LCL 82 END

He stretched out his arms and legs as he lay sprawled on the sand. I buried my lips in the back of my arm and just fixed my gaze onto the sea.

Splash, splash—The waves that had seemed fierce just moments ago had somehow calmed down again. When I was in the middle of the sea, I couldn’t think straight due to the incoming waves and darkness, but now that I was out and looking at it, it didn’t seem like much.

It was all the same. Even the things that ate away at my emotions during the break, after some time had passed, felt like they weren’t a big deal at all.

“Why would you go into the sea for a ring?”

“I’m sorry…”

“Knowing it was wrong…damn it.”

Lim Dae-han raised his hand and slapped his own cheek hard. The sound was so loud that I was startled, but I couldn’t turn to look at him. I just curled up my body upon reflex.

He’s not going to hit me too for doing something crazy, right? With my neck stiff, I just rolled my eyes. He spoke in a softened voice.

“So did you find the ring?”

“No.”

“I’ll give it to you when we go back. It’s in my bag. It probably won’t fit though. Maybe not even on your thumb.”

“…Why would you give that to me?”

Lim Dae-han turned to look at me and lay down. He turned slightly to the side, propping his head with one hand and placing the other on the sand. Only then could I look at him.

“You went into the sea to find the ring, and now you’re asking why I’m giving it to you. What am I supposed to say?”

Lim Dae-han grabbed a handful of sand and then let it go. Over his shoulder, I could see the brightly lit pension house. It was farther than I thought.

The leaves in the forest beyond the beach rustled in the wind. Except for the sounds of nature, it was just the two of us.

“Lim Dae-han.”

“What?”

“Do you smoke?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Ah, okay.”

I responded bluntly. Actually, it wasn’t what I really wanted to ask. I licked my lips and hesitated.

“…Are you really going to date someone else?”

Lim Dae-han frowned.

“I said I’m not. I’m enlisting the day after tomorrow. How could I date someone?”

Then he sat up. He sat down next to me again. He sat with his legs spread, playing with the sand. I glanced at him from the corner of my eye.

Sand was stuck to various parts of his shoulders and back. Lim Dae-han made a toad house that looked like it would collapse soon. Holes opened in the wet sand left by the waves.

“What about after you come back?”

“…”

“Will you date after you come back…?”

Lim Dae-han pulled his hand out of the toad house. The sand castle collapsed. He held out his dirty hand toward me. I held out my palm next to Lim Dae-han’s outstretched hand.

Lim Dae-han scooped up a handful of sand and poured it onto my palm.

“Should we not date?”

Instead of answering, I rolled my fingers, letting the gritty sand fall.

“Okay.”

When I answered, Lim Dae-han responded as if it was no big deal.

“Alright.”

My chest felt tight. It felt like something was bubbling inside. I exhaled softly and threw the sand far away.

“You know…”

I finally spoke up.

“Honestly, I was really hurt when you didn’t tell me about your father. I tried not to show it because you didn’t tell me, but I was worried, sad, and upset. I thought we shared all our time together, but when you were having a hard time, you didn’t say anything to me. I wondered what we were doing.”

Lim Dae-han silently fiddled with the sand.

“Not every moment we spend together will be happy, right? If there are joyful and happy times, there are also sad and difficult times. But if you don’t talk like this, what about in the future? Is it okay because we’re strangers now?”

My voice trembled as my emotions intensified. After a moment of silence, Lim Dae-han finally spoke.

“I didn’t want you to worry. I didn’t like making you worry. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

“Of course, I’d worry! That’s only natural! But that’s not a bad thing. If you have a hard time, who do you talk to if not your partner? If my mom or dad were sick, I would have told you everything.”

I ended up raising the volume of my voice. Lim Dae-han tilted his head back and looked at the sky. I followed his gaze. Unlike the rough sea, the sky looked peaceful.

Lim Dae-han hugged his knees. He curled up, resting his forehead on the back of his arms.

“Would you prefer if I didn’t tell you about such things?”

“No.”

His voice echoed as if he were inside a cave.

“I think I’d dislike it even if you didn’t tell me.”

“That’s right. I would have disliked it.”

“It’s because we’re in love, right?”

We should have resolved it through conversations like this. What was so painful back then that I brought up breaking up? I bowed my head deeply and muttered.

“I still want to be with you more. I don’t want to break up.”

At that moment, Lim Dae-han grabbed my arm. My body tilted and I fell on top of him. Our chests touched and our faces were close. It had been a while since I’d seen Lim Dae-han up close.

When we were in school, I simply thought he looked scary, but looking at him like this, his features were just sharp, but he was still a kid.

Twenty years old. Just a few months ago, we were high school students.

Life was built up through layers of past experiences. It must have been the first time Lim Dae-han’s father was ill, so he probably didn’t know what to do.

I spoke loudly to Lim Dae-han, but if my mom or dad had been sick, I might have done the same thing as him.

For the reason of not wanting to make others worry, not wanting to cause concern. But what’s wrong with that? If it’s hard, you can comfort them, and if you’re worried, you can just worry with them.

I wanted to be a sanctuary where Lim Dae-han could rest. I wanted to share all the emotions that people experience—joy, sadness, anger, pleasure—together. I also wanted Lim Dae-han to be a sanctuary for me.

I wanted to…grow into adults together while experiencing the joys and sorrows of life.

Lim Dae-han grabbed the back of my head and buried my face in his chest. He hugged me tightly. He held me so strongly that I felt like my head was going to burst. Even when I tried to move, he just held me in place.

“Don’t try to look at my face.”

“…Okay.”

“Ki Young-hyun.”

“Yes?”

“Think of it as me doing this because I love you.”

I could feel his hands trembling as they held my head. I relaxed my body that had been fidgeting. Lim Dae-han took a deep breath and exhaled.

“Just like you wanted to know everything because you love me, I wanted to hide things because I love you.”

“…”

“I don’t understand why I should burden the person I love and cherish with negative emotions.”

“…”

“Honestly, I was terrified. Who wants to think about their parents, who’ve been healthy all their lives, getting sick and weak?”

Why in the world did I tell Lim Dae-han to break up? When he was already having a hard time, I ran away from him with the excuse that I’d be a burden. I rested my forehead on his chest.

“But it’s okay now. He’s received good treatment.”

“…”

“I’m going to kiss you now, but don’t try to look at my face.”

Even though I had no intention of looking, Lim Dae-han kept making threats. I gently bumped my forehead against his chest as a sign of agreement. Lim Dae-han slowly moved his hand.

He covered my eyes with one hand and then changed our position, laying me down on the beach. My face was covered in sand. Even though I couldn’t see, I could feel it. He came closer.

Lim Dae-han whispered in my ear.

“I love you.”

Our lips met. Our touching cheeks were damp and hot. It wasn’t seawater. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders.

The hand that was covering my eyes now carefully grasped the back of my head. With each turn of our heads, hot breaths escaped from our lips.

I hugged his shoulders, then moved down his back, pressing our bodies close together.

Life developed by accumulating numerous experiences. We were taking a big step forward together in the process of becoming adults.

As I expected, Lim Dae-han and I, we could surely become wonderful adults.

“There’s one more thing you don’t know.”

I walked hand in hand with Lim Dae-han. Sand was stuck all over my body, making me feel uncomfortable. I wanted to put on my shoes, but Lim Dae-han had already taken them. Since I was already wet, I walked toward the sea. The waves swept over my toes and ankles, but I wasn’t scared.

Because now there was someone holding my hand. I missed the lost ring, but something stronger was interlocking between my fingers.

“What else…?”

Why does he have so many secrets? I looked up at him with anxious eyes. Lim Dae-han grinned. His hair was short. And it suited him well, which made me feel strange.

“I’ve been keeping this secret since I was sixteen.”

“What?!”

“Sixteen?” I yelled out loud. Lim Dae-han laughed out loud and squeezed my hand tighter. What could he have been hiding since he was sixteen? We didn’t even know each other then.

Maybe the first…wasn’t the first? Was he lying? Or was I not his first love? Damn. I’m his first love, and everything was a first for me.

I hadn’t even heard it yet, but feeling wronged, I kicked the sand. Golden sand scattered in the air.

“Actually, I knew you before we entered high school.”

“…How did you know me?”

“You know that alley with lots of bars and restaurants next to your house?”

“Oh, yes. I used to go to the academy through there.”

“I saw you sitting on the chair in front of the convenience store there.”

“…”

“I wanted to see you every day, so I went there every day.”

“But I didn’t go there often…There were many thugs. I was afraid of getting mugged. Was that…possibly you?”

“Hey.”

Lim Dae-han jabbed my side with his rough finger. Even though our fingers were interlocked, he deliberately stretched out his finger to poke my side.

“Ugh…!!” I screamed and bent over. Lim Dae-han let go of our interlocked hands and grabbed my shoulders.

I went into his arms. We walked with his arm around my shoulders. It had been so long, all of this. Why did I try to break up with Lim Dae-han in the first place? When it felt so good like this. When my heart still fluttered like this.

“I was glad to meet you when we entered high school.”

“But why did you tell me you first saw me while playing soccer?”

“If I said I liked you before entering high school, wouldn’t that be creepy? It’s like being a stalker.”

“That’s true.”

“What do you mean ‘that’s true.’”

Lim Dae-han laughed, then clenched his fist with the hand around my shoulder and gently pushed my cheek. Of course, I didn’t want to show that I was roughly pushed to the other side.

Why do I always have such violent reactions even when he’s not hitting me? Even I couldn’t understand. Still, fearing another attack, I placed my hand over his hand on my shoulder. My fingers wriggled…

“Where have you two been?”

Lee Deok, who was eating snacks in the living room, asked. Jung Ji-pil looked me up and down, and Park Yeo-seon smiled, raising the corners of his mouth as if he had expected this all along.

Now I should feel less uncomfortable with them too. Because they were Lim Dae-han’s friends. And even if it wasn’t intentional, they created an opportunity for us to meet again.

“…We made up.”

I spoke instead of Lim Dae-han. Knowing that Lim Dae-han had been representing me discreetly all day, I wanted to speak this time.

“Oh, really?”

Lee Deok reacted indifferently. Jung Ji-pil, who had been busily looking me up and down, lowered his voice.

“Why is he so wet?”

“He’s wet because he fell in the water.”

“You didn’t push Young-hyun into the water and force him to date you, did you? He doesn’t even go into the sea.”

“Watch your mouth, Jung Ji-pil.”

Lim Dae-han growled fiercely. Jung Ji-pil pretended not to hear and gulped down his beer. Park Yeo-seon teased, “Is Young-hyun going to the training center on Monday too?”

“You’ll come, right?”

Lim Dae-han turned to look at me. He didn’t say it would be troublesome so don’t come, and I wanted to go too.

“Yes.”

I nodded my head as I answered.

“Don’t cry when Lim Dae-han goes in.”

They must think I would be the one crying because they had never seen tears in Lim Dae-han’s eyes. I looked at Lim Dae-han with a proud smile.

Lim Dae-han Lim averted his gaze with a glum face. His eyes alone were reddened. Anyone could see he had been crying, though the other guys didn’t seem to notice.

“I won’t cry. I can just wait.”

“Don’t you have the option of going too?”

“Isn’t waiting inside still waiting?”

At my words, Lim Dae-han raised his hand to grasp the back of my neck. Again, he applied pressure.

“Ouch, ouch.”

I flailed my arms and legs as if begging for mercy. Only then did Lim Dae-han release me. I needed to wash up. The salty smell on my body was overwhelming. I gathered some clothes from my bag to take a shower.

“Ki Young-hyun.”

Lim Dae-han called out to me.

“Huh?”

As I turned my head, something shiny flew through the air. I was tense, afraid I might not catch it, but fortunately, it landed in my palm.

“A ring.”

Lim Dae-han had given me a ring.

“What kind of ring?” 

Jung Ji-pil asked. I slipped the sparkling ring onto my thumb. It was a bit big, but not too bad.

I spread out my fingers to show them. Then, I spoke to the guys who were watching us with amusement as they drank.

“I really won’t cry.”

Lim Dae-han looked anxiously back and forth between me and the others. I dropped a bombshell as I took a step.

“Even if someone cries, it’ll be Lim Dae-han.”

“…”

“He’s a total crybaby.”

***

Huaaang. Huaaaang.

Jung Ji-pil and Deok Lee cried until their faces were flushed. Under the scorching sun, only their sobs could be heard.

They were crying so much that even the parents sending off their sons to the training center were glancing at them.

I could understand Lee Deok, who had known Lim Dae-han since middle school, but I couldn’t figure out why Jung Ji-pil was crying.

“Why are you crying?”

“I’m sad because I’m going too.”

“Oh, geez.”

Lim Dae-han covered his face with one hand. I should have just come alone. Since my parents couldn’t come, I brought friends, and this was how it turned out.

Watching Lim Dae-han, who was the first among us to enlist, stirred up various emotions in me. I knew he’d do well, being so sociable and not one to be pushed around, but I was still worried. I also felt regret that if I hadn’t been so prideful for those few weeks, we could have spent more time together.

“Ki Young-hyun.”

“Yeah?”

“Come here.”

Lim Dae-han beckoned to me. As I approached without a word, Park Yeo-seon held out his phone.

“I’ll take a picture. Stand together, you two.”

I stood next to the now bald Lim Dae-han for the photo. He put his arm around my shoulder. Since he was smiling playfully, I also made a V-sign and smiled brightly.

We took pictures like this when we graduated high school, and now we were doing the same in front of the training center. How many more memories would we create in the future?

“You’re not supposed to cry, right?”

I teased Lim Dae-han. I didn’t want to send him off with sobs and sadness. I wanted to send him off with a smile, as this was just another phase of life.

“I’ll cry at night.”

“You’ll get in trouble for making noise.”

I covered my mouth and laughed at Lim Dae-han’s blatant admission that he’d cry at night. I lowered my head, looking at my feet. Actually, I wanted to hold his hand. I wanted to tell him to take care and that I loved him, like the other couples here, but I felt self-conscious.

At that moment, Lim Dae-han grabbed my hand firmly. Holding it tightly like a handshake, he said, “I’ll be back.”

“Okay.”

That was all I could say in response. Even though I would be going in a few months too, I couldn’t wail like Jung Ji-pil or Lee Deok. Lim Dae-han turned toward the entrance for trainees.

They said the entrance ceremony would be held on the field, and fortunately, we could watch that before leaving.

“Lim Dae-han…!”

I called out loudly. Lim Dae-han, who had been walking in without looking back, stopped and turned his head. Instead of saying ‘I love you,’ I waved my hand.

Lim Dae-han furrowed his brow slightly. Then he turned back. I thought he was coming toward me, but he walked past with quick strides. He opened his arms to Jung Ji-pil instead of me.

“Jung Ji-pil.”

“Huh?”

“Let’s hug once.”

“Ack! No! Really, ah, I said no…!!”

Lim Dae-han hugged Jung Ji-pil roughly. Jung Ji-pil, who had been wailing just moments ago, now scrunched up his face and pretended to gag.

“My arm’s going to break! Stop it!”

He yelled at the top of his lungs. What an embarrassing sight…Why hug him instead of me?

“Deok, Yeo-seon, you too.”

Lim Dae-han hugged Lee Deok and Park Yeo-seon once each. Finally, it was my turn. When he opened his arms, I jumped into his embrace.

Unlike with the others, this time Lim Dae-han hugged me tightly. It was a familiar embrace. He whispered in a voice only I could hear,

“I love you. I’ll be back before you know it.”

After saying goodbye, Lim Dae-han rummaged through his pocket.

“This is all I have to give you.”

He placed a wrapped lemon candy in my hand. It was about the size of a thumbnail, something he had taken from the restaurant earlier.

After handing me the candy, he picked up his luggage and headed for the entrance. This time, he didn’t look back like before. I didn’t call out to him either.

I watched his retreating figure silently and unwrapped the candy in my hand. It was sweet and sour. Not too sweet, not too sour. Just like our love.

I looked up at the sky. It was such a fresh and blue sky. I soon lowered my gaze and said to my friends.

“Let’s go watch the entrance ceremony.”

Park Yeo-seon came closer and asked.

“There’s still time left. Why don’t we just stay until the end?”

“It’s okay. We’ll see him again soon anyway.”

I walked toward the field with confident steps.

(The End)