NFS 4.6

“Team Leader Joo must be happy.”

People in the office, unaware of his mood, offered congratulations whenever they came near. When Joo Seung-ha didn’t respond much, Assistant Manager Kim, who handled sales support, excitedly responded as if it were one of his own achievements.

“Have you seen the Internet? Every community is going crazy about how handsome Team Leader Joo is.”

“Ah, I saw that. It was even posted on my car forum. Team Leader Joo’s going to be famous.”

What fame? People would forget everything after just one day. Fortunately, someone poured cold water on their behalf.

“Being famous isn’t all good. Look at all the hate comments.”

Manager Park spoke loudly and then pretended to worry while advising Joo Seung-ha.

“Look, even among the comments on yesterday’s broadcast, there are so many degrading remarks about Team Leader Joo. Will you really be okay? There seemed to be some malicious comments that looked like they were written by someone who knows you. You know, you have things that would be troublesome if they became known…”

“What would be troublesome for me if they were to become known?”

“Well, since you’re not exactly ordinary…”

While others around frowned, Joo Seung-ha, the subject himself, responded casually,”You mean that I’m gay? I don’t mind if that becomes public knownledge.”

“…Oh, really?”

“Yes.”

As Manager Park turned away awkwardly, he finally noticed others watching him. You’re the one who should be troubled. Under their unfriendly gazes, Manager Park’s face reddened as she practically fled the scene. After she disappeared, someone muttered incredulously, “Wasn’t she the one who wrote those hate comments she mentioned in the first place?”

Everyone laughed and agreed it was possible, but Joo Seung-ha thought otherwise. Manager Park actually followed the law quite well. Even though salespeople typically get at least one traffic ticket, Manager Park trembled at the mere thought. Despite her words, she was too timid to do anything that might get her caught by the police. Still, Joo Seung-ha was curious about the hate comments she mentioned.

Based on Manager Park’s words, it seemed someone had outed him, but many people around already knew Joo Seung-ha was gay. He didn’t particularly hide it. What Joo Seung-ha worried about was Seo Ahn-jae. He was concerned that being associated with him might harm Seo Ahn-jae. That was why he had so strongly refused even holding hands in public. Joo Seung-ha scrolled through the comments and quickly found the hate comment Manager Park had mentioned.

‘That bastard just goes around seducing men with his pretty face.’

This kind of hate comment was within the expected range and didn’t hit hard. But the next sentence made Joo Seung-ha unable to look away. It was strange. Though it was actually milder compared to the outing in the previous sentence, his body froze as soon as he saw it.

‘Unable to be loved by anyone, you dropped out of school and ended up clinging to a dog? lololol’

Dropped out of school. The fact that they knew this meant it was definitely written by someone who knew him. Maybe that was why his heart burned from that malicious fire. Because it was an evaluation from someone who knew him. He knew that trolls were pathetic people who wanted others to get hurt and feel a sense of superiority from it. Though he knew it wasn’t worth reacting to, he still got burned nonetheless.

Joo Seung-ha closed the screen and half-covered his face with his hand in shame. He felt pathetic for being hurt, and also embarrassed about the content. Did I really show my loneliness so obviously that others could see I was desperate for love? What followed was thoughts of Seo Ahn-jae from yesterday. His heart melting when he saw him waiting in front of the company might have been due to loneliness. The fact that he couldn’t deny this left Joo Seung-ha feeling numb. Zing, his phone rang with a message.

―Aren’t you tired? What about lunch?

Joo Seung-ha couldn’t reply right away and lowered his head. Right now, he felt like garbage and didn’t like this feeling at all.

***

Working late into the night was familiar for Seo Ahn-jae. But tonight, he was still hungry even after dinner. There were several energy bar wrappers from the company lounge vending machine on his desk, but strangely he was still hungry. Though there were many quick meals like cup noodles in the lounge since many employees worked overtime, he didn’t want to break his concentration. Why am I so hungry? A puzzling hunger possessed him. But finishing work came first right now. Work was the priority. Work…

“Seo Ahn-jae hyung.”

Suddenly hearing that voice made Seo Ahn-jae’s heart leap from his chest. When he looked up, he saw Joo Seung-ha standing at the office entrance. With a slight smile, no less. Though the smile quickly disappeared, seeing Joo Seung-ha made Seo Ahn-jae’s breath catch in his throat. The smile had been entirely for him. It was the kind of smile someone would show to a person they cared for and loved. Perhaps because Seo Ahn-jae stared too intensely, those light brown eyes that looked even lighter in the fluorescent lighting briefly avoided his gaze when they met. His heart clenched and released again at that small, shy movement.

“Aren’t you hungry? You seemed like you’d be working late, so I bought some food.”

Unlike his usual indifference, he was caring. The warmth in that voice magically released Seo Ahn-jae’s body, which had been frozen at his desk just seconds ago.

“You bought it for me?”

Though his voice came out sharp with disbelief, Joo Seung-ha nodded as if it couldn’t be more obvious. His face was slightly flushed, but as always, he looked straight at him. However, his eyes, which were usually frustratingly calm, held warmth in them.

“You think I bought it for someone else? I bought it for you, hyung.”

“Why?”

Though Seo Ahn-jae’s constant doubt and checking might seem strange, Joo Seung-ha opened his mouth without suspicion.

“Well.”

After saying one word, he slightly turned his gaze away. For a moment, Seo Ahn-jae almost let out a harsh word. No. Don’t turn away from me. Even looking somewhere else for a moment felt anxious and irritating, like a rejection. As if knowing his feelings, Joo Seung-ha immediately looked back at him. Moreover, his following answer was what Seo Ahn-jae wanted all along.

“Because I like you.”

It wasn’t a lie. Joo Seung-ha wasn’t lying right now. An intense satisfaction that made him tremble took over his entire body. He couldn’t breathe from happiness. He reached out to this emotion he’d never felt in his life. He wanted more, wanted to hear more. He wished those eyes would always look at him, wanted to be intoxicated by his warmth until his heart was completely soaked.

His endless greed triggered his cruelty. Not enough. He wanted to keep him locked up and make him look only at himself. He wanted to hear endless declarations of love from those lips. I have to catch him. But his feet wouldn’t move. Though Joo Seung-ha was standing right there, showing his complete affection, he couldn’t approach him as if his body was bound by something holding him back.

Damn it, why? The affection from Joo Seung-ha that he’d wanted so much was right in front of him, so why? Why…? Along with the question, his consciousness suddenly brightened as if emerging from a blackout, and simultaneously Seo Ahn-jae’s eyes flew open. A vivid sensation returned to his whole body and he realized: Ah, it was a dream.

“Haa, damn it.”

Seo Ahn-jae cursed in a low, cracked voice and let out an incredulous laugh. He couldn’t believe it. How could he dream such a…No, the dream was incredible. The thrill he felt in the dream still seemed to splash around in his heart. Joo Seung-ha liking him. Though it was just a dream, the overwhelming fullness he felt in that moment was all too real.

Those eyes smiling at him. Those lips calling “Seo Ahn-jae hyung” with warmth. That voice mixed with warmth. And those words saying he liked him.

Seo Ahn-jae stood up and ran his hand through his hair, desperately trying to hold onto the fading memory of the dream. He felt regretful. The feeling was so incredibly good that greed overflowed. And yet, he also felt disgusted. This clearly wasn’t like him. It hurt his pride that he had even dreamed about craving such trivial affection.

“This is fucking awful.”

He went to the kitchen and gulped down cold water while thinking, Love really is fucking awful.

Gulp, gulp.

After finishing the rest of the water and emptying the cup completely, his mind cleared fully. Yet the afterimage of the dream still lingered faintly around his heart. That was why even though he found his behavior fucking pathetic, he wanted to see Joo Seung-ha no matter what.

Though it was just an ordinary morning like any other, he desperately wanted to see the other man’s face as if the world was about to end. It had been over a week since he’d seen Joo Seung-ha. At first, Joo Seung-ha was too busy with the shopping broadcast, and then Seo Ahn-jae had been away on a business trip for several days. He had wanted to rush over as soon as he got off the plane, but Joo Seung-ha had work come up again.

‘I’m heading to a regional company presentation. I’ll be staying overnight, so go home and rest.’

Why did it have to be the day I returned? He felt annoyed but figured it couldn’t be helped since it was work. But even on the weekend, Joo Seung-ha postponed their meeting using the shelter as an excuse, and finally yesterday sent this message. That he’d been busy moving.

Though he had mentioned looking for a place several times before, Seo Ahn-jae hadn’t expected him to actually find a place and move. Especially after Seo Ahn-jae had even brought up living together. Moving at a time like this—this was clearly a rejection. Only then did Seo Ahn-jae start to suspect Joo Seung-ha.

Why is he pushing me away again? What exactly happened? He had planned to quietly wait until Joo Seung-ha fully opened his heart, but after having such a dream, he couldn’t just wait around like an idiot. What if he suddenly runs away? Goosebumps spread across his skin, and Seo Ahn-jae let out an incredulous laugh.

“Fuck no, not happening.”

He looked around the quiet house that held no warmth except his own. He wanted to go back to when he was drying Joo Seung-ha’s hair in the living room. Strangely, more than their messy sex, he missed eating together and exchanging silly jokes. He missed him. He wanted nothing more than to smell his skin.

Though Seo Ahn-jae knew Joo Seung-ha wasn’t in this space, he took a deep breath as if trying to catch his scent. Of course, merciless time hadn’t left even a trace of Joo Seung-ha’s scent here. So he couldn’t lose any more of Joo Seung-ha to time. Looking at the clock, it was 5:40 a.m. Seo Ahn-jae couldn’t believe his own impatience as he quickly showered, threw on some clothes, and headed out.

***

“Going crazy first thing in the morning.”

“You came for a housewarming?”

Joo Seung-ha wanted to ask the visitor—no, the uninvited guest—before him: Have you gone crazy this early in the morning? After all, it was 7:10 a.m. What kind of housewarming visit is this during the busy morning commute time? Despite Joo Seung-ha’s dumbfounded expression, Seo Ahn-jae simply answered “Yeah” and walked right in.

“Why on earth would you come for a housewarming at this hour?”

“There’s no set time for it.”

“There might not be, but usually you visit when the house owner invites you…”

Joo Seung-ha stopped mid-sentence as Seo Ahn-jae held out a bag.

“You haven’t eaten breakfast, right?”

Of course not. He had just been washing up with sleepy eyes when the doorbell rang.

“I just finished washing up.”

As Joo Seung-ha replied with a sigh, he startled and took a big step back when he felt fingers brush his forehead and hair. Seo Ahn-jae’s eyes sharpened, but when Joo Seung-ha looked up, they had returned to normal.

“Right. It’s still wet.”

He hesitated for a moment. They had used that word with a different meaning when their bodies were intertwined. When Seo Ahn-jae had pulled out after finishing, looking at Joo Seung-ha’s still twitching entrance. It was a similarly low voice but mixed with rough breathing.

‘You’re wet.’

I’m the one going crazy this early morning. Joo Seung-ha cursed at himself internally and deliberately answered coldly.

“Yes. I didn’t have time to dry it. So come back another time, Sunbae.”

He tried to hand back the food bag, but Seo Ahn-jae ignored him and stepped fully into the house.

“Why did you suddenly move?”

Flinch—Joo Seung-ha’s expression froze momentarily. Fortunately, Seo Ahn-jae was too busy looking around the small room to notice. Actually, he had expected Seo Ahn-jae to feel quite hurt about the move. After all, he had essentially responded to Seo Ahn-jae’s offer to live together by moving out.

Joo Seung-ha took a deep breath, feeling like an apology would burst out if he opened his mouth. No, he hadn’t planned to move into Seo Ahn-jae’s apartment anyway. And he couldn’t stay in that small gosiwon forever. Joo Seung-ha steadied himself while defending his decision.

“This is all there is to my place. You’ve seen it, now please go.”

“I asked why you suddenly moved.”

Joo Seung-ha hesitated and avoided his gaze but soon answered casually.

“It’s closer to work.”

“…”

When Seo Ahn-jae stared at him disapprovingly, Joo Seung-ha hardened his gaze.

“What?”

“It might be closer to work, but it’s farther from me. I’m hurt.”

“Shouldn’t you save feeling hurt for when I move somewhere like Busan?”

“If you moved to Busan, I’d be wailing.”

Joo Seung-ha couldn’t laugh at this joke either. The Seo An-jae he knew seemed like someone who wouldn’t shed a tear even while yawning.

“I guess you do have tear ducts after all.”

“I must have them. Is that why I tear up just thinking about you?”

Joo Seung-ha’s mouth fell half-open in disbelief. Seo Ahn-jae couldn’t help but laugh at that foolish expression.

“Should I cry right now?”

“No thanks.”

Joo Seung-ha took another step back as if the thought of Seo Ahn-jae crying gave him goosebumps.

“If you’ve seen everything, please leave.”

“Do I have to?”

“Yes. Unless you have another reason to prevent me from going to work.”

“I have many reasons.”

One of Joo Seung-ha’s eyebrows raised.

“Give me just one convincing one.”

“I missed you.”

“Oh really?”

At Joo Seung-ha’s indifferent response, Seo Ahn-jae twisted his lips.

“Not a good enough reason?”

“No. I can’t believe I’m having my busy morning disrupted for just that.”

“Real disruption would be making you late by holding you down and fucking you while you’re excited.”

“I’m too busy getting ready for work to get excited.”

Seo Ahn-jae laughed silently. Though his obvious mockery felt ominously like a trap, Joo Seung-ha couldn’t help but ask, “What?”

“It’s cute how clueless you are.”

It wasn’t at all a welcome compliment for a grown man. Rather, it felt more like teasing, and when Joo Seung-ha furrowed his brow, Seo Ahn-jae opened his crooked lips.

“Don’t you know how exciting it is when you’re rushed for time? If you don’t believe me, we could try it.”