LCL 80

If I were to write a self-introduction, it would probably go like this: Ki Young-hyun (19 years old, male), shameless and inconsiderate.

I fiddled with the ring in my pocket. I needed to be careful not to lose it. I finally moved the ring from where it was safely nestled in my pocket to the front pocket of my duffel bag. After zipping it up neatly, I felt a bit less worried.

Since I said I had something to return, I guess I should return it.

“When are they coming anyway…?”

The meeting time was noon, but I was the only one who was on time. It was 12:30, and except for Jung Ji-pil who went to the bathroom, the rest of the guys were nowhere to be seen. Since I was tagging along uninvited, I couldn’t contact them to ask where they were.

I was starting to wonder if they had arranged to meet somewhere else without me. Fortunately, we were supposed to meet in the supermarket parking lot, so it wasn’t hot.

Just as it turned 12:35, the rest of the guys showed up. They were carrying large boxes, as if they had just finished doing some shopping.

“Hey, come quickly!”

Jung Ji-pil raised his voice. Park Yeo-seon and Lee Deok, who were chattering in front, trudged over. Lim Dae-han, who was following behind, hesitated.

It was the first time seeing him in a month. Lim Dae-han paused for a moment with his cap pulled low, then started walking again. He passed by me without even a greeting or a gesture.

If we hadn’t dated, this was how our relationship would have ended. It was like that in high school too. If I hadn’t left school early on that hot early summer day, we might have just known each other’s names and drifted apart.

Park Yeo-seon, who had finished packing the luggage in the trunk, came over and stuck close.

“Young-hyun, it’s been a while? First time since the festival, right?”

“Oh, yeah…Hi.”

After an awkward greeting, I glanced at Lim Dae-han from the corner of my eye. His cheeks visible under the cap seemed to have lost some weight. His already fierce face looked even sharper, perhaps because he looked so haggard.

Without a word, he loaded the luggage and got into the driver’s seat. Lee Deok sat in the passenger seat, and I squeezed into the back seat with Park Yeo-seon and Jung Ji-pil. Actually, the car wasn’t that cramped, but it felt that way.

As soon as we got in the car, questions poured out, as if everyone had suddenly heard about Lim Dae-han’s enlistment.

“Why are you going so suddenly?”

“Well, my dad’s been discharged from the hospital. And considering my parents’ age, I thought it would be better to go and come back quickly. It’s better than dragging it out.”

“Is he okay?”

“Yeah. He’s been going to work since last week.”

Lee Deok and Park Yeo-seon asked the questions I wanted to ask about his well-being. It seemed he casually told his friends about his father’s condition, which he had kept hidden from me.

In reality, it probably wasn’t casual at all…No matter how I think about it, I couldn’t be a source of strength for him. I was more of a burden. I tried hard to swallow a sigh.

“Ki Young-hyun must feel bad. With Lim Dae-han suddenly enlisting.”

My eyes met Lee Deok’s through the rearview mirror. Stuck in the middle, I found it hard to manage my expression, so I looked down at my knees. There was nothing on them, but I picked at my knees with my nails anyway.

“Why didn’t you coordinate with Lim Dae-han? When are you planning to go? You’re both guys, so why didn’t you just enlist together?”

I glanced at Jung Ji-pil from the corner of my eye. Jung Ji-pil, who usually chattered away, was just staring out the window. He was no help at all. Unlike me, who was just fidgeting and watching for reactions, Lim Dae-han joined the conversation.

“Why would he coordinate with me? He’ll go when it’s his time.”

“Why not? If you’re going to wait anyway, it would be nice to go together. Aren’t you going to miss each other?”

“Hey.”

Lim Dae-han called Lee Deok in a fierce voice.

“Huh?”

Lee Deok responded in a dumb voice.

“We broke up, so don’t butt in.”

“Whoa.”

Lee Deok showed a similar reaction to Jung Ji-pil. When told about the breakup, everyone just said “Whoa.” Park Yeo-seon also looked at me with wide eyes, as if hearing this for the first time.

I thought he knew since he came over to talk, but I guessed not. Maybe he just thought we had a fight.

Since Park Yeo-seon and Jung Ji-pil had already taken the window seats, I looked down at my phone screen. I put force into my fingers as I replied to messages from my classmates. Lee Deok, who lacked tact, said something he didn’t need to.

“If you broke up, why did he follow?”

“How would I know? Just pour some water.”

A water bottle was passed between the two. After obediently opening the cap, Lee Deok handed the bottle to Lim Dae-han. After that, he too remained silent.

Since it was right after the bombshell announcement, only silence followed. I nudged Jung Ji-pil’s arm. Please, at least you try to lighten the mood a bit. Jung Ji-pil noticeably flinched and then raised his voice.

“Lim Dae-han, play some music. Let’s listen to music along the way.”

Lim Dae-han turned on the audio without answering. Ding, the guidance sound rang. Since it would be troublesome to connect Bluetooth directly, Lim Dae-han handed over his phone. But music played from a phone that wasn’t connected to the device.

“What’s this?”

Lim Dae-han said as he pulled out of the parking lot. No way. No way…I checked the Bluetooth list, swallowing my tension.

“Oh, this…it’s connected to mine.”

I wet my lips. My eyes met Lim Dae-han’s. Lim Dae-han closed his eyes deeply, then opened them and said, “Delete it. Connect it to mine.”

“Okay.”

I deleted Lim Dae-han’s car from the Bluetooth connection list. It reconnected to Lim Dae-han’s phone, and Lee Deok became in charge of the background music.

Lee Deok played an upbeat dance song with a summer vibe, and Jung Ji-pil sang along at the top of his lungs, but not a single person clapped in time to the music.

* * *

I sat under the sofa, curled up, watching TV. With no program appearing to be particularly appealing, I just spent time quietly with a variety show that didn’t evoke strong likes or dislikes playing.

Come to think of it, when I came here at eighteen, I was the one who insisted on joining. I wasn’t originally part of the group going on the trip, but I pushed to join. It was the same this time.

Here, no one looked after me. There was no one to ask why I wasn’t out having fun or why I wasn’t doing anything.

But it was also uncomfortable to approach those guys frolicking like fish in water on the beach and act overly friendly.

Honestly, I wasn’t close with them. I didn’t get along well with the rest of them either. Even in high school, I would either chat with close friends in the corner of the classroom or just stay quiet. When Lim Dae-han, Park Yeo-seon, Lee Deok, and Jung Ji-pil gathered separately to drink or hang out, I was left out.

I didn’t want to hear Park Yeo-seon and Lee Deok’s harsh way of speaking or see Jung Ji-pil showing off, and I hated myself for being jealous of my friends. Lim Dae-han probably felt more comfortable without me too.

Come to think of it, Lim Dae-han and I had nothing in common.

The duffel bag was within arm’s reach. I picked up the bag and opened the front pocket. I rummaged around inside.

My fingertips caught on a ring. I took it out and looked at it quietly. Would I be able to return this today? It was the only excuse I had.

“…”

The chances of handing it over were slim since I hadn’t spoken a word to Lim Dae-han today. We didn’t have a single conversation. There was no chance to get close, so there was no reason to speak separately. I just watched from afar.

At that moment, the door connecting to the outside opened. I hurriedly stuffed the ring I was holding into the front pocket. I quickly zipped it up.

“What are you doing here?”

Lim Dae-han came in wearing only bottoms with a large towel draped over his shoulders. He had taken off the hat he had been wearing all day. His already short hair had become even shorter. It was so short it would barely reach 2 centimeters at most.

As if he didn’t really want to hear my answer, he ignored me as I tried to choose my words carefully, took out underwear from his bag, and went into the bathroom.

Shhhh—The sound of water falling could be heard from beyond the door. I grabbed the remote and turned up the TV volume. But my attention was entirely focused on the bathroom.

Hoo—I exhaled and sat up straight. Soon after, he came out shaking his head.

“Why aren’t you out having fun? We came all the way to the beach.”

Lim Dae-han asked surprisingly calmly. He frowned and shook his ears to get rid of the moisture.

“Just because.”

I also tried to answer calmly. Lim Dae-han laughed shortly, as if exhaling.

“Are you avoiding them?”

I laughed too. There was no reason to avoid those guys. Except for Jung Ji-pil, I might not have been close with them, but hadn’t we known each other for years?

Lim Dae-han picked up the air conditioner remote from the table. I followed him with my eyes like a shadow. Lim Dae-han lowered his head.

“Ki Young-hyun, are you cold?”

“No.”

“I’m going to lower the AC temperature a bit more. It’s still hot.”

Since it wasn’t hot or cold, I nodded my head. Lim Dae-han pointed to his bag with the hand holding the remote.

“If you’re cold, there’s a hoodie in there…Never mind.”

He didn’t finish his sentence. Knowing what he meant, I bit my lip. Now there was no need to lend me a hoodie. No need to look after me for staying inside instead of going out to play.

That was what a breakup was. I forced out a smile for no reason. Now that he spoke to me first, I was finally able to open my mouth. I carefully began to speak.

“You cut your hair short.”

“Yeah. I figured it’d be better to just cut it short than to keep touching it up. And get used to how it looks on my face.”

“Doesn’t look like I washed it though,” Lim Dae-han added unnecessarily. It wasn’t awkward since his hair had always been on the shorter side, both in high school and after entering university.

As I was wondering if I should tell him it suited him, Lim Dae-han came up to me. He sat down next to me wearing only his underwear. He leaned back on his arms, then did a butterfly pose before tilting his head toward me.

“Want to touch it?”

I slowly reached out my hand and placed it on Lim Dae-han’s hair. My palm tickled. His hair stuck up and flattened around my fingers. It had definitely gotten shorter. The feeling was different from how it used to feel.

“It’s short…”

As I muttered, Lim Dae-han lifted his head. Our eyes met. We were sitting too close together. For a moment, my breath caught in my throat. Gulp, my Adam’s apple bobbed.

“H-How have you been?”

I asked belatedly. Lim Dae-han lay down completely, spreading his arms. I couldn’t see his face. I could only hear his voice.

“Just, you know.”

“I heard you were busy.”

“Oh. But it’s okay now. Dad’s been discharged from the hospital too.”

“Is your father alright now?”

“Yeah. He actually gotten better after resting a bit.”

“Ah, that’s a relief.”

“How have you been?”

“…I’ve been busy too.”

“Your brother said you’ve been lounging around.”

There was a hint of mockery in his voice. I slightly furrowed my brows.

“My brother?”

“Yeah. He said you’re not doing anything and just lazing around at home.”

Ugh…It seems like they met and gossiped about me. I wrinkled my nose and rubbed my eyes with the back of my hand. If we had been friends before becoming lovers, would we have had conversations like this?

I wiggled my toes. I rested my chin on my knees and looked at Lim Dae-han. He had his eyes closed and it looked like he was enjoying the air conditioning.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were going to the military?”

“I applied on impulse and got in. Who would’ve thought I’d be entering in less than two weeks?”

“Why did you suddenly apply?”

Lim Dae-han finally opened his eyes. He sat up and looked at me quietly. He tensed his jaw slightly, then relaxed it.

“Because I hate you.”

“…”

“Just kidding. It’s like I said earlier. It’s better to go and come back quickly.”

Lim Dae-han laughed playfully. I lowered my head. After a moment of silence, Lim Dae-han spoke up.

“I’m glad you seem okay.”

“I seem okay?”

I asked him back.

“Are you not okay?”

It was quite different from the playful conversation we were having earlier. I had no idea what to expect. Sometimes it felt real, sometimes it didn’t.

So I wasn’t struggling yet. There were times when I was sad, but there were also times when I felt comfortable because I wasn’t suffering from the emotions I felt at the end of our relationship.

I missed Lim Dae-han at times, but then I hated him. It felt like the time we spent together was disregarded. I cried while pondering what I meant to him. At dawn, I would find myself hesitating with my phone in hand.

It seemed like I could meet him anytime with just one phone call. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it in the end. I really didn’t know how I felt.

Instead of answering, I asked back.

“…What about you?”

Lim Dae-han shrugged his shoulders.

“It’s as you see. I don’t know what this is, though.”

He soon rummaged through his bag and put on some clothes. Then he passed by me sitting quietly. He opened the door and raised his voice toward the guys playing outside.

“Come in and wash up, you @#$%&!” I watched Lim Dae-han’s back as I listened to the rough curses he threw out.

You’ve lost weight. The area under your eyes is dark too. You keep hardening your expression when I talk to you. Yet you pretend to be okay. If I have to accept what I see, that’s all I can see.

I wanted to say this, but then I changed my mind. Because maybe the Lim Dae-han I was seeing now could also be just what I wanted to see.

As most people do at pensions, we simply grilled meat and ate sashimi bought from a nearby fish center. As it turned out, grilling the meat was Lim Dae-han and Park Yeo-seon’s job.