LCL 81

The two drank alcohol while grilling meat with oven mitts on. I, Lee Deok, Jung Ji-pil, and the rest of the guys just received and ate the meat. Every time I adjusted my posture, I felt the ring burning a hole through my pocket.

I brought it with me thinking there might be a chance to give the ring back if we were left alone while eating dinner, but looking at the atmosphere, it didn’t seem like there would be such a situation.

“Dae-han, stop that and come drink. Why are you grilling meat when you’re entering the training center the day after tomorrow?”

“It’s better than watching you guys make a fuss about whether it’s burnt or not.”

“By the way, what are you going to do without anyone to contact once you’re in?”

I, who had been eating meat without even dipping it in ssamjang, raised my head. Lee Deok was looking at me even though he was talking to Lim Dae-han. Then he shifted his gaze to Lim Dae-han.

Lim Dae-han was excellent at grilling meat. The meat he grilled melted in your mouth without being tough and had just the right amount of char flavor.

“Dae-han, say ‘ah.’”

“Why are you being so gross? Seriously.”

“Come on, just eat it quickly.”

Lee Deok wrapped some meat in a lettuce leaf for Lim Dae-han. Everyone frowned, but Lee Deok just grinned. It was gross, but I didn’t think Lee Deok had any personal feelings for Lim Dae-han.

He had always lived trying to please Lim Dae-han.

Lim Dae-han, who had been grumbling, opened his mouth and ate the wrapped meat. Then he clinked glasses with Park Yeo-seon and downed some soju.

“Should I introduce you to someone?”

“Who would want to be introduced? I’m going into the military.”

“Why not? People will line up to keep in touch with you. You know that, are you pretending not to?”

Lim Dae-han chuckled at Lee Deok’s words. He didn’t deny it. It seemed like Lee Deok was determined to introduce new people to Lim Dae-han.

The word ‘introduce’ made me nervous. Seeing him not denying it made my chest feel tight. 

Well, when he was with me, there was no need to introduce or be introduced to anyone.

I wrinkled my nose. I didn’t know who mixed the soju and beer, but it tasted especially sweet today…It went down really smoothly.

“Or do you only date men now? Want me to introduce you to some guys?”

“Stop talking nonsense. What men?”

Lim Dae-han finally got irritated. Maybe because of the special circumstance of having drinks at the pension house, Lee Deok was being especially snarky today. Even though that reaction meant he should stop.

“Oh, so you’ve broken up now? Ki Young-hyun, are you okay?”

“…What about me?”

I asked, raising my eyebrows at the sudden spotlight shining on me. When I was hiding in the corner, no one came to talk to me, but now the topic unnecessarily turned to me.

I decided to drink to avoid reacting. Only Lee Deok raised his voice more.

“I’m asking if it’s okay to introduce Lim Dae-han to women. You’re just friends now, right? What’s with dating…? You too, let me know if you need me to introduce you to someone. I’ll…”

“Hey, I don’t need that. What introductions? It’s annoying.”

Suddenly Lim Dae-han lost his temper. He had been talking fine until now, but suddenly he snapped. Lee Deok was startled and clamped his mouth shut, while Park Yeo-seon clicked his tongue from across.

“Just do it in moderation, you bastard.”

“…What did I do?”

“Then Lim Dae-han, do you plan to date after being discharged?”

Is there nothing to talk about besides dating? These guys were already twenty, yet all they talked about was dating, introductions, meetings whenever they got the chance. I clicked my tongue at the childishness. They seemed to have no interest in dreams, futures, or personal philosophies.

My expression hardened. It wasn’t because I was annoyed. I picked up some meat pretending to be uninterested, and then threw it back. I found a piece of lean meat again, dipped it generously in ssamjang, and ate it. No matter how I thought about it, it felt like I came for nothing.

“Well, we’ll see then.”

Lim Dae-han said as he put meat on the grill. Only I was looking at him. I sucked in my lower lip. After repeating it a few times, I bit my lip.

It’s been almost a month since we broke up, so is it okay now? Has it only been a month? Because he loved passionately and gave his all, was the breakup refreshing for him?

I really didn’t want to say anything. Really. If Lim Dae-han gets a girlfriend…if he does…I should congratulate him, right?

“…Are you going to accept the blind date?”

I looked straight at Lim Dae-han. I knew my question would shatter the mood that had been lifted by the alcohol, but I was still curious.

Clack clack, Lim Dae-han closed and opened the tongs. Jung Ji-pil lowered his jaw and just kept an eye on the atmosphere. There was a chance to take back my words, but I didn’t.

Lim Dae-han pushed his tongue into his cheek. Our eyes met briefly before turning to the meat.

“I can’t stay alone forever.”

“Then can I date other people too?”

Lim Dae-han’s expression hardened, and he looked at me with a harsh face.

“What are you two doing?”

Park Yeo-seon cut in. The atmosphere had suddenly grown cold. It wouldn’t be easy to revive it now. Whether Lim Dae-han knew this or if he really didn’t think anything of it, he erased his expression and teased playfully.

“Why are you asking me that? You should decide for yourself.”

When I came back from the bathroom, everyone except Park Yeo-seon was gone. I looked around pretending not to care. They could have at least told me ahead of time that they were heading out, but I sat down awkwardly. Park Yeo-seon spoke as he put down a plate of meat he had moved to the table.

“The guys went out for a smoke.”

“Lim Dae-han too?”

“He said he was bored and followed them.”

“…”

It looked like he might smoke too. Honestly, I was in no position to say anything now. But I couldn’t help my expression.

I began to recall Lim Dae-han when he was eighteen. Is he trying to go back to that time? Well, now there was no one to scold him for drinking or smoking.

Rather, I must have made him uncomfortable suddenly showing up at this gathering to send him off before enlistment.

I slipped my hand into my pocket. I grasped the ring. I wanted to throw it into the far sea. Without needing to give the ring. Without being able to use it as an excuse.

“Young-hyun.”

“Yeah?”

“Are you still uncomfortable with us? You’re Lim Dae-han’s friend.”

Now that we were alone, Park Yeo-seon asked quite seriously. If I had to choose between Lee Deok and Park Yeo-seon, I preferred Park Yeo-seon. He had a bit more decorum. Lee Deok was just like Jung Ji-pil.

“No, I’m not uncomfortable.”

I shook my head.

“That’s good then.”

Unlike our quiet conversation, Jung Ji-pil and Lee Deok’s laughter could be heard not far away.

Their voices echoed loudly through this rural village with only a few pension houses and nothing else visible, they were laughing so hard.

“But really, why did you come? Didn’t you come to make up with Lim Dae-han?”

“…I don’t know either.”

I heard suddenly that Lim Dae-han was enlisting in the army, and I wanted to say goodbye before he left. Honestly, we’d probably be almost like strangers once he got discharged. I wanted to give him the ring and wrap things up cleanly.

But now I wasn’t sure of the reason. Did I want to say a final goodbye, or did I just want to see him one more time?

In the end, my mood sank. A bitter laugh escaped. It was time to accept the breakup. I just had to accept it.

I felt like I might cry. Why did I tell Lim Dae-han to break up? Regret followed. It wasn’t that I wanted him to hold onto me. It wasn’t like I was being childish and begging him to pay more attention to me.

At the time, it was too hard and I thought it was the best choice. But as time passed, it seemed like it wasn’t such a big deal.

Was it really not a big deal…? Isn’t that just hindsight talking?

I stood up, steadying myself on the table.

“I’m not feeling well, so I’m going for a walk. I’ll take my phone, so call if anything happens.”

I finally turned my back on the pension house and walked out onto the wide sandy beach. I could still hear the laughter. Lim Dae-han must be laughing along with them.

I was the one who needed to sort out my feelings. I put the ring we had shared on the first joint of my index finger. I rolled it over my finger with every move.

Accept the breakup. You left his house nicely, with a smile, didn’t you? As I walked aimlessly, I remembered the gazebo on the beach. It was too dark to see. I think it was at the end of the beach. Should I go there?

I stopped in my tracks as I walked along the beach. The sea breeze was quite strong. I turned toward the sea.

The night sky was spread out like embroidered stars. The sea, having swallowed the darkness, rippled with waves. I couldn’t see the end of the sea.

The sea let out a sound so strong it was scary, but the countless stars spread across the sky poured out light like signposts.

I stared blankly at the pitch-black sea. Just then, a wave rushed all the way up to my ankles. Ack, I screamed shortly and stepped back, but the water had already risen.

The wave crashed with a force that seemed like it would sweep everything away, then subsided. The ring that had been barely hanging on my finger fell off.

“Uh…”

I bent over, but I couldn’t see well. Even after turning on my phone’s flashlight and looking around, I couldn’t spot it. It should have been buried in the sand due to its weight.

“I can’t lose it…”

I muttered as I took a step forward. If I lose even that, I would lose all my excuses. Since I was already wet, I put on my shoes and walked in.

I knew I had to be careful, but the alcohol made me a bit braver. Anyway, because of the ring’s weight, it should be nearby.

I wasn’t drunk enough to stumble or lose my senses, so it should be fine. The thought of finding the ring outweighed my fear of the sea.

I turned on the flashlight on my phone and walked around, feeling the ground to find the ring. Waves came and went several times. Each time they retreated, they took a handful of sand with them.

Oh…

I thought I hadn’t gone in too far, but the water was already up to my waist. I hadn’t found the ring, but my lower body was completely soaked. Looking around, I was in the middle of a pitch-black sea.

It felt like one wave could drag me out. The beach seemed incredibly far away. The water surface was rough as it wasn’t a well-maintained beach.

The sudden fear made my head spin. The sensation of death, which I felt for the first time in my life, took my breath away. I had thought death was something far in the future, unrelated to me, but it suddenly came right up to my nose.

I tried to swim to save my life, but I kept kicking in vain. I was clearly moving forward, but the rough waves of the night sea kept pushing my body backward. I flailed my arms and legs.

Is this how I die? Like this…

There was no one to save me. No one to reach out their hand. With each wave, my whole body got wet. Salty seawater, painful beyond just saltiness, rushed into every opening on my face. Even if I managed to float for a moment, I was soon swept away by the waves.

Splutter, splutter…I struggled in the middle of the sea, unable to even call for help. My feet seemed to touch the bottom, but then they didn’t.

One wrong move and I felt I would sink. I was scared of drifting further away. Maybe I had half given up. My whole body ached, and the seawater pulled at me as if grabbing my shins and dragging me.

Death was something that came so suddenly, without me even realizing it. When I came to the pension house with my friends today, would I have ever thought I’d die like this in the sea?

Regret came immediately. Why did I tell Lim Dae-han to break up? Why did I talk about separation when we barely had enough time to love?

I should have told him I loved him more. Is this what they call your life flashing before your eyes? To think that Lim Dae-han is the last person I’m remembering.

…I guess Lim Dae-han was destined to be my first and last love.

“Ki Young-hyun…!”

I heard a voice not far away. I quickly waved the phone in my hand. There was still no hand reaching out to me, but it was comforting because it was Lim Dae-han’s voice.

Unable to say “save me,” “help me,” or “is anyone there?”, I had been just breathing erratically, but now I finally managed to get my voice out.

“Lim Dae-han, help me…!”

Lim Dae-han was like a great hero. I had learned somewhere before that when saving someone from drowning, you shouldn’t jump in directly but throw something nearby to them, but he jumped right in as if nothing else mattered.

That was a foolish action. I floated my body toward Lim Dae-han once more. Another wave came and went. Seawater rushed into my mouth and nose. My feet had long since lost touch with the bottom.

Lim Dae-han, who I thought was far away, suddenly came close. He reached out and grabbed the back of my neck. Then, unlike me who had been flailing, he cut through the waves and led me toward the beach.

I held on without struggling. My nose hurt from swallowing too much seawater, but I endured it.

Lim Dae-han threw me onto the beach. I knelt down and gasped for breath.

“Huff…gasp…”

My whole body was wet, making the surroundings damp. Clear saliva leaked from my mouth. I really, really almost died.

“Are you crazy? What were you doing?!”

Lim Dae-han grabbed hold of my shoulders and shook me. He yelled loudly. My body fell back limply. Still unable to contain his anger, he paced around aggressively.

I no longer tasted the saltiness of the seawater. My feet weren’t ambiguously touching or not touching the bottom anymore. I wouldn’t be pushed back even if I floated.

I regained a sense of relief like a child who had found their parents. I felt drained.

“Ha…”

As soon as I exhaled, tears started flowing out of my eyes.

“What were you thinking going in there?!”

Lim Dae-han shouted. Sobbing and trying to hold back my tears, I muttered in a tiny voice as if I wanted nothing more than to crawl away.

“…The ring.”

“What are you saying now?”

I wiped my tears with my arm. The dirt stuck to my palm smeared on my cheek, then crumbled and fell on various parts of my body. I raised my head.

The tears that had been welling up poured down my cheeks once more. Sniff…I swallowed a breath. I barely managed to wipe away my tears. Lim Dae-han was looking at me, biting his lips hard.

“The ring you gave me fell into the sea…I wanted to find it.”

“Why would you look for something like that? Do you know you almost died just now?”

“…I’m sorry.”

I apologized to Lim Dae-han. He cursed under his breath and ruffled his short hair. Then he sat down next to me.

I hugged my knees. We both sat there wet, staring blankly at the sea. I couldn’t tell where I had been.

I didn’t know why I did it. As Lim Dae-han said, I walked into that dark sea just to find a mere ring. As if I was possessed by something.

Lim Dae-han was right. What’s the big deal? It’s just a ring.

“Are you cold?”

“…No, I’m fine.”

Lim Dae-han took off the t-shirt he was wearing. He shook it vigorously in the air and then handed it to me.

“Put it on.”

“…It’s wet.”

“Wear it anyway.”

I shivered as I picked up the shirt and put it on. Lim Dae-han just lay down on the beach. The shirt smelled salty.