to reach out to me, wait to meet up with him.

“…”

Trudging along, I took out my phone as I crossed the summer night. The heat of the day had settled on the ground. Still, it was just as hot as ever.

I checked the messenger. Lim Dae-han hadn’t read the message I sent saying I went to a soup restaurant with the people from work after my shift.

I stopped in my tracks. I stared at the phone screen for a while and then called Lim Dae-han. For some reason, I felt really depressed today.

People were asking if I was lying about having a girlfriend. When was the last time I saw his face?

Is Lim Dae-han really not going to tell me anything? Does he not think I’ll worry?

If he would just say one word, if he would just ask me to understand, I felt like I could do anything.

If he really wanted to hide it, he should at least not show it. He should have treated me like usual. Many things have changed, but is keeping quiet all there is to it?

As expected, he didn’t answer the phone. It had been a while since I called in the early morning. I only called in the first few days after I started working, I no longer had any expectations in the matter.

I had no expectations. No, it was an understandable situation. My expectations were gradually decreasing. I wasn’t even disappointed because I knew he wouldn’t answer the phone.

Me: [You’re not answering your phone.]

Me: [I’m heading home now.]

Me: [But from now on, is it okay if I don’t contact you after you’ve gone to sleep? I don’t want to disturb your sleep.]

A long sigh escaped through my nose. It felt like I was taking out all of my frustrations on him. I wondered if he would be flustered when he saw this in the morning. I sent messages suddenly in the middle of the night, obviously irritated.

“I must be crazy.”

In the end, I deleted all the messages. Delete. Delete. Delete. The three consecutively deleted messages looked awkward.

I licked my lips and added an excuse.

Me: [I was supposed to send a schedule to the part-time job group chat but sent it to you by mistake.]

Me: [I’m almost home now! I had dinner but didn’t drink, just ate and came home.]

Me: [I’ve been eating a lot of late-night snacks lately, what if you can’t recognize me?]

Me: [I’ll call you tomorrow, sleep well haha]

After sending the messages, I gripped my phone tightly. I quickly scanned the deserted sidewalk. I needed to run. I should just run all the way home. Walking through the early morning made my thoughts deepen without me realizing it.

* * *

6:30 a.m. The morning sun had long since risen.

My day and night had really reversed. Even though I had worked hard at my part-time job, eaten a hearty late-night meal, and even gone for an untimely run in the early morning, I tossed and turned, unable to fall asleep.

Every day I resolved to sleep early, but the air conditioner set to sleep mode made the room quiet. Not opening the window made me feel disconnected from the world.

It was good that I took on the part-time job. Otherwise, I would have had to wait for Lim Dae-han in this house all the time.

I was just about to fall asleep. My blinking had slowed significantly. If I did well, I might be able to fall asleep. If it weren’t for the repetitive vibration going “zing, zing,” I would have fallen asleep long ago. I lifted my eyelids that were slowly blinking.

Fumbling around the bed, I found my phone. Lim Dae-han. I stared quietly at the three characters of his name on my screen.

When Lim Dae-han first called me, I was simply scared. In the early days of our relationship, I was too nervous to answer, but at some point, it became natural to answer.

Even after spending all day together, we would call each other after parting. We used to spend time chattering about every little thing. I liked listening to his stories and I liked telling mine to him.

Talking with Lim Dae-han was more fun than talking with anyone else.

But today, answering the phone felt burdensome. I buried one cheek in the pillow and turned over. I stared at the screen. I took a deep breath for a moment. What’s the occasion at this hour?

“Hello?”

I sat up in bed and leaned against the headboard. I pulled up one knee and rested my hand on it. I fiddled with my nails and then spread out my fingers.

I tilted my head to one side, looking at the ring on my ring finger.

Lim Dae-han asked in a low voice.

– I didn’t wake you up, did I?

“No, I was still awake.”

There was silence for a while on the other end. I adjusted my grip on the phone. I leaned back comfortably. After a beat, he spoke.

– I was worried because of the KakaoTalk messages you sent.

“KakaoTalk? Why?”

– You deleted the messages. I thought maybe you had something to say but erased it. Did you drink yesterday?”

“No. I really didn’t drink. …I just sent them by mistake.

– Can I really believe that?

“Yes.”

I lied to Lim Dae-han. I wanted to ask Lim Dae-han too. Can I trust you? What would Lim Dae-han say? Would he just say “yes” like I did?

A bitter laugh escaped out of my mouth right then and I lowered my head. In the midst of all this, I felt sorry for Lim Dae-han. He must be troubled because of his father’s situation, and I felt like I was adding to his burden. I didn’t want to think like this, but I felt like I was becoming an obstacle.