LCL 78

I always knew that he was strong, but I didn’t expect to fall so ungracefully. Lim Dae-han was just as surprised.

What kind of situation is this?

Because I fell harder than expected, I clutched my head. I knew that Lim Dae-han didn’t do it on purpose. But if there hadn’t been the pulling force, my steps wouldn’t have faltered. 

Overwhelmed by the rush of emotions, I shouted loudly.

“Don’t use your strength on me!”

“Ki Young-hyun, listen…”

“You…you know I’m scared of this kind of thing, so why…?”

I finally broke down crying. I roughly rubbed my tear-stained cheeks. Tears kept falling from my eyes.

Lim Dae-han also knelt down and put his hand on my head.

“Let me see your head. I’ll check if you’re hurt.”

“Don’t…”

“I’m sorry. Just once, is your head okay?”

I bit down on my bottom lip. It was hard because tears kept flowing out of my eyes. Lim Dae-han embraced me and checked the back of my head. He probably wouldn’t be able to find anything just by looking like that.

“I said don’t…let go…I’m leaving now.”

I pushed his shoulder hard. Honestly, it didn’t even hurt. I was just feeling terrible.

Love seeped in like a spring drizzle, but a breakup was like a sudden downpour. I used to not understand when people said breakups were easy. But now it had come knocking at our door too.

I packed my things silently. Since it was too much to move all at once, I just organized my clothes for now. The clothes I had put in the washing machine dried quickly because there weren’t many.

I thought I might need to come back a few more times, but most of the things in the house were Lim Dae-han’s, except for the books. I had been living here with almost nothing but myself.

I locked the trunk filled with clothes and slung my bag over my shoulder. When I came out of the room, Lim Dae-han was sitting on the living room sofa. I looked at him as he gently touched his cheek.

Only after hitting my head against the wall did I come to my senses. The heat had dissipated and I became calmer instead. So now I had a better understanding of what just happened.

How did we end up like this? Or was it natural and I just placed too much meaning on the concept of dating? They say first loves don’t work out, so why did I think mine would last forever?

Sensing my presence, Lim Dae-han turned to look at me.

“Ki Young-hyun.”

“Yeah.”

“My father is being discharged at the end of this month.”

“…Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I thought it wasn’t a big deal. I didn’t want to worry you so I didn’t say anything.”

“I see.”

I answered softly. I adjusted the heavy bag on my shoulder. With the hand not holding the trunk handle, I gripped the bag strap.

“Were you going to tell me after he was discharged?”

“No.”

Lim Dae-han smiled sadly.

“I wasn’t planning to tell you. I was just going to let it pass.”

“What if I found out later?”

“Honestly, I hadn’t thought that far. I didn’t know it was all that noticeable.”

“You must have been surprised earlier. I know that.”

“Yeah. I was really surprised.”

He was being honest. I smiled along with him. The intense emotions that had surged up when I hit my head against the wall had subsided. Lim Dae-han’s bitter smile faded.

“If you leave here, are you just leaving, or…”

I bit my lip once before releasing it.

“…Are we breaking up?”

I couldn’t say anything. Three years. Our three-year relationship flashed before my eyes.

Meeting early in the morning to go to school together, sharing snacks at school, studying, dozing off, talking and chatting, being together until we went home, and even after getting home, constantly exchanging messages and calls.

We had such an ordinary romance. I still loved Lim Dae-han. I wanted to become family with Lim Dae-han. Even if we couldn’t be legally recognized, because not all families were like that.

Even if it was just my delusion, the time I spent with Lim Dae-han was so enjoyable and happy. Even if I met someone else, I wouldn’t be able to love them as much as Lim Dae-han, and I wouldn’t meet anyone who would love me as much as Lim Dae-han did.

There were times when you needed to clean things up neatly. We both felt that now was exactly that time.

Lim Dae-han smiled once more. The corners of his mouth trembled slightly, but he seemed to want to smile, so I smiled back at him.

“Just go.”

“…”

“Go quickly. I’m not planning to change the password and I’ll be staying at my family home, so come get the rest of your things whenever it’s convenient.”

Our passionate and refreshing first love that started at eighteen thus ended when we turned twenty. Silence fell like in a theater after the curtain call when all the audience had left.

Breakups were indeed easy. Just a couple of hours ago, we were desperate to hurt each other, but now facing the breakup, we were trying to show each other only smiling faces.

“Okay, take care.”

I said goodbye to Lim Dae-han and headed to the entrance. The last I saw of Lim Dae-han before leaving the living room was him covering his face with both hands and bowing his head. He stayed in that position. As I put on my shoes, I could hear the sound of him swallowing his sobs.

At eighteen, we would have cried out loud, but now we made no sound. I quickly wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand. It seemed the best thing I could do for him was to leave quickly.

* * *

We broke up.

Lying on the bed, I spread my hand in the air. There was nothing on my fingers anymore. At first, it felt strange not to have anything on my ring finger, but now I had gotten used to it again. The breakup felt real.

I would probably get used to Lim Dae-han not being around someday too. Someday, I’ll bury this as a distant first love and move on. Honestly, I was still sad. I covered my eyes with both palms.

“Hah…”

I let out a long sigh. Just then, I sensed movement outside. Mom said she was going out to eat with the real estate aunt. I got up and dragged my feet to poke my head out the door.

“What is it?”

It turned out to be my brother. I had been forcing myself to maintain my usual appearance to avoid worrying my parents if they saw me looking depressed. The moment I saw my brother, I forgot about all of this and narrowed my eyes slightly.

“Why are you here?”

“Mom told me to bring some side dishes. She said he had been eating well lately.”

“Who?”

“Who else? Yoon Ye-jun. How can she love him more than her own son?”

My brother pretended to grumble. He was actually quite pleased but was acting otherwise. Honestly, he loved Yoon Ye-jun more than Mom did. It was quite a sight to see up close.

I had nothing to do now. The only thing I had been doing after the breakup was my part-time job, but even that was taken back by my classmate as the semester was about to start. There was no more need for me to fill in.

On the last day, I had dinner with Moon Ji-woo before work, and when I returned his clothes and told him we had broken up, he told me to join the army. He said everyone goes through these types of things at this age.

“Are you staying at home?”

“Yeah.”

“What about Lim Dae-han?”

“…”

“By the way, why haven’t you been with Lim Dae-han lately…”

“Hyung.”

My brother frowned instantly. It was scary, but I didn’t have the energy to be afraid.

“Why are you interrupting me, you brat?”

“No, hyung.”

“What’s the matter?”

“We broke up.”

My brother, who had been rummaging through the kitchen shelves, paused. I hung my head. I looked down at my toes. I could feel his gaze on me, but I didn’t look up to meet his gaze.

I decided to stop staying up all night crying. I told Lim Dae-han that he’d be more comfortable alone, but that wasn’t true for me either.

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh, I see.”

My brother hated people who acted stupidly the most, but he responded stupidly himself.

“Oh, I see. So that’s how it is.”

He kept muttering to himself. Annoyed by his behavior, I started to tense up.

“I contacted Lim Dae-han.”

“When?”

“The day before yesterday.”

“Why?”

“To have a meal together.”

“Why are you eating with him?”

“We would eat together occasionally, you punk.”

Right. That’s true. Although they seemed incompatible, they surprisingly met up outside. They occasionally met just to have a meal together.

I had no idea what they talked about, but it seemed they had fairly satisfactory meetings. My brother would probably just nag. Lim Dae-han would respond with “Yes, okay.” But now, they probably didn’t have anything to talk about. A bitter smile escaped from my lips.

“Hey, want some ramen?”

“Yeah.”

My brother handed me three packets of ramen.

“Cook it.”

Oh, he wanted me to cook it. Being the youngest was pitiful. I took out a pot and filled it with water. I put it on the gas range and turned on the fire.

After adjusting the flame to be neither too strong nor too weak, I cautiously asked my brother,

“What did you talk about with Lim Dae-han?”

“He said he’s going to work.”

“Oh.”

“He wants to meet once since his dad is being discharged next week.”

“Did you know Lim Dae-han’s father was ill?”

“How would I know? Just bring out the bowls and set the chopsticks.”

My brother sat in the chair without lifting a finger. Bring water, bring chopsticks, bring bowls, don’t make the ramen too spicy, only use two packets of seasoning.

I always wondered if he acted like this in front of Yoon Ye-jun too. If he did, he would surely get smacked.

“Hyung.”

It was sad that in the end, Ki Young-han was the only person I could talk to. Because he was the only one who knew about me and Lim Dae-han. It would be awkward to suddenly call Yoon Ye-jun and pour out my frustrations. I tried my best to make the noodles chewy, just as my brother wanted.

My brother just fiddled with his phone without answering.

“Hyung, you know…”

“Yeah. No. Go get some kimchi. Bring it in a separate dish.”

“Ah, really, Ki Young-han…”

“What did you just say?”

My brother glared daggers at me. His up-and-down look was so fierce that I immediately bowed my head. I made it a point to hustle after that.

I quickly scooped some kimchi and brought it to the table. I turned off the heat before the noodles got soggy and moved the pot. I placed the pot in the center of the table and sat down facing my brother.

“Hyung, you know. Listen to me for a bit.”

“Hey, there’s no ladle.”

“Oh, come on!”

“Get the ladle.”

I eventually got up and fetched the ladle. My brother, perhaps feeling guilty about ordering me around so much, served noodles onto my bowl first. I was picking at the noodles when I continued speaking.

“Hyung, you know. The reason I broke up with Lim Dae-han…that reason is quite significant.”

“What is it?”

“Lim Dae-han didn’t tell me his father was ill.”

“Why?”

“He said he didn’t feel the need to tell me.”

“Maybe he didn’t want you to worry.”

He spoke so casually, as if it wasn’t his problem.

“Would you be okay if Ye-jun didn’t tell you his grandfather was ill? He doesn’t explain why, but he’s hard to reach. You meet less often. But then you hear from someone else that his grandfather is ill, and when you fight about it later, Ye-jun says he never intended to tell you. Says it’s a family matter.”

My brother, who had been listening quietly, furrowed his brow deeply. He seemed annoyed when he thought about it from this perspective, even though he had been responding carelessly to me this whole time.

Suddenly, I lost my appetite. My brother put down his chopsticks and crossed his arms. He seemed to think for a moment before burying his face in his bowl again.

He slurped up the ramen from his bowl.

“Hey, but you know.”

“Yeah?”

“Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you have to tell them everything.”

“…What do you mean?”

My brother stirred the noodles with his chopsticks.

“Even our parents don’t tell us everything just because we’re their children. Did you know Mom had surgery when I was in high school?”

“…I didn’t know that.”

It was the first time I’d heard about this.

“See, you didn’t know and I didn’t know either. I was living in the school dormitory, and you were in elementary school, so they didn’t tell us. I only found out about it a few months ago.”

“…Oh, I really didn’t know.”

“So, it doesn’t mean our parents don’t trust us or think we’re not worth telling, right?”

I could only nod at my brother, who was trying to persuade me with words for once. I suppose it could be like that.

“Then are you saying you wouldn’t mind if Ye-jun did the same?”

“No. I’d make a fuss. I’d ask what we’re supposed to talk about if he doesn’t even tell me things like that.”

I felt the same way. I wished Lim Dae-han had told me. Lim Dae-han didn’t talk about it because he thought I might worry and that there was no need, but I felt differently.

If Lim Dae-han had been struggling because of it, I would have embraced him. And I would have spent a lot of time with Dae-ryong too. If his mother allowed, I would have been okay living with him in the upstairs apartment.

It would have been a bit better if there was a friend around, rather than just my brother coming home alone.

Did Lim Dae-han only want to give me joy? I loved not just his caring and affectionate actions, but also his vulnerable side.

“Why dwell on it when you’ve broken up? Just eat your ramen.”

My brother poured some broth into my bowl.

“Are you really going to meet Lim Dae-han next week?”

“Don’t know. We’ll see.”

“Even though we broke up?”

“Oh, so what if you guys broke up?”

My brother put down his chopsticks with a clatter. I was genuinely amazed. Has he gone crazy? Is it normal to react like this when your sibling has gone through a breakup?

As I stared blankly, my brother gulped down the broth as if annoyed.

“Hyung.”

“…”

“Does Lim Dae-han seem to be doing well? How did his voice sound?”

“How would I know that?”

“Well, you can tell from someone’s voice…”

“Hey, go to your room.”

My brother finally lost his patience. From Ki Young-han’s perspective, he had been quite patient. He glared at me and pointed to my room, so I immediately lowered my head.

I deliberately stuffed my mouth full of ramen noodles. My brother clicked his tongue briefly and continued eating. One way or another, I was always the one getting scolded.

Leaving my brother to do the dishes, I went to my room. As soon as I entered, I opened the first drawer of my desk. It contained letters exchanged with Lim Dae-han, photos taken with him, and memories shared with high school friends.

I reached deep into the drawer and pulled out a ring.

Clutching the ring in my hand, I sat on the edge of the bed.

I couldn’t return it. At the time, I forgot to take it off, and when I went to pack the rest of my things, I couldn’t bring myself to leave it behind. I understood intellectually that I should return it, but I didn’t want to.

I just wanted to keep it buried deep in the drawer and take it out to look at sometimes.

I fiddled with the ring on the tip of my finger. I stared blankly at the ceiling. These days, I mostly just stared at the ceiling. Before meeting Lim Dae-han, I was a high school student, so at least I studied, but now…well, I had to wait until the semester started.

“…I wish the semester would just begin already.”

If I were busy, my emotions might dull a bit. Of course, there was the clear downside of having to see Lim Dae-han from afar, but still…