NFS 3.1

Right now, he wouldn’t have minded fulfilling Seo Ahn-jae’s contract demands immediately. But Joo Seung-ha refused, and the reason was simple—he didn’t feel like it. He was about to leave, but Seo Ahn-jae blocked him and asked belatedly, with a light laugh, “Are you being petty?”

“What happened seven years ago isn’t significant enough anymore for me to be petty about it.”

“Was it ever insignificant, except for those few months seven years ago?”

Though Joo Seung-ha couldn’t reply and was clearly the loser in this conversation, it was Seo Ahn-jae whose smile disappeared. Joo Seung-ha couldn’t understand why he felt like he had hurt him again. Disliking this misconception, he turned his gaze away, but a large hand roughly grabbed his chin, forcing him to look back. When Joo Seung-ha’s eyes sharpened and he grabbed Seo Ahn-jae’s wrist, only then did a relaxed smile return to Seo Ahn-jae’s face.

“Don’t turn away from me when I’m talking to you.”

“Such conditions should have been included in the contract before signing.”

“You’re the one who only set one condition.” Though Joo Seung-ha reminded him, Seo Ahn-jae’s smile only deepened.

“These kinds of conditions are usually resolved through requests. Or would you especially like them included?”

“If it’s this kind of request, even 100 pages of a contract wouldn’t be enough.”

“Please, Joo Seung-ha.”

“…”

“Look at me.”

The hand holding his chin now had no strength in it, but Joo Seung-ha found it difficult to push him away. It was similar to how he couldn’t make sharp retorts to that unsmiling face and emotion-filled gaze. When he finally pushed away his hand as if coming to his senses, Seo Ahn-jae withdrew it willingly. Joo Seung-ha’s eyes held the awkwardness of dealing with a foreigner who didn’t understand the language, and seeing this, Seo Ahn-jae snickered.

“See, this is more uncomfortable for you.”

Joo Seung-ha couldn’t deny it. The low voice contained the usual sarcasm. This familiar voice of Seo Ahn-jae’s was truly more comfortable for Joo Seung-ha.

“Anyone would be uncomfortable with unfamiliar behavior.”

“Is my asking a favor unfamiliar? Or is it me showing emotion?”

“You’re the one being petty, senior.”

“Right. Because what happened seven years ago was a big deal to me. What? Is that funny to you?”

Although Joo Seung-ha disliked the constant mentions of the past, he couldn’t let it go because Seo Ahn-jae’s words were truly amusing.

“It’s just that…you clearly acted like it was nothing when we met again.”

At his calm tone, the amusement disappeared from Seo Ahn-jae’s eyes.

“I thought it was nothing. But I was mistaken.”

“No, it wasn’t a mistake. You lived well for seven years.”

“I did live well. Not knowing I was carrying your shadow on my back.”

He raised his hand again, but this time Joo Seung-ha quickly stepped back to avoid it. Seo Ahn-jae twisted his lips while forcefully placing his hand on Joo Seung-ha’s face.

“Do you hate my touch that much?”

Joo Seung-ha slapped his hand away and coldly spat out, “It’s not particularly because it’s you, senior. I’d hate it from anyone.”

“Then that’s good. Better to get over with things you hate quickly, right?”

Seo Ahn-jae lowered his hand willingly and added a question. His voice was soft and sweet.

“Let’s start from today. Do you have any plans for later?”

“Yes.”

“With whom?”

What do you mean by ‘with whom’?

“The shelter.”

Going to the shelter on weekends was as natural as eating for Joo Seung-ha. Though disapproval flashed in Seo Ahn-jae’s eyes, he immediately nodded his head and accepted it.

“Alright. Then I’ll take you there.”

When he made the suggestion and lightly grabbed Joo Seung-ha’s arm to move forward, Joo Seung-ha planted his feet firmly to the ground.

“I brought my car.”

“I’ll have it moved wherever you want, so don’t worry about it. I’ll give you a ride.”

When Seo Ahn-jae grabbed his arm again and pulled, Joo Seung-ha raised his arm as if to shake him off. But Seo Ahn-jae gripped so tightly his hand’s tendons showed, signaling he had no intention of letting go. Whenever Joo Seung-ha responded with force, Seo Ahn-jae always tried to overpower him with greater force like now. Joo Seung-ha felt like he could see the true face of his nature even in such small gestures.

But what made him feel even worse was that gentle smile and gaze directed at him. How could there be such a deep and sweet gaze that blindly focused only on him, completely opposite to the physical domination? Joo Seung-ha felt suffocated facing it. Taking a deep breath instinctively, he asked calmly, “What are you doing?”

“What one does to someone they like.”

‘Like.’ The naturally spoken word sounded like an unfamiliar language whose meaning Joo Seung-ha didn’t know. When he hesitated momentarily, Seo Ahn-jae released his grip and rubbed Joo Seung-ha’s arm where he had held it. The movement was incredibly tender, as if asking if it had hurt.

“Why do you look like you don’t believe me?”

“Just…I don’t understand. Senior…”

Joo Seung-ha paused, thinking his words might be rude to the other person, but then continued, “It doesn’t suit you to like someone. Don’t you like yourself the most?”

“I did. But people can change, right?”

Well. Joo Seung-ha thought of his unchanging mother, then pushed the thought away as he looked at Seo Ahn-jae. If there was anyone who wouldn’t change, it would be Seo Ahn-jae.

“It’s okay. If you don’t believe it, I’ll keep saying it until you do. We have plenty of time. From now on, don’t use your car when meeting me. I’ll pick you up.”

“You could at least make an excuse about using up the remaining substitute driving sessions I owe.”

“Don’t do that anymore. You don’t have to.”

“…”

“Ah, this is interesting.”

“What is?”

“I think I know what you’re thinking.”

Seo Ahn-jae looked down at Joo Seung-ha like a detective who had figured out the answer to a trick. So even though no crime was being revealed, tension spread through Joo Seung-ha’s body. The lowered voice asked, sweet as honey, “You’re thinking that if you just do everything I want, I’ll get bored faster and leave, aren’t you?”

Since it was damn right, Joo Seung-ha swallowed the laugh that was about to escape from his mouth.

“You know well.”

“Of course. I had the same thought seven years ago.”

Now the events from seven years ago felt distant to Joo Seung-ha, like looking at someone else’s photo album, but still, there was something about it that kept touching something inside him.

“Why didn’t you…execute that plan then?”

“Do you want to know?”

“No. Never mind.”

Joo Seung-ha declined lightly. He thought there was no use dwelling on past events now. Seo Ahn-jae watched sharply as Joo Seung-ha easily dismissed it.

“Try every method to get rid of me. I’ll gladly accept them all.”

“Well…I’m thinking of doing what you did, senior. That method was quite effective.”

For a moment, Seo Ahn-jae’s expression froze terrifyingly. While Joo Seung-ha was bewildered, wondering if he had said something wrong, a low question came, “Is that why you left then?”

It was a simple question, but Joo Seung-ha couldn’t answer right away. He lowered his eyes, then raised his now-calm gaze.

“No. It wasn’t because of you, senior.”

“Then why did you disappear?”

“Just because.”

Though Joo Seung-ha realized the other had seen through his lie, he maintained steady eye contact throughout the exchange. Seo Ahn-jae stepped back without asking further. But Joo Seung-ha knew he hadn’t erased this question but rather had etched it clearly in his mind to ask again later. And he would definitely get an answer. That was the kind of person he was. But somehow, Joo Seung-ha felt he wouldn’t give this answer until the very end. He found this aspect of himself a bit strange. Actually, the reason wasn’t even that significant.

“Try hard to get rid of me. Then maybe one day I’ll just throw you away too.”

Joo Seung-ha didn’t like the expression “throw away.” It sounded as if he had thrown Seo Ahn-jae away seven years ago. Seeing Joo Seung-ha’s expression, Seo Ahn-jae smiled again.

“What? Did I say something wrong?”

“You’ve never been thrown away, senior. Your ego is too strong for that.”

“What if my ego was so strong that I was too foolish to admit being thrown away?”

That can’t be. That’s nonsense. Though these thoughts immediately came to mind, Joo Seung-ha could no longer be certain of them. Having realized he wasn’t the victim of what happened seven years ago, he had no rebuttal if Seo Ahn-jae claimed to be the injured, abandoned victim. But Joo Seung-ha shook his head internally. He tried to steady his heart and avoid feeling guilty. Guilt could be the biggest obstacle in maintaining distance in their future relationship.

“I was a fool back then, but it seems you were quite the fool too.”

Seo Ahn-jae curved up the corners of his mouth.

“Ask me later why I acted foolishly. I’ll definitely answer.”

“Just don’t block my way now.”

“What can I do when I don’t want to let you go?”

Joo Seung-ha barely managed to suppress his exasperation from showing on his face. He couldn’t adapt to this, couldn’t believe it. In fact, he couldn’t believe it more because he still suspected Seo Ahn-jae might be mistaken about his own feelings.

“Don’t act like a child. Even I, who was younger then, never forced anything on you.”

“That’s because you lacked courage.”

Looking at him who didn’t hide his sarcasm, Joo Seung-ha felt confused again. Is he really just being spiteful to me? By making me do things I hate to torment me? But his gaze toward Joo Seung-ha was still overwhelmingly deep, making such doubts difficult to maintain. He announced slowly and deliberately while looking at Joo Seung-ha, “Unlike you, I’m persistent, selfish, and shameless.”

“The shameless part is certainly true.”

Seo Ahn-jae’s lips curved widely in pleasure at Joo Seung-ha’s retort.

“That’s why I’m asking. Let me drive you.”

“So I…”

“Think of it as getting a service from me. Like how you get a free coupon after buying ten coffees.”

Suddenly, a scene from the past popped up like a video, making Joo Seung-ha hesitate.

‘Fucking tell him to issue coupons. Like one free time after sleeping together ten times. Even 30,000 won sweet and sour pork comes with free dumplings. Everything’s about service these days.’

Seon’s voice was particularly vivid in his memory. Right, Seon had said something like this before. Joo Seung-ha was unconsciously pulled into the past, then startled back to reality by a touch on his face.

“What is it?”

When he stepped back avoiding Seo Ahn-jae’s touch, the other asked expressionlessly.

“That’s my line. Was there something wrong with what I said?”

“No, just…the mention of free coupons reminded me of something.”

Joo Seung-ha mumbled while avoiding eye contact and took out his vibrating phone from his pocket. It was a message from a shelter member, and Joo Seung-ha quickly spoke up, grateful for the excuse to leave.

“I’ll get going now.”

Joo Seung-ha turned away with his eyes on his phone to send a reply. No hand stopped him as he left. Instead, he had the illusion that Seo Ahn-jae was watching him without moving until he drove away, but he soon forgot about it in his mind.

“This is shit.”

Seo Ahn-jae muttered after Joo Seung-ha’s car had completely disappeared down the road. He had easily cut off his attention to Seo Ahn-jae and left because of a single text message. Maybe it was work-related since he was in sales. Or maybe it was about the shelter. Whether it was business contacts, the shelter, dogs, or people, everything that drew Joo Seung-ha’s attention away from him was fucking annoying.

Seo Ahn-jae found it difficult to suppress the urge to push everything away so that he could cut off all of Joo Seung-ha’s relationships. But difficult didn’t mean impossible. He could gladly endure anything just to gain Joo Seung-ha. While his own feelings would have come first before, now his priorities were different.

Everything became clear to Seo Ahn-jae after acknowledging his emotions. He much preferred now to the past when he walked in a hazy fog, unable to understand the reasons for his actions. So the irritation he felt moments ago didn’t last long. Rather, his lips curved unconsciously as he recalled Joo Seung-ha’s reactions during their conversation.

‘What are you doing?’

‘What one does to someone they like.’

Seo Ahn-jae felt himself swelling with anticipation. All his senses reacted sensitively to Joo Seung-ha like high-performance radar. This sensation was similar to when he reached peak concentration at work and became excited. The difference was that his excitement toward Joo Seung-ha was accompanied by sexual desire.

He wanted to possess him quickly. He wanted to touch him, to thrust himself inside him. Just thinking about it sent a small shiver through him. That was why the current situation, where things weren’t going as he wished, was irritating. Seo Ahn-jae walked slowly to his car and turned on his phone. Many messages had arrived while it was turned off during his meeting with Joo Seung-ha. Even as he checked the contents, his mind was full of thoughts of Joo Seung-ha. So as he carelessly flipped through the phone messages, his finger stopped and his brow furrowed simultaneously.

“8 o’clock. Today.”

Just two words. The sender was his sister. Seo Ahn-jae got into his car while inwardly feeling irritated. 8 o’clock? What about it?

***

When Joo Seung-ha returned to his goshiwon after finishing up with his business, the sun had already set considerably. Perhaps because he had just moved back in, there was no comfort in heading home after a long day as he walked through the goshiwon corridor past the entrance. Yet he didn’t feel lonely in this unfamiliarity. From as far back as Joo Seung-ha could remember, loneliness had never affected him. This was the only advantage about himself that he acknowledged. And there was one more person who recognized this as an advantage.

‘They say the magnitude of emotions can be determined through learning. Like how fear becomes familiar and diminishes as you try to overcome it. The reason you can be so composed in the face of loneliness is thanks to your effort in finding optimal conditions to avoid getting hurt through learning.’

Seon had said this during a holiday. Joo Seung-ha had never properly spent time with his mother, let alone visiting relatives during holidays. To him, holidays were just red numbers on the calendar with no other meaning.

So whenever classmates shared their holiday complaints, Joo Seung-ha always became an outsider. “What do you do?” When friends asked repeatedly, Joo Seung-ha had never once lied, and the responses were usually similar. “Must be nice being alone,” “Lucky you don’t have to deal with hassles.” And there was always one other common question.

“Don’t you get lonely?” When that question came up, all the chattering friends would turn to look at Joo Seung-ha with similar silence and similar gazes. No, there might be some different looks, but the underlying pity was the same. Seon was the only one who reacted differently. She praised Joo Seung-ha while bringing up that talk about learned emotions.

“That’s why you’re amazing. Loneliness has become an insignificant emotion for you.”

Of course, at the time, it seemed like nonsense. But part of him thought she was right. Perhaps Joo Seung-ha’s insensitivity to loneliness was learning from the love he never received from his mother since birth. In contrast, Seon, who often felt lonely, had envied Joo Seung-ha.