MIM 123

The moment he blinked, a single tear that had been precariously perched on his lash line fell. Jae-seung was at a loss, seeing Shin-woo’s face, which had been deathly pale, flush mottled red in an instant. He couldn’t dare to fathom the weight of the emotions Shin-woo had carried alone for so long.

The countless moments Shin-woo must have been hurt churned inside him. The first time they’d had sex, which had been a r4pe, flashed intermittently. He had used him like a tool, covering his face with a blanket, and had reviled him, not even knowing the burn was from saving him. Yet, he had never once shown a hurt expression. And now, he was finally shedding tears. Not out of resentment, but out of guilt.

“Maybe that day… hurt you more than being abused and almost dying several times.”

Beneath the sheets where the tears were falling, Shin-woo was tightly curling his toes. He was rigid with tension, enduring as if he couldn’t bear it without straining his entire body. Jae-seung wanted to massage his toes and reached out, but Shin-woo held on tightly, refusing to let go.

His five fingers clung desperately to Jae-seung’s hand, like someone dangling from a cliff’s edge just before a fall. Shin-woo, belatedly realizing the painful grip he had, gasped. He painstakingly, slowly loosened his grip and released Jae-seung’s hand. Then, pretending nothing was wrong, he raised the corners of his lips and roughly wiped his wet cheeks with his aimless hand.

“You’re free.”

An adult who wasn’t trapped in old memories, wasn’t tormented by unknown anxieties and traumas, and could choose and decide for himself. Adding one thing after another, Shin-woo wiggled his neatly arched eyebrows. Playfulness gradually returned to his face, from which the tearfulness had already faded.

“So, stop wasting time and get ready to go back to school. Wounds heal on their own if you leave them alone. I’m not going to clean up after you anymore, and I’m going to live freely.”

“Where?”

Jae-seung asked blankly, facing Shin-woo, who invariably gave him choices. He felt sad because he was so used to Shin-woo’s face, which seemed so carefree and indifferent. Only now did he realize that the face he had believed to be his usual self was actually a face desperately trying to hide a broken heart.

Shin-woo shrugged his shoulders and hesitated to answer, then smiled wryly as if something suddenly came to mind.

“I have a place. A magnificent house built with the money I squeezed out of you.”

A huge shelter standing in the middle of Mangwol District. As he recalled the scenery that remained vividly in his mind, his chest tightened. The annex, the hotel room, the guest room of the mansion. The toy house he had cherished like a part of himself, carrying it with him wherever he went. The house that stood tall among his meager belongings. The moments when he had placed the hundreds of blocks that made up the house in Shin-woo’s hands flashed sporadically.

Jae-seung let out a breath he had been holding back and climbed onto the bed, abruptly squeezing his large body in. Following Shin-woo’s warmth as he fidgeted and made room, he burrowed into his arms. He carefully embraced the body that was still wounded and gently stroked the stiff muscles. The body in his arms was warm, and he was overwhelmed with gratitude that he had survived, and tears welled up.

“Where are you going, leaving me behind?”

Jae-seung mumbled, holding Shin-woo tightly. Tears that flowed down his nose soaked the pillow. Ever since he had witnessed Shin-woo growing cold in his arms, he had never been in his right mind for a single moment. Even after Shin-woo regained consciousness, he had been in a constant state of alert. All his nerves were on edge and his anxiety soared with the thought of protecting Shin-woo. He only realized that he had barely been holding on after the tears burst out. Jae-seung buried his face in Shin-woo’s shoulder and burst into tears.

“I’m not going anywhere, so don’t cry.”

Shin-woo soothed him in a cracked voice. Jae-seung kissed Shin-woo’s wet cheek and hugged him tightly. He rubbed their feet together to relieve the tension, held his round head, and kissed him wildly. Shin-woo, who had been trying to shake him off, eventually gave up and obediently opened his mouth. They kissed, not caring that their tears were mixing.

When his nose started running and he couldn’t continue the kiss, Jae-seung sniffled and said,

“I was wrong.”

“About what? Stop crying.”

Shin-woo, looking bewildered, pulled out a tissue and handed it to him. After blowing his nose until the tip of it was red, his head was dizzy. In his now clearer vision, he saw Shin-woo smiling with the corners of his lips raised. Perhaps because his body temperature had risen while kissing, he had completely regained his color.

Seeing his genuinely smiling face melted his heart. Jae-seung mustered his courage and blurted out a confession, he didn’t even know how many times he had confessed.

“I love you. Please go out with me.”

“…”

“Don’t go anywhere, live with me. Don’t give up, keep loving me. I’ll really be good to you. I won’t do that again.”

Jae-seung muttered incoherently, letting the remaining tears flow. His breathing had calmed down to some extent, but the tears didn’t stop easily. Shin-woo swept back Jae-seung’s wet hair and chuckled.

“What won’t you do?”

“I won’t hurt you again. I won’t let you get hurt even a little bit.”

“You shouldn’t make such empty promises.”

As he said that, Shin-woo laughed without a care. He was reminded of the smiles Shin-woo had sometimes shown, the promises he had made, anticipating years later, when I become an adult… A smile that seemed rather relieved because there were no expectations. Jae-seung placed his lips on Shin-woo’s curved lips and kissed him until not a trace of that desolate light remained.

“Please go out with me. Hmm? I love you.”

I love you. As the confession gradually became firmer, Shin-woo hugged Jae-seung’s neck. Instead of answering, he twisted his head and kissed him more deeply. The bed creaked and shook, precariously supporting the weight of two sturdy men.

“You’re my world.”

Jae-seung whispered with all his heart between kisses. There would never be another person like Shin-woo in his life. Looking at him with their foreheads touching, Shin-woo lifted his eyelids. His exposed brown eyes were as warm and lovely as ever.

You are. Shin-woo, who had been blinking silently, opened his mouth.

“You’re my home and my name.”

He blurted out a riddle-like statement and cupped Jae-seung’s cheeks. His trembling lips and the face looking up at him were flushed red. He hesitated for a long time, chewing on his lips, wondering what he wanted to say.

“You’re everything I’ve wanted my whole life.”

Finally, with a trembling voice, Shin-woo, gathering his scattered gaze, confessed with difficulty. The one word he mustered the courage to say was too much and too heavy. My world. Everything I’ve wanted my whole life. The emotions shared by the two of them, who had grown up isolated together, were both romantic and tragic. Jae-seung took a deep breath, his chest swelling. He felt a surge of emotions he had never felt before, and his heart tingled.

He was clumsy with the love he had never received, and it took a long time for them to face each other. Jae-seung suppressed the overwhelming emotions and buried his lips in Shin-woo’s palm. As he massaged it with force, the tension gradually left his stiff body.

“Let’s go on a trip when you’re all better.”

After lying close together on the narrow bed for several minutes, when the tears had completely dried, Jae-seung opened his mouth. Shin-woo, who had been resting his arm obediently, tilted his chin slightly.

“Where?”

“I don’t know. An amusement park? I’ll make sure you don’t have to wait in line.”

Shin-woo burst out laughing at the words he had thrown out, half in jest and half in earnest. Finally, completely without a trace of desolation.