NFS 1.1

At 21, love was everything to Seung-ha. That’s what he believed at the time. Nothing else in his life seemed more important. This feeling intensified because he had thrown away his pride and spent all his money on it. The more he invested, the harder it was to turn back for fear of regret, but Seung-ha went all-in on love, even betting on a future he might regret.

Right now, love was all that filled him. That’s why ever since Ahn Jae accepted his proposal, Seung-ha devoted himself completely to every moment, every second they spent together. Even if love couldn’t be bought with money, wouldn’t it be possible to buy it with enough effort added? He held onto such hope.

“Ah, there, it’s so good… mmm, more, push more. Ah! It’s so good.”

So good, really good. Every time Ahn Jae’s cock entered him, Seung-ha endlessly poured out the emotions he felt. Though he was embarrassed by his furrowed brow, writhing body, and the lewd moans and cries he made, it didn’t matter.

He wanted to show how happy the other made him. Even if when he opened his eyes, the other would look at him with contempt. It was the same this time too. As soon as Ahn Jae finished, he pulled out his cock and abruptly got up.

“Stop whining like a girl.”

Ahn Jae showed his irritation. Every time Seung-ha heard such cold words, his heart shrank timidly. But the more it happened, the more he pretended to be unbothered and smiled. I can overcome all of this. Someday he’ll recognize my love. Seung-ha calmed his heavy breathing and barely managed to raise his upper body.

“That’s really outdated gender discrimination, hyung.”

After they finished, Ahn Jae always turned away immediately and headed to the bathroom like someone trying to wash away something dirty. As always, he never looked back at Seung-ha, but Seung-ha deliberately called out louder so Jae could hear.

“If you were born in ancient times, a bear would’ve jumped out of its cave and hit you with a leek root!”

Of course, there was no response. All he could hear was the sound of water falling from the shower. After finishing with Seung-ha, Ahn Jae’s shower time was particularly long. He’s probably scrubbing himself thoroughly again. Seung-ha suppressed his disappointment and lay back down on the bed.

Though it felt uncomfortable after their sexual encounter, having traces of their mingling in the blanket wasn’t unpleasant. It would be nice to lie down together afterward. But that wasn’t in the contract. The contract was just for sex. Cum inside me. Jae strictly kept to what was contracted. There was no foreplay or kissing, as if he was only trying to keep what he had agreed to.

Nevertheless, Seung-ha found the time spent with him ecstatic. From the moment they entered the hotel room, the world lit up with brilliant neon signs. At first, that light was dazzling, but now he knew that everything around the neon signs was darkness. People were fickle. Just mixing bodies with him had once felt like gaining the whole world, but now he yearned for his genuine feelings.

He wished Ahn Jae had even a grain of sand’s worth of feelings for him. However, this new desire couldn’t be easily bought with money. Of course, Seung-ha didn’t give up. He aimlessly swept his arm across the bed. Though Jae’s warmth quickly disappeared and the bedding was cold, he didn’t want to pull his hand away. No matter how many dozens of times they mixed bodies, this warmth was the only thing warm from the otherwise cold Ahn Jae.

***

“Ah, fuck. That bastard.”

Though intense cursing could be heard from across the table, Seung-ha silently poured alcohol into Seon’s glass. Seon downed the soju in one shot and cursed again.

“God is a fucking bastard.”

“There’s no such thing as God.”

When Seung-ha responded with his usual reply, Seon countered with her usual response.

“Since there isn’t one, I can curse more comfortably. You need something to curse at to feel better.”

“Is the shelter grandma’s condition much worse?”

“The grandma would be fine if she just got proper treatment at the hospital, but while she was away, the neighbor next to the shelter blocked off all the paths, saying not to walk the dogs on their land. It’s not even all their land! Over just 3 meters! We avoided trouble by taking the mountain path instead, but fuck, they come out and curse at us every time we go for walks! And you know what they said? They said we could use their land if we paid a passage fee. Fuck, it’s always about money. Even after we did everything they wanted when they nitpicked about everything else. Ah, those bastards.”

This was why Seung-ha liked Seon. Despite her boy-like short hair, loose clothes, and rough language, she had the softest heart of anyone. She visited the dog shelter where she had volunteered since high school every week, caring for it as if it were her own, and when she liked a woman, she never showed it if the other person wasn’t also gay. Seung-ha had watched her silently endure several painful unrequited loves. Yet she never criticized Seung-ha’s love, which went in the completely opposite direction. Instead, she supported it.

“Did you meet with that fucking hyung today too?”

“Yeah.”

“How much did you give him today?”

“Same as always, you know.”

Seung-ha mumbled while checking Seon’s reaction. He was embarrassed to talk about this with her. Knowing how desperately the dog shelter she volunteered at needed donations, yet here he was spending a million won each time just to sleep with someone he liked. However, as always, Seon didn’t care about the money he spent and never asked for help.

“Tell that fucking hyung to issue coupons. Like one free time for every ten times. Even 30,000 won tangsuyuk comes with free dumpling. Everything has service these days.”

Seung-ha just chuckled and took a drink. Seon was the only one who knew about his relationship with Ahn Jae. He could talk about it because it was Seon. Even though she cursed like this, he knew she would respect his wishes. Even if she couldn’t support it.

“Your stepfather’s business isn’t doing well, right? You even sold your car. Does that fucking hyung not know?”

“He doesn’t need to know.”

“You’re not telling him because he wouldn’t care even if he knew, right?”

“That’s right. Jae hyung wouldn’t care.”

“That fucking hyung.”

Seon’s curses came out stronger. Strangely, her cursing didn’t bother Seung-ha. If someone else cursed at Jae like that, he might have gotten angry, feeling like they were attacking his own inadequacy. But it was different with Seon. He just inherently trusted that whatever she said was for his sake. Perhaps because they met when both were struggling with their sexual identities, they shared something like a comrade’s bond.

“Don’t give that fucking hyung everything, save some money for yourself.”

“Don’t need to.”

Seon, eating the skewered food that came as a side dish, gave him an incredulous look.

“You’re going to give him everything?”

“Yeah. It doesn’t matter.”

If he could maintain this relationship even a little longer until everything was gone, he couldn’t ask for more. Seung-ha found himself strange too. How could he give everything – his liver, his gall – to him like this? But just thinking about him made emotions overflow. Surprisingly, his heart fluttered every time.

“It’s strange. Who would’ve thought our Seung-ha would become such a fool for love, willing to go broke? Such passionate love doesn’t suit you.”

True. It doesn’t suit him. That’s partly why he was obsessed with this unfamiliar version of himself. Amazed that he could do such things. The reason he could do this was simple.

“Because it’s Jae hyung.”

“Fine, if that fucking hyung you love so much takes everything and you have nowhere to go, come to the shelter. You’ve donated so much money already. I’ll at least feed you.”

“Lee Seon-nim, you’re truly like your name – the sunt. Do I just need to clean up dog poop?”

“No, Seung-ha, you come and make a new path. Fuck, that damn neighbor.”

Lee Seon cursed at the neighbor again while taking another drink, and Seung-ha silently listened to her cursing.

***

They usually met three times a week, a million won each time he cum inside. They always stayed at five-star hotels. Ahn Jae, who had been developing games and preparing for a startup for two years, desperately needed investment money, and Seung-ha used that to seize his opportunity. That moment remained as clear as yesterday to Seung-ha.

Though Ahn Jae wore a hoodie and sweatpants, probably having come from work, his tall height and good build made him wear clothes like a model. He looked tired, and though his hair was messy like a magpie’s nest, even that felt fresh and made Seung-ha’s heart race.

Ahn Jae was annoyed that a junior he’d only greeted a few times had suddenly visited. So he ignored Seung-ha’s suggestion to go to a coffee shop and headed to the outdoor tables of a nearby convenience store. Though it was late March and got chilly after sunset, he unhesitatingly poured a drink into an ice cup. Of course, there was nothing for Seung-ha. He didn’t ask if Seung-ha wanted to drink too, or why he had come.

Seung-ha knew that if he didn’t say anything now, the other would just leave as soon as he finished his drink. That’s the kind of person he was. He had no interest in others. He put himself and his work first. So even when someone visited, he didn’t wonder about their purpose, and even when he learned how immoral the proposal was that the visitor nervously made, all he did was ask like this.

‘How much will you pay?’

‘How much do you need?’

‘A hundred times what you’re thinking.’

Seung-ha hesitated but forced a smile. He wanted to appear composed.

‘What if I was thinking 100 won?’

‘You weren’t.’

He stared at Seung-ha while drinking and rolling the ice in his mouth. Before meeting him, Seung-ha had only prepared for contempt and disgust. But indifference was an even greater wound. With a casual tone and bothered look, he made his intentions clear.

He didn’t care who Seung-ha was. If it wasn’t about money, he wouldn’t have come out in the first place. Actually, Seung-ha had a little hope. That maybe he would show even a little interest, even if just in his appearance. When Seung-ha couldn’t answer, he finished his drink in one go and stood up.

‘100 million.’

At the amount, he turned back. Seung-ha tried not to tremble. It didn’t feel real that he was looking down at him right there.

‘But I can’t give it all at once. I’ll give you a million won each time.’

He watched the other’s reaction with fear. The other briefly looked over Seung-ha’s body again. The look of disgust he’d never received in his life was hard to take calmly even with mental preparation. With that first-time experience of that gaze, he felt like the dirtiest being in the world. When the shame and fear grew too much and he was about to stand up, the other agreed.

‘Prepare cash each time. I’ll gladly fuck you.’

His voice was ice-cold, and Seung-ha felt choked up and couldn’t say anything. And Ahn Jae’s ice never melted, staying solid and unchangingly cold even as the days grew warmer. Seung-ha hadn’t changed much either. Just that while at first he had hoped Jae might develop some physical attachment and think of him more, now that hope had diminished. And just like his diminishing hope, he didn’t have much money left to give him.

“Oh! It’s Jae oppa!”

While eating after class with classmates, one of them shouted excitedly. Everyone raised their heads at once. Two female classmates looked around asking “where, where,” but Seung-ha and the male classmate went back to focusing on their meals. This was familiar to them. Ahn Jae was practically the school celebrity, and even those known for their good looks became nobodies when Jae appeared.

“He doesn’t have classes today, why is he at school?”

At his classmate’s grumbling, Seung-ha looked up from his food.

“How do you know Jae hyung doesn’t have classes?”

“How do I know? The information just flows in from everywhere automatically. You’re unfortunate too.”

“What?”

“Your looks would shine more if Jae hyung wasn’t around.”

“Hey, our Seung-ha always shines! It’s just that Jae oppa shines more.”

A female classmate cut in, putting her hand on Seung-ha’s shoulder. Seung-ha smiled bitterly but wasn’t upset. It was true after all. No one shines brighter than Ahn Jae. The admiration and praise for him actually made Seung-ha proud, as it proved how great his love was. No, that’s how it had been. When he had hoped that maybe he was somewhat special to him, he even felt a bit superior. But not anymore. As the money ran out, hope nearly vanished too. In place of hope, his pathetic self took over. Himself, unable to let go of that last thread of maybe, just maybe.

“Oh? Jae oppa is coming in.”

Everyone looked at the opening door, but Seung-ha forcibly resisted the urge to look and kept his eyes on his plate. Once, Seung-ha had greeted him first at school, acknowledging him. That night, Jae had said:

‘Don’t act like you know me. It’s fucking annoying, damn it.’

His eyes had a gleam in them that matched the words. It was the only thing he said that night as he slammed his cock between Seung-ha’s wide-open legs. Seung-ha felt disappointment and shame at the words, but he screamed as he orgasmed from Ahn Jae’s hot cock inside him. Ahn Jae came inside Seung-ha five times by dawn that day and took five million won.

There was no pride in his ejaculation that day that he had made himself cum five times; his ejaculation only seemed to indicate that he wanted to get this over with and get the 100 million and be done with it. Ahn Jae’s behaviour hasn’t changed, only Seung-ha’s hopes have grown blacker over time. Seung-ha kept turning the pasta noodles around with his fork, but his attention was focused on the person coming in.

“Hello, oppa.”

A greeting from a female classmate, followed by the greetings of his other friends.

“Uh, yeah.”

Seung-ha finally opened his eyes when he heard the voice of another senior, not Ahn Jae. It was his friend who worked at the company Ahn Jae founded. Seung-ha bowed his head in greeting, but his eyes followed Ahn Jae, who was standing behind Gi-ho. Their eyes met for a moment before he lowered his head. Even though he knew there was no emotion in his gaze, his heart pounded. A thread of hope tortured Seung-ha as he held on for dear life.