LCL 77

“Ugh…”

I woke up clutching my burning stomach. My body felt stiff and heavy. It didn’t feel like I had slept properly at all. The world was spinning and my eyes wouldn’t open easily. I simply scrunched up my face and held my head as I nursed my hangover.

I’m crazy, I’m insane. I had never drunk this much before. It was the first time I had drunk enough to black out.

The fortunate thing was that I wasn’t too hungover.

But did our home bed always this uncomfortable? Maybe it’s because my body is in pain. We bought this bed after visiting three furniture stores. I struggled to open my tightly closed eyelids. Something…

“…”

A lower-than-usual ceiling and unfamiliar lighting came into view. The wallpaper wasn’t white but had a yellowish tint. Hangover or not, my eyes adjusted to the lighting of this room.

I sat up abruptly. Instinctively, I pulled the blanket up to my chest. I wasn’t wearing anything on top.

I quickly scanned the unfamiliar room. No matter how I looked at it, I didn’t know where this was. Without even time to fix my messy hair, my eyes darted around. I was alone in the bed, but the kitchen hyung and the boss were sprawled on the floor.

Whose house is this?

Is it the kitchen hyung’s house? Or the boss’s house? I remembered they said they lived together. Whose house on earth is this?

Just then, the door opposite the bed opened. It looked like a sliding door, like an interior door.

“Uh…”

I let out a stupid sound without realizing it. I came face to face with Moon Ji-woo, whose expression was ‘rotten,’ to put it mildly. Moon Ji-woo looked down at me with a sour face as I looked around in confusion.

“You’re up?”

“…Yeah, but where…is this?”

“It’s my house.”

“Ah. …Oh, did everyone sleep here?”

“Yeah. You were all drunk out of your minds. The hyungs went home. Do you know how many people slept here?”

“…How many?”

“Six, including me.”

“Ah. T-Thanks….”

Moon Ji-woo opened the closet door and handed me a white short-sleeved t-shirt. It was one size larger than what I usually wear. Still covering my chest with the blanket, I struggled to extend my hand and take the clothes he offered.

“Wear this and go.”

“Um, where are my clothes…?”

Moon Ji-woo pointed to the sink with his chin. There was a crumpled black bag.

“What’s that?”

“Your clothes. The ones next to it are the boss’s.”

“Why is he like that?”

“The two of you threw up. I put them there so it’s easy to take them with you.”

“Ah, I see. But if you washed them, I could just wear those…”

“Why would I wash your clothes, Young-hyun?”

Moon Ji-woo addressed me with a tired voice but contradictory eyes. Right. Just because I threw up doesn’t mean Ji-woo had any reason to wash my clothes. After putting on the clothes, I adjusted my position to sit as if kneeling on the floor.

“…Sorry.”

I apologized immediately. Moon Ji-woo looked down at me with his arms crossed. Sigh. He let out a breath and shook his head.

I could read his thoughts just from looking at his face. His lips were pursed right then. 

“Okay, get out.” 

I slowly got up. I picked up my bag that had been thrown aside.

“And Young-hyun.”

“Yeah?”

“Your phone kept ringing all night. It was noisy, so I turned it off.”

But there was no one who would contact me. I casually took out my phone from my bag. I turned it on and picked up the bag containing my vomit-stained clothes.

Zing. Zing. Zing. Ziiing. Ziiing. Zing. Zing. The vibration rang incessantly. At first, I thought it was a call, but when I checked, it was full of missed calls and messages.

Most were from Lim Dae-han, and occasionally from my classmates.

Did I cause some kind of accident…? There’s no reason for so many contacts  like this this early morning…

I bit my lip hard. I was afraid to look at the messages. It seemed better to go home first, sort out the situation, and then check.

“Young-hyun.”

Moon Ji-woo called out to me as I was putting on my shoes in the narrow entrance.

“Yeah?”

“Next time you come to get your clothes, buy me a meal. Got it?”

“Yeah, sorry…I’ll buy you a meal next time. Thanks.”

As I left the studio apartment, I saw a narrow corridor with doors closely packed together. I leaned against the wall of the corridor.

“Ha…I’m crazy.”

A sigh escaped from my mouth.

* * *

Why am I such a coward? I thought as I stared at my phone in the taxi on the way home. Even though I hadn’t cheated or had any strange intentions, guilt was choking me.

It was fortunate that we lived separately. Because I didn’t have to face him when I got home. What kind of accident did I cause to receive so many calls and messages?

Did I make a drunken call and nag him? Did I mention his father? Dragging my anxiety out, I pressed the door lock password.

I should have contacted him in advance. Why didn’t I even do that?

Beep beep. With the sound of the door opening, I entered the house. I hesitated as soon as I stepped into the entrance. I stood still, staring at the shoes.

There were shoes at the entrance that weren’t there when I left yesterday. They were the shoes Lim Dae-han often wore. In other words, the shoes he had taken to his family home were neatly placed at the house entrance.

I dragged my feet into the house. I passed through the hallway to the living room. Lim Dae-han was sitting on the sofa.

“…”

“…”

Our eyes met as he sat with his back bent. Neither of us said anything. He slowly moved his eyes, scanning me up and down.

He didn’t nag or get angry about where I had been. I didn’t ask him when he arrived either.

“I’ve never seen that shirt before. Did you buy it?”

Lim Dae-han was probing me.

“No, um, Lim Dae-han…”

I opened my mouth to explain to him step by step. Lim Dae-han ruthlessly cut off my words.

“Then where did it come from? You said you didn’t buy it.”

“I borrowed it. You see, I…”

I fidgeted with my fingers at his cold response. I crinkled the bag I was holding. Lim Dae-han looked at the bag in my hand once more and asked again.

“Who did you borrow it from, and why?”

“…”

“I’m asking who you borrowed it from.”

When I couldn’t answer, his voice became forceful. My body tensed at his fierce questioning. No matter how I think about it, I always get scared first when faced with such coercive behavior.

I should tell him that I drank with the people from work, that we all drank together, six men, but my voice wouldn’t come out.

What should I do? My facial muscles twitched involuntarily. I struggled to get my voice out.

“…Moon Ji-woo.”

As soon as the words left my mouth, Lim Dae-han stood up abruptly. His face looked haggard as he approached with big strides. It had been a week and a few days since we last met.

I should have been happy just to see his face, but I couldn’t. I hesitated to hide the bag behind my back, but it was quickly taken away.

“What’s this?”

“Clothes…I threw up…and, and, the hyungs were there too.”

“Go wash up first.”

Lim Dae-han pointed to the main bedroom with his chin. It seemed he meant for me to take a cold shower and come to my senses. I ended up hanging my head low. I dragged my heavy feet into the room.

Rather than questions about why Lim Dae-han was here at this time, why there were so many missed calls in the early morning, only regret followed.

[Lim Dae-han: I’ll just be at home. Call me when your part-time job ends, I’ll come pick you up.]

[Lim Dae-han: Is your part-time job over?]

1 missed call

[Lim Dae-han: Are you eating dinner with the co-workers today too? Why can’t I reach you?]

1 missed call

[Lim Dae-han: The store is closed.]

[Lim Dae-han: I’m in front of your bar now.]

3 missed calls

[Lim Dae-han: Ki Young-hyun, did something happen?]

[Lim Dae-han: Just answer the phone for now.]

1 missed call

[Lim Dae-han: Tell me where you are, I’ll come pick you up.]

4 missed calls

[Lim Dae-han: Why are you turning off your phone, making me feel anxious?]

[Lim Dae-han: I’ll explain, just answer the phone.]

Missed calls…

[Lim Dae-han: Ki Young-hyun.]

After checking the messages Lim Dae-han had sent me, I held my head in my hands. Imagining the time he must have spent worrying was painful. Though I tried to dry my hair, water droplets still clung to the ends, falling with soft thuds.

I felt like bursting into tears. While I was drinking and having fun, thinking I didn’t need to worry about Lim Dae-han, he had been anxious.

There were also messages from my classmates in between. They said Lim Dae-han had contacted them asking where I was.

I bowed my head deeply as I sent a reply. I told him I had been drinking, that I couldn’t be reached because I was out drinking.

Lim Dae-han entered the room. He approached me as I sat alone inside the bathroom. I quickly put down my phone and tidied up the hair dryer. Our eyes met in the mirror.

“I rinsed your clothes by hand and they’re in the washing machine now.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

I expressed brief gratitude to him. Then I turned around in my chair. I bit my lip hard. Fiddling with my fingers, I added an excuse.

“And, uh, you know…”

“What have you been up to?”

Lim Dae-han asked, leaning against the wall. I looked up at him standing with one leg crossed. He indeed seemed very angry.

I couldn’t say anything. Lim Dae-han looked me over once and then spoke.

“Is the reason you told me not to come home so you could drink outside and stay out all night? And I was waiting here for you without knowing?”

“That’s not it…”

“You didn’t answer because you couldn’t be bothered, while I was stupidly worried. Did you see the messages? It’s ridiculous.”

Lim Dae-han said, pointing with his chin to the phone on the shelf.

“It’s not like that.”

“Do you have any idea what I was thinking all night? Whether something had happened to you, if you were working, if you’d come back home. Do you know how many times I went back and forth between your workplace and home? Why make excuses about me being a bother? Why lie? Did you think I’d stop you if you said you were staying out?”

“…”

“I’m not like that. As you said, guys drinking together and staying out, it can happen. What’s the need to lie?”

It felt like my throat was being choked. I forcibly swallowed once.

“Or was there a woman involved? Is even Moon Ji-woo just an excuse?”

This was the first time Lim Dae-han had questioned me so meticulously. He was making me out to be a liar. He seemed to think I had deliberately ignored his calls and messages and gone out to have some fun.

I bit down on my bottom lip hard. Of course, it was my fault for drinking and staying out without contacting him. But I didn’t drink because I had nothing to do or because I enjoyed socializing with people, I just wanted to get over missing him.

“You lied…”

“…”

“You lied too.”

I finally blurted it out in frustration. I could feel Lim Dae-han’s gaze fully focused on me, but I lowered my eyes as if avoiding his look.

“What lie did I tell?”

“Your father.”

Only after saying the word did I raise my head. Not wanting moisture to pool in my eyes, I blinked rapidly, trying hard to calm my emotions.

His pupils shook violently. He was wavering. It was all visible to me right then.

“You hid from me that your father was ill too. I heard he was even in the ICU. I know he’s in a rehabilitation hospital now for recovery. Why did you hide that from me? Did Dae-ryong really say he missed you? Is that really why you had to go home?”

Lim Dae-han furrowed his brow. His already fierce face crumpled into a scowl. I clenched my fists, my Adam’s apple bobbing.

“Why did I have to hear about this through someone else? Why didn’t you tell me anything?”

“…”

“Am I supposed to just wait for you at home? Am I supposed to just hold onto my phone not knowing when you’ll contact me? I did it because I was struggling too.”

Lim Dae-han moistened his lips with his tongue and then ran his hand through his hair.

“I don’t…”

“…”

“I don’t understand why I should tell you about that. It’s a family matter.”

His response was the worst I could have imagined. Saying that it was their family matter. so I didn’t need to worry about it. I put all my strength into my eyes, feeling like I might cry.

While I shared every detail of my family stories, Lim Dae-han had tightly wrapped up his difficult situation.

I had worried for weeks, pretending not to know in case I made a mistake or worried him needlessly. Even when I felt neglected, I endured without complaining, but for Lim Dae-han, it was just a simple reason.

Right, a family matter.

“You hid it because it’s a family matter?”

“I was going to tell you after some time passed. It’s not a big deal, just…”

“How much time? When? After your father is discharged?”

“Yeah.”

“Then you shouldn’t have shown any signs. I quietly waited for you when you were busy and couldn’t be reached because it was hard. I’m always just waiting for you here. I just waited for your contact, for you to suddenly visit. And now why are you angry at me? Why do you think I’m not behaving properly?”

“…”

“Fine, don’t say anything. There’s no need to. It’s not related to me anyway. I won’t care about your family matters either.”

I hadn’t intended to speak so harshly, but I questioned him in an agitated voice. The emotions that had built up toward him suddenly burst out.

“Ki Young-hyun.”

Lim Dae-han called my name in a low voice. I couldn’t hold back and stood up. It was hard for me to keep  my expressions under control.

“If I’m someone who doesn’t need to know about family matters, why did you come looking for me in the early morning?”

“…”

“What do you want to do with me?”

“…”

“Am I really your partner? Or am I just a hindrance to you?”

I confronted Lim Dae-han. Even friends didn’t do this. Friends shared when they had difficult times and comforted each other’s sorrows and pains.

They say shared sorrow is half sorrow, but I guess that didn’t apply to us. We hadn’t just been together for a day or two, or a month or two, so honestly, Lim Dae-han’s reaction was hurtful.

Was it my greed to want to be together not just in good times and happy times, but in difficult times too? Could there be a life without any hard or painful moments?

I thought we would be together even in those moments. But it seemed that Lim Dae-han didn’t think so.

“I don’t want to care about this or that anymore either.”

Lim Dae-han furrowed his brow. I swallowed hard, my Adam’s apple bobbing. I clenched my jaw.

“I think it’s better to be alone.”

“…”

“…It’s not much different from now anyway.”

Somehow I had hurt Lim Dae-han. And I wanted him to be hurt too. Because I was hurt, I wanted him to feel the same.

I quickly brushed past him to leave. That was when my arm was firmly grabbed.

“We’re not done talking. Don’t go.”

Lim Dae-han grabbed my arm as I was walking past. Pushed by the sudden force, I stumbled backward. My steps faltered and my body tilted. I fell, crashing into the corner of the bathroom. Bang! The back of my head hit against a hard surface.