NFS 3.2

‘Sometimes I’m afraid of being consumed by loneliness before even entering my room. So sometimes I hold the doorknob and imagine that this place is a field, a forest, a riverbank. I’m now sitting under a Bodhi tree, shaking off the fear of loneliness. Maybe someday when I open the door, Bodh Gaya will really spread before my eyes.’

Perhaps because she often went to temples with her grandmother as a child, Seon occasionally talked like this. But she cursed too much to face Bodh Gaya, where Buddha was said to have achieved enlightenment. Still, Joo Seung-ha thought Seon was the closest to Buddha among all the people he knew.

Though she felt much loneliness while she was alive, she also had much love and compassion to give to the world. So while she readily praised Joo Seung-ha’s inability to feel loneliness, she didn’t know about the loss she would cause when she left this world. Could the pain of loss also improve through learning? Joo Seung-ha was skeptical about this answer alone.

Due to his profession, he frequently encountered those experiencing loss since he dealt with pets, whose lifespans were shorter than humans. Even Joo Seung-ha had experienced the passing of several dogs during his long time visiting the shelter. Death inherently scraped at humans’ primal fears with its fierce claws.

What could become familiar through learning was probably this fear of death. Loss was different. What was lost was the memory of sunlight, the time of wind, the warmth of breath. These things remain inside without being caught in any filter. That was why numbness remained even after becoming indifferent to the loss of death.

Before opening the door to his narrow goshiwon room that had become his new residence, Joo Seung-ha stopped and thought this was a bit unfair. Seon’s loss had changed a corner of his heart into a barren crater where not even a blade of grass would grow. And whenever something happened to Joo Seung-ha, that desolate land pulled him inside like a magnet.

Like the fact that he had made a deal with Ahn-jae today for money. He had repeated the past with his own hands. Unlike when they reunited, his feelings toward Seo Ahn-jae felt completely resolved now, so this matter wasn’t particularly complicated or concerning. His biggest feeling was annoyance, hoping Seo Ahn-jae would quickly tire of him and fall out of his life that way. So Joo Seung-ha started to wonder about a few things.

Clearly, there was no wound or pain in this deal with Seo Ahn-jae, so why had he stepped onto the black land of loss again? Why did he miss Seon again? Before being consumed by the darkness of the dim goshiwon corridor, Joo Seung-ha awoke from his thoughts and turned his room’s door knob. Though he knew the now-familiar goshiwon interior would greet him, an inner prayer for peace flowed: This place is a field, a forest, a riverbank, and Bodh Gaya.

***

Seo Ahn-jae was not in a good mood right then. Points he had never cared about with others revealed their presence like sharp thorns when it had to do with Joo Seung-ha. For example, like how minor details about the response to his current text message bothered him.

—Where are you?]

Though clearly read immediately, the reply came several minutes later.

—Outside.

Seo Ahn-jae burst into incredulous laughter seeing this one word. Fuck, what do you mean by outside? He had sent the message after confirming through someone he’d assigned to watch that Joo Seung-ha had entered the goshiwon. Yet the other man had blatantly lied. Why do such a useless thing? It wasn’t that he couldn’t guess the reason. Probably preemptively avoiding the possibility of being called out if he said he was home.

Understanding it as meaning he disliked meeting him that much, Seo Ahn-jae’s mouth twisted further. He had rarely been rejected in his life. Even when he was, everything went his way once Seo Ahn-jae set his mind to persuading someone. So Joo Seung-ha was the only misaligned line in his life. The problem was that this line was made out of light, and he was chasing it like an insect.

But you shine too fucking brightly. Seo Ahn-jae extinguished his cigarette by tapping it with his fingertip. So he didn’t mind being rejected. He just needed to chase and finally get his hands on him. Even if it became a lifelong goal, he was confident he could endure things until then. Seo Ahn-jae made this resolution with harsh eyes but soon snapped back to reality and frowned while looking up at the apartment before him.

“Why today of all days.”

He headed toward his family home, which he hadn’t visited in a while, muttering his displeasure under his breath. The contents of his sister’s message turned out to be about a family gathering today. Their parents were planning to leave for a long trip of over four weeks, and they wanted to have dinner before that. Last week had also been their mother’s birthday. But what was so significant about the day one was born? Though Seo Ahn-jae didn’t consider birthdays important, he came willingly without making work excuses solely because of Joo Seung-ha. More precisely, to find even one more string connecting to Joo Seung-ha. That string appeared as soon as he opened the door.

A lowered tail and four paws that scurried to find another corner at the slightest glance. In Seo Ahn-jae’s common sense, dogs were supposed to be born with genes friendly to humans after becoming mankind’s companions, but this dog was clearly watching him with wariness in its eyes. Though it was a speechless creature, someone came soon after to interpret it.

“Hey, it’s saying get lost.”

Seo Ahn-jae’s sister snapped at her brother, then quickly approached Cookie to stroke its head.

“Aww, was our Cookie scared? Does that tall pole look like a bad guy? It’s okay, Mama will chase him away quickly.”

Seo Ahn-jae looked at his sister as if witnessing the most horrific sight in the world. His blood relative with a half-broken tongue was the one who needed to be chased away from Earth the fastest.

“Are you crazy?”

When Seo Ahn-jae couldn’t hold back his words, his mother’s warning came, “Watch your language.”

“But what about her crazy talk?” Seo Ahn-jae threw an indignant look, but his mother’s nagging continued, directed at Cookie.

“Cookie can hear you. He’s already startled because of you.”

Seo Ahn-jae threw an even more incredulous look at his mother. 

“Are you saying watch my language because the dog can hear?” 

What was unbelievable was seeing his mother crouched next to Cookie, comforting it. 

What’s so special about that dog? Bewildered, Seo Ahn-jae went to the kitchen and asked his father who was cooking.

“Has Sister brought that dog here before?”

His father turned to look at his son with furrowed brows while plating food.

“Dog? It’s Cookie.”

Seo Ahn-jae quietly observed the cold researcher who had spent his life prioritizing data and results in the laboratory, then spoke.

“…Ah, yes.”

“We looked after him when your sister worked late. Cookie is undergoing treatment and needs careful care. Since Cookie is shy around strangers, be mindful of your behavior around him.”

Seo Ahn-jae wasn’t sure if he’d come to his family home or Cookie’s. And he couldn’t help but wonder again. What the hell is that dog?

“You wouldn’t understand even if I told you.”

The siblings went outside to smoke together under the pretense of having something to discuss. His sister refused to explain Cookie’s charm that had even captivated their parents, saying this, “Someone like you who only thinks of yourself will never understand.”

“That applies to you too.”

At some point, he didn’t even want to call his blood relative “sister” anymore. His sister shrugged her shoulders as if used to this type of treatment from her brother.

“No, I’m different. I can only think about myself because I don’t trust humans. But dogs are animals, so it’s different.”

“Ah shit, what nonsense.” Seo Ahn-jae frowned while taking a drag of his cigarette. His sister ignored his reaction and quickly got straight to the point. She too didn’t want a long conversation with her brother.

“So what was that nonsense earlier? About taking care of our Cookie when Mom and Dad travel…”

“Ah, really.”

When Seo Ahn-jae reacted violently to “our Cookie,” his sister caught herself and acknowledged her mistake.

“It’s become a habit. You keep talking nonsense so I made a mistake.”

The mistake she acknowledged was her brother’s.

“What do you mean you’ll look after Cookie?”

“You said he needs care because he’s sick and getting treatment?”

“Hey, stop beating around the bush. What’s your real intention?”

His sister waved her hand as if shooing away bugs, urging him to speak quickly. Seo Ahn-jae knew excuses wouldn’t work with his sister anyway, so he spoke honestly.

“If I have that dog, I can bring Joo Seung-ha to my place.”

His sister took a deep drag of her cigarette while looking at her brother, then threw out a question.

“What are you going to do with Joo Seung-ha at your place?”

“Live together.”

“Until when?”

Seo Ahn-jae looked at his sister with irritation in his eyes.

“Until I don’t want to.”

“Then why not just ask to live together instead of using bait? Does he dislike you?”

“How should I know? Anything else you’re curious about?”

“No.”

His sister shook her head lightly while putting out her cigarette. Seo Ahn-jae confirmed his objective with her again.

“So about Cookie?”

“No. Can’t trust him with you.”

“What do you want?”

“Hey, I get what I want on my own, so don’t make arrogant proposals. At times like this, you should at least get on your knees and beg.”

Seo Ahn-jae’s eyebrows twitched at his sister’s words, but he managed to ask calmly, “Just getting on my knees is enough?”

This time his sister’s eyebrows twitched.

“Yes. Try it. If you’re going to do it, do it properly in front of everyone.”

Ah shit. Seo Ahn-jae cursed inwardly while roughly extinguishing his cigarette. He shouldn’t have mentioned such a thing. But he noticed his sister still standing there without leaving.

“What?”

“Don’t hurt a good person. Let them go.”

Seo Ahn-jae let out a hollow laugh at his sister’s warning. Setting aside the content, it was ridiculous. Since when did they give each other advice?

“So it’s okay if they’re not a good person?”

“Yeah. But he is a good person.”

“Based on what?”

“You said he dislikes you? Then that means he’s a sane person.”

Seo Ahn-jae twisted his mouth, but his eyes grew fierce at his sister’s next words, “Others might only see your looks and success, but you use those looks for promiscuous sex, and you’re an immoral bastard who doesn’t hesitate to use any underhanded method for success.”

The words condemning her brother came out casually as if discussing daily matters. Seo Ahn-jae responded expressionlessly.

“Say whatever you want, just let me have the dog.”

His sister looked at him as if surprised, then shook her head.

“No. How dare you try to use a sacred companion animal for your petty romance.”

“What do you want me to do when I’m this desperate?”

His sister, who was about to turn away, paused and turned her head. However, after staring at him with furrowed brows, she turned back and left. Seo Ahn-jae cursed his sister internally again while taking out his phone to send Joo Seung-ha the same question as before.

―Where are you?

***

Honestly, Joo Seung-ha believed the thing he should be most wary of in his relationship with Seo Ahn-jae was mixing bodies with him. He needed to avoid getting addicted to the primal pleasure of sex with him. Since he was firmly mentally prepared for this, he thought it wouldn’t be a problem. But there was an unexpected obstacle.

―Cafeteria lunch.

Seo Ahn-jae’s brief message included a photo. Food piled like mountains on a tray. Considering Seo Ahn-jae’s appetite was twice that of others, it was a reasonable amount, but his big eater aspect wasn’t what surprised him.

Joo Seung-ha had to stare at his phone screen for about a minute, not believing this message. He couldn’t imagine Seo Ahn-jae taking a picture of his lunch to send it. Right, he might have asked an employee to do it. Joo Seung-ha desperately offered a realistic alternative.

But he remembered how Seo Ahn-jae hated asking others for favors. He never borrowed others’ hands even for trivial things. Then what? Could he have developed a hobby of taking food pictures for social media? …That’s absurd. Seo Ahn-jae recording daily life on social media? Just the thought of it gave him goosebumps.

With those looks, there was no one who cared less about their appearance than Seo Ahn-jae. Rather than using social media, it would make more sense to see him hunched over a desk doing diamond painting. As his thoughts spread like a net, Joo Seung-ha became genuinely worried about him. Is he dying? While reaching this conclusion, he couldn’t immediately answer Seo Ahn-jae’s follow-up question.

―What did you eat?

Joo Seung-ha looked at the question with furrowed brows. Why would he care about this? He tried to find hidden intentions or traps in the question but nothing stood out. Yet asking pointless questions didn’t match Seo Ahn-jae’s efficiency-focused nature? Finally, not wanting to waste energy on trivial conversation, Joo Seung-ha told him the menu.

―Was thinking of having ramyun.

―Haven’t you eaten?

―Been busy working this entire time.

The phone rang immediately after his reply. After hesitating, he answered with a “yes” and was immediately met with nagging.

[What kind of work is it that is making you miss a meal?]

“No, I’m in sales at the company…”

[A proper worker takes care of their body first. Don’t make excuses about work. From now on, set a schedule and eat properly at set times.]

At this sharp advice, Joo Seung-ha took the phone from his ear and looked down at it incredulously. Then belatedly threw out an indignant question.

“Did you call just to say that?”

Though his voice was clearly incredulous, a short laugh came from the phone.

[No, I have lots to say.]

“Really?”

In response to Joo Seung-ha’s half-hearted reply, a gentle voice came:

[I miss you.]

Joo Seung-ha was just leaving the company and heading to the parking lot. It was a short distance that shouldn’t have taken even a minute, but he froze in place, making the travel time more than double. But this wasn’t the important part. If you were to present an example of pouring sugar into tenderness, this voice would be the perfect specimen. Joo Seung-ha couldn’t help but worry about his health again. Is he really going crazy?

At a place far from Joo Seung-ha, in Seo Ahn-jae’s office, there was someone having similar thoughts as Joo Seung-ha. It was Secretary Choi. He was experiencing severe mental confusion about the words Seo Ahn-jae had just uttered during a phone call, before a brief meeting with the PR team.

Did I hear that right? Is this some kind of auditory interference sent by aliens trying to conquer Earth? But it was real. Secretary Choi offered his final, most realistic interpretation. Has the other man gone mad? Has this person who lived alone in his world with zero interest in others finally received divine judgment and lost it?