NFS 3.8

Starting off with an apology, he caught himself again. Seo Ahn-jae’s mood seemed to worsen. He appeared to have caught the intention to gloss over the situation with a casual apology without properly placing the blame on anybody. It might have been better to argue it was Seo Ahn-jae’s fault with evidence, but that would have made the situation much worse. This is bad. Secretary Choi quickly thought. Actually, there was supposed to be an investment company meeting today. Using the fact that this was suddenly canceled in place of the hotel reservation, he spoke up.

“I mentioned leaving your schedule open because there was that investment company meeting you canceled for tonight, so wouldn’t it be better if you went there…”

“Secretary Choi.”

Damn it. Secretary Choi internally cursed as soon as their eyes met. His gaze was terrifyingly cold. Since I knew he was in a bad mood, I should’ve just completely submitted and done whatever he wanted. His crisis-stricken mouth poured out apologies without consulting his brain.

“I’m sorry. I spoke out of turn because your appointment today seemed to be running late.”

“…Running late?”

“Ah, yes. The hotel…um, isn’t your appointment at the place you reserved running late?”

Of course, he wouldn’t need to go since he’d been stood up, but the hotel fee would be wasted. He should at least go to sleep there. This was what he actually wanted to say. Seo Ahn-jae silently stared at him. In that brief moment, Secretary Choi’s tension shot up like a fountain. Had he run his mouth again? An indifferent voice reached his tense ears.

“You’re right. The other person is running late.”

Not canceled. Seo Ahn-jae seemed to mutter this afterward, but he wasn’t sure. The important thing was that his own departure time would be delayed too. Just as Secretary Choi was giving up on comfortable rest at home and thinking about the cafeteria’s dinner menu, a dry voice spoke.

“Go home.”

Huh? Did he hear wrong? While blinking in confusion, he caught Seo Ahn-jae’s cold gaze and quickly left the office like a startled hamster. While preparing to leave, he tilted his head to one side. Something’s different from his usual anger? This thought continued even as he took the elevator down to the first floor. He’s changed. Something has changed.

***

Though Joo Seung-ha had experienced all sorts of things in life, this was his first fire. While the office was in Seoul, some inventory was stored in a rented warehouse in Gyeonggi-do, and they received word that a fire had broken out in the nearby mountain. Joo Seung-ha canceled his appointment with Seo Ahn-jae and rushed there because he had a forklift license that would most likely be useful at the warehouse.

Actually, until he arrived, he wondered if they’d really need to remove everything, but from near the warehouse, hazy smoke and an acrid smell filled the air everywhere. Though fire trucks passed by with sirens blaring and police were controlling entry, fortunately, the warehouse was still outside the control zone, so vehicles could come and go without problem.

So a quick decision was needed. Should he arrange vehicles now to move the goods? But they couldn’t move this much all at once. What if moving them just ended up being a wasted effort? There wasn’t much time to deliberate. The red flames clearly visible over the mountain ridge were surging large, so the warehouse could be hit at any time.

Joo Seung-ha arrived at the warehouse at 6:30. And as soon as he made his decision, he started moving. He hurriedly arranged for as many trucks as possible while using the forklift to remove and move goods. He was so busy that eventually, he lost track of time. When he finally came to his senses, it was well past midnight.

“Team Leader Joo, over here!”

The truck driver in his 50s who had transported goods twice despite the time crunch called out loudly when they finished loading the last items. Joo Seung-ha had just followed with the company’s compact car loaded full of boxes that couldn’t fit in the truck. After reporting to the worried boss that all goods were safely moved, relief finally spread that it was now over.

But the momentary peace of mind disappeared when he belatedly checked his messages. There was a message from Seo Ahn-jae. Since Joo Seung-ha had arbitrarily canceled today’s appointment, he was prepared to accept whatever Seo Ahn-jae had to say. However, seeing the actual message made his chest feel tight.

“Team Leader Joo!”

At the voice calling him again, Joo Seung-ha put his smartphone in his pocket and trudged into the container the driver had called him to. Entering, the cool air made him involuntarily exclaim “I’m alive.” Right, it had been incredibly hot just now. Only then did Joo Seung-ha realize how drenched in sweat he was as he slumped down in a chair.

“What’s happening with the forest fire?”

Joo Seung-ha accepted the bottled water the driver offered, still unable to shake the feeling of smoke in his throat. He opened the cap and gulped down about half the bottle at once.

“The fire’s so big they’ve only managed to contain the main flames. But they say they’ve stopped it from reaching the warehouses except for some exterior damage to buildings close to the mountain.”

“That’s a relief. There were residential buildings in that area too.”

Though he said this, he also felt deflated. Then did we move everything for nothing? Did it turn out to be a total waste of effort? As Joo Seung-ha sat there dejectedly, the driver grinned.

“Did you know your company was the only one that moved their goods?”

Perhaps due to working together like comrades in their battle of the past few hours, the driver asked familiarly.

“Oh, really?”

Though he knew, he pretended not to know and turned his gaze away while drinking more water. Then came unexpected praise.

“You did well.”

“What do you mean?”

“It was hot today, right? Maybe because of that plus the forest fire heat, they say the sprinklers activated. Other warehouses opened all their windows and doors to let the heat out during that chaos, so apparently all their goods got covered in soot and smell.”

Ah…Gulp. Joo Seung-ha lowered his eyes again in relief. Thank goodness, thank goodness.

“Still, the warehouse must have insurance so there shouldn’t be any big financial problems.”

The driver snickered again. When Joo Seung-ha asked why, he wiped the sweat from his neck with a towel and explained.

“I know the warehouse owner a bit. Their finances got bad early this year so they even canceled their insurance.”

Ah…Joo Seung-ha swallowed again. “What? That could have been really bad.”

“That’s why I was the first to rush over when they called for trucks for that warehouse.”

“Thank you.”

“No thanks needed, Team Leader Joo made the right decision. Look, all the other managers who came just stood around watching what we did, saying they’d wait and see. Really now. How can you know what’ll happen in life? Living like the world’s biggest fool, leaving everything to luck because you don’t want immediate losses. Just from this one thing, I can tell Team Leader Joo is someone who lives properly.”

At the unexpected praise, Joo Seung-ha ran his hand through his hair embarrassedly.

“No, I don’t really live that properly.”

“No? You seem fine to me.”

His tone was amusing, so Joo Seung-ha laughed briefly and said something uncharacteristic, wondering to himself why he was telling such things to someone he’d just met today.

“Even though I cleaned up the past neatly, when I face it again, I can’t ignore it. Like a fool, I keep caring and thinking about it again.”

“Must have been a difficult past.”

His words hit the mark so accurately that Joo Seung-ha hesitated for a moment, then muttered as if objecting, “It wasn’t only difficult.”

The driver burst out laughing.

“What do you mean not only? Painful memories naturally remain the strongest. Look, when people get old, they never tire of talking about their difficult past.”

“I hear people brag about their successes a lot too.”

“That’s all lies.”

The driver turned toward Joo Seung-ha and expounded his personal philosophy, “The human body is made to remember pain better. That’s so we can avoid it next time. Even my dog remembers the vet’s office incredibly well, you know? It’s a self-defensive instinct. But when you get too caught up in those memories, the self-defense becomes self-attack, and that’s the problem.”

“What if you keep meeting someone connected to those memories? What if you can’t detach from that person?”

“Then you have to detach your thoughts. If thoughts could be cut cleanly like with a knife, why would we need philosophy or religion? There are pains and people that stay with you until death. Life is a repetition of anguish. So you must detach from and overcome that anguish each time. You have to do it until you die. People cry about life being hard because they can’t accept this.”

“Are you Buddhist?”

“Catholic.”

“…I see.”

“I’m not trying to convert you.”

“It’s okay if you do.”

“No, we don’t really do that. Well, want to come to our church?”

“No.”

Ha, he laughed briefly and exclaimed as if dumbfounded.

“You don’t have to come!”

Joo Seung-ha stood up laughing. Repetition of anguish. Life continues until death. He took out his smartphone as he went outside. He opened Seo Ahn-jae’s message from earlier again.

―Come even if it’s at dawn. I’ll wait.

Joo Seung-ha stared at the message for a moment before heading to the hotel.

It was the fourth meeting in two weeks. He thought he’d get used to it with time. Getting the key from the lounge, the hotel room before him, Seo Ahn-jae waiting inside when he opened the door. He was always there first. This is just like seven years ago too. Though Joo Seung-ha hated himself for comparing this with seven years ago again, he pushed away his self-loathing, remembering the truck driver’s words.

It was unavoidable anguish. Though his heart wasn’t swaying toward Seo Ahn-jae, that made Seo Ahn-jae’s emotions more uncomfortable. Joo Seung-ha truly hadn’t expected to feel uncomfortable because of Seo Ahn-jae’s feelings. Because it was Seo Ahn-jae. Even in love, it was just like him to think of himself first. But apparently, even selfish love was still love.

‘I’ll wait.’

When he discovered Seo Ahn-jae’s love in words he would never normally use, discomfort rose to the surface like a soap bubble. Though it was a trivial emotion that would pop at the slightest touch for Joo Seung-ha, to many others it would look like a rainbow shining under the sun. Anguish was really difficult. Joo Seung-ha muttered internally while checking the time before opening the hotel door. 2:03 a.m. I hope he didn’t wait for me and just left. He opened the door with that hope lingering in his heart.

A narrow corridor appeared. Beyond it, Seo Ahn-jae would be either on the phone or working on a tablet or laptop. That was how it had been during their past three meetings. But given how late it was now, he thought Seo Ahn-jae might be gone or sleeping. So Joo Seung-ha stood there considering. Should I turn back?

“Why are you standing there?”

Seo Ahn-jae appeared at the end of the corridor with a tablet in hand and asked. Confirming that he had really been waiting, that uncomfortable feeling rose again, but a light, hollow laugh escaped from Joo Seung-ha’s lips. Still working regardless of the time? Seo Ahn-jae approached and looked dryly at Joo Seung-ha’s laugh.

“That’s not exactly a welcoming laugh.”

“I was just thinking you might be a workaholic. Since you’re not sleeping at this hour.”

“Even I sleep at this hour.”

Seo Ahn-jae replied expressionlessly and reached out to touch Joo Seung-ha’s hair. Joo Seung-ha reflexively turned his head away. Even as he avoided it, he expected that hand might still grab his hair forcefully.

But no force touched his head. Instead, he met a cold gaze. Seo Ahn-jae stood with his hands in his pockets, looking down at Joo Seung-ha askew. Joo Seung-ha felt embarrassed at his unconscious tension and stared back firmly. Why did he stop when he usualy wouldn’t tolerate even the slightest minor rejection and would force it? Ah, is it because it hasn’t started yet?

During their past three meetings, an implicit rule had formed between them. Their sex began when Seo Ahn-jae started being forceful. Well, he hadn’t even showered yet. Joo Seung-ha had only roughly washed his face, hair, and arms at the warehouse, so he was still dirty from smoke and dust.

“Then let’s sleep.”

Joo Seung-ha said grumbling under his breath and went inside past him. Though his footsteps were silent on the carpet, he could sense Seo Ahn-jae following right behind him.

“I’ll sleep with you then.”

The answer came from so close behind him that Joo Seung-ha hesitated as he turned to sit in the chair. He was really standing close, looking down. When Joo Seung-ha stopped awkwardly, Seo Ahn-jae pressed his shoulders to make him sit in the chair. Then he perched himself on the table right in front.

He did that every time too. Deliberately sitting that close with their knees touching, ignoring the proper chair. Though Joo Seung-ha pointed out he should sit in the chair every time, today he was exceptionally tired. He hadn’t felt so tired coming to the hotel, but as soon as he sat in the soft chair, fatigue hit him as if the defensive wall around his body had disappeared all at once. Joo Seung-ha pressed his dry eyes firmly with his hands as he replied.

“If I was going to sleep, I wouldn’t have come. Let’s finish quickly.”

Even tired, debts must be paid. The diligence built up over long years showed itself even in this moment. When there was no response, he looked up to find Seo Ahn-jae’s gaze had turned serious. Just as that concern was making him uncomfortable again, Seo Ahn-jae asked angrily, “I heard there was a fire at the warehouse?”

Ah, did I mention that? Joo Seung-ha wondered to himself. If he’d been clear-headed, he might have suspected Seo Ahn-jae still had someone tailing him, but now his mind wasn’t working properly.

“It was a rented warehouse. But it was fine since the fire was in the nearby mountain. Well, not completely fine…”

Recalling the truck driver’s information, Joo Seung-ha felt relieved once again that they’d moved the goods. But the man before him openly criticized, “Why did you get involved in that?”

“What do you mean why? Because our company’s inventory was there…”

“You’re an employee. Just work as much as you’re paid for.”

“I went because that’s what I’m paid for.”

Joo Seung-ha meant it sincerely. The boss had given him too much. If it had just been about the money, he wouldn’t have rushed like this as if it were his own business. And Seo Ahn-jae’s eyes darkened as if sensing this uncannily. His voice came out sharp as a blade.

“What did that boss give you?”

Well, what was it? Comfort, attention, concern. Several words came to mind, but Joo Seung-ha swallowed them deliberately and furrowed his brow.

“What else but salary? I’m a team leader so I get paid well. Though it’s probably not even an ant’s tears compared to your standards, senior.”